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The "babies are stupid" story was in "The Onion's Finest News Reporting", which was one of their first books, if not their first book altogether. I can understand why they pulled that "bear rapes man" story somebody posted above, but this one was pretty good satire.
Zugzwang has a new favorite as of 03:53 on Mar 26, 2013 |
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Mar 26, 2013 03:49
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Zugzwang posted:The "babies are stupid" story was in "The Onion's Finest News Reporting", which was one of their first books, if not their first book altogether. I can understand why they pulled that "bear rapes man" story somebody posted above, but this one was pretty good satire. It's perfect satire because it's true; human babies really are exceptionally stupid, and it's one of the things that makes us human. This is why The Onion is the best at what it does. That said, I still really enjoy the completely ridiculous articles: Man Has Trouble Growing Full Beard of Bees
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Mar 26, 2013 04:47
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Man Cautiously Avoids Barnes & Noble Section Where Teens Check Out Graphic Novels, if only because someone on the Onion really likes Alan Moore's Swamp Thing. Not the first time a 30-something dude had trouble reading Swamp Thing. Or the first time Swamp Thing has been venerated.
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Mar 26, 2013 04:55
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ultrafilter posted:Did you know that The Onion has actually pulled an article from their archives? Why the hell? This is one poo poo of a coincidence but just the other day I cracked up in a meeting when I randomly remembered the phrase 'putrid ursine semen'. This is easily in my top five Onions. Supreme Allah has a new favorite as of 06:21 on Mar 26, 2013 |
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Mar 26, 2013 06:18
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/divorced-father-buys-string-cheese-to-make-coming,31791/
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Mar 26, 2013 16:00
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Crisis Averted When Tennessee Lawmakers Discover Muslim Foot Bath Is Actually Just a Mop Sink
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Mar 26, 2013 16:10
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It took me 5 minutes after I read the entire article before I realized it wasn't The Onion.
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Mar 26, 2013 16:18
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ultrafilter posted:Crisis Averted When Tennessee Lawmakers Discover Muslim Foot Bath Is Actually Just a Mop Sink God drat it. It's practically written like an Onion article up until they pull out the AP source. 
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Mar 26, 2013 17:52
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Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares' The saddest Onion articles are the ones where I would kill any one of you to make them come true, and I would be more than happy to die myself to achieve that end. Like this one about Obama, or this one they did on the 10th anniversary of 9/11.
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Mar 26, 2013 18:28
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To mark today's SCOTUS cases regarding same-sex marriage, I thought this was worth posting: I Get To Determine Whether Gay People Can Marry (by Clarence Thomas) quote:I've spoken maybe two times in the past decade, for Christ’s sake. Think about that. That’s hundreds and hundreds of cases during which I've sat silently and twiddled my thumbs as my colleagues actively interrogated lawyers and posed tough questions about the scope and applications of laws—cases to which I barely paid attention, sometimes appearing to nap on the bench. And I get to have a say in deciding on a constitutional level whether or not all adult members of the human race have the right to recognize their unions? That historic judgment falls on my shoulders?
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Mar 26, 2013 20:02
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I Feel Very Strongly About The Issue Of Same Sex Marriage Because I Have A Gay Son by God
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Mar 26, 2013 21:11
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Sometimes I read a few really boring Onion articles in a row and start to think maybe they've lost their touch. Then they post something like the one Jerry just posted and prove that they're still the leading force out there in powerful, relevant satire.
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Mar 26, 2013 21:43
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Stars Of Canceled Show Terrified Fans Will Raise Money For Movie
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Mar 26, 2013 21:51
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Kim Jong Un comes out in support of gay marriage
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Mar 26, 2013 22:08
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A Fancy 400 lbs posted:Sometimes I read a few really boring Onion articles in a row and start to think maybe they've lost their touch. Then they post something like the one Jerry just posted and prove that they're still the leading force out there in powerful, relevant satire.
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Mar 26, 2013 22:35
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PAY ATTENTION, JEANKETEERS! My reactions while reading this were a mixture of hilarity and pain 
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Mar 26, 2013 23:06
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Zugzwang posted:The "babies are stupid" story was in "The Onion's Finest News Reporting", which was one of their first books, if not their first book altogether. I can understand why they pulled that "bear rapes man" story somebody posted above, but this one was pretty good satire. I think they got rid of a lot of pre-2000 articles a while ago. I don't know why, but I do know that I haven't been able to find "Area Bassist Fellated" since at least 2007.
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Mar 27, 2013 00:11
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A lot of those articles have ended up in books, so maybe they're trying to make that look like a little better deal.
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Mar 27, 2013 00:14
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SpiderHyphenMan posted:Supreme Court On Gay Marriage: 'Sure, Who Cares' The Onion posted:Following the last of many toasts, attendees gathered in the Freedom Tower's Dick Cheney Memorial Auditorium to watch journalist Daniel Pearl's special retrospective on the successful 2002 prosecution of all known terror suspects through fair and legal trials. Former president Bush concluded the ceremony with a few short words. Haha, Hot drat this is gold, on a similar note: Ten years later Cheney Haunted By People He Didn't Manage To Kill In Iraq War
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Mar 27, 2013 00:53
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Fourth-Graders' Button-Making-Machine Privileges Suspended Indefinitely
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Mar 27, 2013 12:26
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"I'm not a monster." 
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Mar 27, 2013 16:18
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code:
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Mar 27, 2013 16:18
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 Robert Mapplethorpe Children's Museum Celebrates Grand Opening
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Mar 27, 2013 17:31
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Might want to mark that NSFW.
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Mar 27, 2013 17:33
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Supreme Court Justices Brought To Tears By Heartfelt Testimony Of Bigot Who Hates Gay People Yes indeed, the arguments being used by the anti-marriage equality attorney are really, really, truly embarrassingly terrible.
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Mar 27, 2013 17:51
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Report: It Pretty Incredible That Americans Entrusted With Driving Cars
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Mar 27, 2013 19:00
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 Arguments For And Against Same-Sex Marriage
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Mar 27, 2013 22:44
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quote:Everything on registry too expensive I'll go along with that one.
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Mar 28, 2013 00:51
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The Onion Once Again Condemns Actor Eric Bana For His Continued Silence On The Issue Of Gay Marriage
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Mar 28, 2013 21:53
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No one is safe from the Onion. Not even Hollywood actor Eric Bana. The last sentence is great. EDIT: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FOILED AGAIN 
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Mar 28, 2013 21:54
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ModernMajorGeneral posted:Oh my god gently caress you and gently caress the Onion. 
LogicNinja has a new favorite as of 22:29 on Mar 28, 2013 |
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Mar 28, 2013 22:14
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zoux posted:
Same. I have no idea why, but back when it was easy to find all of one character's commentaries by clicking the author's name, I'd read hers and Anchowers beginning to end every couple months when I got bored at work.
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Mar 29, 2013 00:01
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Senior Woodchuck posted:I think they got rid of a lot of pre-2000 articles a while ago. I don't know why, but I do know that I haven't been able to find "Area Bassist Fellated" since at least 2007. I just saw it linked under the 'More' section from the Eric Bana article: http://www.theonion.com/audio/area-bassist-fellated,30733/
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Mar 29, 2013 02:55
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One of my favorite infographics was from a few years ago about Hockey's New Rules, which came out after the last lockout. It's still kinda on the site but all it shows now is a giant NHL logo. All I really remember is: "Penalty box camera to add 20 menacing pounds."
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Mar 29, 2013 03:21
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Jet Jaguar posted:One of my favorite infographics was from a few years ago about Hockey's New Rules, which came out after the last lockout. It's still kinda on the site but all it shows now is a giant NHL logo. "Mark Messier to be transformed into constellation and cast into the heavens, where his unblinking and fearful countenance shall keep watch over hockey for all time." E: Oh my god I saved it back in 2005 and still have it on my computer. 
All on Black has a new favorite as of 04:37 on Mar 29, 2013 |
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Mar 29, 2013 04:29
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Mississippi Bans Soft Drinks Smaller Than 20 Ounces And their obesity rate broke 50% at long last.
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Mar 29, 2013 06:52
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Taylor Swift Now Dating Senator Joseph McCarthy
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Mar 29, 2013 16:52
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Holy poo poo. Fallen Firefighter Remembered As Idiot Who Sucked At His Job http://www.theonion.com/articles/fallen-firefighter-remembered-as-idiot-who-sucked,31862/
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Mar 29, 2013 19:16
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 Today Now!Finance Expert Saves Struggling Zoo By Firing All Employees, Getting Rid of Cages The "finance expert" is a perfect living version of the 80s businessman in Futurama. EDIT: "If you want the rest of this week's news, be at dock 7 in Seaside Heights at 8 PM with $16,000. Come alone." Lysidas has a new favorite as of 20:45 on Mar 29, 2013 |
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Mar 29, 2013 20:36
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Diamond Joe's official biography! The President of Vice.
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Mar 29, 2013 22:02
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