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Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

sebmojo posted:

inter prompt: yarn (50 words)

Widow (Word count: 125. Yeah I know, I'm a piece of poo poo)

My momma wanted to know why she had no father so she paid Grandma a visit. Grandma was rocking back and forth knitting a river when we arrived. Momma sat me on a rocking horse and asked her,

"Where is my father?"

The old woman click-clacked quietly and considered the question. She replied,

"You had no father. I made you from wool and time."

Momma didn't like the answer and left in a huff. Grandma called me over and said,

"Hello, my child. Is your momma taking care of you?"

I was shy and didn't answer. She pulled me close and picked a stray thread from my scalp. She snipped it and said,

"That's always bothered me. Glad I had a chance to fix it."

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Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer

Hey kids! Your stories were so bright, wonderful, and luminescent that you caused our head judge to get so verklempt that she needed to excuse herself. Either that, or her internet is down and so, through my magical wizarding power, I will channel her for a judgement post...


You all did great, and weíre just so stinkiní proud of you!

Seriously, we donít even know where to begin. Oh letís just start at the very top; itís our most favorite place!



Dr. Kloctopussyís Luck Be a Lady told a wonderful story that unanimously collected the judges pick for the win! Congratulations, and may I just say, you have radiant hands.



Kaishaiís From Death spooked us all and made us clutch our hot cocoas quite close to our chests. What a nice story, with a powerful ending, and rumor has it; you bake delicious brownies.

Thranguyís Protean worried us. Are you OK Thranguy? Perhaps you should indulge in some of Kaishaiís brownies. We hear theyíre delicious. Regardless, though we may be concerned about you, we are not at all concerned about your writing. You truly are a triple threat. A powerful writer, a member of MENSA, and the only person ever to eat a Dennyís Grand Slam and keep it down. You are a hero.

Muffinís Inter was flashy, stylish, and accomplished a lot in a tiny space. Itís stories like this that support the pet theory that Muffin is an Ewok. Well done Muffin, you earned yourself some head scritchings and to one day be portrayed by Warwick Davis.

Capnfalconís Diamonds are a Wizard's Biggest Headache provided us all with a magnificent breath of fresh air. Though that may have just been Falconís natural appealing musk. Itís hard to tell, sometimes, whatís so appealing about a flash fiction writer. In this case, though, it may very well just have been a well-told story, with a humorous and consistent voice. If Falcon keeps writing stories like this, keeps up their card counting, and doesnít lose their spot as 2nd chair Bassoon for the Boston Pops, they may very well be in the running for most fascinating Thunderdomer.



Onto slightly less wonderful things:



OUR FARTHEST AWAY FROM WINNER

Phobiaís The Alter on the Mount, left some things to be desired. We respect the choices you made with your prose, but we donít think they helped your story. The prose made it difficult to navigate, and so we give you the greatest gift of all, the most space possible to improve. Weíve seen you do better, so go and do better. This story may be our loser for the week, but we look forward to more from you!

OUR SECOND FARTHEST AWAY FROM WINNER

Sokobanís The Apprentice was a messy endeavor that didnít seem to accomplish all that much. We are hopeful that, through detailed feedback and more time, we will one day see you at the top of this glorious enterprise, holding the baton as we all yell PROMPT at you. Come back, Sokoban, and show us what youíve got.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

I approve the above post. RIP my internet

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


I will be posting my crits to this doc:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

I'm doing them backwards, which is the order I read and judged in.

Killer-of-Lawyers fucked around with this message at Jul 12, 2017 around 07:51

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

If anything this judgment is a little meaner than I prefer

In any case prooooompt

Sokoban
Feb 16, 2011


Chili posted:


OUR SECOND FARTHEST AWAY FROM WINNER

Sokobanís The Apprentice was a messy endeavor that didnít seem to accomplish all that much. We are hopeful that, through detailed feedback and more time, we will one day see you at the top of this glorious enterprise, holding the baton as we all yell PROMPT at you. Come back, Sokoban, and show us what youíve got.

My virginity has been taken. It feels... good.

Phobia
Apr 25, 2011

I'm a suave detective with a heart of gold in hot pursuit of the malevolent, manipulative
MIAMI MUTILATOR
and the deranged degenerates who only want their
15 MINUTES OF FAME.


OCK.


Chili posted:

So we give you the greatest gift of all, the most space possible to improve.
I feel very special, thank you.

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003




DOUBLE TROUBLE with BAD CAT 1 and BAD CAT 2

They say good things come in pairs, which must be why I won Wizard Week twice! Yay! Or was it bad things that come in pairs? Well, if there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that some things come in pairs: twins, shoes, eyes. Bad Cats.

But what about cops and robbers? Cops and their Buddy Cop? Husbands and Wives? Mistresses and Wives?

Ups and Downs! Ins and Outs! Heavens and Hells! Winners and Losers! (that's some foreshadowing for you, fyi)

So, pick a pair of some sort. Two of a kind, opposites, vague parallels. It can be literal, it can be esoteric, it can be quite nearly anything you want, except a solo or a trio. And then! A story! Well, you knew it had to come sometime. Write a story that at the very least touches on the pair of things/people/places/ideas/etc. and how they relate to each other. What ties them together? How do they mirror each other? How does the reflection thrown back by one affect the other?

If you want to share your pair when you sign up, go for it, they are cool to see. If not, I will forgive you. Because you know what goes together? Transparency and dirty secrets.

DON'T post them in your story post, please.

Other than that, go hog Bad Cat wild, with the usual caveats: no fanfic, no erotica, no nonfiction. Poetry is allowed, though perhaps not recommended.

As ever, all entries will be judged nearly entirely on how much they are enjoyed. Definitely not by printing them out and putting them in front of some Bad Cats and seeing which ones they try to eat first. Definitely not.

But wait! There's more!

PRIZES!

Everyone likes getting prizes, and now you can get one just for signing up! (kind of)

People who will get an extra-special custom picture of a Bad Cat, holding a little placard with your username or whatever else you want on it (some limitations may apply). Or you can make some other request, maybe the Bad Cats will be a little less bad out of pity and/or respect and do it for you. Who knows what a cat even thinks.

The winner will get 5 minutes of bonafide cuddling with the Bad Cat of their choice! (transportation to and from Bad Cat Mansion not included.)

Cat pictures aren't flash rules, they are just prizes. You don't need to write about cats. Cats are not part of the prompt. They are just here to keep me company, so I feel a little less alone in the world.

If you want a Flash Rule you will be assigned a 90s dance hit.

The usual fine print:
Sign up deadline: Friday 7/14/2017 11:59:59pm PST
Submission deadline: Sunday 7/16/2017 11:59:59 PST

Maximum Word Count: 1500

Special Double Bonus!
You can, if you want, work in groups of two (2) this week! That means 2 people, 1 story. Party Time! Excellent! (No 90s comedy fan fiction please)

Special Double Bonus Maximum Word Count: 2000

Judges
DocKloc
BaddestRhino
Double Djeserdy

Bad Cats
1. Beige
2. Fuubi
3. ModeSix
4. Jay W. Fricks
5. Uranium Phoenix
6. flerp
7. Sokoban
8. Ze Bourgeoisie
9. Thranguy
10. big scary monsters
11. super sweet best pal
12. Third
13. Phobia
14. Mrenda
15. Killer-Of-Lawyers
16. QuoProQuid
17. Chili

Dr. Kloctopussy fucked around with this message at Jul 16, 2017 around 19:33

Beige
Sep 13, 2004


In. In.

Fuubi
Jan 18, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Mind and Matter.

ModeSix
Mar 14, 2009



I'm in for this. Let's hope I don't suck.

Jay W. Friks
Oct 4, 2016

Six of one, half dozen of another.

Grimey Drawer

Organic and Inorganic

In

Uranium Phoenix
Jun 20, 2007


RADIOACTIVE DUST SURGE DETECTED


I'm in

Edit:

Dr. Kloctopussy posted:

Special Double Bonus!
You can, if you want, work in groups of two (2) this week! Excellent!

Special Double Bonus Word Count: 2000
Question about this: Does this mean two people submit a single story, or each person submits a related or connected story (like the superhero week collaboration)?

Uranium Phoenix fucked around with this message at Jul 11, 2017 around 19:17

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


in

Sokoban
Feb 16, 2011


IN is the only way to improve.

ZeBourgeoisie
Aug 8, 2013

THUNDERDOME
LOSER


In.

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

In, and I'll take a 90's dance flash.

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003



Since I know you mysteriously prefer dogs to cats, I tried to take a picture of Bad Cat 1 with two pictures of dogs. You can see how that went:

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003


Thranguy posted:

In, and I'll take a 90's dance flash.

Your wish is my command, you get:

Christina Aguilera - Genie in a Bottle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIDWgqDBNXA

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003


Uranium Phoenix posted:

I'm in

Edit:

Question about this: Does this mean two people submit a single story, or each person submits a related or connected story (like the superhero week collaboration)?

Two people submit a single story. If you want to break that story up into two 1000 word stories, I guess I can't stop you.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Hello, I hate cats, I hate my job, I hate you, and I'm your third judge.

big scary monsters
Sep 2, 2011

-~Skullwave~-


In this 2 win this. And since it's my first time I'll too, show me those bad, bad cats.

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003


Djeser posted:

Hello, I hate cats, I hate my job, I hate you, and I'm your third judge.

How do you feel about 90s dance music, though?

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

No need to sign, we'll take care of that.


Lipstick Apathy

In and down vs up and out. Flash me!

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Dr. Kloctopussy posted:

How do you feel about 90s dance music, though?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JVNNRmxupo

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003


big scary monsters posted:

In this 2 win this. And since it's my first time I'll too, show me those bad, bad cats.

Alright, I didn't have any big scary monsters hanging around, so I made this monster mask and put it on a stuffed cat. I thought maybe this would clean up Bad Cat 2's act, like one of those scared straight things, but I think maybe she has adopted it instead?

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003


super sweet best pal posted:

In and down vs up and out. Flash me!

I don't know what "it" is, but I hope it's good, because you get:

CeCe Peniston - Finally

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xk8mm1Qmt-Y



Acceptable.

If you want a dumb prompt-related pun name, you might want to come up with your own b/c I've only had 9 hours of sleep over the past 2 days and all I can think of is Double Djeserdy.

Dr. Kloctopussy fucked around with this message at Jul 12, 2017 around 06:41

ThirdEmperor
Aug 7, 2013


SCREAMING YES
MOTHERFUCKER
I AM GUILTY, I AM DEATH




cat

stupid song

all the gimmicks pls

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003


ThirdEmperor posted:



cat

stupid song

all the gimmicks pls

I tried like 50 times to get Bad Cat 1 to literally just stand in front of a mockup of your avatar, but even when I tried to lure her over with a piece of pizza she was all "gently caress this." Then she clawed the poo poo out of me. I know we joke about blood throne and stuff, but there's only so much actual blood I'm willing to shed here.




I'm not even sure which one of us this song is for, but in honor of this ordeal, you get:

Real McCoy - Runaway

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0p7mIvO1uHo


AND. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, so since you helped so much with the Double Trouble image banner, I figure you've already used a thousand of yours!

your maximum word count is now 500!

Dr. Kloctopussy fucked around with this message at Jul 12, 2017 around 21:59

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003


The rest of you fuckers didn't help me with poo poo, so you're all stuck with 1500.

big scary monsters
Sep 2, 2011

-~Skullwave~-


Dr. Kloctopussy posted:

Alright, I didn't have any big scary monsters hanging around, so I made this monster mask and put it on a stuffed cat. I thought maybe this would clean up Bad Cat 2's act, like one of those scared straight things, but I think maybe she has adopted it instead?



Two good bad cats imo.

Phobia
Apr 25, 2011

I'm a suave detective with a heart of gold in hot pursuit of the malevolent, manipulative
MIAMI MUTILATOR
and the deranged degenerates who only want their
15 MINUTES OF FAME.


OCK.


I'm in. Dead or alive. Let's .

Mrenda
Mar 14, 2012



Yep. I'm in this week.

I'll do a pair take on Parent/Child, or at least the idea of parent/child..

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003


Phobia posted:

I'm in. Dead or alive. Let's .

You and everyone who toxxes from here on out will get your cat gifs on Sunday!! Sorry for the delay!!

You and everyone who toxxes from here on out will get your cat gifs on Sunday!! Sorry for the delay!!

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


In.

QuoProQuid
Jan 12, 2012

WHO LOVES BLOOD SODA?
KEL LOVES BLOOD SODA!


I do. I do. I do-oo.


in

Chili
Jan 23, 2004

College kids ain't shit


Grimey Drawer

In.

big scary monsters
Sep 2, 2011

-~Skullwave~-


And the Cure
1497 words

I take a dislike to the white robed healer almost as soon as he steps into my little store, ducking under the low lintel, out of the midmorning sun and into the cool, dim interior. He doesn't shake my welcoming hand, thus avoiding a dose from the dogroot-laced hand cream I keep in a convenient jar under the counter. When I guide him through into my cramped back room ó office and laboratory both ó and show him to the visitors' chair he says he prefers to stand, though he looks somewhat unsteady. The chair's deep padding hides tiny needles, so small and so sharp that you won't feel a thing as they go in, and will continue not to feel a thing for the next half hour as the sea snake venom paralyses your legs. I offer him a freshly baked dainty (sorrowfruit pulp blended into the cream), which he refuses, claiming a lack of appetite. I try to tempt him with some tea, which he also declines. There's nothing wrong with my tea; it's a refreshing, minty blend from my own herb garden and I'm rather proud of it.

None of these little japes can affect me, of course. You don't last long as a poisoner without developing a healthy immunity to the profession's more common agents. Some of my apprentices don't even last a week. In fact, it's thanks to just such an incautious youth, and my ensuing midnight walk in the forest with a shovel and much-stained rug, that I'm feeling so tired and out of sorts this morning. My hospitality doesn't cause any long term ills; it's rather poor business to kill your clients before taking their money. But poisoners aren't universally loved, and on those occasions when someone steps into my humble store with an eye for revenge, rather than great service at a reasonable rate, it helps to have a subtle something to give me the edge. Then I give them an edge too, and once the blood is cleaned up it's just a matter of waiting 'til night to take my shovel for another stroll through the woods.

I sit behind my desk, cluttered with yellowing papers, pour myself a nice, hot cup of tea, and take a pastry. Then I ask the healer how I can be of service. The pleasant, musky, purple scent of incense flows from an ornate brass censer hanging from the low ceiling. I'll just have to hope that its mildly sedative smoke will be enough of an advantage should this turn sour. The healer explains his problem and I like him even less ó he doesn't even really want what I'm selling. He's looking for a cure. I thought he looked a little peaky.

Now I've nothing against healers, they have their job to do just like I have mine, and those jobs are more similar than you might think. The successful poisoner is just as much a student of the human body, its functions and failings, as any conscientious physician, and my practice no less a science than theirs. But curing people isn't what I do; it's just not my passion. Admittedly, for almost every poison there is a cure, and I'd say I know more of them than most. I keep a small stock for those embarrassing moments when a client switches the goblets one time too many, or nicks themselves practicing flourishes with a tainted blade. Sometimes they even make it back to me in time to take advantage of my customer loyalty scheme.

To apply the right cure though, that can be tricky. I need to know exactly what poison was used; the wrong cure is deadly in itself. So many clients ask me for the same type of poison: odourless, colourless, tasteless, fast-acting and incurable. I can do it, I tell them, but it's going to cost you. The ingredients for a poison like that are rare and hard to get: seaweed growing only in far off, frozen fjords, dainty purple flowers blooming under the midnight sun, the gallbladder of an especially vicious and cunning species of weasel. And they're a pain to work with: more than one master poisoner has come to an extremely nasty end working up a batch of one of the Great Poisons. Better to use something less exotic, less expensive, and less dangerous to my health. Add a bit of pepper to your husband's steak and he won't notice the bitter, spicy taste of lover's wort. Pour the tincture into wine rather than beer and its deep ruby colour won't show. And if your victim doesn't know what he's been dosed with, what does it matter if there's a cure? Most people wise up and settle on a lesser toxin, easier on the purse and on my nerves. They appreciate that I don't try to upsell them. It's that kind of trusted service that keeps my clients coming back again and again.

I ask the healer his symptoms. Headache, nausea, blurred vision. That's me every morning before my first cuppa, friend. Vomiting, diarrhoea, stomach cramps. So generic it could be anything, and I'm glad he didn't sit down now. Fever, shivering, sweating, a sense of impending doom. Sounds like he's been poisoned all right. That or the inn's beer last night was a bit staler than usual, the end-of-night special stew a week or two past its best. Flaky, grey spots on his chest and legs, blackening of the genitals. Ah, now we're getting somewhere. No, I don't need to see the afflicted genitals. In fact, now we're getting I know exactly where.

The signs of wraithblight poisoning are unmistakeable. By remarkable coincidence, I happened to sell a good sized dose of the stuff to a very pleasant young lady just yesterday, shortly before my apprentice quietly helped himself to one of my personal cigarettes and found out why nine out of ten reputable healers recommend against smoking nightweed. This particular healer seems to be still in the poison's early stages ó no delirium or loss of body parts yet ó meaning he was probably poisoned this morning. I'm the only poisoner in town (there was another, but she fell mysteriously ill), so it's no doubt my wraithblight contaminating his blood and causing it to leak from where blood ought certainly not leak. Unfortunately for the poor man, the lady last night was one of those picky clients, insistent the poison I sold her be deadly (of course), impossible to detect, and above all lacking an antidote. She didn't specify that the method of death need be especially horrible; I threw that in for free. You have to be able to amuse yourself in this job; if you aren't doing what you love then what's it all for? And now the result of my craft is standing here in my shop, violently shivering, gently swaying, and very likely about to add yet more stains to my second grimiest rug.

I explain to the healer that today is not his lucky day. He takes it remarkably calmly ó the drifting smoke of my incense doing its work. He mostly keeps his composure as I lay out for him his next and final few hours. If he gets a little queasy as I detail the increasingly gruesome effects of the poison irreversibly destroying his body it's quite understandable and, I assure him, nothing ten minutes scrubbing with a bucket of soapy water won't fix. He's looking really quite ill now, and doesn't resist as I help him into my other chair: hard, straight-backed and needle free. I don't think I need to worry about being attacked at this point.

"There's really nothing you can do for me?" he whispers. "Please. The pain is so strong."

That's when, in a moment of remarkable insight, I realise: there may be a sale here after all. Soon enough I've brewed up a little potion of green yomberries: strong smelling, dark, and foul tasting, but then that's hardly important to this client. What matters to him is that it brings a death quick and painless; I've heard it's even quite pleasant. At any rate, the healer dies with a look of relief on his face. Call me a soft touch, but I gave him a discount on this one.

As I strip him of his robes of office I look at the white fabric, now badly soiled. Perhaps my work and the healer's are more alike even than I thought. On a whim I try on his loose cloak, adjust the cowl over my head and fasten the intricately worked pin at my neck, then admire myself in the tarnished silver mirror standing in a dusty corner of my lab. Certainly not a healer, but maybe more than just a poisoner? Poison, and the cure. This really could open up a whole new market for me, an exciting opportunity for business diversification. Something to think about while I take my shovel for its evening walk.

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Entrants: If you have PMs, please send me a message telling me your pair when you post your story. If not, post it in the thread sometime after judgment.

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Mrenda
Mar 14, 2012



The Parent
1,413 Words

Mrenda fucked around with this message at Jul 18, 2017 around 07:06

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