Truecon420 posted:

Found a distressing one:

AITA for asking my sister to throw my baby shower party when she is suffering from infertility


She gets thrashed in comments

Licarn posted:

Cant seem to end my marriage

quote:

Sorry if this isn't super coherent. Life has been coming at me fast recently. My STB ex ("John") died last week. We had been legally separated for about 6 months and were actively in the process of getting divorced. We have a small child (9 mo,F).

John's mother "Carol" is heading his funeral/burial. She is obviously grief stricken, but has become overbearingly involved in mine and my daughter's lives in the last week. She is currently insisting that I pretend that her son and I were not getting a divorce and that I go through the entire funeral/sitting shiva (they are Jewish) process as if I am simply a grieving wife. Don't get me wrong I am incredibly saddened and grieving in my own way but this seems extreme. Her family has always been very concerned about appearances but this is just flat out lying to so many people, many of whom I suspect already knew we were getting a divorce.

I gave it a day after she asked me to do this to confront her and basically say that I am unwilling to lie to our friends and family (my family will be attending as well) if it is brought up. I basically told her that I would be as tactful as possible (obviously am not going to take any opportunities to talk about our marital problems) and focus on John's life and all of the good things we had together (mainly our daughter). I brought up the fact that many people already knew we were divorcing (it's not like it was a big secret and we have been split up for the better part of a year) and it would be very awkward to basically act as if that didn't happen.

Anyway, Carol explodes in this huge emotional tantrum, basically screaming how I was tainting her family's name, etc etc. I asked her to leave, she did. This morning she sends me a text saying that she fully expects me to cooperate with her wishes or she will turn me away from the funeral activities.

I am very conflicted about what to do. Not going to the funeral would not only be damaging to my reputation (for various reasons), but more importantly it is very important to me that myself and my daughter get to say goodbye. The funeral is next week, I have a few days to either try to clear things up with his mother or decide on whether or not to go in the first place.

TLDR: Separated/divorcing husband, husband dies, MIL wants me to pretend that husband and I were not divorcing for the sake of the family. Wut.

Smirking_Serpent posted:

AITA for getting my friend a strap on as a birthday gift?

Uh I know this sounds weird, but hear me out.

I’m (M20) friends with this guy (M21) as well as a group of others. He’s moved into our area about a year or so ago. So we were all chilling, and I asked him what he wanted for his birthday.

So he told us he’d like a strap.

We asked him if he was serious, and if he actually was into that, and he was like yeah yeah of course. The morning after, after the hangovers had calmed him down, and asked him if he was serious about wanting a strap. He said yes, and then basically went if you don’t get me one it’s fine just lmk.

So I was like gently caress it, if my friend wants a strap on, he’s getting one.

So I got him the strap-on, and he opened it in front of us, and we were giggling a little bit, and he goes what the gently caress is this?

And I was like it’s the strap you asked for, and he loses it. He tells me he meant strap as in a gun and i’m an rear end in a top hat for embarrassing him in front of all our friends, and i should’ve gotten it. trying to salvage me, another friend mentions that we all thought he meant a strap on and he gets angrier.

so reddit, aita for getting my friend a strap-on instead of a gun??

cumshitter posted:

All will know the Cosmos Under Management flag and its armada of high frequency trading starships to be the bringers of peace and securities price stabilization that they are. Once freed from the concerns of material wealth all living creatures will be free to endeavor in the highest and most spiritual of pursuits: Being gay.

Inceltown posted:

Lucrece posted:

So here's an interesting take on the update on the brother who took in his sister after their parents died....

Dude suddenly inherited his sister from parents death. Girlfriend of 9 years was not comfortable with the idea and left. Girlfriend proceeds to get ripped to loving shreds in the comments about how she wouldn’t suddenly just raise a child.

quote:

Married for 5 years. The other day my wife and I were in the kitchen, we were having a discussion about various things, about couples and celebrity relations, and how lots of celebrities break up and cheat and all that stuff.

I was just saying I can't imagine what its like to live with all that, and what it must be like to be cheated on.

My wife just said "yeah, well, if you ever cheat on me, I'll cut your dick off".

I just snickered and said "what?"

She repeated it "if you ever cheat on me, I'll cut your penis off with a kitchen knife." I asked her if she was kidding, she said she was absolutely serious. She wasn't even smiling and laughing. She just said "so don't even think about ever cheating, okay?" She was holding a knife and chopping carrots while she said it which freaked me the gently caress out.

I was just like okay, and I was feeling super disturbed so I left and went somewhere else.

What the gently caress is up with her? She seemed dead serious. I can tell when she's joking, she wasn't joking, she meant it and it creeped me the gently caress out. What should I do about this, how can I handle this?

tl;dr: Wife threatened to cut my penis off if I ever cheat on her; disturbing and creeped me the gently caress out.

quote:

I feel weird posting this, but I need an outside perspective on this matter.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months and he's probably the nicest guy I've ever been with. I've dealt with a string of abusive men, and to finally meet a guy who legitimately respects me and holds my opinions in high regard is refreshing to say the very least. He's a smart and talented man, very crafty and handy, and works a job that makes a better-than-average salary. However, things took a strange turn about a month ago.

I was over at his apartment and saw a 2liter bottle of what looked like urine stowed away near his desk. He told me that it was apple juice and looked very intent on changing the subject. He excused himself to the bathroom, and so I uncapped the bottle and sniffed it- it was definitely NOT apple juice. I told him what I'd done and he became (reasonably) upset that I hadn't left it alone, and assured me that it was just for "some dumb prank" he was going to pull on a friend. I dropped the subject and left him alone about it.

A few days later, I was using the bathroom at his place and saw a large package of Depends in his bathroom cabinet. His parents are no longer alive, and he's never made any mention of caring for an elderly person, so I don't know what to think about it.

About a week later, things started getting weirder. I found another bottle of urine- a different bottle (different color cap), and went to question him about it. I confronted him while he was in the kitchen, and found him peeing in the sink. Immediately, he was startled, tried to tuck his penis into his boxers and act like nothing had happened, but it was pretty obvious from how he was acting, not to mention a large urine stain on the front of his boxer shorts. I asked him what he was doing, and he reacted very defensively, telling me it was time to go home, that he suddenly had an appointment he needed to get to, and just trying to get me out of his place. Naturally, I left.

I wasn't using the bathroom, the toilet was completely open for use, and he still elected to pee in the sink, making me even more confused and wary about the whole situation.

I don't know what to do, guys. I like this guy- I'm pretty sure that I'm not too far from saying that I love this guy. When we first started out, I felt like a bird with an injured wing and he was nurturing me back to health (cliche, I know, but it's seriously how I felt). He makes me happy, he has a stable lifestyle and we're compatible on so many levels it's crazy... but I'm just not into pee. I don't have an aversion to urine, but I'm not comfortable with his hygienic habits and I'm actually a little worried he'll urinate in my own sinks if he were to visit my apartment.

Am I crazy? Am I immature for thinking this? Every time I think of him, I can't help but jump back to him leaning his pelvis over the sink, peeing into it like it was no big deal, or the idea that he might be wearing adult diapers beneath his clothes when we're together. I don't want to be a bully, but it's such a major turn-off for me that I can see this causing very real, very serious issues in our relationship. Any and all help, or suggestions with how to deal with this would be vastly appreciated.

tl;dr: My boyfriend pees in the sink and bottles instead of the toilet, and owns adult diapers.

EDIT: I REALLY didn't expect this to get so much attention. While I realize this is an out-of-the-ordinary situation, I suppose I wasn't quite ready for this much feedback. Thank you all for your comments and input. Most of you have been very helpful and have come at me with a spectrum of different ways to approach this issue sensitively. I'm going to speak to him about his aversion to urinating in the toilet.

Additionally, some people have been asking if he also stores his feces in such a manner- I'm not aware. I haven't seen any, feces in any kind of containers, bottles, etc, and I haven't really be looking for it. Last time I'd spent time with him, I wasn't ready to learn anything more about his hygienic habits, so I decided to actively avoid looking for answers beyond what was already in front of me.

I'm planning on posting an update to this. Thank you all, and wish me luck.

EDIT 2: I spoke with him BRIEFLY over the phone. I took the helpful advice of some of you and told him in very gentle, very non-judgmental terms, that I wanted to speak to him about his "bathroom habits." I explained to him that I wasn't going to judge him, and that I wanted to talk to him just to get some answers. He was reluctant, but agreed to talk to me "later." Rest assured, this will not be the kind of "later" that just gos away. I'm going to be asking him about this as soon as I see him next.

There are a lot of redditors here essentially telling me to just leave him, and that 5 months isn't that big of a deal. While I understand that I have my own issues to work through, and that 5 months "isn't that big a deal", he is still a person I care deeply about. I would do this for any of my friends, and quite frankly, I couldn't think of just up and leaving without at least trying to learn WHY he behaves this way, and at least trying to help him through it. I'm glad that everyone here is so confident in my ability to find a decent man who doesn't have this problem, but everyone has issues. I was lucky enough to find a guy who not only makes me happy, but shares a huge number of my world views, philosophies and beliefs. To just throw that away without even giving it a CHANCE seems so cold.

Looking forward to giving some sort of update, but I don't think I'm any longer looking for advice on the matter. Thank you all your responses, please wish me luck in resolving this.

quote:

He's a full-time student who works part-time in the summer. I have a full-time and part-time job (he studies a lot). We live together and mostly live off my pay while he stretches what he makes in the summer. Neither of us have ever owned a car because it isn't necessary where we live.

We both walk or take the public everywhere to save money. In the morning we stop at a corner shop shortly before splitting up for the day. He buys cigarettes and coffee. I buy fruit for my lunch and, on the weekends, lotto tickets.

He always makes fun of me for paying the "stupid tax". But I figure my indulgence is cheaper and doesn't come with lung cancer. Sometimes I jokingly tell him not to expect a penny when I win.

The day I won he answered me with "Fine, keep it all! It's not like I'm crying over a penny of nothing over here."

I showed him I'd won. He stared for a bit and then dismissively told me I'd probably spent more than that on tickets. In response I asked what I should blow his half on for myself. I was honestly joking at the time but he suddenly became angrier than I've ever seen him and I didn't want to admit I'd been kidding because he was so pissed off it pissed me off.

He wants a car, and I don't. He keeps trying to steamroller me so I'm refusing to share the money. In honesty I'm willing to spend or save the money for us but I don't want a car. I won't use a car and it will keep costing us money in parking and maintenance.

After weeks of him sulking and lecturing me about his "entitlement" to the money he took me to a car lot and tried to embarrass me into going along with him in front of a salesman. I threw a tantrum after we left without buying anything and I went to my mom's and paid our rent up to the end of the year and donated the rest to charity. He doesn't know.

I hosed up and don't know how to come clean.

Tl;dr: I haven't told my boyfriend I spent the money I won because I was upset he was being a dick. He's already angry at me. What do I do?

quote:

I've been with "Andrew" for a little over a year. We have a wonderful relationship and I cannot see myself with anyone else in the future, but of course we're not going to jump into commitments (living together, etc) for some time. He's a wonderful man, but has a bit of a nasty habit of self-aggrandizing sometimes. This happens only when he's with his friends, but I find it beyond annoying. He's been friends with this group since high school, so needless to say they're extremely close and hang out often, usually at his friend Jeremy's place.

Jeremy got laid off a few months ago and took a hit to his self-esteem, understandably, so Andrew and the guys have taken it upon themselves to visit him often (usually every Saturday at least) so he doesn't get too lonely. Jeremy has become a good friend of mine this past year and I thought this was wonderful at first, but after a while Andrew's bad habit began to pop up more and more frequently. He'd go on about how great he was at his job, how his boss totally has the hots for him, how many women flirt with him, yadda yadda all in front of me. I'd confront him about this and he'd say it's nothing more that trash-talking with his friends, since they all behave in a similar way, and he's fully committed to me. I don't suspect infidelity on his part, I just think this behavior is loving annoying. I'd just stay home, but I want to be there to support Jeremy as well.

This past Saturday, we were back at Jeremy's and Andrew was acting more obnoxious than he ever had before. The group would just keep on hyping each other up, as if competing for some kind of douchebag award. Once again Andrew was talking about his boss who obviously wanted his dick, and how he would "convert her to the straight side" since she's a lesbian. He then went on about how he could convert any lesbian, anywhere, because his dick was just soooo incredible. He just kept going on and on, and because I'd been drinking that night, this was pissing me off more than normal. While he went on, I blurted out "You've never even pleasured me, what are the lesbians going to be impressed by?". His friends laughed, but Andrew looked at me like I'd stomped on a puppy. He got quiet and stewed in his seat for a minute before excusing himself outside. I was still drunk and angry so I didn't go after him right away. When I got outside, he was still red-faced and teary-eyed, and asked why I humiliated him like that in front of his friends, how could I do that to him, etc. I told him he was getting on my nerves and needed to be brought down a peg, and that he should calm down. He didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

Almost a week has passed since then and he's still giving me the cold shoulder. I still think he needs to get over it, but was I the one out of line? Should I apologize, or just let him get over himself?

TL;DR my boyfriend was being obnoxious so I told him off, a week later he's still mad about it

quote:

A little backstory:

I have had a few previous cats with at my family home before this cat. All of them were outdoor cats and 3 of them died from either running away, getting hit by a car, or eating things they were not supposed to. Because of this, I decided to keep my cat firmly inside.

When I was 16, I was very suicidal from bullying and family issues. My mom wanted me to go to an inpatient care for 2 weeks. She told me if she did, she would have a new kitten waiting for me when I got home to be a sort of therapy cat for me.

I know this may sound stupid, but this cat was my best friend. My boyfriend had seen how much I cared for this cat/how much he meant to me. I am truly heartbroken.

A month ago I began renting a house with my boyfriend. I brought my cat along with me. I had made it clear that I would assume ALL responsibilities for my cat and all I asked him to do was to please not leave the door open for more than a few minutes or to put my cat in a room with the door shut until he was done.

We moved into our new house and my boyfriend had some friends over for an impromptu house-warming party while I worked late. I got home and him and his friends had the back door open and were going in and out of the house with the door wide open. I went inside and asked where my cat was, boyfriend said he didn't know. I searched the whole house and we got in a fight in front of his friends. Him and his friends laughed and said things like "its just a cat, don't worry about it." I asked him to please come help me look around the neighborhood and he refused. I went and looked by myself until 3 am.

Over the next few days, I begged him to come with me to help ask the neighbors, to help me put up posters, but he always said no. I have been calling every local shelter. After a few days we got in a terrible fight where I told him it was his fault a part of my family was missing and that I couldn't believe that I asked one thing of him that he couldn't even do.

Since then I have been not as affectionate or loving with him. I wanted to forgive him but he did not take responsibility or help me or even give me anything other than a half-hearted apology. I understand that mistakes do happen and I know he didn't mean to lose my cat but I am angry and hurt.

Tonight it all came to a head when I got home from work and he brought out a new kitten. He said, "Here. Now we can move on from this, right?" I got so upset that I just started yelling at him that he can't replace the cat he lost, this isn't what I wanted, ect. He threw the kitten onto the couch (it was just a couch but... It's just a kitten) and stormed out. I took the cat, packed an overnight bag and am now at my friend's.

My friend fell in love with the kitten so I think I will let her keep him. I don't want another cat, I wanted the one I had/to have him help me. After seeing him throw a poor, defenseless animal I don't think I want to go back anytime soon. I just don't know what to do. Until we had moved into together everything was so great. Is there any way to forgive him/go back from this? Thank you.

tl;dr: My boyfriend left the door open and my cat escaped (after I explicitly asked him not to do that). He brought me home a new cat, I got angry, and he threw the kitten onto the couch. What do I do? I love this man but I am so upset.

Hardwood Floor posted:

AITA for sneaking out of my baby's shower in a fit of rage?

https://twitter.com/AITA_reddit/status/1227350550620102657

Cool cult movie idea!

quote:

When I was 19 and a sophmore in college I had a boyfriend I thought I really loved. Looking back maybe it was just teenage puppy love infatuation. Not sure but I guess it's not important.

I need some advice because I know I'm very biased and what I want is what's best for my daughter but I think my feelings are getting in the way of that.

I had been with "Tom" for about 8 months at that point. He was on the baseball team and very popular.

But one day I discovered I was pregnant and told Tom. He freaked out and got super pissed. He demanded I get an abortion, said he would not stay with me otherwise. He did offer to pay the full expenses of it though.

So I went to the clinic and...I couldn't do it. I'm very pro choice and told myself the logical thing to do would be to have an abortion. But when it came down to it...I just couldn't do it. I admit part of it was that I was afraid but I also felt an attachment for my baby. The thought of getting rid of him/her made me feel like throwing up.

So I told Tom that I did love him and I wasn't trying to trap him but I simply couldn't have an abortion. Maybe we could look into adoption but abortion was out.

Tom said he had never loved me and while I was fun I was now causing him too much trouble for him to bother with me anymore and I was right, I wasn't going to trap him. He said I was free to choose to keep the baby and he was free to choose to have nothing to do with me or "it" and to not even think of trying to get child support from him.

I won't go into details but Tom made it clear he would make life as miserable as possible for me if I tried to contact him again, get child support, etc.

Maybe it was wrong to do but I figured all that trouble and drama just wasn't worth it and I would make my own way. I was, however, devastated and completely heartbroken. I admit it really hosed me up.

I never spoke with or saw Tom again. I did consider adoption but in the end, long story short, I chose to keep my child. "Faith" is 4 now. It's been a long and hard road but I graduated college and got a job. We live in a tiny apartment and finances are tight but we make do.

I love Faith like crazy and I do not regret the choice to keep her whatsoever. She makes me a better person and we have a good life.

However three days ago I received a letter in the mail. It was from Tom. Inside the envelope was a letter and a check for $3000. This is what the letter said

"(My name), I know this is coming out of nowhere and I'm sorry but I didn't know a better way to do this.

I am so sorry for how I acted 5 years ago. I was selfish and a complete jerk. I know that doesn't begin to cover it. These past five years have really had an effect on me. I got a job at (blank). I started hanging out with different people. Good people instead of college jocks. I know I ran from my responsibility and I treated you with callous cruelty.

I know I can't undo what I did but I want to make it right. Here is a check for $3000 for Faith. I know that doesn't begin to cover what her expenditures have been but I wanted to show I am serious about what I'm about to say.

I want to be a part of our daughter's life. I will go as slow as you like. I would very much like to set up regular child support payments as well as pay off whatever back child support I owe you for the past five years, including hospital appointments during your pregnancy. I know I don't deserve it, but I want to meet my daughter and be a part of her life in whatever way I can. I want to help her and I want to help you and start making up for the terrible way I acted.

Here is my contact information. I am willing to do what you ask of me. Thank you for your time. Tom.

I was/am blown away. I'm also beyond pissed off. I'm thinking of the pregnancy I had to deal with after getting dumped like that. Exams and papers I had to write. Giving birth to her on my own. The late night feedings, all the diaper changes, the constant crying, trying to afford clothes to keep Faith warm during the winter as she grew while also making sure she didn't go hungry, the tantrums, the first steps, first words, the potty training.

He wasn't there for ANY of that and now he just wants to come waltzing into her life like nothing happened after doing whatever he felt like now that Faith is out of the unfun baby years and she's a well behaved child who can now carry on a conversation and knows how to use toilet and doesn't wake up every two hours.

Faith has started asking questions like where is her daddy, how come she doesn't have a daddy and I've been doing my best. I've been saying Mommy doesn't know where Daddy is (true until now) and she doesn't have a father because Daddy wasn't ready to be one when she was born. Maybe that's the wrong answer but I am doing my absolute best.

I'm thinking of how Tom hurt me and bailed when life got hard. I can't stand the thought of him doing that to Faith. She's a sweetheart and quite sensitive. She doesn't understand unkindness, she makes friends with everyone and is very innocent. I've done my best to teach her to be a calm, kind, respectful person and everyone loves her.

However I do know she needs a good male role model in her life and I do feel guilty for not having one for her. I haven't had a boyfriend or dated since Tom because all my energy and focus has been on graduating college, getting a job, and being a good mother to my daughter.

I never really thought about Tom much after Faith was born but now that I am with this...intrusion into our lives I think I hate and despise him. I want him to just go away.

I wanted to not even cash the check and to tell him to take his money and shove it but my parents and close friends reminded me that that is Faith's money and she is entitled to it and I agree.

At minimum I want to get some child support going because Faith deserves all the financial assistance and opportunities she can get.

However I know if I get regular child support Tom will want to be in Faith's life and frankly, I don't want that. I don't want him to hurt her and bail when life gets hard, because it IS when you have a kid. I also feel like he doesn't deserve her. 4 year olds are a lot more fun than infants. How convenient he suddenly shows up and wants to be a "dad" when the hardest part is out of the way.

But. I honestly do want what's best for Faith. I think she deserves to have a GOOD daddy. I just don't think Tom is. I think Faith is better off having no dad than a bad or half assed one.

She deserves the money. But am I right to take the money and not give Tom any access to my daughter?I can't stand the thought of him hurting her. The thought of dropping her off at his house where I don't have access to her makes me want to scream and run away.

Please help me think clearly. Am I out of line for taking Tom's money but saying that's as close as he will ever get to her? I am not convinced in the slightest he has changed. I feel like this is guilt money and I want to throw that check in the trash. But it's Faith's money, not mine.

Faith and I have a good life and I feel like Tom is going to ruin that. But is it right to keep Faith from her biological parent when he has sent the money? I hate feeling like I owe her him because of that.

Please give me some advice and tough love if need be. I'm willing to listen if it's in the best interest of my daughter.

TL;DR College boyfriend dumped me after I got pregnant and threatened to ruin my life if I tried to talk to or get child support from him. Almost 5 years later I get a $3000 check in the mail and a letter apologizing for what he did and saying he wants to be a dad. I want to tell him to stay the hell away from us but I want what's best for my child. Advice?

EDIT: Since I have so many people asking, yes Tom is listed as the Father on the birth certificate

quote:

So my MIL has always had depression. It's been managed through medication, and therapy. A decade ago, they found a combination that worked, and this has kept her from being depressed since.

My husband and I have been together since our teens, and decide then that we both wanted to be childfree. My husband worked for a period of time with autistic child, and this further solidified his stance.

A few months ago, my MIL sank into a massive bout of depression. This has required doctor visits all the time ect. Naturally, with my husband worried that he'll loose his mother to suicide, he's been a wreak since.

Yesterday, at a visit at their house, my MIL said what has caused her to go into this bout - she wants to be a grandmother. All the neighbourhood friends are grandmas, she loves babies, she's getting old (70s) ect. She offered us a huge sum of money if we had a baby, and begged us since my husband is her only child and her only shot.

poo poo.

On the way home, my husband was very quiet. Today, he sprung this on me - he wants us to start trying for a baby. So this comes as a shock, I was under the impression that he liked our lifestyle as much as me, and wanted to keep it that way.

I suggested maybe putting his mother in some volunteer daycare to take her baby wanting urges out on other people's premeditated and wanted children. He thinks that will just make her more depressed. I suggested getting her a third cat (we got her a second after the depression started, since cats always have made her feel better) since she treats the current two like infants. She can't brag about being a "cat mom" to her grandma friend.

Besides the sheer fact we've (or maybe just me now) childfree, I'd also never just have one kid. I think children do better in sibling groups, and I could never deny a child having siblings (I know I liked my experience, and husband is an only child and he was always lonely). So now I have to have three children, and dedicate 18 years/person, and wreak my body to appease my MIL? How do I stop this madness?

TL:DR - Husband and I are childfree. MIL has fallen into a massive depressive sink, and says it's because she isn't a grandma. Husband wants to start try for kids to basically "save" his mother. I still don't want kids.

quote:

This is gonna be long and probably a bit disjointed, so I apologise in advance. Throwaway, yada yada yada.

TL;DR: Dad is having a son with his 2nd wife. My half-brother will be nearly 30 years younger than me and raised in another country. They both know my husband and I are childfree, I'm not comfortable around kids and refuse to baby sit, but make demands like I convert our guest room to be a bedroom for my half-brother and that I fly over to see them and baby sit every month. They also expect me to instantly have a really close relationship with my half-brother and seem to think seeing him will make my husband and I change our minds about having kids. I want to know my half-brother, but on my own terms and in a way I'm comfortable with. I lay down the law for dad and his wife. In his reply, he called me immature and selfish and tells me I need to get over my "spoiled, only-child mentality and put in some effort".

Disclaimer: My husband (31M) and I are childfree. While he's great with them, I'm really not any good at interacting with kids and don't really like them much, especially babies and toddlers. They make me very uncomfortable because I find them so unpredictable. I have tattoos, piercings and glasses which makes most young kids grabby around me, and being exposed to the excess of bodily fluids that seems to come with interacting with a toddler (drool, snot, etc.) make my skin crawl. Most kids pick up on how uncomfortable I am and that makes them uncomfortable, resulting in a lot of kids crying around me no matter what I do/don't do. My parents have known since I was in my early teens that I don't want kids and that I don't like them much, so this isn't a new, ground breaking revelation for my dad.

OK, so, mum and dad always wanted 2 kids, and dad especially wanted a son. Being pregnant with me was really rough on mum though, to the extent that she was bedridden for the last 4 months of her pregnancy, ended up having to have a c-section, and her body has never recovered (28 years later and she still has back problems, hip problems, bladder problems, etc). She wasn't sure she wanted to go through that again and just over a year after I was born, she was confirmed to have started menopause, so the choice was taken away from them. They considered adoption, but it wasn't a realistic option due to finances and us having to move around a lot for my dad's work, including moving overseas a couple of times.

Despite not being the boy dad wanted, he was an amazing father and never made me feel unloved or like I was second to his metaphorical male child. He would let me do make overs on him complete with bright red lipstick and electric blue eye shadow, he played Barbies with me, he endured injuries that sent him to hospital for me (broken toes from tripping at the park while playing tag, an accidental roundhouse kick to the face and a slipped disk while holding my punching bag steady while I was practising Tae Kwon Do, etc) and if I wanted to play princess dress up, he made sure he was the prettiest drat 6' 3", moustachioed princess that ever wore a ball gown made of floral bed sheets.

Fast-forward to last month, he and my mum have been divorced for 5 years, he's married a woman the same age as my husband (that's a whole separate level of weird for me, especially when he calls her my step-mother, but I won't go into that here) and he tells me his wife is 5 months pregnant with a son. They live overseas and he wanted to tell me in person but wasn't able to get over to Australia before then, which is why I didn't know about my impending half-brother sooner. I'm happy that he and his wife are happy, but privately I'm questioning how he's going to keep up with a kid in his mid to late 60s, especially considering he's morbidly obese, going to need a knee reconstruction within the next 5 years, and he's recently been diagnosed with fatty liver. I really don't think he's thought it through completely and has either chosen to ignore or completely forgotten the fact that a kid is a lot of work and he isn't in his late 30s any more like he was with me.

Anyway, dinner with him that night went fine, and then later that week the emails started. He and his wife were making comments about how I was going to baby sit, how I was going to want a kid after holding my newborn half brother, how I was going to essentially fly over every month and help raise my half-brother and have a super mega close relationship with him in every email. I was sitting there thinking "They don't actually expect this stuff, right? They have to be joking." because they know I'm not good with kids, they know my husband and I don't want kids, I don't trust myself to baby sit, and I've literally dropped a baby. I do not hold babies. My family tease each other a lot as well, so I was really, really hoping the lack of tone in emails was causing me to miss the punch line.

At first I laughed it off making "Oh! You're funny! You should be a comedian!" kind of replies, but they kept making comments. I then asked them to please stop, but they kept making comments. Their expectations became more and more outrageous and impractical for me and when my dad told (not asked, told) me that I have to convert our guest bedroom into my half-brother's Australian bedroom, I was pretty blunt with him and sent the following in an email to him:

I've asked you nicely to stop making demands regarding my half-brother, but you haven't. I feel they've gotten out of hand and I have to lay some ground rules.

Husband and I are childfree. Seeing a newborn does not change our stance on that no matter who's child it is. Please don't presume to tell us that we do or do not want. We've seen newborns before and still don't want kids.

Our home and our pets are not equipped to handle children. We have a dog with anxiety, a bitchy and at times very aggressive cat, a snake enclosure at toddler head height, stairs with no child safety gates, expensive consoles, computer equipment and collectables within easy kid reach, a honking big sword on the wall, and that's only stuff I can see from my couch. Our nephews do not come into our home without their parents to watch them because it's not safe for them, and neither will my half-brother.

I won't be flying over to see you all at the drop of a hat when it's convenient for you. I have my own life and responsibilities. Even if I was willing to shirk my responsibilities for this, I simply can't afford to.

We have a guest room. It will be staying as a neutral guest room, for any guests we allow to stay here overnight. Depending on how well mannered my half brother is, he may or may not be on that guest list, but I can guarantee that he won't be on it until he is at least 10 years old.

Edit: some clarification on this point: I meant that he can't stay over totally and 100% in my and my husband's care until he's 10. I thought this was kind of obvious by my 2nd point ("Our nephews do not come into our home without their parents to watch them because it's not safe for them, and neither will my half-brother.") but apparently I was wrong. I did write this when I was kind of upset so I can see now how it might not be obvious.

If I feel comfortable with him staying here when he's younger, he can. He can come over for a short visit before he's 10 as long as our dad or his mum are here looking after him, but younger than that he can't stay over without them here to care for him. I don't trust myself to care for a child. Also, we don't have room for more than 1 person to stay over at a time so I know dad and his wife wouldn't be able to stay the night here with him no matter his age. /edit

5) Don't demand I help raise or have a close relationship with my half-brother when he'll be nearly 3 decades younger than me and being raised in another country. If you lived within driving distance, I could understand your expectations, but saying that I'll have to fly to another country to help with him and see him every month is ridiculous. Yes, we're going to be biologically related, but as you both know from dad's relationship with his brothers, that guarantees nothing*.

*Dad has two older brothers. One he's really close with, the other he hasn't talked to in nearly 10 years.

My dad's reply:

"Well done, you made your step-mother cry. Stop being so drat selfish. You need to let go of your spoiled, only-child mentality and put in some effort to be part of your BROTHER'S life. You need to step up and be his big sister and help guide him through life. It's what older siblings do. Time for you to take on some real responsibility. I'll talk to you again when you've grown up."

I got that a couple of hours ago. I've talked to a couple of friends on facebook chat while I've been typing this post out and told them about it and they all seem to think dad is totally out of line. I trust them and they aren't the kind of people to say what you want to hear, if they thought I was in the wrong, they'd call me out on it. They also know me really well so my personality and what they know of me might be influencing their opinion on the situation.

The only child comment was weird to me because I honestly don't care that I won't technically be an only child any more. I'm not 3 years old competing with a new sibling for mummy and daddy's attention. I don't see my half-brother as some kind of usurper of my father's love an affection. As it stands now, I see my dad once, maybe twice a year. I'm also old enough to know that kids are a LOT of work so I wouldn't begrudge my dad not being able to jump on an international flight and see me for a couple of years because he's busy with his much younger, non-adult child. If I was jealous of my half-brother for this, I'd either be totally ashamed and embarrassed by my immaturity or booking an appointment with a psychiatrist to get my narcissism officially diagnosed.

On one hand, I'm like "Well loving duh I'm gonna be part of his life" because I actually want to be there for my half-brother. I want to get him gifts for his birthday and Christmas, I want him to know as he's growing up that he can come to me for anything, be it help or just to hang out, and I'll do what I can. I want to introduce him to Pokemon and the Foo Fighters and fantasy books and all the stuff I'm into so he might end up having some interests that correlate with my own and we can relate on more levels than just genetic. I want to be a part of his life, but I want it to be on my terms.

On the other hand, I think dad's expectations and demands are completely unreasonable considering the circumstances. Like I said to him, if he and his wife lived within driving distance from me, then yeah, I could totally understand (not the guest room thing though, that seems way too far).

I've never knew it was possible to feel guilty, enraged, disrespected and confused at the same time.

From an outside perspective, am I being unreasonable?

Lucrece posted:

AITA for asking my best friend to be the godmother to the baby I'm having with her boyfriend?

Barudak posted:

Goddamit I just updated the thread title

quote:

(Throw-away account) Also, warning!! Long post, tl;dr at the bottom as usual.

Background: I (27F) married into a very traditional family. I, however am a gender egalitarian. To me it doesn't matter who takes who's name, but I personally feel very VERY attached to my last name (for reasons). So when I married my DH (25M) we decided to keep both our names. Children born to us would be hyphened. DH's family is NOT pleased.

Situation: (A year and a half of marriage later) DH's family, being super traditional and a little patriarchal (they're mormon) were very hurt by me not taking DH's last name. They decided to ignore my decision and continued to refer to me by DH's last name instead of my birth-name. Among multiple incidents, my BIL (28M) put my married name on a family group e-mail. I decided to confront him individually about it. Perhaps he forgot, perhaps he didn't know how to address me, so let's talk about it! I asked BIL to change my name back to my birth-name on his e-mail, reminding him of my decision. (I was very nice about it, in fact all I literally said was, "Uh, hey BIL, could you use my birth-name instead of DH's last name? You know I kept my birth-name, right? Thanks man, you're the best!")

A month later a received a letter from him, telling me that I should change my last. I'm going to include excerpts from the letter below, but my main question is, how do I respond? Am I being unrealistic by being a little upset?

Letter Excerpts: "The reason I write this letter is because I care about you and I care about (DH's family). I write what I write in the spirit of kindness and prayer. In fact, I wouldn't be writing this if I hadn't prayed about it beforehand and felt compelled to write this. It's about your last name... Refusing to put (DH's last name) on yourself, for whatever reason, causes great heartache and pain to many of them. It also causes a lot of unnecessary awkwardness in conversation. When people see that you haven't taken that name, the assumption in society is that you two are living together and are not married."

"In the end, I really could care less about this whole thing. I'm not a (DH's last name), I'm a (different last name -he's married into the family). I kept my name, I don't really care what you decide to do. After reading this you can be mad at me, forgiving of me, or accepting of what I have to say and honestly it won't affect me one iota what you decide. I believe that the whole subject is a petty and immature one. It isn't something that would cause such a big deal to anyone. However I care more about the feelings and relations held by my family, of which (DH's family) take part in.

The reason you should choose to take (DH's last name) is because it is kind to do so. It makes it so much easier to relate to you and removes all the unnecessary awkwardness I have previously described. I know that this decision is for you to decide and no one else. But resisting to take your husband's name in society and circles you interact with is a selfish one."

And finally... "Hopefully you have felt a spirit of peace from this and not contention. I only strive to do what is right, and I try and show it in this letter. I seek to better myself every day and to lift everyone around me up so I can become more like my Savior Jesus Christ. He is my whole example for everything and is the reason I make any decision in my life. So if this letter brought a bad spirit to you I apologize for it was not intended this way. I wrote it out of a spirit of love for you and (DH's family)."

Ok, thoughts? Suggestions?

tl;dr: In-law family is upset I kept my last-name and so ignores my decision. BIL put my married name on a family group e-mail. After I confront him about it, BIL writes me a letter telling me to change my name. My main question is, how do I respond? Am I being unrealistic by being upset?

Edit: Formatting

quote:

I like the show Bob's Burgers. So does my husband. Recently I went to the mall with a friend and got a shirt with Tina Belcher on it. It has the text 'I put on my bra like everybody else, one boob at a time'. I thought it was hilarious, even though it's silly.

My husband saw the shirt and told me that it was inappropriate. I have pretty large boobs and he often feels uncomfortable when I wear something that draws attention to them. Because he thinks it's not cool to give random guys boners when they're just doing their job as cashiers/walking around with their SO. His words, not mine. I'm not even attractive. He says that with this shirt everyone is going to imagine me putting on my bra.

Anyway, I thought that the shirt is pretty funny. Hell, even my stepmom liked it when I sent her a picture and she's old-ish and conservative. They sell it at a store that's popular among young teenagers, and most people know it's from a cartoon and those who don't know the show would probably realize it is a reference.

The issue is not that he thinks it's immature to wear a shirt from a tv show. I have several and so does he.

I have absolutely no problem with not wearing the shirt. However, I do think it's a bit silly and am interested in your opinion. Is it inappropriate?

tl;dr: Got t-shirt from a cartoon with reference to bras. Husband thinks it's inappropriate. Is he right?

quote:

Been together for 3 years- supposed to be getting married in December.

To start off, my family is from India. My parents were born and raised in India. Me, my brother, and my sister were all born here in the US and raised here. I have only visited India once when I was about 10 to meet my extended family and grandparents, and I haven't been back since. I can't even speak a word of punjabi. I was very grateful that my parents were more integrating than other Indian families I knew growing up. My mother would make traditional Indian food, but she would also mix it up a lot and make mac and cheese or burgers (chicken or imitation beef, though she didn't mind if we bought mcdonalds outside of the house). My parents encouraged us to join sports and do other extracurriculars that would let us bond with the kids who went to our school, rather than just hang out with the indian kids from other indian families just because they were indian. My dad always said that he saw so many people get stuck in their ways because they never ventured out of what was familiar to them.

So fast forward to 3 years ago, I met my fiancee Alan. What I liked about him was that he didn't make it a point that we were this exotic interracial couple. He didn't treat me differently than anyone else. We of course talked about my family and he knew that my parents were from India but that me and my siblings had grown up here. He never said anything that came off ignorant, which was very refreshing considering how every guy I had dated before that had had some weird Indian chick fetish that gradually came out during the relationship.

He proposed 6 months ago.

Until about a month ago, things were going well and we were planning our wedding that we decided to have in December. He asked me if we were going to have an American or Indian wedding (or both) and I replied we were just going to have an American wedding because I really didn't know anything about an Indian one and my family really isn't traditional like that so they weren't fussed. Alan seemed surprised and when I asked why he said "Well I mean, you're Indian. I just thought we were going to also celebrate accordingly."

I asked him jokingly if we were going to have beer steins and if he was going to wear liederhosen at our wedding. He gave me a completely baffled look and said no, and I said "Well it's the same sentiment really. You and I were both raised here, we're both American." to which he said "Yea, but, well, not really. You're Indian-American."

It turned into an argument where I challenged him and asked him why he's not calling himself German-American or Irish-American since thats where his grandparents hail from. He never gave me a solid answer. Everything was vague and a lot of blubbering began to happen the more I asked him why he could be just American but I needed to clarification of a hyphen in there.

We never resolved the issue. We just ended sweeping it under the rug and didn't talk about it again, until this week. At dinner with his parents, the issue of an indian wedding came up again. I politely told them no, that we wouldn't be doing that as my parents aren't traditional and that's the only reason I'd be having an indian wedding. Alan pipes up and says its a shame because "you Indians do weddings way better than us Americans", nodding towards his mom and dad. I asked him right there what he meant, because I was also American. He said, "Well, you know what I mean. Like, you're Indian, and we're white."

It left a really sour taste in my mouth. And then I got to thinking about what happens after we get married and decide to have kids. Kids born here, in America. Are they going to have to deal with their dad continually reminding them that because they're a bit more brown that they're "not really" American? I know people will say some ignorant things because woohoo for racism, but I don't want the first instance of prejudice to come from their own father. I don't want my kids to feel the way I do when someone insists on slapping the Indian-American label on me because I look one way and talk/act another.

This is honestly making me rethink the wedding, but I don't know if I'm overreacting here or if my feelings are valid. I don't even really know how to approach my fiancee about this whole issue without coming off bitter or angry. I'm not saying that I don't know what my heritage is, but the fact is, I was raised here. My ties to India are purely because my parents happened to be born there. I don't want to have to staddle two worlds because I'm not even really part of one, and I don't want my kids to feel that way either.

tl;dr: Fiancee has some skewed view about who can be just American. It's making me rethink the wedding unless I can find a way to discuss this with him, but just the fact he can think this way in 2015 is upsetting to me.

quote:

So here's the situation:

My wife grew up with a really sensitive family. That's the best way I can put it. Her family was manipulative, controlling, and downright mean. Narcissists? Easily all of them, really. Except one of her sisters who is so traumatized by their family's social dynamic that she chokes up and cries if my wife talks about it. My wife happily overcame it and got out at 18. She shelter hopped while getting her education and made it all on her own. We met when she was at the highest point of her new freedom and I'd never known anyone happier. Knowing this, when we married she seriously nitpicked who was at the wedding. She has contact with maybe 5 people at the most from her side of the family and everyone else are quite distant.

She has a few on her facebook. They never talk to her, so she forgets they exist. So this is about one of them who isn't really even a part of her family. When my wife was a pre-teen her aunt on her mom's side had a high school friend named Jane. Jane had like five kids. All different dads. Not on good terms with any of the dads and jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend. They invited Jane on a vacation to California once with her kids. Not all of them, just the youngest two. Her daughter (Karen) and her three year old son (Donald). My wife described Karen as 'the worst'.

Apparently, even though Karen is around my wife's age (like two years younger maybe), she had this insane control issue and totally lacked a filter. She was constantly neck and neck with my wife as kids trying to assert herself as the dominant kid on the vacation. She would write lists for my wife and her siblings to obey, she would get mad and fly into rages if they didn't follow them, and even hit my wife's youngest sister (who has a heart condition) and called her slow and fat. Apparently that was the breaking point and my wife told me she 'calmly got up, dragged Karen by her hair to the door, and literally slapped her until she was out the door of the hotel room and locked her out'. After explaining why Karen wasn't in the room to her aunt, my wife's aunt just sighed and hugged my wife and told her Karen could sleep in her room so that she wouldn't bother any of the children.

Before the trip ended Karen was forced to apologize to my wife and used this as the reason, "Sorry I hit your sister and yelled at you. My dad used to r*pe me all the time and I don't have a dad but you do so I hate you."

Jane turned totally red and never joined them on a vacation again. Later my wife asked her mom if that was true and her mom answered, "Karen doesn't know who her dad is. So no, that isn't true. Jane doesn't let her boyfriends stay over."

She saw Karen later in life when they were teenagers. Karen calmed down significantly but kept bugging my wife to get her alone to try and help her search for her real dad on myspace. My wife politely refused and Karen flew into a rage and bit her. My wife slapped her across the face and told her to check herself and stop initiating fights. She called her out for lying about her dad and told her that lying about r*pe can ruin lives and to never do it again. Karen cried and ran to her mom who did nothing because she thought it would be ridiculous to harp on a teenager for dumb poo poo like that. After that Karen never spoke to my wife again.

So after my wife struggled through adulthood to get to where she is, she actually went to therapy and got great advice on setting boundaries with family. Now her mother and her get along fine and her mother shed her abusive behavior and is supportive and kind. My wife's aunt somewhat deteriorated and went through a depression spell (46 year old woman who went out and got inseminated for God knows why and has a newborn now) so my wife distanced herself from her. She gets along with her stepdad who was always pretty nice and she gets along with her siblings who grew out of their abusive tendencies as well.

Now, beginning of March my wife saw something pop up on her facebook feed. An article posted by Karen. My wife didn't register who posted it because she doesn't usually look at the poster anyways. She just likes or ignores. Someone on the article was just being straight up horrendous and my wife corrected them on their behavior. She wasn't rude about it, and the person wasn't discussing the article anyways. They were using it to push their own agenda and ended up posting someone's personal information to try and get people to go shame that person for having an opposing view. Wife reported it and called the guy out.

Karen, even though she was arguing against the guy, told my wife to quit being rude to people on her profile. Wife just laughed and deleted Karen and moved on. She told me it was stupid to get involved and she forgot she had that girl added and didn't care if Karen was on her friend's list.

So fast forward to this month. This week is my wife's family reunion. She was invited every year for three years and never wanted to go. This year she decided she was in a place with her family where she could comfortably go. She figured she'd use this reunion as an opportunity to announce our pregnancy.

So we're at the reunion freaking yesterday and guess who's there. Karen. My wife was a little surprised because she even told me that it didn't feel like her family really liked them anyways. The final straw was that last time when Karen bit my wife. Apparently in that same visit their family gave my wife's aunt's family scabies and they were deemed dirty and nobody wanted to visit with them again.

Well I figured it would be awkward for my wife to talk to Karen and my wife agreed so we ignored her. She approached my wife, smelling like beer, and told her, "I'm sorry for getting upset on Facebook the other day (month ago). You weren't being nice to my friends and I just can't have that. Being blunt isn't appreciative when it starts to hurt feelings. Hope you understand."

My wife just smiled and said, "I'm gonna need you to leave me alone. I haven't seen my family in years and would appreciate it if you'd find somebody else to talk to while I enjoy this day."

Karen rolled her eyes and said, "Whatever bitch."

My wife just chuckled and turned to the group and was like, "Well ooo-kay anyways!" and suddenly out of freaking nowhere I see Karen move really quick out of the corner of my eye. Thankfully, my wife's stepdad was right next to her and grabbed her hand and I hear, "Did you just try to break a beer bottle over my daughter's head."

That's when Karen starts blubbering and crying and saying that my wife was always mean and thought she was better than everyone else and her dad rped her when she was a kid so she only knows violence etc. My wife just rolls her eyes and says, "Again with the lies. What a cnt." and walks away and I followed. Karen was asked to leave with Jane and Donald and we thought that was the end of it.

Right before my wife planned to announce her pregnancy my wife's aunt walks up to her and tells her she needs to leave too. She told her that using the word 'c*nt' at a family reunion was enough to get kicked out over and that she was always really standoffish to Karen and never gave her a chance. My wife's mom joined up and said it can be fixed if she just agrees to apologize to Karen and moves on from instigating fights with her.

My wife just downed the rest of her grape juice, walked out into the middle of everyone and yelled out, "I'm pregnant. Cool huh? And nobody here will ever get to meet the baby. Peace c*nts."

And we left.

We drove back to our hotel and decided instead of talking to family or answering calls we'd go to the beach and enjoy a new vacation and then go home.

Here's the issue though. It's 3 in the afternoon and we haven't left because my wife can't stop crying. She feels so alienated from her family and alone. She feels like maybe she did take it over the top, and that her family will never side with her because she's so blunt about everything and she doesn't want to break off forever and go no contact but now she feels like it's her only option after her outburst.

I feel bad. I'm not in a place to give her advice because I truly don't know what I'd do. So that's why I'm here. How would any of you console my wife at this point and how can we either remedy this or comfortably stick to a no contact plan and ride off into the sunset drama free with a cute baby on the way?

TLDR: Wife's childhood "friend" had an abusive outburst at our family reunion over a Facebook post. Tried to break a bottle over my wife's head. Wife called her out, and called her a pretty bad name, and now wife's family is urging her to apologize or not be invited to events in the future. Wife left with a great exit speech and is now crying in our hotel room because she worked so hard to get to a place where she got along with her family and now she feels forced to cut contact to save her pride. Need advice on how to talk her through this.

quote:

My gf (M31, F27) and I have been dating for just over a year, this sounds so cliché, but she is almost perfect for me; she is really into health and fitness, has an excellent career that she worked really hard for, is great in bed, kind and intelligent. But...

She lives in a basement suite which is nicely decorated and she keeps very clean.

Any of you that have lived in a basement suit before know that, no matter what you do, you get bugs: Ants, piddle bugs, beetles and ... Spiders.

I spend a fair amount of time at her place and noticed right away that there was a spider in almost every corner. I asked her about it and she told me she doesn't kill them because they eat the other bugs... Ok. I did some light research and sure enough she was right. I found it a little creepy but not a deal breaker... Here is where things get weird:

About a week and a half ago I was using her computer and noticed a spread sheet called "babies", curiously got the best of me and I opened it. She loving named all of the spiders, kills the other bugs and feeds them to the spiders and keeps track of it all in a creepy rear end spread sheet! She keeps track of their "food", their color, size, web size and some other poo poo that I didn't really understand.

I closed the spread sheet after I realized what it was about because I felt bad for snooping and was honestly pretty disturbed.

I really love her and don't want to break up but am afraid that this is a sign of mental illness. Has any one ever heard of anything like this before? Should I say something to her? Is it ok for me to ask her to stop? Is this really that big of a deal?

TL;DR: Gf is a crazy spider lady

EDIT: I know I'm an rear end in a top hat for snooping

EDIT: we live in Australia

quote:

Last year was a framed picture of her cat, a book on how to make craft projects using cat fur, since I "like crafting", and a small container of cat fur. She wants me to use the cat fur to make her something from the book.

I can deal with weird one-off gifts, but now she keeps pestering me to ask if it's done. Then saying "I thought you were really passionate about your craft projects" when I say I'm not interested in making it. I tried telling her it's kind of weird, but she seems blind to believing it. I was also disappointed she gave me something only to make something for her, but I don't know how to say this without sounding ungrateful. And this was the first "personal" gift from her to me. She's previously given me similar gifts where she gets something out of it, like a game she likes so we can play it together, a juicer we can share in the house (she drinks juice I don't). To make matters worst, for these more expensive gifts, she'll get friends of mine to chip in, so she won't have to buy them for herself.

Normally I would distance myself slowly from such friends, but my current living situation means I will see more of her in the future. So I would like to establish that this doesn't sit well with me, in a kind manner.

Tl;dr Friend gave me cat fur as a present, how to I turn down keeping it/using it in my "craft projects".

quote:

Hi reddit! I don't really know where to begin so I'm just going to jump right into it; apologies in advance for any grammatical errors as I'm feeling very scattered right now. I'm an international student and a sophomore (second year) at a large private university in the US and am paying for on-campus housing. Without going in to too much detail, I have a few chronic health conditions that contribute to my anxiety and depression and as they worsen they intensify the anxiety and depression along with it. For the sake of this post, I'll call my roommate Katherine.

Katherine and I shared a room for all of fall semester and the first month of spring semester. We never got along very well and she would sometimes treat me poorly (making fun of me, throwing her trash on my side of the room, etc) but it wasn't a major issue and something I assumed was normal with some pairs of roommates. At the beginning of February this year, my health got worse and I decided to take medical leave. Medical leave meant that I dropped all my classes but still had my on-campus housing contract and was receiving treatment from doctors both at the student health centre and off-campus. However, because of my anxiety and my health in general, I no longer felt comfortable sharing a room and decided to rent a small single room off campus. I still maintained my room on-campus (the room I share with Katherine) even though I spent most nights at my single room. I left a good amount my belongings in the shared room on-campus because the room had already been paid for in my tuition and was non-refundable and I thought some of my things would be safer in our very security conscious dorms. My single room was temporary and also too small to fit everything so I just took the essentials there. I know now that this was stupid, but that room was still technically being used and paid for by me, and I have to emphasize that I cleared this with my RA and the housing director before I decided to do so. I informed Katherine that this was my plan, and let her know that I intend to come back to the room every few weeks to study or pick up things or see my friends etc. To be clear, none of my things were Katherine's way or eyeline at all; everything was in drawers or in the closet or kept out of sight under my bed.

Cut to today, where I went to my shared on-campus room for the first time in three weeks to finally pack up all of my belongings and sign out of the dorm. I entered the room and most of my things were gone. The closet was empty and there was nothing under the bed, the only thing that remained was 2 small drawers of stationery and empty notepads. My first thought was that my RA decided to give the room to someone else. I spoke to her and she says that they did no such thing and they have no idea where my stuff could have gone as access to each room is by keycard that no one else has. I messaged Katherine on Facebook and I asked her if she knew what had happened to my things. She messaged back asking that she doesn't touch my stuff and asked me why I couldn't just buy more things to replace whatever had gone missing. I told her that I don't have the money to replace my things and many things simply couldn't be replaced. She seemed frazzled and kept asking me why I needed my things and what exactly had gone missing and insisting she didn't notice the very obvious disappearance of my belongings from our room. I told her to let me know if she finds out what could have happened and left it at that.

Two hours later she messaged me telling me that she needed to talk to me and it was very important. She said she feels terrible and that she needs to tell me the truth right now. She told me that one of our suitemates had asked her why she was "such a bitch" to me (in reference to the way she used to treat me sometimes). Katherine said that this made her think that I was bitching about her to my other suitemates and our mutual friends and she got very angry about this. She said she wasn't thinking rationally and she "really didn't want to" but she decided to throw out most all of my belongings. This included a laundry hamper full of clothes, more than five pairs of shoes, all my textbooks of the previous semester, exercise equipment, important records of my visa status in the US, food sent to me from home, expensive gifts that were presents from my family for my graduation, and things that were very sentimental to me such as a book signed by my role model and my grandmother's old and handwritten recipes. There is more but this is the gist and I'm still kind of processing this and thinking about what is gone. I can't even begin to think about the financial value of everything she threw away, let alone the sentimental. She apologized and asked me to forgive her. I told her that I didn't know what to say and that I appreciate her honesty and I have screenshots of her confession in case I need it in the future.

I don't know where to go from here though. I emailed my RA and I'm going to meet with her tomorrow to see what to do, but I want to know how to handle it from there and what you guys think of the situation and how I should act. I've had thoughts all the way from letting it go to taking it to the police and I'm really not sure how far I should go with this. I don't want her academic career to be threatened by this, but I do want some kind of justice or reimbursement. At the same time, I almost feel bad for her which sounds crazy but I am so confused and I don't know how to feel at all. How do I deal with this? I'd really appreciate any input.

TL;DR; My roommate threw away all of my belongings while I was away on medical leave. How do I deal with this, both with the university and emotionally?

Smirking_Serpent posted:

AITA for wanting my wedding to go on despite not being able to be there?

quote:

So last night I had some people over to to celebrate moving into my new place. I had some family and friends, including my sister and my mother. When I was growing up with my sister, she would often steal from myself and other family members. Money from my mom's purse or dad's wallet. She'd sneak into my room and take things. Steal money from our grandparents, etc. We aren't very close because of this, and I always try to keep an eye on here when she's around. Despite this, I decided to invite my sister over because she doesn't live to far away, and I know my mom would have been upset if I didn't. I put all of my watches and valuables in my safe, but I left out the watch I had planned on wearing that night(but ended up not wearing it and leaving it on my dresser)

At one point during the party my sister asked me where the bathroom was and I pointed down the hallway and told her the bathroom was on the left. A couple minutes later I went to go grab something from my room and saw her come out of my room as I was walking down the hall. She gave me this startled dear in the headlights look and said she was looking for the bathroom and walked away really quickly. I immediately got worried and went to do a quick look around my room. I immediately noticed the watch missing from on top of my dresser. This isn't some cheap $20 watch, I paid over 30k for it earlier this year. I left my room and went straight to my sister to confront her. I pulled her off to the side so it wouldn't cause a scene, and told her that I knew she took my watch and if she gave it back right then I wouldn't call the cops. She got extremely defensive and started yelling about how she didn't take poo poo from me, and how I'm an rear end in a top hat etc. At this point, a lot of people were staring and listening us. She told me she was leaving and started heading toward the door. I knew if she left I might never see my watch again, so I grabbed her purse from her and dumped everything on the ground. Sure enough, there is my watch right there on the ground with the rest of the stuff from her purse. My sister screamed at me and called me a loving rear end in a top hat and scooped up most of her stuff and ran out of my place. My mom followed her out and ended up not returning to the party.

So after an awkward rest of the party, I got a call from my mom. She was mad at ME! I got some long lecture about how I "didn't need to humiliate my sister in front of everyone at the party", how she couldn't help herself, and that my sister is crying and upset now because of the "scene I caused" She also got mad at me for going through my sister's purse and told me that I should never look in a ladies purse and that it was a complete invasion of privacy. First of all, I tried to pull my sister off to the side. She was the one who started yelling at me and causing a scene that made everyone look over at her. I also wouldn't have had to go through her purse if she didn't STEAL FROM ME and deny it and try to leave. I'm not just going to risk losing a 30k watch because I "shouldn't look through a ladies purse" So now my mom wants me to not only apologize to my sister, but to tell all the guests that were there that it was a big misunderstanding and my sister didn't take anything.

I'm really not sure what I should do about my mom. There is no way I'm going to apologize to my sister. She should be the one apologizing to me. And I'm certainly not going to lie to my how guests to get my sister out of the awkward mess she created for herself.

I also don't know what to do about my sister. At this point I'm pretty much just done with her. I think she should be the one apologizing, but I doubt she will ever do that. Thanks in advance for any advice!

tl;dr: Had family and friends over for housewarming party. Caught my sister trying to steal a 30k watch from me. Everyone at the party saw me confront my sister and find the watch that she took in her purse. Mom wants me to apologize to my sister for embarrassing her and wants me to lie and tell the party guests that it was a misunderstanding and that my sister didn't actually steal from me.

quote:

I'll be deleting this shortly as the amount of hypocrisy is outstanding. Since when did it become OK to be verbally abusive and extremely condescending to someone asking a genuine question?

NOTE: I have never dealt with this topic before hence my struggle with it. In my mind, someone (e.g. a politician) telling you what to do with your body? Generally, a bad thing. Unfortunately, I have zero experience with any sort of women's rights issues.

Earlier today, I was texting a girl who I haven't known all that long (which is probably why the conversation seemed to go downhill so quickly). We started talking about the movie 'Interstellar' a bit and, seemingly out of nowhere, she starts talking to me about black holes, wormholes, and some basic astrophysics. As an ex-Physics major and big time nerd, I'm a bit taken aback that I'm able to even have such a detailed conversation about this. I say, "Also, yay for even having this conversation. Women in STEM ftw!"

Her reply ends with, "And now I'm done talking about it because of the whole women in stem comment."

Apparently, to her, it was sexist that it came as a surprise that she could talk about physics merely because of her gender. Meanwhile, I've had similar conversation with a whopping two women my entire life and only a handful of guys. It's not your everyday/layman topic, obviously.

Who's in the right and who's in the wrong? I was called a sexist because I "don't expect women to know anything about physics". I mean, I think that's partly true, but not because women are stupid or anything. Women are statistically underrepresented in such fields and the odds of me finding one who knew anything came as a bit of a shock. Is my realistic thought process also sexist?

Some other quotes from her:

"It's on par with being surprised when a girl likes video games. It shows that you subscribe to misogynistic gender roles." (I'm a hell of a lot more surprised when a girl can talk about the accretion disk of a black hole than bomb flowers in 'Legend Of Zelda'.)

"Men have no say in what is and isn't sexist."

"Women can't be sexist because men have never been oppressed. Prejudiced, sure. But not sexist." (Just because sexism is mainly used against women doesn't change the denotative definition that it deals with all genders, right?)

"Sexism and racism are tools of oppression and therefore cannot be applied to the privileged groups in society." (She also said "...you can't be racist toward white people.")

"You can't oppress the party that's in power."

I feel like there are nuggets of truth in her statements, but... I don't know. I'm torn. Help, please :/

EDIT: It led to her telling me to delete her number. As I said, not knowing each other well enough was the main factor. It's not as if there was name calling or anything (except her, at the end). It was a very odd situation, honestly, but I wasn't sure if posting the entire conversation via screenshots would have helped.

EDIT 2: Please leave the flair as "Non-romantic". Considering I said she told me to delete her number, changing it to "Dating" was incorrect (albeit, a tad humorous).

EDIT 3: I understand a lot of you are asking why I didn't post my own replies in a "Well, you probably started it!" manner, but I approached this as logically as I could. My replies were counterpoints and curiosity, nothing more. Please grasp that I was trying my best to understand her reasoning or else I wouldn't have posted this on Reddit in the first place.

TL;DR: Is is sexist to be pleasantly surprised a woman can talk about black holes?

quote:

Okay, disclaimer: I hope this doesn't make me look like a "oh woe is me, too many people like me" bitch. Up until a year ago I got literally zero male attention (I had short hair, apparently that was a big no-no), so...I just don't know what to do!

The situation: I have always had more guy friends than girl friends. I was a tomboy my entire childhood (read: self-proclaimed Pokemon Champion of the Playground; my friends would bring me their Zelda OOT cartridges to beat the elusive Water Temple, etc), and although I'm definitely 200% more feminine now, I still prefer to spend my time with guy friends-- I like to bro out, smoke cigs, and shoot the poo poo. I'm sarcastic, make dirty jokes, and am pretty much still a tomboy at heart.

I'm also in a great relationship that all of my friends know about, and I've had to become incredibly vocal about my relationship with the new guy friends I make. I'm always saying "my boyfriend" this and "my boyfriend that" because no matter what I do, I end up having a sad talk with a male friend a few months after we meet, with him telling me that he thinks about me as "more than a friend" and he thinks "we could be real good together". I hate doing it, because up until college I had an impossible time getting people interested in me, and I understand rejection better than most anyone. But I am 100% into my boyfriend, both because I love him and out of principle. So, I start up yet another awkward conversation, gently reminding my friends that I love them like a brother but it's just not going to happen.

What else can I do? Is it just impossible for me to be friendly with guys? I'm not a buxom bombshell, and I'm usually gross and gnarly with my friends...so I'm definitely not being flirtatious. But I really don't want to have to go through carefully sidestepping another emotional moment with guys I'd rather just be playing videogames with. More importantly, I don't want to make my boyfriend jealous. Advice? Please help!

TL;DR: I rather have male friends than female friends but, despite me acting totally nasty and man-like around them, in addition to loudly advertising my relationship status, they still try to "lure me away". Am I not doing something I should be, or do I just have to distance myself from male friendom?

PancakeTransmission posted:

There's an update to this one

Also, half this guy's recent posts are in r/conspiracy and/or talking about how he lost $2m in bitcoin

quote:

Just to explain, my (22F) husband (40M) and I have been together for almost four years, when our relationship began we were FWB and he was also seeing another woman (39/40) at the time, well what they had wasn't "exclusive" either and when she got pregnant she decided to abort but it was too late when she found out about her pregnancy so she decided to give the baby up for adoption but then she agreed with my husband that the baby would stay with him and she would give up her parental rights. My husband raised the baby alone, and when she was a few months old we formalized our relationship but he never taught her to call me "mom". After two years together I moved with them and since then she started calling me "mommy my first name" but she never called me just 'mommy'.

Yesterday was my (22F) birthday and my husband (40M) organized a surprise party for me, both families attended (his and mine) my family loves my husband and stepdaughter but his family was never very nice to me because they think I only want my husband's money (which is not true) and it never seemed good to them that my stepdaughter called me "mommy my first name" but they never said anything, until yesterday when at the time of cutting the cake my husband said "say happy birthday to mom" and she kissed me and said "happy birthday mommy" and my MIL lost her mind and told her that she shouldn't call me mom because I wasn't her mom and then told my husband that he was a horrible father for letting her call me that, and my husband told her that if she wanted to ruin my birthday it was better for her to leave but she didn't stop and started to tell me horrible things such as that I'm a gold digger and that I have no right to be called mom and she even said she couldn't believe our relationship lasted so long that she thinks that I'm a little girl and that I'm not a good wife, I didn't say anything because my stepdaughter was there, but my husband told her to leave and she and her husband left and they were furious with my husband.

When we got married I agreed that my stepdaughter could call me 'mom' as long as she knows the truth about her bio mom, and I don't understand why that made his mother furious, but everything she told me was horrible and ruined my surprise. My husband promised me that he will cut off contact with her and I don't know if that will be right, I want her to see that I'm cable to raise my stepdaughter as if she were my own daughter, I love her more than anything in the world and in the future I would like to be able to adopt her, but at the same time I ask myself "would it be right for her to continue being part of our lives after what she did?"

Did anyone deal with something like that?