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super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

cigaw posted:



1. Name - Ifnkovhgroghprm, the Avatar of Annoyance
2. Race - Preternatural Old Man Gnome
3. Academics (Dungeon Masters) - Annoyance
4. Academics (Dungeon Minor) - Magic
5. Academics (Weakness) - Combat
6. Dream Job - Tenure

Huh? Whatsit? You need a villain? I may be able to help you if you can only guess my name through a nonsensical riddle that defies all logic! Also, bring me 20 sewer-rat tails.

Bah, fine. Here's my business card. Ifnkovhgroghprm - the Avatar of Annoyance, DM at your service. I specialize in having the pesky heroes defeat themselves.

A little bit of magic, a hefty dose vexation and enough exasperation to choke a half-dragon donkey will win the day! Need eternal double-back corridors? Myriad riddles of varying frustrating degrees? Puzzles with hair-pulling self-referencing laws with the solution hidden in plain sight? I can get you that and more!

For my Dungeon Master's thesis I actually designed a small, self-resetting dungeon that caused the simulated party to turn on one another within 3 riddles. The Paladin actually killed himself at the end because he couldn't solve the puzzle to open the door. He was pulling and pushing and trying to sell his soul to any Abyssal entity who would listen and - here's the kicker - it was an unlocked sliding door! Haw!

So, you young whippersnapper, give me the job and the job solves itself. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get to my PhD classes - we're running a lab on broken and unfinished questlines.

+1

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super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

1A
2B - Let's make one shark man first to help capture more humans and guard the cave, then the rest will be crab people.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

We've been lucky so far but they won't keep assuming the missing villagers are the result of random accidents.

Mantis Shrimpman

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

Outrail posted:

Manmen; all the strengths of a man with all the weaknesses of a man.

I like it but that's 0% fish. We could make crabshark or octortoise.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

I like the idea of deception but to do that we'd have to sacrifice Fisty or one of the crab people.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

C
A


After things calm down a bit we need to see if the village has some wise sage or healer we can kidnap and steal mystic secrets from.

super sweet best pal fucked around with this message at 07:37 on May 1, 2018

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

Disguise ourself as a beautiful mermaid and trick her into thinking Fisty is the culprit. Once she's weakened from the fight, capture her and turn her into a monster.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

Only if you don't have superior mind control.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

B - 1 crab, one shrimp

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

sheep-dodger posted:

A2
B - Turn the men into more crab people, corrupt the woman into our dark lieutenant
. She wanted to be a hero, so she'll be our champion. And what kind of villain would we be without a second in command who can suddenly but inevitably betray us?

That's a great idea but we've got mana issues. If there was enough support to combine her with the severed hand and an octopus I'd change my vote to that.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

True but we were careless and now there's too much heat.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

"Hi, we're the Crabbersons, we just moved into the reef next door. We brought over a tuna casserole."

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

2D - B but let's do some experimenting while we're still on the job; experiment with Athena's hand. Cut ours off and graft hers in its place, then use mana to convert the new hand, reshape it so it fits and is our flesh. See if there's anything to this hero force nonsense.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

Blasphemaster posted:

In an alternate universe, we'd be a cyberpunk villain hacker with the handle of SIEG_FILE:filez:

Are we sea hitler? Nah, we're more like sea mengele. :godwin:

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

D
4
Good Manager


Now that we have experience taking care of people who get too close to the water, we could probably ask for a bit more this time. We had a little trouble capturing the harder targets last time, so combat would help. Having the mine is basically a bonus so we might as well staff it with someone skilled.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

Maybe we could build the dungeon as a trap for the militia and collapse it on them when they get too close, drown them underwater. Maybe Meche could be convinced to look the other way for an opportunity to loot the homes of the deceased.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

We capture the rogue, break him down like we did the aspiring hero girl, let him know his king wants him and his entire village dead and working for us is a way out.

I'm thinking we go with crayfish for this job.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

Lake

1 B - Let's build a small bedroom and a small lab for now
2 A - Large main cell area

3
A - Use mana
B - Hire deep ones
C - Hire deep ones, make it so the entire dungeon can be flooded if raided.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

Rockopolis posted:

So...give amphetamines to the local beaver colonies?
Get them to build a superdam, then break the dam a wash away the villages?

Or mutate them into three-headed Cerberus beavers with wasps in their mouths so that when they bark they shoot wasps?

Have them build the dam with garbage thrown in the lake by the villagers. Any passing druid will blame the plague on the people.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

No to Oren Otter

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

Splicer posted:

E: Set up a company store. If they want capitalism they get capitalism. Pick the most ambitious looking beaver and set them up as the store manager. Divide and conquer.

Also, promise them future employment and after this job send them to the gem mines.

This

Rockopolis posted:

The company store is a cool idea, but the problem is that the beavers live in a lodge and eat trees, they don't need to buy anything. It's not like we've enclosed the commons or anything. Yet.

Unless...
Get Cooking
Sell them meth to make them work faster, raise the price when they're hooked you run into supply chain issues, demolish the dam in a tragic meth lab explosion.
If they get injured on the job, see about expanding into opiates.

Meth might make them harder to control, they might start doing things we don't want in order to get their fix.

e: The opiates though, we can make krokodil that turns them into beaver/crocodile hybrids.

super sweet best pal fucked around with this message at 16:43 on May 29, 2018

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

We need to make sure that the person who got away is dead.

e: Also, Single out the most dim-witted of these angry beavers and inform it we have a mine left over from our last job that we're still running. Tell it that we were going to give them permanent work building mine fixtures there after the job was finished but we're not sure if we can employ workers who didn't even try to raise concerns before going on strike.

super sweet best pal fucked around with this message at 18:58 on May 29, 2018

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

A4

Send a message to the Rogue, warning him that the king wants him dead and we can help him escape.


A simple divination will tell him these statements are true.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

A - Stick to the plan. Let's use what little mana we have left to disguise ourself as a druid and hand out mosquito nets, charging nothing but requesting donations of rare reagents that can be used in mana restoration potions, say they're needed for a cure.

Spread propaganda while we do it, blaming the plague on the lakeside villages' pollution. The king gets to blame the peoples' deaths on themselves and can seize the land.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

1C - This sounds cool. Jingo was a great Discworld book.
2E - Our last batch of monsters had too much free will and not enough loyalty, we should correct that.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

Thinking we should send half our beavers to the mine and keep the other half with us the first week to help build the new dungeon.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

C

Screw them, if they want a fortress for cheap they can hire some cut rate outfit that will do a shoddy job.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

"Hey monsters, let's go to the mine."

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

1 B
2 A, 100 workers and an overseer
3 Yes. Crabbersons and pistol shrimpmen go into the pot.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

True, but we can put more of our next gen crabbersons back into the mine to increase its output, we'd end up making money.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

You can't leave servants alone for too many centuries with no means of control. Didn't you read Hitmen for Destiny?

Seriously, go read it, it's a good comic. http://hitmen.thecomicseries.com/comics/first/

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

We could brainwash our Lieutenants some more and have them birth an elite guard. Maybe extend their lives a couple hundred years so they'll still be around after the first cycle.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

We don't really know the fecundity of a crabberson or mantispistolshrimpman but we could always boost it before we toss them in, get better returns on just one cycle.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

I think it'd be better to spend a couple weeks building it up undersea before we raise it. Gotta make sure it's good enough to keep the other guys out.

The reefs should be heavily defended on the enemy faction's side but light on our heroes' side.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

Anyone else think we should dump the stingrays in for just one cyclel? The more of them we have, the better.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

Relentless posted:

So, I just had a thought. Could we sneak in a totally unconnected secret lair into the base of this fortress?

We need a place to call home, it's already in a shipping lane, and we are already doing some pretty massive construction...

We could always repurpose the mines into our HQ once they're depleted. Go in, capture the surfacers, turn the sapphire isles into Crabberson town.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

Prince

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

Is it possible to move the font somewhere else? Can we refill our manawell without destroying the font?

4 - Renegotiate our contract. Tell them about the manafont and ask if they'd like to expand the deal, a peninsula.

super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

Would it be possible to infuse ourself with its power to boost our maximum mana?

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super sweet best pal
Nov 18, 2009

Switching to Trident

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