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Smik
Mar 18, 2014



My old web comic "Super Temps" (named after a temporary employment agency for supers) took place in a world where everyone had special powers, just most of them sucked or weren't flashy enough to put a cape on for. Some people were immune to cholesterol. Others found small, lost objects from around the world whenever they ran a dryer. Some people could do a flash costume transformation... but that was it, they just got a costume. And then other people could rapid-fire concussive energy blasts from their fists.

Post in this thread. I will tell you the secret power you wield simply by looking at your user name! Some people might have fantastic powers! Most will not. Some dicing is involved.

I will start with myself.

My power is: The ability to SMALK! SMALKing is the power to turn ordinary MILK into SMALK! SMALK is just like regular milk except it can be drunk by ANYONE, even people who are normally lactose intolerant or vegan or to whom dairy products create a lethal or irritating reaction. When a vegan is near SMALK they will not recognize it as being non-vegan and if they drink SMALK they will claim it is vegan friendly (even though technically it totally isn't).

If SMALK is left out it naturally turns into SMURK, which is like a runny, plain yogurt that stinks but is still edible and tastes like a mild cheese. When left out longer it just turns into rancid yogurt which is less remarkable.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

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Funky See Funky Do
Aug 20, 2013
STILL TRYING HARD

Did you know your website currently has a huge ad for some kind of real dolls on it? Did you write the TV Tropes page about your webcomic and the seemingly exhaustive list of Super Temps characters that's on it?

Zeluth
May 12, 2001


I cube therefore I'mmm

William Henry Hairytaint
Oct 29, 2011



Post the webcomic name drop, get the Smik-Smalk

Spinz
Jan 7, 2020



Alright

Supreme Allah
Oct 6, 2004

everybody relax, i'm here


Nap Ghost

I've been waiting 17 years for this thread

Hairy Right Hook
Sep 9, 2001

Hee to the ho


This is the perfect thread to try out my new shitpost catchphrase if I could remember what it was

Hairy Right Hook
Sep 9, 2001

Hee to the ho


I think it was something like WELL THATS A POST ALRIGHT

ClamdestineBoyster
Aug 15, 2015
Probation
Can't post for 27 hours!


Id be like, the David hasselhoff of Whorewatch.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014



Funky See Funky Do posted:

Did you know your website currently has a huge ad for some kind of real dolls on it? Did you write the TV Tropes page about your webcomic and the seemingly exhaustive list of Super Temps characters that's on it?

I don't really have a website, it's hosted on The Duck so their ads are their business. I just keep the domain name I got for it waaaaaay back when I first worked on it. I laid the comic to rest after my wife passed, but some recent event had me find some bits about how I made up weird powers for everyone commenting and wanted to do it again.

Funky See Funky Do: Your power is the ability to CONTROL HAIR! Not just your own, but the hair of others!

Your powers allow you to:
- Grow hair -- anywhere there are or were follicles. You can force grow hair in scant seconds. This allows you to blind people as their hair rapidly covers their entire face. Yes, you can also grow their pubes until it cripples their movement.
- Remove hair -- same as Grow Hair, but it falls out. This has psychological combat potential! Make your enemies bald, shatter their confidence, or make them think they've been radiated!
- Control hair -- you can shape and manipulate hair and can attack people with their own hair growth.

Your powers would legitimately allow you to enter the Super Hero or Villain business, or you could instead just operate the world's most powerful hair salon ever.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

Smik
Mar 18, 2014



Zeluth posted:

I cube therefore I'mmm

Zeluth, your power is:

CONTROL Z
- You can sense Z's.
- You can also force Z's to appear on walls.
- You have the ability to force the CNTRL-Z short cut on computers with the power of your mind!

(rolled kinda low on the power table, sorry)

Only registered members can see post attachments!

That strange guy
Dec 14, 2014

It's not strange if we never mention it again.

Post

Smik
Mar 18, 2014



William Henry Hairytaint posted:

Post the webcomic name drop, get the Smik-Smalk

William Henry Hairytaint, your power is...

Control Erectile Dysfunction!

This is pretty self-explanatory. It's useful but you don't like to talk about it.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

Zil
Jun 4, 2011

I kind of want it.
Good Enough!




Posting to find out my power

kntfkr
Feb 11, 2019

GOOSE FUCKER


yo hey hi can I get a power please

Smik
Mar 18, 2014



Spinz posted:

Alright

Spinz your power is...

Spinning!
- Unlike normal people, you can spin at anytime, any place, at any speed without falling over!
- If you are in a vehicle that doesn't provide enough room for you to spin, you will cause the vehicle to spin wildly out of control! This will likely kill you and others, please don't do it!
- You will very likely throw up! Yes, you can continue to spin while you do it and re-enact a scene from The Exorcist! That's gross, please don't do it!

(No offence, it was just a low roll on the power table)

Only registered members can see post attachments!

Meme Poker Party
Sep 1, 2006

THIS NEW AV WILL LET ME POST LIZARD TITS TWICE AS EFFICIENTLY!

IT'S GIVING ME A FUCKING BONER RIGHT NOW!


I am brimming with power. I feel it.

Fashionable Jorts
Jan 18, 2010

Maybe if I'm busy it could keep me from you





I only want a power that will help me rob a bank, otherwise whats the point?

Spinz
Jan 7, 2020



Smik posted:

Spinz your power is...

Spinning!
- Unlike normal people, you can spin at anytime, any place, at any speed without falling over!
- If you are in a vehicle that doesn't provide enough room for you to spin, you will cause the vehicle to spin wildly out of control! This will likely kill you and others, please don't do it!
- You will very likely throw up! Yes, you can continue to spin while you do it and re-enact a scene from The Exorcist! That's gross, please don't do it!

(No offence, it was just a low roll on the power table)



I have spun my chest and hair clean off YIKES

Smik
Mar 18, 2014



Supreme Allah posted:

I've been waiting 17 years for this thread

Supreme Allah, your power is...

THE 17 YEAR WAIT
- You have the ability to delay anything event that has begun in motion to not complete until 17 years later, once per event.
- Your ability takes 17 years to recharge after use.

WARNING: Do not attempt to prolong an orgasm for 17 years! You will die of dehydration and a heart attack!
- No seriously don't, I'm pretty sure it would stop being fun after five minutes.
- Yes you can probably give yourself an extra 17 years to live.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

Derpies
Mar 10, 2014

BORN TO AWOO
WORLD IS A TUG
Squatch Em All 1989
I am trash poster
42,069 DEAD WOLFGIRLS




i would like a power

Smik
Mar 18, 2014



Hairy Right Hook posted:

This is the perfect thread to try out my new shitpost catchphrase if I could remember what it was

Hairy Right Hook your power is...

poo poo CONTROL!
- You can force anyone within your line of sight to poo poo with as little or as much force as you wish!
- Your power is of Super rank, which means you can make your foes poo poo themselves to death!
- With enough practice you can eventually figure out how to make a target full-body prolapse!
- You are inevitably but silently blamed for any bout of diarrhea by anyone who knows you.
- If you are feeling especially cruel you can reverse the making GBS threads process. This takes a lot of effort.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

ninjoatse.cx
Apr 9, 2005



Fun Shoe

posting for powers

Nessus
Dec 22, 2003

To witness titanic events is always dangerous, usually painful, and often fatal.





I could benefit from a super-power, now that I reside in Joe Biden's America.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014



ClamdestineBoyster posted:

Id be like, the David hasselhoff of Whorewatch.

ClamdestineBoyster your power is...

BIVALVIA POWERS! (B-grade super)

You are gifted with the powers of bivalves like oysters and clams!
- You can tolerate even artic waters and cold!
- You can spray byssus threads to cement foes to hard surfaces! It's like Spider-Man's webs but a lot grosser!
- You can create a thick shell to defend yourself with! It is not terribly bullet-proof but it can withstand some blunt force trauma so it's better than nothing.
- You occasionally poo poo pearls. They are of very high quality and are very valuable but unfortunately they are not separate from your regular feces. You know one when you pass one though.
- Extremely virile.
- You have the power to talk to vaginas. Much like your shell in that while you don't have the power to command vaginas, it can provide some insight and is better than nothing.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

Smik
Mar 18, 2014




That strange guy your power is...

MINOR STRANGENESS CONTROL
- You can control how strange something seems to be, from "Nothing unusual" to "Let us not speak of this again"

- This power can let you do things that are strange but everyone at the time will consider what you're doing to be normal. Note that this power does not last indefinitely and so if you do something of consequence people will remember you doing it, they just didn't think what you were doing was "Strange at the time".

- You can also make perfectly innocuous things and behaviours seem extremely strange, but the most people will do is either stare, avoid looking at it, or ask the person doing the suddenly 'strange' behaviour to please stop.

- This is a good way to make your weird fetishes seem completely normal if you really want to talk about them, just keep in mind people will find them strange if they are brought up later and you're not around.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

Martman
Nov 20, 2006

SEXY... defines my posts and my ride


Gimme the juice

Smik
Mar 18, 2014



Zil posted:

Posting to find out my power

Zil, your power is...

The Ability to ZILLIFY! Zilllification allows you to turn any dill flavour into something that tastes like you!

You can also reverse the process, causing your body and its excretions to taste like dill!

This pretty much well can only be used for evil if we're being honest.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

RepeatingMeme
Dec 27, 2012

Have u seen thos pig balls tho







o gosh im afraid i dont have ANY powers, im just a huge LOSER . sorry to bother this thread, what a dunce move that was

Smik
Mar 18, 2014



kntfkr posted:

yo hey hi can I get a power please

kntfkr your power is...

VOWEL DELETION!
- You can remove the vowels from printed pages, Internet posts, and from speech!
- This impacts a person's thought processes as well, which can confuse and disorient! People will also not be able to find vowels on keyboards or remember how to write them!
- You can cause people to not hear or see vowels!
- Wizards and English teachers hate you!

Only registered members can see post attachments!

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Smik
Mar 18, 2014



Meme Poker Party posted:

I am brimming with power. I feel it.

Meme Poker Party (I'm so sorry but I rolled a 1 out of 100 so your power is really going to suck) your power is...

DE-MAMMIFICATION! You have the power to restore the mammary glands of cartoon characters to their natural form. This primarily only impacts media since there aren't any actual lizard tits in the wild, with the exception of people with breast implants.
- You can remove mammary glands from reptilian characters!
- You can reduce the mammary glands in mammals to being non-existent unless they are nursing!
- You can remove breast implants!
- Furries hate you!
- People who like boobs also hate you!

This power pretty much well only has evil application.

I'm sorry.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

Smik
Mar 18, 2014



Fashionable Jorts posted:

I only want a power that will help me rob a bank, otherwise whats the point?

Unfortunately Fashionable Jorts we are living at the whims of fate and fate has decided your power is...

FASHION CONTROL
- You have the ability to appear fashionable regardless of what you are wearing!
- This power is limited to yourself and only in person; any record of what you were wearing will reveal its true fashion.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

Exasperated Badger
Jun 9, 2009

"Come," he says. "Let me tell you a story. Once, there were four stalwart heroes..."


My officers chose me to get the Something-Awful Serum.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014



Derpies posted:

i would like a power

Derpies, your power is...

CONTROL STUPIDITY - Super Rank power!
- You can control the intensity of someone's stupidity; while this doesn't allow you to make someone smarter, you can minimize their stupidity to the point where truly stupid individuals will just come to a complete standstill!
- You can intensify the stupidity of others! With practice you could increase the stupidity of a target to the point of forgetting how to breathe properly!
- With this great power comes great responsibility; please use this for good as we have enough stupid in the world already!

Only registered members can see post attachments!

Funky See Funky Do
Aug 20, 2013
STILL TRYING HARD

Smik posted:

I don't really have a website, it's hosted on The Duck so their ads are their business. I just keep the domain name I got for it waaaaaay back when I first worked on it. I laid the comic to rest after my wife passed, but some recent event had me find some bits about how I made up weird powers for everyone commenting and wanted to do it again.

Funky See Funky Do: Your power is the ability to CONTROL HAIR! Not just your own, but the hair of others!

Your powers allow you to:
- Grow hair -- anywhere there are or were follicles. You can force grow hair in scant seconds. This allows you to blind people as their hair rapidly covers their entire face. Yes, you can also grow their pubes until it cripples their movement.
- Remove hair -- same as Grow Hair, but it falls out. This has psychological combat potential! Make your enemies bald, shatter their confidence, or make them think they've been radiated!
- Control hair -- you can shape and manipulate hair and can attack people with their own hair growth.

Your powers would legitimately allow you to enter the Super Hero or Villain business, or you could instead just operate the world's most powerful hair salon ever.



I swear to use my powers for good. Only giving men who own their baldness and shave their heads back a full of mane of thick luxurious hair and I guess people on chemo too. Evil-doers beware! I will put so much hair in your rear end crack you'll spend too much time wiping to commit any evil deeds.

Smik
Mar 18, 2014



ninjoatse.cx posted:

posting for powers

ninjoatse.cx your power is...

The art of NINJA GOATSE:
- You can cause any screen to display you know what.
- You can discreetly include you know what into any web page regardless of its security.
- For pages without the ability to display images, you know what will be displayed in ASCII or other means.
- You can target any device that reaches you, regardless of the security used to prevent tracking, effectively allowing you to display you know what to the screens of spammers or random posters.
- You are immune to you know what; you will simply move any shock material into your own arsenal.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

DeadFatDuckFat
Oct 29, 2012

This avatar brought to you by the 'save our dead gay forums' foundation.


How do people find out their lame abilities, are they just born knowing they can do X thing?

Smik
Mar 18, 2014



Nessus posted:

I could benefit from a super-power, now that I reside in Joe Biden's America.

Nessus your power is...

Indifference to Titanic Events!
- You can sense titanic events shortly before they occur and react with indifference!
- Indifference allows you to keep a calm head and react to said events without panic!
- Indifference also allows you to be calm enough to lie convincingly even if you've just recently been shot with a poisonous arrow that is causing you excruciating pain!
- Please note that Indifference interferes with fight-or-flight functions like adrenaline. Only use Indifference during times where panic would be detrimental. Ask your doctor if Indifference is right for you.

Only registered members can see post attachments!

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Play
Apr 25, 2006

So I roll with a rolling thunder
And I howl with the howling wind
And I drift downstream for as long as it takes
To get up and around the bend

Humility is a virtue, so I'd be happy with any superpower no matter how seemingly useless or powerful.

The real superpower is the power of love and acceptance

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