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Zybourne Clock
Oct 25, 2011

Poke me.

Name: Klörf

Skill: Starting fires
HP: 3
Glory: 1->2

Klörf foregoes the use of his legion-issued stick and opt to headbutt the enemy instead. It's not like he has any goods to damage.



Apr 27, 2011

Intelligent and bright, they explored a world that was new and strange to them. They liked it, they thought - a whole world just for them! They were dimly aware that a God had created them, was watching them; they called out to him, thanking him in a chittering language, before running off.

Name: Patsy
Skill: Baking
HP: 3
Glory: 1

Stick Ogres? Well, sticks are basically kindling, and years of firing ovens every single day before dawn has taught Patsy a thing or two about lighting kindling on fire as efficiently as possible... and that crude chestplate should make a decent pan, and of course Patsy would never leave home without a decent starter...

Patsy was pretty sure he could kill an "ogre" and make lunch at the same time

Burning up some stick men: 1d100 + 1 = 91

Feb 25, 2016

Do You Remember Love?

Name: Bamboo
HP: 3
Glory: 1 -> 2
Skill: Basket Weaving

Action: Stick. Ogre. No. Buy. Basket!

Stick. Hit. Stick. Ogre!: 1d100+1 101


Nov 14, 2010


HP: 3
Glory: 1

Armed with her trusty parasol, Tix climbs up a nearby hill and attempts to parachute down on the foe.

Death from Above!: 1d100+11 71

The Lord of Hats
Aug 22, 2010

Skill: Carpentry
HP: 3
Glory: 0->1
Backstory: Noggins was always pretty good at carpentry, but she overpromised by quite a bit on the prototype for the EZ-Build Insta-House Kit. Fortunately, joining the Horde was a great way to escape pending collapsing-house-related lawsuits.

Noggins was late to the new conflict, but dammit she had gone to a lot of effort of building a ladder to get over that gate, she'd be damned if she was going to abandon it for some filthy hole in the ground. When she arrived at the field of battle, she couldn't believe her eyes.

"This craftsmanship is terrible! The dovetailing on those joints are all wrong, and this is the shoddiest timber I've ever seen!"

She pulled out her trusty claw hammer. She'd show them what "catastrophic structural collapse" really looked like.

Aggressive Carpenting!: 1d100+10 108

The Lord of Hats fucked around with this message at Oct 18, 2017 around 04:26

Jun 17, 2007

Yam Slacker


He walked up casually to one of the stick ogres as if he was about to start bluffing it in some fanciful scheme, but it was just a bluff: Instead, he just stabbed it.

Stab the stick ogre: 56.

Jul 10, 2008

HP: 3
Glory: 1
Skill: Chucking poo poo (often literally)

A single eye twitches out of sync with the other one. He starts hyperventilating, his crazy-rear end eyes unfocused but looking directly at the enemy stickdudes. He lets out an shrill scream of "CORNBREAD!" and charges directly at the foe to deliver a drop kick to where the crotch should be.

Scream and charge: 1d100+1 93

Jun 2, 2003

Avatar brought to you by the
TG Sanity fund

Glory: 1

RIK pulls out his axe, hooks up the subwoofer and the amps, and does a TOTALLY SWEET power slide riff, to blow the stick ogres away with his MONSTER JAM.

SWEEEEET LICKS: 1d100+11 89

Infinity Gaia
Feb 27, 2011

a storm is coming...

HP: 3
Glory: 1 -> 2

Biggo's hands hurt after punching the gate, so he mostly took to kicking the stick ogres down. He had never actually picked up his own regulation stick, thinking weapons of war of such great power and entirely inhumane. Or maybe he just didn't notice.

Kicking! 1d100+1 = 59

Feb 13, 2012

Grimey Drawer

HP 3

Glory 1

For once in his life, Valthax felt slightly full, and so he charged into the mass of enemies, letting his past meal give him strength.

And strength it did give him, as he stomped and shoved his way through the foes before him!

1d100+1=98 to crush the enemies before him.

Jan 12, 2011

I see a ship in the harbor
I can and shall obey
But if it wasn't for your misfortune
I'd be a heavenly person today

Name: Gopher
HP: 3
Glory: 1
Gopher does his best to copy the stick-work of the guy nearest him. Fortunately, that guy knew what he was doing.
Attack: 1d100+1 = 79

Jan 23, 2007

Money And Power Through Homicide!

" I ain't dead yet" attacking the scarecrow


The Lone Badger
Sep 24, 2007

Name: Gorb
Portrait: D1
Skill: Scroungin'
HP: 3
Glory: 0

Action: Gorb didn't really pay much attention to what Grimper had been saying, but these ogres were held up by sticks. There's a lot of folks in the horde that could use a good stick, and he's just the person to provide them! Acquire the ogre's backbones.
Roll: 20+10 = 30

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.

Name: Gigs
Skill: Unflappability
HP: 3
Glory: 1

These strawmen seem of unusually poor quality. Gigs tosses his stick halfheartedly at the nearest one (1d100+1=27). The projectile slides into the dummy with a muffled ~shck~ and remains there.


Aug 31, 2005
Idiot savant or just plain idiot? You decide.

Face G6

Name: Neebs
Skill: Sales
HP: 3
Glory: 0 -> 1

Neebs was a door to door broom saleswoman in greater Tö before the war, but answered the country's call of duty when news of the Queen's death arrived.

Whack Scarecrows with a Broom: 1d100 61

Dog Kisser
Mar 30, 2005

But People have fears that beasts do not. Questions, too.

The Unexpectables poured into the prepared field of stick figures, laying into them with everything they had. They swatted at the defenseless creatures with sticks of their own, parting rotten gourd heards from flimsy bodies. They crushed them, they burned them, they yelled at them and shook them so hard that they simply shook apart. Was there no limit to their unbridled cruelty? Soon, the vast field of soldiers was blasted into so many toothpicks, and still the Unexpectable Horde smashed them, screaming their rage (and in many cases, confusion) into the heavens.
    100d100 = 5641 vs 50d100 = 2744
    Glorious Victory! - Win by 1000
    Overwhelming Power! - Win An Advantageous Conflict
Grimper watched them, face grim and almost bored. Actually bored, really. Until, suddenly, something interesting happened. While he was distracted with the melee, one lone figure had approached from behind. Snödis the Disapproving Poet, her four eyes narrowed against the dusky light, reached out for the sword held like a dagger in his grip… and felt something in her wrist snap under a sudden pressure.

    1d100 = 27 vs 1d5000+1 = 4589
    Major Rout! - Lose by 1000
    How Dare You! - Lose A Combat Against Grimper!
“You colossal loving moron! You unbelievable whelp of a sick dog! Is your Monsterism scrambling your brain? If you’re going to steal something, do it properly or don’t d͡o͘ I̶͜T͡ Ả̷̈́̐̄ͤ͆͘͟T̛̈̿͊͆ͭ̓ͣ̒͡͞ À͉͍̖̬̦̱̤͙͟͠L̜̝͢͡L̵̮̹̝̝͖͓̜̻̻̕!”

He lifted her off the ground by her wounded arm, then threw her bodily into a ditch, where she writhed in brackish water. The Warlord did not care for weakness, or failure. Stealing from him wasn’t against the rules - but failing was. She dragged in ragged breaths, coughing out blood and muck… but she was alive. Alive because the Warlord didn’t want her dead. He needed all the soldiers he could scrounge up, after all.

(Snödis Takes 2 Damage!)

Shortly after, the Warlord strode the field, examining the utter pulp that remained of his army of stick beasts. He nodded, unsmiling, over the remains. “Acceptable. You lot in particular have a glimmer of natural talent. The rest of you should follow their example - especially… you. Noggins. True to my word, I've got a sword for you. Here. Do it more honor than the Fröman scum I took it off of.”

“On the other hand… there's you.” Without warning, Grimper flashed across the intervening distance between him and Gado the Digger and delivered a blow to their midsection that lifted them clear off the ground. They fell in a groaning, broken heap at his feet, and he frowned down at them. “That’s what you’d get on the battlefield if you pulled that sort of nonsense - only the scum of Frö won’t treat you so kindly.”

He paused, sniffing the wind blowing from the east. “...Alright. Clean this mess up and get some downtime. There’s a supply caravan passing near us tomorrow afternoon, and you lot are going to take it out. Get to work, then get to sleep.” He turned and swept towards his opulent tent, leaving the rest of you to grumble your way towards your own more meagre accomodations. Still, it was nice to get some down time before the real fighting started.

(Gado takes 1 Damage. Noggins, Bamboo, Dofro, Dummy, Valthax, and Pythag (and four Mooks) gain +1 extra Glory.)
In between fights, and particularly after victories, the Horde will take downtime. During this period, Glory can be exchanged, healing and repairs can be performed, and punishments carried out. Currently you don’t have anywhere to spend Glory - that’ll come later. You can also just hang out and get some rest - random lore posts by soldiers during Downtime accrue Glory, though only once per period. Don’t worry if you haven’t got a handle on your character or the lore just yet, we’ll build it up as time goes on.

Cooking, Healing or Entertainment Skills can be used to restore HP. Healing is a Conflict between the healers and the wounded - their combined roll is rolled against d100 rolls representing the wounded. Success heals each wounded by 1 HP - and each 100 over heals an additional HP. Healing can only be performed in downtime while making camp. In situations in which SOME healing is possible, you’ll be provided a Closed Conflict - only enough time or resources to partially fix the wounded! Today, there’s only one wounded person, and you have plenty of time, so you’re not limited - if you have a relevant healing Skill, roll it. The wounded never needs to roll themselves (I’ll do that).


After a fitful night's sleep, you awoke tired and aching for a fight. You also found yourselves particularly hungry…

When given the opportunity to cook, soldiers with Cooking or Foraging-type skills can try their hand at preparing food for the Horde. To do so, the soldiers may choose to roll against any d100 amount of stored Rations in an attempt to prepare them. On a success, each Ration can be traded for one of these effects at the cook’s will.
  • Ration is not consumed
  • Lowest roll rerolls
  • Highest roll rerolls and adds half
Each effect occurs once per Ration consumed, though they can be mixed and matched. This is not required - without a Cook, each meal will consume one Ration. You currently have 7 Rations.


Once your meal was done, Warlord Grimper got to business. “The supply caravan is heading to our target, the Gateway Fortress. Presumably it's carrying armaments and provisions, and presumably it doesn't know we're here. Otherwise IT wouldn't be here. They'll have escorts to the rear and fore of the wagons, and naturally when we hit this thing we don't want them to bring news of this to their superiors. They'll be here by this afternoon, so we have some time to prepare. The real question is how we're going to tackle this… so, impress me. What would you rabble suggest?”

Alright, we're getting to the meat of the game. Unlike Horde Votes, Strategic Votes allow each individual to decide what they want to do. Clearly the Töan army is very trusting of its soldiers initiative! At any rate, Strategic Votes will present you with a list of options that you can pile onto, but you can also suggest your own. The Warlord will give you an assessment of your plan of action, then add it to the list.

To be clear, you're not picking between the choices - you're dividing the Horde to address multiple issues. Vote for what you want your soldier to do, but try to sway people with arguments so they'll pile in with you; there may be Glory in it for you. Here’s a few possible options.

  • Scope It Out - [Difficulty 5]
    “The caravan is coming down the road, but we don’t know nearly enough about what to expect from it. A couple of you guys ought to go out and check it out.”
  • Intercept Them - [Difficulty 10]
    “A group of you could intercept them. Slow them down, ask them a few questions. Pretend as though you don’t hate their guts if you need to.”
  • Dig Some Pits - Difficulty 30
    “Dig some holes. You can do that, right? It’ll stop them in their tracks, and the more holes you dig the worse it’ll be for them.”
  • Poison Their Horses - [Difficulty 1] Deadly
    “This is a dangerous mission, I’m not going to lie. If any among you think yourself capable, taking out their beasts of burden when they rest would effectively ruin their caravan.”
  • Just Charge At Them - Difficulty 70 Threat 10
    “They’ll be armed, but we still outnumber them. If we just swarm them, we can take their stuff.”
  • Something Else
    “Well? What else you got!?”

Dog Kisser fucked around with this message at Oct 2, 2017 around 16:18

The Lord of Hats
Aug 22, 2010

Skill: Carpentry
HP: 3
Glory: 2

"Awwwww yiss... sir. Yessir. Thank you sir." said Noggins as she received her kickin' rad reward, promptly getting a safe distance away from Grimper before engaging in the shimmies of the traditional "Hell Yeah I Just Got A Motherfuckin' SWORD" dance.That business completed, she examined her new possession more closely, testing it's edge. It was nice and sharp, but the smoothness of the edge confused her somewhat. How were you supposed to get a proper rend going if your blade didn't have any serration? Well, Grimper knew a lot more about war and swords than she did, and if he said this would do the job, clearly it would.

Remember some previous curiosity, she wandered over to Stårn and his Precious Weapon.

"How is that thing even holding together when the nails are only halfway in?"

The Lord of Hats fucked around with this message at Sep 28, 2017 around 02:31

Feb 25, 2016

Do You Remember Love?

Name: Bamboo
HP: 3
Glory: 2 + 1 (extra glory) -> 3 + 1 (Action Glory Accumulation)
Skill: Basket Weaving


Bamboo quietly walked away from the rest of the horde and found a secluded spot by the ruins of the castle wall. There, she sifted through the rubble and fashioned herself a crude bench to lay on.

“What. A. Day!”, she muttered to herself. Who were these criminals and thugs she was now stuck with? And stealing, from the General? How was she to survive this war, if she was to rely on these lunatics?!!

Regardless, it was time to get some rest. More fighting was to come, a caravan to attack, loot to plunder, baskets to reclaim, and sell.

“For. My. Family.”


Sometime later, after the horde has settled down, Bamboo went to the General’s tent, and found him hunched over a large table, looking at all sorts of ‘General’s Things’.

There was only one course of action. To attack without knowing whether or not they had baskets was foolhardy.

“General. Grimper. Sir! Volunteer. Scope. Caravan! Might. Have. Baskets!”

Strategic Vote: Scope it Out

***** Edit to Include Roll *****

Action: Scope. It. Out!: 1d100+3 96 [1d100=93]

CourValant fucked around with this message at Sep 23, 2017 around 18:16

Apr 27, 2011

Intelligent and bright, they explored a world that was new and strange to them. They liked it, they thought - a whole world just for them! They were dimly aware that a God had created them, was watching them; they called out to him, thanking him in a chittering language, before running off.

(did burning a stick man to death not count as destroying it for glory? picky picky leader)

Name: Patsy
Skill: Baking
HP: 3
Glory: 2

Disappointed his Ogre-bread surprise didn't impress his General (or even come out palatable... turns out cooking over sticks with a fake metal breastplate is harder than he thought. Patsy had heard of travel bread that doubled as a combat weapon...), Patsy considered trying to help the poor unfortunates injured by Grimper but... that's how he got here, by helping people he felt sorry for. Patsy decided to just feel sorry for himself and go to bed. (I'm assuming I can't heal and cook. If I can do both, I'll edit a roll in here)

Waking, Patsy discovered that he was, in fact, part of a horde and he did have a loaf of war bread being used as a pillow. He was hoping to wake up in his bed next to the oven, warm from banking. Instead, he was cold, muddy, and pretty sure the bread was partially fused with his head from night sweat. He missed his cart (who can afford a store in this economy), he missed his customers, he missed his.... time to end that line of thought before he just killed himself here and now.

Upon dragging himself upright and looking around though, Patsy finally saw something he could help with... a sea of hungry faces.

Making breakfast (to prevent ration consumption): 1d100+12: 47 (I forgot to add my +10 skill bonus to orokos, hence the discrepancy)

(Strategy post will follow, this feels like a good break point plus I want to see what other people are thinking)

Mithross fucked around with this message at Sep 23, 2017 around 06:04

Task Manager
Sep 5, 2008

A weird time in which we are alive. We can travel anywhere we want, even to other planets. And for what? To sit day after day, declining in morale and hope.

Name: Gabber
Skill: Mimicry
HP: 3
Glory: 2

Having wailed on his stick ogre until his own twig snapped in two, Gabber paused to catch his breath and survey the damage he'd done. To be honest he really hadn't done much at all to his foe; the ogre somehow actually looked more fearsome now then previously, what with all the new intimidating scars covering it's still intact frame. However, as fear of his failure being discovered grew, Gabber watched as Snoggins and Gado drew the Warlord's mighty wrath. Humming to himself, Gabber slowly backed into his ogre, giving it a swift kick which knocked it to the ground. Sweet relief - he wasn't the worst!


With the battlefield cleaned up and with the stars high in the sky, Gabber dragged himself towards his tattered and torn bedroll, flopping face first into it's itchy and filthy embrace. Far too exhausted for smalltalk, he quickly drifted off to sleep, visions of Tö soldiers marching to victory...


Having finished up his meal and Warlord Grimper opening the floor to suggestions, Gabber quickly jumped to his feet waving his hand in the air. When it was his turn, he slammed his palms into the remains of his breakfast, smearing the reddish brown goop quickly over his face. Bringing his finger to his sewn lips to indicate quiet, he began exaggeratedly tiptoeing in place, slowly transitioning it into the unmistakeable march of those Fröan scum - back hunched, eyes crossed, Gabber began marching along while occasionally scanning the mess for invisible foes. After a few seconds of this, his hand darted behind his back, quickly yanking his breakfast spork off the table and furiously stabbing it all directions around him.

As he finishes the somewhat awkward motions, he stands back at attention, giving off a quick salute to the warlord, flinging breakfast paste on the nearest diners in the process.

{Suggestion to the Warlord: disguise ourselves as the enemy, and stealthy join their formation, surprise attacking them when the time is right.}

Edit: Disguise/Infiltrate/Surprise Attack Suggestion: 1d100+2 5565

Edit edit: Per your clarification on skills being reuasble before combat, add my skill use to give me a total of 65!

Task Manager fucked around with this message at Sep 23, 2017 around 13:45

Nov 4, 2009

Name: Agile
HP: 3
Glory: 2
Skill: Acrobatics

Agile tries to make the most of her moment of respite, giving her muscles a proper stretching and cool down before finally lying down. Maybe this soldier thing wouldn't be so bad after all. True, it wasn't as fun as the circus, but it certainly seemed just as dangerous and entertaining. She wasn't...the best at this soldiering thing, true, but just like her acrobatics it just needed practice--and there would be plenty of practice to be had, of that she could be sure.

The next day, she was proven right, only this time there was the opportunity to try and develop skills other than just muscling through a problem. Agile proposed to Scope it Out. If they knew a bit more about what they were facing, they could come up with a better plan of attack.

Scope it Out: 1d100+2 4

....or maybe Agile wasn't getting the hang of this after all.

Rosemont fucked around with this message at Sep 23, 2017 around 16:32

Mar 3, 2011

Spider-Man's Amazing Construction Company

Name: Shiny
HP: 3
Glory: 2
Skill: Stealin' Stuff

Oh man.

Oh man Shiny wants that sword. But it's not like she has anywhere to put it - it's not like she has a private tent. And... besides, swords are sharp, and the person who owns it usually is the only one who gets to hold on to the not-cutty part, so nicking it might be kind of tricky.

Plus she might actually, like, need Noggins to save her life or catch an arrow or something for her, and so she probably shouldn't get on the bad side of Officially The Most Capable Warrior In The Regiment.

So stealing the sword is out of the question (for now). So maybe Shiny will stick with stealing, like, things that won't be missed. Things like rocks. There are rocks around that she can steal, right? There are always rocks. She'll collect some rocks. Neat thing about rocks - get a couple of 'em into a pouch and they weigh about the same as a coin pouch so if you're good enough you can nick someone's coin purse and replace it with a rock purse and they might not notice. Yeah, this is a good plan. If there was anyone around who had, like, coins, it might even be a productive one. But there isn't, so she's just sidling around the encampment sneakily picking up rocks. So that's a thing.

"Sneaking around and scoping things out sounds useful. We should know ahead of time where the best loot is! I mean, where the guards are! Both of those things! Definitely both of those things, with an emphasis on the second, definitely not the first. Absolutely. I'd go scope it out."

Scout: 1d100+2 94

EDIT: added dice roll

DivineCoffeeBinge fucked around with this message at Sep 23, 2017 around 15:18

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

Lipstick Apathy

Name: Portha
Skill: Rummaging
HP: 3
Glory: 2

Having narrowly avoided a beating for her haphazard assault in training, Portha decided she'd be better off hanging back and making sure everything went smoothly. Had the war never happened, she'd planned on swiping half-eaten meals while cleaning the queen's bedroom and helping herself to leftovers from banquets, but now that she was here, maybe she could do it on a larger scale. The table scraps from breakfast plus any wilted vegetables lying forgotten behind the supply crates and they'd have a stew like grandpa Porth used to make (Grandpeps' food was pretty bad but it always kept the family from going hungry at the end of the month).

Help the kitchen staff extend the food supply 1d100+12=38


After she finished getting the questionably edible meal ready to make she wandered over to where the digging crew was forming and offered to help with their pit traps.

More digging! 1d100+2=6


super sweet best pal fucked around with this message at Sep 24, 2017 around 05:03

Cloud Potato
Jan 8, 2011

"I'm... happy!"

Name: Hat
Picture: F7
Skill: Millinery
HP: 3/3
Glory: 2!

Relieved that her terrible stick-fighting skills had somehow avoided censure, Hat found a quiet corner and pulled her hat's brim over her eyes to help her sleep. The next day, she listened to Warlord Grimper's suggestions (or were they orders?). Hat voted for Scoping them out, but on hearing Gabber's plan of disguise, she said "Maybe the soldiers going out to scope the caravan could be disguised as Frö soldiers. I could try and whip up some convincing enemy helmets, to aid the disguise; at the very least, they'll have their heads protected."

Making convincing enemy helmets: 1d100+10+2 98

Zybourne Clock
Oct 25, 2011

Poke me.

Name: Klörf

Skill: Starting fires
HP: 3
Glory: 2->3

Klörf listens in on his fellow soldiers proposing elaborate strategies on how to halt the caravan. He simply smiles and nods after every suggestion. When you have a brain the size of a rotting onion, even the dumbest idea sounds like the grandest strategy devised by a master tactician. After everyone has had their say, their eyes all fall on Klörf, who is casually picking his nose. It takes a while for a him to realize that they expect him to speak. When the quarter finally drops after an uncomfortably long silence, he stands up, smears the booger from his finger onto his pants, and begins to talk in an uncomfortably loud voice.

"Uh... When Klörf was kid, he used to burn family's hen house for fun. Was great fun to watch chickens run around in panic. And cooked chicken tasty! My idea... Well, beasts of burden are like chicken. Except huge, and pull carts! Spook beasts with fire, they panic? And possibly hurt soldiers in cart? Is like plan poison, but more fun because fire?"

Jun 17, 2007

Yam Slacker


Downtime: Splut was not an unkind Töan, or at the very least was exceptional at faking it, so he went to go tell the wounded that they were okay. "You'll be fiiiiine! It's just a flesh wound, it'll buff out in no time!"

Bluff the injured into thinking they're healthy again: 1d100+12=100.


Looking at the fellow Unexpectables, Splut pondered,

"You know, I reckon that maybe we could convince them to send the supplies somewhere else, like right to us. Make 'em believe we're messengers from top brass, with orders to redirect right to us. Course, we'd need to Intercept 'em first, but then? Then, we could make 'em dance like puppets with a few well chosen words..."


AJ_Impy fucked around with this message at Sep 23, 2017 around 16:38

Jan 15, 2012

I Got Kids. I need this.

Portrait A8
HP: 3
Glory: 1
Skill: Bandaging/Medicine

"Splut, shut up. Talking ain't gonna make the pain go away. And Snodis, you're lucky he needs all of us, or you'd be dead right now. Same goes for you, Digger.'
Medicing up the wounded.
Die Roll: 1d100+11 82

Swedish Thaumocracy
Jul 11, 2006

Strength of >800 Men
Honor of 0

Grimey Drawer

HP: 1
Glory: 2

General Grimper posted:

How Dare You! - Lose A Combat Against Grimper!
“You colossal... unbelievable.. dog! ... your .. going to steal something..."

The ringing in her ears would never cease, and her right arm was about as useful to her as a tentscratcher in the city of bricks.
It was a lousy metaphor and she knew it, but in her defense she lay broken and bloodied in a ditch and was lucky to even be alive.

But what confused her most, beyond even her injuries, was the Generals garbled prophecy.
She knew more so than other Töians the power of words and so took them to heart, resolving to keep them in mind in case they in the future would prove enlightening.

But she digressed. They had won, and with only one casualty besides herself. With much hardship, she crawled into camp and towards the field hospital, where the unfortunate Gado should have been carried by the more patriotic members of the horde.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Is all I'd say,
If you swung wild
and missed your prey.

Yet you did worse,
now your own blood sprays!
Are you thirsting now,
for healing pray?

Well, too bad! Tough!
I'm injured too!
Why waste my talents,
on some lowlife rube!?


Oh quit your whining,
fine I must relent!
Just rest your wearies
in the healers tent.


(Disapproving Poetry to Entertain the wounded)
Dressing Down: 1d100+12 = 17


In hindsight, insulting the wounded probably didn't help.


"Urgh.. Now my brain might be half scrambled by ol' curbstomp over there, but I reckon the enemy will never expect us ALL to infiltrate them, only to ambush them from within their own ranks when the opportune moment strikes!"


Infiltration: 1d100+2 = 26

When the time came, Snödis, still covered in blood, presented her entirely undisguised self to the infiltration team.

Swedish Thaumocracy fucked around with this message at Sep 23, 2017 around 13:44

Successful Businessmanga
Mar 28, 2010

Skill: Digging [Unavailable next turn]
HP: 3
Glory: 2 -> 3
Horde's Glory/HP Count

Gado gives a thankful nod to his fellow soldiers offering aid "That could have gone better, yeah." Rubbing at his now slightly dented chest wasn't exactly helping things, so someone with actual "medical training" is an amazing turn of events for the digger.

Snödis on the other hand gets a disdainful glare, but at least the distraction of being annoyed is enough to occupy his mind over obsessing about his bruised chest.

Downtime: Foraging Digging for tubers to supplement our ration supply.

Once he's cleared by the healers, Gado meanders out into the camp to observe what everyone is getting up to. It takes a while for him to figure out where he can help of course, the camp is already cleaned and set up for the most part by the time he's active, but he is able to help the cooks out to some degree.

It isn't wise to wander too far away from camp, but Gado knows there's food to be found in some extremely odd places. It takes a while, and he doesn't turn up as much as he'd have liked, but eventually Gado wanders back into camp with a few armfuls of mismatched tubers and other root vegetables to be tossed in the stew pots.

When Gado eventually joins a conversation as to what the horde's next move should be, it's hard for anyone to be surprised when he raises his dirt stained grabbers and shrugs "If there's holes to be dug, we should Dig Some Pits. You can never go wrong with a good spiked pit!"

Successful Businessmanga fucked around with this message at Sep 23, 2017 around 16:43

Oct 10, 2012

I think Charlotte might be...A MAVERICK!

Skill: Oratory
Glory: 2

Bully proceeds to give a long-winded speech to the wounded (and anyone else who will listen) about the glory and honour of fulfilling their duty, or at least making your best attempt. It's not really clear if it's all that helpful.

Undertaking linguistic motivation, with the classic 'Töan in the Arena' speech 1d100+12 = 99

He also tries to cajole his comrades into Intercepting the enemy to devise knowledge of their movements. He's sure he can convince any prisoners of the rightness of the Töan cause. A couple members of the horde wonder if the prisoners will cooperate just to get him to shut up.

Using powerful verbosity to assist in the inteception or our foes and in particular gathering of useful military intelligence from thereof. 1d100+12 = 64

Edit: have now updated with my action this turn.

Yvonmukluk fucked around with this message at Sep 24, 2017 around 19:19

Green Intern
Dec 29, 2008

Secret Art: Toxic Crotch Whirlwind!

Name: Ringo!
HP: 3
Glory: 2
Skill: Lockpicking

Ringo looks around at his cohorts. Talented individuals, all of them! "Man, the army is even better than I thought it'd be. What a heckin great bunch of goofs you all are! Anyway, I'll be off poisoning the enemy's horses if anyone needs me."

Edit: Poison some equines: 1d100+2 21

Yeah boyyyyy

Green Intern fucked around with this message at Sep 23, 2017 around 14:39

Apr 28, 2017

Name: Hob
HP: 3
Glory: 2 ≥ 3
Skill: bee keeping

Stick golems vanquished, Hob got to exploring the castle. The upper areas would be sure to have at least one.... Ah, there it is. Listening to the wall, a faint buzzing could be heard. Yes! Another example of  Tö ingenuity! A hive! It should be childs play to get access to all that honey. Tasty with that bread he could smell cooking.

gather that honey: 1d100+12 31 for foods

The stone doesn't seem to be moving... It was very hard to get into this hive.

Crestfallen, Hob returned to the main hall. Strategy? Hob was instantly taken back to the glorious stories of Tö heroes.

"We shall slay the foul horse beasts!" He proclaimed, "oh wait, never mind".

Gabber's idea sounded best.

Gabber's Disguise/Infiltrate/Surprise Attack Suggestion: 1d100+2 16

WereGoat fucked around with this message at Sep 23, 2017 around 17:26

Apr 26, 2014

Death, but with a gun

Skill: 'Splosions
HP: 3
Glory: 2

Yeeeeeah Glory. Glory feels good. It also feels good not getting the crap beaten out of Spleen by a man more than twice his size.


"Spleen thinks, we go and Dig holes and then we, put bombs in the holes and we make the entire caravan go BOOM!"

"Great idea Spleen thinks this is the thing that should be done exactly like this yes."

TheNabster fucked around with this message at Sep 23, 2017 around 10:48

Aug 31, 2005
Idiot savant or just plain idiot? You decide.

Name: Neebs
Skill: Sales (used this turn)
HP: 3
Glory: 1 -> 2

Neebs decided that this place looked a mess, and started sweeping up the ravaged stick-ogres. The choicest pieces of straw even looked like they could be used to make some brooms! As one of the broom saleswomen trainers had said once said, there was never a wrong time to collect new broom materials.

As for the plan, Neebs definitely decided that this supply caravan would be interested in purchasing a broom or two...or as many as could be scrounged up out of the remains of the straw ogres. War-time, peace-time, everyone could use a broom.

Neebs asked around the Horde to see if anyone would help her make some brooms out of the defeated straw ogres so that they could then be sold to the supply caravan in order to buy some time for a more proper plan of attack to be formed.
Strategic Vote: Intercept Them - [Difficulty 10] Try to sell the supply caravans some brooms to buy time.

Edit: Strategic vote roll [Interception] Sell some brooms!: 1d100+11 39

Half-wit fucked around with this message at Sep 23, 2017 around 15:52

Nov 6, 2011

...they shall march out of my laboratory and sweep away every adversary, every creed, every nation, until the very planet is in the loving grip of the Pax Bisonica. And then peace will reign, and the world, and all humanity, shall bow to me in humble gratitude...

Name: Stårn
HP: 3
Glory: 2 -> 3

Stårn replaced frayed ropes, oiled the hinges, and buffed out all blemish, putting in an almost adorable amount of effort to care for his amazing and unique and not at all flimsy and ramshackle catapult. Sure, it might not look like much now, and sure, the Warlord might always be making fun of it saying how its very presence in the horde made them lose legitimacy, but Stårn didn't care. He'd keep working, keep improving. And one day, he'd have the greatest catapult, and the BIGGEST rocks to throw with it. And then even the Warlord would be impressed!

+1 Glory for epic story of Stårn's touching quest for personal growth

While he was working, Stårn lent half an ear to his fellow goblins discussing strategy.

"Know what I think?", he opined at a lull in the conversation, "I think we should throw ROCKS at them with my catapult. Maybe even other things? You can throw many things with a catapults, like hordemates, or soup.[/b]

Stårn scratched his chin. Maybe shooting rocks at an enemy whose position you didn't know was not very feasible? And whilst Stårn was VERY SKILLED, hitting moving targets could be difficult. But if the enemy was stopped at a bunch of pit traps, they were sitting ducks! Yes, Stårn would help Dig Some Pits [Difficulty 30] to prep for his devastating ambush later on!

Feb 21, 2013

Name: Sucy
HP: 3
Glory: 2
Skill: Mushrooms

Having successfully turned the strawman into her new (portable!) mushroom colony, Sucy took a look at the meagre rations provided to them and decided that everything could be made better by adding more mushrooms of dubious local organic origin.
To that aim she stumbled off into the surrounding woodlands to forage.
1d100+12: 50

Returning several hours later, Sucy realized to be horror that she was late to the warlord's strategy session. Hoping to avoid a dressing down she decided to claim that her trip was in no way, shape or form her being tardy, no sirree, but was in fact the start of her scouting out the area ahead of the caravan to find an ambush site.
1d100+2: 46

Dog Kisser: Can you use your skill's +10 bonus for cooking or healing even if you used it in the previous contest or is it still on cooldown?

sheep-dodger fucked around with this message at Sep 23, 2017 around 17:17

HiHo ChiRho
Oct 23, 2010

Then you remember. You have a message to send.

Something everyone must know.

You have the power. You have the means.

Let it be known.


Name: Mason
Skill: Mason Hootin' an' Hollerin'
HP: Mason Mason Mason
Glory: Masonx2

Strategic Vote: Intercept Them - [Difficulty 10] "Mai mudder ussed te sey, 'Mason, de wey ye holler' meks mai brain spen in me noggin'. Lemme git att dem folkz an' mai gulden tung ough't te be ebble an distract 'em, all-dough de moor we kun half dere de eezier 'twould bee fer me."

Strateejuc Voat #1: 1d100+2 46

HiHo ChiRho fucked around with this message at Sep 23, 2017 around 13:58

Apr 12, 2006

Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn't stop to think if they should!


Skill: Romance
HP: 3
Glory: 3

Bother burgling and everything to do with it! I wish I was at home in my nice hole by the fire, with the kettle just beginning to sing!

Dofro felt awful about Snodris. He went and said so.

"I feel awful you got punched in the stomach," he said to her. "I, too was punched. Punched in the heart."

He pulled out pieces of sticks from his pockets and let them fall to the dirt. He had seduced his ogre into pieces. But he hadn't known that the ogre would seduce him right back. The world was a little darker now.

"I was thinking about going and poisoning some horses to make myself feel better. Wanna come with?"

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.

Name: Gigs
Skill: Unflappability
HP: 3
Glory: 2
Inventory: 1 stick spear, 7 rations (?)

Downtime: Practice Swings

Fishing his spear from the strawman's entrails, Gigs weighs the weapon in his hands, getting a feel for the heft of the stick. He takes a couple swings in the miniature golf course of his mind (1d100+2 = 13). He sinks a few.


It's not much, not that he expected much, but he feels a little more familiar with his instrument of death.

Strategy: Intercept Them

Dog Kisser posted:

“A group of you could intercept them. Slow them down, ask them a few questions. Pretend as though you don’t hate their guts if you need to.”
Feigned indifference? Eh, sure. Gigs shoulders his spear and stands with the other volunteers. A motley crew by his own estimation. Well, whatever.

EDIT: Awaiting the opportune moment, just before the caravan rounds the bend, Gigs steps out into the road and hails the driver, asking for directions from Here to There (1d100+12 = 95). The driver does his best to try and trace out the route for him, but Gigs' stony gaze betrays no comprehension. Increasingly frustrated, the driver attempts to explain it again. And again. And again.

Bad Seafood fucked around with this message at Sep 23, 2017 around 13:54


Infinity Gaia
Feb 27, 2011

a storm is coming...

HP: 3

Biggo considers all the options with the trained mind of an expert tactician. Graphs and numbers swirl around his mind as he considers the pros and cons of each option, carefully weighing risk and reward. Then he simply says "Biggo wants punching."

But then he realized he only had two fists. Powerful though they were, he was limited to only punching, at best, 2 people at once, and the rest of the horde seemed pretty driven to non-direct forms of conflict. So his official vote was cast for Intercepting the enemies, though he hoped they'd be able to intercept them with fists, rather than words.

Edit: Interception roll = 37

Infinity Gaia fucked around with this message at Sep 23, 2017 around 15:00

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