- cda
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by Hand Knit
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this bullet brought to you by mattress warehouse
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Apr 7, 2019 21:58
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- Adbot
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ADBOT LOVES YOU
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Apr 27, 2024 06:02
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- canyoneer
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I only have canyoneyes for you
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ninja wearing a black catsuit with giant white lettering on the front reading FLY EMIRATES
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Apr 15, 2019 20:17
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- google THIS
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An assassin garrotes his victim, then cracks open an ice cold bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch to celebrate.
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Apr 15, 2019 22:44
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- google THIS
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HOW'S MY SHOOTING?
CALL 1-800-GET-DEDR
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Apr 16, 2019 01:27
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- vanisher
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An assassin garrotes his victim, then cracks open an ice cold bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch to celebrate.
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Apr 16, 2019 01:32
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- Macnult
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‘wind is gonna pick back up soon. take the shot’
‘not yet’
‘are you kidding? you’re perfectly lined up, just do it’
‘exactly’
‘what??’
[pink mist forms the Nike swoosh]
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Apr 16, 2019 01:41
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- FutonForensic
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Hi, I'm Roman Mars, and this episode of 99% Invisible is brought to you by mMMMMPH (suffocated by a pair of 92% MicroModal® 8% elastane boxer briefs pulled over his head. yes, the MeUndies killer strikes again (coupon code "YOURENEXT" at meundies.com))
 
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Apr 16, 2019 01:46
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- google THIS
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Some hit men will give you a discount if you let them put their sign in your yard.
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Apr 16, 2019 02:12
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- Jellidelic
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working for popeyes and leaving buckets of kfc in my targets arms
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Apr 16, 2019 02:17
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- FreshCutFries
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I experienced a whiplash of emotion when I discovered the consulate's dead body. first, nausea, at the sight of his bullet ridden corpse. second, hunger, at the realization all the bullet holes spelled out "im lovin it"
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Apr 16, 2019 02:34
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- FutonForensic
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The show Hannibal but he orders Blue Apron
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Apr 16, 2019 02:45
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- FreshCutFries
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assassin breaking down his advertisement packages to prospective buyers: custom gun skin using your brands colors, selecting the code name he commits murder under, hanging the body by your brands billboard to be discovered and photographed, arranging for your brands mascot to be on the scene of the murder (mascot heroically attempting to revive target extra)
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Apr 16, 2019 02:46
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- FreshCutFries
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assassin running after buyers who are leaving disgusted, making his last pitches: he is "accidentally" caught by a camera in one of the brands stores fleeing from the scene (possibly stopping the flight to purchase something because the product is just that good), he comes up with a creative way to eliminate the mark WITH the product (making sure to leave a note explaining it was very difficult to do and that the product is only dangerous in the hands of trained killers)
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Apr 16, 2019 02:55
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- Korean Boomhauer
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i have a groupon for 3 targets for the price of 2 but it expires today!!!!
 
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#
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Apr 17, 2019 02:05
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- google THIS
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i have a groupon for 3 targets for the price of 2 but it expires today!!!!
Act now, and this deal won't be the only thing expiring today!
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Apr 17, 2019 03:01
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- canyoneer
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I only have canyoneyes for you
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hard-boiled detective scowls while peeking under the sheet over the body on the street.
a large J J is carved into the victim's chest.
"fifth one this week, what a waste."
adds the final punch to his punchcard for a free sub at jimmy john's.
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Apr 17, 2019 16:10
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- Karate Bastard
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Damnit Carl you can't polish that granite flooring to such a high sheen at the top of the stairs using Turtle Wax (tm) or people might slip and hurt themselves
[zoom to Carl's face] *sinister smile* *eyebrow raise*
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Apr 17, 2019 19:29
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- google THIS
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(A man is lying on the ground, clutching his chest and of course bleeding from the corner of his mouth after being shot by an assassin. Suddenly there is a bright light, and a woman dressed all in white approaches him)
Man: Are...are you an angel?
Flo: No, Frank, but I am here to to give you some good news. Luckily you bundled your life insurance with Progressive. You saved a bundle and now your beneficiaries will get a bundle! So even though somebody obviously hates you, Frank, at least your kids won't!
(They both give the camera a thumbs up, then Frank closes his eyes and goes limp)
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Apr 17, 2019 19:46
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- Luvcow
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One day nearer spring
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looking through the local newspaper and seeing an article on another high profile homicide that occurred yesterday in my neighborhood, "honey! get the kids! it's $5 all you can eat at denny's tonight!"
wife comes running into the room jumping up and down and clapping excitedly, "there was another murder!?"
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Apr 17, 2019 20:24
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- lol but
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body is a dinosaur
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used to be murdering a man for money meant something but now it is all ganking some rando to promote an ICO. what is it even about anymore, man?
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Apr 17, 2019 20:34
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- google THIS
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Now there's an Indy hipster hit man underground trying to rage against the corporate machine. You can always tell because they leave a growler from a local brewery at the scene.
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Apr 17, 2019 20:49
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- Karate Bastard
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Detectives frowning hard over a pinboard -almost- outlining the Dr Pepper logo.
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Apr 17, 2019 20:56
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- lol but
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body is a dinosaur
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iceman mike would do a job for travel + beer money. it wasn't about getting rich with the old timers. it was about love of the game
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Apr 17, 2019 21:01
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- Luvcow
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One day nearer spring
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i pull out my new craftsman® brand bone saw, all of my accomplices ooh and ahh, "you guys can take this one when we're done, they send me a new one for every job"
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Apr 17, 2019 21:08
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- Korean Boomhauer
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subscribe to my paintreon and every month i will bust the kneecaps of your given target.
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Apr 17, 2019 21:41
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- cda
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by Hand Knit
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looking through the local newspaper and seeing an article on another high profile homicide that occurred yesterday in my neighborhood, "honey! get the kids! it's $5 all you can eat at denny's tonight!"
wife comes running into the room jumping up and down and clapping excitedly, "there was another murder!?"
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Apr 17, 2019 21:51
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- Peg Sliderskew
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Sponsored assassin, but the sort where you go around badgering your friends and neighbours to give you a set amount of money per corpse and record it on an increasingly grubby and crumpled form.
Courtesy of Manifisto
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Apr 17, 2019 22:20
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- lol but
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body is a dinosaur
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multi-level murderin'
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Apr 17, 2019 22:21
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- google THIS
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Yes, would you like to donate to my Take a Life to Save a Life campaign? You can support my pledge to commit ten murders over the next two weeks. All proceeds go to the American Heart Association.
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Apr 17, 2019 22:42
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- cda
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by Hand Knit
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Apr 17, 2019 22:49
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- Drink-Mix Man
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You are an odd fellow, but I must say... you throw a swell shindig.
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A$$a$$in more like it, what a sell out
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Apr 17, 2019 23:03
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- Stoner Sloth
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relisting my freelance add on assassinlist.com to bring it back to the top page, trying to compete with this huge instream of corporate sponsored assassins.
perhaps try rebranding as a botique, fair trade, ethical assassin to capture the niche market?
   
       
  
 
   
sigs by the awesome Manifisto, Vanisher, City of Glompton, Pot Smoke Phoenix, Nut, Heather Papps,Prof Crocodile, knuthgrush, Ohtori Akio, Teapot, Saosyhant, Dumb Sex Parrot, w4ddl3d33, and nesamdoom!! - ty friends!
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Apr 18, 2019 15:09
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- google THIS
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We only use organic non-GMO poisons, sustainably sourced from small, local farms. Hand-picked at the peak of ripeness, coldpressed, and never tested on animals, this is an elixir of death with a conscience that you'll be proud to share.
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Apr 18, 2019 16:18
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- Karate Bastard
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Dazzle camo of competing burger chain and fragrance manufacturer logos
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#
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Apr 18, 2019 18:15
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- Adbot
-
ADBOT LOVES YOU
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#
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Apr 27, 2024 06:02
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- cda
-
by Hand Knit
|
my new website is goign to be the etsy of assassinations
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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!
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Apr 18, 2019 18:47
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Apr 7, 2019 21:58
