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Vastarien posted:whichever one supposedly ordered saint valentine's head to be chopped off. That would be Claudius ii or Claudius Gothicus but honestly the whole story is probably just Christian bullshit meant to aggrandize their dumb saints into being important.
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Feb 6, 2019 01:15
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Any knowledgeable history goons out there that can tell me about the real Little Ceasar? I'm convinced he's real but Big Pizza keeps burying my findings/inappropriate Wikipedia edits.
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Feb 6, 2019 01:16
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If we're going with Emperor anecdotes/adjacents, mine is Vedius Pollio and/or Augustus. He had a private pool full of lampreys and moray eels that he would throw people into when they pissed them off so they'd get eaten alive. One time Augustus had an audience with him, and a slave hosed up and broke one of Pollio's favorite cups. Augustus refused to let Pollio throw him into the fish tank, spared the slave, then ordered all the rest of his cups to be brought and smashed in front of him out of spite. Also, nobody liked him. http://penelope.uchicago.edu/~grout/encyclopaedia_romana/wine/pollio.html posted:"This same year Vedius Pollio died, a man who in general had done nothing deserving of remembrance, as he was sprung from freedmen, belonged to the knights, and had performed no brilliant deeds; but he had become very famous for his wealth and for his cruelty, so that he has even gained a place in history. Most of the things he did it would be wearisome to relate, but I may mention that he kept in reservoirs huge lampreys that had been trained to eat men, and he was accustomed to throw to them such of his slaves as he desired to put to death.  
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Feb 6, 2019 01:17
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Gimme all his fuckin cups I’m tired of this rear end in a top hat lmao
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Feb 6, 2019 01:21
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Yeah that owns pretty godamned hard. I want to believe he just stared across the table silently while each cup got smashed, smirking.
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Feb 6, 2019 01:21
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got a new thing here. My favorite Roman god is Mars. He likes to get drunk
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Feb 6, 2019 01:25
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Honky Dong Country posted:Yeah that owns pretty godamned hard. I want to believe he just stared across the table silently while each cup got smashed, smirking. 
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Feb 6, 2019 01:29
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a hero
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Feb 6, 2019 01:31
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Mumpy Puffinz posted:got a new thing here. My favorite Roman god is Mars. He likes to get drunk My favorite Roman God is Elagabal.
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Feb 6, 2019 01:31
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HugeGrossBurrito posted:please tell the class what you know about Elagabalus or as his friends called him "The gobbler" He tried to replace Jupiter with sun worship and married a Vestal Virgin. He also publicly prostituted himself in taverns.
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Feb 6, 2019 01:34
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Dmitri-9 posted:He tried to replace Jupiter with sun worship and married a Vestal Virgin. He also publicly prostituted himself in taverns. I am very strong.
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Feb 6, 2019 01:38
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Dmitri-9 posted:He tried to replace Jupiter with sun worship and married a Vestal Virgin. He also publicly prostituted himself in taverns. He also commissioned this statue for himself. 
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Feb 6, 2019 01:39
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Emperor Babydick
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Feb 6, 2019 01:44
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HugeGrossBurrito posted:He also commissioned this statue for himself. No way in gently caress any man in history commissioned a statue of himself with such a comically tiny dingdong
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Feb 6, 2019 01:45
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Hell yeah. 
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Feb 6, 2019 01:45
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HugeGrossBurrito posted:He also commissioned this statue for himself. so he was greek?
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Feb 6, 2019 01:45
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fakeaccount posted:No way in gently caress any man in history commissioned a statue of himself with such a comically tiny dingdong I'm the absolutely shameful dick/balls ratio. I'm also his inability to urinate without pissing on he own balls. I'm a lot of things.
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Feb 6, 2019 01:47
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 Claudius survived the murderous purges of his insane idiot nephew Caligula because everyone thought he was a retarded old cripple of no importance. Unlike many emperors who were delusional and overconfident, Claudius was extremely aware of how fragile his position was. He carefully outmaneuvered political opponents while giving a generous fund to the praetorian guard to secure their genuine loyalty. He was a serious historian and wrote a 20 volume history of the Etrsucans, which was destroyed, because of course it was. In the end he was killed by his own wife(probably) and succeeded by his insane idiot son Nero.
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Feb 6, 2019 01:47
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Biggus Chungus
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Feb 6, 2019 01:47
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Nah back then it was good to have a tiny dick and huge balls
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Feb 6, 2019 01:47
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HugeGrossBurrito posted:Nah back then it was good to have a tiny dick and huge balls Emperor Minimus Dickus Hilarius
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Feb 6, 2019 01:49
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fakeaccount posted:No way in gently caress any man in history commissioned a statue of himself with such a comically tiny dingdong And not only was it considered such a good statue that it was made but his successor put his face on it after he killed him lol
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Feb 6, 2019 01:49
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Anybody got some good crazy Christian stuff from the later empire?
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Feb 6, 2019 01:50
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Clawtopsy posted:nero Stark Fist posted:Nero, the Charlie Daniels of Rome VikingSkull posted:definitely Nero 
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Feb 6, 2019 01:51
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HugeGrossBurrito posted:And not only was it considered such a good statue that it was made but his successor put his face on it after he killed him lol "Behold my tiny genitals and weep, lowly plebs."
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Feb 6, 2019 01:51
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Roman Reigns.
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Feb 6, 2019 01:52
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Look upon my dick, ye mighty...no seriously give me Honky Dong Country fucked around with this message at 01:57 on Feb 6, 2019 |
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Feb 6, 2019 01:53
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Literally A Person posted:"Behold my tiny genitals and weep, lowly plebs." ok, I will.
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Feb 6, 2019 01:55
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Diocletian by a long shot. Voluntarily abdicating to go tend to your cabbages after writing the first governmental budget and actually trying to fix the economy beyond "debase the coins more???" makes him the best of the best.
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Feb 6, 2019 01:57
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Aurelian also gets mad ups for fixing the crisis is the third century through like, sheer force of will.
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Feb 6, 2019 02:01
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Arrhythmia posted:Diocletian by a long shot. Voluntarily abdicating to go tend to your cabbages after writing the first governmental budget and actually trying to fix the economy beyond "debase the coins more???" makes him the best of the best. yeah but are you sure we shouldn't debase the coins more? he was pretty cool we know what poo poo cost back then because of him, the takeaway here being that Egyptian beer was the Natural Light of its day. Denarii I. Wheat 1 army modius a 100 Barley 1 army modius 60 Rye 1 army modius 60 Millet, ground 1 army modius 100 Millet, whole 1 army modius 50 Panic grass 1 army modius 50 Spelt, hulled 1 army modius 100 . . . . . . . . Beans, crushed 1 army modius 100 Beans, not ground 1 army modius 60 Lentils 1 army modius 100 Pulse 1 army modius 80 Peas, split 1 army modius 100 Peas, not split 1 army modius 60 . . . . . . . . Rice, cleaned 1 army modius 200 Barley grits, cleaned 1 modius 100 Spelt grits, cleaned 1 modius 200 Sesame 1 army modius 200 . . . . . . . . II. Likewise, for wines: Picene 1 Italian sextarius 30 Tiburtine 1 Italian sextarius 30 Sabine 1 Italian sextarius 30 . . . . . . . . Falernian 1 Italian sextarius 30 Aged wine, first quality 1 Italian sextarius 24 Aged wine, second quality 1 Italian sextarius 16 Ordinary 1 Italian sextarius 8 Beer, Gallic or Pannonian 1 Italian sextarius 4 Beer, Egyptian 1 Italian sextarius 2 . . . . . . . . III. Likewise, for oil: From unripe olives 1 Italian sextarius 40 Second quality 1 Italian sextarius 24 Salt 1 army modius 100 Spiced salt 1 Italian sextarius 8 Honey, best quality 1 Italian sextarius 40 Honey, second quality 1 Italian sextarius 24 . . . . . . . . IV. Likewise, for meat: Pork 1 Italian pound 12 Beef 1 Italian pound 8 . . . . . . . . Leg of pork, Menapic or Cerritane, best 1 Italian pound 20 Pork mincemeat 1 ounce 2 Beef mincemeat 1 Italian pound 10 Pheasant, fattened 250 Pheasant, wild 125 . . . . . . . . Chickens 1 brace 60 . . . . . . . . Venison 1 Italian pound 12 . . . . . . . . Butter 1 Italian pound 16 . . . . . . . . V. Likewise, for fish: Sea fish with rough scales 1 Italian pound 24 Fish, second quality 1 Italian pound 16 River fish, best quality 1 Italian pound 12 River fish, second quality 1 Italian pound 8 Salt fish 1 Italian pound 6 Oysters 100 100 . . . . . . . . VII. For wages: Farm laborer, with maintenance (daily) 25 . . . . . . . . Carpenter, as above (daily) 50 . . . . . . . . Wall painter, as above (daily) 75 Picture painter, as above (daily) 150 . . . . . . . . Baker, as above (daily) 50 Shipwright working on a seagoing ship, as above (daily) 60 Shipwright working on a river boat, as above (daily) 50 . . . . . . . . Muleteer, with maintenance (daily) 25 Veterinary, for clipping and preparing hoofs (per animal) 6 Veterinary, for bleeding and cleaning the head (per animal) 20 Barber (per man) 2 . . . . . . . . Sewer cleaner, working a full day, with maintenance (daily) 25 . . . . . . . . Scribe, for the best writing (per 100 lines) 25 Scribe, for second-quality writing (per 100 lines) 20 Notary, for writing a petition or legal document (per 100 lines) 10 . . . . . . . . Elementary teacher per boy (monthly) 50 Teacher of arithmetic, per boy (monthly) 75 Teacher of shorthand, per boy (monthly) 75 . . . . . . . . Teacher of Greek or Latin language and literature, and teacher of geometry, per pupil (monthly) 200 Teacher of rhetoric or public speaking, per pupil (monthly) 250 Advocate or jurist, fee for a complaint 250 Advocate or jurist, fee for pleading 1000 Teacher of architecture, per boy (monthly) 100 Check room attendant, per bather 2
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Feb 6, 2019 02:02
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fakeaccount posted:No way in gently caress any man in history commissioned a statue of himself with such a comically tiny dingdong I like to imagine the original statue was him with an elephant trunk schlong but after he got assassinated the new guy ordered the statue to be demolished and a new one to be made exactly the same but with a tiny dick.
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Feb 6, 2019 02:03
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EorayMel posted:I like to imagine the original statue was him with an elephant trunk schlong but after he got assassinated the new guy ordered the statue to be demolished and a new one to be made exactly the same but with a tiny dick. Lol "For my first act as emperor, I order that all statue dicks be made smaller than mine." *A sculptor nearby looks at his set of chisels and begins sweating and tugging his toga away from his neck*
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Feb 6, 2019 02:05
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 nero obviously, was such a crazy bastard burning poo poo that he invented writeable cds so that he could save all the BMPs he had of his enemies being owned
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Feb 6, 2019 02:06
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Honky Dong Country posted:Lol lol
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Feb 6, 2019 02:07
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HugeGrossBurrito posted:He also commissioned this statue for himself. Clearly, they had much more progressive attitudes about penis size in those days. 
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Feb 6, 2019 02:11
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Kuato posted:Clearly, they had much more progressive attitudes about penis size in those days. -excerpt from On the Reign of Emperor Elliotus Rogerus, Volume I
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Feb 6, 2019 02:14
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Caracalla (Marcus Aurelius Severus Antoninus Augustus) because he looks so grumpy in his portraiture. Julian the Apostate (Flavius Claudius Iulianus Augustus) the last pagan emperor of Rome
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Feb 6, 2019 02:15
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I think it’s fairly obvious
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Feb 6, 2019 02:16
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For everyone who is laughing at Elagabalus tiny dick: that is almost one hundred percent on purpose. The Gobbler had some ideas about his gender and would probably be considered trans in this day and age.
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Feb 6, 2019 02:17
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