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Welcome! I know it's early, but thank you for joining us over this conference line. We here at DerpCo are super stoked about our new Human Resources software. I trust you all got your login information. Please let me know if you are having issues logging in. (( Inspired by an actual godawful meeting I just had to sit through an hour ago. )) ArseMan fucked around with this message at 17:16 on Jan 24, 2017 |
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Jan 24, 2017 16:23
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i can't log in. i type in my password and i just get a bunch of dots. i've installed every language pack available for windows 7 and it's still dots. i can't log in
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Jan 24, 2017 16:31
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*sheepishly raises hand* What is "logging in" again? Do i put something into the computer like a key or little piece of wood?
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Jan 24, 2017 16:34
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FutonForensic posted:i can't log in. i type in my password and i just get a bunch of dots. i've installed every language pack available for windows 7 and it's still dots. i can't log in One of our assistants will help you out. You will likely need a new computer, and probably an organ transplant. I hope you signed up for our health insurance coverage already!!! Ha ha, just a little HR joke there. |
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Jan 24, 2017 16:35
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Luvcow posted:*sheepishly raises hand* Please insert your thumb into one of the holes on the side of your computer and press ENTER. If you feel an electric shock, then your consciousness has become one with the HR software - congratulations, you are now "logged in" as we like to say in the business. |
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Jan 24, 2017 16:37
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Now that everyone is logged in, please take a look at the links on the home page. You will see one for your direct deposit, one for your benefits, and... what's this? Why is this link dripping with blood?... Oh sorry, that's just on my screen, you shouldn't see that on yours. |
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Jan 24, 2017 16:38
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Why don't we have the dripping blood link? Why doesn't corporate ever communicate with us? What are you hiding?
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Jan 24, 2017 16:49
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death sext posted:Why don't we have the dripping blood link? Why doesn't corporate ever communicate with us? What are you hiding? Nothing to worry about, I assure you. You'll be able to see it soon, once you have been properly processed. |
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Jan 24, 2017 16:59
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hi i just felt a sliver of my very essence slip away into the void never to be recovered. my question is, is there coffee at this meeting?
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Jan 24, 2017 17:03
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Al! posted:hi i just felt a sliver of my very essence slip away into the void never to be recovered. my question is, is there coffee at this meeting? Sorry, coffee has been identified as a detriment to a healthy working environment, and as such is forbidden at DerpCo, punishable by up to 6 months in cubicle seclusion. |
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Jan 24, 2017 17:06
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the program asked me to out in my personally identifying information (PII) but when i did the computer screen displayed my face but the face had rows of siperfine electronic cillia instead of eyes and teeth and the face was laughing then turned into a laughing skull then all the lights went out and later i noticed my drivers license and credit cards and car keys were missing. is that going to happen every time?
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Jan 24, 2017 17:29
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Dear HR, My cubicle neighbor is complaining about the number of porcelain babies in my cubicle. This is my self-expression. If my sweet angel babies are spilling over into her area, that is my right as an American citizen. Please discipline her as you see fit.
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Jan 24, 2017 17:31
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Al! posted:the program asked me to out in my personally identifying information (PII) but when i did the computer screen displayed my face but the face had rows of siperfine electronic cillia instead of eyes and teeth and the face was laughing then turned into a laughing skull then all the lights went out and later i noticed my drivers license and credit cards and car keys were missing. is that going to happen every time? That's interesting; the face should have been merely chuckling instead of laughing. I'll send IT over. Please have your employee badge and a vial of blood ready for biometric evaluation. |
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Jan 24, 2017 17:58
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death sext posted:Dear HR, Your concerns are very important to us. Please fill out the attached form in triplicate. Send one copy to HR central, burn one copy using fel fire, and eat the third one. Be sure to save your leavings for a full documentation trail. |
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Jan 24, 2017 18:00
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FROM: Human.Resource.Bot@advancedwatersystems.biz SUBJECT: Upcoming changes to the maternity leave policy They need to do way instain mother> who kill their babbys. becuse these babby cant frigth back? It was on the news this mroing a mother in ar who had kill her three kids. they are taking the three babby back to new york too lady to rest my pary are with the father who lost his chrilden ; i am truley sorry for your lots Please contact Jennifer with further questions. [Editor's note: Jennifer left for Hydrologic Incorporated eight months prior.] Human Resources Advanced Water Systems |
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Jan 24, 2017 18:09
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*completes his phone interview entirely using the "word" yes morphed into countless fun and wacky ways thank you yak bak* |
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Jan 24, 2017 18:51
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this is unrelated to the s̲̎͌̓̍͜o̱̻̺͛̃͡f̥ͥͩͫ̑ͥtͤ̋͂͑̇͟w̙͓͋̍ͣaͮͧ̅ͯ͆҉̲̮͙̼̦ṛ̳̘̒̓̃ͨ̈̎ͭe̛̿̾ͬ ͕̠̠͙͐d̡̝̽ȩ̱̬͖͋̋̽̿̌ͧm̍ͮ̔̏͊̆҉͔͇͓͕̰ơ̈̿̐̍ͪ̏ but i've noticed that lately one or more of my coworkers have been stealing my vacation photos from Oaxaca only to return them the next day with our faces frozen in a rictus scream of unimaginable terror. normally i wouldnt mind but lately my wife's hair has been coming out in clumps and i suspect it's related
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Jan 24, 2017 20:33
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oh hey, glad i made the conference call https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpaIfCY79gc are any of yall getting an echo or is it just me ? |
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Jan 24, 2017 21:04
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hello, it's "bob" in purchasing, I have what I guess you'd call a health care question and I don't see any guidance in the new web portal. we've had a rotation system going on here in purchasing for quite a while now, and it's my turn to be janet. however, h'kxql, who is currently in janet, doesn't want to leave. shre is scheduled to occupy maria, but claims this is unfair because shre was maria just a couple of tektons ago. admittedly things did get screwed up when mf'eq'zz was walter for two tektons in a row, but that was partly due to medical issues and partly because walter had to work through a couple of holidays due to the stapler purchasing fiasco. can you please contact h'kxql and talk some sense into shmer cephelatic region? this is really starting to harm productivity. |
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Jan 24, 2017 21:07
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Manifisto posted:hello, it's "bob" in purchasing, I have what I guess you'd call a health care question and I don't see any guidance in the new web portal. we've had a rotation system going on here in purchasing for quite a while now, and it's my turn to be janet. however, h'kxql, who is currently in janet, doesn't want to leave. shre is scheduled to occupy maria, but claims this is unfair because shre was maria just a couple of tektons ago. admittedly things did get screwed up when mf'eq'zz was walter for two tektons in a row, but that was partly due to medical issues and partly because walter had to work through a couple of holidays due to the stapler purchasing fiasco. look i dont want to turn this meeting into an airing of grievances but here in accounts payable we're not even allowed to learn enough of the Betrayers Tongue to even carve the sigils required enter the HR labyrinth. it seems like purchasing gets whatever sick time they want whereas i had to turn in a doctor's note in my own blood when i needed to have my kidneys reinserted last month. then there was that whole nightmare where megan was partially consumed by acid lice and i had to do half her work for months until she could be properly reconstituted. im sorry, im ranting. i know we're supposed to be a big family but i think we deserve fair treatment. |
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Jan 24, 2017 21:25
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Al! posted:then there was that whole nightmare where megan was partially consumed by acid lice and i had to do half her work for months until she could be properly reconstituted. oh my god I am sick of hearing about this. you requisition acid lice, you're gonna get acid lice. the supplier put them in a canister marked "parmesan" for efficiency and cost saving purposes, we have no control over that. |
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Jan 24, 2017 21:35
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Manifisto posted:oh my god I am sick of hearing about this. you requisition acid lice, you're gonna get acid lice. the supplier put them in a canister marked "parmesan" for efficiency and cost saving purposes, we have no control over that. hey the free market had its chance, now its the slave markets turn again |
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Jan 24, 2017 23:36
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mrbradlymrmartin posted:hey the free market had its chance, now its the slave markets turn again We would prefer you use the term "associate" to refer to your fellow... associates. |
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Jan 24, 2017 23:40
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Jan 25, 2017 02:05
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Sorry your image broke! You must not have followed Rule #1. ---------------- |
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Jan 25, 2017 02:32
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to: support.department@byobdreaminvesterneers.net subject: new software i tried the software, it doesn't work |
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Jan 25, 2017 03:32
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I tried to follow the instructions on importing all the old data from the old HR software, but your that your software is doing when I try to look at the legacy data is just opening the old software. |
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Jan 25, 2017 04:37
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so you've replaced the hr department with software eh? I knwe this day would come actually I have been walking the halls of our company and been seeing fewer and fewere people apparentlyu we are all being replaced with software on a rolling basis i guess my time will come too will it hurt |
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Jan 25, 2017 04:42
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Can I start working before my soul essence is taken, or do I have to wait? Is that, like, coming soon, or... has it already been happening... gradually... *looks at hands as they fade in and out of existence like in back to the future* whoa cool |
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Jan 25, 2017 05:22
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Hey everyone, just wanted to introduce myself as the new HR intern. I went to Obsidian Pyramid University with a major in *unintelligible shrieking* and a minor in history. If you have any questions, just consider that our time in this reality is a brief setback from the eternity of pain and damnation that awaits us all from the Flayed God. |
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Jan 25, 2017 15:06
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Business Gorillas posted:Hey everyone, just wanted to introduce myself as the new HR intern. I went to Obsidian Pyramid University with a major in *unintelligible shrieking* and a minor in history. is eternal damnation gonna have that godawful generic nondairy creamer that keeps popping up in the break room? if not it can't come soon enough imo. |
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Jan 25, 2017 16:38
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Manifisto posted:is eternal damnation gonna have that godawful generic nondairy creamer that keeps popping up in the break room? if not it can't come soon enough imo. didnt you get that memo that said we could bring our own? i got some keffir curdled by the screams of infants, muy primo mi amigo |
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Jan 25, 2017 17:05
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mrbradlymrmartin posted:didnt you get that memo that said we could bring our own? i was buried in a milkcoffin
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Jan 25, 2017 17:15
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Al! posted:i was buried in a milkcoffin uh, i think proselytizing for daysus crewst is frowned upon in the office, buddy |
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Jan 25, 2017 17:29
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"You wanted to see me?" [the sound of a 1980s laser printer] ARE YOU MARRIED JOHN "I'm not sure how that's... I don't see how that's relevant to my job. I thought this was about my insurance, and--" [fax sounds cut John off] JOHN HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A COMPUTER JOHN HAVE YOU KISSED HER ON THE PORTS |
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Jan 25, 2017 17:44
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FactsAreUseless posted:"You wanted to see me?"
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Jan 25, 2017 17:46
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Hi umm . . . Jeff? Is it Jeff? Is there any way to deactivate the Psycho Mantis module from the program? Every time I log in I hear a heavy breathing sound. After that my screen reads "You like Castlevania, don't you? So you like Konami games? So you like SUIKODEN?" Then my mouse vibrates all over the place. It is very disruptive, Jeff. |
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Jan 25, 2017 19:30
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Can someone refresh my memory on the difference between ascended and assimilated on the performance evaluation scale? Also, is a performance improvement plan required if I rate an "associate" as corrupted? If so, would a blood sacrifice be an acceptable substitute if the associate provides the blood? |
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Jan 25, 2017 19:44
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EMPLOYEE UPDATE ON NEW HR SOFTWARE Some employees have brought to our attention that their workstations now scream when they are shut down at night and sob when they are booted up in the morning. This is normal, do not be alarmed. A few employees have further commented that the screams and sobs sound like their own voices. This is coincidence, do not be alarmed. Unrelated: the mandatory blood tests, skin samples, and psychological profiles taken of all employees a few weeks ago all came back fine, nothing to worry about, we regret the inconvenience.
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Jan 25, 2017 19:47
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Manifisto posted:EMPLOYEE UPDATE ON NEW HR SOFTWARE if that's the case, can they please stop kicking in the door to my office and holding me down while taking the samples from wherever they please every half hour? and i've heard threats of something called fingertip samples?
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Jan 25, 2017 19:57
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