Ben Roethlisberger Douche of the Year Season 4: A New Douche

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Football Funhouse > Ben Roethlisberger Douche of the Year Season 4: A New Douche

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swampface: Apr 30, 2005; Soiled Meat

Joe Buck

# ? May 15, 2014 18:10

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# ? Apr 28, 2024 01:29

MrLogan: Feb 4, 2004; Ask me about Derek Carr's stolen MVP awards, those dastardly refs, and, oh yeah, having the absolute worst fucking gimmick in The Football Funhouse.

Joe Buck

# ? May 15, 2014 18:12

Ben Has Tiny Weenus: Feb 17, 2007; MSU Will Not Be National Champions

So I really should learn to shut the hole under my nose.

I am once again requesting just a few more volunteers to PM me if they have just a few minutes to spare to help make this tournament more fun for everyone involved :siren:

# ? May 15, 2014 18:34

v2vian man: Sep 1, 2007; Only question I
ever thought was hard
was do I like Kirk
or do I like Picard?

Can I blow 40 minutes at work to do it with no particular talents like I just did with my vote?

# ? May 15, 2014 18:42

sexpig by night: Sep 8, 2011; by Azathoth

Rap posted:

NFL can afford $765M settlement, but players didn't deserve it - Pete Prisco, August 2013

There's nothing else to say. I like Ben's scoring system in this tournament, but more points for more effort implies that more words are better. Sometimes that's true, and sometimes you see a sentence so heinously loving douchey you'd only ruin it with more words.

That said, Prisco needs my five points, so I'll do my best to add to the sentence he wrote. And since Pete Prisco's headline actually makes me feel Emotions, I'll give it to you in second person, because this is what I'd like to say to Pete Prisco once I put him in my Buffalo Bill pit.

First, the first five words. You loving moron. You loving loving moron.

- Who gives a gently caress if a corporation can afford a loving settlement?
- Who gives a gently caress if one of the most profitable corporations in the loving world can afford the settlement?
- Who doubted for an instant the NFL could afford $765 million? I just Googled "nfl teams profits" and Forbes is there in link loving 1 to tell me NFL teams are worth a billion loving bucks on average. Good ol Microsoft Calculator tells me each team needs to chip in $24M. That's one loving tenth of the Cowboys' operating income last year.
- The NFL could afford a $765 billion settlement you jackass. They're not just gonna write a loving check. They'll pay it out in annuities and raise the price of a jersey $5.

Ready to move on, Pete? I'm not. Giving priority to the NFL in your headline makes me want to murder you, you sack of poo poo.

OK, now I'm ready. "But players didn't deserve it." You're disgusting. You're loving disgusting.

Let's first look at the legal facts of the legal case you're attempting to write about without knowing what the gently caress you're doing. The players did have a good case. The league lied to them and misrepresented the long-term effects of head trauma and concussions. The pamphlet put out by the league in 2010 is a smoking gun. In fact, the settlement is a sign that the league acknowledges that. Players did deserve a legal settlement for their employer misleading them about the health risks of their job, just like if your employer misrepresented to you the health risks of spewing utter poo poo everywhere.

Second, from a common sense perspective: Get hosed, you rear end in a top hat. Former players face great challenges in finding income after football and managing their finances even if they aren't dealing with brain damage. And when they are, stories abound of Mike Websters sleeping in their cars, John Mackeys refusing to brush their teeth unless Commissioner Tagliabue says so, and of course players committing suicide after their loved ones notice massive mood swings, bursts of anger and days spent without leaving bed.

Are these things happening to the average ex-NFL player? Probably some of them, probably to some degree. But no, most of them aren't killing themselves. Most of them are working part-time jobs and coaching high school, taking an aspirin every day and drinking four beers before bed. Most of them are getting by OK and forgetting their wife's sister's name once in a while because Valerie and Victoria are kind of similar.

But of course that's not the point. All of them were lied to about the risk they took by playing, by the piece of poo poo league and by the piece of poo poo rah-rah media people like you who don't deserve to cover high school loving volleyball but are instead riding the old, shriveled white cock of the richest and most loving awful sports league in the world. gently caress you.

Now put the lotion in the loving basket, bitch.

Welp was gonna go Buck but nope, can't, can't ethically not call Pete Prisco a horrible, stupid, just plain mean little man.

# ? May 15, 2014 18:45

Ben Has Tiny Weenus: Feb 17, 2007; MSU Will Not Be National Champions

So I really should learn to shut the hole under my nose.

Rap posted:

Can I blow 40 minutes at work to do it with no particular talents like I just did with my vote?

Yes you can.

# ? May 15, 2014 20:24

Oh Snapple!: Dec 27, 2005

Gonna have to give my vote to Pete Prisco for being a little pile of poo poo.

# ? May 15, 2014 20:30

v2vian man: Sep 1, 2007; Only question I
ever thought was hard
was do I like Kirk
or do I like Picard?

Ben Has Tiny Weenus posted:

Yes you can.

OK i'll help

# ? May 15, 2014 20:32

Ben Has Tiny Weenus: Feb 17, 2007; MSU Will Not Be National Champions

So I really should learn to shut the hole under my nose.

Rap posted:

OK i'll help

Cool. Can I get an Email address?

# ? May 15, 2014 20:45

Grittybeard: Mar 29, 2010; Bad, very bad!

Yeah, Pete Prisco.

# ? May 15, 2014 20:53

v2vian man: Sep 1, 2007; Only question I
ever thought was hard
was do I like Kirk
or do I like Picard?

I just sent it to him as a PM Rap

- Kalli

Thanks and God bless

- Rap

v2vian man fucked around with this message at 21:09 on May 15, 2014

# ? May 15, 2014 21:00

Gerund: Sep 12, 2007; He push a man

Pete Prisco is an anti-labor sonuvabitch, while Mr. Buck is but a lazy hack that has actually improved in the last year that this tournament covers & Merrill Hodge is just a harmless media personality who is more infamous for his necktie than his opinions.

# ? May 15, 2014 21:36

Chichevache: Feb 17, 2010; One of the funniest posters in GIP.

Just not intentionally.

Rap posted:

Can I blow 40 minutes at work to do it with no particular talents like I just did with my vote?

You've got a job now? Great news! Still in journalism?

# ? May 15, 2014 21:38

v2vian man: Sep 1, 2007; Only question I
ever thought was hard
was do I like Kirk
or do I like Picard?

Kind of, more like I sit at a computer all day and get my soul drained out slowly. off topic sry

# ? May 15, 2014 22:25

Diqnol: May 10, 2010

Pete Prisco deserves the win here. Joe Buck makes you want to gouge your cochlea out, but Prisco makes you long for the good ol days when Hitler was the big thing.

# ? May 15, 2014 22:55

Troy Queef: Jan 12, 2013

Being from St Louis and thus having heard stories about how much of a douche he is/how compared to his father both in and out of the booth he isn't even fit to plug in Jack's mic cable/how he got lucky from being from Jack's second wife (he and his first wife had a very acrimonious divorce, and as such all his kids from the first marriage are shut off from most of the privilege that comes from being in that family by his second wife/her children)/being a bitter up-and-coming sports PBP man (though I do a different sport mostly, but still), I am thus forced to vote for Joe Buck

Troy Queef fucked around with this message at 23:28 on May 15, 2014

# ? May 15, 2014 23:26

Vaders Jester: Sep 9, 2009

Rap posted:

NFL can afford $765M settlement, but players didn't deserve it - Pete Prisco, August 2013

There's nothing else to say. I like Ben's scoring system in this tournament, but more points for more effort implies that more words are better. Sometimes that's true, and sometimes you see a sentence so heinously loving douchey you'd only ruin it with more words.

That said, Prisco needs my five points, so I'll do my best to add to the sentence he wrote. And since Pete Prisco's headline actually makes me feel Emotions, I'll give it to you in second person, because this is what I'd like to say to Pete Prisco once I put him in my Buffalo Bill pit.

First, the first five words. You loving moron. You loving loving moron.

- Who gives a gently caress if a corporation can afford a loving settlement?
- Who gives a gently caress if one of the most profitable corporations in the loving world can afford the settlement?
- Who doubted for an instant the NFL could afford $765 million? I just Googled "nfl teams profits" and Forbes is there in link loving 1 to tell me NFL teams are worth a billion loving bucks on average. Good ol Microsoft Calculator tells me each team needs to chip in $24M. That's one loving tenth of the Cowboys' operating income last year.
- The NFL could afford a $765 billion settlement you jackass. They're not just gonna write a loving check. They'll pay it out in annuities and raise the price of a jersey $5.

Ready to move on, Pete? I'm not. Giving priority to the NFL in your headline makes me want to murder you, you sack of poo poo.

OK, now I'm ready. "But players didn't deserve it." You're disgusting. You're loving disgusting.

Let's first look at the legal facts of the legal case you're attempting to write about without knowing what the gently caress you're doing. The players did have a good case. The league lied to them and misrepresented the long-term effects of head trauma and concussions. The pamphlet put out by the league in 2010 is a smoking gun. In fact, the settlement is a sign that the league acknowledges that. Players did deserve a legal settlement for their employer misleading them about the health risks of their job, just like if your employer misrepresented to you the health risks of spewing utter poo poo everywhere.

Second, from a common sense perspective: Get hosed, you rear end in a top hat. Former players face great challenges in finding income after football and managing their finances even if they aren't dealing with brain damage. And when they are, stories abound of Mike Websters sleeping in their cars, John Mackeys refusing to brush their teeth unless Commissioner Tagliabue says so, and of course players committing suicide after their loved ones notice massive mood swings, bursts of anger and days spent without leaving bed.

Are these things happening to the average ex-NFL player? Probably some of them, probably to some degree. But no, most of them aren't killing themselves. Most of them are working part-time jobs and coaching high school, taking an aspirin every day and drinking four beers before bed. Most of them are getting by OK and forgetting their wife's sister's name once in a while because Valerie and Victoria are kind of similar.

But of course that's not the point. All of them were lied to about the risk they took by playing, by the piece of poo poo league and by the piece of poo poo rah-rah media people like you who don't deserve to cover high school loving volleyball but are instead riding the old, shriveled white cock of the richest and most loving awful sports league in the world. gently caress you.

Now put the lotion in the loving basket, bitch.

This post is loving majestic and swung me from Buck and his stupid loving face to Pete Prisco. gently caress that guy.

# ? May 15, 2014 23:50

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

Joe Buck is too boring to hate. Pete Prisco represents everything wrong with the current #hottakes climate of sports discourse.

I was gonna go with an easy jorts joke before Rap dropped the mic.

# ? May 16, 2014 00:00

Homestar Runner: Oct 9, 2012; This is the best videogame
I have ever played!

I nominated Merril Hoge because I mean jfc just look at him, what the hell kinda haircut is that dumbass etc etc and even I'm going to have to vote Pete Prisco

# ? May 16, 2014 00:30

C. Everett Koop: Aug 18, 2008

Joe Buck did the Slamalama Ding Dong commercial. Merril Hoge probably can't remember his own name half the time. Pete Prisco can go gently caress himself. Vote Prisco all day.

# ? May 16, 2014 01:55

Wanvig: Sep 8, 2003

I'm voting for Joe Buck because he was the only one of the three I'd heard of and had an opinion on before this tournament even started.

# ? May 16, 2014 02:18

Duke Chin: Jan 11, 2002; _{^{Roger That:}}
MILK CRATES INBOUND

_{_{^{- FUCK THE HABS -}}}

Homestar Runner posted:

I nominated Merril Hoge because I mean jfc just look at him, what the hell kinda haircut is that dumbass etc etc and even I'm going to have to vote Pete Prisco

There's no way that isn't 60%+ either a piece or baby hair / plugs.

That being said: Keith Olbermannnnn and Rap (gasp!) have managed to swing my vote from Joe Buck over to:
Pete "You loving loving moron." Prisco.

# ? May 16, 2014 02:24

Fenrir: Apr 26, 2005; I found my kendo stick, bitch!; Lipstick Apathy

I too was going to vote for Joe Buck because... uh, do I even need a reason? It's Joe loving Buck. I don't get the Hoge hate, though. I mean, he's kinda worthless but I always attributed that to brain damage or something. Which is supposed to be a bad thing, at least, according to most people who aren't Pete "No, seriously, gently caress this guy" Prisco.

# ? May 16, 2014 02:29

Tricky Ed: Aug 18, 2010; It is important to avoid confusion. This is the one that's okay to lick.

Joe Buck is reasonably competent and bland. He is offensively unoffensive. He is just kind of there, but his father was famous so he is famous now too.

Merril Hoge is a loud, annoying, and often wrong sports media personality who can't tie a tie.

Pete Prisco is arguing that people medically diagnosed with workplace injuries that their employers knowingly suppressed research on are the bad guys, because he wants to continue to watch an entertainment product.

# ? May 16, 2014 02:30

Kalli: Jun 2, 2001

Pete Prisco

# ? May 16, 2014 02:43

seiferguy: Jun 9, 2005; FLAWED
INTUITION; Toilet Rascal

Joe Buck is a boring dick but goddammit Pete Prisco is a shameful man.

# ? May 16, 2014 04:31

Douche4Sale: May 8, 2003; ...and then God said, "Let there be douche!"

Pete Prisco

# ? May 16, 2014 05:02

Ben Has Tiny Weenus: Feb 17, 2007; MSU Will Not Be National Champions

So I really should learn to shut the hole under my nose.

With a final score of 43-13-0, Pete Prisco has defeated Joe Buck and Meril Hoge and moves on to the tournament! :siren:

Episode 3: The Players Club

Featuring: Taylor Lewan vs. Russell Wilson vs. Chris Culliver vs. Brandon Meriweather

Taylor Lewan

Parmesan Basil posted:

Taylor Lewan for threatening rape on a rape victim like a trust ~~Steeler~~ poo poo head.

Detroit_Dogg posted:

Taylor Lewan

for threatening victims, playing dirty and I mean gently caress just look at the guy

VS.

Russell Wilson

Rap posted:

Russell Wilson for divorcing his wife immediately after winning the Super Bowl

Coldforge posted:

Russell Wilson (because he bowls with Justin Bieber).

VS.

Chris Culliver

Spoeank posted:

And the Niner who deserves to be on the list is definitely Chris Culliver for his brass knuckles incident.

VS.

Brandon Meriweather

Guze posted:

+ 5 Brandon Meriweather still a head hunting idiot after how many fines. Stupid idiot comments about how he has to take out ACLs if he can't concuss people.

Currently, I am too sleepy to come up with something clever in this spot
I have to get up early tomorrow
This match has an unprecedented four douches at once!
Can you imagine my usual spiel in this spot?
Only one way to find out!
3...
2...
1...
DOUCHE!

# ? May 17, 2014 06:43

Alaois: Feb 7, 2012

Taylor Lewan and it's not even really close

# ? May 17, 2014 06:46

Coldforge: Oct 29, 2002; I knew it would be bad.
I didn't know it would be so stupid.

Alouicious posted:

Taylor Lewan and it's not even really close

It's almost embarrassing. Taylor Lewan by a mile.

# ? May 17, 2014 07:26

sexpig by night: Sep 8, 2011; by Azathoth

I don't think there's a case to be made for anyone but Taylor Lewan.

# ? May 17, 2014 07:35

Bip Roberts: Mar 29, 2005

It's Russell Wilson by a huge margin.

# ? May 17, 2014 09:56

Lee Harvey Oswald: Mar 17, 2007; by exmarx

Taylor Lewan

# ? May 17, 2014 11:56

Benne: Sep 2, 2011; STOP DOING HEROIN

He's not going to win but Brandon Meriweather literally said he would go from head-hunting to knee-hunting because of the new rules and God gently caress this guy why isn't he banned from the game yet.

# ? May 17, 2014 12:37

Fenrir: Apr 26, 2005; I found my kendo stick, bitch!; Lipstick Apathy

Benne posted:

He's not going to win but Brandon Meriweather literally said he would go from head-hunting to knee-hunting because of the new rules and God gently caress this guy why isn't he banned from the game yet.

I don't know but gently caress Brandon Meriweather.

# ? May 17, 2014 12:39

That Works: Jul 22, 2006; Every revolution evaporates and leaves behind only the slime of a new bureaucracy

This is a tough one but I gotta go with Taylor Lewan because he seems like the biggest shitlord here. Barely.

# ? May 17, 2014 14:39

Diqnol: May 10, 2010

Culliver is whatever but the other 3 are legit douchebags. I'm tempted to vote for Meriweather for the unapologetic way he's gone about making his career the shittiest type he could, but I think divorcing your wife the day after the superbowl, doing anything with Beiber, and worst of all NOT GIVING MIKE ROB HIS GODDAMN RESPECT, gently caress Russell Wilson. I don't know much about Lewan but it seems like he's a malicious shithead more than a douche.

# ? May 17, 2014 14:43

Rasczak: Mar 30, 2005

Taylor Lewan but it was a close call between him and Meriweather

# ? May 17, 2014 14:46

Spoeank: Jul 16, 2003; That's a nice set of 11 dynasty points there, it would be a shame if 3 rings were to happen with it

Chris Culliver is really lucky he's going against such massive poo poo heads that will get him lost in the annals of the tournament.

One one hand, gently caress Russell Wilson. On the other hand, gently caress Brandon Meriweather.

On a third, more douchy as gently caress and kinda rape-y hand, gently caress Taylor Lewan.

# ? May 17, 2014 15:10

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# ? Apr 28, 2024 01:29

Raku: Nov 7, 2012; Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

Roll Tide

Even though Russel Wilson has super douchey hair, Taylor Lewan still used rape as a threat

# ? May 17, 2014 15:53

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Football Funhouse > Ben Roethlisberger Douche of the Year Season 4: A New Douche

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