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I'll never forget the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket. He said, "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?" 
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Apr 17, 2018 02:40
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 22:00 |
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I've been using "pissing in the wind, trying to keep my shoes dry" at work when I have a mountain of poo poo to do and anyone wastes my time asking me how my day is. I also like "sooner run backwards naked through a cornfield" but that's harking back to growing up on a farm.
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Apr 17, 2018 02:49
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Today while we were working on a roof, my dad said that if our measurements were right, "we'd be shittin' in high cotton." Also when I'm joking around with my friends I'll tell them that I'll "start handing out naps like a daycare" and will "fold them like laundry". Before fights I've been told, on separate occassions, that I would be "tuned up", "tooled up", and "have the brakes beaten off me." That last one was true that dude did beat the fuckin brakes off me. Folded me like laundry. It was over quicker than a knife fight in a phone booth.
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Apr 17, 2018 08:22
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Submarine races means loving in a car. Don't know if that was ever clarified.
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Apr 17, 2018 08:38
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"Too many footballs, not enough monkeys"
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Apr 17, 2018 08:54
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For an attractive lady: "i wouldn't get off till the baby popped out" which is loving gross but makes me laugh every time this dirty fucker i know says it.
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Apr 17, 2018 09:00
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I worked with an old roughneck when I was doing security. Fucker was big as a tree. I'm 6'6" and he easily had 4-5 inches on me. He left the oil business when he fell off a platform and shattered his leg and broke his hip. He was in his 60's when he worked for me and had the best customer service skills I'd ever seen. He had one of those big personalities; the kind of guy that would just start talking to customers with a big voice and friendly tone and you were just instantly on board with him. In private he had the dirtiest sense of humor I've ever experienced. His days on the oil rig had left him with the innate ability to say something disgusting or hateful at the drop of a hat. I would always tell him, "Martin I swear you're just an old oak tree that learned to swear". He was once talking to me about an employee in another department who had had a baby. I told him the kiddo was cute and we were all happy for her and he just says flatly, "For every pig a pig fucker I guess". He got mad at me one morning for forgetting to adjust his schedule. I told him to cool it before I kicked his legs out from under him just joking around and he got pissed and told me, "I've stepped over motherfuckers bigger than you just to watch a fight!" During another argument he told me, "I'm such a mean fucker I have to hold a pistol to my head while I shave so I don't slit my own throat!" One morning he made me throw up. I was sick already and nearing the end of my 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. shift. The nice older lady that worked day shift with Martin came on at 5 with him. She brought me a breakfast bowl kind of thing and I figured I'd try to eat something. I was quietly sitting in my office eating this breakfast bowl and holding it down when Martin walks in. He stretched his comically long body over my desk and looks at the bowl and gets this frown on his face. I sat back and said, "something bothering you Martin?" This old swearing tree looks at me, looks at the bowl, looks at me, and says, "Boy that looks like a pussy full of puke." The mental image combined with my sickness made me immediately start throwing up into the trash can next to my desk. I'm heaving and coughing into the trash can and I just hear the pure, unrestrained joy in his laughter. I left that job about 6 months after that. I put in about 5 good years altogether and Martin was a highlight of that time. I went to a former employee's wedding a few weeks ago and found out Martin had left the security life to take care of his wife. I never knew he was married and was surprised a woman ever put up with him. I could fill 10 threads with all the racist, sexist, awful poo poo Martin had said to me or other people. When I left he had a combined 34 written reprimands for his behavior but was so good at his job that no one would let me can him. This post is very long but one more thing. He would make people inadvertently look at gross poo poo. He had a weird ability to find gross poo poo in the casino (actually not that hard). One night he was covering a shift and he says to me, "hey boss I think there's a baggie of meth between those 2 machines". We're in a casino and that is a very feasible thing so he leads me over and tells me to lean down and look. On the other side of the machines was an old man with his dick and balls hanging out of his shorts. Fuckin' Martin.
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Apr 17, 2018 10:39
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As worthless as titties on a boar hog.
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Apr 17, 2018 11:23
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My prepper uncle is an oasis of wise words. Off the top of my head: "I'll be up your rear end with track shoes" aka I'll get up in your business with little room to spare "poo poo the bed! (Fred!)" a general exclamation to the negative. he once used this one in front of his foreman whose name was indeed Fred.
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Apr 17, 2018 12:30
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More angles than an octagon
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Apr 17, 2018 12:52
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If u see a real fine lady you might say "I'd eat the corn out of her poo poo" or just "corn" for short
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Apr 17, 2018 12:56
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Humans are a doomed species
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Apr 17, 2018 13:09
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If its yellow let it mellow if it's brown go to town
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Apr 17, 2018 13:11
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Coolest guy at the LARP
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Apr 17, 2018 16:44
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The Spanish also have the classic "I poo poo on the host". Host in this case being the communion bread. 
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Apr 17, 2018 20:44
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Lena Dunham posted:If u see a real fine lady you might say "I'd eat the corn out of her poo poo" or just "corn" for short "I'd eat a mile of her poo poo just to get to her rear end in a top hat." "I'd drag my balls through 2 miles of broken glass just to smell where her poo poo came from."
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Apr 17, 2018 21:00
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Cat Army
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MightyJoe36 posted:"I'd eat a mile of her poo poo just to get to her rear end in a top hat." I'd eat a mile of comm wire just to hear her fart over a field phone. I'd drink her bath water.
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Apr 17, 2018 21:17
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Wish in one hand and poo poo in the other and tell me which one you get first.
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Apr 17, 2018 21:55
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redder than the devil's dick
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Apr 17, 2018 22:34
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My father's "witch tit"-cold variation was, "Colder than a witch's titty in the Klondike." Rolled off the tongue nicely.
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Apr 17, 2018 22:45
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I'm a fan of "not my circus, not my monkeys"
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Apr 17, 2018 23:53
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“Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. “ We use that one with people who end up on our ambulance for doing dumb poo poo like giving themselves enemas until they got dizzy.
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Apr 18, 2018 00:38
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"Get you books, 'cause I'mma take you to school." "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, and then it's just fun you can't see."
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Apr 18, 2018 01:21
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Sjs00 posted:If its yellow let it mellow if it's brown go to town This is how I live my life not knowing how to fix a septic tank
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Apr 18, 2018 03:06
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 22:00 |
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"man, that guy is sweating like a rapist."
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Apr 18, 2018 03:15
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