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Hell many of my best lays came from people with mental deficiencies. It's really hard to tell the difference when you're drunk as a skunk
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Feb 28, 2017 06:15
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Cnut the Great posted:Wait so you hosed a retard? Sure did. My mates didn't let me live that one down for a while. Got a funny date story to share?
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Feb 28, 2017 06:17
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Grem posted:You don't have to understand how anything other than cis-gendered sex works, and it's best if you don't try. im just trying to get the details straight.
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Feb 28, 2017 06:20
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I was dating this girl for 5 years, we still did real dating cause i'm a romantic & I just turned 18 a couplelot months ago & she was still 17 for another couple weeks so we didn't have our own place to pound it out yet. (Waiting forfor her to turn 18) The date itself was pretty good, we went and seen a movie & ate at applebees, shared our entrees and did all the cutesy poo poo like that. The movie kinda sucked but we still had fun with it. She drove this time, she has a nice 72 mustang with the pop top & everything. Normally I drive & pick the spot to gently caress but she wanted to treat me cause she knew I wouldn't like the movie but would see it for her anyways. She picked the spot, and it was a bad one. She parked the car behind a cluster of corn silo's & started getting it on with chocolate & whipped cream involved. Like 45 minutes into it, we hear a knock on the window & all I can think about is how hosed I am. Roll down the window a crack, we both butt rear end naked. Cop askd what we're doing & my gf belts out this story about how we ran out of gas & it was cold so we decided to gently caress some heat into existence while her grandpa comes with a gas can to top us off. He lol's & asks for our licenses, notices i'm 18 & she 17. He's looking directly at me & asks "did you consent to this?" & without thinking I just blurt yes cause the ckp is looking at me, and he goes "not you dumbass your dick is still hard" & my gf cracks up, slaps be in the back of the head. Says yes, says parents consent (I found out age of consent laws in IL is 17 thank god), & cop says he doesn't wanna ruin our lives so he gave us 10 minutes to finish up & get on out. Never let her pick the spot again, shook on car fuckin for life
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Feb 28, 2017 06:40
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Whipped cream in a car?
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Feb 28, 2017 06:48
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Yeah you apply only what you're gonna eat right away and also bring a towel & babby wipes
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Feb 28, 2017 06:49
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Tonetta posted:If retards weren't allowed to gently caress you would die a virgin I like this because it works both ways.
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Feb 28, 2017 06:57
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Met someone at a dance club, which is strange for me because I don't know how to dance and I don't like dancing or dance clubs. It was a Thursday night, "Goth" night, so I figured there would be tons of people with terrible self esteem and my chances of finding a sexy goth chick to go home with were going to be really high. Over the course of the evening, I spent ~$150 on whiskey & sodas. Toward the end of the night this beautiful lady came up to me, started dancing and kissing my neck and it feelt REALLY good. She leaned toward me and whispered in my ear "I think you're really loving sexy," so I said "Thank you." She invited me back to her place, and walked (I live in Portland and driving cars is frowned upon here) with her about 10 minutes away. We got to her place, it was really nice and had fancy poo poo all over, very feng shui with lots of artifacts and Indian style things like wind chimes and dream catchers and poo poo. We were getting hot and heavy, but by then I noticed she had a dick and she was not a she at all. Just a very femme dude, but not even with a sexy body. Short and a little frumpy/flabby. Ended up loving anyways because I didn't want to offend the dude, but I'm still ashamed of myself that I didn't realize the person was a man. To be fair I was very very drunk and just getting over a recent divorce so being close to ANYBODY was comforting. In the morning he had some stubble and when we kissed it scratched my face and I still shudder thinking about that sandpapery chin rubbing on my bare chest. I've learned now that in order to avoid this happening again, whenever I meet someone I always ask if they have a dick or a vagina. It's not the best strategy but it's better than having to plow a sad late 30's something on a cold Thursday night.
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Feb 28, 2017 07:36
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this didn't take place at night, but it was my worst dating experience so close enough i once took the bus uptown to see this woman for a drink, which is what i usually do for a first date from a dating app. i got a $100 ticket for not having the proper receipt for the fast-lane bus because i forgot to take the correct one when i used my ride card (later overturned because i provided proof that i paid). i took the bus a couple more stops to the bar, and she was talking to two of her friends that happened to be at the next door bar. we drank and talked for 15 minutes while she kept checking her phone, at which point she said "this isn't gonna work out." i left and saw her talking to those same two friends and holding a baby that belonged to one of them she's a Patriots fan so she also sucks because of that
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Feb 28, 2017 07:44
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I took a girl out to see the Wicked City anime film as we both liked Akira at the time and thought it would be good...
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Feb 28, 2017 07:53
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well it all started when she asked if we could go to some hillbilly's hot dog restaurant...
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Feb 28, 2017 07:53
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Chatted this bird up on Tinder and we met at this lovely japanese noodle bar. She kept talking about pokemon like a retard but she had an amazing rear end. Long story short, she drugged me and kept me locked in a basement for 20 years
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Feb 28, 2017 08:19
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I once went on this date with this girl who was clearly mentally ill So we're out on this date near the sinkhole eating chicken and shooting frogs with my .22 when suddenly her dad shows up and he starts beating the poo poo out of me with a golf club
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Feb 28, 2017 08:28
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These are really mundane but who cares. Early in my freshman year I met a girl at my dorm and she was surprisingly smart and friendly and even agreed to go see a movie with me (Dead Poets Society as I recall). My car was broken down so I can't drive anywhere, and she had no car. We walked a long way across campus on a sweltering day to catch the bus route that is supposed to go wherever the theater is. We wait and wait at the bus stop but it never comes; eventually we figured out that the route doesn't have service on weekends or some poo poo. So we walked a long way back to the dorm (uphill) and like i said it's like 105 degrees or whatever. We get there and we've pretty much run out of idle conversation at this point and we are hot and she's clearly annoyed at me even though I Don't Think I Did Anything Wrong. But I do ask, if she would like to try something else that evening or some other time and she made it clear she has a very important amount of laundry to do for the forseeable future. Maybe I was being oversensitive but to me it felt pretty strongly like she was Done With Me. And before long she was hooked up with some other guy anyway. Another time, a bit later in the same year, my car was fixed*. I went out with a different girl for a simple dinner and, poo poo I dunno, I think we played pool or bowling. It seemed to be going OK but then she asked me to give her a ride to some kind of soccer thing where some guy she knew was playing. And it was clear she wanted me to drive her over there to meet/hook up with this other guy. I felt slighted that I was basically being asked to drive her someplace to facilitate some kind of relationship with some other guy, so I declined, and she got all pouty and that was the end of it for us. Then years later I had a nice date with a blonde girl I met at a party, and after appetizers, drinks, and a steak and lobster dinner at a high end restaurant she politely informed me that she was not attracted to me. At all. (The "At All" part was needlessly sharp of her to say, I think.)
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Feb 28, 2017 08:29
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Lazyhound fucked around with this message at 00:10 on Mar 1, 2017 |
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Feb 28, 2017 09:26
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I once went out with a chick whose comically oversized, circus tits, were just waaaaaay too big.
VendaGoat fucked around with this message at 09:39 on Feb 28, 2017 |
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Feb 28, 2017 09:33
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One time a girl from one of my classes called me at like 10pm on a Friday night to come over and to bring beer to play "board games". I did and not only did she really want to play board games (it was monopoly), a bunch of her church friends were there too and tried to recruit me to their bible study group the whole time. I drove home after winning monopoly despite the generous offer of letting me sleep on the floor of their living room. I guess it wasn't really a date since there were so many people, but I definitely thought it was something like that going in. This isn't the first time a girl has asked me to go somewhere making it sound like it would be a 1 on 1 actual date and it ends up being a group thing. Maybe I shouldn't have tried dating so many girls from church back then because it seemed like they all did that.
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Feb 28, 2017 10:51
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Christian church girls never put out, but Catholic girls will let you stick it in their bum. God is fake anyways.
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Feb 28, 2017 19:34
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Tonetta posted:Wasn't this a thing most teens experienced (one way or the other) during one of their first sexual encounters? If he was out of high school lmao what a bitch Youre supposed to chop off your dick when you tran idiot
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Feb 28, 2017 19:51
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Carmant posted:Youre supposed to chop off your dick when you tran idiot You have to sit on a waiting list for literally years you dumbfuck
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Feb 28, 2017 19:54
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lol just go buy some scissors you idiot fucker
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Feb 28, 2017 20:25
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Or is that not something people in the Gaming Community do?
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Feb 28, 2017 20:26
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On my third day or so in Bangkok this wasted hippie Canadian stumbled through the lobby at like 10am. I see him the next day at about the same time, he starts a conversation up. Turns out the day before was his first day and that night he met a ladyboy and he said "I just thought she was a really interesting person, you know, and the last thing I remember she was cradling my head like a baby and feeding me soup in a restaurant." She had drugged him and he had all of his hippie SE Asia adventure for a year money (couple grand) in a pouch under his shirt along with his ATM card and passport, which she stole. He got credit at the little hotel and his friends back in Surrey wired him some tiny money. When he got his replacement passport he found out that those are only good for six months and that most visas require a year of future validity in your passport to be issued, so he left back to Canada in a huff having basically only gone to Bangkok for a while (he wanted to go be a pothead next to the lake in Laos like all of his sort did back then) and gotten robbed by a tranny for being dumb as hell. During that time I had managed to find a job at a university that was p deec and gave me 4 months paid vacay raton fucked around with this message at 20:34 on Feb 28, 2017 |
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Feb 28, 2017 20:28
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Nooner posted:lol just go buy some scissors you idiot fucker You need the penis intact so you can turn it inside out and make a vagina out of the tissue when you do the reconstructive surgery. The moar u know...
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Feb 28, 2017 20:29
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Tonetta posted:Christian church girls never put out, but Catholic girls will let you stick it in their bum. I don't remember if all the girls I devirginized were Catholic or not but it's possible
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Feb 28, 2017 20:29
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Actually now that I think about it there was at least one Buddhist
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Feb 28, 2017 20:29
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I was friends with this girl in college and we decided to go on a date because that seemed to be where things were going. So I make reservations for a nice restaurant and buy tickets for a play. I pick her up and realize I need to get gas. So I do that and somehow that got me all turned around. I had looked up directions to the parking garage I needed to park in, but this was just before the days of gps on phones, so once I got turned around, I was hosed. So there was lots of aimless driving, so much in fact that we missed dinner altogether. When I finally found the lot I ended up having to squeeze into a tiny parking space and scratched the hell out of my front bumper. Then it turns out this was the wrong garage and it was actually a mile from the theater. So we're walking in the freezing cold and I somehow completely miss the signals that she is really loving cold and would like my coat. We had to eat brownies for dinner at the theater and it was a comedy that neither of us enjoyed and then we drove back, I pulled up in front of the dorm I lived in and she was like "no, take me back to my dorm" Also we were both good friends with this other girl and the girl I went on the date with told her all about her experience, which the other girl then told me about, so I got to hear all the details from her point of view, lol. I put a lot more planning into my dates now to avoid things like this. 
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Feb 28, 2017 20:31
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autoaim.cfg posted:You need the penis intact so you can turn it inside out and make a vagina out of the tissue when you do the reconstructive surgery. I mean, "need" uh, "~~need~~", ehhhh
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Feb 28, 2017 20:31
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Sheep-Goats posted:Actually now that I think about it there was at least one Buddhist are you just assuming that because she looked like the Buddha?
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Feb 28, 2017 20:32
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500 good dogs posted:are you just assuming that because she looked like the Buddha? She had one inverted nipple she was incredibly embarrassed about but was a pretty and nice girl.
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Feb 28, 2017 20:35
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Sheep-Goats posted:She had one inverted nipple she was incredibly embarrassed about but was a pretty and nice girl. much like your posting
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Feb 28, 2017 20:38
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Well, I met a girl at the Rainbow bar and she asked me if I'd beat her. She took me back to the Hyatt House. I don't want to talk about it. Poor pitiful me.
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Feb 28, 2017 20:43
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Oscar Wild posted:Well, I met a girl at the Rainbow bar and she asked me if I'd beat her. She took me back to the Hyatt House. I don't want to talk about it. What was her safe word?
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Feb 28, 2017 20:44
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Oscar Wild posted:Well, I met a girl at the Rainbow bar and she asked me if I'd beat her. She took me back to the Hyatt House. I don't want to talk about it. Nevermind
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Feb 28, 2017 20:46
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When I showed up to the date, she was already drunk. After a little lovely smalltalk she made me read her harry potter slash fic. The only time I've left for a friend's "emergency" without paying
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Feb 28, 2017 21:11
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autoaim.cfg posted:You need the penis intact so you can turn it inside out and make a vagina out of the tissue when you do the reconstructive surgery. Haha woah that's freaky deaky. It's keep the penis it's way hotter that way
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Feb 28, 2017 21:16
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Not a Children posted:When I showed up to the date, she was already drunk. After a little lovely smalltalk she made me read her harry potter slash fic. The only time I've left for a friend's "emergency" without paying I bet you missed out on the freakiest Harry Potter roleplay sex of your life. 
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Feb 28, 2017 21:50
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i now know way too much about whipped cream than I ever needed to .. how did you keep it cold e:gas Sjs00 fucked around with this message at 23:37 on Feb 28, 2017 |
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Feb 28, 2017 23:31
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Tonetta posted:You have to sit on a waiting list for literally years you dumbfuck I know a guy. he'll hook you up. for cheap too.
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Feb 28, 2017 23:46
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 10:22 |
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Things go well, we get back to her place and it's a disgusting hoarder nest with chunky vomit residue in the sink and toilet. We have mediocre sex and I make a half-hearted attempt at cleaning up while shaming her for how she lives.
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Mar 1, 2017 00:25
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