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Minotaurus Rex posted:Thanks for the advice, it’s helpful. But also what about the decisions that do matter, like where I want to live? I’m stagnating hard where I am and need to move somewhere new but not sure where to. Dunno if this is an option where you are, but recently I got a housesitter off the internet to look after my birds while I was away for a fortnight. She was living with her parents while saving up for a house deposit, and she was doing house sitting in different suburbs to get a feel for whether she liked them before she made a decision on where to move to. Maybe if you got a bit more information on what your options were you'd find it a bit easier to make a decision?
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Feb 21, 2024 21:56
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Minotaurus Rex posted:My mum would do exactly the same. Very demoralising Same, it seems a common thing with particular narc/control freak types who can't stand anyone supposed to be their lesser actually doing things of their own accord. Making decisions is a skill, one that's difficult to develop when literally everything you try to do is undermined and catastrophised before you can even begin.
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Feb 21, 2024 22:00
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It's hard to have any self confidence when someone's second guessing every decision you try to make. Am I not allowed to live my own life and make my own decisions?
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Feb 22, 2024 00:47
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loving christ the catastrophizing was such a huge part of my upbringing and it took years to shake that mindset from my own brain. My mom would be so angry at me if I came home right at curfew or running a couple minutes late because, and I quote: "I THOUGHT YOU WERE MURDERED IN AN ALLEY!!!". That would get me grounded for a month, specifically because I upset her so much. She also once walked in on me laying on my bedroom floor while listening to music and screamed because she thought I was dead. And of course, refusing to meet my boyfriend and trusting my judgment because she projected her own lovely relationship history on us. "He's going to murder you!" Jesus christ gently caress the gently caress off.
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Feb 22, 2024 04:49
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I had another "your funny story is horrifying" moment yesterday. I explained that sometimes my dad would buy peppermints after a restaurant meal, but only if you didn't ask for them. Or we might stop for doughnuts on the way home, but only if you didn't ask for them. Husband and son stared in horror. Also, apparently it isn't normal to hide under the grand piano when your dad is storming through the house in a rage. Arsenic Lupin fucked around with this message at 04:58 on Feb 22, 2024 |
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Feb 22, 2024 04:55
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Hahaha, ah yes, reminds me of when I was telling the story of hiding knives under our pillows. I think I ruined that friend's entire week.
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Feb 22, 2024 05:07
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Arsenic Lupin posted:I had another "your funny story is horrifying" moment yesterday. I explained that sometimes my dad would buy peppermints after a restaurant meal, but only if you didn't ask for them. Or we might stop for doughnuts on the way home, but only if you didn't ask for them. ugh my dad would do that sort of thing constantly. Also i could never, ever, ever remind him if I needed him to do something - drive me to school, sign paperwork, whatever. TW: he'd slap the poo poo out of me to 'remind' me that I could never evereverever tell him what to do EDIT actually, here's what my dad loved to do specifically - he would take my brother and I to a store and say "do you boys maybe want something?" and then we'd go pick out whatever and he'd say "oh that? I said maybe". I very quickly put together that maybe=never, but then dad couldn't pull my strings, so he would start lying and say "ok we're going to get you whatever you want" and let me & my brother go pick out something and put it in the cart, and even get up to the register and then he'd make us put it back because he would lie and say "I said maybe". That only took 2-3 times before I stopped looking at stuff entirely, and then he would get real earnest and speak to me in a adult voice and say "ok you can get a book", and then again at checkout he'd make me go put it back.  I just remembered the time he pulled my brother and I out of school so we could go to camping at the lake (i.e. man the boat while he drank), but we had to run by the mall first so he could buy something. My brother and I asked to wait in the truck, and as we were walking out we ran into a truancy officer. That rear end in a top hat was going to throw us in a cop car and drag us back to the wrong school, but I insisted my dad was there and he took us out of school to go camping. When I went and chased down my dad, he acted like he didn't know me just long enough to scare the everloving poo poo out of me. Vampire Panties fucked around with this message at 05:47 on Feb 22, 2024 |
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Feb 22, 2024 05:11
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Minotaurus Rex posted:I already do that by throwing the I Ching over and over in an obsessive way in an effort to get some kind of perspective. I have a genuine problem with using the I Ching compulsively. Don’t think I’ve made many decisions at all without consulting it for well over a decade. But if anything these days it tends to just dig me into the paralysis further because I throw it over and over. Stupid loving brain! This may also be a problem if there being just too many different options for possible actions in the world, but not sure there’s much of a way to resolve that dilemma. *Sigh*, feeling so crazy  " then you know you should get the yellow one. The coin flip isn't a tool to make the decision, it's a tool to help you work out what you wanted in the first place.
Splicer fucked around with this message at 09:33 on Feb 22, 2024 |
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Feb 22, 2024 09:31
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Minotaurus Rex posted:Thanks for the advice, it’s helpful. But also what about the decisions that do matter, like where I want to live? I’m stagnating hard where I am and need to move somewhere new but not sure where to. E: throw darts at a map if you're having trouble thinking of places. After a while you'll work out what place(s) you're upset you keep not hitting. The point is to trick your brain into making a decision and then work out what that decision was behind all the layers of second guessing. Splicer fucked around with this message at 09:42 on Feb 22, 2024 |
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Feb 22, 2024 09:37
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Vampire Panties posted:ugh my dad would do that sort of thing constantly. Also i could never, ever, ever remind him if I needed him to do something - drive me to school, sign paperwork, whatever. TW: he'd slap the poo poo out of me to 'remind' me that I could never evereverever tell him what to do  Jesus Christ was your dad directed by Judd Apatow?
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Feb 22, 2024 14:31
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Recent posts have reminded me that whenever I would say "excuse me" as a kid my parents would immediately say "there's no excuse for you" and then tell me not to tell anyone at school that they said that 
deep dish peat moss fucked around with this message at 15:31 on Feb 22, 2024 |
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Feb 22, 2024 15:26
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Ugh, I treated my child with contempt and disdain for YEARS, why won't they call me and tell me how great I am?!
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Feb 22, 2024 15:32
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deep dish peat moss posted:Recent posts have reminded me that whenever I would say "excuse me" as a kid my parents would immediately say "there's no excuse for you" and then tell me not to tell anyone at school that they said that wait, that qualifies as abuse? my parents said that sort of thing constantly I think I mentioned this itt, but I was also never allowed to call anything mine. Everything - clothes, toys, books - belonged to my parents and I had to use the royal we/ours. Also I wasn't allowed to say that I did something if my brother was involved in any way shape or form; I had to say "my brother and I" TW: At dinner once I was telling a story from school and in the story I told my classmate ( i had zero friends) that I was going back to  my house and my dad slapped me out of my chair because it was his house that he let me live in Poo In An Alleyway posted:
no my dad is just a psychopathic bully EDIT I'm not trying to set the high score for this thread, so imma slink off to lurking again 
Vampire Panties fucked around with this message at 16:04 on Feb 22, 2024 |
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Feb 22, 2024 16:02
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I don't know if saying something like that qualifies as "abuse" in a vacuum but my parents had a very mean-spirited sense of humor in general. It involved a lot of kicking their kids while we were down and then cackling about it, or making us the punchline of their jokes and making fun of our disheartened reaction. And they'd often be so pleased with themselves that they'd call their siblings to brag about how good they "got" us.
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Feb 22, 2024 16:25
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deep dish peat moss posted:I don't know if saying something like that qualifies as "abuse" in a vacuum but my parents had a very mean-spirited sense of humor in general. It involved a lot of kicking their kids while we were down and then cackling about it, or making us the punchline of their jokes and making fun of our disheartened reaction. And they'd often be so pleased with themselves that they'd call their siblings to brag about how good they "got" us. ugh not to post endless smilies but  And i should point out that my parents rarely hit me directly - because they didn't want other adults seeing signs of physical abuse on me. TW: Wet willies, eye licks, indian burns, pinching the nerves in my neck, and just old-fashioned rubbing my face in the carpet. I had cauliflower ears long before I wrestled in high school EDIT w/r/t verbal abuse - my dad spoke to me like I was one of his army buddies my entire life. F-slur, c*cksucker, rear end in a top hat, etc were terms of endearment from him. I got into trouble at school all the time because I talked like an army sergeant Vampire Panties fucked around with this message at 16:45 on Feb 22, 2024 |
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Feb 22, 2024 16:32
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deep dish peat moss posted:Recent posts have reminded me that whenever I would say "excuse me" as a kid my parents would immediately say "there's no excuse for you" and then tell me not to tell anyone at school that they said that "dad, Im really hungry! can you make me a sandwich?" "POOF! you're a sandwich  " *drunkenly passes out and pisses himself, leaving me to wander the neighborhood for 12 hours asking random passers-by for any food*
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Feb 22, 2024 21:10
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lmao
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Feb 22, 2024 21:11
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and also 
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Feb 22, 2024 21:37
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Thanks to everyone who provided tips on self-soothing techniques. Clenching/unclenching all my muscles and breathing exercises have been helping me fall asleep. I also remembered something I used to do in college that helped -- memorize poetry and recite it back to yourself. That seems to take up enough mental resources to drown out the other voices in my head.Arsenic Lupin posted:I had another "your funny story is horrifying" moment yesterday. I explained that sometimes my dad would buy peppermints after a restaurant meal, but only if you didn't ask for them. Or we might stop for doughnuts on the way home, but only if you didn't ask for them. Goddamn, I'm sorry you were treated like this. Edit: And poo poo, that goes for everyone else in this thread, too.
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Feb 22, 2024 21:46
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wizard2 posted:lmao
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Feb 22, 2024 21:54
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step dad died last month no one told me. Had to come across the obituary doing some other google searches. Not like he and I spoke to each other since 2011 when I was too gay for his mom's funeral. Mom left him shortly after for decades of emotional and physical abuse. Don't know if he found out I transitioned or not. Don't really care. I'm angry mom had to die before he did, I would have liked to dance on his grave with her. not being told he died by the rest of my family kinda cements the end of my relationship with them I guess. gonna drink and eat myself into a stupor.
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Feb 22, 2024 22:18
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Rabbit Hill posted:Thanks to everyone who provided tips on self-soothing techniques. Clenching/unclenching all my muscles and breathing exercises have been helping me fall asleep. I also remembered something I used to do in college that helped -- memorize poetry and recite it back to yourself. That seems to take up enough mental resources to drown out the other voices in my head. Part of the challenge with that one ("I'm going to move 1000s of miles to be by you") is it's not just triggering old scars, it's an an attack, an escalation, an active threat. Self soothing is part of dealing with it, but you're probably having to build new defenses too. Even if you handle it as well as you can (kudos to crocodile goon, direct and firm), it's still going to continue to drain you for at least a while. I'm also comfortably ensconced 1000s of miles away, and if they tried to breach that I'd be riled as heck too.
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Feb 22, 2024 22:33
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TikTok has been having a fun time making GBS threads on this girl for harassing her no-contact sister https://vm.tiktok.com/ZPR3VbJuW/ She's shut down all her social stuff now
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Feb 22, 2024 22:39
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Reminded of one of my dad's worst habits the other week. My brother got me one of those (tacky, mediocre) international treat box subscriptions for Christmas and the first one finally showed up. One of the items in particular stood out to me, and I expressed my excitement. To which my dad instantly shot it down with "don't wet the couch". Literally every time I've been in close proximity to him and gotten excited about something he feels the need to say something like that. This time I firmly rebutted him, but he didn't apologize.
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Feb 23, 2024 19:22
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John Murdoch posted:My brother got me one of those (tacky, mediocre) You are definitely your father's son
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Feb 23, 2024 19:38
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Like when I finally got to go to the ocean after being obsessed with whales and dolphins for years, we were on a ferry and my eyes were glued to the water. In the distance I saw what looked like a whale blow, I was so excited. I ran over to my mom and started telling her and she responded with "you probably imagined it". It's so unnecessary to be mean to others. I vowed to never be like that when I grew up. If a kid is excited about something, you drat well bet your whole rear end I'm going to be excited too.
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Feb 23, 2024 20:41
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big mean giraffe posted:You are definitely your father's son gently caress off.
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Feb 23, 2024 20:44
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big mean giraffe posted:You are definitely your father's son Probably not the thread for this, bro. And honestly, generic gift baskets are often the sign of "I don't care enough to actually think about you as a person but I feel obligated anyway". My dad has been sending this kind of thing to me whenever he weasels my address out of my mom, and I know it's purely so he can say that he's trying to be in my life and bEiNg a gOoD dAd when he doesn't actually give a drat what I think or want. They're not *always* an indicator of that, but sometimes they are.
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Feb 23, 2024 20:57
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nevermind
big mean giraffe fucked around with this message at 21:10 on Feb 23, 2024 |
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Feb 23, 2024 21:07
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some internet friends of mine sent me a few months of a snack box thing once. it was a nice gesture. kind of made me sad anyway since I was wanting to share it with the person who died and promoted the desire to send me a gift... but I do appreciate it anyway. one of the few times I've actually been pleasantly surprise edit: to make it more thread relevant, my mom's "gift" after this major important death in her son's life was to talk poo poo about her, and also my dead dad, thus making me laugh at her fuckin audacity and stop talking to her forever!
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Feb 23, 2024 21:21
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FWIW, I don't consider the gift itself tacky or mediocre - it's actually pretty on-target for my tastes and my brother has done far worse over the years. The actual product though is 100% tacky and mediocre, as is basically 99% of the entire monthly subscription box trend. Though also very much in character for my brother, all I was told at Christmas was "you'll be getting treat boxes soon!" with no starter box or anything like that and then the first one didn't show up until mid February. Asking him for any further details in that gap of time literally just got a "I dunno, they should start showing up at some point " response.
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Feb 23, 2024 22:30
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Epitope posted:Part of the challenge with that one ("I'm going to move 1000s of miles to be by you") is it's not just triggering old scars, it's an an attack, an escalation, an active threat. Self soothing is part of dealing with it, but you're probably having to build new defenses too. Even if you handle it as well as you can (kudos to crocodile goon, direct and firm), it's still going to continue to drain you for at least a while. My dad said he wanted me to help him look for apartments. (I had initially typed "asked me to help him" but he didn't ask, he never asks, he just states what he wants me to do, even now, when he's a nicer, mellower person. When I was a kid, if he had to  ASK me to help him with anything, that meant I had already lost -- I was expected to anticipate his needs, and when I didn't, that meant I was deliberately letting him suffer without my help, which meant I needed punishment.)Every time I think about looking for apartments for him, and not looking, and seeing him again, and not seeing him again, I want to throw up. There is no outcome to any of this where I don't feel like absolute poo poo. Jesus Christ, I thought I was over this. John Murdoch posted:[gift-giving] Well well well. Guess what my father and brother used to do to me. My mother was the gift-deliverer and she would guilt the gently caress out of me into accepting the gifts, saying this was proof that they loved me. I don't know where I got this strength of mind or perspective as a small child, but even when I was very young, I knew this was absolute bullshit. So I'd protest and try to refuse the gifts, then she'd heap on more guilt about how cruel and awful I was being, and she'd make me repeat out loud, "I know he loves me and I forgive him." (But -- I just realized this now -- she only made me say those things to her. Not to them. Huh.) (Edit: Forgot to add the worst part! Which was the incredibly sick feeling I'd get afterwards, having to pretend everything was okay and that I wasn't hurt, believing myself to be a horrible person for feeling sick about this instead of happy.) Getting gifts from my mother herself was also a psychological nightmare. I've posted about that in this thread before. God, gently caress them for ruining what should be a perfectly lovely and harmless way of expressing affection. Rabbit Hill fucked around with this message at 19:11 on Feb 26, 2024 |
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Feb 26, 2024 18:58
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Rabbit Hill posted:Every time I think about looking for apartments for him, and not looking, and seeing him again, and not seeing him again, I want to throw up. There is no outcome to any of this where I don't feel like absolute poo poo. There's no winning outcome, so give yourself the gift of not engaging and not explaining why. I'm sorry, I wish this was easier.
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Feb 26, 2024 22:05
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Abigail Shrier had written a new book, Bad Therapy: Why the kids aren't Growing up and I wonder how closely it intersects with narcissist parent mentality. The gist of the book appears to be the notion that society teaches young people to be helpless and anxious by making them aware of Trigger Warnings and Toxic Behavior in people, and this suggestion that older generations didn't have their feelings coddled and so were more self aware and confident. It's not a new sentiment of course. People were talking about 'hothouse children' decades ago but there was always this huge spectrum of personalities included in this classification. The generalization was often a child raised without any boundaries, who was never put in a position of discomfort and never learned to handle differences of opinion. Predictably this has seemed to cover children who call out their own parents for abusive behavior, 'tough love' advocates who somehow think that neglect and abuse will have a crucible effect on their children (or make post hoc justifications for how they treated their kids). I could see this particular book telling narcissist parents everything they want to hear since it seems to lay blame of problems on everyone else's parents and not themselves.
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Mar 9, 2024 17:01
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I’ll save everyone some time: she’s a transphobic rear end in a top hat https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/political-minds/202012/new-book-irreversible-damage-is-full-misinformation
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Mar 9, 2024 17:20
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everything tells narcissist parents what they want to hear. that’s why it’s called narcissism. a new enabling book is just a drop of piss in an already overflowing bucket
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Mar 9, 2024 17:25
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teen witch posted:I’ll save everyone some time: she’s a transphobic rear end in a top hat Yeah I was aware of her first awful book, which is why I assumed the new one would likely be just as terrible, though it would be interesting to read an in depth breakdown of the new book.
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Mar 9, 2024 17:34
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Conflict, boundaries, and discomfort don't teach self-awareness or how to deal with your emotions. People from older generations are some of the most unself-aware people I've ever met, often running purely on instinct and convincing themselves that their kneejerk reactions to everything are the correct choice because they did it. I'll agree that kids shouldn't be coddled and completely protected from difficulty, but I also don't know anyone like that (who doesn't have rich parents, anyway)
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Mar 9, 2024 18:16
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if only we hadn’t made it so good for you kids you wouldn’t have grown up to be such a bunch of awful limp wristed ingrates
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Mar 9, 2024 18:24
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Emotional intelligence is actually very bad to teach children. They'll lose the ability to be a horrible selfish rear end in a top hat who doesn't give a gently caress about anyone but themselves!
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Mar 9, 2024 18:40
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