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Congratulations, goon. Your wealthy uncle has just passed away and has left you ten thousand dollars in his will. The only catch? You must post overnight in the spooky old thread at the top of Dirge Hill. They say that years ago, dozens of posters were permabanned in that thread... by whom? Nobody knows. Some say a long forgotten admin in a drunken frenzy. Others say a mod just cracked... got pushed too far, one too many times. Others say it was the hammock kitten itself, stirred to life by some unspeakable instinct. But that's just silly talk. It's just a thread! Look-- one post, zero views. What's the worst that could happen? You're not superstitious, are you? So pull up your gamer chair and put on some lo-fi tunes to study and vibe with, and come... post... in The Thread at the Top of Dirge Hill!!!! |
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Oct 27, 2021 17:12
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Very good, very good... you can set your bags down in the Champagne Suite. I assure you that any red fluid that gushes from the taps after dark is... champagne. Red champagne, which is very rare and cool.
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Oct 27, 2021 17:31
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Heather Papps posted:excellent. as soon as the other guests arrive i plan to take my medication and pass out for the duration of the challenge. is this within the rules? But of course, you may repose in this gorgeous victorian king-sized canopy bed.. here, I'll crack a window for you... this thread gets so drafty, my word... don't mind the scraping and rasping at the glass... that's just... well... surely it couldn't be lurkers.... Ventral EggSac posted:I am wearing a bulletproof vest A dapper choice, very fine. However we do require formal dress for dinner, but no worries, a plastic bib will be provided as well as a novelty chef hat that says "RUB A DUB DUB MAKE ROOM FOR THE GRUB" for those guests who have not brought their own. ---------------- |
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Oct 27, 2021 18:07
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Percy Teatwillow posted:uhm, yeah, so, idk where it came from but a disembodied head resembling my dead grandfather’s just rolled down the steps and shattered a vase which like… whatever I guess, but you’re not going to bill me for that, are you? it looked real expensive. like, def over $10k expensive. How embarrassing! We'll take care of that right away. So sorry for the inconvenience. Ok, turn around and head right back up to your room, no need to look back and scrutinize whose heads they are or what they're articulating through wordless, soundless screams. Actually in fact, you know what? We'll comp you a bit of room service for the trouble. I hope you like Deadver... I mean DENVER omelettes. ---------------- |
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Oct 27, 2021 18:42
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Heather Papps posted:so the bathroom faucets.... are they supposed to be full of maggots? is this some new health fad. Oh those are... rice crispies. Impossible Rice Crispies. They look and taste just like meat! ---------------- |
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Oct 27, 2021 20:03
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What has not been born can never di-- I mean, hah, what a funny glitch. Better... u h better go get a mod to f...f-fix that
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Oct 27, 2021 20:25
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Ahh... this is actually a bazooka mansion. Bazookas will be served after aperitifs
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Oct 27, 2021 20:45
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Ventral EggSac posted:I leaned against a sconce and it dropped me into a hole with bones, but they don't look like people bones? They have horns? Is that normal? Idk I'm not a doctor Don't be alarmed, this is the wing pit. During dinner you may dispose of your spare chicken bones into the convenient gaping maw at your feet. ---------------- |
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Oct 27, 2021 22:33
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Buttchocks posted:I stumbled into the acid basement while looking for a place to shitpost. Good thing I was wearing my hanging harness so the skeletons could pull me out. It's come to our attention that you didn't tip the skeletons. While gratuity is of course left to your discretion, I would advise you that you can't count on skeletons always being there for you, like my yaya used to tell me. ---------------- |
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Oct 27, 2021 23:01
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Sherbert Hoover posted:hello, my name is Mustache Sunglasses and i've never even met my uncle, much less am him Good good, that would be very awkward... I hated your uncle and I'm glad I ki-, um, I'm glad he tragically died from eating snake bread. Now how about you all assemble in the study and enjoy some brandy, get to know each other. Discuss your pets? Perhaps... discuss your crimes? And when you do discuss your crimes please enunciate clearly and try to lean in towards this skull-shaped centerpiece. ---------------- |
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Oct 28, 2021 01:53
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KABOOM oh my word! I'm sorry, my apologies, a bolt of lightning seems to have cut off the power to this rickety old thread at the top of Dirge Hill. Let me just light this oil lamp... one moment... oh dear lord!!! Sweet merciful god in heaven!! Heather Papps has been probated!!!!! Everyone stay calm and don't leave this room! We'll get to the bottom of this and in the mean time please do continue disclosing your crimes. ---------------- |
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Oct 28, 2021 03:03
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Everyone please step away from your posting beanbag chairs! There's a mod or an IK present with us in this rickety old thread and who knows who might be probed next??
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Oct 28, 2021 03:41
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Another probed body AND a pile of perfectly good burgers, spilled hither and yon all upon the floor of this rickety old thread at the top of Dirge Hill!!! When will this nightmare end???
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Oct 28, 2021 04:16
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Buttchocks posted:*tugs off mask* What? Oh! You must have missed it but Buttchocks was pulling the mask off of... Manifisto. To think... our own mod gone so horribly, terribly rotten. Well, they're both probed now, so no use worrying about it or talking about it ever again. Good night everyone. Have sweet dreams about that cool $10,000 and no wandering the halls please. ---------------- |
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Oct 28, 2021 06:11
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Hello? Anyone? I'm just poking my head in to see if anybody wants some pizza bagels or pigs in a blanket or anything? Awfully quiet in here... you guys all set with your Sierra Mists and stuff? Taken your medications and everything? No? Well, ok. Sleep tight.
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Oct 28, 2021 08:21
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Good morning everyone, you're all looking chipper and alive. The dawning of the sun and the swift banishment of grim night has a way of doing that to a person though, eh? Eheheheheh. Ok, so, once you've finished up your complimentary bagels and plastic packets of grape jelly, I do recommend joining Buttchocks in the attic. It appears that someone died up here in the middle of some kind of birthday party or bar mitzvah and so there are still plenty of dusty streamers and deflated balloons, it's a pretty fun atmosphere. So come on up... if you dare... and if you dare please grab some pretzel chips from the kitchen and like if there's another of the big liter bottles of Brisk iced tea...?? Anyway, ah, it appears from the smoke and wreckage down at the foot of Dirge Hill that the local mail carrier has run into some... interference... so please, I'm grateful for your patience in the redemption of you ten thousand dollar reward. Edit: Oh, and if you would just direct any leftovers or scraps into that gaping maw in the dining room, that might mitigate the whining and mewling coming from the wing pit. WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO INITIATE THE WING PIT FLAME PURGE WOULD WE NOW? Ha excuse me, sorry. I bang on the wing pit walls with my cane and yell violently and vituperatively down into it when I'm feeling bashful. ---------------- |
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Oct 28, 2021 16:38
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The hinges are free my good man, here, here, take as many as you want. You can even use them as a crude scrip for wagers and games of chance. Ok have fun! If you get tetanus we never had this conversation because these hinges are in RUFFF shape.
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Oct 28, 2021 19:47
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Kaiser Schnitzel posted:Wait a minute, who’s this Tet person and why are touching their anus? Look here you--I think I've shown a great deal of hospitality to you wretches and all I ask is that you DON'T ask impertinent QUESTIONS. Your dear Uncle Tet was a troubled man-- the things he saw in the war, and the fruits of his... occult studies... left a mark, there's no denying it. But to barge in here and... and engage in obscene speculations! I must insist that you show yourself to the wing pit. Perhaps there you can learn some manners. ---------------- |
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Oct 28, 2021 20:09
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Your head would be the garage since by the time the sun rises next, it'll be detached. I mean, because it'll have a car driven into it and I'll be using it to store all my pickaxes and chainsaws. I mean, uh. Yeah I agree it would be the attic.
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Oct 28, 2021 21:12
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*shuffling loose pieces of roofing tile and dealing them out*
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Oct 28, 2021 22:15
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*gently holding back the butler* Don't go up there. I think they're all napping in the attic bathroom. ---------------- |
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Oct 29, 2021 03:13
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Great news everbody! The ten thousand dollars are here! Your uncle uh, he left it in a different thread by mistake, but I found it! I know these past two nights have been an ordeal as many of you have succumbed to wild rumors about the "Yob Mod of Dirge Hill" but now the ten thousand dollars are here! Y...yeeyyyyy! Everybody say hurray with me! H-hurreyyy!! Anyone how about you all come down from the attic bathroom and pick your various, uh, limbs up from the yard and sign these NDAs real quick and I'll fix you all up with your ten thousand dollars. Oh hm, yuck, and if you're covered in whatever that sticky red stuff is just have a quick rinse before you sign, I only have so many pens and I don't want schmutz all over them. ---------------- |
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Oct 29, 2021 14:53
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Hey gang quick update, ummm I know you were all looking forward to getting ten thousand dollars and that is still VERY MUCH PART OF THE GAME PLAN but unfortunately while I was waving the ten thousand dollars overhead to make a point a raven came and took it all away in its beak. So-- little road bump. IN THE MEAN TIME we have brought the Dreamcast up from the basement and are currently tracking down the right cables to hook it up so you can all enjoy some Powerstone while we wait. Also, if any of you have on hand a sniper rifle or any sort of anti-bird throwing kunai or throwing stars now would be a really good time to pool resources and share some skills. ---------------- |
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Oct 29, 2021 16:11
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Yeah sure, but look, we're kind of on high-alert for vampires and birds so make sure you close the door tight behind you. Oh, crumbs, it looks like the mirror in the foyer is busted. Sorry for that, we'll get one that actually shows reflections as soon as I have a minute for a Lowe's run.
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Oct 29, 2021 16:17
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Sherbert Hoover posted:understandable my red-blooded friend. here i'll just set this down here. Thank you, mind if I grab a few worms to bait the raven into this crude raven trap? I'd been using this drawing of a sexy girl raven but it hasn't been working out. I'm worried I made it too sexy and the raven is intimidated? BTW I'm thinking of putting it in my portfolio and maybe going back to school for fine arts? Just a little pipe dream haha anyway thank you again for the worms. 
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Oct 29, 2021 16:30
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Manifisto posted:hey hey now this is a bridge too far 
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Oct 29, 2021 16:45
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Ok but only if it doesn't give you blisters on the heel of your palm like Mario Party. Our patrons want intact hands for The Great Work. Oh what? No, I was just sneezing. Don't worry about it. Enjoy your videogames.
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Oct 29, 2021 18:22
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But I just saw her? She was hitchhiking and said she needed a ride to go get a Big Bacon Cheddar Triple, but when I got to the drive-through I.... ohhhhhhh....
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Oct 29, 2021 19:45
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Weird, this coupon says "CUSTOMER expires" 10/29/2021.
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Oct 29, 2021 21:18
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You've all crossed a terrible threshold. Coupons & Deals are forbidden fruits for a reason, but you fools have tasted of their nectars and will now pay the price.
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Oct 29, 2021 22:15
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Percy Teatwillow posted:hey, does anyone know what happened to the door that leads down from the attic? it’s like it just sort of vanished, there’s a brick wall where it used to be. I tried the other door (that I swear wasn’t here before…) but that one leads to a hallway that goes on for five and a half minutes. Oh, that leads to the Chamber of Poisoned Bliss. Whether you're ready for that chamber or not is uhhhh that's up to you man. ---------------- |
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Oct 30, 2021 01:28
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Everyone, I apologize for the disruption, and the offending guest has been removed from Dirge Hill. Upon his apprehension his pockets were found stuffed to the seams with coupons and we believe he had come here in a misguided effort to find deals. I'm afraid I can't say much more than that. It will not happen again. As compensation you are each entitled to one (1) raven feather when we manage to catch that raven, which currently appears to be perched on the steeple, making direct eye contact with me while eating half of a french fry.
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Oct 30, 2021 16:49
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In response to unforeseen developments amongst the mods and administration of Something Awful I'm afraid that none of you are any longer eligible for the ten thousand dollars. And I lost track of the raven. Now, technically, I'd ordinarily say "so go home" but the rickety old thread is... snarling and glowing a hellish crimson whenever I type that phrase. And it appears that the front door has disappeared. So please sit tight in your attics or wing pits or whatnot, light another one up if you need to. I'll attempt to get to the bottom of this-- this meddling from Big Mod. ---------------- |
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Oct 31, 2021 15:54
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Lurkers Must Ghost posted:So we can start ripping their heads off and pouring all the blood out now, right? *winking aggressively* of course not* *(yes) ---------------- |
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Oct 31, 2021 16:04
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Manifisto posted:a couple of deadbeats, huh? wow you're really adding insult to injury here. I don't know if being a moderator technically allows me to garnish your wages but you can be sure we'll be repossessing some of this thread's furniture! I quite fancy that sarcophagus actually. Oh THAT furniture? The furniture levitating to the top of the ceiling and rotating violently? Good luck catching it, copper. ---------------- |
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Oct 31, 2021 16:04
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Hey I hear you all like ten thousand dollars? Well, fine. If you agree to boot out these interminable ghost hunters, you can have this *dramatically flings open the wing pit hatch* 
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Oct 31, 2021 21:02
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No it's real money! To prove it you can spend it at the Item Shop. [Potion]....$50 [Hi-Potion]....$150 [Ether]...$60 [Slime Crystal]...$200 [Ecto-Fluid]...$100 [Rusty Sword]...$25 [Raven Hunting Xbow]...$100 [Mage's Beef]...$75 [Haunted Milk]...$500 [Ghastly Shroud]...$1500 [Spooky Viking Helm]...$2500 [Masterwork Hot Wings]...$10000 [Attic Key]...$1000000000000 ---------------- |
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Oct 31, 2021 21:10
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