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iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

That's a nice team.
It'll be a shame if something happened to it.

Team Anasta


Only 26 more rounds until the Tigers finish causing me to drink this year! Probably by causing me to commit suicide!



Welcome back to our coverage of the King of Sports, Rugby League! Granted, it's the king in that inbred, horrific Charles II of Spain way that inevitably leads to everyone's death and likely raped a dog at some point in its horrible, short life. It's still a King, though!



I would be remiss without discussing the two major stories in Rugby League over the last year, since I'm drinking heavily and will likely find it hard to write about anything else. As shown in the photo above, the first concerns the scary-looking troll who caused untold numbers of journalists to devote thousands of words to discuss a series of backstabbings that wouldn't go astray in a particularly trashy Shakespearean knockoff. I'm talking about Robbie Farah, not Charles II of Spain, who at least had the common decency to die at a young age rather than keep using up the entire Tigers' salary cap. He was described as "short, lame, epileptic, senile, and completely bald before 35", which I think everyone would agree is a decent description of Robbie, too.



The other major story of the last season is the first ever premiership win by the Cronulla Sharks. Whilst the main thing to note from this development is that for the first time in history I'm going to have to rewrite the jokes in their team section to stop making references to Harold Holt and their abject failures, it's also important to remember that Paul Gallen now has a premiership win. gently caress this loving world. At least he'll never get another Origin win (note that I didn't even need to say "Origin series win" since that was already laughable enough). Since I might forget to say this later: gently caress Queensland.

Rugby League.

You're still reading this? You clearly have mental issues. You've come to the right place, friend. League is a spin-off game from the older Rugby Union, which we all agree is boring and unwatchable and that's not just because Australia never wins any more. Only three countries play the sport at any real level of quality, so there's a good chance of us getting on the podium if anyone was stupid enough to make this an Olympic sport. Just think about that for a minute. No longer would the pissing in public and animal eroticism be confined merely to two and a half cities in low-population backwater - there'd be wife-beaters and cheergirl-rapists from all around the world to "admire"! It would be like some depraved Caligulean epic, except with worse uniforms and emptier stadiums. Anyway, back to the point. When the players stop driving drunk for a minute and stop peeing on the field we get an exciting and fast-paced sport that combines the physicality of gridiron with the fluid skills of handball. It also has a bunch of big guys who get into handbag-fights and the occasional epic tackle that we'll all admire before the media tut-tuts and we lose another tackling-style to the ambiguously defined "dangerous tackle" black hole.


RULES OF THE GAME
For most sports I'd tell you to either read the rulebook or watch a few games if you wanted to learn the rules, but since Gus Gould spends the entire broadcast waffling on about the exact opposite of reality I've taken it upon myself to try to boil down the rules to a more understandable selection of consonants. Please let me know if you have any questions, I'll have a few beers and then explain why exactly the Tigers were robbed of at least three premierships over the last decade because the loving Warriors are bullshit artists who stole our spot in the Grand Final and then lost to loving Manly of all teams. Those loving bastards. gently caress them to loving hell, those bastard Kiwis.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvzUSmoY3sE
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m27SIvq8QXk

I could watch Braith get punched in the face all day. Makes up for having to cheer for the little goblin for so long. I'm already self-hating about supporting the Tigers, and then they pull this poo poo. loving hell, it's no wonder I drink. Oh god, Tigers, I'm sorry. I know you don't mean to do this to me, it's my fault you hit me and make me cry. I'll be better, I promise.

Sorry about that, went a bit off topic. Anyway, this is the stock photo of a field I like to use; for the real one, please mentally superimpose a few dozen ads since there's generally more coloured ink on the grass than its natural colour nowadays. Much like the players, I guess. Kids nowadays...



You run one way and then switch over at half time, and hopefully everyone in your team stays between the sidelines for the majority of the game. If you play for the Tigers or Warriors, you'll generally be throwing the ball over those lines, but everyone else normally tries to keep the ball inside them and in play as much as possible. Please refer to the Wikipedia article or something else because I'm far too drunkbusy at work to bother with typing reams of useless waffle when I could be insulting teams/players I don't like and drinking heavilytaking a coffee break to drink heavily from a hipflask whilst crying quietly in the bathroom about the Tigers.


To score points:

TRY


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FTQDqIFAiD0

The thing that separates League from Union. Worth 4 points, and generally the most exciting scoring play in the game. I'm not counting field goals in that equation since although when they're actually scored they're impressive we normally have to put up with 500 poo poo attempts first. To score a try, you need to apply downward pressure to the ball in the endzone. You don't need to actually have control of the ball, so long as you touch it with your hand(s) as it touches the ground. This will ignite massive debate amongst everyone who doesn't support the scorer since they'll claim he just dropped it, although they'll conveniently forget that when their team's winger does the same thing 5 minutes later. As with most rules, please disregard the requirement to have control of the ball if the player in question plays for Melbourne.


CONVERSION

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6M52n2sOQXk

Since we can never get enough individuals scoring (except with prostitutes/groupies, wherein your better-behaved teams will share) you get to have a kick at goal after getting a try. It happens from in line from where you scored it, so that you don't need to break the laws of physics to get it through the posts. You only get 2 for doing this, but in the rare case of a Penalty Try you get to take a second shot at the goal in compensation for your player being toothless and concussed (moreso than normal).

PENALTY GOAL

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unpK4JcKcFw#t=75s

If something illegal happened elsewhere in play and you're wearing a purple jersey the refs might decide to give you a penalty goal, which is a shot at goal where the offence happened. They may also just do nothing if you were unlucky enough to be wearing a black and grey jersey or playing a game that drew a ref with painted-on eyes rather than the slightly more up-to-date models. These are also worth 2 points.

FIELD GOALS

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58j1rwD71S8

gently caress Golden Point. As I alluded to earlier, this play should be the most exciting thing relating to league without the words "NOT GUILTY" being announced to a large room, but because of this useless tacked-on 10 minutes we end up hating everyone who attempts one. All you have to do is drop-kick the ball through the posts, and you get one point for your efforts. Simple, no? Normally it's not, since you only ever try doing it when there's no time on the clock and the scores are level (I'd make a joke about Chris Sandow and his propensity for losing games by kicking them early, but the little fucker got shafted finally so I don't have to watch him fail to make tackles anymore). Anyway, as a result, you get a bunch of muppets without any talent taking their procession of pathetic efforts, all of which serve to make me want to murder somebody. This gets amped up in extra time since it's first-point-wins, so even more mouthbreathers give it a shot. How wonderful.

DETAILED EXPLANATION OF THE RULES

Look, I've never typed anything in this section before and I'm not starting now. I follow the Tigers, and who the gently caress knows what the rules are since we apparently live in some alternate dimension where the ref thinks it's normal for us to spend more time being held down than a woman in a club bathroom with the Broncos, and we get the whistle blown at us for just protecting the opposition players from accidentally glassing themselves. It's bullshit, that's what it is, and I'm not going to take it any more.

iajanus immediately goes and renews his club membership and refills his drink


POSITIONS

Once upon a time the positions the players lined up for meant something. The numbers on their backs would give you a good shorthand for what their roles and general talents would be and you could know that the low numbers would be the little tiny speedsters and the big numbers would be the fat meatheads who were used as battering rams. Sometime in the last decade the corporate wankery of multiskilling has crept in and now everyone has ability in different areas and it's not unusual to see a big hulking guy sprinting away wearing a number 3 and then fending off a tall, lithe 12. I guess it's led to more exciting football since now everyone can run, tackle and generally control the ball well enough to get passes off. Except for George Rose, of course, but every sport needs a 130kg fat man to look angrily at people and then get sent off. There are still some stereotypes, of course, so here's the general list so you can get up to speed with what we're saying <PLAYER X> is doing wrong (in this sentence, PLAYER X is anyone from the Eels or Tigers).

BACKS

Fullback (number 1)

The little guy at the back. He needs to be fast, able to play in the attacking line as well as stop runaway players, and probably will need to slot in at other places in the halves and outside backs at some points of the year. The mix between the goalkeeper and the striker, if you will. Most of them are portable speed-bumps but every so often one pulls off a decent tackle and the entire commentary team will fellate them for the rest of the game.

Winger (numbers 2, 5)

The guys closest to the sideline, which allows them to pose for a lot of photos with kids and solicit phone numbers from desperate female fans who won't respect themselves in the morning. In the last few years these guys have been getting better and better at defying gravity to score in the corner, and I'm pretty sure at the current rate of improvement someone will have learnt to levitate in the next 2-3 years. In general these guys are tall, thin and freakishly fast, so one wonders how Matt Utai ever got to this level considering he's a hobbit who forgot how to run in the latter years of his career.

Centre (numbers 3,4)

The next guys in the line tend to be a bit bigger, a bit stronger and a bit less fast (mentally and physically). Unlike the men outside them they can generally tackle, and have a lot more strength in breaking the line. The new mold for the position is Greg Inglis, who is some sort of genetic freak who has no right to be as big, fast or talented. It gets even worse if he's at fullback. Fear Inglis. A very key position as they are the difference between your wingers ever touching the ball or just watching it sail happily into row Z.

Five-Eighth (number 6)

The second most important person on your team. He is the one who helps run almost every play, does a lot of the kicking and takes pressure off the halfback. This is a position of considerable angst at the Tigers, who had a very good one who deteriorated for a while whilst showing glimpses of his best form before jetting off to NZ to play rugby, and then came back and played for a slightly better team. Never mind, I'm sure the 21 year old kid we put in his place will be just as good, he's already got the "unable to make tackles" thing down.

Halfback (number 7)

The most important guy on the field, unless your team has Daniel Mortimer in the jersey. He's the one running the show, controlling everything, and in the case of teams that aren't the Titans, setting up all the points. You really want to have a good one, so most of the teams are right hosed.

FORWARDS

Prop (numbers 8, 10)

The biggest, meanest and stupidest players on the park. Thankfully they can't read this so I'm safe for now. These guys do the grunt work, moving the ball up the park and making the majority of tackles and hit-ups. They get rotated throughout the game as unlike the backs they actually work hard. If they're not Todd Payten they're probably bumbling fucktards so don't rely on them to actually do anything complicated.

Hooker (number 9)

The defacto third playmaker in most teams. Whilst in the past this was just another gritty forward position, in the last 20 years it has become quite a useful place to have a third playmaker. Players such as Elias, Smith and Farah have shown the value of a good brain and talented hands here, and they frequently get to be the captain as well. They're very hard-working and generally aren't paid fairly for their night's work, but at least unlike the other people in the lives of footballers with this job description they are able to punch back.

2nd Row (numbers 11, 12)

Props who are a bit smaller and a little more fit/talented. That's about it, really.

Lock (number 13)

Generally a player who if he were slightly smaller could be a five-eighth. Sometimes players will switch between these two positions in a game/season. You need to be OK with the ball and have a decent footballing brain, or just be Greg Bird and be prepared to be a whiny poo poo with a horrible pedo-moustache who punches people whenever he gets a chance. Either way, really.

SUBS

You get 4 other meatheads who you can sub into the game when you feel like it. Normally you'd take 3 forwards and 1 back, but other combinations are occasionally tried with hilarious effects. There's very little more funny than when a team runs out of backs and starts slotting forwards into the backline - except when it's the Tigers and WE HAD ANOTHER CENTRE OUT THERE ON THE PARK BUT NOPE YOU DECIDED TO PUT A 2ND ROWER IN THERE ANYWAY AND WE LOST THE GAME BECAUSE OF IT YOU loving NUMPTY TAYLOR I HOPE YOU READ THIS AND CRY.

THE NRL



Whether you call the NRL the best league in the world or merely a feeder league for the English Superleague pretty much comes down to whether you live in Australia or you're a loving moron. The premier competition for the sport, it's a fiercely competitive and professional league that only occasionally needs to deregister players for being thrown in gaol. Unlike the retirement home that is the Superleague you'll see players in the prime of their careers, with exciting action in every game that doesn't have Parramatta or Cronulla playing. As a result of the salary cap being tightly enforced (hahahahahahaaahahahahahahah no rly) there's a good balance between the sides that means that everyone has a chance of winning (except, again, Wests). This keeps it fresh since unlike the EPL lots of random teams have won the thing - hell, the Panthers and the Tigers have both won it, so it's obviously a random crapshoot. Here's the list of teams participating this year, and some general facts so you know which ones are cunts (HINT: THE ANSWER IS SYDNEY and/or MANLY).


CLUBS

BRISBANE BRONCOS




Supporters: BlackShadow, BCR, GrunZicle, ili, Dirty Frank, Akileese, Airstream Driver, cpaf, BlindSite

Ins: Moses Pangai (Townsville Blackhawks), David Mead (Titans), Tautau Moga (Cowboys), Benji Marshall (Dragons), Mitchell Dodds (Warrington)

Outs: Greg Eden (Castleford), Brett Greinke (Rabbitohs), Corey Parker (retirement), Jarrod Wallace (Titans), Jack Reed (retirement), Carlin Anderson (Cowboys), Darren Nicholls (Panthers), Lachlan Maranta (rugby union)

As a football team it's hard to criticise the Broncos - they've been very successful over the years, generally play an attractive brand of football, and have a relatively low ratio of scandals to players. On the flipside, a good chunk of the reason they're able to do this is that is because they're a one-city team, they take advantage of the third-party-payment system to an insane level, and the media (whilst devoting their entire sports section to them each week) generally turns a blind eye to whatever they're doing. Whilst they made the grand final a couple of years ago they're in a little bit of a rebuilding phase at the moment, and apparently seem to be planning to use Benji Marshall in the halves this year so idk this could be a bit of a hosed year for them (we can only hope).

You should support them if: You can't stop wearing maroon, even for five minutes.

Last year: 5th

CANTERBURY-BANKSTOWN BULLDOGS




Supporters: Dumpstar, Hyperriker, 50% Of FlickingFire (the indecisive parts), Gobbledock, woofbro

Ins: Zac Woolford (Raiders), Josh Cleeland (Sharks), Rhyse Martin (Townsville Blackhawks), Brenko Lee (Raiders), Tom Carr (Dragons), Francis Tualau (Storm), Richard Kennar (Storm)

Outs: Pat O'Hanlon (retirement), Sam Perrett (retirement), Curtis Rona (rugby union, Western Force), Tim Browne (Panthers), Tony Williams (Sharks), Richard Coorey (released), Makahesi Makatoa (Raiders), Jarrod McInally (Queensland Intrust Super Cup), Graham Clark (released), Jake Kamire (released), Reubenn Rennie (released), Lamar Liolevave (released), Lloyd Perrett (Sea Eagles)

A club based in the desolate wastelands of "South of Parramatta Road", the Bulldogs have been actively trying to market themselves as the "Family Club", since for some reason their former moniker ("The gang-violence/surprise sex club") doesn't quite have the same ring to it. Since they're building a gameplan that apparently consists entirely of GIVE THE BALL TO THE FAT FORWARD AND LET HIM RUN they've divested themselves of everyone who didn't meet that criteria, which leaves a few holes in their lineup which will be interesting to fill. It wouldn't be shocking if they bombed out this year - they limped into the finals last year before being curbstomped in the first round.

You should support them if: You enjoy stabbing people in the street but always get home on time to have Sunday dinner with Nanna.

Last year: 7th

CANBERRA RAIDERS




Supporters: Burn Down Canberra (you poor bastard), aejix

Ins: Jordan Turner (St Helens), Dunamis Lui (Dragons), Makahesi Makatoa (Bulldogs), Scott Sorensen (Mounties), Brent Naden (Mounties)

Outs: Lachlan Lewis (Bulldogs), Sisa Waqa (rugby union), Zac Woolford (Bulldogs), Sam Williams (Wakefield), Brenko Lee (Bulldogs), Paul Vaughan (Dragons)

Holy poo poo, I'm actually going to write positive things about the Raiders this year. BDC, hold on to your hat. The Raiders finally lived up to their quality last year, with a string of impressive victories and sizzling play all over the park. Of course, being the Raiders, they couldn't seal the deal, but they took massive strides towards rewarding their long-suffering fans and possibly getting them to believe again. There hasn't been a lot of movement in the off-season so one would naturally assume that they should be in for a good year, but knowing how this club normally goes there's a decent chance they'll be putting Lifeline on their jerseys as a major sponser by the halfway point of the season.

You should support them if: You just won $20 on a scratchie and are ready to buy one more lottery ticket before putting the barrel into your mouth for good.

Last year: 2nd

CRONULLA SHARKS




Supporters: Lacklustre Hero, Big Steveo

Ins: Manaia Cherrington (Wests Tigers), Tony Williams (Bulldogs), Jeremy Latimore (Panthers), Daniel Mortimer (Titans)

Outs: David Fifita (released), Mitch Brown (Leigh), Josh Cleeland (Bulldogs), Michael Ennis (retirement), Connor Tracey (Rabbitohs), Jesse Sene-Lefao (Castleford Tigers), Ben Barba (released), Jacob Gagan (Knights), Matt McIlwrick (Wests Tigers), Junior Roqica (London)

Someone once said that waiting for Cronulla to win the premiership was like leaving the porchlight on for Harold Holt. Well, I can't be hosed making some sort of segue/joke about it this year (because everyone and their dog made them over the last few months and my comedy is always fresh, goddammit), so I'm just going to lead with the headline: The loving Sharks finally won the big show. Clearly it was one of the signs of the apocalypse, alongside every single celebrity dying last year and Trump being elected, so I guess we should all just be happy for their fans before the lava overtakes us all. Looking at their ins and outs it was probably for the best they won it last year, since they've had a big clearout and apparently believe Cherrington and Mortimer are going to somehow lead them to any victories. Still, they got a trophy, so good for them. Maybe they could invest some of the prize money in not having their home ground stink like a swamp.

You should support them if: You've been enjoying our Seven Signs of the Apocalypse Countdown and are ready to end it all now.

Last year: 3rd (Premiers, WTF)

GOLD COAST TITANS




Supporters: oystertoadfish, Redeye Flight, Sojobo, Byolante

Ins: Dan Sarginson (Wigan), Jarrod Wallace (Broncos), Kevin Proctor (Storm), Paterika Vaivai (free agent), Tyler Cornish (Roosters)

Outs: Nathan Friend (retirement), David Hala (released), Nene Macdonald (Dragons), David Mead (Broncos), Cameron Cullen (Sea Eagles), Luke Douglas (St Helens), Josh Hoffman (Eels), Greg Bird (Catalans), Jed Cartwright (Panthers), Daniel Mortimer (Sharks), Brian Kelly (Sea Eagles), Matt Srama (retirement)

HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE HAYNE

There. I saved you all from having to watch any Titans games with the sound on this year.

The Titans actually had a pretty well balanced team last year, and were unlucky to get bundled out of the finals so soon. This year, however, they seem to have thrown away every player they physically could, presumably so they can put all their eggs in the Peter Wallace/Jarryd Hayne basket. A different team in light blue could tell them how loving retarded that is, but I guess everyone needs to learn at their own pace.

You should support them if: You live in Queensland but have a weird affinity with wearing light blue and losing.

Last year: 8th

MANLY-WARRINGAH SEA EAGLES




Supporters: The Deadly Hume, Crawfoot, Fanatic

Ins: Frank Winterstein (rugby union), Shaun Lane (Warriors), Blake Green (Storm), Cameron Cullen (Titans), Akuila Uate (Knights), Curtis Sironen (Wests Tigers), Lloyd Perrett (Bulldogs), Jackson Hastings (Roosters), Brian Kelly (Titans), Jonathan Wright (Warriors)

Outs: Jamie Lyon (retirement), Tim Moltzen (retirement), Tom Symonds (Huddersfield), Siosia Vave (Eels), Liam Knight (Roosters), Nathan Green (released), Blake Leary (Blackhawks), Issac John (Mounties), Jayden Hodges (released), Rhys Armstrong (released), Fabian Goodall (rugby union), Halaufa Lavaka (released), Tony Satini (Panthers), Dylan Kelly (released), Hugh Pratt (released), Nicho Hynes (released), Darcy Cox (released), Josh Starling (Knights), Jamie Buhrer (Knights), Brayden Williame (Catalans), Matt Parcell (Leeds Rhinos), Feleti Mateo (Salford), Luke Burgess (Catalans)

The Silvertails. The Cunts from the Northern Beaches. Manly. In olden days they were one of the richer clubs, and liked to splash out and buy everyone with talent. In more recent times, they've been fairly successful but with the advent of Geoff Toovey and now Trent Barrett being the coaching equivalent of leukemia they've been losing players and matches with gay abandon. They've bought some decent players in the offseason, so it wouldn't be shocking to see them heading back up the ladder, but it's also hard to see how their coaching staff plans to do so considering they have literally no idea what they're doing.

You should support them if: You get scared crossing the Spit Bridge and prefer sponsor's daughters to man's best friend.

Last year: 13th

MELBOURNE STORM




Supporters: piss explosion, Franko, I Love Sanchize

Ins: Josh Addo-Carr (Wests Tigers), Brandon Smith (Cowboys), Vincent Leuluai (Roosters), Jahrome Hughes (Cowboys), Ryley Jacks (Sunshine Coast Falcons)

Outs: Marika Koroibete (rugby union), Josh Kerr (Dragons), Ryan Morgan (St Helens), Blake Green (Sea Eagles), Matt White, Francis Tualau (Bulldogs), Ben Hampton (Cowboys), Richard Kennar (Bulldogs), Kevin Proctor (Titans)

No description of Melbourne would be complete without a healthy reminder that they systematically cheated for years to win premierships and when they finally got caught and had their trophies taken off them they bleated on for ever about how harshly done-by they were. They've substantially benefited from this by being able to keep an incredible core of players together, which they've used to keep winning consistently even after losing some to the reality of having to conform to the salary-cap. As always, they'll be near the pointy-end, although it'll be nice if they don't win again since it never gets old to watch such a talented pack of cheaters get beaten. We're not bitter, I promise.

A hearty THANKS goes out at this point to the Sharkies for derailing the Storm Train last year, just when it looked like we'd have to put up with another offseason of their bullshit Melbourne superiority.

You should support them if: You have a large collection of trophies and don't care that nobody else recognises any of them being official.

Last year: 1st

NEWCASTLE KNIGHTS




Supporters: bowmore, Mackay, fuckpot, LuckySevens

Ins: Jamie Buhrer (Sea Eagles), Rory Kostjasyn (Cowboys), Ken Sio (Hull KR), Josh Starling (Sea Eagles), Jacob Gagan (Sharks), Joe Wardle (Huddersfield Giants)

Outs: Jeremy Smith (retirement), James McManus (retirement), Kade Snowden (retirement), Robbie Rochow (Rabbitohs), Akuila Uate (Sea Eagles), Jake Mamo (Huddersfield Giants), Korbin Sims (released)

Whilst winning only one game (and drawing one) game in the entirety of last year was pretty bad, things haven't been getting better in the off season. They haven't really gone shopping and have let a good amount of their remaining talent out the door (or into the emergency room), so I'm a bit worried that they're going to pick up their third wooden spoon in a row. On the other hand, they couldn't really get any worse than last year.... right?

You should support them if: You have been blissfully eccied/coked out of your mind since Johnsy was in the team and have no idea what they've been doing recently.

Last year: 16th

AUCKLANDNEW ZEALAND WARRIORSWELLINGTON ORCAS!





Supporters: Jono C, Ewar Woowar, Smorgasbord, Vagabundo

Ins: Kieran Foran (Eels)

Outs: Raymond Faitala-Mariner (Bulldogs), Thomas Leuluai (Wigan), Shaun Lane (Sea Eagles), Jonathan Wright (Sea Eagles), Henare Wells (Burleigh)

OK, this year they bought Foran. This should be a good laugh. The Warriors have been a running joke of buying theoretically good players and getting nothing out of them, so God only knows what will happen with someone like Foran who is already having a bit of a trainwreck of a career. Maybe he'll come good there and the Warriors will stop self-destructing every week? Who knows? They're generally a fun team to watch since there's always heaps of points in the offing, but there's always a good chance most of them will be in the other team's side of the ledger.

You should support them if: You love exciting football and massive underachievement.

Last year: 10th

NORTH QUEENSLAND COWBOYS




Supporters: foolish fool, 50% of FlickingFire (the less-successful indecisive parts)

Ins: Carlin Anderson (Broncos), Ben Hampton (Storm)

Outs: Brandon Smith (Storm), James Tamou (Panthers), Jahrome Hughes (Storm), Rory Kostjasyn (Knights), Tautau Moga (Broncos), Ben Hannant (retirement)

There was always going to be a hangover from finally winning a premiership, and to the Cowboys' credit they didn't drop too far down the table. They're always a dangerous team, and with JT starting to wrap up his long and storied career they're going to have a lot of incentive to send him out with a heap of premiership jewellry. They haven't been particularly active in the transfer market, and already have the core of an extremely good team. Expect another good showing, although it's hard to see them quite having the edge to win the thing.

You should support them if: You live anywhere in Queensland north of Brisbane. Seriously. What other loving choice do you have?

Last year: 4th

PARRAMATTA EELS




Supporters: Saul Goode, Danoss, spacegoat

Ins: Jamal Fogerty (Burleigh Bears), Siosia Vave (Sea Eagles), Nathan Brown (Rabbitohs), George Jennings (Panthers), Josh Hoffman (Titans), Suaia Matagi (Panthers), Frank Pritchard (Hull FC), Kirisome Auva'a (unattached), Will Smith (Panthers)

Outs: Tyrell Fuimaono (Rabbitohs), Michael Gordon (Roosters), Kieren Moss (Bradford), Anthony Watmough (retirement), Kieran Foran (Warriors), Luke Kelly (Rabbitohs), Danny Wicks (retirement), Vai Toutai (released), Mitch Cornish (Roosters)

The revolving door of "talent" continues unabated at the now homeless Parramatta "Football" Club. When you're this terrible and have such a massive upheaval of players it's impossible to predict improvement, but there's only so much further down they can go at this point, and they're not the loving Knights. Whilst watching Hayne shun them (because they never offered him a contract wtf) to go to a better blue and yellow team, the Eels have racked up enough negative highlights to fill the videos of every other club ennumerable times (except the Knights, I guess). Who knows how many fans will follow them to their temporary home - if they play as well as they did last year we might have a contender for beating the old Tigers/Magpies/Rabbitohs records for lowest attendance.

You should support them if: You can't bring yourself to go for a good western Sydney team so just picked the one with the longest name.

Last year: 14th

PENRITH PANTHERS




Supporters: Mootallica, Pig in the City

Ins: James Tamou (Cowboys), Tim Browne (Bulldogs), Michael Oldfield (Rabbitohs), Darren Nicholls (Redcliffe Dolphins), Mitch Rein (Dragons), Jed Cartwright (Titans)

Outs: Ben Garcia (Catalans), Chris Smith (Sydney Roosters), George Jennings (Eels), Zak Hardaker (Castelford), Jeremy Latimore (Sharks), Suaia Matagi (Eels), Andrew Heffernan (Hull KR), Chris Grevsmuhl (released), Robert Jennings (Rabbitohs), Will Smith (Eels)

A real standout year for the boys from the foot of the mountain, with a great core of young players and some clever moves in the transfer market. Everything seems sunny for Gus' lads, which means we'll have to loving hear about it every five minutes until the end of time. Look what you did, universe. Whether through lightning-fast attacking play or rock-solid defence, the Panthers were unlucky not to go further last year and it seems that barring injury they'll be up there at the pointy end for sure.

You should support them if: You've woken up in a cell at Penrith Police Station, saw a poster of the Chocolate Soldiers, and thought "this seems like a good life trajectory to continue".

Last year: 6th

ST GEORGE-ILLAWARRA DRAGONS




Supporters: heladocasero, Gregorio

Ins: Josh Kerr (Storm), Nene Macdonald (Titans), Cameron McInnes (Rabbitohs), Shaun Nona (Illawarra Cutters), Paul Vaughan (Raiders)

Outs: Mike Cooper (Warrington), Sebastine Ikahihifo (Huddersfield), Ben Creagh (retirement), Benji Marshall (Broncos), Dylan Farrell (retirement), Tom Carr (Bulldogs), Mitch Rein (Panthers), Dunamis Lui (Raiders), Adam Quinlan (Hull KR)

One of the blander and less offensive teams in the league, which for years has also been an excellent description of their playing style. Whilst their supporters look back fondly to a time where they were unquestionably the greatest team ever, the rest of us know that went into a retirement home decades ago, to be replaced by a stodgy and boring (but very occasionally successful) team in recent years. They've managed to get rid of Benji Marshall after finding out what everyone with a brain could have predicted about his ability nowadays, so I guess they'll probably go back to scoring 4 points per game. The only question is whether their tissue-paper defence will be able to restrict the opposition to less.

You should support them if: You hold onto any scraps of your prior success like the tattered dreams they are.

Last year: 11th

SOUTH SYDNEY




Supporters: Mills, Penguin Radar, Antitonic, SeekOtherCandidate

Ins: Tyrell Fuimaono (Eels), Robbie Rochow (Knights), Connor Tracey (Sharks), Robbie Farah (Wests Tigers), Luke Kelly (Eels), Anthony Cherrington (Redcliffe Dolphins), Robert Jennings (Panthers), Brett Greinke (Broncos)

Outs: Joe Burgess (Wigan), Luke Keary (Roosters), Paul Carter (Roosters), Kirisome Auva'a (released), Cameron McInnes (Dragons), Nathan Brown (Eels), Michael Oldfield (Panthers)

The pride of the league. Everyone's second club. Insert your own bullshit sycophantic spiel here. The most self-celebrated team in rugby league continued the comedic downward-spiral after their premiership win, and hilariously look like going even further down now that they're bought Robbie loving Farah as a older influence on the team. Asides from him they've had a bit of a cleanout and bought some decent youth, so might start going up the ladder if Farah stays injured and doesn't get the coach fired. This is bad for everyone since the only thing more horrific than Queensland coverage is when the Bunnies get going and the Sydney press starts fellating them 24/7.

You should support them if: You don't know what a Rabbitoh actually is and think it's a some old cute name for a fuzzy little bunny.

Last year: 12th

SYDNEY ROOSTERS




Supporters: Ribbo, Apollodorus, Green Eggs and Sam

Ins: Michael Gordon (Eels), Luke Keary (Rabbitohs), Liam Knight (Sea Eagles), Zane Tetevano (Wyong Roos), Paul Carter (Rabbitohs), Mitch Cornish (Eels), Brendan Santi (Blackhawks)

Outs: Vincent Leuluai (Storm), Sam Moa (Catalans), Tyler Cornish (Titans), Jackson Hastings (Sea Eagles)

A more detestable team of cunts has never existed in the history of mankind, and for our sins we must put up with them for yet another year. At least they're doing terribly nowadays, so we get to laugh at them a lot.

You should support them if: You're a stinkyhole.

Last year: 15th

WESTS TIGERS



(this image came up when I googled "Tigers Failure" and it was appropriate)

Supporters: iajanus, Contra Duck, Abalone Malone, Gorbash, emjayelle, MacDougall, Minisune

Ins: Jamal Idris (free agent), Matt McIlwrick (Sharks)

Outs: Josh Addo-Carr (Storm), Jack Buchanan (Widnes), Josh Drinkwater (released), Asipeli Fine (Bulldogs), Lamar Liolevave (Bulldogs), Billy McConnachie (released), Jesse Parahi (Rugby Sevens), Manaia Cherrington (Sharks), Dene Halatau (retirement), Robbie Farah (Rabbitohs), Curtis Sironen (Sea Eagles), Chance Peni (rugby union)

Ding dong, the Farah is dead! The spirit of the new is in the year, and the Tigers have all the talent and potential to have a wonderful year! With a talented core of young and skilled players and a defensive line that's astronomically better than any in the club's past, there's every chance the team will make the finals!

Of course, this is the basketcase club that threatens to go out of business every five minutes, loses control of their own Leagues Club and winds up massively in debt, never does anything intelligent in the transfer market, and frequently racks up 30 points only to open the floodgates and let in 50. Hell, all four of the team's most important players are off contract this year - I expect all of them to be playing somewhere else in 2018, if not sooner. Bonus points if they agree to new deals only to leave because we never give them a contract.

Honestly, I'm not bitter about Beau. Not at all.

You should support them if: You make terrible choices in life and have no pattern-recognising ability whatsoever.

Last year: 9th



ERRATA

NORTH SYDNEY CENTRAL COAST BEAGLE BEARS



People who still stupidly hold memberships: aejix, iajanus, quite a few other retards

Look, I want to believe. It's totally going to happen. Any day now. There can be miracles if you believe. :'(

And for our fans of shittiernorthern hemisphere football... who gives a gently caress, it's terrible (ps someone please send me a rundown of the teams etc and I'll put them in here)

iajanus fucked around with this message at Feb 8, 2017 around 21:26

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iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

That's a nice team.
It'll be a shame if something happened to it.

Team Anasta


also if anyone wants any more photos/videos in the OP let me know

Burn Down Canberra
Oct 27, 2005

GAME PLANS? We don't need no stinking game plans.



It will be very interesting to see how the raiders go now that they are expected to perform.

Fanatic
Mar 9, 2006



Good work on the OP. Guess I should start paying attention to this again and holy poo poo looks like Manly did another player cleanout

bowmore
Oct 6, 2008



THE! SUN! IS! OUT!


Lipstick Apathy

can't wait to hate-watch every Knights game this year

Contra Duck
Nov 4, 2004

#1 DAD


Nap Ghost

Hi this is my hopeful post for the year. Any subsequent ones will be full of sadness and rage. Tigers...

MiniSune
Sep 16, 2003

Smart like Dodo!

From the prior thread of shame:

Dirty Frank posted:

Toronto's first ever game (full game, its a friendly against Hull) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3nER9XWEzk

There's a loving Canadian team in the loving third level of English Rugby League! There are some good things about this bizarro universe we all wondered into.


I think this is pretty awesome and wish them nothing but the greatest success.

Dirty Frank
Jul 8, 2004



MiniSune posted:

From the prior thread of shame:



I think this is pretty awesome and wish them nothing but the greatest success.

loving Canada man! Every time I try to understand this I get confused, then excited, then confused, its like being 15 again!

cpaf
Jan 22, 2009



Toronto Wolfpack feat. Fuifui Moimoi, who is still apparently alive

Dirty Frank
Jul 8, 2004



cpaf posted:

Toronto Wolfpack feat. Fuifui Moimoi, who is still apparently alive

He'll be playing against part timers this season, he'll be fine even at 370.

MiniSune
Sep 16, 2003

Smart like Dodo!

cpaf posted:

Toronto Wolfpack feat. Fuifui Moimoi, who is still apparently alive

The regenerative powers of consuming human flesh

MiniSune
Sep 16, 2003

Smart like Dodo!

Tigernomics

fuctsports posted:

NRL 2017: Wests Tigers outlay record $1.3 million deal for untried youngster Moses Suli

Moses Suli hasn’t finished an under-20s match for the club, but the young Wests Tigers centre is believed to have signed the most lucrative NRL deal for a player yet to appear in first grade.

The Tigers confirmed on Sunday that Suli, 18, signed a three-year extension to keep him at the joint venture until the end of the 2020 NRL season.

It’s believed the deal is worth up to $1.3 million, as the club was forced to fight off interest from a number of rivals.

Suli, who scored tries in each of his NYC matches against Canberra and Melbourne last year, has spent the summer training with the NRL squad where he has impressed coach Jason Taylor.

“We realised that he’s got something special in how he handled that experience,” Taylor said.

“We’re looking forward to having him in and around our NRL group over the next few years, because we know that everything he gains there will only help him further.”

An under-16 NSW Origin representative, Suli is 106kg and can play centre or wing.

However since becoming eligible for under-20s last June, he has been struck down by back injuries.

“I’m hoping to have a crack at first-grade as soon as possible,” Suli said.

“I only played a few games last year and then got injured, but I’m back in training now and it’s been great to be out there with the senior guys in training.”

Suli’s deal is believed to be worth more than the reported $900,000 offered to David Klemmer to stay at Canterbury days before he made his NRL debut in 2013.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

That's a nice team.
It'll be a shame if something happened to it.

Team Anasta


Jesus Christ we are loving retarded

Puckish Rogue
Jun 24, 2010



BILLY SLATER IS BACK!!!

Fanatic
Mar 9, 2006



Don't know if it's worth adding in the OP yet, but I found out recently that the Rugby League World Cup is on in October - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2017_...eague_World_Cup

The fact USA is returning might garner some interest round these parts probably not

MiniSune
Sep 16, 2003

Smart like Dodo!

I think what is good is that under the relaxed international rule aka "Nathan your long lost granny was a kiwi right?" teams can be pumped with quality players with NRL experience who miss out on initial selection for their main nation, which will lead to a more even comp among the minnows and some good match ups.

Puckish Rogue
Jun 24, 2010



MiniSune posted:

I think what is good is that under the relaxed international rule aka "Nathan your long lost granny was a kiwi right?" teams can be pumped with quality players with NRL experience who miss out on initial selection for their main nation, which will lead to a more even comp among the minnows and some good match ups.

Can Aussie players who have glassed/beaten American girlfriends and players who have committed crimes on American soil play for the US under the relaxed rules?

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

That's a nice team.
It'll be a shame if something happened to it.

Team Anasta


Puckish Rogue posted:

Can Aussie players who have glassed/beaten American girlfriends and players who have committed crimes on American soil play for the US under the relaxed rules?

No, they all play for Australia.

Puckish Rogue
Jun 24, 2010



iajanus posted:

No, they all play for Australia.

drat

Jono C
Mar 28, 2007

I'm Tom Waterhouse, and I'm sponsoring this poster in the Something Awful 2013 NRL thread.

www.tomwaterhouse.com


I'm a precious snowflake, dammit.


The Warriors have announced that RTS will be captain with Mannering as his vice captain. Tohu Harris has signed for 2018. Ryan Hoffman is a certainty to be gone next year, and I'm fine with that.

PS: Great job as always with the OP, iajanus.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

That's a nice team.
It'll be a shame if something happened to it.

Team Anasta


Cheers Jono, but the Tigers have the Warriors beaten with our new and improved 7 man leadership group (Aaron Woods, Chris Lawrence, Matt Ballin, Tim Grant, Mitchell Moses, Elijah Taylor and James Tedesco). Woods is still main captain with Lawrence and Ballin as vice-captains.

At some point we may as well make the entire team the leadership group.

Smorgasbord
Jun 18, 2004

HEY
HEY
YORICK
HEY

GET THAT SHIT HORATIO

iajanus posted:

Cheers Jono, but the Tigers have the Warriors beaten with our new and improved 7 man leadership group (Aaron Woods, Chris Lawrence, Matt Ballin, Tim Grant, Mitchell Moses, Elijah Taylor and James Tedesco). Woods is still main captain with Lawrence and Ballin as vice-captains.

At some point we may as well make the entire team the leadership group.

lol Tigers.

RTS captain is a head scratcher but ok, Hoffman sucks anyway. Tohu Harris signing is loving awesome because as mentioned, Hoffman sucks and is paid a lot of money so we get a massive upgrade for not much more than we'd be paying Hoffman. Hoffman is really, really bad.

Jim Doyle has made some loving epic signings since he's taken over, time to get it together on the field though.

bowmore
Oct 6, 2008



THE! SUN! IS! OUT!


Lipstick Apathy

Jono C posted:

The Warriors have announced that RTS will be captain with Mannering as his vice captain. Tohu Harris has signed for 2018. Ryan Hoffman is a certainty to be gone next year, and I'm fine with that.

PS: Great job as always with the OP, iajanus.
Tohu Harris is a massive signing

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

That's a nice team.
It'll be a shame if something happened to it.

Team Anasta


That's always the problem with the Warriors; they make great signings and then inexplicably can't put it together on the field.

This is similar to the Tigers, except we make terrible signings and then explicably can't put it together on the field.

bowmore
Oct 6, 2008



THE! SUN! IS! OUT!


Lipstick Apathy

The Knights make no signings and then players they already have get injured and test positive for steroid cocaine

Puckish Rogue
Jun 24, 2010



bowmore posted:

The Knights make no signings and then players they already have get injured and test positive for steroid cocaine

True ambassadors of the sport.

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

That's a nice team.
It'll be a shame if something happened to it.

Team Anasta


The most NRL of teams.

cpaf
Jan 22, 2009



bowmore posted:

Tohu Harris is a massive signing

Watch him get the Hoffman treatment

NRL fantasy is up btw , I created a goon league for the thread: YOUR LEAGUE INVITATION CODE: EKY2ZAU4

It's H2H even though I got knocked out by the auto-include Lone Scout guy last year in the finals

bowmore
Oct 6, 2008



THE! SUN! IS! OUT!


Lipstick Apathy

cpaf posted:

Watch him get the Hoffman treatment

NRL fantasy is up btw , I created a goon league for the thread: YOUR LEAGUE INVITATION CODE: EKY2ZAU4

It's H2H even though I got knocked out by the auto-include Lone Scout guy last year in the finals
i'd be keen for a low key cash tournament if anyone is interested

cpaf
Jan 22, 2009



bowmore posted:

i'd be keen for a low key cash tournament if anyone is interested

I'd be keen as long as it wasn't H2H

adamantium|wang
Sep 14, 2003

Missing you


https://twitter.com/ManlyDaily/stat...029878541209600

quote:

THE iconic fortress of the Manly Sea Eagles may be renamed Lottoland in an exchange for a seven-figure sum.

A proposal was this afternoon being finalised between the club and newcomer to the online lottery game Lottoland for naming rights to Brookvale Oval.

The Sea Eagles are expected to announce more details in the coming days.

The Lottoland sign would be erected before the club’s first NRL home game on March 5.

Sea Eagles chief financial officer Neil Bare was confident fans would supportive the name change as it would “save rugby league on the northern beaches”.

yes yes very good start to the year

Vagabundo
Mar 20, 2007

SWING LOW
SWEET CHARIOT


Rugby League 2017 thread set to be renamed Lottoland

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

That's a nice team.
It'll be a shame if something happened to it.

Team Anasta


God drat why did I book the 6:10am flight to Auckland tomorrow

Jono C
Mar 28, 2007

I'm Tom Waterhouse, and I'm sponsoring this poster in the Something Awful 2013 NRL thread.

www.tomwaterhouse.com


I'm a precious snowflake, dammit.


iajanus posted:

God drat why did I book the 6:10am flight to Auckland tomorrow

Cheap flights and more money for booze? If you're going to the Nines, think about sneaking your own drinks into Eden Park. It's pretty much a national sport here. Unless of course you like overpriced Heinekens or whatever they serve there these days.

MiniSune
Sep 16, 2003

Smart like Dodo!

Jono C posted:

Cheap flights and more money for booze? If you're going to the Nines, think about sneaking your own drinks into Eden Park. It's pretty much a national sport here. Unless of course you like overpriced Heinekens or whatever they serve there these days.

I think stadium food and drink is universally poo poo and overpriced irrespective of nation.

And in the case of Loftus Versfeld, may contain bonus rodent.

Jono C
Mar 28, 2007

I'm Tom Waterhouse, and I'm sponsoring this poster in the Something Awful 2013 NRL thread.

www.tomwaterhouse.com


I'm a precious snowflake, dammit.


MiniSune posted:

I think stadium food and drink is universally poo poo and overpriced irrespective of nation.

True that. I'm good at stating the loving obvious.

Here's the best recorded successful attempt at getting beer into Eden Park.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGo4_6QutIg

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

That's a nice team.
It'll be a shame if something happened to it.

Team Anasta


Of course I'm going to the Nines, what other reason would one ever have to fly to Auckland ?

Traditionally I sneak two hip flasks of scotch into stadiums but idk of I can be bothered this time, I'm probably going to want to be a lot more drunk than that for this. I'm still weighing up whether to take my tiger onesie I got as a Xmas present. I'm mostly overjoyed that it's about ten degrees cooler over there since it's a boiling hell here atm.

Puckish Rogue
Jun 24, 2010



iajanus posted:

I'm still weighing up whether to take my tiger onesie I got as a Xmas present.

do it do it do it do it do it do it

By "take" I assume you mean "only take."

iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

That's a nice team.
It'll be a shame if something happened to it.

Team Anasta


The only upside about being at the airport at 5am is no line when buying copious amounts of duty free scotch and laughing at tourists trying to work out the automatic gates.

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iajanus
Aug 17, 2004

That's a nice team.
It'll be a shame if something happened to it.

Team Anasta


It's also pretty good if you can go to the lounge and chill out with a few glasses of expensive spirits and then win the upgrade lottery to get business class tickets

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