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don’t blame other people for your personal failures, op. that’s what psycho parents do. turn off your monitor every now and then and take responsibility for what you see there. that’s the only way to break the cycle
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Feb 19, 2024 19:14
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Vampire Panties posted:One of the absolute most aggravating things about my personal relationships is that my friends/people I've dated have never taken my warnings about my parents seriously About 8 months ago I broke up with someone that I had been with for almost 8 years, because she came from a physically abusive household and was incapable of understanding why a neglectful/emotionally void household with mentally ill parents was also a bad thing. Felt pretty lovely for a while but now that I'm no longer living in that shadow it feels pretty drat good. It's extremely stressful having a bunch of trauma in your past that people don't take seriously deep dish peat moss fucked around with this message at 19:28 on Feb 19, 2024 |
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Feb 19, 2024 19:16
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I've been through both, and then extreme control, they're all horrible in their own ways, and none of this poo poo is a competition.
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Feb 19, 2024 22:09
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Yeahhhh. Sometimes traumatized folks can actually be harder on each other than anyone else because of projecting, it can be rough. Seeing someone else appear vulnerable can make them go harder because they're seeing their younger selves and being unkind in reflex. It's self-hate projected outwards and it's a bummer bc it can lead to triggering each other and things kinda devolving.
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Feb 19, 2024 22:30
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The Saucer Hovers posted:boy howdy do i feel this Ugh this. There's this pervasive social Thing that anyone who has cut off their family is actually someone who is just unable to resolve differences and so when people hear it, their idea of you kinda sinks down and they instantly lose a measure of respect for you. And the only thing you can do is keep on keeping on and maybe one day they get a chance to see the poo poo show for themselves and adjust their estimation of you. But often they don't and you're just That Person Who Hates Their Family and that's all they know and they doooooo not respect you for it. Family is a big deal to a lot of people, and if it's not to you then that can set off red flags to them. Because of this, I basically do not mention family at all unless directly asked, and then I keep it super vague. I don't need every Tom, Dick, and Harry mentally auditing whose fault they think the family split was based on my responses to some small talk. Especially since they usually come from normal families and often just look at it like this puzzle to be solved. StrangersInTheNight fucked around with this message at 22:40 on Feb 19, 2024 |
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Feb 19, 2024 22:35
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The Saucer Hovers posted:boy howdy do i feel this I feel this Them: "why not? They're inviting us to dinner. I've barely ever gotten to talk to them. It can't be that bad. I'm sure it'll be fine" *one evening later* Them, with a thousand yard stare: "Please don't ever invite them over. They don't know this address, right?"
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Feb 19, 2024 23:30
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StrangersInTheNight posted:Because of this, I basically do not mention family at all 
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Feb 20, 2024 00:55
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Barely anyone I know in real life knows the family drama I've gone through, or any real details of my past. I keep it all to myself and off my socials, and it rarely feels right to bring it up in person just because of how bad it all was. A few friends know, shortly after my huge blow up in 2018 when I started distancing myself for the second time, I requested a friends night out to trauma dump about dark poo poo, and a few met me in a coffee shop to let me vent my whole heart out. I've got a couple other friends who I know went through similar and have been comfortable to open up to. Way back when I first met my now in-laws, they had a hard time accepting that I was no contact with my dad, and then pretty soon also cut off my mom. Now they fully support it, because the details have come out throughout the years. But it's always disheartening to be told you're making a mistake when you're trying to escape abuse.
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Feb 20, 2024 05:16
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SulfurMonoxideCute posted:and none of this poo poo is a competition. This. My personal issues and trauma etc. pale into petty insignificance compared to others recounted here. They are also a lot bigger and more current than some I have heard. gently caress it. They still hurt and they still mess me up. And I am not a better person because they are bigger/smaller than other peoples It's not a competition. Your pain is valid to you, whether or not it is bigger or smaller than somebody elses pain. The "oppression olympics" and affiliated events are hosed up bullshit that only losers play.
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Feb 20, 2024 07:14
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Yep. And that people often manifest very similar reactions to kinds of trauma considered very different in type and severity is probably something to take a lesson from.
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Feb 20, 2024 07:25
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Right as I thought my therapist was convinced my parents are unredeemable, she reacted to them acting quite civil when they helped me move with "See? They do love you!" I swear I don't know what her problem is.
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Feb 20, 2024 23:23
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AceOfFlames posted:Right as I thought my therapist was convinced my parents are unredeemable, she reacted to them acting quite civil when they helped me move with "See? They do love you!" Abusers know exactly who to be kind and civil to, and who they actually want to target for abuse. If your therapist is falling for it without questioning it in the least, they're probably not the therapist you need to be seeing.
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Feb 20, 2024 23:33
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One thing I really struggle with as a result of the systemic undermining of my trust in myself is painful, intractable, chronic indecision. I’ll have like 4 or 5 things I can’t decide if I should do or not grinding around in my head and no idea about how to resolve them or even go about figuring out whether they’re something I should pursue or not etc etc. It can get really paralysingly painful to the point where I’ll have to go lay down in a dark room for a bit to cool my brain down. Anyone got any advice on how to make good decisions etc or how to resolve indecision? How to discard options without the mind picking them up again like a dog with a chew toy? Can’t afford therapy or the like before anyone suggests the obvious
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Feb 21, 2024 00:13
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Minotaurus Rex posted:One thing I really struggle with as a result of the systemic undermining of my trust in myself is painful, intractable, chronic indecision. I’ll have like 4 or 5 things I can’t decide if I should do or not grinding around in my head and no idea about how to resolve them or even go about figuring out whether they’re something I should pursue or not etc etc. Flip a coin. Heads for option A, tails for option B. Then actually do what you decided that the coin flip result would tell you what to do. Hold yourself accountable. That's one thing done. Simple poo poo like that can go a long way if you're willing to suspend your incredulity toward implementing really basic, almost child-like decisionmaking tools. If you're overcomplicating the decisionmaking process and can't unravel yourself from the tangles of that indecision, then it's time to defer that decisionmaking process to something else entirely; an objective tool. ADHD literature talks a lot about option/choice/analysis paralysis. You might benefit from reading up on this topic.
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Feb 21, 2024 00:22
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I already do that by throwing the I Ching over and over in an obsessive way in an effort to get some kind of perspective. I have a genuine problem with using the I Ching compulsively. Don’t think I’ve made many decisions at all without consulting it for well over a decade. But if anything these days it tends to just dig me into the paralysis further because I throw it over and over. Stupid loving brain! This may also be a problem if there being just too many different options for possible actions in the world, but not sure there’s much of a way to resolve that dilemma. *Sigh*, feeling so crazy
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Feb 21, 2024 00:39
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Anyone know what the run of play is as narcissistic parents get older? Am I right in thinking that as they become more obviously insane some people they turned against you might soften their opinions? I know it’s never wise to hope for anything in this predicament, but I sure do miss my younger sister who my dearest mother poisoned against me somehow by the usual tactic of triangulating all communication between us…
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Feb 21, 2024 13:33
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Rabbit Hill posted:My dad, who for 5+ years has mercifully lived 2,000 miles away, called me last night and told me he was planning to move to my area. Then, before I could recover from hearing that news, he asked me if there were any vacancies in my apartment building. Hey, thread. Funny story about this haha  I thought I was handling this convo with my dad pretty well, and I had a talk with my therapist about it, who affirmed that I didn't have to help my dad find a place to live near me, or even see him. In hindsight, the bad feelings started then. Then over the weekend, I had my first ever experience of getting trauma-triggered by reading a work of fiction (in this case, uhhhh, fan fiction -- I know, I know). For the past five days, I've had intermittent bouts of uncontrollable crying, feeling like absolute poo poo, hopeless, etc. My question for you all is: what are some healthy and helpful ways that you soothe yourselves when you're directly experiencing a family-trauma flare-up? Like not Big Picture things, but immediate things, like when it's in the middle of the night and you're unable to sleep because of these feelings? Rabbit Hill fucked around with this message at 14:42 on Feb 21, 2024 |
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Feb 21, 2024 14:40
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healthy and helpful? uhhh, I mostly just think about that one Perry Bible Fellowship comic https://pbfcomics.com/comics/happy-brothers/
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Feb 21, 2024 16:04
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Rabbit Hill posted:Hey, thread. Funny story about this haha weed is sweet nectar from the gods in this scenario. exercise is also good as a healthier option. both work together quite well if it’s really bad. a night run chills the body, a quick puff from a vape chills the mind. don’t overdo it with the weed though. tolerance kills its usefulness e: yeah, weed might not work if you have the kind of brain where it gives you heebie jeebies. even if does work, have some self control and don’t lean on it too much or you might turn into this guy 👇 TrashMammal fucked around with this message at 16:46 on Feb 21, 2024 |
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Feb 21, 2024 16:32
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Gonna just say to be careful with the weed though. I smoke weed erryday and all but when things with my parent were getting thoroughly insane I literally had to quit weed for a bit because even a small rip would send me into an instant panic attack. Stress level was just too high. When she passed I was able to smoke normally again, go figure. But exercise? Yes yes yes a million times yes. A loving balm for the mind.
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Feb 21, 2024 16:36
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I also had to quit smoking weed because it was the exact opposite of helpful for me in those situations. Now if I get high all the bad feelings I've ever had immediately come flooding back to me. I have CPTSD and spent most of my life self medicating with weed and my overall state of mind and emotional well-being is infinitely better ever since I quit. Long walks with cool music are my jam now. I do meditation stuff whenever I can and it definitely helps overall but I don't find it provides immediate relief from stress. E: fwiw I'm not contesting the therapeutic benefits of weed but I was hella blazed 24/7 for at least 15 years and at that point it's just unhealthy deep dish peat moss fucked around with this message at 16:53 on Feb 21, 2024 |
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Feb 21, 2024 16:41
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Minotaurus Rex posted:Anyone know what the run of play is as narcissistic parents get older? Am I right in thinking that as they become more obviously insane some people they turned against you might soften their opinions? I know it’s never wise to hope for anything in this predicament, but I sure do miss my younger sister who my dearest mother poisoned against me somehow by the usual tactic of triangulating all communication between us… nope, they just get worse and more dug in. sucks losing people you care about who are caught up in the poo poo but there’s not anything you can really do about that. sure, sometimes people come around, but don’t count on it and don’t torture yourself trying to make it happen. leave that hope in pandora’s box with all the other evils
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Feb 21, 2024 16:41
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I catalogue everything I can hear in the room. Or I think about flexing and relaxing every muscle I can think of starting at some arbitrary point and working outwards. Anything that puts me back in my body, really. I recognize that's not necessarily gonna be helpful for everyone tho...
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Feb 21, 2024 17:26
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green spaces lab proved it even
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Feb 21, 2024 17:45
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atomicgeek posted:I catalogue everything I can hear in the room. Or I think about flexing and relaxing every muscle I can think of starting at some arbitrary point and working outwards. Anything that puts me back in my body, really. I recognize that's not necessarily gonna be helpful for everyone tho... I like elevating my legs against the wall like the yoga pose viparita karani- it's very calming to do that for like 20 minutes. I often do it while taking a hot bath with my ears underwater.
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Feb 21, 2024 17:58
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TrashMammal posted:don’t blame other people for your personal failures, op. that’s what psycho parents do. turn off your monitor every now and then and take responsibility for what you see there. that’s the only way to break the cycle If your partner doesn't believe you w/r/t one of the biggest and most fundamental parts of your life experience, how are you supposed to build a relationship?  deep dish peat moss posted:I also had to quit smoking weed because it was the exact opposite of helpful for me in those situations. Now if I get high all the bad feelings I've ever had immediately come flooding back to me. I have CPTSD and spent most of my life self medicating with weed and my overall state of mind and emotional well-being is infinitely better ever since I quit. not to simply shitpost smilies but  and also I started smoking weed when I was 23, basically because of my life situation (and I couldn't get drunk before work). I would go weeks or months without smoking because I knew it was sorta loving me up, but when I quit drinking is when I really started smoking every single day. I knew I was trapped in weed, but every time I quit all the feelings I've been pushing off for years and years collapsed in on me and I'd be back to smoking within 24 hours. Then one day Google Photos did a memory thing, and I realized that I had been high as gently caress since April 2017. Getting off the weed took a lot more effort than it should (also started smoking cigarettes again  ) but I'm 10 days sober  i'm interested in  to reset my brain, but I'm not in a safe space to do that right now
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Feb 21, 2024 18:00
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I don't know another term for it other than "concern trolling," but that's exactly what my mother does. I told her I had an early Dr's appointment the other day, and she woke me up at 7:30 in the morning. An hour earlier than I was going to wake up, like I'm incapable of setting an alarm for myself. She'll do little poo poo like tell me what goes into recycling like I'm a kid, or try to explain something I know more about than she does. She plays it off as "worrying about me" when in reality she's worried that if I leave she'll be left all alone with no one to boss around. I'll never be more than a 6 year-old to her. I'm not going to tell her any more of my plans, since they're none of her "concern" anyway.
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Feb 21, 2024 18:05
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Rabbit Hill posted:My question for you all is: what are some healthy and helpful ways that you soothe yourselves when you're directly experiencing a family-trauma flare-up? Like not Big Picture things, but immediate things, like when it's in the middle of the night and you're unable to sleep because of these feelings? -Ursula Le Guin books and audiobooks -Visualization, go to a happy place or memory and spend some time focusing in on it -Breathing exercises and other CBT exercises as mentioned by others. I recommend signing up for a CBT course or just getting a course book from someone -Exercise can be as simple as doing a bunch of squats, pushups, or if in bed you can do reverse situps
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Feb 21, 2024 18:17
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Vampire Panties posted:If your partner doesn't believe you w/r/t one of the biggest and most fundamental parts of your life experience, how are you supposed to build a relationship? it’s always your choice to enter a relationship. it’s always your choice to maintain it. it’s your job to communicate your needs in that relationship. it’s also on you to choose your response if those needs aren’t being respected relationships often don’t work out for a variety of reasons. your partner not respecting your boundaries is a big one. communicate your needs early, often, and clearly. if your partner is unwilling to work with you on this, then it’s time to hit the bricks all of these things are your responsibility—to yourself, and for yourself. figuring this out isn’t an easy task for anyone, and is often especially hard for people from abusive households. it’s worth it though, especially if a close relationship is something you want out of life. emotionally healthy people are generally attracted to emotionally healthy people took me quit a few train wreck relationships to figure that one out, but i did and it was worth it. i have much better people in my life now and it’s much easier to keep the bad ones out. never too late to get off the hot mess express. i hear they pull mad tail in old folks’ homes
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Feb 21, 2024 18:27
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Rabbit Hill posted:(in this case, uhhhh, fan fiction -- I know, I know) "It wasn't until I read that Voltron/Twilight BL slashfic that I achieved self-actualization" Rabbit Hill posted:My question for you all is: what are some healthy and helpful ways that you soothe yourselves when you're directly experiencing a family-trauma flare-up? Like not Big Picture things, but immediate things, like when it's in the middle of the night and you're unable to sleep because of these feelings? 
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Feb 21, 2024 18:33
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interesting how differently weed works for different people. wonder if it’s different brains per the stars you’re born under, or if all that stuff people say about it being bad for developing brains is true? didn’t touch it aside from rarely at parties until my mid thirties
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Feb 21, 2024 18:43
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Weed worked great for me, until stuff started to get unfrozen with my survival response after a sort of near death experience. About 6 months later, I gradually started noticing some of the downsides (for me, not universal) and the brain squiggliness started to bother me vs being sober.
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Feb 21, 2024 18:51
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That's pretty similar to my experience. It wasn't until I got on PTSD meds to suppress my flight/fight response that weed started to make me feel lovely. Before that I just felt lovely all the time anyway and weed took the edge off but these days it feels like going back into old unhealthy habits and makes me feel like I used to when I was smoking regularly, which was lovely.
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Feb 21, 2024 19:10
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Minotaurus Rex posted:One thing I really struggle with as a result of the systemic undermining of my trust in myself is painful, intractable, chronic indecision. I’ll have like 4 or 5 things I can’t decide if I should do or not grinding around in my head and no idea about how to resolve them or even go about figuring out whether they’re something I should pursue or not etc etc. I feel like decision-making and decisiveness is sort of a learned skill. And, honestly, stuff like letting a coin decide is just a crutch that prevents you from developing that skill. I had a friend tell me when I was younger that being able to make a decision (quickly) is more important than making the right decision. Even with perfect knowledge and judgment you’ll still make the wrong choice sometimes, and if you do then you can just adapt and course correct later. But if you don’t make decisions, then you’ll lose opportunities and things will pass you by. There’s no fixing something once the choice has been taken from you. Really, apart from some truly significant choices (like what you want to major in, what city you wanna live in, getting married, etc), most decisions don’t actually matter all that much. So it’s good to just practice going with your gut instinct for a while. Make snap decisions for meals, for cheap purchases, for things you wanna do with your free time on the weekends or whatever. It’ll take some time but eventually you’ll stop feeling so indecisive. You’ll get a finer sense of what your unconscious is drawn to, and you’ll have more confidence that even if you make the wrong choice you can just do something about it later
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Feb 21, 2024 19:37
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But making a decision presents a target for attack. Embrace indecision, be a leaf on the breeze. Then learn little feathering motions that direct you where you want to go, without appearing to be acting
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Feb 21, 2024 19:47
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Minotaurus Rex posted:One thing I really struggle with as a result of the systemic undermining of my trust in myself is painful, intractable, chronic indecision. I’ll have like 4 or 5 things I can’t decide if I should do or not grinding around in my head and no idea about how to resolve them or even go about figuring out whether they’re something I should pursue or not etc etc. I've used the term "satisfices" a lot with the paralysis loop. I choose something, and whatever is the first thing that hits the important checkmarks for that task is good enough. Is it optimal? is the best? Not necessarily, but it helps with stuff where there's a wide range of good answers. Stuff like "what to eat for lunch" and stuff that can lock me in a stupid loop. That and telling myself that chewing on it endlessly is the same as doing nothing at all about it, and just putting those thoughts in a box to give myself a break is good. I write them down on a piece of paper and sometimes just throw it in the garbage. Making things real (writing down of a piece of paper NOT writing it on a computer) really helps me.
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Feb 21, 2024 19:56
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Waffle! posted:I don't know another term for it other than "concern trolling," but that's exactly what my mother does. I told her I had an early Dr's appointment the other day, and she woke me up at 7:30 in the morning. An hour earlier than I was going to wake up, like I'm incapable of setting an alarm for myself. She'll do little poo poo like tell me what goes into recycling like I'm a kid, or try to explain something I know more about than she does. She plays it off as "worrying about me" when in reality she's worried that if I leave she'll be left all alone with no one to boss around. My mom does the same stuff. It’s an attempt to interject herself into other people’s lives. I did some freelance work for some folks who are real motivated go-getter types, and it made me think about how both my parents would pull that “concern troll” poo poo with anything I wanted to try/do. They’d compulsively tell me every way I could potentially fail/be unhappy/suffer etc and when I’d tell my mom she was being unsupportive she’d counter that actually she was being very supportive by worrying about me, and she was just trying to protect me from being disappointed. I was a chronic over-achiever fueled by mostly spite. Unfortunately spite is kinda exhausting.
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Feb 21, 2024 20:34
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TrashMammal posted:interesting how differently weed works for different people. wonder if it’s different brains per the stars you’re born under, or if all that stuff people say about it being bad for developing brains is true? didn’t touch it aside from rarely at parties until my mid thirties I also didn't touch weed until my 20's. I struggled with night terrors for years, I was put on Ambien which stopped the night terrors but I started sleep-cooking so that was out. Weed doesn't stop the night terrors so much as it stops all dreaming, not great but preferential to hanging out with The Hat Man
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Feb 21, 2024 20:37
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Thanks for the advice, it’s helpful. But also what about the decisions that do matter, like where I want to live? I’m stagnating hard where I am and need to move somewhere new but not sure where to. It doesn’t help that the previous generation has deliberately, completely hosed the rental market and that moving right now in the UK is a convoluted and near impossible ordeal.
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Feb 21, 2024 21:23
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Crocobile posted:They’d compulsively tell me every way I could potentially fail/be unhappy/suffer etc and when I’d tell my mom she was being unsupportive she’d counter that actually she was being very supportive by worrying about me, and she was just trying to protect me from being disappointed. My mum would do exactly the same. Very demoralising
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Feb 21, 2024 21:25
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