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Oldie but one of my favorite opinion articles ever: My Morbidly Obese Wife Said The Most Interesting Thing The Other Day Just the amount of barely disguised disgust the husband has makes this article amazing
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Jan 25, 2013 18:08
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Tiny article the other day has simultaneously left me in a giggling fit, and ashamed at the realization that, I too, have named my coats.  Little close to home there, Onion.Eccentric Man Introduces New Sweater To Closet Pals Colonel Coat And Captain Blazer.
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Jan 25, 2013 18:24
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I can't tell how old this is but Mother Who Forgot To Pay 29-Year-Old Son's Phone Bill Reminded To Really Be Careful About That is impossibly spot-on.
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Jan 25, 2013 18:47
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At the bottom of their most recent video.quote:Serial Killer Keeps Accidentally Carving "2012" Into Victims' Torsos
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Jan 25, 2013 19:27
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The man who courageously refused to believe he had cancer and the Bullshit happening somewhere are by far my favorites.
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Jan 25, 2013 19:37
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Okay, this is several years old by now, but it's still hilarious and it's what got me into the Onion to begin with: Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile
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Jan 25, 2013 19:42
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Chalk another one up for people reporting Onion stories as real.
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Jan 25, 2013 20:37
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Michael Phelps Apologizes To Nation After Tasting Subway For First Time
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Jan 25, 2013 20:58
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 8th Grader Impregnated During Trip To 'March For Life' Event posted:WASHINGTON—Mallory Pickens, a 13-year-old pro-life extremist attending today’s March for Life event in the nation’s capital, was reportedly unaware that she had been impregnated the previous evening by a fellow member of her church’s anti-abortion organization. “Right to choose? That’s a lie! Babies do not choose to die!” chanted the sign-toting Lambs of Christ activist who is utterly ignorant of the fact that the semen of Kirk Tussle, a 13-year-old fellow church member and pro-life extremist, had completed the capacitation stage and resulted in a fertilized zygote following a fumbling sexual encounter at the Holiday Inn Express where their group had rented several adjoining rooms. “Life from conception! No exception!” At press time, sources close to Pickens predict that after discovering the pregnancy she will drop out of school, isolate herself from friends and family, and suffer crippling postpartum depression.
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Jan 25, 2013 22:37
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For once the Onion is incorrect, what will really happen when the pregnancy is discovered is that the family will quietly get their daughter an abortion and then not think twice about the hypocrisy of returning to their picket lines outside PP.
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Jan 26, 2013 01:14
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Jodie Foster Inspires Teens To Come Out Using Vague, Rambling Riddles "I have a deep emotional bond with a person....of a gender!" loving amazing.
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Jan 26, 2013 02:13
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The Onion Honors Roe v. Wade's 40th Anniversary With List Of Top 10 Abortions Of All Time Excellent use of the Rule of Three
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Jan 26, 2013 23:42
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SpiderHyphenMan posted:The Onion Honors Roe v. Wade's 40th Anniversary With List Of Top 10 Abortions Of All Time It seems to be all people who have had abortions, except for one person who was aborted.  What's the point of flip-flopping like that? It doesn't add anything.
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Jan 26, 2013 23:52
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More Manti Te'o! Brady Quinn Frantically Trying To Confirm His Online Girlfriend Not A Hoax
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Jan 27, 2013 03:52
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Jerry Manderbilt posted:More Manti Te'o!
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Jan 27, 2013 03:57
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How did the Diamond Joe thing start? Like, what was the first one?
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Jan 27, 2013 14:10
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The earliest "Diamond Joe" persona of Biden I could find was from January 2009 in their "News in Photos" section. Joe Biden Shows Up To Inauguration With Ponytail
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Jan 27, 2013 14:21
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Millions Of Human Beings Experiencing Actual Emotions About J.J. Abrams Directing 'Star Wars'
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Jan 27, 2013 22:44
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NASA Continues Search For Planet Capable Of Supporting NASA
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Jan 28, 2013 21:10
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SpiderHyphenMan posted:The Onion Honors Roe v. Wade's 40th Anniversary With List Of Top 10 Abortions Of All Time Wow, 3 for the older sister and 1 for the younger. Is Davenport a hot bead of fundamentalist christians?
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Jan 28, 2013 21:27
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The American Dream posted:Wow, 3 for the older sister and 1 for the younger. Is Davenport a hot bead of fundamentalist christians? I think someone on The Onion's staff is just from the area as they've done a couple of stories set there before.
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Jan 28, 2013 21:32
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Nation Would Not Be Surprised At This Point If Chris Brown Allegedly Traveled Back In Time And Punched Anne Frank
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Jan 28, 2013 22:11
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Biden scores 800 feet of copper wire
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Jan 28, 2013 22:51
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Boondock Saint posted:Nation Would Not Be Surprised At This Point If Chris Brown Allegedly Traveled Back In Time And Punched Anne Frank
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Jan 28, 2013 22:56
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More on the NRA: When Will These Senseless Gun Debates Come To An End? By Wayne LaPierre, NRA CEO
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Jan 28, 2013 23:43
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Was this series popular? Historical Archives: Citizens Are Now Free to Practise Any Form Of Protestantism They Want quote:In their infinite Wisdom and Compassion, the Founders of our Young Republic have seen fit to bestow upon we Americans, the Wise and Enlightened Sons of the Re-Formation, the Religious Freedom to practise with out re-percussion, any of the number of austere and unbending Denominations, of PROTESTANTISM that We might choose in the Service of Honouring JESUS CHRIST, our One Lord and Saviour. Be you Anglican, Baptist, Anabaptist, Puritan, or even Pietist, then worry not in regard to having weighty Stones of sharp points cast upon your Person, or your Land salted and your Mule burnt to the ground as is done to the hooked-nose JEW, and allay your fears of being beat'n about the Head and Boddie, covered in Quick-lime, Tarr, and Ground-Glass, and driven into the Sea, as is the much deserv'd Lot of the wicked PAPIST. Also: Historical Archives: New York Threatened By O'er-Crowding As Population Climbs To Twelve Thousands Historical Archives: Alexander Hamilton Challenges Nation To A Duel jojoinnit has a new favorite as of 02:28 on Jan 29, 2013 |
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Jan 29, 2013 02:15
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jojoinnit posted:Was this series popular? I hadn't seen it before. A relevant one: Historical Archives: 14 Are Killed In 6-Hour-Long Schoolhouse Musket Shooting.
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Jan 29, 2013 02:19
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The last one lead me to A Most Amusing Duck Delays The Local Noontime Pillorying  quote:The Assembled, far from demonstrating the dignified and somber Mien that befits a Mob, instead cast Bits of Bread at the Silly Bird, so as to encourage its continu'd Presence on the Common. 
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Jan 29, 2013 03:52
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I've been trying to find the Onion Sports coverage of the Pro-Bowl bombings from a while back. Seems like the right time to relive it, but I cannot find it on their site or on YouTube. Is it still out there?
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Jan 29, 2013 04:50
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Not a historical archive article, but still one of my favourite "old onions" African Americans go from being no good at sports to being good only at sports.
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Jan 29, 2013 05:12
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Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object
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Jan 29, 2013 18:34
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Jesus CHRIST. 
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Jan 29, 2013 19:13
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BrooklynBruiser posted:Jesus CHRIST. quote:“Take a look at it,” added Turner of the former human being. “I can think of a lot of things I’d like to do with that.”
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Jan 29, 2013 20:18
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BrooklynBruiser posted:Jesus CHRIST. I couldn't get past the second paragraph it was making me too uncomfortable.
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Jan 29, 2013 21:56
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ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
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Jan 29, 2013 23:31
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The Onion Demands John Kerry Tell The Truth About His Swift Boat Service
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Jan 29, 2013 23:37
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This is incredible and also deeply depressing.
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Jan 30, 2013 00:21
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Nation Excited For Opportunity To Watch Harbaugh Lose Super Bowl Classic Harbaugh question: which one?
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Jan 30, 2013 01:47
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And that's when I realized just how close the real world actually is to Pokegirls.
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Jan 30, 2013 17:17
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Flawless. That's biting. Anyone else notice the first person they talk to is the uncle?  This was my favourite line: quote:Marveling at the rite of passage that all females make from girlhood into entirely disempowered objecthood, Hayes expressed confidence that the 17-year-old would one day become a highly prized physical possession for “one lucky guy.” Cold.
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Jan 30, 2013 18:10
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