|
What follows is my objective and correct rating of a selection of alien species. Now you may have some questions about the exercise here, like, what criteria are you measuring against, or did you actually think this thread through beyond the title, or how does any of this make any sense at all. These are all good and reasonable questions, which I will ignore entirely. Please feel free to supply your own rankings of other alien species, or indeed the same ones, which will also be objectively correct even if they massively contradict my own. Ferengi (Star Trek)  These utter disgusting goblin bastards. They're disgusting and vile and filled with nothing but contempt for any human values above pure greed. However, on the negative side, they're a bit cartoonish in it from time to time, and they do spend an awful lot of time sexually harassing women while everyone in command just sits there laughing it off. Does Deep Space Nine have an HR department? I've got some concerns. After being corrupted by bleeding-heart Starfleet education and/or regular shifts in waste extraction some of them do manage to cast off a few layers of dickhead, so at least there's not some kind of personality-as-genetics poo poo going on here. 7/10 Gethenians (Ursula K. Le Guin's Hainish Cycle, primarily The Left Hand Of Darkness) This was a bit difficult to get a rating for. On the one hand, they're kind of rude, but then our main source of that is this total goddamn moron Genly Ai not being able to figure them out, and he's apparently getting his mind blown by challenges to binary gender roles despite supposedly being from the great enlightened future, so can we really trust what he says. For those who haven't read the book, the whole thing with the Gethenians is that they are normally entirely androgynous except for about once a month where they start getting horny and find a partner to mate with, each one taking a different sex for a few days. Apparently when freed from the urge to shag for most of the month the way you spend your time is through political intrigue and constructing elaborate social protocols, so, sure. Giving a bit of a side-eye to the bit where it's explicitly stated that the partnerings appear to always be opposite-sex, though a) this is from the same planetary academic federation that Gender Role Fanatic Genly Ai comes from so can we really trust them to get invited to gay bars and b) a later short story features some brief lesbian intimacy so it can't be all that boringly straight. Plus their religion is kind of cool sounding. And they live on a planet of freezing ice, give them a break. 8/10 The Blue Aliens (Blue (Da Ba Dee), Eiffel 65)  Look, I won't condone their actions - kidnapping is bad - but I can't condemn them either. They probably didn't understand how tour bookings work on Earth. Maybe that's how musical acts are selected for gigs on their planet. I don't know. What I can condemn is their taste in music, their poor lighting conditions, and their ability to defend their ship against a random Italian DJ. 4/10 Heptapods (Arrival, 2016)  I do really dig the whole existing-out-of-linear time and forms-of-consciousness-transmitted-through-language-itself deal, that's pretty cool. I was going to give these guys a higher score because the whole weird spider thing was pretty neat, but then I found this image, which was probably in the movie but I forgot:  I mean, what the hell is that? It's just a guy with a weird torso and some legs. No I'm not into this at all. Points docked. 6/10 The Clangers (The Clangers)  The Clangers are a friend to all. They eat green soup and blue string pudding. They make a pleasant whistling noise. They live underground on the Moon. Everybody loves The Clangers. 9/10 Whatever The gently caress This Guy Is (Star Wars)  Aaargh! No. No. Get this Petscop-looking bastard out of my face. No. Go away. 2/10
|
#
?
Jun 16, 2020 21:48
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 26, 2024 14:43 |
|
|
The Blue Aliens (Interstella 55555) Sexy. Romantic. Honorable. Music-centric culture that has loving sweet music. Completely able to convey their virtue and righteousness with no dialogue at all. 10/10
|
|
#
?
Jun 16, 2020 22:12
|
|
|
Angepain posted:The Blue Aliens (Blue (Da Ba Dee), Eiffel 65) He's from TUKON4, constellation Hr453. He flies the Adisak.  Eifel 65 introduced music to them: quote:Once on Tukon4, Sayok6 called 2 guards that took the human, still frozen, into the Tukon arena. The human was transported directly into the arena where people were waiting. The crowd was curious since Sayok6�s friends went all over Tukon telling people that there would have been a memorable show, one they would have never forgotten. There is much more compelling lore you're not probing here.
|
|
#
?
Jun 16, 2020 23:17
|
|
|
 Gonzo's Unnamed Race We don't know much about these guys but top to bottom, they are a PARTY. They ride around on a party ship with no room for quarters or a bridge or an engine, so the party must be going nonstop. Famous members of this species include Gonzo the Great, one of the 20th century's most accomplished performance artists. However, many points must be deducted from their cred for losing a baby hundreds of light years from their planet and then never really offering an explanation as to why, or how. 7/10
|
|
#
?
Jun 17, 2020 00:38
|
|
|
Aliens of Farscape Sebaceans: sort of humans but not really. Most of the Sebaceans we see are part of the ironically named Peacekeepers, a massive space force that bosses all the other species around. They have some slightly better than human traits but pay for it by being cold-blooded; too much heat can destroy their minds while the typical human just needs to drink more water. I think that means Sebaceans could get by on quite considerably less food than a HEW-MON, but I forget if they explored that. Also can be racist dickholes. Does their species have hot women?: Absolutely. RANK: 2/10. They are pretty much the baseline alien in Farscape so their alien-ness is minimal. Luxans: Warrior aliens with a head full of drooping tenticles over a dog-ish face, which has a fair bit of variation. Has some sort of warrior culture that is still kickin' it by being mercenaries for the Peacekeepers. Has a prehensile tongue that can render people unconcious, two hearts, incredible resistance to being spaced (IE they can survive it) and wounds that actually require you to beat the wound until the blood runs clear. They can also enter something called hyper-rage, where they blackout and go on a berserker spree until they break or kill something. Does their species have hot women?: Holy poo poo no. Dog faces. Remember that? RANK:3/10. Klingons are probably the single most familiar pop culture alien species, so trying to do a new take on it is tricky. They still feel about as alien as a planet where all the guys are named Doug. Delvians: Sentient humanoid plants. As they were long lived and shared a very monastic and distinctive culture, they could have become space elves but they have way too many just batshit insane attributes for that to happen. It's been two or three years since I saw farscape, and Zhaan at one point went catatonic and began emitting spores that was driving people crazy/killing them with anaphylactic shock. That might not have even been the A-plot that week. They eat, but can also photosynthesize light. They have any number of weird telepathic abilities sorta like vulcans but also far more taxing, and we've no idea how typical some of the abilities are. They have a culture that is chill, and if you are chill you can hang out with them. Because they can be a thousand plus years old, they are kinda over sex unless somebody catches their interest. Last time with Zhaan it was this dude with a plate in his head. Good thing she never met Breetai. Does their species have hot women?: Yes, but usually they are just not that into you. Rank: 6/10. In retrospect Vuclans in TOS has some crazy-rear end traits, but sentient plant monk/anarchist/doctor/scientist manages to trump them. Hynerian: A semi-aquatic turtle/frog species, about three feet tall, who out of water need hovering air sleds to get around. Nearly everything we see of Hynerians is from his royal bitchiness Rygel XVI, but it's quite an eyeful. They fart helium gas when nervous. They can piss fire if fed tannot root, and this was an important plot point once. They apparently have their own intersteller empire, ruled by an actual emperor. Rygel as befitting an ex-royal, was a backstabbing rear end in a top hat throughout the series, and we love him for it. Does their species have hot women?: No. As he's one of the muppet species we usually stick with just Rygel. Rank: 4/10. Rygel is such a strongly drawn character he kinda overshadows his entire species. Scarran: The bad guys in a universe that is already filled with them, Scarrans are larger than human dragon people. They can blast heat at you, but they don't need to because they have big dinosaur raptor claws, and skin that shrugs of bullets, energy weapons, and even light explosives. They have exquisite intelligence and the strength to beat down the Luxans. They definitely had the ability to mind-rape people, but I forget if that was through technology or just another ability they had. They have a star empire with warfleets and an intense interest in mixing alien DNA with their own to create hybrids. Scorpious, a Leather S&M skeleton with a voice like honey hates them with every fibre of his being, and after a while you get why. Does their species have hot women?: Are you sexually attracted to dinosaurs? If not, no. Rank: 7/10 If you are gonna have "threatening alien" these guys are solid. Nebari: That sorta monochrome species that Chiana was a part of. Humanoid, they have some sort of terrible Space North Korean government that insists on placing everyone they get their hands on in a perfect social hierarchy, and use mind-wipes to enforce it. They were also engineering a virus to wipe out every alien species? Some Nebari can change their sex like frogs. The only other notable alien thing is their complete immunity to solar radiation. Does their species have hot women? Yes, if you can take the crazy. Like during a time travel back to earth, Chiana bones a teenage John Critchton basically because these opportunities don't come along every day. Rank: 2/10. Their alien-ness is mostly derived from their impossibly hosed up culture.
|
|
#
?
Jun 17, 2020 01:48
|
|
|
Let's rate some Vinge aliens Aprahanti: Genocidal butterflies. We don't see much about them and I found it really troubling apparently it's a whole species that's thing is they jump at the chance to commit genocide. Like, "is it okay to be racist against Hitler???" 2/10 Blight: Not even really material, just a general Ascended malevolence reaching back down into lower zones. Not that original but it's still cool to not just say you'll make a monster that's threatening across hundreds of light years but actually follow through on it for a whole book. 6/10 Skroders: Plants that ride skateboards. Sounds cooler than they actually are. In practice they played out as shockingly not-alien by Vinge standards, though the characters we specifically meet are pretty cool. 3/10 Spiders: Shockingly not-alien compared to the actual living humans in the book., most of how weird they are is conveyed either subtly or when they're next to humans and are really gross and scary even when they don't mean to be. Most of the plot covers an extended war that goes from like WW1 era into a long Cold War, with the two main political factions being a reactionary theocracy against some dumb libs. The libs win because one of their main living heroes is a Posadist, and defintely getting some points for that. 7/10. Tines: Pack-consciousness dogs. This was great b/c people will say "hive mind aliens" but they never follow through on it. Vinge pulls it off and really gets into it: how are they "collective" at a biological level? What happens to individuals? What cultural norms do they have about mixing? Social distancing? Violence? What are the norms and lmiits on size? Honestly really cool, too bad that's mostly in the worst of his books. 8/10 Cuttlefish: These dumbfucks didn't even make it onto the wikipedia page for me to check that this was actually their name and they're anoying dumbshits who don't matter can gently caress right off. 1/10
|
|
#
?
Jun 17, 2020 02:54
|
|
|
Angepain posted:
Yo the gently caress you say about Nien Nunb?
|
|
#
?
Jun 17, 2020 18:19
|
|
|
banned from Starbucks posted:Yo the gently caress you say about Nien Nunb? his
|
|
#
?
Jun 17, 2020 18:48
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 26, 2024 14:43 |
|
|
The absolute worst loving take I ever saw was on some YouTube video where a white dude said that guy represented Latino stereotypes and I was like "Is that really what Latinos look like to you? You're saying way more than this design is."
|
|
#
?
Jun 17, 2020 21:17
|
|