• Zack Gibson and James Drake defeated Moustache Mountain (Trent Seven and Tyler Bate) to become the NXT UK Tag Team Champions.
  
• Finn Bálor (A surprise replacement for an injured Travis Banks) defeated his former trainee Jordan Devlin.
  
• Dave Mastiff defeated Eddie Dennis in a No Disqualification match.
  
• Toni Storm defeated Rhea Ripley (C) to win the NXT UK Women's Championship
  
• Pete Dunne (C) defeated Joe Coffey to retain his NXT UK Championship.
  
• WALTER made his debut, attacking Coffey post-match and having a staredown with Pete Dunne to close the show.
  

• Vince McMahon was shown arriving at the building in a limousine and being a dick to his driver. #FreshStart
  
• BRAUN! came out to the ring to talk about how Brock - who beat him clean in the middle with his move in the one-on-one title match they had - had always been scared of him and did everything he could to keep him from being in the title picture. He warned Brock that without Baron Corbin around to screw BRAUN! over, there was nothing stopping him from "getting these hands"
  
• Corbin came out and said that he was going to be there as long as he wanted, and even if that was only 5 minutes it would be longer than BRAUN! would last against Brock. BRAUN! chased Corbin backstage and beat up the Singhs when they couldn't say where Corbin went. Elias sang a song basically snitching that Corbin was hiding in Vince's limo.
  
• BRAUN! smashed up the limo and tossed out the driver, breaking the window and demanding a cowering Corbin get out. Corbin escaped and ran in terror from BRAUN! who then turned to see Vince fuming at him. BRAUN! made a rough attempt to "fix" the damage and a pissed off Vince fined him 10k, which BRAUN! claimed was worth more than the crappy limo. Vince was even more pissed off and cancelled BRAUN!'s match with Lesnar.
  
• BRAUN! flipped the limo and was escorted out by Security as Corbin laughed. #FreshStart
  
• Ronda Rousey and Sasha Banks defeated Nia JAx and Tamina in a tag match (they came back from commercial and went straight to a video advertisement for the new Glass movie). Sasha submitted Tamina. Postmatch, Ronda and Sasha got into it with Ronda trying to keep things civil and Sasha reminding her that Ronda picked her as an opponent because Sasha is the best.
  
• Backstage, various jobbers were waiting outside Vince McMahon's office to speak with him. Jerry "The King" Lawler emerged to a minor pop and he stood and watched confused as No Way Jose and his posse danced by.
  
• Sasha and Ronda were arguing backstage, kept apart by Bayley and Nattie who sent them their separate ways. Bayley and Nattie then began arguing with each other over which of their friends was to blame. The Riott Squad came over and made fun of them, and challenged them to find a third person to face them in a six-woman tag. #FreshStart
  
• The Revival were set to face Lucha House Party, upset that they kept getting screwed out of fair matches. DURING THE MATCH they went to picture-in-picture of Dasha interviewing Apollo, The B-Team, Curt Hawkins, Slater, Rhyno and ECIII (this was his debut?) about who Vince would pick to replace BRAUN! against Brock Lesnar at the Royal Rumble.
  
• The Revival unfairly defeated Lucha House Party when Gran Metalik had his foot on the rope but it was knocked off as he was being pinned. LHP were devastated, the very thought of an unfair advantage disgraceful to them.
  
• Vince told Dasha backstage he was going to make his announcement in the ring. He came out to the ring but before he could speak, John Cena came out and cut a promo about he was always the one guy that Vince would rely on, and he wanted to prove it again by beating Brock to become a 17 time Champion because he has.... RUTHLESS AGGRESSION!
  
• Drew McIntyre came out and shouted at Cena that he did NOT have ruthless aggression anymore, and demanded Vince give him the title shot. Corbin showed up and intimated that he might sue if he didn't get the title shot against Brock. Finn Balor cut him off and reminded everybody he was the only person in the ring who had been Universal Champion. When Vince pointed out just how big and beefy these other large boys were, Balor said that he could never change Vince's mind by talking, so he'd just show him. He jumped Corbin and took him down, only to get Claymore Kicked to death by Drew who then took down Cena.
  
• Vince looked at the three dudes down and the one guy still standing tall and untouched in the ring and decided the best option was a Fatal Fourway match.
  
• Jinder Mahal buttered up Vince McMahon backstage, saying he only didn't come out to ask for a title shot because he was attending to the Singh that BRAUN! killed. Vince offered him a chance to face any of the other four and take their spot if they beat him. Jinder chose Finn Balor.
  
• Bayley and Nattie's partner to face The Riott Squad was.... NIKKI CROSS!
  
• Bayley, Nattie and Nikki Cross defeated The Riott Squad. Nikki was unhinged and it ruled.
  
• Balor was walking around shirtless backstage () and passed by another new NXT call-up, Lacey Evans. Apparently all the NXT callups will be working both shows until they are assigned to a specific brand.
  
• Balor got distracted by the other Singh at the start of the match and spent the next 10 minutes getting the poo poo kicked out of him by Jinder Mahal before finally getting the upper hand and beating him to retain his spot in the Fatal Fourway.
  
• Bobby Lashley defeated Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins in a Triple Threat match to win the Intercontinental Title, helped by Lio Rush getting involved to knock Seth out of the ring and free up Lashley to hit Ambrose with the Spear and win the title. Crowd was into the match and chanting,"This is awesome!" in the final few minutes, though they seemed to be mostly behind Ambrose retaining.
  
• There was a super-weird backstage segment where a stagehand brought Alexa Bliss a coffee, knocked on her door several times and then entered only to discover she was topless (covering her breasts with a shirt) and she yelled at him to get out. This seemed completely pointless and went uncommented on by the announcers.
  
• They have been shilling the movie Glass all night to a crazy degree.
  
• Alexa Bliss came out to host A Momemt of Bliss, revealing that the Women's Tag Team Titles will be contested for at Elimination Chamber in 5 weeks. She revealed the new Tag Titles (they're really nice looking) and the only thing I can figure is that the earlier topless segment was some bizarre attempt to play on the idea of Alexa showing off her "titles"? I still have no idea why that segment happened.
  
• Alexa started to introduce her guest but was cut off as Paul Heyman introduced himself instead. He was giving a rather drawn out promo about the various contenders in the Fatal Fourway, when Otis Dozovic staggered out bellowing,"PRETTY LADY! PRETTY LADY!" at Alexa until his tag partner Tucker Knight ran out and pulled him away.
  

• Abroham Lincoln posted:

  
  

• As a confused Alexa and Heyman watched him go, the bell rang out of nowhere and it was announced the Fatal Fourway was about to start.
  
• Finn Balor defeated John Cena, Drew McIntyre and Baron Corbin to earn the title shot against Brock Lesnar at the Royal Rumble. Corbin introduced a chair late into the match but got AAed by Cena who got Claymore Kicked by Drew. Finn took out Drew with a DDT then went up and hit the Coup De Grace on Cena and pinned him clean as a sheet.
  
• Cena got on the mic and noted that Vince McMahon hadn't believed in Balor but the fans had, and now he could count Cena as one of those believes in him. He raised Balor's arm and told him to give Brock hell at the Royal Rumble. The two embraced and shook hands, while Drew sat outside the ring fuming.
  

• The show opened with Asuka and Becky facing off. Asuka told Becky that she was a little bee with no sting, and after the Rumble she won't have to worry about being in Charlotte's shadow anymore because she'll be in Asuka's.
  
• The IIconics came out and mocked them both, saying that they would win the Royal Rumble together, then go on to win the title at Wrestlemania and both of them together would be the new Smackdown Women's Champion.
  
• Becky told Asuka she'd show her what the buzz was about, and challenged either of the IIconics to get their rear end kicked by her. Peyton Royce answered the challenge. Lacey Evans was watching from backstage, standing with her back to the TV while holding a drink and looking at the screen from a deeply uncomfortable angle.
  
• Becky took WAAAAAAY too long to beat Peyton Royce before finally submitting her with the Disarmer. Asuka immediately got into the ring and ranted in Japanese as Becky gave her a death-stare. Asuka screamed at the IIconics as well. They tried to run away but Asuka hauled a terrified Billie Kay into the ring and beat her in less than a minute with the Asuka Lock, though she also made a point of showing off her own version of the Disarmer while staring right at Becky.
  
• AJ Styles music played and he came out as Becky and Asuka were facing off. AJ walked around the ring, then jumped over the barricade and walked into the crowd. After the break he was on the concourse with cheering fans (who apparently waited for their cue) and told them to eat all the hot dogs they wanted and threw out free merchandise.
  
• Daniel Bryan, wearing a hoodie, jumped AJ and they brawled into the concessions, smashing a table and leaving Bryan laying in mustard as AJ was restrainted by security.
  
• The Usos were doing a photoshoot backstage when Jimmy got a gift with a rose in it. Jey read the note which said the sender had been a naughty girl who needed to be locked up in the Uso Pentitentiary. Jimmy was delighted until he found out the note was from Mandy. Jey handed him a key to Mandy's hotel room and asked Jimmy what he was going to do. Jimmy GIVE IT TO NAOMI said GIVE IT TO NAOMI that GIVE IT TO NAOMI he GIVE IT TO NAOMI didn't GIVE IT TO NAOMI know GIVE IT TO NAOMI.
  
• Samoa Joe was walking backstage and paused to glare at ECIII who was posing in front of a mirror.
  
• Andrade "Cien" Almas (who may just be "Andrade" now) was interviewed along with Zelina Vega about his match with Rey Mysterio tonight. He said he grew up with Rey as an idol, but times are different now and he is going to beat him. Zelina guaranteed that Andrade will win the Royal Rumble.
  
• Samoa Joe attacked Mustafa Ali before their match could begin, giving him a beatdown, walking away and then coming back to beat him down some more.
  
• Sonya Deville asked Mandy Rose if it was a good idea to give her hotel room key to Jimmy Uso. Mandy said she hates Naomi and will destroy her marriage.
  
• Rey Mysterio was walking to the ring and passed Nikki Cross screaming at him from behind a fence, as is her wont.
  
• Samoa Joe did a promo about his destruction of Mustafa Ali, saying that wasn't an attack, it was a statement and declaration of how he will win his very first ever Royal Rumble match. He will treat every other competitor with the same disrespect he showed Ali, and he now considers every person who calls themselves champions to be his targets.
  
• Andrade and Rey have a very long match somewhat undercut by several commercial breaks. The match was sloppy at first but got better and better as it went along. Finally, Zelina distratected the ref as Rey was going to the top rope, giving Andrade the time to recover and hit Rey with a Hammerlock DDT from the top turnbuckle and get the pin.
  
• An Uso (Jimmy or Jey?) was shown timidly approaching Mandy Rose's hotel room.
  
• The Uso entered the room (they immediately cut to a different camera INSIDE the room) and Mandy took off her robe to reveal she was wearing lingerie that showed less than her ring gear does. The Uso declared they couldn't do this, then a cameraman ran in from the bathroom and took a bunch of photos before running out. Mandy said that this was never about Jimmy, it was about destroying Naomi's life, and those photos would do that (this was being filmed and broadcast live!). The Uso said,"My wife?" and walked out, then Mandy went as Naomi appeared in the room and attacked her. Mandy beat her rear end and left the room.
  
• MANDY BEAT HER rear end AND LEFT THE ROOM.
  
• The Miz held a birthday celebration for Shane McMahon (who is 49), with the crowd chanting Happy Birthday! to Shane. They played a video package of Shane's career, culminating in him inserting himself into the final of the Best in the World Tournament to Determine the Best in the World at Crown Jewel (now called World Cup) in Saudi Arabia and Miz's push to make them a tag team.
  
• Shane thanked Miz for the video, noted his appreciation of Miz opening up in the previous weeks about his relationship with his father and said if he couldn't tag with Andre the Giant, he was happy to have Miz as his partner at the Royal Rumble. Miz lead the crowd in singing Happy Birthday To You.
  
• The Bar showed up and talked poo poo, saying that Vince was invited but didn't show up because he doesn't give a poo poo about Shane. Shane told Sheamus to prove he was tough by fighting Miz right now, and got Miz fired up in spite of not being dressed to wrestle.
  
• The Miz defeated Sheamus after he was distracted by Shane hauling Cesaro off the ring apron and putting him through the cake and table at ringside. Sheamus began putting the boots to Miz but Shane attacked him, and Shane and Miz worked together to get Sheamus into the Skull Crushing Finale.
  
• Shane went up to the top rope and Miz put ANOTHER cake from ANOTHER table at ringside onto Sheamus, then Shane went Coast-to-Coast into Sheamus. They rubbed cake in Sheamus' face, then shook hands and held up the World Cup trophy together. Miz looked like he was in heaven.
  
• Rey/Andrade should have main-evented.
  

Jerusalem fucked around with this message at 04:00 on Jan 16, 2019