Best Bi Geek Squid posted:

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When my 18-year-old left suddenly I knew I was going to be a mess. I reached out trying to find something to help me get through the initial shock and help me figure out how to go on. I found Sheri’s book and this website and introduced myself. But I never told you the full story.
Yes, my daughter who I did everything for and gave everything to left. And she did something horrible to me before she left. Something to make sure I would never trust her again.
But the story goes back many, many years. I have five children.
I will preface this by saying that I was married twice while raising the first four. Both were terrible fathers. I have been alone for the last 22 years.
The oldest is in her 40’s. She was a cold teen and always in trouble. Finally, the school had her put into a group home where she failed there, too. As she got older, and pregnant, I tried to help. For many years we had our ups and downs. I was always there to bail her out – provided money, even to keep her out of jail – watched the children, even had one of them live with me for a while. It was all about what I could do for her. The kids didn’t even want to be around me unless I was doing something for them. I was rarely invited to their birthday parties. Christmas meant they came over and opened gifts and then were in a hurry to leave. About six years ago I had enough. One day I told her that I was tired of the drama and needed a break for a while. I never heard from her again. And honestly, never wanted to pick up the phone to jump back into that mess.
My next child lives on the other side of the world. I rarely talk to him and I always have to make the first move. And if I do talk to him all I hear is his narcissistic attitude.
My middle son and I were very close his whole life – a lot like my youngest. I didn’t think he’d ever leave, but decided to join the military when he was 20. That changed him a lot – including his time in a war zone – but when he came back we were just as close. Over the years we had our ups and downs and then four years ago last month we had our last phone call. He was living in another state and was involved with a pregnant married woman. Of course he didn’t see anything wrong with that and came up with all the reasons why it was okay. She had the baby and he was going to be coming up to visit over Thanksgiving – just him. Rather than have a problem face to face I told him on the phone that I didn’t want to spend the visit hearing about her. And that was it – he hung up. I still deal with a lot of pain from that. I look back and realize that every time I disagreed with anything he did he would shut me out. And I would have to be the one to initiate contact again. This time I don’t even know where he is.
My next child was diagnosed with diabetes at 11. When he was 12 he had several bad seizures and was never really the same. He became very cold and distant. He would tell me that when he turned 18 I would never see him again. And when he turned 18… he left. I think he’s somewhere in the Midwest but don’t know where.
None of my children were or are close to each other. They all wanted to be the prince or princess.
So that brings me to my youngest. My “old age” child if you will. The happy surprise in my life. Her father didn’t want her, but I was so happy to have her. I believed she was another chance for me. I did everything I could including homeschooling her while running a business. Then, several months ago she started to change. She got involved with someone and eventually left – after doing something terrible on her way out. The pain brought back every moment of the past. And she knew it would.

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I sit here in the evening searching for my children on line. I come very close to trying to contact them and then pull back knowing that they don’t want to hear from me. They have moved – have new email and phone numbers, but mine is still the same. So they don’t have any issues with contacting me. They just don’t.

I want to contact my son and tell him that his sister has left – and is probably in trouble based on what is going on with this person in her life. She’s only 18 – the person involved is 23, transgender female (which I don’t care how people live as long as they don’t hurt others). There was a time when she and her brother were very close, but that ended four years ago. Honestly they are both very much the same – totally involved with themselves and their own gratification.

I haven’t heard from my ES in over four years now. He and I were probably closer than any of my other children. He’s 35 now and I really miss him. I miss the “family” that the three of us had for many years.

And now I am scared for my daughter. She left here two months ago in the middle of the night. She won’t communicate with me and I don’t really know where she is (I can text her because I still pay for the phone, but she never responds). She left having over $2000 in the bank but it’s almost all gone now. I’m worried that this person has complete control of her – she has no money, no car, and other than his family, is totally alone. And if his parents are responsible people, why wouldn’t they let me know that she is safe – for gods sake she’s only 18!

Someone out there tell me not to contact my son. I really want to – somewhere inside me I think that he can help, but that’s my heart talking. My head says that I’ve lost them all 😪
But then I think about my ED safety and wonder if I should do everything possible.

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Well, I didn’t really think it could get any worse and I was wrong.

Without going through the whole story – I have five children and have strained or no relationship with all of them. My youngest who was very close to me (I thought) left in the middle of the night on December 7th. She is 18 ½ years old, but was homeschooled, started college at 15 and graduated with two degrees this past December.

She met an employee 5 years older than her in October and left with that person in December.

She contacted me to have someone pick up some more of her things that following week, but after than I heard nothing from her. I emailed her a couple of times and texted her (after all I was paying for the phone), but no response. FYI…. The phone was turned off today after I received the order.

I started getting worried last week as my brain shifted to “what if something is really wrong”, so I texted her and asked her to “please let me know that you are okay”. And I added that if I don’t get a response, I’m going to assume something is wrong and try to find you.

Well…. Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say. As I was served an order of protection today.

After all the tears and repeatedly saying to myself “I don’t know what to do”, I started to put things together.

Now let me add that what she put in this order is outrageous! The lies! You couldn’t even say that was her interpretation! And I have hard evidence to the contrary.

And now here’s my thinking… I live in a state where a child can petition the court for support until they are 21 years old. If she did that, it would be thrown out simply by me saying that she could come home. However, if there is an order of protection, she can’t come home, and I would have to support her. And I think that’s what her “friend” wants. Granted that’s my “worst case scenario” thinking. But that’s what kids here do.

So, I’m spending the day tomorrow putting together all of the dates and activities that she did over the years. Oh, I was accused of homeschooling her to keep her away from people.

I already have four individuals who will give me character references. People that I work with that saw her throughout her childhood and saw the relationship we had. And I’m going to get more. I’m going to provide so much to that judge that he’ll want to tear the thing up. Oh, and one is from my oldest daughter. We started talking again and also couldn’t believe what was done.

And although I’m now in a fighting mode – I will not let this destroy me – I am so broken hearted that she would ever consider saying those things about me.

The up side is that I’m talking with my oldest again. Looks like a lot of things have changed in both our lives. I even talked to my 14 year old grandson on the phone and he said he can’t wait to see me – they are coming over in a couple days.

My oldest said she wasn’t really surprised. She knew that her sister never wanted them around as she wanted to be the sole focus in my life – the “princess”. None of my children like the others and it always made things stressful when more than one was around. And as I’m stepping back things are getting clearer.

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I saw my attorney today. He said at first glance he sees this as “a spoiled rotten brat.”

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Anyway, the order of protection is full of lies. I homeschooled her and she was in college by 15 – just graduated in December. She accused me of every kind of child abuse possible – for her entire life! And many, many other things that can be easily disproven. In fact my oldest (42) even wrote a letter to the court stating that these were lies.

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yes, it is going to cost me thousands, but I will not let her get away with this. And… I had bought her a car a year and a half ago – $15,000. Still in my name. She left it here when she moved out. So… I’m selling it this week for legal funds.

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Had a court appearance today and I had an attorney at my side.
My daughter was there with her “friend” who clearly is controlling her – just by the body language.

She’s pushing this all the way. Asked for a free attorney, said that everything she put in the order was true, and they scheduled a hearing for March 19th. And they did a new order of protection because the other was only good until today.

So, I had to sit outside the courtroom and wait to be “served” the new order there. I sat there and sobbed. I just don’t understand. She left almost three months ago and all I did was ask her to let me know if she was okay – and I texted her on the phone I was paying for!

My oldest daughter has been with me through all of this and has been a tremendous support. I made the mistake of contacting my middle son who was so close to both of us until he estranged 4 ½ years ago. I asked him if he would testify for me since he knows what she is saying isn’t true. He texted back “no” and that he’s too busy. Wow! Although I guess I needed that. He’s being run by the woman in his life and she doesn’t like me.

I’m a total wreck at the moment but have spent the last several hours starting to put together a photo album of her life and how happy she really was. Not sure if I mentioned before, but she’s claiming abuse her entire life.

Oh, and I’ve found several letters she’s written to me in the last few years thanking me for the great childhood she had. Amazing how quickly they can forget when someone comes in and brainwashes them.

I could just give up and let her get the order, but it’s lies. And it could affect my business. Also, my attorney thinks that she’ll try to trap me and get me arrested. And if I give up, in the state I live in, she could come after me for child support until she’s 21.

I feel so abused!

I see my therapist tomorrow and I know that will help some. Right now I can barely type as I’m shaking so badly.

I do want to thank everyone here for your kind words and support. I wish I could tell you that it’s over, but it’s not.

Some people have commented on different posts that they wished they hadn’t had their children. My daughter was the light of my life for 18 ½ years and we had so many wonderful memories… however, I would give up all the memories if I had known I would be in this situation. The memories are no good now anyway.

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First I want to thank everyone for your support through this horrible time. In consultation with my attorney we decided to agree to the 1-year order that makes me stay away from her. Honestly, I never want to see her again, so that was no big deal.

In exchange she agreed to remove all of the horrible allegations. In other words, she gets what she wanted (me leaving her alone) but there is no fault on my end – I did nothing wrong. And she can’t get child support from me because again, I did nothing wrong and she agreed that was true. (I live in a state that can make you pay child support to them until they are 21.)

Interesting that you can get an order of protection for no other reason than you want one. We live in a crazy world!

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She could still try to go after support, but has nothing to stand on now. She left and I did nothing to make her leave – the courts will consider that as abandoning her home and parent. Of course there will be more attorney fees for me. Her friend (I refer to this individual because their sexuality is in flux) is five years older than her and an employee of the college she attended. I believe that the individual found someone who was accepting of them and grabbed hold. And then took away everything that was my daughters – her family, her future. And old enough to know how to do it.

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I need some input – or advice – or maybe just someone telling me it’s okay.

Some of you know what I went through recently with my daughter and the court case. I agreed to a 1 year stay away order as long as she agreed that I never did anything wrong. Basically, one more time, she got her own way, but she wasn’t allowed to slander and lie about me or her childhood.

Well, after living in the same home for almost 24 years (the only home my daughter ever knew), I’m moving. I found another place with mostly seniors – my own home, but lots of activities in the community. I’ll be moving there in a couple weeks and then getting my current home ready to sell. Decided to leave with no forwarding address. New life for me, the dog, cat, and birds.

I have a very large home. My daughter had an entire floor (almost 1000 square feet) and LOTS of stuff. Additionally, there are more of her things in her “childhood” bedroom and that closet.

I can’t take everything with me. And I’m not allowed to contact her.

I’ve been going through everything and have tried to figure out the best thing to do. I thought about renting a storage unit – but do I want to pay to have things stored for a year and then who knows if I can even find her and if she’d want anything after that. I think about the value of the memories attached to these things and I wonder if I’m the only one who places value on these items. Some things that in the past she said were so special…

At this point I’ve decided that I will take one closet in my new house and fill it up with boxes of her stuff. Only those things that I think would be the most valuable to her someday – memories not monetary value. But even then I will need to get rid of a LOT of things.

I look at things that I bought for her and she loved at the time. The times and the great memories that we shared back then. I cry about the loss of what we had. But in the end, am I the only one who cares about any of this?

There are furniture pieces that were hers… things I don’t want, and I can’t take with me. I’ll sell them at a yard sale, but feel like I’m stealing something that isn’t mine (although I paid for everything). And then there are the musical instruments. Two guitars and a keyboard. And a bowling ball that her brother had specially made for her when she was 10 years old. A huge amount of martial arts equipment. There are machines for arts and crafts, game systems, and so much I can’t even list.

I’ve already given away a lot of things that I didn’t think would matter. My 14 year old grandson was here today, and I gave him a ton of art supplies – many still in packages – several boxes full. He was so excited, so that left me feeling good about letting those things go.

I’m just looking for thoughts from the kindred souls here….

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I also texted my ES. Only because there are thousands of dollars in Lego here

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I don’t know if she’ll ever get anything back, but for now this is about me.

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I agree with you – there is a line that you don’t cross, and she did. I don’t believe that you can come back from some things. I believe that sometime in her life she will regret this. A relationship at 18 with someone who is 23… hmm… I don’t see that lasting. And then maybe she’ll realize what she did. But it won’t change things for me. I totally understand when you say you are afraid. The night she left she let police in my home – at 12:15am. I woke up to them coming up the stairs to my bedroom. I had been asleep for 2 ½ hours. She took that time to move out, call her friend for a ride, and then called the police and told them I took a bottle of pills. That was insane! And scared me so much! Obviously, the police realized what was going on and left. My attorney said she did it so that she wouldn’t have to talk to me when she was leaving. It was a line that was crossed then, but I was still concerned about her. And though I may still be concerned about her – I believe she is in an abusive relationship – I will NEVER trust her, and can’t imagine ever allowing her in the same room.

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I am so sorry. I do know a little of what you are going through. It is a living nightmare not knowing where she is or if she is safe. I went through a similar situation with my ED at cutoff #1 when she ran off at 16 with her boyfriend who was 18 and was here illegally with his family from Mexico and was always badmouthing America and talking about leaving this “horrible country”.

My ED took off with him one day, out of the blue, right after we spent over $1,000 remodeling her bedroom, with no argument or anything to trigger it. We had Police looking for her and she was on the national database for missing and endangered children. We put posters up all over our state. I was so worried that he took her to Mexico and that she was being used as a sex slave there.

Anyway, after nearly a year of this living nightmare, she finally decided to make contact with me and wanted to come back home. She had been safe, living with his family in another state that whole time.

an extremely normal healthy woman posted:

What was the final straw for me, and what brought me here, was not getting a reply to a phone call for over five weeks. I don’t phone very often – hardly at all – mainly for the same reason as the rest of us here – I never know if he’s going to bother to pick up. So, after I called and left a message, I checked my phone every hour, then every couple of hours, then every day for an answer, a text, anything. and I realised that the tension this was producing in me every time I turned the phone over to see if there was a message was making me ill. It was even putting me off using my mobile phone at all, because I couldn’t cope with the constant disappointment.

So, I had a great idea…I got another phone, with a new number, and I transferred all the people I’m in touch with over to the new phone and I left the ES on the old phone (along with a couple of old friends who have also gone AWOL) I felt really guilty for doing this at first and wondered if I was over-reacting but do you know what – it’s been brilliant so far! The ES is literally in a drawer – at first I got the phone out and switched it on once a day, just in case he’d been in touch, now it’s every couple of days and I hope to graduate to once a week or even further apart.

I am enjoying using my phone without all that old anxiety and I feel that I have gained a bit of control over the emotional upset his non-contact causes me. I’m going away with my boyfriend for a couple of days next week and I’ve decided to leave the old phone behind completely so, for once, I’ll be uncontactable from him! (not that he’ll call but you know what I mean – it’s the principle of the thing.)

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After waiting and waiting for an answer to my phone call a couple of months back, I decided to go through all the stuff in the loft that I had been holding on to, just in case he wanted it. It was cathartic! I split stuff into keep, give to charity, throw out and, best pile of all – burn …there is something truly satisfying about burning things and I probably got more pleasure out of setting the incinerator going than I should have 🙂

I’ve still kept plenty of his things but they are now boxed, sealed and labelled and stuck in the furthest corner of the loft, well out of sight and out of mind.

another totally stable lady posted:

Hello, I have two daughters from which I have become estranged.
They became adults and everything changed (I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one this has happened to)
I thought I had overcome the estrangement now that I’ve been divorced for 5 years and have a boyfriend.
I have not seen my oldest daughter (27 years old) for 2 years. Her dad lives a couple of miles from me and she has visited him multiple times. Before this last mother’s day she had contacted me because she said in her text she wanted to celebrate mother’s day with me. I was happy but cautious. She had texted me in february letting me know she was pregnant and due in july. I had bought hundreds of dollars in baby stuff because I knew from her dad she is not in the best financial situation and I do not want the baby to go without the basic things and some other not so basic ones I really liked for the baby to have. The morning of mother’s day she texted me saying her boyfriend had taken her car and she couldn’t see me. I was so devastated it took me hours to stop crying. I told her I would bring the baby stuff to her dad and she could pick them up at his house. I did not want to know anything else. I gave her dad all the things I had bought. Father’s day came around and she texted me from her dad’s house thanking me for the baby things I gave her. That was another knife to the heart.
I am so sad. I feel I lost my daughter and just pray her son who will be born next week, does not steal from her all the moments she will want to share with him in his life.

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As I spent the 4th of July thinking about my daughter having her child (he was due yesterday) I felt I needed peace. Last week my daughter had asked me to see me. She said she was coming to the cities and wanted to meet. I told her I was hurt already so many times I could not expose myself to the same thing again. If if she wanted to see me for coffee she could let me know when she was around and I’d consider it, otherwise, I asked her, not to hurt me again. She said she was sorry and that she did not hurt me on purpose and she wanted my forgiveness. I have heard that before so I am very cautious. At around 8:00pm she texted me saying she was leaving her dad’s house (who lives just 2 miles from me). I thought that by saying that it meant she was coming over. I didn’t get at all excited. I was just surprised. 1 hour later I texted her and told her I thought she wanted to meet and she said that she and her boyfriend had left her dad’s house and werwere on their way back home and didn’t have time to see me.
I have not seen my daughter in almost 3 years and this was the last straw. I cannot say I didn’t cry. I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and hadn’t told him anything about her contacting me. I held his hand tight and started crying. He asked me what was going in and I told him. He said something that made me realize all human beings are not made the same. He read the texts and said “she has no conscience. You don’t do that to a mom like you”
I sent a text to her and her father telling them after 5 years I have fought hard to be happy again and have a man in my life who makes me extremely happy. I also told them I gave up and unless there was an emergency, I would rather they do not call me, text me, email me or show up at my house. My daughter texted me saying she will be induced if the baby doesn’t come by July 9th and I did not respond. That was July 2nd. I am too heartbroken to care right now.
I really thank everyone who replied to my initial post. Your words and support have made me realize I am not the only one and although it is sad that so many of us are going through the same thing, it is comforting to know we have each other to count on for virtual hugs. I appreciate all of you. Thank you.

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Hello all. First post but been reading since I finished the book by Sheri. My oldest daughter has always been tough, she was born one month after my own mother died. We were very close for a long time, or so I thought. At 19 she married and that’s when the turning started. I one point she said out of the blue, you can’t make me talk to you”. The E comes and goes over the years. She has been married twice, divorced twice and is currently with another man. Both very successful and living a big life of travel, nice home and HIS family. She has turned her back on us except for a a text or flowers on mother’s day or my birthday. She has really nothing to do with her siblings but is it seems involved with her mans family a lot. I asked her once why she doesn’t want anything to do with us and she said “mom, ever think it has nothing to do with you? I’m on anti depressants”. Funny, she seems pretty good in pics with him, his family, and her travels. I tried to talk to her for this Christmas as she told me she couldn’t make it. I asked her for a phone call, a short visit if not for anything but her 90 year old grandfather. Silence. I then said if that’s what you want then fine and she said “ok”. Nothing on Xmas, no text no call. I texted her today and simply asked if she wanted her grandfathers gift mailed and once again silence. I have no clue. But here we are yet again…silence. On again off again. It’s driving me nuts!

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Why in the world wouldn’t my ed want her grandfathers gift? I sent a text asking if I should mail it and she said no. What in the world did her 90 year old grandfather do to her?

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So, next week I am meeting with my lawyer. I have a trust and a will that includes my ED with the other three. She is currently power of medical attorney in the event of my hospitalization. I am changing that. LOL! after this last bout of her ignorning her 90 year old grandfather, and not responding when I tried to discuss her distance I am seriously thinking of either cutting her out or severely limiting any inheritance she would be entitled to. I would still give her certain items I believe belong to her, but no money.

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The biggest bafflement in this latest episode is I had asked her if I had done something wrong…her reply (through text of course) was no mom, you didn’t do anything wrong! With a big heart! Its confounding I tell you. This generation is selfish, and misleading….

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So I text my ED that I feel like I have been dumped by my own flesh and blood and she says “Oh my god Mom I think youre being really dramtic. Please just stop with the dramatics.” I tell her I know this isn’t about me but how she feels and she says “Ok, but its not coming across that way.” Then silence. The rest is silence. Who is this brat? How dare she speak to her mother that way? I’m so angry I could spit.

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subj: I want

to tell her off in the worse way. I’m so angry, so so angry.

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Be very careful. All I did was send a text (on a phone I was paying for) that I wanted to hear back from her or I was going to go look for her… and I was served with an order of protection. Took me thousands of dollars and a few court appearances to end this. In the end, I gave her the order for 1 year (I will gladly stay away from her forever) if she admitted that I hadn’t done anything wrong – and she agreed.

Many of these EC mean business! They want us out of their lives and aren’t afraid to go to extremes.

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A spring chicken I may no longer be, but
An old boiler is neither the reflection I see
I’m a loving mother hen who sadly laid a bad egg or two.
That one day hatched and away my baby birds flew.
But I won’t let that ruffle my feathers, no siree!
Mother’s day is coming, and though empty my nest be, the day still belongs to me!

Happy Mothers day everyone!
Xx

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I wrote this poem when my estranged son was 18. He is now 41 and it’s as true today as it was then. It’s called, “The Rites of Passage.”

The rites of passage…
Enter into the daylight…love, laugher, hugs of affection, adoration…the rites of passage.

Enter into the storms…difficulties, rejection, illness…Still the love, the hugs, the acceptance, the adoration…the rites of passage.

Enter into the darkness…hate, hurt, rejection…Where is the daylight?

The mother loves…the mother adores…the mother dreams…

The son hates…the son hurts…the son leaves. The rites of passage.

quote:

even as we live side by side with our children and our spouses, each and every one of us has a separate and distinct recollection of our time and our lives spent together. My memories and feelings around memories are going to be different from those of each of my children and my spouse or significant other. What I might recall as “funny” or quaint, one or more of the others might recall as traumatic or harmful. Both of us are remembering the same thing and how it affected us. Neither of us are “wrong,” we are only recollecting the memory and how it affected us.

I bring this up in hopes that it helps others on the forum to feel okay about what is happening in their lives now. We ALL have our memories and our pasts that we cannot change. We ALL did the best we could do with what we knew at the time when we were raising our kids. I look back and I see my three daughters and all of the amazing fun times we had. I know I wasn’t a saint or a perfect mother, but they are all grown women who are married and living their lives, and if one or more of them only want to remember a childhood full of angst, there is nothing I can do about it. Unfortunately that is their memory and not mine.

teen witch posted:

You can love someone but you do not need to like them.

Saint Drogo posted:

ridiculously common. but like a lot of the more low key crazy/abuse itt, extremely low and warped standards for how humans treat their offspring are standard symptoms of even worse crazy a generation or two back

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My sister and my daughter have always had a better relationship, in fact, both of them are more like mother and daughter than I could ever hope for, and always longed to have. Sadly however, my daughter never seemed to want that from me, from an early age (single digits) it was clear who the favourite was (aunty of course)! Mum was the one who provided material things but aunty was the “go to”‘ BFF. And now that my sister’s own daughters have estranged her, suddenly my daughter has become “precious angel”‘ and ”the kind of daughter she always wished for and never had in her own children”. Seriously? Has she been sleeping lately, has she not seen what my darling daughter has put me through? That’s “precious”???

I tried to warn my sister that my daughter is not the sweetheart she appears, that there is “‘motive” to everything she says or does, including manipulating and playing on people’s vulnerability. She knows my sister has money, likes to spoil her, is always agreeable, and basically kisses up to her. I know I’m wrong to try and warn my sister, and maybe my daughter would never do anything to (use) her aunt, but I am not sure that he intentions are as honorable as my sister likes to think her precious niece is!

Sorry for the rant, it’s probably just jealousy, actually no it IS that. I want my daughter to love ME first, I’m her mother, not my sister drat it!!!! ☹️

I’m feeling pretty flat, perhaps because I’m trying to change what I cannot change, and refusing to accept that my daughter adores my sister, and merely tolerates me. They share a birthday for goodness sake! Even before born, my daughter decided my sister’s birthday was the day she’d make her grand entrance into the world! So it’s a constant reminder that they have that to share too. Í may be her mother, having given birth to my daughter, but it seems that means nothing in comparison to the woman she preferred to be her mother from the day she arrived. 🙁

I give up.

THOT PATROL posted:

the son is 32 years old, btw

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I am feeling really down and just wanted to vent and scream here for a while, where everyone knows what it feels like. Thanks in advance.

My situation is that I am still in touch with my son – only child – nothing has changed, there hasn’t been a big argument or anything. We even exchanged birthday presents this month (we both have our birthdays in July.) But, when I decided to give him a call two months ago – a very rare occurrence for me, as he is firmly in charge of how often we communicate but we hadn’t spoken in four months and I thought maybe I should risk taking the lead for once – when I called him, he didn’t answer in any way for a week, and that was only a text, and then it took a further four weeks before I actually got to speak to him on the phone. And in that time, something happened to me. I decided I had had enough of pretending that we had the kind of relationship I had always assumed I would have with my much loved son as an adult. I realised I had been kidding myself for fourteen years, ever since he left home to go to University and, especially since he got together with his husband (he’s gay), I’ve been more and more out of the picture. But I’ve waited and waited – waited for him to mature, waited for him to get over the death of his dad (who died when ES was 18), waited for him to settle into married life…and the thing I was waiting for – that warm, mutually respectful, relaxed relationship not only didn’t happen, it got more distant, less frequent (and it was never respectful!) Instead, he’s been selfish, entitled, unsupportive and he and his husband seem to have massive chips on their shoulder (everything is my generation’s fault, apparently…)

And ever since that realisation (that this is it – it’s not going to get any better), I’ve been sadder and sadder. It almost feels like a bereavement, even though we are still in touch and reasonably civilized. Because my husband died relatively young (47) and all the rest of my immediate family (and the in-laws) were dead too, the knowledge that I had my son there in the background, doing his thing but there, was not just a comfort to me, it was the only link to that 25 years of my life – of normal family life. No-one else is around to remember it. And now, with us growing more and more distant, with me apparently being irrelevant in his life, I feel as if that 25 years is – what? Wasted? Dead and gone? I feel like I’m almost in mourning again.

I’ve got a great boyfriend now – he’s brilliant and I’m having all kinds of fun. But the gaping hole in my life from those years of motherhood – all that love, all that effort, for what? – is really getting me down and there’s nowhere else I can talk about it but here. So, thanks for listening. It really helps just to know there are people out there who understand, who’ve been there…

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My naturopath finally figure out what was going on in my body. She did heavy metals testing. Turns out I had enormous quantities of lead in my system. Off the chart. I still have no idea where I acquired it, but now that it is being removed, I feel much better. There are still some health challenges along the way, but over all, I feel better. Whether it is “eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and tongue of dog”, if it helps, I’m in. Conventional medicine has let me down enough that I had to search elsewhere. Here’s where the “what if’s” start though. What if I had been healthier when the ES crisis occurred–would I have handled it better?

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HUNKER DOWN ESTRANGED FLORIDA MOM

Past week events of an East Coast Storm approaching, and not a word of hope or kindness from adult children. When I reached out for help or support info no phone call or texts. Both live less than 100 miles from me and I would like help with mobile home safety. Once again I am not asked or welcomed for comfort of emergency overnight stay with either of them. I make my plans accordingly at church shelter or neighbor’s sofa. Not even a local motel room can I afford. I am almost 69 and a Cancer survivor X2 and an only child , of course with deceased parents. I am at a loss of words to explain the pain of not being of any value to my family. I find comfort in my bible readings and sharing with other broken-hearted mothers and dads. I will worry if they and their families are safe thru this approaching hurricanes. I try to adjust myself to understand my adult children’s choices, and respect their privacy. But my guard is down and I miss them. We all have a story and this is another lost day in mine. Prayers to all.

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My son is a total piece of garbage

We live in a state that is under state of emergency with Hurricane Dorian approaching. Although we live on the west coast of the state whereas the track shows main hit on the east side, we still are under a state of emergency and there is the possibility of a hit just like with Irma in 2017 when the storm was supposed to hit the east and smacked right into us at the last minute. as a Cat 4 storm. Our community has suspended all activities from Sunday on and started to prepare with shutters and emergency plans- as storms can be unpredictable. After Irma our community was devastated with millions of dollars of damage to trees, the lake and the golf course- as well as community buildings. Many roofs blown off, pool cages mangled and roads impassable.

Yesterday, I got a call from an attorney who I have worked for on and off for the past 10 years- he and his partner called me 5 times after Irma to check on me- asking me how my house fared- if there was anything they could do for us. Strange this is I met this attorney ONCE in person have spoken to him about 20 times on the phone over 10 years and all the rest is by email. I am not sure I would even recognize him if I saw him as everything is by phone or email. I do not work for him steadily but I really like that he appreciates my work and always compliments me on the legal work I do as well as the fast turnaround. I do NOT work for free so it is not that he likes not paying! He has actually on several occasions asked me to bill extra as he feels I am worth more than I charge! It makes me feel worthwhile. When he called yesterday he said he was very worried about us, hope we are alright. He went on to say much he appreciates me, how I always help him when he needs work done and what a great asset I am to him. Made me feel wonderful.

Last nite, a friend from New York called and said she hopes we are alright.

Today, an email from the midwest not far from where my son lives- so they know of the torn out there- and Canada both offering good wishes and prayers. None of these people are related to us- they are simply people we know.

Just as with Irma- the lack of concern by our son is both annoying as well as heart breaking. He apparently does not care enough to pick up the phone and ask what is going on, if we were putting up our hurricane shutters, whether he can do anything to help us- although he lives far away a call and really could not get here to help- just the offer would be so much appreciated. After Irma, when we had severe damage to our pool cage and home he called ONCE then waited to call for 3 weeks. When he called after 3 weeks my husband was furious asking if he cared or not and he gave a lame excuse that he heard that “everything was fine” in our area as his company was able to send a Fed Ex package to our town so he knew all was 100% right! NOT THE CASE AT ALL! Our area suffered major damage! Houses and pool cages down, stores shut for months due to damage.

I guess true colors come out and they are terrible colors. I cannot imagine someone being so uncaring and having such a who the heck cares attitude. I am getting angrier by the day- 3 weeks no contact and when they facetime he says nothing. He sits there and stares with a blank look no hi mom and dad just nothing! Almost wish he would not bother!

I am so sad that my only child is such a rotten person- no better word to describe him rotten, uncaring and self entitled.

I told a friend today if I could relive my life I would never had him- and I mean it. Any joy I had watching him grow up and nurturing him has been wiped away by the years of abuse., Just too much to take. I wasted a lot of years, a lot of energy and a lot of my life for what???

Thanks for listening to my rant of the day.
Worried about the storm and now upset over my son honestly not giving a care about either of us.

Miss posted:

what's that? i should search for the word "foster" in this forum? OK


"if we didn't look after those kids [that we chose to have and they had no say in having us as parents] they would have ended up in foster care. therefore, they owe us"

i wonder why this lady's kids don't talk to her no more


screamed at your (allegedly) mentally disabled kids instead of parenting them, but that's everybody else's fault. considering this is from her own self-serving point of view, I would think the abuse was even worse
by her own admission she was interviewed multiple times by her children's social workers throughout their youth. also, not her fault

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As you stated yourself, when your children had needs, you didn’t stop to wonder if you had the time or desire to fulfill their needs. Who are we, subhumans who have no right to expect a basic level of return?

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I remember when my ec were teenagers and they would bring home “friends” that were kicked out of their homes because they “didn’t do the dishes”, or some other obviously silly story. I immediately told my children that no parent would do this over something so mundane, and immediately instructed these kids to go home and sent them on their way.