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Make a joke about him owing you money and play it off all cute at first but then really start berating them about it. Just brutal poo poo. Maybe curse god for the concept of death I dunno I’m not good with funerals.
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Aug 28, 2018 11:30
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| # ? Apr 27, 2024 00:32 |
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HugeGrossBurrito posted:Make a joke about him owing you money and play it off all cute at first but then really start berating them about it. Just brutal poo poo. Maybe curse god for the concept of death I dunno I’m not good with funerals. At the end day that you're getting your money back and then fake dive into the coffin like youre going to shake him down or pull out his fillings or something
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Aug 28, 2018 11:46
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You can't tell jokes at a eulogy. Death is perfect. Humor involves imperfection. Any jokes given during a eulogy only mark the speaker as a poor eulogist.
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Aug 28, 2018 12:24
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Funeral? I thought that real doll smelled funny.
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Aug 28, 2018 15:22
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Im sorry Im sorry im trying to delete it
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Aug 28, 2018 15:22
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Obsidianheart posted:Clown makeup on Jim. Close casket, but install a device that will open it halfway into your set, and play Entrance of the Gladiators. When coffin lid opens all the way, corpse sits up (on a lever). This activates a hidden balloon-drop at the ceiling, raining festivity on the mourners. Act surprised at first, but then reach into the podium and bring out a tophat and red tux jacket. Have an usher selling peanuts. Turning a tragedy into a celebration? I LOVE IT!  Pissed Ape Sexist posted:Pull a long string of colorful handkerchiefs out of his dumb dead dick, then play like you just realized how inappropriate it is and start putting them back in. Then calmly yet forcefully start wedging the colored fabric back up a corpse's urethra with a golf pencil I know this is a classic but I'm looking for something more modern, you know? Something that hasn't already been done like a million times.
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Aug 28, 2018 16:01
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Bust out an interpretive dance to “when doves cry” 
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Aug 28, 2018 16:05
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Literally A Person posted:Turning a tragedy into a celebration? I LOVE IT! Fill him with tide pods and avocado toast and jump on him expelling these items and cross your arms and say "millennials am I right?" and roll your eyes. Then start screaming about QAnon and get very agitated and confused.
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Aug 28, 2018 16:08
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Man you guys are way too all about desecrating the body. Like it’s just dirt now. You gotta go for who they were as a person.
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Aug 28, 2018 16:10
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ClamdestineBoyster posted:Man you guys are way too all about desecrating the body. Like it’s just dirt now. You gotta go for who they were as a person. You're totally right. How could we have been so blind? So disrespectful? So, uh, anyone know any dirty limericks that Jim's name fits into easily?
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Aug 28, 2018 16:16
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ClamdestineBoyster posted:Man you guys are way too all about desecrating the body. Like it’s just dirt now. You gotta go for who they were as a person. You're right I've become like Carrot Top except not incredibly buff. Im ashamed.
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Aug 28, 2018 16:16
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"jim was well respected among the community and beloved as a husband, father, brother, son, and my friend. his passing will leave chasm that will not easily be.." then you make a farting sound and laugh and say "PSYCH!!! jim was a real a**hole and who cares about his dead rear end??? let's blow this popcicle stand!" do a kickflip off the lecturn and kiss a hot lady and call it a day
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Aug 28, 2018 16:19
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"gently caress you Jim i'm glad you died" and then dropkick the widow
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Aug 28, 2018 16:27
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Literally A Person posted:You're totally right. How could we have been so blind? So disrespectful? There once was a man named Jim Turns out he was into E-Stim Shoved a probe up his cock And got quite a shock Now let’s start with a Hymn
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Aug 28, 2018 16:46
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talk for a bit about how it's good there's a closed casket, then glance over at an opportune moment and do a double take at the open casket, scream like a little girl, and then be like "oh wait, that is what he looked like normally i guess"
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Aug 28, 2018 18:10
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Break into the funeral home with a hacksaw before the set and cut the head off the body, then during the set pull the head out and throw it into the crowd and say "looks like he'll never be the HEAD of a major corporation!"
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Aug 28, 2018 18:19
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“So it begin with ferocious tiger! Tiger chase man to edge of cliff. Man fall down. Halfway down he grab onto branch. He look up! He see one hungry tiger. Now he look down. He see another hungry tiger waiting for him on ground below. Not a good place to be! He know for sure he gonna die. Then, out of corner of his eye, he see a wild strawberry growing from same branch. Well he pluck it and eat it. And it was the sweetest tasting strawberry he ever had.”
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Aug 28, 2018 23:28
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Labes for days posted:“So it begin with ferocious tiger! Tiger chase man to edge of cliff. Man fall down. Halfway down he grab onto branch. He look up! He see one hungry tiger. Now he look down. He see another hungry tiger waiting for him on ground below. Not a good place to be! He know for sure he gonna die. Then, out of corner of his eye, he see a wild strawberry growing from same branch. Well he pluck it and eat it. And it was the sweetest tasting strawberry he ever had.” Where is this actually from? I had a guy tell me this story in a weird accent (he always spoke with said accent) back in 2002, but all I could remember about it is that he ended it with “eat the shrawberries” (sic).
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Aug 28, 2018 23:39
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There was that dude who died a few years ago and wrote in his will he would like the defensive line of the Cleveland Browns as his pallbearers so they could let him down “one last time.”
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Aug 28, 2018 23:41
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burial posted:Where is this actually from? I had a guy tell me this story in a weird accent (he always spoke with said accent) back in 2002, but all I could remember about it is that he ended it with “eat the shrawberries” (sic). https://youtu.be/45hM7iAkjk8 I mean I have no idea about the story itself but op was looking for a good joke to tell at a funeral.
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Aug 28, 2018 23:42
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKgxziZMZ6Q
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Aug 28, 2018 23:57
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burial posted:Where is this actually from? I had a guy tell me this story in a weird accent (he always spoke with said accent) back in 2002, but all I could remember about it is that he ended it with “eat the shrawberries” (sic). It's a Buddhist thought exercise of sorts. You can probably Google Buddhist tiger cliff story.
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Aug 29, 2018 01:22
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Rectum? Nearly killed him!
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Aug 29, 2018 01:24
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"Jim was a guy who always seemed uptight. He was always looking for some flaw, some imperfection to complain about. He was a man who seemed to want to suck all the fun out of a room, and for most, he seemed like a burden to be around. Here was a guy who could take the smallest inconvenience and make a whole day out of bitching about it. But you know what? Now he's dead."
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Aug 29, 2018 04:29
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Imagine four caskets on the edge of a cliff...
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Aug 29, 2018 04:39
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Obsidianheart posted:"Jim was a guy who always seemed uptight. He was always looking for some flaw, some imperfection to complain about. He was a man who seemed to want to suck all the fun out of a room, and for most, he seemed like a burden to be around. Here was a guy who could take the smallest inconvenience and make a whole day out of bitching about it. But you know what? At this the widow slaps her thigh and shouts "that's Jim alright!"
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Aug 29, 2018 04:40
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Sing about bats and wink knowingly at the casket for a few minutes. Chew your lower lip as you weight down the eyelids of the corpse with arcade tokens. Ask loudly, "why did the chicken cross the road", but before anyone answers, yell "to honor this beloved lamb" to really emphasize your depth
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Aug 29, 2018 06:41
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Then have a buddy throw in a chicken from the back of the room. Not a dry eye in the house. You're the rainmaker
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Aug 29, 2018 06:42
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(alive not rotisserie)
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Aug 29, 2018 06:43
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fire a bunch of blanks (don't actually need to be blanks) at the coffin. loud noises are a punchline by themselves, I think. just ask the kids these days!
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Aug 29, 2018 07:35
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turn left hillary!! noo posted:I don't know, what about using some double entendre, like referencing "stiff" as meaning corpse, but also as meaning erect penis. yeah plus you could get in on "jimmy hat"
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Aug 29, 2018 08:12
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Just have your way with the corpse in multiple positions, finish by ripping off the head and blowing your load in the hole in the neck, spread your hands with your member still inside, and yell "THE ARISTOCRATS!" in a Gilbert Gottfried voice.
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Aug 29, 2018 08:13
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Super Grocery Kart posted:There once was a man named Jim 
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Aug 29, 2018 10:18
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Life played more jokes on him than I ever could But just for fun, we have twenty seconds before he explodes
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Aug 29, 2018 11:14
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Produce a wooden stake and hammer and tell the audience that there is only one way to be sure.
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Aug 31, 2018 16:38
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Pull out a gun and shoot the corpse multiple times, in the din of dense screams this will produce you will turn your gaze downwards, close your eyes, and speak. "At least, he can truly rest."
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Aug 31, 2018 16:42
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Sneak into the funeral home the night before the service and fill Jim's cavities with candy. Well I think you guys know how the rest of this goes.
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Aug 31, 2018 17:03
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Literally A Person posted:Sneak into the funeral home the night before the service and fill Jim's cavities with candy. The dentist looks disappointed?
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Aug 31, 2018 17:21
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Wear a clothes peg on your nose. "Jim, you didn't exactly smell like roses when you were alive, but goddamn man this is just ridiculous"
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Aug 31, 2018 17:21
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| # ? Apr 27, 2024 00:32 |
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Without a gun present these funeral attendees will not fully understand the potential immediacy of death. All funerals should have at least one firearm present to garner maximum respect for the dead.
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Aug 31, 2018 17:23
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