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 Hello everyone, I am WWE resident physician Chris Amann, and I am using this GDT for UFC 225: Whittaker vs Romero 2, 10 p.m. ET today on PPV as an opportunity to clear my name and restore my reputation. Remember, this is a ppv, so if you stream it without buying it then I will have to sue Lowtax for $1 per every view this thread gets and use the proceeds to offset the cost of one mid-range steak dinner at Texas Roadhouse. It is unfortunate that I have to do this, but tragically the legal system is rigged in this country and does not benefit wealthy, educated white men who are direct employees of multi billion dollar business owners who in turn are in President Donald Trump’s personal social circle. This gross and blatant disregard for justice has damaged me greatly in that, while I have admitted in court that CM Punk’s slanders of my quality of care on Colt Cabana’s podcast did not impact me financially in any way, it really hurt my feelings, making me feel mad and at times even sad. I am a good doctor. I do my best to make sure everyone’s charts says what they legally need to so they can wrestle, and Mr. McMahon says that’s great and gives me a $300,000 bonus for it each quarter. So if the judge won’t help prove it, I will do the same thing to rebuild my reputation that Punk and Cabana did to tarnish it: I will use an internet platform that absolutely no one of significance pays attention to and just say a bunch of unverifiable poo poo to confirm I know what I am talking about. So I am ready to give Dr. Greg Hsu a night off and violate HIPAA and disclose medical information on all of tonight’s fighters. Middleweight but not for a title  Robert Whittaker (c) vs.  Yoel Romero (fat) Robert Whittaker is a top flight middleweight, continuing to improve since he won a lackluster season of TUF and got knocked out a bunch at welterweight. He is undefeated as a middleweight with a resume that includes going the distance with Romero on a bum knee and finishing Jacare after besting him on the ground. However, I take the mental health and acumen of fighters both real and fake very seriously. Just the other day Kane was so concussed he couldn’t list the numbers of his bank account and social security number, so I gave him a mandatory no-contact medical suspension of 15 minutes while I checked his phone for relevant information and sent him on to fight, per the Official WWE Wellness Policy. But UFC has even higher standards, which I think are wholly unnecessary medically, but I am a consummate professional. So when I was giving Whittaker his pre fight physical and remarked on his neat tattoo on his chest, I was shocked and alarmed to hear he described it as a constellation called the Southern Cross. Now after a camping event with my scout troop I was very interested in astronomy and convinced my mom and dad to buy me a telescope that included a CD ROM with a little star map and a description of all the constellations, and I am very confident that the southern cross wasn't one of them. I was ready to stop this fight then and there if his brain was so damaged he was making up his own cosmos. but after his insistence he leant me his phone (which also satisfied my mandatory bank account information policy) and did you know, that there are different stars in the southern half of the world than you can see in the northern half, where I live? Wow, it's truly amazing what you can learn from other people about their cultures. so long as you are willing to read about it on wikipedia after arguing as ab absolute authority on their own personal experience. At any rate, it is my medical opinion that Whittaker is fit to fight. Yoel Romero really should have been able to fight as a middleweight in my medical opinion. Sure he is absolutely massive and 40 years old, and a huge cheater who had twice in a row botched a title fight weight cut so he could have a significant mass advantage. but let me tell you, I have seen his bank account, and he is in my medical opinion absolutely prepared to fight for the title. The commission really overstepped my authority, as an official University of Phoenix Online Credentialed Medical Official Which Is Legally Distinct From A Ph.D by saying he had to stop his cut, and I will absolutely be submitting a complaint to the Phoenix Board of Legally Non-Medical Review and Culinary School BBQ Competition Judges about this. For a fake welterweight title  Rafael dos Anjos vs.  Colby Covington Rafael dos Anjos scares me. I have to tell you guys I do not like scary movies, and to study a real live Frankenstein is terrifying. Plus he went from being a mediocre journeyman at lightweight a zillion years ago to winning the lightweight belt and then challenging for the welterweight belt, which implies some kind of crossroads demon deal. And I’m caught up on Supernatural and I know they are out of bullets for the legendary Winchester gun, so probably nothing can stop this guy. But when I got to meet him, he really seemed all right. It’s true he was scared of fire like in the movies, but he’s scared of other stuff too, like cavemen who know neck cranks and parakeets. A lot of people say that he only resurged due to steroid abuse but there is nothing in his bank account to suggest he is buying drugs. Plus his chin is really neat, he let me stick fridge magnets to it and stuff. Colby Covington, though, is the true monster, and is absolutely unfit in my opinion to fight. As we have established, hurting my feelings and being mean to me online are the most egregious violations imaginable and automatically disqualify you from participation in any athletic endeavor. So you can imagine my surprise when I logged onto twitter one morning and learned that Thanos gets off the Millennial Falcon and goes back to Ross before I even had a chance to see the movie! And what’s worse, when I DMed him to politely say it was inconsiderate to post spoilers to popular movies, he took a screenshot and posted it to his feed to call me a gay virgin! Now I have a daughter who is also very excited to see the movie, and when I told her Colby Covington posted that StarLord blows up the Death Star because he wasn’t disabled and was faking it the whole time, she started crying! I am livid and plan on filing a suit for damages based on $1 per Colby Covington’s twitter followers, and I plan on using the proceeds to buy my daughter at least half of a Happy Meal to make her feel better. Women’s Featherweight  Holly Holm vs.  Megan Anderson The WWE hasn’t really let me work with any of the Divas ever since that Nikki Bella incident, but I read on TMZ that she and John Cena are working through the miscarriage, so I have high hopes Mr. McMahon will let me back on medical detail for the full roster soon. Anyway, I actually tried a remote medicine approach for this fight and actually found a lot when I googled “Holly Holm Pussy Pics” but it was mostly just this weird strength/conditioning/nutrition guy’s youtube. He seemed to know what he was talking about though, so my conclusion is Holly Holm’s steroid use violates the Talent Wellness Policy and she should be banned from a minimum 100 shows or 7 days, whichever is later. In my medical opinion, Megan Anderson would never do steroids. In fact, she is so scared of steroids, she won’t fight Cyborg. Heavyweight  Andrei Arlovski vs.  Tai Tuivasa Andrei Arlovski has fought quite some time, and has been knocked out for quite some time too. But worry not, he has passed my patented cognitive exam with flying colors. Mr. Arlovski has successfully demonstrated he can identify at least three out of 12 shapes, knows his colors and tied his shoes in just 3 minutes 48 seconds, edging out Mick Foley’s personal best. Tai Tuivasa is a 25 year old heavyweight, which pretty much means he is healthier than anyone else in his entire division. Welterweight  Chick Magnet Punk vs.  Mike Jackson Look, Punk and I? We have some history, obviously. But I am hear to tell you guys the real story, the real story of what happened that didn’t come out in court. This is absolutely true, and once and for all. That day he came in with a so-called staph infection? It was an ingrown hair. Basically a tennis ball sized zit on his rear end because he didn’t wash right. He came in sobbing because it hurt, and I guess I can’t blame him because it would be pretty hard to sit on that thing, but he was like rolling around on the ground talking about how he was sure it was staph and he was sure he was dying and he needed a last-ditch antibiotic or some advil or something. It was pretty pathetic, but I mean I know an ingrown hair when I see one, ok? So I tell him drugs won’t be necessary and grabbed a lance. Once he saw a sharp object he screamed the most high pitched little scream I have ever heard. It gave my receptionist tinnitus. He slapped the lance out of my hand and started throwing tongue depressors and cotton swabs at me. He also started doing this thing toward me with his hands that I had no idea what it was at the time, but when I watched his fight with Mickey Gall I realized they were punches. Whole time had big wide streams of tears running down his face like in an anime. Finally AJ Lee came in to scold me and carry him like a toddler with his legs all wrapped around her out of the office and to a Chuck E Cheese where he could eat pizza and play video games without getting scared by a Bud Light. Whole scene played out in about three minutes. So when he says I didn’t diagnose his staph, it’s a blatant lie. Nope, not gonna give Michael Jackson a physical. Zombies, time travel, body snatchers, whatever it is it’s all too scary. Other poo poo to watch FS1 Prelims, 8 p.m. ET Heavyweight Alistair Overeem vs. Curtis Blaydes Women's Strawweight Cláudia Gadelha vs. Carla Esparza Featherweight Ricardo Lamas vs Mirsad Bektić Heavyweight Rashad Coulter vs. Chris de la Rocha Fight Pass prelims, 6:15 p.m. ET Light Heavyweight Rashad Evans vs. Anthony Smith Flyweight Joseph Benavidez vs. Sergio Pettis Lightweight Clay Guida vs. Charles Oliveira Featherweight Mike Santiago vs. Dan Ige Bluedeanie fucked around with this message at 23:59 on Jun 9, 2018 |
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Jun 9, 2018 23:05
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 07:13 |
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And that's the first fight over in 30 seconds.
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Jun 9, 2018 23:27
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Well that reminded me of the bear scene in The Revenant. Jesus.
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Jun 9, 2018 23:27
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lol holy poo poo
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Jun 9, 2018 23:27
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Got a beer, missed the first fight.
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Jun 9, 2018 23:27
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yikes
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Jun 9, 2018 23:28
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I was finishing cleaning for guests and thought I could miss the first 20-30 seconds then luckily looked up and stopped immediately. Luckily we’ll get to see that fight again tonight.
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Jun 9, 2018 23:31
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that was less of a fight per se and more just a mauling
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Jun 9, 2018 23:32
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Oh man remember Will Brooks. What a dud that was.
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Jun 9, 2018 23:35
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Clay Guida gets more annoying as the years go by
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Jun 9, 2018 23:38
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Clay Guida woooo
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Jun 9, 2018 23:38
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At least he comes out to kickstart my heart, which is a rad song
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Jun 9, 2018 23:40
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Herky jerky
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Jun 9, 2018 23:41
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 guida
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Jun 9, 2018 23:43
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And another one done fast. And the Guida goes for a couple laps.
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Jun 9, 2018 23:44
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I really enjoyed the crowd roaring when they went to the ground, not realizing guida was hosed
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Jun 9, 2018 23:44
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Cool, maybe now we'll get to watch a stationary shot of the outside of the United Center for ten or fifteen minutes while the annoying Fight Pass song plays on a loop.
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Jun 9, 2018 23:46
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Clay Guida 
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Jun 9, 2018 23:46
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Man these are flying by. Oliveira has freaky squeeze in his chokes.
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Jun 9, 2018 23:47
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Yes joe, please stretch out the interview with a guy that just keeps saying I did my job, thank you over and over again
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Jun 9, 2018 23:48
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Next fight the #1 ranked Flyweight fighting on not even the main event of the Fight Pass prelims.
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Jun 9, 2018 23:49
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also: excellent OP
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Jun 9, 2018 23:52
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Soothing Vapors posted:also: excellent OP
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Jun 9, 2018 23:54
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i cant believe this is an online prelim
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Jun 10, 2018 00:02
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Benevidez is going to kill Pettis.
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Jun 10, 2018 00:02
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blonde joey hmm
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Jun 10, 2018 00:03
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https://twitter.com/Grabaka_Hitman/status/1005585789294661632?s=19
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Jun 10, 2018 00:03
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Rashad Evans is still fighting?? he's still alive?
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Jun 10, 2018 00:04
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Gets pushed over by woozy man. Yeah Pettis gonna have a lot for ol DJ.
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Jun 10, 2018 00:07
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This fight would work better as a 5 round main event than 90% of what they actually put at the top of fight night cards nowadays
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Jun 10, 2018 00:08
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I like the corner just yelling wrestle. Yeah no poo poo fellas.
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Jun 10, 2018 00:10
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Benavidez looks terrible right now.
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Jun 10, 2018 00:10
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I got to the event just in time to see Guida get choked.
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Jun 10, 2018 00:11
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Dan Didio posted:Benavidez looks terrible right now. it's the hair
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Jun 10, 2018 00:11
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He looks like a midget Tito
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Jun 10, 2018 00:12
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"MMA Joe, MMA."
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Jun 10, 2018 00:12
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Pettis isn't finding the counters as well in round 2.
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Jun 10, 2018 00:14
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joe robbed cejudo and i hope he loses to baby
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Jun 10, 2018 00:16
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Joey needs a finish.
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Jun 10, 2018 00:17
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 07:13 |
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Probably 1-1 going into round 3.
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Jun 10, 2018 00:17
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