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it has been too long. please, come in. pardon the dust, ive just come home from abroad, you see. years ago i attempted to pierce the veil, to uncover the mysteries of the past, present and future. unfortunately I forgot to pack my veil-piercing gear and ended up trapped in a morass of glib, uninspired charlatans with penchants for vague, meandering prose that rubbed off on me like a bad rash. however, during my eighth twaxing with cleo and the wizard, I had a profound vision of truth. on the television was an advertisement for a device, and one unpaid credit card payment of $899.99 later, I was the proud owner of the most accurate fortune telling device on Earth. unfortunately they don't tell you it has to be used daily or it breaks, and over the last six months, ive lost every friend and family member after daily fortunes drove them mad, or at least annoyed that I keep getting inside their homes with the (admittedly) very loud, very large device. so ive come to you. let me tell your accurate fortunes so that I can keep this thing working long enough for someone to buy it on craigslist. also, please ignore the yelling. once the machine is turned on, anything lower than 82 decibels is inaudible. |
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Apr 30, 2019 20:12
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fortune favors the bold LAY IT ON ME
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Apr 30, 2019 20:19
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i would like to pay for your services with this one (1) banana
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Apr 30, 2019 20:34
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yeah okay, in stories and fables getting your fortune told literally never backfires
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Apr 30, 2019 20:38
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i already know my future, so i'm just participating to check whether your machine is properly calibrated
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Apr 30, 2019 20:40
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prepuce repurposed posted:fortune favors the bold harusp.exe posted:the swarthy tug boat captain of your conscious mind has trolled into murky waters. beware those who sell and buy, for both will lie, softly and without mercy. you must be on your guard, ever vigilant against the injustice of the world. make sure to check the seals on your drinks before purchase, and eye your coolant levels. |
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Apr 30, 2019 20:49
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Luvcow posted:i would like to pay for your services with this one (1) banana harusp.exe posted:this week will be a breeze. a humid breeze on a hot day. be sure to stay hydrated and watch your sodium intake. stay vigilant against the languorous whims of the internal jabba and try to eat a carrot or bell pepper while doing a walking. eye contact is your friend and a wet handshake is your signature. |
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Apr 30, 2019 21:00
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ok going to keep a carrot and/or a bell pepper in my pocket and make sure my hands stay moist and clammy, thank you |
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Apr 30, 2019 21:02
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Manifisto posted:yeah okay, in stories and fables getting your fortune told literally never backfires harusp.exe posted:the spirits of your distant ancestry have bet against you and your success. prove them wrong with vigilance and wit. take care to push yourself in a new direction, lest the barrow of your soul grow cold and dark in the flotsam of neoteny. impermanence is your siren song. |
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Apr 30, 2019 21:18
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hmm yes I always had this vague fantasy of quitting my fortune 500 ceo position to join the circus, I'm glad the stars endorse this otherwise risky move I'm thinking something in the "geek" category, for example I could eat inedible or gross things, which seems to tie in with my power phrase
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Apr 30, 2019 21:22
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cda posted:i already know my future, so i'm just participating to check whether your machine is properly calibrated harusp.exe posted:bravery in the face of the mundane, a quality your peers attempt to admire. make sure not to let them down again this week by actually cleaning your bedroom and doing the dishes. be wary of those seeking a favor, as they will be critical of your performance. pursue the meal of your dreams at a price within your means. tonight: youtube recommends. |
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Apr 30, 2019 21:25
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Hello good sir, I can't pay but I'd like to rob you for my fortune anyways.
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Apr 30, 2019 21:59
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Luvcow posted:ok going to keep a carrot and/or a bell pepper in my pocket and make sure my hands stay moist and clammy, thank you is that a carrot in your pocket or????
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Apr 30, 2019 22:02
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take me away, calgon 
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Apr 30, 2019 22:03
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Goons Are Great posted:Hello good sir, I can't pay but I'd like to rob you for my fortune anyways. harusp.exe posted:they say there is safety in numbers, but just who are they anyway, and how many of them are there? beware the mob, uninformed and pedantic, as they hold your fate in sway. this week, be as the eel: indiscriminate and chaotic. only time will expose your sixteen-hit combo as the catagory killer it really is. |
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Apr 30, 2019 22:12
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Delineate my doom señor. |
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Apr 30, 2019 23:29
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I like those odds! *is rolled off to a home* |
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Apr 30, 2019 23:53
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Karate Bastard posted:Delineate my doom señor. harusp.exe posted:like a whale surfacing for air, you are drawn towards the inevitable. to abate the ravages of daily life, take time out of your routine for meditation and astral projection. the doctors agree, you have no qi, but what lies in it's place is much more terrifying. |
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May 1, 2019 00:05
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Nosfereefer posted:I like those odds! *is rolled off to a home* harusp.exe posted:the myriad dimensions of time and space have aligned over your circumstances. take advantage of these fortunate times by taking some risks in love and profit. your future subconscious will forget to thank you. remember to bring your umbrella. |
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May 1, 2019 00:55
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please tell my fortune, like one of your ancient Greek seamen!
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May 1, 2019 01:05
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Stoner Sloth posted:please tell my fortune, like one of your ancient Greek seamen! harusp.exe posted:while contemplating the dust mote, remind yourself that although time is meaningless, self care is not. try a gentle exfoliating facial scrub next time you're in the shower. the demon living in your pores will thank you. remember: snails can become homeless, but the french don't eat slugs. |
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May 1, 2019 01:18
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lol these are all very good
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May 1, 2019 01:47
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i want a precisely 86% accurate future please |
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May 1, 2019 01:48
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my future is a horrific, unbearable nightmare. come, wade into my deep waters, op
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May 1, 2019 01:52
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Manifisto posted:lol  and thank you awesome BYOB soothsayer bacalou!
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May 1, 2019 02:11
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Stoner Sloth posted:
to be clear i know nothing about saying sooths or telling truths and merely connect the device up to my cell phone telephone
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May 1, 2019 02:14
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it is basically a mini-fridge made of imitation wood paneling and aluminum. a super loud klaxon sounds off for like 3 minutes each time i make it do a fortune.
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May 1, 2019 02:18
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it is so loud
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May 1, 2019 02:21
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Thingyman posted:i want a precisely 86% accurate future please harusp.exe posted:seldom does the butterfly return to a caterpillar, so too is your past forever behind you. keep this in mind the next time you forget an entire uneventful day that passed several years back. new socks would be a good idea. bacalou fucked around with this message at 02:45 on May 1, 2019 |
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May 1, 2019 02:36
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GODSPEED JOHN GLENN posted:my future is a horrific, unbearable nightmare. come, wade into my deep waters, op harusp.exe posted:slowly, ever so slowly they made their way into your life. what was life like before? can you even remember, or do you just imagine? will the silence of the lake ever hold you again? yes, consumer, yes, yes, and yes. tomorrow morning: buy a new pen, your signature will be required. |
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May 1, 2019 02:44
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May 1, 2019 03:51
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May 1, 2019 04:11
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hello yes I would like my fortune told |
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May 1, 2019 04:12
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so true
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May 1, 2019 04:20
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Macnult posted:hello yes I would like my fortune told harusp.exe posted:the soft spring air has worked it's way into your dreams. like a cicada, you are about to come alive. remember to wear adequate climbing gear when, shedding your outer carapace, you attach yourself to a suitable tree and begin screaming for hours and hours on end. keep in mind that green really accentuates your piercing, hollow gaze. bacalou fucked around with this message at 06:10 on May 1, 2019 |
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May 1, 2019 05:28
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Is this a one-time offer or can we get another fortune if we don't like our current one? I still have the receipt!
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May 1, 2019 12:56
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Goons Are Great posted:Is this a one-time offer or can we get another fortune if we don't like our current one? 
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May 1, 2019 15:57
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just want to report that in a completely unexpected turn of events i was in the right place at the right time with a red bell pepper in my pocket and i could not be more thankful for the fortune advice i was given 5/5 stars Did you find this comment useful? yes___ no___ |
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May 1, 2019 16:08
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my vandalism ritual needs tweaking, it's very fiddly lighting incense in bad weather and the goats draw a bit more attention than I'd like
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May 1, 2019 16:27
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Manifisto posted:my vandalism ritual needs tweaking, it's very fiddly lighting incense in bad weather and the goats draw a bit more attention than I'd like i got some 'legally acquired' tickets to a ritual vandalism master class going real cheap if you want 'em.
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May 1, 2019 16:35
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