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artsy fartsy posted:Let's leave this at the airport  This gave me a good chuckle. I wish our consultant had given this answer to our client's petty nonsense yesterday.
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Apr 21, 2016 22:21
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I enjoy engaging my co-workers in managerial nonsense chat to see how long we can keep it up. Lots of great phrases. Run this up the flag-pole Vector Roger Kick the tires You need to leverage yourself Onboarding Influx Bandwidth If I ever run out, I just dig through Outlook's junk folder and review emails from management to find more.
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Apr 21, 2016 22:42
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Maggie Fletcher posted:First time for me--though I hear (and use) bandwidth on a regular basis. Why do we do this to ourselves? What happened to tabling or shelving something (that was bad enough)--now it has to go all the way out into the parking lot? My personal theory is that some words or phrases start getting a negative connotation associated with them, so management jumps on any new jargon that means the same thing.
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Apr 21, 2016 22:50
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http://www.robietherobot.com/buzzword.htm
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Apr 21, 2016 23:35
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See PhD chat just makes me glad I got to finish up doing a bachelors and then realised "I hate listening to old people fight about wether it's magazines or books that caused the French revolution" so I got out!
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Apr 22, 2016 06:42
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I thought the French Revolution was caused by the royals not being in touch with the common man?
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Apr 22, 2016 06:54
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Every time I meet professors during office hours it amazes me how tiny it is. Some of them are even sharing tiny offices with another professor. You have a PhD and they stick you in these tiny little sweatboxes?
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Apr 22, 2016 07:12
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Tasteful Dickpic posted:I thought the French Revolution was caused by the royals not being in touch with the common man? Eh sort of, there are a whole lot of overlapping factors that lead into it. I just realised that I didn't want to hear academics arguing about pointless poo poo for the rest of my working life.
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Apr 22, 2016 07:31
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TotalLossBrain posted:I enjoy engaging my co-workers in managerial nonsense chat to see how long we can keep it up. I heard a good one today - "storydoing". As in, distinct from "storytelling". Aargh.
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Apr 22, 2016 09:06
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I will never get tired of referring to people as 'a resource' to remind me we live in a corporate dystopia. As in "We will need a resource for this meeting" instead of "We will need a programmer for this meeting."
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Apr 22, 2016 12:21
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MikeCrotch posted:I will never get tired of referring to people as 'a resource' to remind me we live in a corporate dystopia. As in "We will need a resource for this meeting" instead of "We will need a programmer for this meeting." Walmart calls them Assets. Asset Protection is also supposed to protect the employees but from my experience AP gives less than zero shits about their employees seeing as how I was ordered into an open top dumpster to push down scrap metal because the regional manager didn't "like how you can see the metal sticking out the top"
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Apr 22, 2016 12:48
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TotalLossBrain posted:
I do this to co-workers, except I look up lingo for MMOs they play. How's your DPS? What's your guild strat? How're the raids going? Have you finished it yet? Who is your tanks? They know I know nothing about MMOs so it's tricky to keep up a convincing act. I recommend it. MikeCrotch posted:I will never get tired of referring to people as 'a resource' to remind me we live in a corporate dystopia. As in "We will need a resource for this meeting" instead of "We will need a programmer for this meeting." This one is really upsetting. "I can't allocate resources for that job" - meaning me. I am the resource you refer to. I have a job title, division and, failing that, both a first and last name that you know, Mr. Manager.
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Apr 22, 2016 13:12
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Maggie Fletcher posted:Sorry to detract from Academia Chat, but I heard this gem yesterday: The god damned parking lot. Why does it have to be some kind of idiotic metaphor that a kindergarten teacher would use? Why can't you call it "List of poo poo to discuss in the near future"? TotalLossBrain posted:I enjoy engaging my co-workers in managerial nonsense chat to see how long we can keep it up. You forgot the best/worst one: "synergize"
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Apr 22, 2016 15:04
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I never hear synergize anymore. I bet because it's been made fun of so much.
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Apr 22, 2016 15:08
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TotalLossBrain posted:I enjoy engaging my co-workers in managerial nonsense chat to see how long we can keep it up. Are you sure they're you're co-workers and not "Team Members"?
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Apr 22, 2016 15:16
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Team workers is so pre-millenium paradigm talk. It's most efficient to adopt a forward facing radical approach in the creation of cohesive object oriented 'Tissues' of each member is a cell, and each department an organ, making up the grand disruptive lifeform that is the company. (and of which management is the appendix)
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Apr 22, 2016 15:26
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MikeCrotch posted:I will never get tired of referring to people as 'a resource' to remind me we live in a corporate dystopia. As in "We will need a resource for this meeting" instead of "We will need a programmer for this meeting." A former employer changed their "Human Resources" department to "Human Capital." This conjures images in my head of cattle standing in a line in the chute at a slaughterhouse. The only department with the word human in it is the only one completely devoid of anything resembling humanity.
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Apr 22, 2016 16:14
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Josef bugman posted:Eh sort of, there are a whole lot of overlapping factors that lead into it. I just realised that I didn't want to hear academics arguing about pointless poo poo for the rest of my working life. Same. That's why I quit theology studies after the bachelor's degree. After a while, academical arguments start sounding like the adults from Peanuts.
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Apr 22, 2016 16:21
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TotalLossBrain posted:I enjoy engaging my co-workers in managerial nonsense chat to see how long we can keep it up. Please do the needful and revert.
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Apr 22, 2016 16:23
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well why not posted:I do this to co-workers, except I look up lingo for MMOs they play. How's your DPS? What's your guild strat? How're the raids going? Have you finished it yet? Who is your tanks? Hah, I used to enjoy using the DFA screen on awkward customers when I worked in car rental. "Oh, you want a free upgrade/particular make of car? Let me check the DFA screen to see our availability" *clicks mouse a few times* "Sorry, we have nothing available right now." The DFA screen is the Does gently caress All screen. Can be used in virtually any job!
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Apr 22, 2016 16:25
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The Jargon talk makes me think of Neil Gaiman's "Anansi Boys" where the main character and his boss are both really awkward about ending conversations, so they regularly will sit and throw inter-office catchphrases at each other for like, the same length of time as the actual conversation. Stuff like "Keep that nose to the grindstone!" and "That's why we make the big bucks!" that are supposed to substitute "alright, see ya!"
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Apr 22, 2016 17:15
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The one I really hate is big retail chains like Target referring to customers as "guests". gently caress off, I'm paying money, I'm a customer. This pretense of hospitality in corporate retail, especially at Red Walmart, is just loving insulting.
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Apr 22, 2016 20:02
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garfield hentai posted:Trap sprung and all that but I don't think most (any) snobby metalheads would use Slipknot or Killswitch as examples of "real metal" As was said, these guys are dumb shits that don't know anything about actual music and buy metal based on how violent and brutal the album cover and song titles look. They'd look down on Mastadon but buy every Immortal album that comes out. Here's a good one "Everyone can learn to code, I don't know why so many people have trouble finding jobs". Because everyone has the same skills and coding is so simple.
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Apr 22, 2016 20:18
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twistedmentat posted:They'd look down on Mastadon but buy every Immortal album that comes out. I think you have that backwards, friend.
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Apr 22, 2016 21:01
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Every band is simultaneously the worst and the best.
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Apr 22, 2016 21:07
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Except the ones I like. They are exclusively the best. And bands I don't like are the worst. Fact.
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Apr 22, 2016 21:11
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I heard from more than one person that if you put your weed in an envelope in your car, the cops can't search it because that would be opening your mail.
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Apr 22, 2016 22:40
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radiatinglines posted:I heard from more than one person that if you put your weed in an envelope in your car, the cops can't search it because that would be opening your mail. Drug dog signal is PC, I'm pretty sure.
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Apr 22, 2016 23:00
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Boywhiz88 posted:Drug dog signal is PC, I'm pretty sure. I don't think they thought about it that hard, it was just a rumor or whatever you call it going around. As an aside drug dogs are only 50% accurate lol
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Apr 22, 2016 23:05
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BuddyChrist posted:A former employer changed their "Human Resources" department to "Human Capital." Human Resources sounds like you occasionally have to burn a person in order to power the steam engine beneath corporate headquarters. Human Capital is just loving horrifying.
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Apr 22, 2016 23:05
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radiatinglines posted:I don't think they thought about it that hard, it was just a rumor or whatever you call it going around. That's because drug dogs will signal whenever their handler wants them to signal.
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Apr 22, 2016 23:11
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Len posted:Walmart calls them Assets. Asset Protection is also supposed to protect the employees but from my experience AP gives less than zero shits about their employees seeing as how I was ordered into an open top dumpster to push down scrap metal because the regional manager didn't "like how you can see the metal sticking out the top" Assets in Walmart-speak only applies to the merchandise, that's why it's "asset protection" rather than "security." AP isn't supposed to protect the employees, that's "for management and cops to do". We weren't even supposed to investigate if something got stolen out of an employee car, because that's not what we were paid to do and because it didn't negatively affect Walmart's earnings. The entire job pertains to protecting Walmart's money. They even have a preferred quota of catches every month-- any business can legally punish a shoplifter with a bill, so that charge goes on top of whatever punishment they get for shoplifting. Usually each first-time lifter is charged $200-600, and since the merchandise would also have been recovered, that's pure free money for Walmart. My god I'm glad I got out of that shithole. E: editing for clarity. Scathach has a new favorite as of 23:24 on Apr 22, 2016 |
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Apr 22, 2016 23:11
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Human capital sounds like something the mob takes from you when you can't pay your protection money.
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Apr 22, 2016 23:16
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RareAcumen posted:Human capital sounds like something the mob takes from you when you can't pay your protection money. 5 years ago: Human Resources. Now: Human Capital. 5 years from now: Human Chattel. 10 years from now: Human Cattle.
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Apr 22, 2016 23:56
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Sic Semper Goon posted:5 years ago: Human Resources. 15 years: Organic Capital.
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Apr 22, 2016 23:57
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Post poste posted:15 years: Organic Capital. 20 years: Usable Proteins
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Apr 23, 2016 00:00
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38,000 years from now- Blood for the Blood God. Skulls for the Skull Throne.
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Apr 23, 2016 00:11
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Scathach posted:Assets in Walmart-speak only applies to the merchandise, that's why it's "asset protection" rather than "security." AP isn't supposed to protect the employees, that's "for management and cops to do". We weren't even supposed to investigate if something got stolen out of an employee car, because that's not what we were paid to do and because it didn't negatively affect Walmart's earnings. The entire job pertains to protecting Walmart's money. They even have a preferred quota of catches every month-- any business can legally punish a shoplifter with a bill, so that charge goes on top of whatever punishment they get for shoplifting. Usually each first-time lifter is charged $200-600, and since the merchandise would also have been recovered, that's pure free money for Walmart. My god I'm glad I got out of that shithole. That isn't the speech the ap woman gave us during the remodel she swore her job was to look out for us too and it was obvious she gave no shits because the concept of giving the outside team water during the 100 degree days was insane to her. There were perfectly good drinking fountains inside.
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Apr 23, 2016 00:17
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Josef bugman posted:Human Resources sounds like you occasionally have to burn a person in order to power the steam engine beneath corporate headquarters. Human Capital is just loving horrifying. 
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Apr 23, 2016 00:56
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I just started work in a design studio, and there are several people who use corporate jargon regularly. They're also obsessed with time and efficiency, but keep meticulous logs of everything. Working in the arts and being poor was supposed to be the price I payed not to have to deal with nonsense, dehumanizing workplaces.
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Apr 23, 2016 01:22
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