chill thread for professional comedians ONLY

The Something Awful Forums > Main > BYOB: BYOB BYOB BOYB BBOY YOBB YBOB BBYO?? > chill thread for professional comedians ONLY

Areola Grande: it's a free country u pervs

the weed rear end.
:thunk:

heckin' rad summer sig by Ravenous Scoot

# ? May 3, 2024 09:46

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Jul 27, 2024 00:49

Areola Grande: it's a free country u pervs

pls go wild w/ ur jests so long as ur an industry professional like myself. muggles need not apply :toughguy:

# ? May 3, 2024 09:49

Areola Grande: it's a free country u pervs

credentials first, jokes afterwards :jail2:

heckin' rad summer sig by Ravenous Scoot

# ? May 3, 2024 09:53

Areola Grande: it's a free country u pervs

*paging Larry David to this thread*

:jerry:

I mean come on already

# ? May 3, 2024 09:56

baka of lathspell

im a Professional comedian & here are my topics that i talk about

coffee (isnt it addictive???)
women (arent they complicated???)
larry david (isn't he dead???)
alcohol (i drink it up)
cocaine (dude cocaine lmao)

in between those topics i say have you noticed this, or such & such. then i wait for the audience to affirm me by hooting & hollering

i have a certificate but it's in my other shoe

^{join dork order}
_{sig by ??? (<3 u)}

# ? May 3, 2024 15:37

FutonForensic

I hate it when the crowd laughs too long at my punchlines. It fucks up my whole rhythm. Shut the gently caress up and let the artist make their art.

The Grin House in Milwaukee was especially bad with this. There is too much drat mirth in The Grin House.

# ? May 3, 2024 15:53

FutonForensic

If you have a set before mine and run long even one second into my act, I will key "RUBE" into whatever beater car you managed to drive here

# ? May 3, 2024 15:58

DoomCroissant: Roll D3 for Delicious Flaky Crust

penispenispenis

thank you, have a good night

# ? May 4, 2024 12:20

FutonForensic

a lot of rookies ask me what's the secret to success in comedy. there's three things to remember:

1. don't do a tight five when a tight three will do
2. trademark every joke you have. likewise, trademark jokes that other comedians told first; that's free material
3. comedy is wasted on children. they might be laughing, but they don't understand

# ? May 4, 2024 17:09

riptidejim: Have a good night!

You could technically say that Scatman john came to scat.

# ? May 5, 2024 01:36

Areola Grande: it's a free country u pervs

riptidejim posted:

You could technically say that Scatman john came to scat.

thread is now a scat thread :hai:

skoodliedoop bebooparoni baloney pony holy mackeroley

heckin' rad summer sig by Ravenous Scoot

# ? May 5, 2024 01:51

Buttchocks: No, I like my hat, thanks.

I like to take a nap on stage during my set. The audience thinks it's part of the act, which means they continue laughing while I get paid to sleep. Everybody wins!

# ? May 5, 2024 07:27

fps_nug: horsing around no longer

I've got a show at the Smile Factory

thanks 2 balls dildo

# ? May 5, 2024 08:18

Dumb Sex-Parrot: Absurd Pox Term
Rad Buxom Strep

Retard Ox Bumps
Borax Dumpster

Dares Box Trump

i do the classic skit with contraposing two groups and detailing how they differ in performing mundane everyday tasks, then to kick it up a notch i introduce a third group into the mix. people cant stop laughing.

thank you Saoshyantx4, Plant MONSTER. and deep dish peat moss for the excellent signature

# ? May 5, 2024 08:34

frump truck: hello... again!

FutonForensic posted:

If you have a set before mine and run long even one second into my act, I will key "RUBE" into whatever beater car you managed to drive here

what if i walked there

# ? May 5, 2024 18:23

Twenty Four

Airplane food, amiright? Boy, are my arms tired!

# ? May 6, 2024 00:01

Buttchocks: No, I like my hat, thanks.

Hey bud, I'm a licensed comedian.

# ? May 6, 2024 01:48

Areola Grande: it's a free country u pervs

Buttchocks posted:

Hey bud, I'm a licensed comedian.

yeah well i've got a masters from the boston university of chortles :smuggo:

heckin' rad summer sig by Ravenous Scoot

# ? May 6, 2024 02:00

DoomCroissant: Roll D3 for Delicious Flaky Crust

Areola Grande posted:

yeah well i've got a masters from the boston university of chortles

yeah well i have a bachelor's in media studies

i'm the true clown in this town

# ? May 6, 2024 02:02

FutonForensic

frump truck posted:

what if i walked there

i'll key it into your. rear end

# ? May 6, 2024 06:21

frump truck: hello... again!

FutonForensic posted:

i'll key it into your. rear end

# ? May 7, 2024 01:34

Pahilla the Hun: Thinking about making a post

Think about it, make a post

It�s a Tuesday night at the Chuckle Palace in Mobile, TN.

I been working on this one joke about rodeo clowns and Sartre, but as I look around I don�t think it will play here.

In fact this scene reminds me of what Mulaney said to me when we went on the Laugh Cruise back in �12��Do just enough cocaine to keep yourself interested but not so much you puke.�

Luckily, I scored yesterday. Off-duty McDonald�s employees are so easy to spot and they always have the best poo poo.

I might do that joke about having sex with my couch. It kills in these smaller places.

I take the stage right after Skinny �The Rails� Bruebeck. He dragged a trunk into the green room so this should be interesting.

edit: ok he opened the trunk and it smells just awful. it�s either props or a dummy.

Pahilla the Hun fucked around with this message at 23:46 on May 7, 2024

thanks nesamdoom!!

pizzaz plarpin perfect! thanks Tebulot!

# ? May 7, 2024 23:44

Twenty Four

Pahilla the Hun posted:

It�s a Tuesday night at the Chuckle Palace in Mobile, TN.

I been working on this one joke about rodeo clowns and Sartre, but as I look around I don�t think it will play here.

In fact this scene reminds me of what Mulaney said to me when we went on the Laugh Cruise back in �12��Do just enough cocaine to keep yourself interested but not so much you puke.�

Luckily, I scored yesterday. Off-duty McDonald�s employees are so easy to spot and they always have the best poo poo.

I might do that joke about having sex with my couch. It kills in these smaller places.

I take the stage right after Skinny �The Rails� Bruebeck. He dragged a trunk into the green room so this should be interesting.

edit: ok he opened the trunk and it smells just awful. it�s either props or a dummy.

lol! the whole thing was great but opening the trunk and it smelling awful killed me for some reason. my imagination running wild thinking about what foul stuff may be inside

# ? May 8, 2024 02:13

Buttchocks: No, I like my hat, thanks.

I watch silently in the shadows, waiting for the right moment. A comedian waits for the kill....Timing, always timing....
I have followed my mark for weeks, from venue to venue, observing their routines.
This one sticks to the plan, doesn't improvise. Anticipate...the perfect opportunity for my attack....
What's in it for me? A paycheck, nothing more. Never personal. I had been paid to take down this comic.
Now is the moment. I call out from the shadows. The audience is bewildered....they had not even noticed I was there.
"That's what I said to your house! Your mother's house! Last night! When I, uh, hosed your mother. At her house."
drat! I had fumbled it. The confusion of the crowd masks my hasty escape...Had anyone recognized my face, I wonder?
My fingers mechanically trace the curves of the tomato in my coat pocket as I run to the alley, hoping the green room door will be still unguarded.

# ? May 8, 2024 05:34

frump truck: hello... again!

I had my first set ever last night, I was so nervous but it went great, except after it was over I noticed that some guy had keyed the word RUBE into my rear end

# ? May 12, 2024 18:08

Areola Grande: it's a free country u pervs

Buttchocks posted:

I watch silently in the shadows, waiting for the right moment. A comedian waits for the kill....Timing, always timing....
I have followed my mark for weeks, from venue to venue, observing their routines.
This one sticks to the plan, doesn't improvise. Anticipate...the perfect opportunity for my attack....
What's in it for me? A paycheck, nothing more. Never personal. I had been paid to take down this comic.
Now is the moment. I call out from the shadows. The audience is bewildered....they had not even noticed I was there.
"That's what I said to your house! Your mother's house! Last night! When I, uh, hosed your mother. At her house."
drat! I had fumbled it. The confusion of the crowd masks my hasty escape...Had anyone recognized my face, I wonder?
My fingers mechanically trace the curves of the tomato in my coat pocket as I run to the alley, hoping the green room door will be still unguarded.

lmfao

heckin' rad summer sig by Ravenous Scoot

# ? May 12, 2024 18:20

Areola Grande: it's a free country u pervs

frump truck posted:

I had my first set ever last night, I was so nervous but it went great, except after it was over I noticed that some guy had keyed the word RUBE into my rear end

but HACK

probably the same guy :argh:

heckin' rad summer sig by Ravenous Scoot

# ? May 12, 2024 18:29

alexandriao

FutonForensic posted:

There is too much drat mirth in The Grin House.

Too much is always not enough!

(Thanks to tvsveryown for the spring sig!)

# ? May 13, 2024 17:42

ArmedZombie

i've been listening to lots of stand up comics' podcasts recently so im basically a pro.

# ? May 13, 2024 19:23

FutonForensic

frump truck posted:

I had my first set ever last night, I was so nervous but it went great, except after it was over I noticed that some guy had keyed the word RUBE into my rear end

Cherish this character building and scar tissue building moment.

# ? May 13, 2024 21:49

Pahilla the Hun: Thinking about making a post

Think about it, make a post

ArmedZombie posted:

i've been listening to lots of stand up comics' podcasts recently so im basically a pro.

This, but also I made a YouTube account and started posting videos of me doing crowd work at cook outs

thanks nesamdoom!!

pizzaz plarpin perfect! thanks Tebulot!

# ? May 13, 2024 22:27

Pahilla the Hun: Thinking about making a post

Think about it, make a post

�Hey you, with the chili dog �suck my [tastee-freez]!�

thanks nesamdoom!!

pizzaz plarpin perfect! thanks Tebulot!

# ? May 13, 2024 22:28

RavenousScoot

Pahilla the Hun posted:

“Hey you, with the chili dog …suck my [tastee-freez]!”

Thank You Pot Smoke Phoenix :^))
https://i.imgur.com/1HLsvYG.mp4
Previous:

code:

https://64.media.tumblr.com/33fe2a6b06d941d11f9a12b67b0924dc/f488aa52440763c7-19/s1280x1920/c7a61ac7a9cc255d31e80d39315995263f8fb46d.gifv - nesamdoom + me
https://i.imgur.com/1rh8sdW.mp4 - manifisto
https://i.imgur.com/DeyYjwj.mp4 - vanisher

# ? May 14, 2024 00:13