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KungFu Grip
Jun 18, 2008



----------------------------------------------------------------------



MARCH 5TH!(This Sunday!!!)

WWE Universal Championship Match
Kevin Owens(c) vs. Goldberg

Braun Strowman vs. Roman Reigns

WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match
Neville(c) vs. Jack Gallagher

WWE Raw Women's Tag Team Championship Match
Bayley (c) vs. Charlotte Flair

WWE Raw Tag Team Championship Match
Gallows & Anderson (c) vs. Enzo & Big Cass

Samoa Joe vs. Sami Zayn(?)

Nia Jax vs. Sasha Banks

Pre-Show Kick Off Match
Noam Dar & The Brian Kendrick vs. Rich Swann & Akira Tozawa

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Raw Results

Goldberg came out to the ring and says Kevin Owens last week just talked talked talked. Tonight Goldberg says he's not going to do that, he's got 6 days. When Goldberg makes promises he keeps them. He promises to his fans, his wife, his son, and Kevin Owens that after Fastlane he will be Universal Champion then walk into Wrestlemania against Brock Lesnar to defend that title. Kevin Owens comes out and runs down the list of people he's beaten since debuting in WWE. Owens then says Goldberg is next, not in a cute catchphrase way, but he's next in that he'll join the evolution of Kevin Owens. Goldberg says that was a nice speech but all it did was piss him off and if Owens is done talking, how about they fight. Owens starts walking to the ring, says that tonight it will be a Greenbay Street Fight, but Owens realizes he is in Greenbay and says they don't deserve to see him fight. However at Fastlane, the Goldberg chants die.

New Day come out saying that the New Day Ice Cream aka New Day Pops are coming but first they have to beat the Shining Stars. They swerve into the Oscars bit about the wrong people being announced. Primo and Epico aren't facing New Day tonight. Instead they are facing Big Show. New Day was supposed to announce that they were facing Rusev and Jinder Mahal as they pull their name out of a red envelope.

You see at the Oscars last night La La Land was announced as the winner of Best Picture when the wrong card was read for the previous category for Best Actress, the real winner was the movie Moonlight.

New Day defeated Rusev and Jinder. Rusev and Jinder argued after the match.

Enzo and Cass were backstage and Enzo was annoying Cass because he didn't think he was taking their title match serious

Samoa Joe confronted Sheamus and Cesaro

Stephanie humiliates Foley for being an old man and not the Hardcore legend from the Attitude Era.

Kendrick cut a pretaped promo on Tozawa

Tozawa defeated Noam Dar. Kendrick attacked Tozawa after the match

Aries said he has a big scoop. Rovert knew about this 2 weeks ago

Foley is backstage mad about Stephanie humiliating him. Joe walks up to do it himself and Foley tells him he has a match with Cesaro tonight.

Charlotte and Dana Brooke come out and cut a promo about one hit wonders and Charlotte forgets her lines. Sasha and Bayley come out and remind them they have a tag match. Charlotte says Dana is no longer gonna be her tag partner and out comes Nia Jax.

Nia Jax and Charlotte defeat Sasha and Bayley

Foley is talking to Braun Strowman that there will be no competition tonight. Braun says he wasn't here for one. He calls Roman Reigns a coward after being destroyed week after week. He says he wants Roman to sign a contract confirming the match.

Big Cass defeats Luke Gallows

Sheamus squashes Titus O'Neil even after a sneak attack.

Corey Graves interviews Seth Rollins who is on a crutch. Seth doesn't know what his future is and he feels like a failure. Triple H and Joe come out. HHH mocks Seth and his injury and tells him not to be at Wrestlemania. Seth says if he does show up, he has nothing to lose, so he'll destroy himself at Mania as long as he destroys HHH too.

Big Show defeats the Shinning Stars

Tony Nese is too busy looking at his abs to listen to Neville who is upset at Gallagher making a fool of him.

Aries big scoop was that he might be returning to the ring sometime.

Gallagher and TJP defeat Nese and Neville. Neville abandoned Nese.

Beth Phoenix is in the Hall of Fame.

Sasha and Bayley are in the back nursing their injuries. Sasha says she has Bayley's back at Fastlane. Stephanie comes up and says don't worry about Bayley's back, worry about your own. She says it will be Sasha vs. Nia at Fastlane.

Joe defeats Cesaro. Worked over Cesaro's knee then won with the Uranage which seems to be his main roster finisher.

Joe is interviewed on the ramp when Sami Zayn attacks him.

Foley is in the ring for the contract signing. Braun comes out tells Foley to leave because he's a loser. Foley screams in Braun's face tells him to respect a legend like him. Braun corners him and Roman comes down. They brawl through the crowd until Roman spears Braun through a barricade and a security member. Roman is going to sign the contract but Braun gets back up and into the ring. Braun throws Roman chest first into the corner snapping the turnbuckle off the ring. Roman gets back up as Braun is leaving and signs the contract as Braun nods to end Raw.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Smackdown Results
  • Shane and Daniel watched a replay of the Harper/AJ finish from the previous week, where it was clear Harper won. Because Bryan had already made the call the previous week the match between the two would still have to go ahead. AJ showed up and mocked Harper who of course was standing right behind him.

  • John Cena was the guest on MizTV. Miz cut Cena's mic before he could get started to rip on him for being a manipulator and a hypocrite. When Cena was finally allowed to retort, he pointed out that if he was really free to dictate who and when he got to wrestle then he wouldn't be wasting his time in the ring with Miz, he'd be face to face with the Undertaker. He pointed out that Miz steals everything from wrestlers and personalities that are better than him, he was "a dude dressed up as a dude playing another dude". Maryse berated Cena, insinuated he has a little dick, and slapped him. Nikki charged down to the ring as Miz and Maryse left and warned Maryse she would "break you, bitch" if she touched Cena again.

  • Becky Lynch defeated Mickie James in a 2-out-of-3 falls match. Mickie won the first fall and Becky the final two. Alexa tried to distract Becky on the final fall but it backfired and allowed Becky to get the Disarmer on Mickie.

  • Harper did a spooky promo saying he was not afraid of Bray Wyatt, but when they fought at Wrestlemania Bray would be scared of him. Bray's counter-promo had him very bemused.

  • Alexa Bliss was interviewed backstage, complained that the question was about Becky Lynch and not her title, then gushed happily how unexpected it was to be asked about her title when the chastened interviewer asked her about it.
    Nattie showed up and told Alexa she was coming for the title.

  • AJ defeated Luke Harper in a great match with a hot crowd. Harper clearly had his foot on the rope when pinned though and Shane McMahon came out and restarted the match. While AJ was arguing with Shane, Harper went for a superkick and hit Shane instead. AJ pinned Harper and is going to WRESTLEMANIA!

  • James Ellsworth and Carmella mocked John Cena and Nikki Bella who set-up a match against them the following week.

  • Styles refused to shake Bryan's hand when he tried to congratulate him on his title shot.

  • Dolph Ziggler defeated Apollo Crews in a Chair match after thumbing his eye and then crotching him on a chair.

  • Bray Wyatt came out to do a promo, but was interrupted by Randy in Bray's spooky shed. Randy very abruptly claimed he had never been part of Bray's family, claimed Sister Abigail was buried beneath Bray's rocking chair, took out a pickaxe and declared he would be the master and Bray the servant. He set fire to the spooky shed and told Bray he would see him at Wrestlemania. The show went off the air with Bray freaking out.

Somebody fucked around with this message at 04:07 on Mar 1, 2017

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KungFu Grip
Jun 18, 2008
I dont remember picking the nfl tag but whatever. J-ru you can change that to the WWE one

Professor Funk
Aug 4, 2008

WE ALL KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN
Raw was bad

Fastlane is going to be bad

that's my piece

SamuraiFoochs
Jan 16, 2007




Grimey Drawer
That Rollins segment would've been good immediately after the KO swerve.

Tato
Jun 19, 2001

DIRECTIVE 236: Promote pro-social values
Bad RAW slightly redeemed by a crowd giving it exactly the reaction it deserved.

DoctorGonzo
Jul 25, 2016

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
https://twitter.com/StephMcMahon/status/836211893253603328?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw

Sotar
Dec 1, 2009
This RAW was a bad feedback loop of bad crowd so RAW started badly so the crowd got worse so RAW got worse.

SamuraiFoochs
Jan 16, 2007




Grimey Drawer

Sotar posted:

This RAW was a bad feedback loop of bad crowd so RAW started badly so the crowd got worse so RAW got worse.

Yeah.

Ragnarok the Red
Jun 21, 2002
The Braun Strowman Own Zone rolls on for another week.

CarlCX
Dec 14, 2003

By the generally bad standards of Raw that was still bad.

But we're now slightly closer to Smackdown, so that's good.

Dimebags Brain
Feb 18, 2013





Could Aaron Rodgers even have saved this Raw?

Tomahawk
Aug 13, 2003

HE KNOWS
How can Sami Zayn and Samoa Joe have a match if they didn't sign a contract

achillesforever6
Apr 23, 2012

psst you wanna do a communism?

Professor Funk posted:

Raw was bad

Fastlane is going to be bad

that's my piece
Nah Fastlane has some matches that look to be good at least

Sotar
Dec 1, 2009

Dimebags Brain posted:

Could Aaron Rodgers even have saved this Raw?

This RAW was so dead that if Rodgers came out past hour one he would have gotten a medium pop at best.

Professor Funk
Aug 4, 2008

WE ALL KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN

achillesforever6 posted:

Nah Fastlane has some matches that look to be good at least

I'm going to refer back to this post when Goldberg squashes KO and Strowman gets fed to Reigns

rovert
Jun 10, 2013
Cranky mid Competition weight cut Dana: https://twitter.com/totaldivaseps/status/836400847684792320 https://twitter.com/DanaBrookeWWE/status/836407092038623233

CarlCX
Dec 14, 2003

I have to assume Reigns is going to be about to beat Strowman and the Undertaker will Akuma-teleport into the ring and kill him to set up Wrestlemania.

DeepDickPizza
Oct 11, 2012

THREE TIME! THREE TIME!
The way they've barely even brought Jericho up the past two weeks leads me to believe they're trying to make the audience forget about him a little so that it's a bigger surprise when he appears at Fastlane. I wish it was to screw Goldberg so that he could get a Universal Title shot, but he will actually help screw Owens out of the Title to make him look really dumb.

CubsWoo
Aug 17, 2005

Where the big boys RAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH FUCK YOU

CarlCX posted:

I have to assume Reigns is going to be about to beat Strowman and the Undertaker will Akuma-teleport into the ring and kill him to set up Wrestlemania.

they saved the ring carts from the rumble to facilitate this

OJ MIST 2 THE DICK
Sep 11, 2008

Anytime I need to see your face I just close my eyes
And I am taken to a place
Where your crystal minds and magenta feelings
Take up shelter in the base of my spine
Sweet like a chica cherry cola

-Cheap Trick

Nap Ghost

CarlCX posted:

I have to assume Reigns is going to be about to beat Strowman and the Undertaker will Akuma-teleport into the ring and kill him to set up Wrestlemania.

bonus points if he has to do a favor for Steph and Hunter in order to actually get the match because he wants revenge





there's always a plan b

Blaise330
Aug 13, 2007

GOD'S FAVORITE CHAMPION
This week the biggest cheer was Big Show in a handicap match, which was still less over than tea and biscuits were last week. I'm so conflicted, I want Neville on a monster heel run but Gallagher has been the only babyface carrying the cruiserweight division, especially on RAWs. Plus I just like Gallagher's "I'll fight any loving body, any loving time, and I'll look dapper while doing it" attitude. So many babyfaces look like bullies, Gallagher is the anti-bully.

Ostentatious
Sep 29, 2010

matt hardy

Intruder
Mar 5, 2003

Ragnarok the Red posted:

The Braun Strowman Own Zone rolls on for another week.



Juiced guys named Braun do well in Wisconsin

Peter Bazooka
Sep 29, 2005

This isn’t really anything I think I like.
How much better would Raw be if Stephanie and Foley never appeared again?

The_Rob
Feb 1, 2007

Blah blah blah blah!!

Peter Bazooka posted:

How much better would Raw be if Stephanie and Foley never appeared again?

It would still be a boring slog.

Jerusalem
May 20, 2004

Would you be my new best friends?

I've liked Raw the last few weeks but this one was pretty drat boring, and probably the last I'll be able to watch live for a little while so it didn't exactly go out on a high note.

I am a fan of Braun continuing to dominate Roman even when he's all beaten up though!

Beef Jerky Robot
Sep 20, 2009

"And the DICK?"

Is there a plan for the U.K. Belt or what

DeepDickPizza
Oct 11, 2012

THREE TIME! THREE TIME!
Next week Raw is in Chicago and is the first show after the last ppv before Wrestlemania, so it may actually be good. Depending on the outcomes at the Fastlane Vrrrrooooommmm, it may actually be very good.

Tonight's Raw, however, was the opposite of good. It was very, very bad.

KungFu Grip
Jun 18, 2008

Beef Jerky Robot posted:

Is there a plan for the U.K. Belt or what

NXT

RacistGuidingLight
Apr 5, 2009

by FactsAreUseless
Whoof, hater patrol out in full force tonight. Do your dang job Jerusalem!

Lid
Feb 18, 2005

And the mercy seat is awaiting,
And I think my head is burning,
And in a way I'm yearning,
To be done with all this measuring of proof.
An eye for an eye
And a tooth for a tooth,
And anyway I told the truth,
And I'm not afraid to die.

Beef Jerky Robot posted:

Is there a plan for the U.K. Belt or what

Brexit Stage Left

Blaise330
Aug 13, 2007

GOD'S FAVORITE CHAMPION
I like all 4 of the women on Raw but can they PLEASE get somebody else.

Sotar
Dec 1, 2009
In another forum, someone called tonight's RAW above average.

DoctorGonzo
Jul 25, 2016

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Blaise330 posted:

I like all 4 of the women on Raw but can they PLEASE get somebody else.

gently caress no, the women division should be on SD!

ribtstu
Feb 11, 2017
raw and smackdown feel like two different companies

edit: *triple h voice* friggin

Jiro
Jan 13, 2004

Sotar posted:

In another forum, someone called tonight's RAW above average.

So that's what it's like to be lobotomized.

Sotar
Dec 1, 2009

Jiro posted:

So that's what it's like to be lobotomized.

I almost wish my standards were that low. Imagine actually getting enjoyment from Wrestlemania 32.

RacistGuidingLight
Apr 5, 2009

by FactsAreUseless

Sotar posted:

I almost wish my standards were that low. Imagine actually getting enjoyment from Wrestlemania 32.

I literally enjoy WWE programming.

Sotar
Dec 1, 2009

RacistGuidingLight posted:

I literally enjoy WWE programming.

I enjoy it more times than I don't, but man, WM32 was just a slog to get through.

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Midnightghoul
Oct 1, 2003

COME ON DON'T BE SCURRED
whys bray smiling?

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