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Anyone in the market for two virgins of noble birth? I picked them up during an attack on the neighbouring kingdom and there's something wrong with them. They won't cooperate with my magics, won't cook, locked me out of my chambers and they're just like, really mean. I explained my quest to rule the twelve kingdoms and now they won't shut up about the rule of Patri (who the gently caress is this?) even after I explained I preferred a Magocracy centered government, obviously.
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Mar 5, 2019 17:31
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The White Dragon posted:btw i figured out how to bend the aether to mimic the action of galahad's generous growth without any of the boring component-gathering or geometric poo poo. So does the generous growth work on anything or just plants? Asking for my shriveled husk of a cock.
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Mar 6, 2019 06:18
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WITCHCRAFT posted:The reindeer people have been doing some kind of end of winter/spring reincarnation holiday. I mean, I totally understand how exciting the end of winter is, especially this far north. It means a lot to me too, as a druid. I may not plow a field or hunt beasts for their flesh, but my arts wither in the cold months. You can't help but get excited when the thaw begins. Sell them to the fat man of the North.
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Mar 6, 2019 14:04
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Kidnapping a princess and turning her into a phylactery is a pro tier move imo. She gets rescued, the hero married her yada yada and a five generations later someone figures out they'd have to kill off the entire Royal line of several kingdoms to take you out once and for all you.
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Mar 6, 2019 21:33
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Skypie posted:Never, and I mean never, underestimate the brutality of a peasant-led religious inquisition Hahaha. *also bastards of dozens of chambermaids, footmen, whores etc etc.
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Mar 6, 2019 23:42
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reignofevil posted:Don't gently caress with me I'll bind your soul to a shoe. Who let the gnome in? I thought we had standards.
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Mar 7, 2019 03:45
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Colonel Cancer posted:Liches are such dorks. All you need is a tiny prick on your neck, and immortality is yours as a powerful vampire. Sounds legit, I'm not going to question our resident expert on tiny picks.
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Mar 7, 2019 16:00
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sweet geek swag posted:So remember the demon prince who I drove from his own layer of the Abyss and enslaved to mind flayers? Well he came back. So I dropped him through a portal into the Far Realm. But he killed a lot of Mind Flayers when he escaped. Like thousands of them. So you're saying there's a mindflayer realm up for grabs?
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Mar 7, 2019 19:47
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reignofevil posted:Well guys it happened. All my soul pieces tracked down and released from those drat fishermen. I'm blasting around on a reanimated dragon just bathing the land in necrotic dragon flame screaming about world domination and eternal power when next thing you know I've got a black arrow sticking through my eye socket and next thing I know my whole plot was undone by a magic teapot or some poo poo. That sounds like a nice vacation from this terrible hell world. Got room for another sarcophagus in there? 
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Mar 9, 2019 03:56
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Alan Smithee posted:is it necrophilia if im a necromancer and i animate a skeleton to ride me Are you a lich? Then no. E: actually yes it's still necrophilia, just less deeply unsettling. Also, that wasnt what she meant by 'over my dead body'
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Mar 13, 2019 20:31
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"This stick chafes like a bitch and I loving hate crows. When I grow up I'm gonna be a cowherd."
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Mar 18, 2019 07:01
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naem posted:oh hey it’s my ex That's a shame, if you're still on speaking terms coukd you introduce me to her rider?
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Mar 20, 2019 02:09
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The White Dragon posted:the death knight is the armor is riding the girl and the horse idiot Oops. My bad. Even so I'd like to get into those greaves if you know what I mean.
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Mar 22, 2019 16:39
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I summoned a couple of imps to tidy up around the shop and the fuckers ran off and started breeding in the swamp and they've mutated waaaaay beyond what the manual said they would. I need the local druids for reagents and they're really pissed, banned me from pot luck night and everything. Something about ecosystem collapse? Do I put a bounty on them and risk adventurers finding out what I'm really up to?
Outrail fucked around with this message at 05:05 on Apr 22, 2019 |
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Apr 22, 2019 05:02
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I refuse to use slimes, worse than imps imo.
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Apr 22, 2019 23:04
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My degenerate roommate at Wizzzard U thought it'd be a great idea to make a flesh golem for 'personal use'. Worst year of my life.
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Apr 23, 2019 00:40
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Resting Lich Face posted:Futa Homonculus would be a good username. Great username/thread combo btw
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Apr 23, 2019 03:20
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naem posted:gguuuuuAAAAAggggck ugh, yuck, wow sorry guys, bleah Um, there's no good in anyone and you got plunked by a third level blindness spell you idiot. You fool. You complete ninny.
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Jun 9, 2019 19:50
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Jon Joe posted:Recently I casted a spell to make me incredibly lucky but I think something went wrong. Slam your dick in a door. If you get hurt you cursed yourself and if you don't then I don't know, blind luck with some sort of temporal butterfly effect going on in the background?
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Jun 9, 2019 21:47
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Hihohe posted:See this is evil. You guys are evil. Mortals dont understand the immortal soul and its worth. You might as well be loan sharks. So I went to a republican convention and came home with a sackful of black shriveled souls. Can I assume using these for dark rites and poo poo is cool? I mean they're already defective.
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Jun 10, 2019 08:00
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Polymorph your hand into a pretty lady/man/ladyman/manlady as per preference is a pro tier move. Having a soul linked minion who's life is bound to you and can't let you die is pretty handy.
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Jun 19, 2019 03:47
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Anyone know a transmute blood to blood with a 0.1% alcohol content? Asking for me, I don't have time to drink.
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Jun 20, 2019 00:39
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naem posted:i’m not sure that would work, you’d just grow like a dozen ice trolls and feeding those guys gets expensive fast Bam, more clone problems.
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Jun 21, 2019 00:42
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super sweet best pal posted:Used to be you'd have a deep personal connection to your phylactery. That's why so many oldschool liches used icons from the religions they abandoned. Opsec is important but when you take the emotional bond out of the equation you seriously hamstring your undead development. Sure, putting your soul inside a swarm of angry bees, then shoving them inside a golem in the center of a labyrinth and using dimensional fuckery to hide it inside a dead battery in a garbage dump inside a rabbit living in a log inside a huge bear inside a songbird is harder to catch, but it'll make you a lot weaker unless you were a beekeeper in your spare time because you genuinely loved tending bees and not just because you needed somewhere to stuff your soul and were trying to force an emotional bond. My phylactery is a buttplug.
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Jun 21, 2019 01:32
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Colonel Cancer posted:Wizards are stupid nerds and you know it. For just a humble fee (disclosed after contract), you too can have the magic flowing through your veins, with no dusty grimoires or extracurricular classes! Just one little prick and you'll be mighty sorcerer. Yeah no dice we've all been warned about your little prick.
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Jun 21, 2019 17:09
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clockwork chaos posted:So, i was looking into my union contract and I noticed it doesn't cover life insurance. So that led me to my next thought - whats the best way for a mostly nonmagical aquatic elf to gain extra longevity? Been looking at vampirism, but not sure how sunlight interacts with water or if water itself might be a detriment. Splice yourself with a water bear.
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Jun 21, 2019 17:26
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Carving wood into bone shapes, painting them white and animating them? A months work. The wails of dispair and disbelief when the clerics fail to turn simple undead skeletons as the horde of furniture sacks their temple? Priceless.
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Jun 22, 2019 03:45
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Really hosed things up. I thought I'd be clever and use an ancient merman artifact to embue an entire species as my phylactary but guys it was a mistake. I'm now aware of every single one of them. At any one time there's at least 40 dolphins loving something, usually an unhappy whale's blowhole or a dead fish or an old boat and I can't get anything done. I'm sitting with all my treasure and artifacts under the second of seven seven sided pyramids of the pale God of Stars and Sea on the eastern desert and you can have it all if you kill me and boil off the Ocean of Tears with every single one of those goddamn grinning dickheads.
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Jul 21, 2019 08:25
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gently caress that hippy bullshit just kill me please.
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Jul 21, 2019 08:50
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A Fancy Hat posted:Has anyone ever built and maintained an underwater section of their castle before? Toss in an aquatic ooze or two and it'll hoover up and dissolve everything organic. They're practically invisible so no one will see it until they're engulfed. Your smaller pets will learn to avoid it via Darwinian selection. Just make sure it can't slop its way into the upper levels.
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Jul 23, 2019 00:40
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reignofevil posted:FINALLY got my throne room chronologically locked but now every time history gets changed I'm the only one who remembers how it used to be! It turns out all of our bathrooms have been shifting in time and space for eternity and my memory was just being updated as per the timeline shift! Just piss out the window you goober.
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Jul 27, 2019 01:59
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super sweet best pal posted:What if that makes the window disappear? I think the correct solution is to piss up a rope. Just tie a rope outside somewhere and piss up it. Then when it warps somewhere, like the edge of a cliff, someone's going to try climbing it and discover they're climbing a rope that's been saturated with pee. Piss on people you don't like and watch them disappear into the timestream. Probably get run over by a confused mage and his inappropriately young partner driving a horseless carriage. Congrats, you're a piss wizzzard.
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Jul 27, 2019 06:00
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Foul Ole Ron posted:Though loyal, they are incredibly unionised. So basically smarter than most of your standard minions.
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Jul 27, 2019 19:47
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sweet geek swag posted:Igors are mad scientist minions, not wizard minions. All their good minion bonuses are in things that are useless to wizards. What wizard doesn't need easy access to lightning and a steady supply of corpses??
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Jul 27, 2019 23:35
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super sweet best pal posted:Wrenches might have more heft when they run out of magic and you need a bludgeon but they're tacky when it comes to casting. People go on about casting with wands but a wrench is great for hex bolts.
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Jul 28, 2019 18:15
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Just change your name/face/aura and move to a new city.
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Jul 29, 2019 14:49
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super sweet best pal posted:There's this one customer at the potion shop who keeps insisting his potions are only giving +3.9999999 to his stats instead of +4 and I can't deal anymore. Anyone near Wyvernport with a dungeon for level 5 adventurers who'd be willing to summon something way above that to gank this guy after I send him your way? Sell him some cyanide instead, if he's a local noone will have a problem.
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Aug 2, 2019 13:15
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super sweet best pal posted:Moving to the city and not being my own boss anymore means I can't just poison problem customers and have their deaths explained away by the perils of the wood. Might have to try the Guild of Assassins. I'm just saying he sounds like a dick and probably spends most of his spare time tying up constabulary and court time. 'Yes officer, I put poison in his potion because I wanted him dead. To clarify; I murdered him' might make you some friends.
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Aug 2, 2019 14:40
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Colonel Cancer posted:That's just a storm giant skeleton, what's the big deal? I'm more concerned with the flying metallic automaton, that poo poo ain't right. Yes yes, we've all heard about your nanobone.
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Aug 22, 2019 01:40
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Colonel Cancer posted:You will be the first in line when i release my nanoskeleton swarm upon the world! You will rue the day! What is this? A day for ants?
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Aug 22, 2019 02:02
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