Unexpected hazards in common products

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > Unexpected hazards in common products

Rashaverak: May 13, 2001; "Cock'n'Balls" is a pinnacle of modern medicine.

I recently bought a pair of bluetooth headphones and I figured I'd actually look at the safety information and warnings first. That link should include the PDF download for the manual but I'll but it here just because.

code:

Important Safety Instructions
�	 Read these Instructions.
�	 Keep these Instructions.
�	 Heed all Warnings.
�	 Follow all instructions

Alright, clear enough, I'm down with safety.

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�	 Do not use this apparatus near water.
�	 Clean only with a dry cloth.
�	 Do not block any ventilation openings. Install in accordance with the manufacturer�s instructions.

Uhh, ok? Probably not a good idea to get my new headphones wet, but I don't recall seeing any ventilation openings on the headphones...

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�	 Do not install near any heat sources such as radiators, heat registers, stoves, or other apparatus
(including amplifiers) that produce heat.
�	 Do not defeat the safety purpose of the polarized or grounding - type plug. A polarized plug has two
blades with one wider than the other. A grounding type plug has two blades and a third grounding
prong. The wide blade or the third prong are provided for your safety. When the provided plug does
not fit into your outlet, consult an electrician for replacement of the obsolete outlet.

I'm not sure you even know what I purchased. You gave me a USB cord to charge the headphones with. No wall charger, so no prongs. And what the hell am I installing?

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�	 Unplug this apparatus during lightning storms or when unused for long periods of time.
�	 Use only with a cart, stand, tripod, bracket, or table specified by the manufacturer,
or sold with the apparatus. When a cart is used, use caution when moving the cart/
apparatus combination to avoid injury from tip-over.

You do realize these are wireless and lightning storms don't pose a loving risk, right? Unless you mean while it's charging?

And what's this poo poo about a loving cart? Who the gently caress puts their wireless headphones on a cart/apparatus combination just to move the goddamn headphones?

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Additional Warnings and Precautions
�	 CAUTION: TO PREVENT ELECTRIC SHOCK, MATCH WIDE BLADE OF PLUG TO WIDE
SLOT, FULLY INSERT.

WHAT loving PLUG?!

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�	 CAUTION: Use of controls or adjustments or performance of procedures other than those specified
may result in hazardous radiation exposure

Wait, did I really purchase Bluetooth headphones or is this some sort of military-grade handheld deathlaser? I mean, I know bluetooth operates at the same frequency as a microwave, except Bluetooth transmits at 1 milliwatt, and my microwave in my kitchen is 1,500,000 times more powerful, and only transmits in a coherent beam. I don't care how much you crank it up, these headphones will never operate at a 1.5kW transmission power.

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�	 WARNING: Do not place this unit directly onto furniture surfaces with any type of soft, porous, or
sensitive finish. As with any rubber compound made with oils, the feet could cause marks or staining
where the feet reside.� We recommend using a protective barrier such as a cloth or a piece of glass
between the unit and the surface to reduce the risk of damage and/or staining.

Now you're just loving with me to see if I'm even reading this.

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�	 CAUTION: Danger of explosion if battery is incorrectly replaced. Replace only with the same
or equivalent type.
�	 WARNING: There is a danger of explosion if you attempt to charge standard Alkaline batteries in
the unit. Only use rechargeable NiMH batteries.
�	 WARNING: The remote control�s button cell battery contains mercury. Do not put in the trash,
instead recycle or dispose of as hazardous waste
�	 WARNING: Lithium batteries, like all rechargeable batteries, are recyclable and should be recycled
or disposed of in normal household waste. Contact your local government for disposal or recycling
practices in your area. They should never be incinerated since they might explode.

What remote control? And why warn me about only using NiMH batteries when you next say lithium? Oh, poo poo, I started paying attention to you again.

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�	 Objects filled with liquids, such as vases, shall not be placed on the apparatus.
�	 Mains plug is used as disconnect device and it should remain readily operable during intended
use. In order to disconnect the apparatus from the mains completely, the mains plug should be
disconnected form the mains socket outlet completely
�	 Battery shall not be exposed to excessive heat such as sunshine, fire or the like.
�	 Keep new and used batteries away from children. If the battery compartment does
not close securely, stop using the product and keep it away from children.

Admit it, all you did was copy and paste random instructions from different products into this and think nobody would notice.

There's gotta be better ones than this out there. I mean, it's written in perfectly understandable english, but has nothing to do with the product I bought.

# ? Sep 3, 2015 15:04

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# ? May 8, 2024 07:13

FlimFlam Imam: Mar 1, 2007; Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams

Stay safe Rashaverak

# ? Sep 3, 2015 15:22

Hector Beerlioz: Jun 16, 2010; aw, hec

I'm left handed. Everything is out to kill or maim me.

# ? Sep 3, 2015 15:35

Chinaman7000: Nov 28, 2003

Corner of my new furniture hurts and the edges are exactly at balls height

# ? Sep 3, 2015 15:38

a shiny rock: Nov 13, 2009

Mad Monk posted:

Stay safe Rashaverak

# ? Sep 3, 2015 15:38

deadly_pudding: May 13, 2009; who the fuck is scraeming
"LOG OFF" at my house.
show yourself, coward.
i will never log off

Sometimes my phone gets uncomfortably hot, and I just think, "Good :unsmigghh:

# ? Sep 3, 2015 15:38

Hell Yeah: Dec 25, 2012

recently bought a pair of boxer briefs and they caught on fire when i had a really hot fart.

# ? Sep 3, 2015 15:52

quakster: Jul 21, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

do not rectally partake of cactus

# ? Sep 3, 2015 15:56

DirtyMick: Feb 1, 2014

Make no mistake, they don't give a poo poo about your well being with those warnings, it's just they're quite cognizant that they market their products to a society of litigious nutcases and are preparing accordingly.

# ? Sep 3, 2015 16:06

a misanthrope: Jun 21, 2010

deadly_pudding posted:

Sometimes my phone gets uncomfortably hot, and I just think, "Good

until it explodes in your pocket and takes out your balls or vulva

i used to sell cellphones and one brand kept exploding and injuring people and we kept selling them anyway :twisted:

# ? Sep 3, 2015 16:14

Hell Yeah: Dec 25, 2012

A misanthrope posted:

i used to sell cellphones and one brand kept exploding and injuring people and we kept selling them anyway

lmao

# ? Sep 3, 2015 16:19

Coolness Averted: Feb 20, 2007; oh don't worry, I can't smell asparagus piss, it's in my DNA

GO HOGG WILD!
🐗🐗🐗🐗🐗

A misanthrope posted:

until it explodes in your pocket and takes out your balls or vulva

i used to sell cellphones and one brand kept exploding and injuring people and we kept selling them anyway

but i need my balls or vulva! :ohdear:

# ? Sep 3, 2015 21:36

Sponge Baathist: Jan 30, 2010; by FactsAreUseless

Hector Beerlioz posted:

I'm left handed. Everything is out to kill or maim me.

Just learn to be right handed

# ? Sep 3, 2015 21:37

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

Chinaman7000 posted:

Corner of my new furniture hurts and the edges are exactly at balls height

buy a bunch of tennis balls and cut a slit on them then put them over any corners or other pointy spots

# ? Sep 3, 2015 21:38

proof of concept: Mar 6, 2005; by FactsAreUseless

Mad Monk posted:

Stay safe Rashaverak

# ? Sep 3, 2015 21:39

Matey: Mar 28, 2008; eat food

anytime i drink anything artificially colored blue or purple i get green poops.

# ? Sep 3, 2015 21:41

ArcticKnife: Mar 2, 2015

quakster posted:

do not rectally partake of cactus

QFT

# ? Sep 3, 2015 21:57

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

Matey posted:

anytime i drink anything artificially colored blue or purple i get green poops.

one time it was like a week after St Pattys and the bar I go to was trying to kill off the last of their kegs of green beer so it was like $2 pints and a drank a bunch and hte next morning my poop was like bright green and I got all freaked out but then I remembered I drank a bunch of green beer so that is probably why

# ? Sep 3, 2015 21:59

Mozi: Apr 4, 2004; Forms change so fast
Time is moving past
Memory is smoke
Gonna get wider when I die; Nap Ghost

unfortunately it was not why - you had an unrelated intestinal algae infestation and fell into a coma just a few days later

# ? Sep 3, 2015 22:01

penus penus penus: Nov 9, 2014; by piss__donald

they all say that. literally everything. ive read them too for lols, since you can plug your usb cable into virtually any usb power brick thats where the power warnings come.

# ? Sep 3, 2015 22:02

Matey: Mar 28, 2008; eat food

Nooner posted:

one time it was like a week after St Pattys and the bar I go to was trying to kill off the last of their kegs of green beer so it was like $2 pints and a drank a bunch and hte next morning my poop was like bright green and I got all freaked out but then I remembered I drank a bunch of green beer so that is probably why

poop of the irish

# ? Sep 3, 2015 23:09

Nooner: Mar 26, 2011; AN A+ OPSTER (:

Mozi posted:

unfortunately it was not why - you had an unrelated intestinal algae infestation and fell into a coma just a few days later

does that mean .... are the forums heaven?

# ? Sep 3, 2015 23:09

No. 6: Jun 30, 2002

Unexpected poo poo in your post, OP. Wait, I mean expected.

# ? Sep 3, 2015 23:10

jarvis cocker: Dec 16, 2007; by Lowtax

dont funnel listerine into ur butthole!!

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

# ? Sep 3, 2015 23:12

ilovebeersooomuch: May 23, 2014

jarvis cocker posted:

dont funnel listerine into ur butthole!!

you're not the boss of me

# ? Sep 4, 2015 03:55

The Walrus: Jul 9, 2002; by Fluffdaddy

did you transcribe all of that manually

# ? Sep 4, 2015 03:56

EMILY BLUNTS: Jan 1, 2005

# ? Sep 4, 2015 04:06

old wooden ships: Jan 22, 2015

Matey posted:

anytime i drink anything artificially colored blue or purple i get green poops.

back when mt dew had that awesome midnight black version, i drank the gently caress out of it just so my poops would be neon green.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 04:14

criscodisco: Feb 18, 2004; do it

Every time I eat beets I forget and then think I'm making GBS threads blood.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 04:22

TwoFire: Sep 11, 2001; by Ralp

do not place boric acid into anus or other mucous membranes

# ? Sep 4, 2015 04:23

Ocean Book: Sep 27, 2010; - hi

quote:

Objects filled with liquids, such as vases, shall not be placed on the apparatus.

this is good advice for headphones

# ? Sep 4, 2015 04:30

Rashaverak: May 13, 2001; "Cock'n'Balls" is a pinnacle of modern medicine.

SHOTGUN REGULAR posted:

did you transcribe all of that manually

Don't effortpost shame me man, I can have my kinks.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 04:35

Nefarious: Sep 26, 2000; by XyloJW

SHOTGUN REGULAR posted:

did you transcribe all of that manually

# ? Sep 4, 2015 04:35

Nefarious: Sep 26, 2000; by XyloJW

when you have a tiny dick and ur pumpin away and panting and sweating and putting in all the effort you possibly can and you're still nowhere near satisfying your partner

that's this thread

# ? Sep 4, 2015 04:37

Rashaverak: May 13, 2001; "Cock'n'Balls" is a pinnacle of modern medicine.

Nefarious posted:

when you have a tiny dick and ur pumpin away and panting and sweating and putting in all the effort you possibly can and you're still nowhere near satisfying your partner

that's this thread

Can I get an instruction manual for my tiny d, because that's totally an expected hazard for me.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 04:38

Rashaverak: May 13, 2001; "Cock'n'Balls" is a pinnacle of modern medicine.

Oh poo poo I found the instruction manual for my tiny d.

http://www.spypoint.com/manuals/Manual_TINY-D.pdf

# ? Sep 4, 2015 04:41

Rashaverak: May 13, 2001; "Cock'n'Balls" is a pinnacle of modern medicine.

code:

Thank you for choosing one of our excellent
SPYPOINT products. You can now enjoy many benefits of
a full feature

Thank god, I'm tired of not knowing how to work my tiny d.

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Time Lapse Predefined intervals from
30sec to 1h

Well gently caress at least 30 seconds is an improvement over my current two pumps.

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Instant trigger time

WAIT THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 04:44

SirEvelynTremble: Dec 25, 2013; FUCK YOU HITLER
STALINGRAD
ROFLMFAO

Rashaverak posted:

Oh poo poo I found the instruction manual for my tiny d.

http://www.spypoint.com/manuals/Manual_TINY-D.pdf

Its not called a tiny d any more it's a micro p

# ? Sep 4, 2015 04:45

Rashaverak: May 13, 2001; "Cock'n'Balls" is a pinnacle of modern medicine.

SirEvelynTremble posted:

Its not called a tiny d any more it's a micro p

Oh poo poo I see what you mean.

code:

External trigger 1/8" jack for normally open
contact

Makes sense.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 04:48

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# ? May 8, 2024 07:13

Vim Fuego: Jun 1, 2000; I LITERALLY SLEEP IN A RACING CAR. DO YOU?
p.s. ask me about my subscription mattress; Ultra Carp

Is this a new scp thread?

# ? Sep 4, 2015 05:41

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > Unexpected hazards in common products