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In.
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# ? Jan 6, 2015 21:34 |
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# ? Apr 26, 2024 04:20 |
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In penance for my DM, I'll crit some stories, not in any particular kind of order. Nethilia, Out of My Life: I'm not sure how I feel about this one. The first paragraph is a clunker, but the rest of the story is better. The broken tooth seems shoehorned in. Noah being a pedophile/supercreep is a big twist to throw into the last few lines but it kind of works - we've all met guys who are far too old to be dating schoolgirls (I'm assuming they can't be the same age because the parents were called and Joyce was watching frozen on an ipad - that's toddler/early primary school fodder, right?). You probably could have put more clues earlier in though, possibly with the parent's reactions to her drinking/pregnancy. Your Sledgehammer, Two Bullets: I like the plot concept, the dialogue works, but something about the whole doesn't work for me. I think it's the mix between nice short sentences and the long flowery ones. Your main character doesn't talk like the kind of person who thinks about tentacles craving ignorance (as interesting a metaphor as that is). I'll do some more of these later.
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# ? Jan 6, 2015 22:25 |
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Your Sledgehammer posted:Please post this, it sounds awesome. I mean that completely unironically. I would, but I lost the USB drive I had backed it up on as well as the original manuscript when my old computer went kablooey. It was a sublimely ridiculous story, with such supporting characters as an aging roboticist/ ex-luchador, an autistic android obsessed with increasingly bizarre costumes, and an army of crazed redneck Mad Max-style robo-mutants led by an S&M fetishist who talks like Foghorn Leghorn. And I didn't even mention anything about the disco-based security system.
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# ? Jan 6, 2015 22:46 |
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oh good fifteen people submitted right before the deadline surely this means their entries will be polished and proofre thundercrits 126 - should plot and tension be forgot Screaming Idiot - Like Old Times Trying to hook me with the cold start to this week’s episode of Ironside. I’ve read so many generic crime dramas feat. people, guns and edgy dialogue I just roll my eyes when someone plays this stuff straight. Goddamnit, I’m getting too old for this poo poo *slams badge and gun on the table* Take away the Cops and Robbers LARP and there’s nothing redeeming or original. The only standouts are Andy, whose role is nebulous, and a hail of forced expository dialogue beating down on me like I was the pinata at a bad fiction party. score: going to the same pub as every year but this time you’ll totally try the Guinness (you won’t) Cacto - The will Right from the get-go this throws a dozen names at me, along with a cast of characters that never makes it to the second dimension. It’s impossible to tell what’s going on or who is who and then it turns out you were just rambling along as the real conflict of the piece, the inheritance made out to the gardener, is slowly, slooooowly introduced somewhere halfway through. Then a bunch of pointless dialogue happens and you pull an “AND THEN THEY ALL DIED LOL” twist ending without ever resolving or showing me anything that could have been interesting about your premise. A house of cards imploding in a storm of farts - truly an appropriate ending. score: party crashers locking you out of your own studio apartment Schneider Heim - New Habits Recurring theme this week: rambling retirees. It’s hard to get into your story because it isn’t upfront about what’s going on and reveals crucial information through dialogue, at a snail’s pace and in an order that initially confuses me about who plays what role. It’s not a good idea to introduce a retired and potentially still evil supervillain by first telling me how he’s now a police chief who makes the neighborhood a safer place. The conflict of this piece, the protagonist’s inner fight of good vs evil, is superficial, forced and comes too late. It happens mostly in the form of internal monologue, and then for some reason the bad (?) guy really decides not to kill his ex-nemesis, possibly due to events that happened after his retirement and made him a better person, which we never get to see, you just kinda shove it in there and expect me to swallow it. score: awesome fireworks display but you forgot your glasses at home Nethilia - Out of My Life Starts out like Cacto’s story and throws a ton of names around that don’t mean anything to me. Your piece picks up after the intro and gets more interesting then, but I still feel like you’re holding back the main conflict, like the whole story exists to fill me in on missing backstory details instead of giving me a clear problem for your character to work on. It doesn’t need anywhere this many characters and suffers from the overabundance. Minnie and Gabriel are both supporting cast members, and you only need one for that role. Then I don’t care about Noah because I know nothing about the guy, because you run up against the wordcount. You’re a strong writer and it shows in the descriptive parts of your story, particularly the car ride scene and the flashback, which grows from the story very organically. score: one bottle of champagne for twenty people Your Sledgehammer - Two Bullets Like most entries this week this is mostly a portrait piece, albeit a nice one. The whole theme of a hero cop falling from fame is consistent through the story and while the beginning is muddled and cheesy it does well enough in establishing your characters to see me through to the end, which is also cheesy but serviceable. That said, it’s a very run of the mill cop drama. You rely on that, never showing me why Larry turns to the bottle because you expect me to recognize the stereotype. Which is fine, if you focus on their combined battle against his alcoholism. But you don’t show that either. Go for portrait, go for plot, but do one of them and do it right. Also it’s kinda odd how the protagonist goes “Well we dumped your booze, my job here is done GOODBYE FOREVER (also thanks for saving my life) BYE!!!” score: meeting an old friend at a party and they’re obviously just talking to you out of politeness Fumblemouse - Football and Fireworks This story only exists to surprise me with a twist ending that I see coming from a mile away. It’s nicely written, but you know that. Plotwise it’s one of the weakest stories this week. I guess there’s supposed to be something with the dude’s wife going on, like she died and now the imaginary friend is back. Okay, so what? score: byob party, nobody brings their own booze Sitting Here - Touch and Go and Touch Again I have no idea what’s going on or what the plot is supposed to be. Sure, it’s two souls who are meant for each other, at different points in time, but that’s just a premise and that’s not enough. Super confusing with all the name dropping, and especially Dasra and Nasatya, who start out in some god’s garden, then as characters in some other character’s story, who is also one of them?? and then they’re in India and then with that god again and then there’s a bunch of other characters who are also them and it’s all a simulation only it’s not. Seriously, what’s the deal with Paris and Helena, they’re the confusing cherry on top of this clusterfuck pie. There’s probably a neat idea somewhere, but the execution dives face first into the pavement. score: drunk “friend” aiming fireworks at you LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE - Penny Puncher I liked this because I’m a plot hog and you actually had one, which is more than most other entries can say for themselves. The story of a martial artist’s rise to fame isn’t super original, but you spiced it up with fight scenes which i really liked, and his interspersed narration of his rising urge to win. Potential HM candidate for me. Alas, I'm but one puny judge. There are two big problems: firstly, the climax is rushed as hell. You have a bunch of fights in this story, and the finale seems miniscule in comparison. Secondly, I don’t think you know what Sayid is supposed to be. Is he Alvin’s mentor? Then how does it make sense that he disappears right after Alvin’s first fight, while Alvin is still in the hospital, without saying a word? Their relationship is super unclear, but it’s also super important. Fix that. score: meeting your high-school crush and getting wasted together, waking up next to her mom Walamor - Decisions A rushed piece whose only saving grace is not being as offensively toxic as our four horsemen of the crapocalypse over there. It relies heavily on hammy expository dialogue to tell a story that only begins and ends the way it does because I guess that’s how you’ve seen it on television. Their conversation isn’t realistic and the plot isn’t interesting and since all you show me is their talking heads I don’t care if they live or die or kill each other, as long as it ends. Sorry if this sounds a tad negative, but there really is nothing redeeming about this piece other than the baseline courtesy of it having a beginning, middle and end. score: passing out drunk before midnight Anomalous Blowout - When You Need It Most Out of the few entries that had magic in them yours was the only one that worked. Right from the start it’s clear that there’s something special about Mr. Hanrahan, and then the story confirms it, and then I want to see what other cool stuff he gives Alice and how she’s going to need it. It’s a bit light on the plot side. Most of your words line up to form flashbacks, but they’re enjoyable to read and tie into a satisfying ending so I don’t mind, somehow. It seems a little odd she doesn’t immediately jump to “oh yeah I have a whistle” and instead takes a far-fetched subconscious detour through her history with her cooky neighbor, but looking at your timeline you don’t really have a better choice of telling it. Not the best thing I ever read, but a good showing in a week with few strong contenders. score: raclette with friends docbeard - Good Night, Miss Mason The beginning is pretty tight and then it just peters out into a brownish trickle of exposition. Could have been fun as a wacky story of grandma/grandpa agents on one last mission to defeat the agency. Isn’t fun as a closeted worldbuilding piece about one character’s surprise revival and another character’s surprise death, neither of whom you give me any reason to care about. The ending is beneath you. Character poisoning that comes out of left field - you probably ran out of time for this, but it sure is a stinker. score: jigsaw puzzles with friends because nobody else feels like going out Ironic Twist - Crush There’s some yadda yadda yadda about Izzie’s mom going on but you’ve hidden any overarching message deep between the lines, like a protagonist wedged between two halves of a couch, or a scare scene between two halves of a boring story. That small core of horror is pretty effective and further emphasized by her flashback to her abusive mother, but ultimately it comes and goes without any lasting effect. I think you’re trying to show me some reaction in the protagonist’s attitude towards her deceased mother but it’s seriously understated and I end up with no idea of what you were trying to tell me. score: falling asleep on the couch and somebody scares you awake with a signal horn leekster - Injury Reserve I’m running out of synonyms for ‘bad’ so I’m going to pull a reversal and preemptively call next week’s loser the “Injury Reserve” of TD #127. Poor proofreading (as in: none), a meandering vignette, ham-flavored prose nuggets (“And with that the clerk swept the rest of the crumbs up as quick as he could, no longer interested in killing time with the customer who maimed his teammate”), this crap slurpee is light on nutritional content and yet it doesn’t go down easy. Not quite as messy as Cacto’s, not quite as dumb as Benny’s, but aggressively boring and truly that’s the worst sin of all. Closely edged out by BIG’s compound terribleness, but by God you tried. score: drunkenly falling down the stairs Jonked - The Pearl Hmm, I liked this initially. No character agency to speak of, but that’s week 126 for ya. You offered me a solid, depressing portrayal of a failed marriage and the ruined lives it contains, with the parcel scene being particularly intense and soul-crushing. Then the pearl happens and I, like, what the gently caress man? I didn’t even get it at first, like why is he suddenly sitting at the bar? Is this an alternate universe? Kaishai suggested that the Pearl took him back in time for some reason. I dunno. It comes out of nowhere, so I don’t believe any of it. Also “his life flashed” doesn’t do anything to explain what happens and could have just as well been left out, or, preferably, replaced by something clearer. Solid entry ruined by a poor shot at magical realism, or whatever the gently caress. score: cool party turning into a doomsday cult orgy kurona_bright - Stump Talk Duller than a vegan BBQ. The supporting cast exists for no other reason than to have someone your protagonist can regurgitate their backstory to, which is also you story, which is no story at all. People wander through snow and find ghosts of the past. Some nice imagery and overall not badly written, but horribly plotted. Only line I really enjoyed was the Terry Pratchett quote. score: spending the evening home alone crabrock - Waves This needed another editing pass. It’s fine compared to what the others brought to the table but it’s far from the story it could be. I don’t get a feel for Becky #2 being a deadbeat in the beginning other than you telling me after their breakup. Then you have “Deadbeat Becky” and “Successful Overachiever Becky”, and that’s their stereotypes and they cling to them more tightly than my lips to a bottle of Barbados rum on a judging Monday. The theme you tried to work in, lines actually being curves and Becky #1 not noticing the crookedness, that’s a nice idea, but it seems like an afterthought to what is mostly a story about a chance meeting between two former schoolmates. score: awkward and short-lived conversation with an old friend at the bar because you have nothing to say to each other Benny the Snake - The Christmas Truce This was very stupid. I’d almost say hilariously stupid, but then The Christmas Truce is a very moving thing that actually happened, and I’m a little insulted at this bad ripoff, for some reason placed in present day America, peppered with atrocious dialogue, wonky characters, preachy prose and plagiarized guest stars God and Guns N' Roses. Basically you took a good thing and everything you changed about it made it worse. Where some stories suffered from understatement you had your theme written on your sleeves, forehead, tattooed all over your body and written on a giant billboard you chained yourself to. Like you sat down and said, “I’m going to write a piece about war, and how war is bad,” and then you just tried to cram it down my throat. Oh look, the priest has TEARS STREAMING DOWN HIS FACE. Every other line is a really obvious attempt at reader manipulation, and yes, you’re supposed to manipulate me, but you’re not supposed to be obvious about it. It’s like you didn’t want to spend too much time on this and just went straight for the next best thing you could think of, throughout your entire story, capped by the horrible, forced ending where everyone dies, welp! Man, Benny, please keep writing and all but this was vile. You have to try harder. score: fireworks rocket exploding in your pants Tyrannosaurus - Teeth and Time I found the beginning confusing. I’m not sure who is who, or who is on the island and who goes there, or what tense we’re in, but I guess there’s a kid somewhere who isn’t supposed to go out at sea for some nebulous reason. And it goes there anyway and gets lost? And his mother flies there for seven hours to save it? Uhhh… *drools* Then you pull a water demon out of your rear end and the mother elopes with him, leading to one of the least satisfying endings in a week that had not one, but two stories that basically ended by dropping an ACME bomb on their characters. I guess this works better if you’re familiar with the themes you’re alluding to (Kaishai mentioned something about sea babies? selkies??). But I’m not, and this is the worst piece I’ve seen from you so far. score: frantically searching the streets for your posse while people are already counting down to the new year Bad Ideas Good - Charolette The chili flake in the diarrhea pool at the bottom of this week’s dung barrel, this story is all the other loser candidates combined: a jumbled mess with some really dumb moments, poorly plotted and riddled with errors to a point where I’m not sure if you were fully accountable while committing this atrocity. What is going on? What’s the deal with Charlotte and why does she suddenly appear at the end? What’s the druid scene supposed to tell me, and why is there a talking snake? Why are there suddenly 50 people in his apartment? Why is he stuffing the box with the thorny C down the snake’s throat? What’s the point of any of this? Can you put the blunt down, I’m trying to talk to you. The blocking issues are something else and make your dialogue impossible to follow. You can’t switch between people mid-paragraph. For a good guide on proper blocking, please read any story ever, except this one. Also, there’s a typo in your title. score: Y2K --- three linecrits, #126 only, first come first serve Entenzahn fucked around with this message at 23:17 on Jan 6, 2015 |
# ? Jan 6, 2015 22:53 |
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In this week.
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# ? Jan 6, 2015 23:23 |
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In.
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# ? Jan 6, 2015 23:43 |
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sisään.
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# ? Jan 6, 2015 23:48 |
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I'll take a line crit, Entenzahn. Thanks! E: Screaming Idiot posted:lost the USB drive Shame, I'd read the hell out of that. Your Sledgehammer fucked around with this message at 00:20 on Jan 7, 2015 |
# ? Jan 6, 2015 23:52 |
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bye
anime was right fucked around with this message at 06:48 on Oct 27, 2015 |
# ? Jan 7, 2015 00:23 |
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I shall grace you all with a story written with one hand since the other will be carrying a screaming baby. In
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# ? Jan 7, 2015 00:38 |
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Thank you for the crit Ent.
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# ? Jan 7, 2015 00:40 |
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Entenzahn posted:GOD DAMMIT SCREAMING IDIOT, YOU'RE OFF THE CASE! Yeah, I think I'll bone up a little more on my research before I try writing crime stuff again. I actually had a lot more planned, but a lack of experience or planning kept me from doing it. I think I might salvage the story sometime though, because the idea of a naked man running down the sidewalk with a bullet wound and a pair of aviator shades still makes me chuckle. Mercedes posted:I shall grace you all with a story written with one hand since the other will be carrying a screaming baby. The Thunderdome will welcome your sacrifice -- it's no stranger to bloodshed, but how often do we throw our little sons and daughters into the pit in tribute? Seriously, kudos for improving your writing while juggling being a parent/caretaker -- that shows dedication.
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# ? Jan 7, 2015 01:23 |
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Screaming Idiot posted:Yeah, I think I'll bone up a little more on my research before I try writing crime stuff again. I actually had a lot more planned, but a lack of experience or planning kept me from doing it. I think I might salvage the story sometime though, because the idea of a naked man running down the sidewalk with a bullet wound and a pair of aviator shades still makes me chuckle. screaming idiot this really isn't the place for chitchat especially when you are a well u know
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# ? Jan 7, 2015 01:29 |
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Mercedes posted:I shall grace you all with a story written with one hand quote:since the other will be carrying a screaming baby. MERCEDES WORD BONUS: +100 extra words if someone in your story is sexually frustrated. It must matter to the plot.
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# ? Jan 7, 2015 01:42 |
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Sitting Here posted:Touch and Go and Touch Again
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# ? Jan 7, 2015 03:25 |
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docbeard posted:Good Night, Miss Mason
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# ? Jan 7, 2015 03:39 |
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leekster posted:Injury Reserve
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# ? Jan 7, 2015 03:51 |
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Thank you very much for the detailed crit hillock. Yours will be up sometime tomorrow.
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# ? Jan 7, 2015 04:13 |
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Entenzahn posted:sebmojammin' here brawl Aroha and Squid-eater 500 words It started with an eerie song in the dead of night. While her sisters clapped their hands over their ears or buried their heads under their bedfurs, Aroha crawled out of their tent and stole down to the beach. Squid-eater was crying, but why? Aroha huddled deep in her sealskin cloak beside the sea and mimicked the sea monster's sad song, soft and quiet in her throat. “Wake up child! The monster is stirring up a tidal wave!” Aroha’s grandmother was already half-dragging her up the beach. It was just past dawn. Aroha gained her footing, blearily perceived her tribesfolk sprinting up the low inland hills in the distance. She looked back at the sea; sure enough, there was Squid-eater, swimming back and forth across the horizon, thrashing his giant tailfin. The water rose up into a wall that quickly closed in on the island. Aroha tore away from her grandmother and ran knee-deep into the ocean. She sang louder than she’d ever sang before, low and wordless and mournful. Squid-eater’s own sad song. The wall of water didn’t stop, but it split so twin waves crashed harmlessly onto the land on either side of Aroha’s village. Aroha collapsed into the shallow water. Her awed tribespeople were there to lift her out and carry her to bed. “It’s said across the island that Squid-eater’s tribe died of a pox,” Aroha heard someone whisper as they laid her down to recuperate. That’s why you were crying, she thought. Squid-eater was a great immortal guardian of the seas, and every guardian needed a tribe to whom they could dispense wisdom and guidance. It would be a tragedy to live forever and have no one to love or look after. That night, Squid-eater sang his sad song again, but Aroha was too weak to go to the shore and sing back to him. By morning, the seas were once again churning with Squid-eater’s rage. With her grandmother’s help, Aroha hobbled out onto the beach. “Squid-eater!” she called over the turbulent ocean sounds. “Come be guardian of our tribe, and suffer loneliness no more!” Squid-eater was curious. He hauled himself as close to the shallows as his titanic body would allow. “Guardians must be kin to the tribe,” he rumbled. Aroha stood up straight, spread her arms wide, and walked the rest of the way to water. “Become my husband,” she said. Ignoring her grandmother’s cries, Aroha waded chest-deep into the ocean. “What do you say, lonely one?” Squid-eater regarded her with one lagoon-sized eye. “I accept,” he said, and Aroha disappeared under the surface. The seamonster wiggled out of the shallows, back into the depths. Aroha wasn’t seen again, and Squid-eater only appeared at a distance, patrolling the seas, as guardians do. Fishermen said they sometimes saw a beautiful seabird fluttering about his great head, singing a sad, beautiful song that made all the lads put down their nets for the tears in their eyes. The seas had never been so calm.
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# ? Jan 7, 2015 11:33 |
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Sitting Here Brawl Simon hated his suit. 465 words A suit was the universal formula, Simon thought as he clambered out of his rented station wagon. Make any man look basically OK . But it didn't work on him. His belly was a Zeppelin tethered to him by cords of sinew and he could only just to do up the buttons on his cheap shiny jacket. But he’d worn his suit, that he hated, today anyway. This was the day when it would happen. This was the day it had to happen. The sun was blinding, arcing from mirror glass on either side of the skyscraper canyon, and Simon had to squint at the numbers by the lifts. Pounce, Barrister and Solicitor of the High Court, 356. Harald, his brother, did not rise when Simon walked into the lawyer's office. Mr Pounce extended an avuncular hand toward the chair at the end of the table. “Simon. Your brother has been explaining to me your challenge to the will.” Simon lowered himself carefully into a chair. The pale wood of the chair was cool, and he took a moment before replying. “My brother has cheated me out of my share, Mr Pounce. The will specified –“ and he felt his lip twitching into an involuntary sneer, “good moral character. Because he is a liar and a cheat he has no such thing and the family herring business must therefore go to me.” Harald's fist hit the oak desk. “gently caress this weak bullshit. My moral character is a goddam church spire. It is a towering inferno of moral character. You just want the herring for yourself. The fame. The herring groupies for all I know. I can see it, Simon, you’ve been transparent like a pane of glass since you were little, I could always tell when you were running a scheme. Your lip does that thing and I find out you've sold a bag of oregano to violent hippies and everything turns to poo poo, and you know what Simon? You’re doing it again, right now, right here. You have nothing on me, your case is bullshit, you are bullshit and we’re wasting this expensive man’s time so let’s get the gently caress on with it, hey?” Mr Pounce nodded carefully. “Simon, any comments? Simon felt a dribble of sweat collect in his ear. A sudden nausea washed through him and he twitched all over with a galvanic shudder. This was it. He reached into his suit and pulled out his pistol. He’d opened his mouth to state his demands when Harald stood up and slapped the gun out of his hands. “See? Always with the stupid. Now get the gently caress out of here, you’re embarrassing yourself.” Harald poked at one of the buttons on Simon's suit and it pinged off underneath the table. “And get yourself a better suit, man.”
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# ? Jan 7, 2015 12:57 |
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sebmojammin' here brawl - judgement Hey hey hey! Thanks for playing. Sitting Here - Aroha and Squid-eater Hmmm yes this is nice, good even, though mostly on a second read because on my first attempt I stumble over Squid-eater. He's some kind of ominous marine demigod titan, but I don't know that and it probably doesn't help that I just read a story from you where two normal people were called Woman-Like-Deer-Path and Tusk-Cutter-Man. So then I get that he's a sea monster but I don't know if he's a giant turtle or a magic shark or whatever the gently caress until he starts drowning the village with his giant fin. The whole placement of Squid-eater is kinda weird, really. He's lonely because his tribe died, so he goes around crushing other tribes. Aroha knows his name right from the word go, implying he's been around, yet they have to explain his backstory to her and somehow he only starts his daily tidal wave attacks at the beginning of the story. I'm not sure how you want me to imagine his music, but when I read "sad song" and "sea" I think "whale song" and how a seabird is supposed to replicate that I do not know. Those are the inconsistencies that come up when I start poking holes into your story, but tbh they don't bother me that much because you're going for the grand scope, a wistful folk tale about a mournful titan and a girl that pities him. A portrait of loneliness but also empathy, and their consequences, framed by a story that focuses on these core themes, builds on them and ups the stakes towards a sweet resolution. sebmojo - Simon hated his suit. An entertaining, slick piece with a clear line of action that seems a bit shallow under the hood. All I learn about Simon is that he's kind of a pushover and I'm not sure if he's taking out his gun because he's tired of being pushed around by his evil brother or if he actually is the evil brother and just kind of a loser. You've done well describing the overt stuff, but some of the subtleties don't work for me. Spotty prose ("Simon lowered himself carefully into a chair. The pale wood of the chair was cool" || "This was the day when it would happen." (rly?)) but you are still p. good at putting rapidfire words next to each other and I guess it mostly comes down to the nervous tone, but somehow you string me along. That said I don't know if it's a good choice to start your 500 word story with descriptions of suits and skyscrapers and then queue into a secondary character's monologue diss and a double twist ending. It's a choice that relies mostly on your strength at line-level and doesn't make for a very strong plot foundation. The reversal on the trite gun-out-of-nowhere twist is genuinely funny, but it's also kind of a weak leg to stand on as I suspect this moment is one of the main reasons you constructed the story the way you did. Overall a decent piece - I read through it without any pained grunts or constantly scrolling down to see how much farther I have to go. It just left me with kind of a hollow feeling, like you served slightly undercooked antipasti and bailed before the main dish. --- Both pieces were above average but only one had an amount of apparent depth and focus to it that made we want to revisit it. Judgement: Sitting Here.
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# ? Jan 7, 2015 14:53 |
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I'm in!
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# ? Jan 7, 2015 22:51 |
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In for this week!
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# ? Jan 7, 2015 23:07 |
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Your Sledgehammer posted:Two Bullets IIRC this was both Kaishai and my fourthmost favorite piece. When new people come to Thunderdome we often tell them to start with straight stories until they get it right, and I think you're getting there. Truly, the worst sin was that your plot and scenes were kinda stock, boiled down to the bare minimum encompassed by the usual stereotype of a drunken cop buddy loving himself over. Prosewise you're still a bit clunky, but there's not really one or two overwhelming mistakes, just a mixed bag of unnecessary blemishes that could be ironed out by another editing pass while reading your story aloud. The only thing that really left a bad aftertaste were your stuffy sentences. Tense scenes need tight sentences and a gruesome murder-suicide is a bad moment to start dabbling in Lovecraftian poetry
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# ? Jan 8, 2015 01:23 |
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In
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# ? Jan 8, 2015 03:40 |
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I'm in.
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# ? Jan 8, 2015 05:47 |
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Entenzahn posted:Line crit of pure awesome Many thanks! Lots of great insights I can use to get better.
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# ? Jan 8, 2015 06:33 |
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Did I say I was in yet? Because I'm in.
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# ? Jan 8, 2015 18:28 |
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More crits for this past week. 10. Anomalous Blowout – When You Need It Most -“Where on earth did you get this? It’s been missing for like a week. Mom’s been panicking.” It seems like Maggie’s mom could just get her a new inhaler. Call it in to the doctor and get a new prescription if necessary. -Good job structuring the story so well. -I wish I knew more about Mr. Hanrahan’s motivations other than he’s just a nice old guy. Your story reminds me of a King’s Quest game. Threatened by a dog? Reach into your inventory and pull out a treat. On the one hand you did have a somewhat creative concept in Mr. Hanrahan and his sure-to-be-useful items, but if you’re playing a King’s Quest game and you just get the items handed to you up front rather than creatively searching for them, it sort of takes the fun out of it. Your story is: Your high school class president. Looking back on things, you can’t remember why she won the election, other than maybe that her opposition was split among so many other candidates of similar strength. Ten years later, she runs a small business that makes useful phone apps, and when you think of her you shrug. 11. docbeard – Good Night, Miss Mason -The first section is intriguing, makes me want to read more. -Then the rest of it kind of unwinds in a dull way. It wasn’t awful, it’s just that the hook of mystery in the first section doesn’t really pay off with anything very interesting. There’s not much more to say about this piece. It’s squarely in the middle of entries this week. Your piece is: A kid from high school whom you knew slightly. He seemed like an okay person, and you always wondered if he’d be fun to hang out with. Ten years later, you work at the same job and hang out together during a company luncheon. Turns out he’s not that interesting. 12. Ironic Twist – Crush -I could talk about how this story is too simplistic, and how the horror aspects fall flat, but I think my critique is best summed up by the acquaintance rating below: Your story is: That crazy Goth girl from high school, the one who used to play with headless dolls at the back of the classroom. Prominently displayed through her clear plastic backpack were the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe. Ten years later, you wonder what’s become of her and a friend tells you she developed schizophrenia, became a luddite, and froze to death in a self-made shack in the woods. 13. leekster – Injury Reserve -You’ve got proofreading issues. Consider: “Agitated he went down to the next aisle in hops it was with the cumin…” and “Marcus unloaded what he had could grab…” You had could better learn never to write like this again. -Too much dialogue for my taste and it’s stilted as gently caress to boot. -So…your story is two former teammates have an altercation at a grocery store? It’s not clear why you thought that might be an interesting premise. Your story is: The kid from high school who used to slip out at lunch and drink forties. He never made it to graduation. You haven’t heard from him since. 14. Jonked – The Pearl -I’m not thrilled about the repetitive conditional use of the word “would” in the first section. You could’ve made the prose flow smoother if you had said something like “On most days, Joe did x, y, and z. But today was different.” That way, there isn’t an awkward gear shifting of tense. -Also I think you linger too long on Joe’s usual routine. The reader quickly loses interest. -It’s not really clear to me what the gently caress is going on in the story. Who is “The Lover” and why would he, or Joe want to be partnered with Sarah? She doesn’t seem desirable in the least. Joe wakes up early to avoid her and has to slap her aside when she ravenously goes for the package. I really can’t make sense of all this. Obviously Sarah was altered (ruined?) by The Lover, but what is the nature of that alteration and how and why did it happen? -Everything after the pearl is an even bigger mess. Now suddenly we have time travel, some woman named Mary, an apparently post-Lover Sarah, and then it just ends. What the gently caress? Your story is: The kid from high school whom you barely remember because he was absent almost every day. Ten years later, he bumps into you at a sporting event. He tries to talk to you but he’s so wasted he makes absolutely no sense.
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# ? Jan 8, 2015 18:30 |
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Crits are cool, you are cool.
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# ? Jan 8, 2015 19:05 |
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old thread closed, format lost (sucks 2 b u)sebmojo posted:The Holothurian Syndrome gesundheit Man this piece so wasn't written for me. It's a very slow burn full of vignettes and circumlocution, as I think it's supposed to be, but I'm a simple man with simple tastes - a protagonist, a goal and the rest is extras. You had some nice themes and imagery going here (leaving out the part where your evocative prose turns to rambling or pure abstract mindfuck), but as a story it's lacking for me. As if it exists to serve me a bunch of slices of life of this character, and then I'm not sure what the pie is about. On my third read-through I'm beginning to suspect that this piece is actually about a stoner turning his life around through and for his family, but the blunt isn't brought up until past the halfway mark. Oh God, is this one of those nebulous coming-of-age-pieces I hear so much about? You employ loooong sentences, sometimes to good, painterly effect but then with others I just fall off the track because they're so convoluted and hard to imagine. It's like wading through water. Then some dialogue is weird as hell (see above). It creates additional distance between me and the protagonists, whom I already feel about like they're from Uranus because of how weird the narration is. This distance is further emphasized when you take some key moments away from me and only show me the aftermath. I don't get to see the birth, I don't get to see the fire. Those are deliberate choices, and you still make good use of what's there mostly, but I don't know if it wouldn't have made for a stronger story the other way around. I mean I guess you set out to write a peaceful portrait of a guy and his coming to grasp with being a father, and you still did that well because you're a good writer. For my taste it wasn't very engaging, and some parts went over my head, but I can see that it has a certain kind of substance to it and I do really like many of the images. Man, what can I say. It's a weird piece, but most of it is well-written. I guess this is as close as I'll come to liking something like this. e: but then I was intrigued enough to read this thrice so you win?? Entenzahn fucked around with this message at 22:51 on Jan 8, 2015 |
# ? Jan 8, 2015 22:46 |
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In.
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# ? Jan 8, 2015 22:50 |
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Ent Critswapquote:Feedback
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# ? Jan 8, 2015 23:13 |
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If you ask to be the third judge, all your wildest dreams will come true!
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# ? Jan 8, 2015 23:39 |
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Anomalous Blowout posted:If you ask to be the third judge, all your wildest dreams will come true! Hi
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# ? Jan 8, 2015 23:56 |
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Hey bb, what u doin tonight Ohhh not much just reading a bunch of terrible stories.
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# ? Jan 9, 2015 00:07 |
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Anomalous Blowout posted:Hey bb, what u doin tonight I hear poo poo makes good fuel for a fire, gonna get cozy in the judging chamber
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# ? Jan 9, 2015 02:36 |
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gently caress you. I'm signing up.
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# ? Jan 9, 2015 03:16 |
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Happy New Year! I am in with a because I think I failed last time or something, I don't remember, but I'll write a story this week.
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# ? Jan 9, 2015 03:28 |
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# ? Apr 26, 2024 04:20 |
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In
Benny the Snake fucked around with this message at 08:14 on Jan 9, 2015 |
# ? Jan 9, 2015 07:53 |