- SpaceClown
- Feb 13, 2016
-
by FactsAreUseless
|
Do you have a dildo? Buttplug? Fleshlight?
Are they just the standard lumps of silicon or are they fancy? Do they vibrate? Electrostatic stimulation? Jizz pump?
Post recs.
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 18:39
|
|
- Adbot
-
ADBOT LOVES YOU
|
|
|
#
?
Apr 26, 2024 08:18
|
|
- a hole-y ghost
- May 10, 2010
-
|
garbage disposal with part of the power cable insulation stripped
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 18:41
|
|
- Science Rocket
- Sep 4, 2006
-
Putting the Flash in Flash Man
|
I have a cassette recording of your mom yelling at you. I can't cum without it.
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 18:45
|
|
- Cake Smashing Boob
- Nov 5, 2008
-
I support black genocide
|
computer machine
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 18:45
|
|
- YonKnave
- Jun 23, 2010
-
|
all of them
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 19:07
|
|
- skeletonotherkin
- Sep 26, 2014
-
|
Claw hammer.
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 19:11
|
|
- Three Olives
- Apr 10, 2005
-
What if Hitler invented the BMW i3 Subcompact Electric car?
|
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MEuMmaUi50I
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 19:14
|
|
- poopnanners
- May 3, 2016
-
hey guys lets party
|
Toys are for children.
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 19:15
|
|
- Bismack Billabongo
- Oct 9, 2012
-
Wet
|
some anal beads and a few buttplugs and then stuff to smack each other with
also a friend gave us a sex swing that allegedly was never used, it's in storage because yuck
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 19:16
|
|
- FormerPoster
- Aug 5, 2004
-
-
Hair Elf
|
A ten dollar membership to internet humor site somethingawful dot com
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 19:16
|
|
- Three Olives
- Apr 10, 2005
-
What if Hitler invented the BMW i3 Subcompact Electric car?
|
also a friend gave us a sex swing that allegedly was never used, it's in storage because yuck
Who has a sex swing that they never use? You included.
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 19:23
|
|
- Bismack Billabongo
- Oct 9, 2012
-
Wet
|
it's not that i'm opposed to sex swings, i just don't think it's natural
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 19:42
|
|
- Bloodfart McCoy
- Jul 20, 2007
-
That's a high quality avatar right there.
|
golden retriever
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 19:45
|
|
- SpaceClown
- Feb 13, 2016
-
by FactsAreUseless
|
So what about dildos, what kinda dildo do you have?
Does anybody have a bad dragon? Can you attest to the quality of the piece?
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 20:08
|
|
- I blame Disney
- Sep 30, 2016
-
They know what they did
|
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrKJXXBMNwY
One of the few high quality things that are still proudly made in USA
Which is your favorite model?
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 20:23
|
|
- Bloodfart McCoy
- Jul 20, 2007
-
That's a high quality avatar right there.
|
Wow. Here I am thinking Bad Dragon was just some toothless pervert in the woods with a bunch of hijacked silicone barrels and a kennel full of dog dick models.
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 20:39
|
|
- Jose
- Jul 24, 2007
-
Adrian Chiles is a broadcaster and writer
|
My hand
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 20:43
|
|
- Professor Shark
- May 22, 2012
-
|
A liquor store down the street
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 21:04
|
|
- myDad
- Jan 20, 2010
-
ce n'est pas ma mère
-
College Slice
|
Has anyone said OP's mom?
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 23:51
|
|
- Rad-daddio
- Apr 25, 2017
-
|
It's like my gym teacher always used to say, "When your fetish is weird enough, every hardware store is a sex shop."
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 23:54
|
|
- a hole-y ghost
- May 10, 2010
-
|
When combined with a Hitachi Wand, it produces screaming and crying.
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 23:58
|
|
- Cursed Lumberjack
- Nov 14, 2006
-
A rather unfortunate logger indeed.
|
OP's mom
e: fb
|
|
#
?
Apr 28, 2017 00:01
|
|
- Smythe
- Oct 12, 2003
-
|
someone post the thing with the guy with 10,000 6 second softcore clips and the 6 high quality asses and bong rips + pushups or whatever jack off routine please
|
|
#
?
Apr 28, 2017 00:03
|
|
- a hole-y ghost
- May 10, 2010
-
|
someone post the thing with the guy with 10,000 6 second softcore clips and the 6 high quality asses and bong rips + pushups or whatever jack off routine please
quote:Broke out my throwaway for this, so here goes:
I have a very particular habit. I've developed it, honed it, and perfected it over the past four years. I call it the STFEW/P. Here's how it works:
First, I check my email. This is to ensure that I have nothing more important or pressing to do before I begin, because once I start, I can't stop. Then I take a shower. Once a week, I shave my pubes. This gives me better sensations on my penis for what is to come. Then I go to the store and buy food and drinks, or make sure that I have food and drink on hand. Then I choose a television program or movie to watch, or a video game to play. I make sure it's readily available, and that the controller, if playing a game, is also ready to go. Then I get my toys ready. What toys, you ask?
Ever heard of Pipedream Extreme's gently caress Me Silly line of mega masturbators? You may have seen the originally gently caress Me Silly with the tagline "20 lbs of pussy and rear end!" (If you haven't, you can Google it, but beware because your results will be NSFW.) Yes I own that one, as well as the gently caress My Big Fat Titties, and the gently caress My Face. I chose the brunette. Once a week, I wash them in the bathtub with Dial soap, then give them a coating of corn starch to make them soft. All other days I give them a good wipe down (inside and out) with baby wipes. Then I lay a towel on my bed, put the toys and a bottle of Astroglide on the towel, then put two more towels over the top.
Next, I erase anything on my whiteboard. Then I turn on my digital projector. It projects on to an 80-inch diagonal screen. Then I turn the 32-inch HDTV directly under the projector screen on. I then take my Nexus 10 tablet and connect it to the TV and a pair of headphones. Then I connect my laptop to the projector, making sure to mute the laptop. Then I load my videos.
For the laptop, I have edited 576 one-minute videos consisting of twelve different nude softcore models. I load them into VLC and make sure random is on. Then I load 480 one-minute hardcore clips into MX player on random on the tablet. The video clips are edited from POV porn movies so that anything I don't like has been edited out. There are 120 clips of blowjobs (edited so the cock never leaves the woman's mouth), 120 clips of titty-loving, 60 clips of regular sex in missionary or cowgirl position, 60 clips of regular sex in doggy or reverse cowgirl, 60 clips of anal sex in missionary or cowgirl position, and 60 clips of anal sex in doggy or reverse cowgirl. Every clip has been edited so the on-screen penis never completely leaves the orifice (or pops out from between the on-screen boobs).
Next, I clean my bong, making sure to replace the screen once a week. After it's nice and clean, I usually take a Zantac 150 and three Tums because sometimes this process gives me heartburn. Then I pee and take a dump, making sure my bladder and bowels are completely purged. Then I pack my bong with freshly ground weed. Now is when the fun begins!
Next, I smoke my weed. The bong I use is usually cashed in eight hits. I try to time my hits a minute apart, but sometimes as I get stoned I lose track. Once the bong is cashed, I go back to my room, lock the door, and turn out the lights. I make sure the laptop and the tablet are ready to go so all I have to do is hit play on both. Then I set up my pillows. If I want to be lying down, I stack the pillows so I can be propped up. If I want to be on my knees, I put four pillows in the middle of the bed. The TV is directly in front of the bed and the projector screen is directly above the TV. Once this is set up, I go to my whiteboard and write S- T- F- E- W- if watching a movie or TV show and S- T- F- E- P- if playing a game. Then I write down what time I took my first hit next to S- and add 10 minutes for each entry. For example, if I'm watching Game of Thrones and Mad Men (like I am tonight) and I took my first hit at 2:00am, I would write:
S-2:00 T-2:10 F-2:20 E-2:30 W-2:40
I then usually have a few minutes where I'm super stoned, so I write down my thoughts on the whiteboard. Some of my best ideas over the past four years have come from doing this. By now I think you can see what each letter stands for. S-smoke, T-think, F-fap, E-eat, W-watch, P-play. I have found that masturbating 20 minutes after I take my first hit is simply a sublime experience, and I have elevated masturbation to an art form. Two minutes before fap time, I take the towels off the toys and place them on the bed where I will be sitting or kneeling. One minute prior, I double-check everything, then take off all my clothes. Then I sit or kneel on the towels, put my headphones on, and at fap time, I hit play on the tablet and the laptop.
Now random super-hot softcore models do their thing on the projection screen while woman do nasty things in POV on the TV. After one minute, they randomly change to something else. While this is going on, I do with the toys what's happening on the TV. If there's a blowjob clip, I use the gently caress My Face. If there's a titty-loving clip, I use the gently caress My Big Fat Titties. And if there's a vaginal or anal sex clip, I use the gently caress Me Silly.
Almost always, I blow my load on the 8th clip. Being super-stoned while using premium sex toys and watching edited clips on two big screens is an overwhelming experience, and my orgasms are so powerful, I'm usually lying on my bed for a few minutes after catching my breath, even though I am in excellent shape. About this time, the munchies kick in and it's eat time. After microwaving or otherwise preparing my meal, it's watch or play time, and I spend the next two hours or so watching a television program or movie, or playing a video game.
Finally, after about three hours after smoking, my high has worn off and I start to get tired. I put my toys away in their drawer and plug my laptop, tablet, and smartphone into their chargers. I throw away any trash, then I brush my teeth and go to bed.
I first set out on this about four years ago, when I discovered that fapping 20 minutes after smoking weed produced mind-blowing orgasms. Then I experimented with different types of porn until I found what turned me on the most. Then I bought a Fleshlight and found it to be much better than using my hand. I kept improving the system with my motto: "Build a Better Fap Machine". Now, I don't know how I can improve it any more. I came up with two different titles for what I wanted to call my masturbation method: The Ultimate Fap Machine, and The World's Greatest Fap Machine. I couldn't decide which term to use, so now I refer to the method where I'm sitting as the Ultimate Fap Machine (UFM) and the one where I'm kneeling as the World's Greatest Fap Machine (WGFM).
No one on earth knows I do this. No one knows I own the Pipedream Extreme toys. This is the first time I have told anyone.
|
|
#
?
Apr 28, 2017 00:04
|
|
- myDad
- Jan 20, 2010
-
ce n'est pas ma mère
-
College Slice
|
lmao always gold
|
|
#
?
Apr 28, 2017 00:09
|
|
- scuba school sucks
- Aug 30, 2012
-
The brilliance of my posting illuminates the forums like a jar of shining gold when all around is dark
|
|
|
#
?
Apr 28, 2017 00:16
|
|
- Smythe
- Oct 12, 2003
-
|
thank you, and lol
|
|
#
?
Apr 28, 2017 00:16
|
|
- Adbot
-
ADBOT LOVES YOU
|
|
|
#
?
Apr 26, 2024 08:18
|
|
- Return Of JimmyJars
- Jun 24, 2006
-
by FactsAreUseless
|
About 3 grand of dragon dillz
|
|
#
?
Apr 28, 2017 00:20
|
|
#
?
Apr 27, 2017 18:39
