Jenny Agutter posted:

I feel like it was all posted in this thread but I can't find it. Is there any way to search within quotes in a post? Anyways heres the whole thing

beedeebee posted:

This is amazing.

Neddy Seagoon posted:

DNF isn't so much outright bad (although yes, it is a pretty big clunker) as it's just the unfortunate result of over a decade's development slapped together like a horrific collage made by a small child from the bits and pieces of who-knows-how-many different iterations the game went through over the years.

Schlonged Again posted:

god: i'm working on the greatest jobs president ever
angel: okay. sounds good
god: trying to make him all hosed up though. orange skin, bloated, weird hair that he'll never change
angel: ...why?
god: not just physically, though. narcissistic, loud, really dumb
angel: people are going to lose faith in you. i'm telling you. just make him a normal person
god: check out these tiny hands, lol

zoux posted:

A play in three acts.

https://twitter.com/Zac_Penton/status/738868491688644608

https://twitter.com/Zac_Penton/status/766855751570628608



https://twitter.com/abc15/status/767723858296238080

elise the great posted:

First things first: we actually do know what elves called their dicks, because even the glorious JRRT couldn't keep his hands out of his pants. The poetic term (yes, elves seem to have engaged in erotic poetry) would be gwî, but for everyday usage gwib was the preferred term. Puntl is provided as the coarse, moderately transgressive term, and likely what you would be invited to suck if you went down on a male elf. Alas, due to the ban on the Noldorin language, we have no surviving slang for Fëanor's johnson.

Second, if we assume that JRRT's intention is the guiding light for inferred details of the history and function of Arda, we are left with several clues as to the genital features of elves. In early drafts of the Silmarillion and pre-LotR writings that would eventually give rise to the War of the Ring, JRRT called them "gnomes" rather than "elves," a detail that reflects his internal monologue about them and is consistent with his para-LotR writings about them, including mutilations, betrayals, incest, genocide, colonial violence, and misotheistic rebellion. His mental image during the construction of Ardan history was almost certainly closer to the Rankin-Bass imagery than the Peter Jackson interpretation. Thus we are left to interpret the idea of gnomes-- a Paracelsean ideology tied closely to alchemy-- and of their Germanic and Norse equivalents, nature and household spirits that include classic Germanic dweorgs (that is, dwarves) but with the added qualification of tallness as a common indicator of worthiness.

I discern here between dwarf-figures of Greek and British mythology, which tend to be lusty, massively endowed pranksters, and gnomes/dweorgs, which are rarely cast in a sexual light. Some textual support could be interpreted for the influence of Pan on the elves, given that Silvan elves (and their Rivendell cousins) are singing, dancing, merry-making, traveler-harassing figures throughout the books. If we adhere to this interpretation, elves are probably packing huge veiny wangs that could put your loving eye out while you're trying to slip em the suck.

I feel that it is, however, more likely that JRRT would have viewed his elves as more romantic and less sexual. Certainly they reproduce at an exceedingly slow rate and for an incredibly small window of their adult lives. A Panic elf would be extremely unlikely to live for two thousand or more years and sire no more than three or four offspring. For this reason, we are most likely dealing with the less overt sexual characteristics of a Paracelsean elf, which rules out giant Priapus-style horse cocks that are eternally bone-ready, but leaves us with less to go on than we might need, if we're gonna pour a giant silicone elf dick.

Ah, but now we've alluded to reproductive evidence of elvish sexual activity, and down this road we find some very interesting possibilities. For one thing, the gnomes of Paracelsus were closely related to the concept of the homunculus, and tended to be sexless or at most secondary-masculine (think garden gnomes). We can assume, in combination with the romantic, Victorianistic leanings of JRRT, that male elves were not afflicted with unwanted boners, and found it fairly simple to reserve their sexual activity to intramarital intercourse. Additionally, in the extracurricular writing Laws and Customs of the Elves (LACE henceforth), we find some fascinating aspects of elvish sexuality laid bare. Elves are incapable, it seems, of adultery, which actually kills them. They are also heavily implied to be incapable of masturbation, and are explicitly hesitant to remarry after the death of a spouse, which carries over into the Silmarillion, when Fëanor's father seeks permission from the spirit of his mother (who has died in childbirth) to remarry. Clearly, something about their physiology and/or psychology is not compatible in any way with promiscuity, and the consequences of promiscuity can be literally fatal.

The lethality of sex can, I feel, be best comprehended as an immune function similar to rH incompatibility between mother and fetus. It would, from an evolutionary standpoint, benefit a male elf (ellyn) to be certain that his offspring are actually his own, since their gestation and childhood are protracted and may consume a great deal of resources. This may have resulted in a gradual evolutionary arms race, in which an ellyn might conjugate not only his genetic material but also a dose of antibodies and/or chimeric B-cells, which are keyed to attack all sperm without his specific antigen set. In return, the female elf (or elleth) might perhaps develop her own antibody/B-cell dosage, but this begs the question of how to confer them to the male, since transmission of microbes from vagina to penis is much less reliable than the inverse. I am getting a horrible idea and I will refer back to this concept in a moment.

So assuming that extramarital sex results in autoimmune-induced death similar to anaphylaxis in mechanism, we ask ourselves: what about the other compelling aspect of elvish sexuality, that of interbreeding with humans? Leaving out the question of DNA compatibility-- which is demonstrated in canon, and which we must accept as legitimate if we are to consider this topic at all-- we have a disturbing question to address. We have multiple incidents throughout the history of Beleriand and Middle-Earth of elven/human offspring, all of which occur between a Man and an elleth. Given that the two species are capable of creating not only hybrids but fertile hybrids (Elrond produced three offspring), it is foolish to imagine that in all of Ardan history there was never a potential ellyn-woman romance that resulted in offspring, unless there was something preventing reproduction between ellyn and woman that did not exist between man and elleth. The safest bet is not that all ellyn-woman romances remained chaste-- anyone who's met a teenager can tell you better than that-- but that ellyn-woman sexual activity is incapable of producing offspring.

This is extremely unusual, as the most obvious reason for sex-discriminant infertility is more likely to favor female humans than male humans. Human ova contain mitochondria, while human sperm consume their mitochondrial power for motility and do not confer mitochondrial DNA to their offspring. Either something is happening on an immune/cellular level, which would seem to conflict with our immunological theory of lethal adultery, or something is happening on the mechanical level-- something which is, perhaps, related to the transference of female immune material to the male partner.

Perhaps, to put it crudely, the ellyn just can't get it up.

In humans, the penis consists of several structures of erectile tissue which cradle the urethra between them. This specialized tissue is capable of interrupting venous return, creating penile engorgement and thus erection by trapping blood within the corpus cavernosum. This tissue is notoriously indiscriminant about stimuli, making it easy for male humans to ejaculate without even the participation of another human. Elves, on the other hand, can't even masturbate, an activity so universal among species with external genitalia that it's almost unimaginable for a species capable of poetry to be incapable of wanking. And yet human males can couple with elven females. This implies some weird-rear end poo poo, so I suggest you pour yourself that drink right now.

Male elves achieve erection by external constriction. To have sex, they need some biological equivalent of a cock ring. Whether their penises are "innies" or just flaccid except during intercourse, they are incapable of restricting venous return on their own... and yet the elven vulva must be compatible to some degree with penetration, or else man/elleth coupling wouldn't produce offspring. One may, if one is willing to consider extreme possibilities, entertain the idea that the elven vulva may exhibit some mechanical trait that assists the ellyn in achieving erection by constriction, by restricting venous return through strangulation.

Something that would not put off human males universally, although it might make man/elleth couplings more rare and account for the relative scarcity of elf/human offspring.

Something that would make it impossible for an ellyn to penetrate a woman, or to achieve orgasm and ejaculation with a human female.

Something that would even allow the ellyn to contribute internal disposition of antibodies and B-cells reliably, potentially through urethral penetration of the penis.

The elvish vulva, my friends, consists of outer labia, inner labia, a vaginal vestibule opening on a penetrable vaginal canal, and a set of tentacles.

In elven intercourse, the vulval tentacles constrict and penetrate the flaccid penis, simultaneously permitting/inducing erection and depositing immune bodies deep in the genitourinary tract, most likely the bladder, where they can swim up the ureters to the renal anastomosis and infiltrate the bloodstream. The erect elvish penis is then able to deposit its genetic-- and immune-- material within the vagina. Human females, having no corollary to these tentacles, can arouse a male elf and even engage in non-PIV sexual activity, but can never obtain genetic material from male elves, and therefore no ellyn/woman pregnancies occur.

For human females, this means you can have a hot elf boyfriend that can never get you pregnant, but he's likely to leave you eventually for somebody who can actually get him off. Male elves probably got the gently caress around in Middle-Earth, since they could chow down on human pussy for decades before settling down with a nice elleth who would get knocked up as soon as they exchanged fluids.

For human males, this means that you're totally capable of landing a hot lady elf, as long as you don't mind her tentacles crawling up your dick every time you shark her in the rear end while she's asleep, and as long as you don't mind that she can totally cheat on you and in fact might have chosen to gently caress you specifically because she can screw around behind your back without breaking out in a fatal case of hives.

Aragorn was one kinky-rear end fucker.

Chitin posted:

I can't believe I'm the first to post this very long, incredibly well-researched post about elf cocks.

Spanish Manlove posted:

Anybody have the "deconstrivist humor, when done well" post that was the FYAD title for a while?

Ableist Kinkshamer posted:

deconstructivist humour, while sometimes funny when done well, is intellectually lazy. it is a prime example of having your cake and eating it too, there's always another layer of irony to retreat to should someone not get the joke, or be offended by it. it is a method of inuring oneself to criticism: the criticism was anticipated and is part of the joke. the problem is that the nested insincerity of this form robs it of any real insight, it just becomes "i know how to annoy you". there's no social commentary because the nature of the medium prevents you from tipping your hand and expressing your beliefs beyond bland hatred. i think, ironically, the comedy arms race to be the most knowing blinds them to broader awareness, and indeed their self-awareness stops at the end of their noses.

Sham bam bamina! posted:

Sham bam bamina! posted:

Chitin posted:

I can't believe I'm the first to post this very long, incredibly well-researched post about elf cocks.

DudeGoofyGuy posted:

I was trying to find the origins of Microwave's mom in the SAclopedia, and it linked me to what I am pretty sure is the original DNF thread that nobody is able to find right now. It ends on page 469 despite listing a non-existent page 470. http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3131879&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=1

Bogan Krkic posted:

I've seen a lot more of those jokes on twitter also and I love them and wish someone would compile them all from every source

Thinky Whale posted:

MGTOW had to have been started by a woman who glued a mustache on, went to an MRA meeting, and said, "Hey, you know what would really show those bitches? Leaving them alone. Just going away and not bothering them ever."

Syd Midnight posted:

ObQuote:

Darth123123 posted:

The really sad thing is a person with some level of education and intellect actually wrote and proofread that to post. Ironic or not.

Darth123123 posted:

The really sad thing is a person with some level of education and intellect actually wrote and proofread that to post. Ironic or not.

mostlygray posted:

Back when I used to ride in Centuries all the time and was riding about 125 miles a week, I was always put to shame by the guy wearing jeans and a yellow rain coat. He would have a milk crate full of groceries bungied to his front handlebars on his comfort bike. He would ride on flat pedals with his heels instead of toes. I'd be completely blown, and he'd be happy as a pig in poo poo just crancking his way up and down the rollers. He's always about 300 lbs too. This dude is riding a Century like it's his daily commute.

This isn't one specific guy either, every single Century I've been in has had that guy. It really emasculates a fellow.

TotalLossBrain posted:

What was his typical time?

mostlygray posted:

Whatever is faster than you are. Remember, this is a ridiculous person that participates in all such events. All that matters is that this ghost is always faster than you are, no matter how hard you push it or train, he always beats you to the next stop. You could be riding into a 40 mph headwind in the rain, or with the wind at your back and the sun at your face. Either way, he's always just ahead of you and looks like he's have the best day of his life with his stupid goddamn milk crate on the front of his bike.

Meanwhile, you're vomiting into a trash can from pushing so hard. gently caress guys that ride comfort bikes on their heels while wearing a raincoat. Who wears a raincoat on a hot day? Somehow, they always wear one. Why do they have a milk crate? What goes in it? You pass them going 10-20 mph faster than they are, yet somehow they overtake you. These goblins make no sense.

Darth123123 posted:

The really sad thing is a person with some level of education and intellect actually wrote and proofread that to post. Ironic or not.

Akett posted:

Sometimes you just can't stop reading about elf dick.

atomicthumbs posted:

Don't forget: elf tentacle sounding pussy, too.

Pesticide20 posted:

A modern remake of Koyaanisqatsi would feature a lot of Phoenix footage

Mr. 47 posted:

Apologies if it's already been posted, but this is relevant: Rainfurrest 2015, Seattle

It's all kinds of and and . The only convention that makes Dashcon look successful by comparison.

univbee posted:

Did they give everyone an extra hour in the pit bull?

Rhymenoserous posted:

Yearrrrgh. That's awful choice.

flakeloaf posted:

If a rug burn is from the rug and a sunburn is from the sun then

oh no

SynthOrange posted:

Xinder posted:

"My Spider-sense that warns me about danger is going crazy. Better not get on guard from sneak attacks or anything that usually come after it goes off."

Pureauthor posted:

Man, newspaper Spideman is just terrible at everything.

Lurdiak posted:

Reminder that when he heard Sabertooth was after him, his reaction was to move to a different city.

Xinder posted:

Now remind me why am I not reading this every day?

SynthOrange posted:

You are as terrible at life as newspaper Spider-Man?

Dear Prudence posted:

Someone once did a post about how the loners that all band together are too accepting of creepy behavior or poor hygiene because they don't want to shame people like the "bullies" that rejected them in the first place that made them band together. It was a pretty good explanation of how toxic those loner groups are because they co-dependantly reassure each other. Anyone know of or have that quote?

Red Bones posted:

I think a lot of the people who do "chubby angry British guy" shtick come from slightly shittier parts of the country that were also the source of working class carnival workers, as opposed to like, posh dudes who read the news on the BBC, or farmers. That isn't to say that people from wealthier parts of England can't go on to become angry fat people on youtube, it's something anyone on this fair isle can aspire to be.

QUEEN CAUCUS posted:

Mercy is basically a fanfiction character written by herself

'I'm a beautiful 17 year old girl with bright blue eyes who is was a med student grad at age 11 and now I'm a master neurosurgeon and leader of an entire hospital. I hate wars and killing and I've tried to tell Overwatch to STEP OFF but they just won't leave me alone!! And as a master machinist and armorist I have made my very own valkyrie battle suit (I HATE WARS THOUGH) to show them all that I can be their angel...or their devil.'

My Lovely Horse posted:

Ball mouse, but also USB. The combination of that is even weirder on my private timeline.

The problem has now been resolved through IT sitting next door and not locking up their peripherals.

e: the new one came with a PS/2 adapter. I'm considering putting that on the old one to restore balance.

Ryoshi posted:

I BOUGHT A BAD TV ONCE THIS MEANS WAL MART IS BAD

I AM DUMB ENOUGH THAT I BOUGHT A BAD TV AGAIN, LIKE A MORON, AND IT WAS SLIGHTLY BETTER DUE TO THE INEXORABLE MARCH OF TECHNOLOGY, THIS MEANS COST CO IS GOOD AND I AM SMART

Strudel Man posted:

http://www.plausiblydeniable.com/opinion/gsf.html

Jose posted:

must be cool experiencing a natural disaster like a hurricane or earthquake. i live in england where none of these things happen

Chichevache posted:

All your disasters have term limits.

pentyne posted:

Printed in 2003, pretty much completely 100% explains the rise of bronies in the terms of weird as gently caress social outcasts who completely adapt to a subculture that was conceived and designed for the same 4-12 female audience that it had been for the previous 7 iterations.

Strudel Man posted:

I can't really agree. The article, or whatever you want to call it, is about why certain existing (small, usually in-person) social groups fail to kick out bizarre weirdos, not about the emergence of new, largely internet-based social groups composed entirely of bizarre weirdos.