getting ready to be born

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cda: by Hand Knit

psyching myself up to be born. watching youtube tutorials. when the first contraction comes i'm gonna hit the birth canal hard and fast and pop out like a champagne cork, maybe do a 360 if i can manage it.

# ? Apr 1, 2018 16:37

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 10:08

Slush Garbo: FALSE SLACK
is
BETTER
than
NO SLACK

been training for months... push ups, sit ups, pull ups, cardio, shadowboxing, tae bo, and krav maga

yeah, doc, someone's gonna be crying on my birthday and it ain't gonna be me...

# ? Apr 1, 2018 16:55

rump buttman: I just wish I had time for one more bowl of chili

wow. not to be a wet blanket, but calmly suggesting you can do a 360 on your first birth is preposterous. it took Jenny Twotoes 12 attempts before she landed the first 360. I was there. I watched the crashes. I watched the agony. I watched the will in her eyes grow with each failed attempt. she might have willed physics that day.

I just hate it when these new kids think they can watch a few highlight reals of Jenny and her groundbreaking acrobatics and think, �hey, that looks easy!� SHE EARNED THOSE SKILLS THROUGH BLOOD SWEAT AND TEARS.

# ? Apr 1, 2018 17:25

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

Something tells me this won't be the LAST light at the end of the tunnel that I'll be seeing...

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
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# ? Apr 1, 2018 18:07

Putty: HOOKED ON THE BROTHERS

the boss baby, checking the stock market to see if being born now would raise pampers shares

# ? Apr 1, 2018 18:18

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

My ultrasound shows me locking gazes with the ultrasound technician.

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
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# ? Apr 1, 2018 19:09

Plant MONSTER.: I was watching simpsons at 0.75 without knowing until a scene where homer and bart were getting back massages at a hotel and the noises they were making were super drawn out like a youtube poop

I, a gay baby, looking at the vagina I am to exit through sassily says i don't think so girlfriend and proceed to purposefully jam up moms cooch with my dumbass backwards baby body forcing her to be sliced open to remove me

i will always be a parasite

# ? Apr 2, 2018 04:35

Twenty Four

*Just staying inside as long as I can, not wanting to deal with this world, likely forced into an eventual c-section*

# ? Apr 2, 2018 14:08

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

An eighty year old woman is in the hospital for an ultrasound when it's revealed that she's pregnant. Further testing reveals that she's been pregnant for at least 50 years! With twins! An ultrasound is done and the following was heard from inside her womb:

"After you! No, I insist- after you! No, no, no- after YOU!"

not mine shamelessly stolen from a joke I heard somewhere

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
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# ? Apr 2, 2018 14:36

cda: by Hand Knit

you only get one chance to make a first impression, and my first impression will be jack nicholson. "heeeeere's johnny" i say, to the mirror, for the ten thousandth time. i study my expression. check it against the movie stills. but what if i choke? i put a hand to my throat to check that the umbilical cord is nowhere near it.

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# ? Apr 2, 2018 15:39

drilldo squirt: a beautiful, soft meat sack

The doctor puts the ultrasound up to my moms womb only to hear eye of the tiger blaring out and me pulling crunches like nobody's business.

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# ? Apr 2, 2018 15:42

cda: by Hand Knit

oh wow our baby has a sense of humor they will say. and good taste. kubrick. king. classic they will say. we're glad this baby is ours and "gets" cinema in a deep way but not like he's too serious about it. why so serious? that's a movie reference too, they will say, i wonder if our baby gets it. thats when i say "heath ledger was an overrated actor" and blow their fuckin minds.

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# ? Apr 2, 2018 15:43

alnilam

cda posted:

oh wow our baby has a sense of humor they will say. and good taste. kubrick. king. classic they will say. we're glad this baby is ours and "gets" cinema in a deep way but not like he's too serious about it. why so serious? that's a movie reference too, they will say, i wonder if our baby gets it. thats when i say "heath ledger was an overrated actor" and blow their fuckin minds.

your preference for jack niicholson is already known so they are small of mind if their minds are truly blown by that fact

# ? Apr 2, 2018 15:46

krampster2

I slip outta there with the trained expertise of an Olympic high diver. I prepare my body into an arrow shape, with the ankles together, arms outstretched with the palms together and slide out seamlessly into the basin of water on the floor between my mum's legs. The judges look down, no splash, they rule 10-10-9 for an average of 9.67! What a score!

# ? Apr 2, 2018 15:58

Farecoal: There he go

i would've stayed but fuckin' rents man. fuckin economy

# ? Apr 2, 2018 19:08

Manifisto

drilldo squirt posted:

The doctor puts the ultrasound up to my moms womb only to hear eye of the tiger blaring out and me pulling crunches like nobody's business.

# ? Apr 2, 2018 20:24

Chasterson: by Nyc_Tattoo

Farecoal posted:

i would've stayed but fuckin' rents man. fuckin economy

Right? There's a Pizzeria Uno where the placenta used to be it's a loving tragedy

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# ? Apr 2, 2018 20:26

Jolo: ive been playing with magnuts tying to change the wold as we know it

# ? Apr 2, 2018 21:34

mysterious frankie: This displeases Dev- ..van. Shut up.

my tiny hand bursts out the vj and flips the bird to everyone in the operating room, then goes back in, then comes back out holding a piece of paper that says "lol, joking, I am really looking forward to this

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Could the universe and starts be an enlarged reflection of the atomic world?

# ? Apr 2, 2018 23:21

cda: by Hand Knit

Jolo posted:

# ? Apr 3, 2018 03:01

drilldo squirt: a beautiful, soft meat sack

Jolo posted:

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# ? Apr 3, 2018 03:43

cda: by Hand Knit

*le foetal me, watching videos of Birth Fails* gently caress...i hope i dont come out sideways

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# ? Apr 3, 2018 17:40

Sing Along: by Athanatos

me, thinking hard before being born: "well, this only took nine months so if i mess it up the first time i could take a few months off and give it another shot in under a year"

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# ? Apr 3, 2018 18:51

joke_explainer

So many are unprepared, just pop out confused and flop into a doctor's hands with no coordination at all. The judges penalize heavily for this, I mean, you pretty frequently see 2's, 3's, across the board. I'm going to try to finish the routine with a cartwheel into a double front flip and land with my hands in the air, I'm hoping for at least an 8.5. Probably won't qualify me for the olympics but it's a personal goal.

# ? Apr 3, 2018 19:08

Jolo: ive been playing with magnuts tying to change the wold as we know it

For my first trick, I'll use careful misdirection to slip out of the canal unnoticed. While everyone is focused on the birth hole, I'll use slight of hand to slip the cigar out of my dad's shirt pocket and into my mouth. Then I'll wait for a moment of silence to nudge ol' dad in the ribs and ask, "Got a light?" Then while everyone is thoroughly MindFreak'd and dad is checking all of his pockets for his lighter, I'll reach up into mom's vajay and say, "looking for.... this" and reveal dad's lighter with his initals engraved on the side. Double Mindfreak'd and less than one minute old. Your move, other babies.

~~~ byob summer 2020 ~~~ sig responsibly ~~~ i hope you enjoy my sig ~~~ please dont kangaroo jack what you cant kangaroo give back. ~~~

# ? Apr 3, 2018 19:32

wearing a lampshade

Staring into the mirror "hey kid. this is it. This is the big one. Huge crowd tonight. Lots of important people. Don't screw this up. Those curtains are gonna open, and you're gonna be a star."

# ? Apr 3, 2018 19:48

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 10:08

Pot Smoke Phoenix: Smoke 'em if you gottem!

joke_explainer posted:

So many are unprepared, just pop out confused and flop into a doctor's hands with no coordination at all. The judges penalize heavily for this, I mean, you pretty frequently see 2's, 3's, across the board. I'm going to try to finish the routine with a cartwheel into a double front flip and land with my hands in the air, I'm hoping for at least an 8.5. Probably won't qualify me for the olympics but it's a personal goal.

Doc better know Krav Magra before MY rear end gets slapped

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
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# ? Apr 3, 2018 19:53

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