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Look, we've all been there. Just chilling, doing our own thing, maybe even listening to some music or walking the dog when BAM! All those spiders in your mouth fall out and all over the place. No one likes to talk about it, but it happens to everyone. What's the most embarrassing time you ever coughed out a mouthful of live spiders in public? I'll start. I was going on a date with this girl. We'll call her Jo. Jo was pretty chill. We both liked how much the other hated popular things, and we both enjoyed ketchup in our mac and cheese. Honestly, dream girl material. It was my third date with her. We had kissed on the first date, made out furiously on the second and young college-age UWBW was pretty excited for the natural escalation things seemed to be taking. After a unforgettable luncheon of steamed salisbury steaks, she pressed me against a wall and... Spiders. Spiders out my mouth all over her. Hundreds of little black spiders pouring out of my mouth all over her face. Even worse - garlic breath on top of all that. Let me tell ya fellas, I was real embarrassed. She politely excused herself and left. Honestly, I can't blame her even to this day. When someone spidermouths you on your third date, I mean, well, you done hosed up. I never even tried to call her again. It took me like 2 hours to clean up all those little scurrying spiders and get them back in place. Can anyone relate? |
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Feb 23, 2018 16:21
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 21:11 |
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I came home from a night of heavy drinking at the age of 17 and my mother said "I can smell booze on your breath!" I knew she couldn't actually smell the booze, that's what a mouthful of spiders is there for, am I right? So she insisted that I had been drinking, maybe it was the way I stood there swaying like one of those windsock people you see, maybe it was the lack of coherent sentences, I don't know- but it was what she said next that cooked this kid's goose. After her third insistence that I was blitzed like a sacked quarterback, she yelled out those words that would doom me forever: "LIAR LIAR MOUTH FULL OF SPIDERS!" The spiders of course took that as a cue to show themselves, rushing forth from my mouth all over my mother's just-mopped clean floor. The look of horror on her face when she looked down was forever etched in my memory... I had forgotten to take off my muddy shoes https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Feb 23, 2018 16:34
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My big day, it was the biggest day of my life. It was the summit of my long career, But I felt so down, and I drank too much beer, The management said that I shouldn't appear. I walked out onto the stage and started to speak. The first night I've missed for a couple of years, I explained to the crowd and they started to jeer, And just when I wanted no one to be there, Mouthful of spiders came out Not spiders, but spider eggs too. Mouth spiders everywhere, in threes and pairs, Crawl where they may, other folks mouths is not fair Those who did came not back anyway. Mouth spiders everywhere, and people stared |
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Feb 23, 2018 17:26
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| i was at the big meeting and i spoke up to make a point about synergies and a river of spiders flowed from my mouth. boy was there egg on my face (and spiders) | |
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Feb 23, 2018 18:53
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my spiders enjoy a good movie every now and then, but as we all know buying movie tickets for a big mass of spiders is soooooo expensive, which is why we usually settle for netflix. well what can I say we were all really pumped to see the new hunger games movie and decided we just couldn't wait for pay per view. so you know I did what one does, scooped em up and popped em into my mouth before entering the theater. it was a pretty long line at the ticket windows but I thought to myself it was all frosty, I had this in the bag, until . . . a tickle started in the back of my throat! oh god, WHY? actually my theory is that it was caused by the fuzzy little critters scampering around on my uvula, but that's neither here nor there. so there I was, stepping up to the ticket window, mouth full of spiders, inevitable cough building in my throat. I thought about bailing but I realized it was now or never, it would look too suspicious if I left and came back later. "what show sir?" I jabbed my finger at the nearby poster featuring the incomparable katniss everdeen. the ticket seller looked a little taken aback but she got what I meant. "how many?" I held up a single digit. at this point she took a closer look at me. and I guess I was probably a sight to see, my face was turning red from the effort of not coughing, my throat was spasming, and I would venture to say my bulging cheeks were moving a little bit from the squirming mass of arachnids. "are you all right sir?" I nodded furiously, but I the added motion of my head didn't help my case and it sure didn't help with my throat tickle! it was around this time when the sweet little old lady behind me in line became really concerned. "are you okay young man? can you breathe?" I started to give her a thumbs up but at that precise microsecond it became utterly impossible to hold in the galactic-sized cough that was wracking my throat. so with a hacking sound that must have been audible from a block away, the sweet little old lady became covered and I mean covered with panicked spiders. couldn't have hit her face more squarely if I was aiming. I was thinking to myself "oh god, this is it, this sweet little old lady is going to die of a heart attack, I'm a murderer!" but the weirdest thing happened. instead of being horrified or disgusted, the little old lady took it all in stride! she didn't scream or anything, just let out a little chuckle as she drew a handkerchief out of her purse and gently wiped my lil buddies from her hair lips nostrils eyelids and whatnot. naturally security had arrived by this point. I had time for only a rushed "sorry" as I was being dragged away, but I'll be darned if the old lady didn't just give me a smile and a wink! and then as she was putting her handkerchief away I saw it and understood. I caught only the teeniest glimpse, but her purse was clearly stuffed to the brim with spiders--HER spiders!
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Feb 23, 2018 20:56
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What a twist!
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Feb 23, 2018 22:13
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I’ve been working as an exterminator for several months now. I love the job, especially because it fills the void. you see, I’m addicted to eating spiders. it makes me feel alive to feel the tiny legs crawling around in my mouth and down my throat. being an exterminator, it’s easy to get my spider fix. I was on one job, a spider infestation. oh boy! when I got to the home a very attractive lady answered the door. I’m talking model hot. she took me down to the basement while making small talk. “here it is” she said, pointing to a corner. at first I didn’t see anything. but when I bent down to inspect closer I saw them crawling all over. there must have been thousands of spiders. I found the mother load! “I’ll have this taken care of in no time ma’am. you just go relax”. the attractive lady gave me a smile and a thank you and headed up the stairs. once I could no longer hear her footsteps on the stairs I just went for it. I began scooping up handfuls of spiders and shoving them into my mouth as fast as I could. I was so focused on getting every last spider that I didn’t hear the young woman behind me. “cup of tea?” I spun around fast. the spiders still filling my mouth, their legs squirming and tickling. i nodded and she handed me a mug. “how long have you been an exterminator?” I had to speak, I had no choice. I started to try to swallow the mass amount arachnids but their tiny legs triggered my gag reflex and I couldn’t help but spew spiders all over this poor woman. she started flailing around “they’re in my hair! OMG get them out!” I didn’t know what to do. I was mortified. my secret had been found out. I ran upstairs and out of the house. I couldn’t drive away fast enough. I was fired the next day. I still eat spiders but not by the mouthful any more. I’m trying to ween myself off but it’s the only thing I have in this world that brings me joy. |
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Feb 23, 2018 22:22
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interviewer: well you seem quite personable and I can't think of any reasons you wouldn't be a good fit here. when can you start?
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Feb 23, 2018 22:25
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Just before you snowball him |
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Feb 23, 2018 22:29
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Bad Times to Spill Your Mouthful of Men & Other Social Faux Pas: A Guide by Shelob |
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Feb 23, 2018 23:13
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by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you-- *the happy couple screams as they are showered with gigantic venomous spiders* |
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Feb 23, 2018 23:21
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Um, did you just cough into my butthole? Yes, and that is all I did, so you should probably stop thinking about it. |
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Feb 24, 2018 00:54
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Dear BYOB, I never thought it could happen to me, but last night I was in the bar bemoaning my recent dryspell when two gorgeous women came up and bought me a drink. Carey was a tall strawberry blonde with curves like if Maralyn Monroe did pilates, the other woman, Casey was just as breathtaking -- a slender raven haired woman with exotic features and a face like if Boticelli had gone back to the drawing board and birthed a better Venus. Now I'm just an average joe with a grounded-yet-appealing blue collar job like being a motorcycle mechanic or something, so I never expected these women to be interested in me, but as soon we'd made our introductions and gotten our drinks -- Jameson for me long Islands for them (those gals could drink!), they just about dragged me to a quiet little corner booth where we were soon chatting and leaning close like we were long time confidantes. It turned out they were olympic figure skaters who had both just gotten gold medals (they tied for first because they were both perfect tens) and we're both out celebrating for one night before they had to return to their busy super model and classy European erotic film careers. They had one night to let loose with everything. I was the lucky guy they picked to spend it with. What a world! By the second round of drinks, we were playing six-legged footsy and they were purring soft nonsense their eyes gleaming like hungry alley cats. I was starting to feel flushed and was eagerly rising to the occasion, when I remembered the spiders. My neighbor's spider farm was being fumigated and I'd offer to spider-sit for him. I couldn't very well leave them alone at home and it was cold outside, so I'd made the logical choice of putting them in a bag (with plenty of air and spider snacks) and swallowing them. Now I was beginning to regret that decision. Threes is a party, but three thousand is a crowd and I was starting to worry that all those arachnids would kill the vibe I was about to slip off to the bathroom to extricate the spiders, when we really started going hot and heavy. Carey's hand was a soft breeze on my thigh and Casey's was tracing circles around my chest with the grace of a surgeon who also played jazz piano. It was glorious, but just when things were getting good all of a sudden, I felt a twinge inside and up came the spiders. I tried to choke them back, but it was no use. I just kept spewing spiders, thousands and thousands of them in all shapes and sizes. The bag had evidently ruptured, so the spiders flew out freely and with so much force that they got everywhere. My two lovelies were shocked to have thousands of spiders covering them from head to foot like a crawling black second skin, but I was in for a bigger surprise! I vomited spiders all my dates, byob, and they loved it! |
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Feb 24, 2018 02:23
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in some countries it may be illegal to spill your mouthful of spiders. when travelling, make sure to always research the local laws and customs of the area you will be travelling to
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Feb 24, 2018 02:28
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Always make sure the spiders streaming out of your mouth are native to the area and not invasion. That's how the brown recluse got to Florida. |
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Feb 24, 2018 08:17
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Everytime i open my mouth, spiders fall out and i always looks so surprised and embarrassed that there's spiders falling out of my mouth but I'm also just sort of resigned to it, while people are throwing up and screaming I just shrug really exaggeratedly as if to say "hey give me a break here, there's spiders in my mouth, what are ya gonna do right?" |
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Feb 24, 2018 15:11
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When you're about to start your audition for an exterminator company commercial.
little munchkin fucked around with this message at 16:44 on Feb 24, 2018 ---------------- |
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Feb 24, 2018 16:37
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| when youre a member of the french resistance and youre about to be beheaded by the elite and you think it would be really cool to have spiders fall from your rolling head but youre so excited that you burp and the spiders come out prematurely and ruin the whole thing | |
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Feb 24, 2018 18:00
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Right before a 10-hour flight. Luckily it was a red-eye so I only had to use the spiders offered on the service carts just once. |
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Feb 25, 2018 22:37
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spectres of autism posted:when youre a member of the french resistance and youre about to be beheaded by the elite and you think it would be really cool to have spiders fall from your rolling head but youre so excited that you burp and the spiders come out prematurely and ruin the whole thing Spiderz don't even exist brosef .. yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ( f^,...,^)f(-_t) ---------------- |
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Feb 26, 2018 03:00
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Now that I think about it, there have been some times in my life where I've been embarassed not to have spiders in my mouth. I feel like, in some countries, that might even be more common than the opposite. It's a weird world out there!
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Feb 26, 2018 22:18
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when you're the clown at a kid's birthday party 
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Feb 28, 2018 04:36
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While giving a speech at the U.N. Some folks just don't get symbiotic relationships.
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Feb 28, 2018 19:10
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June 18, 2011. First day as the Assistant Manager of the Hilton right next to the Austin airport. Also the first day of the Small Flying Insect Trainer's Convention and the Severe Arachnophobia Sufferers Symposium. |
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Feb 28, 2018 20:08
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Farecoal posted:when you're the clown at a kid's birthday party A balloon spider full of spiders. |
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Mar 1, 2018 02:13
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Mar 1, 2018 02:16
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Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity To seize everything you ever wanted One moment Would you capture it or just let it slip? - Eminem I had, and lost, my one shot. My buddy and I were working a grift. It's hard to work a grift with a partner but me and clint? Well it was like peanut butter and jelly. We had made some decent pocket change. Nothing life changing but enough to live the good times. Only thing is that people were starting to get wise to us so we had to get out of dodge. We just needed one last big score. Enough to take us to the big easy and set up. Maybe even go legit. We had done this a hundred times already (that's why the locals were getting wise to us) and we expected this to go just as smooth. It was rehearsed, it was planned, it should have gone perfect. Two tables away at the restaurant I was right on cue shooting up and coughing. Hands to my neck acting the scene. Clint always felt I embellished it a bit but no one ever doubted I was choking. When caught in an emergency most people freeze. That's what we were counting on. No staff member goes to help, Clint rush in to save me then we blackmail the restaurant with negative yelp reviews for letting a customer almost die. Clint played his part beautifully. "Isn't anyone going to help?" He screamed as he ran to me and started doing the Heimlich. It was that third thrust that did it. A bit too hard if you ask me but Clint of course blames it on me. I spewed up and the swarm of spiders just rocketed out of my mouth and all over the face of this old woman who just started screaming spewing out the spiders she had in her mouth. That's when the manager takes a closer look. "Hey those aren't the spiders we serve here!" and the gig was up. We were chased out of town; me and clint went our separate ways. ---------------- |
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Mar 1, 2018 02:34
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The worst thing is when you're kissing a girl whose mouth is full of wasps and the wasps and spiders start fighting. |
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Mar 5, 2018 03:28
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Duckbox posted:The worst thing is when you're kissing a girl whose mouth is full of wasps and the wasps and spiders start fighting. but then they start kissing and it's their salival microbes' turn to fight |
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Mar 5, 2018 03:37
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Everyone has got to experience a buzz, get a little thrill every now and then to distract you from the boring monotomy of the nine to five work week. For me it was stealing, I was a cleptomaniac, or at least until after the incident I was. Well one day I figured if I'm going to be stealing, it may as well be for my own benefit, and if it's from a large company, there's no harm in that right? You see I was an avid spider collector, and the habitat I had built in my garrage was lacking anything other than just your standard daddy long legs and regular old home spiders, I needed something exciting, like the Red Back spiders of Australia, or the Goliath Birdeater of South America. So I hatched a plan, I would go to the large spider sanctuary just out of town, slip the little buggers into my mouth one by one, sneak out, then cage them in a box in my car to transport them back to my habitat. The spider sunctuary was an open habitat you could walk through with spiders (that had their poison removed) hanging around on tree branches, under rocks, sitting on logs and the like. I started by slipping a couple Wolf Spiders into my gob, being careful not to crush the critters or get them between my teeth. Then I managed to pinch two Brown Widows, three Yellow Sacs, and even a Darwin Black Spider, which haunts the island of Madagascar. All in all, I had eight spiders crawling around inside my mouth, a very odd sensation I can tell you. As I was walking towards the exit I started to sweat, not just because of the humid environment the habitat maintained, but because I was absolutely terrified something could go wrong. Then it happened, the spiders started getting rowdy and one of them started biting my tongue. I realised that having their poison removed didn't mean their fangs were gone too. One of the Brown Widows managed to slip out and I made a gasping sound, the pointy nosed and scrutinising manager of the enclosure yelled "Oi, you there!" and ran over to me. As he approached I could contain the spiders no longer, they leaped out of my mouth in a barrage of legs and beady eyes, jumping onto the managers face and assaulting the old geezer. I mumbled something awkwardly like "oh..uh..umm sor-sorry I just uh thought...well, ummm" and ran away with the screams of the manager fading in the distance. Now days I just race go karts to get my thrills and try not to think of the spider incident any more. My therapist says it's a much safer alternative. |
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Mar 5, 2018 07:55
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I have no mouth, and I must spill spiders out of it |
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Mar 5, 2018 10:09
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 21:11 |
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They say coughing gets you higher, but I took a hit and lost my mouth full of spiders and I've never been so depressed.
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Mar 5, 2018 11:32
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