|
Have you got to the book of Judges yet? In order to punish the Israelites for their iniquities, God allowed them to be invaded by King Eglon of Moab. But Ehud betakes unto himself an 18" sword and surprises Eglon in his private chambers by purporting to offer it as a gift. Now, Eglon was a very fat king (note the parallels to Cao Cao and Dong Zhuo in the Three Kingdoms), and Ehud stabbed him so deep that his dagger was entirely enveloped in Eglon's fat and he couldn't take it out again. Eglon's attendants knocked at his doors, and when there was no answer, they said "Surely our King must be taking a monster poo poo," and waited for hours until they dared look in and found his corpse. So, yeah, this is perhaps the first recorded instance of fat-shaming in the Western tradition.
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 07:02
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 26, 2024 12:23 |
|
|
tip: don't read ecclesiasties when you're down 
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 07:08
|
|
|
Dont Touch ME posted:The origins of judiasm are in the cult of the israelites and featured a full pantheon of gods. Ever wonder why god tells Abraham his name is El? Its because El was the top dog of the semitic pantheon, YHWH was a god of war. Basically, god killed the son of the old god, then killed the old god and married his wife. However there came a point where god decided this wasn't enough and had the israelites purify their cult and god killed his wife, Asherah, and on top of it all had the holy text rewritten into the Torah. The end result is basically YHWH going "We're all fine here, just fine. Uhh, how are... how are you?" reading the history of the bible and god makes me wonder how there are still literalness fundamentalists these days who think every word in the bible is fact because you know they didn't read most of it if any. i mean you have people in high office jerking off hoping that if they gently caress around in the middle east enough, Jesus will blow up the world. like i can understand why the concept of god and the major faiths exist but how the gently caress can anyone be a literalist when you read this stuff.
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 07:16
|
|
|
Dapper_Swindler posted:reading the history of the bible and god makes me wonder how there are still literalness fundamentalists these days who think every word in the bible is fact because you know they didn't read most of it if any. i mean you have people in high office jerking off hoping that if they gently caress around in the middle east enough, Jesus will blow up the world. like i can understand why the concept of god and the major faiths exist but how the gently caress can anyone be a literalist when you read this stuff. Its because they don't think hard enough, or in some cases like the hasidic jews, think too hard. Remind them at every opportunity that their religion has its roots in canaanite pokémon.
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 08:07
|
|
|
Anyone that can convert water into wine is one righteous Jew.
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 08:20
|
|
|
I'm finding Jesus' conception problematic
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 08:23
|
|
|
Dapper_Swindler posted:reading the history of the bible and god makes me wonder how there are still literalness fundamentalists these days who think every word in the bible is fact because you know they didn't read most of it if any. i mean you have people in high office jerking off hoping that if they gently caress around in the middle east enough, Jesus will blow up the world. like i can understand why the concept of god and the major faiths exist but how the gently caress can anyone be a literalist when you read this stuff. Fundamentalists vote too 
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 08:30
|
|
|
I squeeze begats till my clip is spent
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 09:00
|
|
|
Let's focus on that part where Ham's daughters get him drunk on wine they some how had after escaping the destruction of Soddom and Gomorah, drunk enough for him to gently caress them and sire whole new tribe. What is symbolism and what is history here? I remember it well as the most incredulous and gross part of the old testament. There could be worse, there's plenty of weird apocrypha I haven't read. Oh yeah that part where a king wanted hundreds or thousands of Philistine foreskins. Why? What would he do with them? Also Onan, what's up with that? Why did ancient Hebrews care if a dude jizzed on the desert? Were people stepping in it?
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 09:10
|
|
|
I seem to recall reading about how the ancient Egyptians cut off the foreskin of their enemies too, it was the bronze age version of making tally with enemies' ears or noses.
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 09:19
|
|
|
What a terrible smelling world it must have been.
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 09:32
|
|
|
As a kid I read this lengthy rear end series of books that was the entire old testament illustrated for children. It was boring and I recall accidentally sneezing massive amounts of snot into multiple pages and being like "uh-oh...guess I better just close the pages and move on, lets hope no one else ever reads this book". I still remember many of those stories though and years later seemed to know much more scripture than my peers who were actually religious.
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 09:39
|
|
|
Millions of Crows posted:What a terrible smelling world it must have been. Right? The smell of someone who hasn't showered or changed clothes for a day or so is very noticeable, even in outdoor public spaces.
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 10:18
|
|
|
TheMostFrench posted:Right? The smell of someone who hasn't showered or changed clothes for a day or so is very noticeable, even in outdoor public spaces. True, but half of the Pentateuch and about 40,000 pages of the Talmud consist of instructions for making sure things are really clean or not. It's a whole religion based on OCD.
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 14:16
|
|
|
Maybe the reason the Jews started cutting off their foreskin is to take it off before their enemies could? Just: "want my foreskin? gently caress you, I've had it removed".
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 15:18
|
|
|
Dont Touch ME posted:The origins of judiasm are in the cult of the israelites and featured a full pantheon of gods. Ever wonder why god tells Abraham his name is El? Its because El was the top dog of the semitic pantheon, YHWH was a god of war. Basically, god killed the son of the old god, then killed the old god and married his wife. However there came a point where god decided this wasn't enough and had the israelites purify their cult and god killed his wife, Asherah, and on top of it all had the holy text rewritten into the Torah. The end result is basically YHWH going "We're all fine here, just fine. Uhh, how are... how are you?" Neat. I like reading about the old gods and learning where the names of Diablo bosses come from.
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 15:20
|
|
|
Grevling posted:Maybe the reason the Jews started cutting off their foreskin is to take it off before their enemies could? Just: "want my foreskin? gently caress you, I've had it removed". The Greeks also thought it was shameful to have your glans exposed and would literally tie or peg their foreskin closed when performing nude sports. I bet Abraham lost his foreskin at some point and then got sick of everyone shaming him about it so he convinced his people that god demands they remove their foreskins and that it actually signifies how cool and special they are.
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 15:46
|
|
|
I always find it funny in the Moses story everyone chooses to leave out the part where god pops out and attacks moses. God then steps off after a quick circumcision of moses son by his wife who places the foreskin on moses feet or genitals.
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 16:48
|
|
|
Did you get to the part where the whole city is banging on some dudes door insisting he throw some angels out so they can buttfuck them?
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 17:19
|
|
|
Waltzing Along posted:Did you get to the part where the whole city is banging on some dudes door insisting he throw some angels out so they can buttfuck them? That's a good lesson on the evils of homosexuality.
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 17:25
|
|
|
Otto Von Jizzmark posted:That's a good lesson on the evils of homosexuality. Don't be salty.
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 17:27
|
|
|
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 17:32
|
|
|
Burt Sexual posted:It seems wrong to read the Bible on nye? Did Jesus party? he drank so much that his blood is literally wine
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 17:52
|
|
|
Dapper_Swindler posted:reading the history of the bible and god makes me wonder how there are still literalness fundamentalists these days who think every word in the bible is fact because you know they didn't read most of it if any. i mean you have people in high office jerking off hoping that if they gently caress around in the middle east enough, Jesus will blow up the world. like i can understand why the concept of god and the major faiths exist but how the gently caress can anyone be a literalist when you read this stuff. It's because they're authoritarian assholes and they throw their weight around by using selected words of scripture to manipulate others who do what others tell them the Bible says without knowing any better or doing their own research. In other words, it's not really about the Bible; encouraging people to take the Bible literally makes them easier to be controlled by those who love having power over others. Teriyaki Koinku fucked around with this message at 19:11 on Jan 1, 2019 |
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 19:08
|
|
|
I liked the part where god sends bears to murder a bunch of kids that made fun of his favorite bald guy.
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 19:23
|
|
|
Aren't there a bunch of giants and dragons in some books that didn't end up in the catholic bible?
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 19:30
|
|
|
Otto Von Jizzmark posted:I always find it funny in the Moses story everyone chooses to leave out the part where god pops out and attacks moses. God then steps off after a quick circumcision of moses son by his wife who places the foreskin on moses feet or genitals. it is pretty causally tossed out, a one paragraph interlude in the middle of moses travelling back to egypt and then he's back on his merry way to (by design) fail to impress the pharaoh with a small repertoire of magic tricks Waltzing Along posted:Did you get to the part where the whole city is banging on some dudes door insisting he throw some angels out so they can buttfuck them? that's pretty early in genesis. the same thing more or less happens again in judges to a levite. he gallantly throws his wife out in his place, gets a good night's rest and seems surprised the following morning that she has been gang raped to death. he then cuts her body into 12 pieces to inspire the tribes of isreal to exact vengeance on the town
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 19:34
|
|
|
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4_KDf4xhU8 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxT2xdkoQFI
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 19:51
|
|
|
Grevling posted:Aren't there a bunch of giants and dragons in some books that didn't end up in the catholic bible? Those live in the center of the hollow earth. They don't bother anyone, so why should they mention them?
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 19:55
|
|
|
Grevling posted:I seem to recall reading about how the ancient Egyptians cut off the foreskin of their enemies too, it was the bronze age version of making tally with enemies' ears or noses. The ancient egyptians cut off the entire dick.
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 20:00
|
|
|
Grevling posted:Aren't there a bunch of giants and dragons in some books that didn't end up in the catholic bible? Not sure but I think they are in Catholic but not in non-Catholic, rather than vice versa. Also remember the part where God tells Ezekiel to lay on his side for hundreds of days tied down and to eat rationed bread made from certain grains, and then now there's a company called Ezekiel Bread that makes bread based on that part of the Bible as if it were just God's favorite bread recipe, instead of part of an insanely intense performance warning?
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 20:02
|
|
|
Millions of Crows posted:What a terrible smelling world it must have been. This is what I think of whenever I'm reminded of The Palace of Versaille. That place has rooms in the 100s but none of them are bathrooms. People back then would poo poo into indoor pits or under stairwells. Add all the outrageous B.O. assorted abscessed teeth/cuts, and anything else poor hygiene and germ comprehension may have provided, it makes me believe that the nose was assaulted by so much stank rear end that it did the whole "Three Stooges" theory that kept Mr. Burns alive in the Simpsons. A giant pile of foreskin probably didnt register over all the decomposing bodies and even more unimaginable rank stuff than Versailles. For instance, the instructions to wear sackcloth, ashes, not bathe, and to burn their excrement while locked into their own home. I want to make a pun about the word pew but I'm not clever enough atm
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 20:43
|
|
|
King Lazer posted:Not sure but I think they are in Catholic but not in non-Catholic, rather than vice versa. Isn't that bread pretty good? I've seen some points here in GBS that point to it being a good and healthsome bread.
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 20:58
|
|
|
Grevling posted:Isn't that bread pretty good? I've seen some points here in GBS that point to it being a good and healthsome bread. One of my priests makes bible bread for a historical type of communion. It is very tough and dry from what I can tell. I didn't taste it, though. 
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 21:18
|
|
|
There's a Taiwanese fighting game on Steam called "Fight of Gods", which is relevant because Jesus and Moses are playable characters. Santa Claus is DLC. It's actually getting an update and Switch release with some new characters (Freyja). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4qC7dcOV7Pw
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 21:32
|
|
|
Shiki Dan posted:There's a Taiwanese fighting game on Steam called "Fight of Gods", which is relevant because Jesus and Moses are playable characters. how is this not called "immortal combat"?
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 21:34
|
|
|
Shiki Dan posted:There's a Taiwanese fighting game on Steam called "Fight of Gods", which is relevant because Jesus and Moses are playable characters. does it have allah?
|
|
#
?
Jan 1, 2019 22:55
|
|
|
Grevling posted:Isn't that bread pretty good? I've seen some points here in GBS that point to it being a good and healthsome bread. I'm sure it's fine bread. It's just funny to me that they point to this Bible verse as if that's some kind of divine guidance for their company when the context is so weird. quote:3 Then take an iron pan, place it as an iron wall between you and the city and turn your face toward it. It will be under siege, and you shall besiege it. This will be a sign to the people of Israel. Verse 9 is the part they print on the package (minus the bit about lying on his side for over a year).
|
|
#
?
Jan 2, 2019 00:25
|
|
|
Breitbart Is Rightbart posted:Jesus is pretty cool and had a good message imo You know if Jesus was a real historical figure who pulled a high-stakes con and eventually died for it with the goal of mellowing people out, I think I'd have more respect for him than over the supernatural version
|
|
#
?
Jan 2, 2019 00:28
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 26, 2024 12:23 |
|
|
Judges 16 1 One day Samson went to Gaza, where he saw a prostitute. He went in to spend the night with her. 2 The people of Gaza were told, “Samson is here!” So they surrounded the place and lay in wait for him all night at the city gate. They made no move during the night, saying, “At dawn we’ll kill him.” 3 But Samson lay there only until the middle of the night. Then he got up and took hold of the doors of the city gate, together with the two posts, and tore them loose, bar and all. He lifted them to his shoulders and carried them to the top of the hill that faces Hebron. 4 Some time later, he fell in love with a woman in the Valley of Sorek whose name was Delilah. 5 The rulers of the Philistines went to her and said, “See if you can lure him into showing you the secret of his great strength and how we can overpower him so we may tie him up and subdue him. Each one of us will give you eleven hundred shekels of silver.” 6 So Delilah said to Samson, “Tell me the secret of your great strength and how you can be tied up and subdued.” 7 Samson answered her, “If anyone ties me with seven fresh bowstrings that have not been dried, I’ll become as weak as any other man.” 8 Then the rulers of the Philistines brought her seven fresh bowstrings that had not been dried, and she tied him with them. 9 With men hidden in the room, she called to him, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!” But he snapped the bowstrings as easily as a piece of string snaps when it comes close to a flame. So the secret of his strength was not discovered. 10 Then Delilah said to Samson, “You have made a fool of me; you lied to me. Come now, tell me how you can be tied.” 11 He said, “If anyone ties me securely with new ropes that have never been used, I’ll become as weak as any other man.” 12 So Delilah took new ropes and tied him with them. Then, with men hidden in the room, she called to him, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!” But he snapped the ropes off his arms as if they were threads. 13 Delilah then said to Samson, “All this time you have been making a fool of me and lying to me. Tell me how you can be tied.” He replied, “If you weave the seven braids of my head into the fabric on the loom and tighten it with the pin, I’ll become as weak as any other man.” So while he was sleeping, Delilah took the seven braids of his head, wove them into the fabric 14 and tightened it with the pin. Again she called to him, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!” He awoke from his sleep and pulled up the pin and the loom, with the fabric. 15 Then she said to him, “How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when you won’t confide in me? This is the third time you have made a fool of me and haven’t told me the secret of your great strength.” 16 With such nagging she prodded him day after day until he was sick to death of it. 17 So he told her everything. “No razor has ever been used on my head,” he said, “because I have been a Nazirite dedicated to God from my mother’s womb. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man.” 18 When Delilah saw that he had told her everything, she sent word to the rulers of the Philistines, “Come back once more; he has told me everything.” So the rulers of the Philistines returned with the silver in their hands. 19 After putting him to sleep on her lap, she called for someone to shave off the seven braids of his hair, and so began to subdue him. And his strength left him. 20 Then she called, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!” He awoke from his sleep and thought, “I’ll go out as before and shake myself free.” But he did not know that the LORD had left him. 21 Then the Philistines seized him, gouged out his eyes and took him down to Gaza. Binding him with bronze shackles, they set him to grinding grain in the prison. 22 But the hair on his head began to grow again after it had been shaved. 23 Now the rulers of the Philistines assembled to offer a great sacrifice to Dagon their god and to celebrate, saying, “Our god has delivered Samson, our enemy, into our hands.” 24 When the people saw him, they praised their god, saying, “Our god has delivered our enemy into our hands, the one who laid waste our land and multiplied our slain.” 25 While they were in high spirits, they shouted, “Bring out Samson to entertain us.” So they called Samson out of the prison, and he performed for them. When they stood him among the pillars, 26 Samson said to the servant who held his hand, “Put me where I can feel the pillars that support the temple, so that I may lean against them.” 27 Now the temple was crowded with men and women; all the rulers of the Philistines were there, and on the roof were about three thousand men and women watching Samson perform. 28 Then Samson prayed to the LORD, “Sovereign LORD, remember me. Please, God, strengthen me just once more, and let me with one blow get revenge on the Philistines for my two eyes.” 29 Then Samson reached toward the two central pillars on which the temple stood. Bracing himself against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other, 30 Samson said, “Let me die with the Philistines!” Then he pushed with all his might, and down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it. Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived. 31 Then his brothers and his father’s whole family went down to get him. They brought him back and buried him between Zorah and Eshtaol in the tomb of Manoah his father. He had led Israel twenty years. the bible.
|
|
#
?
Jan 2, 2019 00:31
|
|