Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us money per month for bills, and since we don't believe in showing ads to our users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
 
  • Post
  • Reply
Bismuth
Jun 10, 2010

the belly button hungers

Hell Gem

Today I walked downstairs and found my roommate watching Pixar’s Cars, a movie I had never seen. I knew about Cars, and have seen some of the discourse about it, but even as a child I really didnt have any interest in watching it, it just looked weird as hell, so I never bothered, but now out of pure inertia I sat down and watched the whole movie.

As I watched it, all the normal stuff that sticks out to people stuck out to me too; the lack of humans despite car door handles, the presence of baby cars suggesting cars could reproduce on their own, the memorial to a dead car suggesting cars could die as well, etc. You know, you’ve read articles about how weird the Cars universe is.

What really stood out to me though was that dead car and his widow. They were Model-Ts, specifically from the 1920s, which made me pay a little more attention to the other cars in town. Doc Hudson is based on a 1950s car, and in flashbacks to the town’s history the cars all seemed to resemble models present in the equivalent years to human-earth years. You may be saying “yeah no poo poo” but listen, this matters because a lot of the theories I later looked up about the cars universe suggest that cars became more intelligent and self-sufficient over time and overthrew/killed off the human race that built them, BUT, the presence of sapient cars from the earliest days of cars makes that theory impossible. Their presence implies that cars have been sapient from the earliest days of mass-produced automobiles.


Widowed Model-T and her dead husband

If cars were always sapient and their bodies full of eyeballs and organs (presumably), then they were never actually vehicles in the first place, they were always autonomous entities living their autonomous lives. Now, if history seems to be going at a normal pace and didnt just start when cars were invented, what came before them? My friend said “bicycles” which, ok maybe, but they were only invented int he early 1800s so that doesnt explain how car america could have presumably been founded in car 1776. Steam powered vehicles only go back to the 1600s or so too, so that still leaves an immense amount of time for car civilization to exist prior, and it did exist as we can see by the existence of a catholic popemobile.


Cartholicism

So how does all of this go back to centaurs? Well, I was thinking, what were the “vehicles” before steam or gas powered automobiles? Horses. The cars even talk about “horsepower”, and yet there are no non-vehicle animals, let alone horses present in the world. Sure this could hearken to a My Little Pony situation where the sapient horses are just that, using magic horns or their hooves to navigate the world, but there are power tools and car door handles that seem to suggest the presence of humanoid hands at some point in this world’s history.


Tool made for human hands

So what is a sapient horse that also has human hands? A centaur.

Now on to the cybernetics angle. I propose that the cars(planes, etc) didnt “wipe out” their creators, but they are their creators. The infrastructure of the world also supports this. When you see the cars in very old countries with buildings built long before the rise of automobiles, the doors still accommodate them, in fact in this shot you can see the door is even much taller than the car using it. Does this mean the car is tiny? I dont think so, I think this door is huge because it was meant to be used by a horse bodied man.


Bigass doors for bigass centaurs

I think the cars (and planes) in the cars universe are the result of a centaur civilization slowly cybernetically enhancing themselves over the years until they fully abandoned their original forms. Those car bodies are full of a mix of organic and cybernetic organs, those handles and old tools are left over from when they still had human hands. They still reproduce sexually (somehow) or perhaps in some kind of laboratory setting, and then their baby centaur bodies or whatever genetically altered organic mess they are now, are fitted into tiny car bodies to get them used to being cyborgs as they age. New cars are becoming more advanced every year not because they’re “evolving” at some rapid pace, but because they’re being designed that way just like real life.


Baby centaur (center)


They can die of old age because they’re organic inside, new models are produced because the outside of the car is constructed around the organic interiors, every year stripping away more and more of the original flesh. The more efficient and advanced the machinery gets the less organic parts are needed, making the cars more streamlined and mechanical. Eventually, if not already, they strip away everything but the developing centaur brain and implant it directly into the machine.

Cyborgs and robots based on humans are usually depicted as human shaped (terminator, etc) but they dont have to be human shaped. If a non-human society created cyborgs they would logically probably follow their body plan, not ours.


Early model?


More advanced but not very efficient designs that retain centaur shape

Now you might be asking “If they were originally centaurs why dont they just look like centaurs still?”

Simple: aerodynamics. These Centcars obviously have a serious need for speed, and a centaur body is just not that aerodynamic. Just like real cars over time they kept smoothing, rounding, and simplifying their bodies to achieve maximum efficiency and maximum speed, eventually through convergent evolution becoming the familiar car shapes we know today in the real world.


Much better than a centaur


TL;DR: Cars is not a horrible universe where human beings invented cars only to be wiped out by them, or one where cars took over after the accidental extinction of the human race. Its an alternate earth history where centaurs were the dominant intelligent species and chose a path of full body cybernetics for optimum efficiency.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

titty_baby_
Nov 11, 2015

Buddykins/ Alec Eiffel Alt

Good job OP

William Henry Hairytaint
Oct 29, 2011



I heard there's a ghost in one of the scenes but some people claim it's just a cardboard cutout.

Alucard
Mar 11, 2002


Pillbug

Writing samples for the front page were due months ago dude

Nooner
Mar 26, 2007
Probation
Can't post for 28 days!


the cars all suck n gently caress eachother in the garafge after a hard days racing

Johnny Aztec
Jan 29, 2005

by Hand Knit


Lemme ask the important question here



What kind of genitals do these centaur-car things have

Nooner
Mar 26, 2007
Probation
Can't post for 28 days!


Johnny Aztec posted:

Lemme ask the important question here



What kind of genitals do these centaur-car things have

big floppy dongs

Supreme Allah
Oct 6, 2004

everybody relax, i'm here


Nap Ghost

Why are you roommates with a little boy

Vernii
Dec 7, 2006



Sorry the truth is more horrifying, the cars are just a complicated life support system for the vestige of humanity trapped inside each of them.

Tip
Mar 21, 2006

Your move, creep.



Bismuth posted:

The infrastructure of the world also supports this. When you see the cars in very old countries with buildings built long before the rise of automobiles, the doors still accommodate them, in fact in this shot you can see the door is even much taller than the car using it. Does this mean the car is tiny? I dont think so, I think this door is huge because it was meant to be used by a horse bodied man.


Bigass doors for bigass centaurs

How tall do you think little european cars are? That style of car is like 4.5 feet tall probably, any old door would be plenty tall.

Despite never having seen any of the Cars/Planes films I was actually thinking about this as I was falling asleep the other night, and I grabbed my phone and wrote the following down:
A horror game based on a Cars-like universe

You're walking along through the woods when you come upon a house with an old, battered carport. Within the shadows you can see an outline of a cartoonish old pickup truck, as you get nearer it slowly blinks it's eyes open, revealing it as a living car with big expressive eyes. It rolls forward a bit and smiles, says "Welcome to spark plug valley! Why don't you come closer so I can get a better look at you?"
You start to approach and the smile widens, mouth opening further, and you stop, and take a step back but before you're even sure what's happening a tongue shoots of the mouth and wraps around your legs. You struggle helplessly as the tongue starts to slowly pull you in.

You look for anything to grab onto and see that you're actually being pulled near a stump, and better than that there's a small hatchet embedded in the top. You let the beast pull you closer and as the axe comes into range you grab it and start hacking into the tongue. With the second strike the tongue recoils and releases you as the truck dashes forward, screaming and spitting blood.

You run backwards, holding the axe up defensively while looking every direction for a way out of this. You run for the house and just as you get on the porch the truck crashes behind you, collapsing half of the deck you're standing on. The truck screams incoherently and revs it's engine, backfires, and then the motor dies.

The door to the house opens and an old man walks out, "drat thing finally ran out of gas. Can't believe it took so long, never got more than 3 or 4 miles to the gallon."

Korthal
May 26, 2011



Vernii posted:

Sorry the truth is more horrifying, the cars are just a complicated life support system for the vestige of humanity trapped inside each of them.



It's not like they're in agony, or even suffering for that matter.

Wes Warhammer
Oct 19, 2012





The only thing I remember of the Cars franchise is the part in Cars 2 where they torture a guy by forcing him to go faster and faster until the experimental oil he uses exploded. This doesn't have anything to do with car physiology but it did make me think "drat what a hosed up movie this is"

large hands
Jan 24, 2006


Really makes you think.

Bismuth
Jun 10, 2010

the belly button hungers

Hell Gem

Nooner posted:

the cars all suck n gently caress eachother in the garafge after a hard days racing

This is true, theres no other explanation for them having big luscious lips and tongues

Johnny Aztec posted:

Lemme ask the important question here



What kind of genitals do these centaur-car things have
Depends on if they're still relying on some kind of organic system or if they have robo-junk. If its robo-junk then it could be anything they want. Skys the limit. They do seem to have something going on under the rear end-end of the car though because it seems to be shocking when Ramone lifts his rear end to show a "pin-striping tattoo" to a couple of minivans


Tip posted:

How tall do you think little european cars are? That style of car is like 4.5 feet tall probably, any old door would be plenty tall.

Ok but that car is also as WIDE as the door, are they really only the size of those little electric barbie cars?

1redflag
Feb 15, 2012

I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!


Lol OP, you have a very rudimentary view of life #namaste

Devils Affricate
Jan 22, 2010


You can see through their side windows that they have hollow cabins with seats. What's up with that?

Bismuth
Jun 10, 2010

the belly button hungers

Hell Gem

Devils Affricate posted:

You can see through their side windows that they have hollow cabins with seats. What's up with that?

Do you have a screenshot? I think youre thinking of those gas station cars, all the pixar cars have this opaque layer behind the windows

BrassRoots
Jan 9, 2012

You can play a shoestring if you're sincere - John Coltrane

Phew! I'm glad this finally got settled. Now my 5 year old can KNOW the TRUTH. That humans are still masters of the universe and that one day we will find a planet of cybernetically enhanced centaurs to bomb back into the 1920s.

DeadFatDuckFat
Oct 29, 2012

This avatar brought to you by the 'save our dead gay forums' foundation.


OP how many cars have you hosed

Xaintrailles
Aug 14, 2015



Solidly and comprehensively argued. Goodmine.

Mega64
May 23, 2008



Thank you for solving one of life’s greatest mysteries OP.

Bismuth
Jun 10, 2010

the belly button hungers

Hell Gem

DeadFatDuckFat posted:

OP how many cars have you hosed

who among us hasn't stared longingly at a good looking exhaust pipe

Johnny Aztec
Jan 29, 2005

by Hand Knit


There is an old cartoon (50s?) where you have anthromorphic car people. The father is a taxi cab, and expects his son to also be one.

The son wants to be a RACE CAR and ....puts on a new skin to be a race car.


Anyway, it established that if you open the trunk on a Car Person, you are staring at a giant booty.
That's right. They do indeed have " all that junk, up in that trunk"

Good soup!
Nov 1, 2010



I scrolled through this without reading and I gotta say

Cars sucked rear end!!

Elburroman
Dec 27, 2012


10/10 would watch a spooky pg scifi horror where the plucky centaur protagonist has to lead her people through a montage of getting car'd in order to defeat the ocean or whatever

bicentennial men meets bambi i guess. oof. scrap it

Weka
May 5, 2019

And if you gaze long into an abyss, you will say `look, no ring.`

Your argument that cars are cybernetic centaurs rests on their presumed original meat forms being tall and having hands. They could be anything from slendermans to lamia. Methinks OP is horny for horsey.

Bismuth
Jun 10, 2010

the belly button hungers

Hell Gem

Weka posted:

Your argument that cars are cybernetic centaurs rests on their presumed original meat forms being tall and having hands. They could be anything from slendermans to lamia. Methinks OP is horny for horsey.

Completely wrong.

My argument is that Cars were sapient vehicles from the start and the oldest form of vehicle is the horse. Four legs, four tires (more later when they became more specialized). The centaur part is because there is some evidence of human existence but only in the sense that there are old tools and stuff that fit their hands, however there is no old human-sized/shaped infrastructure or buildings which there should be if they ever existed. If you combine human intelligence and hands with horses you get centaurs. Cars and horses are both large cumbersome things and their buildings fit those bodies and modes of movement. Centaur civilization became car civilization.

Icochet
Mar 18, 2008

I have a very small TV. Don't make fun of it! Please don't shame it like that~


Grimey Drawer

Forklifts do all the labor in Cars world, are they like slaves or just the proletariat?

Also there's cars, planes, ships, trains and blimps but no motorcycles. Why not? Did the cars genocide the bikes at some point, or were the millions and millions of forklifts bikes once, taken by the dark powers, tortured and mutilated? A ruined and terrible form of life.

Nefarious 2.0
Apr 22, 2008

Offense is overrated anyway.



op what do you know about babu frik

Heated Gaming Moment
Feb 27, 2016

YOSPOS




Nooner posted:

the goons all suck n gently caress eachother in the garafge after a hard days posting

Lil Swamp Booger Baby
Aug 1, 1981

MTV




After carefully considering the whole situation, and I stand with my back to the wall... walking is better than running away.

And crawling? Ain't not good at all.

And if guilt is the question; then truth is the answer, I've been lyin' to me all alone
There ain't nothin' worth savin'
Except one another
And before you'll wake up
I'll be gone.

Weka
May 5, 2019

And if you gaze long into an abyss, you will say `look, no ring.`

Bismuth posted:

Completely wrong.

My argument is that Cars were sapient vehicles from the start and the oldest form of vehicle is the horse. Four legs, four tires (more later when they became more specialized). The centaur part is because there is some evidence of human existence but only in the sense that there are old tools and stuff that fit their hands, however there is no old human-sized/shaped infrastructure or buildings which there should be if they ever existed. If you combine human intelligence and hands with horses you get centaurs. Cars and horses are both large cumbersome things and their buildings fit those bodies and modes of movement. Centaur civilization became car civilization.

So your claim is Cars began as a vehicle but there were no humans? What were they a vehicle for?
Now look at that impact gun you posted earlier as evidence of human hands. That's not sized for human or centaur hands.

Don't take all this as too strong a criticism OP, like any great theory there is some workshopping to be done.

Weka
May 5, 2019

And if you gaze long into an abyss, you will say `look, no ring.`

Nefarious 2.0 posted:

op what do you know about babu frik

I know he friked your mom!

The Management
Jan 2, 2010

sup, bitch?


While the op presents a compelling scenario, I don’t believe it stands up to scrutiny.

For one, centaurs are dumb as poo poo. There’s no way they’d have the technology to build cyborg bodies for themselves.

Second, the Cars are obviously based on human-designed cars. Why would centaurs design cars with side windows, and then block those windows? Why do centaur cars need a greenhouse segment at all if they weren’t designed for passengers? Why do minivans exist?

June 4 2021
Jun 4, 2021

by Pragmatica


Trailer
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xKrZ8eTcdK4

This will help
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWM1rqrkXe8#t=155s

Film
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OuKpHuFqZhQ

MikeJF
Dec 20, 2003






Is this thread going to turn out to be viral marketing for centaurworld

June 4 2021
Jun 4, 2021

by Pragmatica


MikeJF posted:

Is this thread going to turn out to be viral marketing for centaurworld

No its about the film The Cars That Ate Paris

The rest is just unfortunate

pop fly to McGillicutty
Feb 2, 2004
Im gonna put cupcakes on your mind


CentCars, you fraud

a peck of pickled peckers
Aug 3, 2014

I am your Redeemer! It is by my hand that you arise from the ashes of this world!



This thread is a good reminder that we should all get outside a lot more often (with proper safety protocols, of course!)

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Like wearing a helmet and a leash

  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
  • Post
  • Reply