How do you clean your ass?

The Something Awful Forums > Main > General Bullshit > How do you clean your ass?

Burnt Dick: May 3, 2018

I'm working in Italy and it seems bidets are the way to go here. But they worry me because at least in hotels, the thought of having a water nozzle near me that has been in close proximity with other people's assholes is a real put off. Plus, what if you slip? Has anyone ended up with fire brigade/ambulance called for a tap penetration? Shudder. Also, at least on the ones here you can set the temperature with a mixer, what if the water pressure changes and you get 2nd degree burns on your taint?

I'm not seeing any positives, I'll stick with my caveman TP. At least they have it as an option here, although it ran out once and rather than get a look of disgust from the maid I just used facial tissues.

# ? Jul 11, 2018 17:09

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 08:57

friendbot2000: May 1, 2011

I clean it with a power washer. It really gets the algae and mold off.

# ? Jul 11, 2018 17:12

Kuato: Feb 25, 2005; "I CAN'T BELIEVE I ATE THE WHOLE THING"; Buglord

I didn�t realize we was supposed to clean it? :confused:

# ? Jul 11, 2018 17:14

butt dickus: Jul 7, 2007; top ten juiced up coaches
and the top ten juiced up players

# ? Jul 11, 2018 17:19

A ILL BREAKFAST: Jun 9, 2007; *unsheathes katana*

take a trip down to the italian equivalent of the spca and get yourself a dog. then, with some carefully placed peanut butter,

# ? Jul 11, 2018 17:21

BigBadSteve: Apr 29, 2009

Burnt Dick posted:

I'm working in Italy and it seems bidets are the way to go here. But they worry me because at least in hotels, the thought of having a water nozzle near me that has been in close proximity with other people's assholes is a real put off...

Don't be so lazy. Lick each bidet nozzle clean before first use.

# ? Jul 11, 2018 17:24

DeadFatDuckFat: Oct 29, 2012; This avatar brought to you by the 'save our dead gay forums' foundation.

TP but i use my LEFT hand

# ? Jul 11, 2018 17:26

Chumbawumba4ever97: Dec 31, 2000; by Fluffdaddy

Very carefully

# ? Jul 11, 2018 17:27

Cry Havoc: May 10, 2004; This cyberpunk cartoon avatar is pretty dang ol' good, I tell you what.

A ILL BREAKFAST posted:

take a trip down to the italian equivalent of the spca and get yourself a dog. then, with some carefully placed peanut butter,

he�s asking how to clean his rear end not his dick

# ? Jul 11, 2018 17:27

Brother Tadger: Feb 15, 2012; I'm accidentally a suicide bomber!

Pull my buttcheeks apart, rub some soap in there until it's good and lathered, then let the warm water run over my anus. I'm not gay, but the warm water on my anus does make me wuestion it sometimes :feelsgood:

E. Oh, he meant on the toilet. Embrace the spigot, buddy. Way better than what I had to do when I lived in India (basically, use a ladle to pour water down my asscrack).

# ? Jul 11, 2018 17:48

Verisimilidude: Dec 20, 2006; Strike quick and hurry at him,
not caring to hit or miss.
So that you dishonor him before the judges

we have a bidet in our apartment and I hate that loving thing

it shoots way too powerful, has no variable for strength, is connected to the bathroom sink so there's this big ugly metal tube coming out of the faucet, and what are you supposed to do when you have a wet rear end exactly? use toilet paper that disintegrates on contact to dry yourself? use a hand towel?

just use toilet paper you perverts

# ? Jul 11, 2018 17:49

Burnt Dick: May 3, 2018

Verisimilidude posted:

we have a bidet in our apartment and I hate that loving thing

it shoots way too powerful, has no variable for strength, is connected to the bathroom sink so there's this big ugly metal tube coming out of the faucet, and what are you supposed to do when you have a wet rear end exactly? use toilet paper that disintegrates on contact to dry yourself? use a hand towel?

just use toilet paper you perverts

Oh yeah I forgot about that as well, hanging above the bidet is a towel I assume for drying afterwards. I don't care how well you wash that towel, I'm not touching it

# ? Jul 11, 2018 17:51

ContraBoss: Dec 6, 2005; Well *I* only read the New Yorker and eat Fancy Feast.

Keep em in your car or keep one in your pocket.

...or go ahead and laugh at me you ol' shitasses :c00lbutt:

# ? Jul 11, 2018 17:58

The Science of Suck: Mar 17, 2009

i pay it forward by cleaning some ones rear end first

# ? Jul 11, 2018 17:59

Sponge Baathist: Jan 30, 2010; by FactsAreUseless

Sparingly

# ? Jul 11, 2018 17:59

onedayholiday: Dec 6, 2013; Grimey Drawer

not wealthy enough for a bidet so I fill my bathtub and powerbomb into it holding my buttocks open

# ? Jul 11, 2018 18:04

FlimFlam Imam: Mar 1, 2007; Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams

I just wait for the frothy santorum to dry and then simply peel it away.

# ? Jul 11, 2018 18:07

bradzilla: Oct 15, 2004

Public bidets do sound kinda gross op, but you also plop your gross rear end down on the seat where 100 other gross asses have been, assuming public toilets. I mean the only way a bidet is worse is in the unlikely event that someone's poop is caked right on the bidet nozzle.

That said, I have a bidet on my home toilet and blast away til it's all clean. And I scrub il my filthy shithole in the shower every day.

# ? Jul 11, 2018 18:07

myDad: Jan 20, 2010; ce n'est pas ma m�re; College Slice

that's the maid's job

# ? Jul 11, 2018 18:17

Nutsngum: Oct 9, 2004; I don't think it's nice, you laughing.

A carefully chosen array of varying grit whetstones adorned my bathroom floor. Simply dragging my buttocks across them hones my sphincter to a mirror polish.

# ? Jul 11, 2018 18:17

SuperiorColliculus: Oct 31, 2011

In the immortal words of the Beastie Boys

"If you wash your rear end, you best use soap"

# ? Jul 11, 2018 18:18

Sophy Wackles: Dec 17, 2000; > access main security grid
access: PERMISSION DENIED.

Someday I'm going to get a Japanese toilet and treat my rear end right.

# ? Jul 11, 2018 18:19

Iron Crowned: May 6, 2003; by Hand Knit

I wash my rear end with a rag on a stick.

# ? Jul 11, 2018 18:29

yogizh: Oct 12, 2015; Dumb Helicopter Joke Enthusiast

also hydrochloric acid while listening to Busta Rhymes - Light Your rear end on Fire

# ? Jul 11, 2018 18:34

FlimFlam Imam: Mar 1, 2007; Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams

Iron Crowned posted:

I wash my rear end with a rag on a stick.

Just use a stick, no need for a rag. It's more fun that way.

# ? Jul 11, 2018 18:35

Beefeater: May 17, 2003; I'm hungry.; Hair Elf

FlimFlam Imam posted:

Just use a stick, no need for a rag. It's more fun that way.

I too enjoy removing splinters from my anus.

# ? Jul 11, 2018 18:37

fatal oopsie-daisy: Jul 30, 2007; by R. Guyovich

with your wife's tongue

# ? Jul 11, 2018 18:43

Myron Baloney: Mar 19, 2002; Emitting dimensions are swallowing you

Well, they call it a garden hose, but I've found they can be used anywhere they reach.

# ? Jul 11, 2018 18:47

Hometown Slime Queen: Oct 26, 2004; the GOAT

Hehehe, with a pressure wa-

friendbot2000 posted:

I clean it with a power washer. It really gets the algae and mold off.

God damnit

# ? Jul 11, 2018 18:47

TheToxicEuphoria: Feb 26, 2008

I wait till a sunny day then just use a magnifying glass to focus a beam of light into my bum.

# ? Jul 11, 2018 18:52

ContraBoss: Dec 6, 2005; Well *I* only read the New Yorker and eat Fancy Feast.

seriously though just lol if you don't use banana leaves like nature intended

# ? Jul 11, 2018 18:52

big nipples big life: May 12, 2014

# ? Jul 11, 2018 18:59

A Fancy Hat: Nov 18, 2016; Always remember that the former President was dumber than the dumbest person you've ever met by a wide margin

Cannonball into the pool, making sure to spread my buttcheeks as much as possible on impact.

Then I just sit on the garden hose for a bit, followed by a trip to Mr. Air Compressor to dry off.

# ? Jul 11, 2018 19:00