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The Onion is an American satirical digital media company and newspaper organization that publishes articles on international, national, and local news. The company is based in Chicago but originated as a weekly print publication on August 29, 1988 in Madison, Wisconsin.[1] The Onion began publishing online in early 1996. In 2007, they began publishing satirical news audio and video online as the Onion News Network. In 2013, The Onion ceased publishing its print edition and launched Onion Labs, an advertising agency.[3][4]

The Onion's articles cover current events, both real and fictional, parodying the tone and format of traditional news organizations with stories, editorials, and man-on-the-street interviews using a traditional news website layout and an editorial voice modeled after that of the Associated Press. The publication's humor often depends on presenting mundane, everyday events as newsworthy, surreal, or alarming, such as "Rotation Of Earth Plunges Entire North American Continent Into Darkness".[5] In 1999, comedian Bob Odenkirk praised the publication as "the best comedy writing in the country".[6]

The Onion also runs The A.V. Club and formerly ran ClickHole. The A.V. Club was created in 1993 as a supplement to the parent publication. It is an entertainment and pop culture publication that contains interviews and reviews of newly released media and other weekly features. ClickHole is a satirical website founded in 2014 which parodies clickbait websites such as BuzzFeed and Upworthy.[7] ClickHole was acquired by Cards Against Humanity in February 2020.

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NORFOLK, VA—According to numerous reports, local 62-year-old Earl Bailey, who owns a shotgun and several boxes of ammunition, is currently the last bastion of defense between the United States of America and the federal government’s plot of a full-scale takeover.

Bailey, a recent retiree and a proud advocate of gun rights, has been confirmed by multiple sources as being a true patriot, and is, at present, the only person capable of preventing top-secret forces within the government from striking and forcefully coercing hundreds of millions of Americans to submit to a fascist and brutal New World Order.

Since the early 1990s, sources estimated the gun owner has staved off innumerable large-scale government threats, all from the center of his 12-acre ranch.

“It is every American’s right to be good and armed, and that’s a right that should always be protected,” said Bailey, now the sole American protecting the nation from the government’s hidden plot of disarming all citizens, gradually gaining control of the mass media, and installing martial law throughout the nation’s streets. “Our Founding Fathers intended for each and every one of us to protect ourselves from tyranny. That’s what America is all about.”

“What happens when the feds show up at your front door and start telling you how much meat you can eat or how to raise your kids?” continued the lifetime NRA member, brandishing the very weapon that now serves as the final hope of staving off a totalitarian state. “Is that the future you want?”

Bailey, who keeps his gun on his person at all times and regularly patrols his property in his truck, has reportedly struck dread into the very highest-ranking members of the U.S. government. According to sources, top government and military officials are fully aware that they remain unable to commence with their oppressive, systematic subjugation of the American populace as long as the 62-year-old owner of a rifle exists.

Additional reports confirmed that Bailey’s frequent practice of shooting his gun at empty bean cans in his backyard has repeatedly forced government officials to reassess both their ground and air strategies for the impending takeover.

“The way I see it, the Second Amendment’s been keeping this nation free and secure for well over 200 years,” Bailey said, valiantly standing in front of his home that is constantly being monitored by CIA agents and elite Special Forces operatives, who are told to maintain a safe distance from the formidable 62-year-old. “First they’ll come for our guns and next…well, shoot, I don’t really plan on ever seeing what the hell happens next.”

While the federal government is more than adequately prepared to begin the first phase of its plan of convoying Second Amendment adherents to newly established FEMA concentration camps, high-level members of the Obama Administration involved in the widespread conspiracy confirmed that they have been forced to resort to alternate methods due solely to Bailey’s heroics.

“As long as there’s someone like Earl out there with a gun and ammunition, we are unable to carry out our attack on America,” said Maxwell Caufield, a covert military leader in charge of the operation to turn the country into an authoritarian, one-party state wherein the basic rights of citizens are stripped away in order to create total government control. “Try as we did to spread our distorted gun control propaganda—claiming that it would protect innocent people across the country from needless deaths—the man just wouldn’t bite. There is simply nothing we can do about Earl and his gun, drat him.”

“You’ve got to hand it to him, really,” Caufield added. “If it weren’t for Earl, you’d be looking at a totally different country.”

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WASHINGTON—Members of the brilliant, highly trained, and dedicated team of elite professionals who work tirelessly behind the scenes to protect our nation and keep its citizens out of harm’s way announced Tuesday that they do not exist.

“I know most Americans like to believe there are selfless, ultra-intelligent operatives like me out there watching over everything from an underground control room,” said the Rhodes Scholar Navy SEAL national security official who for the past 10 years we have all mistakenly presumed to be an actual human being. “Unfortunately, though, I’m not employed by the U.S. government, I’m not working at all hours to foil terrorist plots, nor am I part of some secret network of sharp, capable agents, because no such network exists.”

“And again, neither do I,” the imaginary man added.

According to the utterly nonexistent super-geniuses who we’ve been telling ourselves are keeping our nation safe with their superior technology and lightning-fast decision-making abilities, there are currently no living people who resemble them at the Pentagon, CIA, FBI, DHS, TSA, or any other federal, state, or local law enforcement agency, and there never really have been at any point in American history.

Fictitious sources also confirmed that the so-called “masterminds” behind our country’s security and strategic defense are in fact people of moderate to reasonably above-average intelligence just like us who perform their jobs with more or less the same degree of competence and zeal as any regular person with a job would.

“Obviously, it would be very comforting, and pretty cool, if there were stealth groups of resourceful, naturally gifted secret agents like me scouring the planet, rooting out terrorist sleeper cells, and tracking down Osama bin Laden,” said a multilingual computer/ explosives/espionage expert who most Americans actually believe is a real guy out there. “I’m not denying that would be amazing; my only point is that it just isn’t true.”

“Believe me, I wish I existed, too,” the fake man added. “I would probably be great.”

Following the announcement, reporters learned that the all-seeing satellite cameras and invisible eyes that millions of Americans assume are diligently watching every square-inch of the country like a silent sentinel are either not up there at all, or are being monitored by a tired, modestly educated man reading Road & Track magazine in a tiny office.

And, despite the widely held belief in some sort of all-knowing superagency that secretly controls all the other intelligence branches from above, attempts by reporters to contact such an agency were unsuccessful, as there is no way this is actually a thing.

“Look, I understand your psychological need to invent someone like me so that you can stop worrying about imminent disasters and get some sleep at night,” said the hyper-articulate, Princeton-educated political-scientist jujitsu-master we’re all imagining. “But the reality is most of the smart, qualified people in this country are wasting away in assistant professorships at struggling public universities or making millions of dollars in some venture capital group. In fact, that’s exactly the kind of job I would have right now if I were a real person. Which I’m not.”

“But good luck with everything,” he added, or rather didn’t add, because he neither said anything nor even ever existed at all.

In response to the announcement, members of the actual team of government workers in charge of keeping our country safe each day sought to reassure the American people that the nation’s welfare is in good hands.

“Oh, yeah, don’t worry about it,” said the underpaid 28-year-old GED recipient who makes you take off your shoes and throw away your water bottle before you get on an airplane. “We got all kinds of crazy computers and poo poo to monitor things, so there’s no way anything can go wrong. We got you covered.”

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Over the course of the half-hour show, the 12,000-pound animal reportedly grew increasingly panicked, making numerous futile attempts to scramble up and over the vertical sides of the enclosure. Sources said the clapping and whistling from the audience slowly tapered off as the exhausted elephant made gradually slower circuits of the tank’s perimeter in a desperate search of any possible exit point it could use to save itself.

“It tried to smash through the side of the tank with its tusks at one point, which is when I thought some dolphins or an orca might come swimming out of the gate and help push the elephant to safety, which would have been incredible—but nope,” said SeaWorld guest Erika Morganstern, 22, who suspected that the tank walls had been heavily reinforced, given the animal’s continuous, ultimately ineffectual efforts to throw its enormous bulk against the glass. “Eventually, the elephant started making these crazy sorts of gurgling, trumpeting noises that got quieter and quieter before they stopped completely.”

https://www.theonion.com/the-onion-endorses-legal-marijuana-1834080638 posted:

For years, critics have warned that marijuana is a slippery slope to more dangerous drugs and activities—they are correct, and that is exactly why it should be legalized. Ending the prohibition on cannabis will send a clear message that we are a society on the verge of collapse, and hopefully inspire the citizens of this nation to make the final push over the edge. The Onion’s editorial board dreams of a day when stabbing someone in the spinal column and eating them in the street is perfectly legal. We’ve been fighting since day one against restrictions on human freedom, and a world in which marijuana is legal is a world not far from legalizing assault or bestiality. We will break the stifling bonds of human morality once and for all.

Marx Headroom posted:

Nathan Eckert posted:

This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Americanism

George W. Bush may think that a war against Iraq is the solution to our problems, but the reality is, it will only serve to create far more.

This war will not put an end to anti-Americanism; it will fan the flames of hatred even higher. It will not end the threat of weapons of mass destruction; it will make possible their further proliferation. And it will not lay the groundwork for the flourishing of democracy throughout the Mideast; it will harden the resolve of Arab states to drive out all Western (i.e. U.S.) influence.

If you thought Osama bin Laden was bad, just wait until the countless children who become orphaned by U.S. bombs in the coming weeks are all grown up. Do you think they will forget what country dropped the bombs that killed their parents? In 10 or 15 years, we will look back fondly on the days when there were only a few thousand Middle Easterners dedicated to destroying the U.S. and willing to die for the fundamentalist cause. From this war, a million bin Ladens will bloom.

And what exactly is our endgame here? Do we really believe that we can install Gen. Tommy Franks as the ruler of Iraq? Is our arrogance and hubris so great that we actually believe that a U.S. provisional military regime will be welcomed with open arms by the Iraqi people? Democracy cannot possibly thrive under coercion. To take over a country and impose one’s own system of government without regard for the people of that country is the very antithesis of democracy. And it is doomed to fail.

A war against Iraq is not only morally wrong, it will be an unmitigated disaster.

Bob Sheffer posted:

No It Won’t

It just won’t. None of that will happen.

You’re getting worked up over nothing. Everything is going to be fine. So just relax, okay? You’re really overreacting.

“This war will not put an end to anti-Americanism; it will fan the flames of hatred even higher”?

It won’t.

“It will harden the resolve of Arab states to drive out all Western (i.e. U.S.) influence”?

Not really.

“A war against Iraq is not only morally wrong, it will be an unmitigated disaster”?

Sorry, no, I disagree.

“To take over a country and impose one’s own system of government without regard for the people of that country is the very antithesis of democracy”?

You are completely wrong.

Trust me, it’s all going to work out perfect. Nothing bad is going to happen. It’s all under control.

Why do you keep saying these things? I can tell when there’s trouble looming, and I really don’t sense that right now. We’re in control of this situation, and we know what we’re doing. So stop being so pessimistic.

Look, you’ve been proven wrong, so stop talking. You’ve had your say already. Be quiet, okay? Everything’s fine.

You’re wrong.

DMCrimson posted:

Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over' (The most prescient Onion article ever)
https://www.theonion.com/bush-our-long-national-nightmare-of-peace-and-prosperi-1819565882

palindrome posted:

"Our Dumb Century" the book has some historical zingers. It can be a fun way to find out who the cool older people are, versus those that don't grasp or appreciate satire.

palindrome posted:

"Our Dumb Century" the book has some historical zingers. It can be a fun way to find out who the cool older people are, versus those that don't grasp or appreciate satire.

quote:

...Early in the evening, NBC's on-screen outline of Gore was colored blue, signifying life. At 11:17 p.m. EST, it turned red, indicating death. When word arrived that Gore had a pulse but no signs of brain activity, the outline reverted to its original uncolored state, meaning "unconfirmed."

In the hours following the erroneous report, NBC was more cautious about making projections, posting the latest readings from Gore's blood-pressure monitor but refraining from speculating about his overall status.

posted yesterday posted:

BOSTON—Calling the benefit the only way to lure employees back into the workforce following the pandemic, local employer Apex Insurance announced Wednesday that it would begin offering basic dignity as an incentive for new hires. “Frankly, we don’t have the resources to hand out respect to every new hire, but if what’s needed is a perk like acknowledging that our employees are human beings rather than profit-producing cogs, then we’ll do it,” said Apex CEO Brandon Chenoweth, noting that the suite of basic decency benefits would include not actively degrading workers in front of their faces, openly speaking to them about the company’s problems as if they were adults, and even occasionally crediting them for their own work. “It was astonishing to see the number of potential employees in this post-Covid environment who turned down job offers simply because I acted like they were a literal piece of garbage whose fate rested in my palm. That’s new, and it shows that the pandemic is going to require some real inventiveness to get them back in the door and working like mules to boost our bottom line.” Chenoweth added that he hoped once the job market stabilized in a few months he would soon get back to treating his employees like absolute dogshit.

palindrome posted:

"Our Dumb Century" the book has some historical zingers. It can be a fun way to find out who the cool older people are, versus those that don't grasp or appreciate satire.