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Mr. Sharps posted:always liked the autistic reporter michael falk vids the most I just recently found out he had a recurring part on Law and Order.
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Aug 4, 2021 04:14
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Will always love them for this one https://twitter.com/TheOnion/status/1033061666047623169
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Aug 4, 2021 05:32
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 Well, well, well, JRPG fans. Look where we find ourselves yet again. For years, you’ve tried to get Nintendo to re-release Earthbound, and, once more, they’ve callously spurned your pleas without a second thought. Time and again, your peaceful means of bringing about an updated version of the 1995 cult classic have failed. Perhaps it’s time to start thinking about…other strategies. Just something to consider, gamers. Clearly, we’re not suggesting you go out and do anything drastic this moment, but the time has passed for civil means of engagement, no? Certainly, you’ve tried your best to use so-called “acceptable” tactics to get Nintendo to release a 1080p remaster of Shigesato Itoi’s psychedelic riff on classic Americana: social media campaigns, petitions, you name it. And they didn’t listen to any of it. So now, maybe it’s time to make them listen. As all great leaders know, there comes a point at which an injustice becomes so gross, so flagrant, that regular political tactics don’t apply. You’ve tried to be fair with Nintendo, and they’ve repeatedly shown they have no interest in your completely reasonable requests for a proper Switch port of the pioneering SNES game. If you think they’re going to have a change of heart, well, then, you must be pretty naive about the powerful forces holding back this remaster. Are you naive, gamers? We didn’t think so. At this point, they’re basically forcing you to do something that, shall we say, makes a bigger statement. It’s not like you’re asking for a lot, gamers. The original version ran on a 12-megabit cartridge, for God’s sake. All they’d have to do is jack up the resolution, maybe spruce up some textures, and they would make everyone happy. But instead, they choose to sit in their sheltered palaces, working on Lego Star Wars while millions of Earthbound fans must suffer. If you’re like us, you’ve spent hours fantasizing about guiding Ness and his friends through their adventures in the eight sanctuaries, collecting melodies as you try to stop the cosmic destroyer Giygas. Yes, these are just fantasies, but you could make them a reality, if you wanted to. Perhaps it’s time to shake this system up. Perhaps it’s time to burn it all down. So ask yourself, how much do you actually care about an Earthbound rerelease? We’ll be watching CNN tonight to find out. https://www.theonion.com/something-to-consider-earthbound-fans-it-appears-pe-1847616664
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Sep 19, 2021 20:32
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General Dog posted:Has there ever been an onion article that's actually worth reading in full, rather than just the headline? no which is why clickhole/reductress et al. kind of beat them at their own game most of the time
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Sep 19, 2021 20:49
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General Dog posted:Has there ever been an onion article that's actually worth reading in full, rather than just the headline? https://www.theonion.com/fritolaysia-cuts-off-chiplomatic-relations-with-snakist-1819568143 https://www.theonion.com/national-funk-congress-deadlocked-on-get-up-get-down-is-1819565355
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Sep 19, 2021 21:41
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General Dog posted:Has there ever been an onion article that's actually worth reading in full, rather than just the headline? https://www.theonion.com/u-s-ambassador-to-bulungi-suspected-of-making-country-1819564610
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Sep 19, 2021 23:12
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General Dog posted:Has there ever been an onion article that's actually worth reading in full, rather than just the headline? one step ahead of real news media
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Sep 19, 2021 23:34
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General Dog posted:Has there ever been an onion article that's actually worth reading in full, rather than just the headline? https://www.theonion.com/exhausted-noam-chomsky-just-going-to-try-and-enjoy-the-1819571502
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Sep 20, 2021 00:32
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https://www.theonion.com/democrats-sick-of-being-blamed-for-cowardice-on-issues-1847675639
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Sep 20, 2021 00:34
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Yossarian-22 posted:https://www.theonion.com/exhausted-noam-chomsky-just-going-to-try-and-enjoy-the-1819571502 lmao
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Sep 20, 2021 01:37
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Yossarian-22 posted:https://www.theonion.com/exhausted-noam-chomsky-just-going-to-try-and-enjoy-the-1819571502 this is good
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Sep 20, 2021 02:40
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I enjoy The Onion. “ Catholic Church Not About To Be Out-Molested By Goddamn Boy Scouts” https://www.theonion.com/catholic-church-not-about-to-be-out-molested-by-goddamn-1836702707
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Sep 20, 2021 03:01
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And thank you to The Onion for spawning Clickhole, even if they no longer own it. https://clickhole.com/i-don-t-let-my-kids-watch-winnie-the-pooh-because-i-don-1825124045/ I Don’t Let My Kids Watch Winnie The Pooh Because I Don’t Want Them Idolizing A Fat Virgin As a parent, I feel like everywhere I turn, someone is warning me about the dangers of letting my children watch TV. While I agree that it can be harmful in large doses, honestly, what really matters to me is just making sure that when my children do watch TV, they’re watching shows that impart some sort of positive value into their lives. This also means steering them away from programs that might affect them negatively, which is why I never allow my children to watch anything featuring Winnie the Pooh, the fat virgin. If you’re unfamiliar, Winnie the Pooh is a brainless bear who lives in the forest and slowly makes the world bad. He has beady serpent eyes and zero genitals, which is something we know because he never wears any pants or undergarments. In fact, he’s practically bragging about not having a penis. But even if he did have a penis, he wouldn’t know it, because his fat belly would keep him from seeing anything below his sad bear tits. It makes me mad just thinking about it. This bear, he just wanders around eating honey out of a jar with his bare hands like a fat savage. I hate it. One thing that can be assumed about the dickless sad sack called Winnie the Pooh is that he is a virgin. He clearly has never hosed. He is a simpering, high-voiced virgin who spends all his time leering at a little boy named Christopher. It’s disgusting. I don’t want my kids being exposed to that. I’m not going to be like, “Hey, kids, come watch the emasculated bear with the scary fingerless hands who’s never hosed a day in his life and who is obsessed with a little boy of a different species.” That’d be irresponsible and gross. He is a simpering, high-voiced virgin who spends all his time leering at a little boy named Christopher. “But what do you let your kids watch?” you might ask. I’d much rather my kids watch the gently caress machine named Big Bird. Big Bird is the towering human bird from PBS who you can tell is just constantly loving. He’s got that swagger. There are a lot of good lessons children can learn from a major-league pussy-crusher like Big Bird, such as the importance of confidence, courage, and friendship. Winnie the Pooh, on the other hand, wouldn’t know the first thing about courage. If he were on United Airlines Flight 93, for example, not only would he have not joined the revolt against the terrorists, but he probably would’ve gotten down on his yellow knees and sucked the terrorists’ cocks one by one. “Oh, bother!” he would shrug as the al-Qaeda operatives drilled the back of his throat with their pube-slathered ding-dongs. What a coward, this pathetic bear. I cannot fathom how any parent could ever willingly expose their children to trash like Winnie the Pooh. It seems like a guaranteed recipe to ensure that your kids grow up to be pitiful, dead-eyed perverts who will never know the heavenly joys of loving. If you want your kids to grow up to be brave and smart, you should let them watch either the impressive sex duck Big Bird, the cunning potato named Arthur, or Babar the indoor elephant. Winnie the Pooh is a walking disease, and if I ever catch my kids watching him, I will spank them with my belt. And if you’re a good parent, you will do the same.
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Sep 20, 2021 03:11
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what did you do, onion. what did you do https://www.theonion.com/clinton-threatens-to-drop-da-bomb-on-iraq-1819564617 where the gently caress is the map
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Oct 31, 2021 20:20
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every old article's photo is missing
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Oct 31, 2021 20:20
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i say swears online posted:every old article's photo is missing The venture capital firm that owns The Onion and the zombie Gawker Media sites hosed up their transition to a new CMS platform and lost the links to media on all their sites. Years of pictures are gone or broken.
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Nov 1, 2021 02:31
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Thankfully, it still exists
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Nov 1, 2021 02:55
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Nov 1, 2021 03:54
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This and the worst person you know always get a laugh out of me.
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Nov 1, 2021 07:19
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paging bust rodd
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Nov 1, 2021 08:47
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https://twitter.com/TheOnion/status/1455927884326002690
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Nov 3, 2021 19:56
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PotatoJudge posted:The venture capital firm that owns The Onion and the zombie Gawker Media sites hosed up their transition to a new CMS platform and lost the links to media on all their sites. Years of pictures are gone or broken. something awful's undeniable influence on the internet
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Nov 4, 2021 16:37
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9QisdRPwEM
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Nov 4, 2021 16:48
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lol
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Nov 4, 2021 17:11
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General Dog posted:Has there ever been an onion article that's actually worth reading in full, rather than just the headline? https://www.theonion.com/ill-smoke-anything-1819583468
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Nov 4, 2021 19:22
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I keep having this dream where I'm at an auction of Nazi memorabilia. Hitler's mustache is on the block, and I bid $18 million and get it, beating out all these museum people and fascists. Then I go home, put some Bach on low, and roll those little mustache hairs into a tight little E-Z Wider joint.
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Nov 4, 2021 19:23
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bump
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Aug 2, 2023 02:33
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in the last year or so i've laughed at reductress and hard times more than the onion. rip
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Aug 2, 2023 02:37
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i say swears online posted:in the last year or so i've laughed at reductress and hard times more than the onion. rip this u? https://twitter.com/TheOnion/status/1686557450411950080
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Aug 2, 2023 03:32
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local man would rather loving kill himself than go on zoloft, reports parents, loved ones
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Aug 2, 2023 03:58
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