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Larry Cum Free
Jun 3, 2022
There's a hip hop club in my city that always has Rap Battles on Thursdays. For those who don't know, Rap Battles are when two rappers perform head to head against each other and the audience or a judge determines who is better. Usually (but not always) this involves insults or 'disses' aimed at the opponent, but in a good natured and artistic sort of way!

I've been going to the Rap Battles at this club for the last couple of months and I really got into them. There's a pretty regular crowd there and some seriously talented rappers that go up to battle pretty often. Once a month they'll do kind of an 'open mic' night where amateur rappers can participate. This month I decided "what the hell" and I decided to sign up! I showed up about an hour before the show to get on the list. I was definitely nervous, but some of the regular audience members who I always see around were signing up too so that made me feel better. I haven't actually ever talked to them, but I recognize them. Sometimes I give like one of those friendly upward nods to them when we make eye contact getting a drink or something.

The host in charge of the sign up is a really cool guy and he was already making some good-natured jabs at my expense which were pretty funny and really started to get me in the mood for the Rap Battles! I was scheduled to go on stage for the 3rd Rap Battle so I went to my regular table to watch until it was my turn. I was really impressed by the first two Battles! The pro guys are always really good, but these amateurs were surprisingly good too and honestly I was starting to get really nervous!

So finally it's my turn and I get up there and I see my opponent really looks the part, which made me even more nervous. And just as I feared, he was really good. He was going in hard dissing me, but with this really good flow and rhyming everything perfectly. He had really good lines about my looks, my weight, my physique, my clothes, and a LOT about my ethnicity (white). I guess I was feeling the pressure a lot and kind of rocking on my feet and laughing nervously because he was spitting bars about that stuff too.

So I kind of zone out and suddenly it gets really quiet....and I realize it's my turn to rap back at him!! My mind was pretty much going blank at this point and all I can think about is how bright the lights are and how long it's been silent for. This was turning into a disaster already, but I knew I had to get something out. I remember the line I got out exactly because it's probably the only line I'm going to get to rap on a stage. It went:

"You're not even that good at rap
so suck my balls and eat my crap!"


I froze again after that because I just knew instantly that my rap was no good. It was crass and insulting without even being that funny, and it wasn't even true because the guy was a good rapper. It's just not the sort of thing you usually hear at Rap Battles. The audience starts booing and I can hear them making fun of me too. I start racking my brain to come up with something much better and make a comeback, when the other guy just starts taking my time and hitting me with even harder disses!! There's way more about my ethnicity and my weight and now, of course, stuff about what a bad rapper I am!! The crowd was just losing it at this point and cheering and howling with laughter.

So the format is supposed to be Rapper 1 goes, then Rapper 2, then Rapper 1 gets to go again and Rapper 2 gets a final turn. But when it came to my second turn, I didn't even get to go again! The host came on and just started waving his arms like a boxing referee when one of the boxers gets knocked out and said the other guy won without giving me another chance! I know it's not like I was going to win at that point, but a seasoned Rap Battle host ought to know that the only way I'm going to get better is if I get a chance to practice.

I stayed and watched the rest of the Rap Battles and had a couple drinks. By the end of it I had calmed down a lot and started to have fun again. On my way out the host was sitting by the entrance and I stopped real quick and said in kind of a self-deprecating way "I guess it can only get better from here, huh?". He looked at me like he was kind of mad and not like his usual affable self and he just said really flatly "Don't come back here, man". I was a little taken aback by this but I was still trying to be chill and I laughed a little and said "Yeah maybe I should just stick to watching!" but he wasn't laughing back and he said "Nah man, don't come back here at all. Seriously, just get out of here."

I don't know if he was really serious or not but it put me in a sour mood for the rest of the night. I really looked forward to the Rap Battles and I went almost every week but I guess they don't care about that and they only want you around if you're good at rap or just keep your mouth shut.

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SilvergunSuperman
Aug 7, 2010

Try some blackface, it'll work as a disguise to get you back in and short circuit their disses about you being white, win/win

Bad Purchase
Jun 17, 2019




wow i can't believe that happened op

Panic! At The Tesco
Aug 19, 2005

FART


spit some bars OP we need to know if you suck or not

Sophy Wackles
Dec 17, 2000

> access main security grid
access: PERMISSION DENIED.





Sorry you got dissed OP. Donít give up on your dreams though.

Leper Go-getter
Nov 7, 2010
https://youtu.be/obNBjtdR_FU

Spaghett
May 2, 2007

Spooked ya...

Panic! At The Tesco posted:

spit some bars OP we need to know if you suck or not

This, please

Bad Purchase
Jun 17, 2019




his bars are right there in the op

Panic! At The Tesco
Aug 19, 2005

FART


Bad Purchase posted:

his bars are right there in the op

yeah but he was nervous and his palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy. he can spit in here pressure free so we can help him decide to give up on his dreams or not.

Larry Cum Free
Jun 3, 2022
It doesn't really work that way. I don't have anything written, the Rap Battles are like a freestyle thing where you make something up off the cuff. Maybe if you put up a picture of yourself and like a little description I could try to do a couple bars about you. I don't know if there's really any point though. I'll probably just find a different hobby. I just wanted to vent a bit.

flubber nuts
Oct 5, 2005


Same thing happened to me at my local fap battle joint after I put recycled cooking oil in a sex lube bottle. Not everyone can afford sex lube.

Panic! At The Tesco
Aug 19, 2005

FART


harry mack would have freestyled off the top of the dome all about the thread

flubber nuts
Oct 5, 2005


Larry Cum Free posted:

It doesn't really work that way. I don't have anything written, the Rap Battles are like a freestyle thing where you make something up off the cuff. Maybe if you put up a picture of yourself and like a little description I could try to do a couple bars about you. I don't know if there's really any point though. I'll probably just find a different hobby. I just wanted to vent a bit.



you can rap battle on me op. it should be a lay up! let's hear it, i can take it. :)

a little about me is i have two dogs and a cat. i work from home and leave the house barely once a month. i work in customer service and watch podcasts. my favorite food is pizza.

Larry Cum Free
Jun 3, 2022

flubber nuts posted:



you can rap battle on me op. it should be a lay up! let's hear it, i can take it. :)

a little about me is i have two dogs and a cat. i work from home and leave the house barely once a month. i work in customer service and watch podcasts. my favorite food is pizza.

Ok well I'd probably do something like:

he wears a heart 'round his neck
I wear my heart on my sleeve
he got dumb purple shorts
that don't reach his knees

purple heart like his grampy got for serving with honor
he got his sitting at home smoking "mar-i-juaner"
got his cat eating pizza crusts not catching no mouse
homey should start listening to 'Chapo Rap House'!

Larry Cum Free
Jun 3, 2022
That's not even that good though. It's nowhere near the level it needs to be to be taken seriously at Rap Battles.

Shinjobi
Jul 10, 2008


Gravy Boat 2k
Jesus christ, OP

Poohs Packin
Jan 13, 2019

Are you in Canada, OP? Because they seem to be obsessed with battle rap.

Cabbages and Kings
Aug 25, 2004


Shall we be trotting home again?
I'm unsure whether that is a real story or a play by play of the opening battle scene in 8 Mile



and I refuse to find out

20 Blunts
Jan 21, 2017
you should be happy to be uninvited from that capitalistic and garbage art form

Cabbages and Kings
Aug 25, 2004


Shall we be trotting home again?

20 Blunts posted:

you should be happy to be uninvited from that capitalistic and garbage art form

forums poster 20 Blunts says that rap battles are ruining America

Panic! At The Tesco
Aug 19, 2005

FART


that was bad OP sorry

Panic! At The Tesco
Aug 19, 2005

FART


keep practising though you never know

20 Blunts
Jan 21, 2017

Cabbages and Kings posted:

forums poster 20 Blunts says that rap battles are ruining America

ill come back around

a venue i help out with was accommodating a rap battle night and the dudes promoting + organizing it were fuckin idiots

syntaxfunction
Oct 27, 2010
You're hipping while you're hopping
And you got them shawties
While I'm working the floor
Of the dick sucking factory

Wait

SLICK GOKU BABY
Jun 12, 2001

Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls


Larry Cum Free posted:

It doesn't really work that way. I don't have anything written, the Rap Battles are like a freestyle thing where you make something up off the cuff. Maybe if you put up a picture of yourself and like a little description I could try to do a couple bars about you. I don't know if there's really any point though. I'll probably just find a different hobby. I just wanted to vent a bit.

This is your problem here. These pros already know what lines to spit. They are just putting them together based on the fucker in front of them.

At least you didn't have mom's spaghetti before the battle.

thunderspanks
Nov 5, 2003

crucify this


you're no hakan

syntaxfunction
Oct 27, 2010
If you think about it rap battles are what slam poetry should be.

Panic! At The Tesco
Aug 19, 2005

FART


syntaxfunction posted:

If you think about it rap battles are what slam poetry should be.

if seen videos of rap battles that are kind of like slam poetry, the guys are just saying lines that occasionally mildly rhyme but with no real rhythm. i think it might be some genre of rap battling but whatever it is it sucks balls.

Larry Cum Free
Jun 3, 2022
I actually got in trouble in College after a poetry class I was taking I was joking around with some of the students and I said "I learned more about poetry from Dr. Dre than from Dr. Bhanagar (that was the professor of the class)" but Dr. Bhanagar was walking by and he heard me.

Private Cumshoe
Feb 15, 2019

AAAAAAAGAGHAAHGGAH
I never even got an invite :(

Haverchuck
May 6, 2005

the coolest
I feel like this would be funnier if it was just the thread title with no explanation OP.

Cabbages and Kings
Aug 25, 2004


Shall we be trotting home again?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fvgx4sEd04A

istewart
Apr 13, 2005

Still contemplating why I didn't register here under a clever pseudonym

maybe you should up your fiber intake and attend some crap battles

Mega64
May 23, 2008

I took the octopath less travelered,

And it made one-eighth the difference.
You should go back anyway OP and if anyone gives you poo poo, threaten to rap battle them and bring everyone's mood down.

bossy lady
Jul 9, 1983

should've gone on stage and done the fart moan from that infamous video

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon
Offer them your mom's spaghetti

BigBeefCity
Oct 26, 2022

~*Special Delivery*~
~*For Anime Fans*~

OVERSIZE
PACKAGE
Would you say you're a sucka MC and we can plainly see?

Larry Cum Free
Jun 3, 2022
Yeah, I get all the rap references. I'm a pretty big fan of the genre, if that wasn't obvious.

flubber nuts
Oct 5, 2005


Larry Cum Free posted:

Ok well I'd probably do something like:

he wears a heart 'round his neck
I wear my heart on my sleeve
he got dumb purple shorts
that don't reach his knees

purple heart like his grampy got for serving with honor
he got his sitting at home smoking "mar-i-juaner"
got his cat eating pizza crusts not catching no mouse
homey should start listening to 'Chapo Rap House'!

what the heck dude this really hurt my feelings :( i would NEVER do drugs and its freaked up you'd even joke about that. now you have to post a picture so i can drop my retort

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Poohs Packin
Jan 13, 2019

Rap battles are bad slam poetry is bad

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