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Give me something to trigger the conservative boomer  It can be lengthy too, not just one-liners
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Oct 25, 2020 18:05
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 10:46 |
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Q How many cops to screw in a light bulb? A Four. One to change the bulb and three to beat the room for being dark.
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Oct 25, 2020 18:08
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A murder, a spousal abuser, and a klansman walk into a bar. The bartender turns around and says "What can I get you, officer?".
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Oct 25, 2020 18:12
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Where do you take a one-legged woman out for dinner? IHOP
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Oct 25, 2020 18:17
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You have to? Sounds like a lovely place to work.
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Oct 25, 2020 18:24
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The National Debt. How About these Clowns in Washington? I tell ya what, these jokers have no clue!
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Oct 25, 2020 18:28
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Knock, Knock Who's There? I'm the daughter of the great French writer, Honore de Balzac Who? Ligma Balzac
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Oct 25, 2020 18:31
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A very rich old man is on his deathbed and is going to die soon, so he calls in his three sons. He gives them each a duck and tells them that the one who gets the most for his duck will be given everything the old man owns. The first son goes out, and when he comes back he says, "Father! Father! I got $10 for my duck!" His father says, "That is very good let's see how your other brothers do." About a day later the second brother comes home and he says, "Father! Father! I got $15 for my duck." The old man replies, "So far you have done the best, but let's wait and see what your little brother does." While the last brother was looking for someone to buy his duck, he happened to pass by a bar. When he got into the bar he saw the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen before, so he told her, "I'll give you this duck for a gently caress." She replied, "Ok." When the boy got home to his father, his father was so furious that he yelled, "You get your rear end back in that bar and get that duck back!" So the boy returned to the bar and found the same girl and told her his tale. He then said, "I'll give you a gently caress for that duck." She agreed and while they were loving the duck flew out the window and got hit by a truck. The truck driver was so sorry about what had happened that he offered to pay for the duck. The boy then replied, "$20 would do nicely." "No problem," said the driver. When the boy got home he was beaming with pride. He shouted, "I won! I won! I got a gently caress for a duck a duck for a gently caress and twenty bucks for a hosed up duck."
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Oct 25, 2020 18:33
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Setup by discussing how the company is doing financially. Then compare it to how benefits and bonuses and salaries are growing. But in a funny way.
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Oct 25, 2020 18:37
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A family man stands on his front lawn, waiting for his paper. He admires the hard work he put into his lawn, the great job his son did mowing it, and the white rose bushes his wife planted. The paperboy rounds the corner and throws his paper, but the throw is short, landing just beyond the curb. The man shouts at the paperboy to do better, but the boy bikes away too quickly to hear. The next day, same thing. The paper is thrown wide of his lawn and lands on the neighbor's lawn. The man shouts again, but this time sees the earbuds in the paperboys ears. He can't hear the man shouting at him. On the third day, the family man is ready. He hides behind his wife's rose bushes in wait. As the paperboy approaches, the man leaps out onto the curb, surprising the boy. The boy skids to a halt, but a moment too late. His front tire grazes the man, and for that the man shoots the boy in his chest, and afterwards calls the police. Because the boy is black, and because of stand your ground laws, the family man is not punished. The next day he waits for the new paperboy to do better. There is no joke here.
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Oct 25, 2020 18:44
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sure okay posted:
How about Breaking news;paper boy meets not so rosy ending. Cycle of violence continues.
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Oct 25, 2020 19:04
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phasmid posted:Q How many cops to screw in a light bulb? Q how many good cops does it take to change a lightbulb? A we'll let you know as soon as a good cop changes anything
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Oct 25, 2020 19:21
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food court bailiff posted:Q how many good cops does it take to change a lightbulb? hahaha
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Oct 25, 2020 19:34
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the best version of that joke is different and you told it badly anyways
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Oct 25, 2020 19:46
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LittleFuryThings posted:Give me something to trigger the conservative boomer tell the pollack joke from raising arizona (in the same way) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaZnbS0BynM
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Oct 25, 2020 19:48
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*lift leg* *rip 14 second long fart while making direct eye contact with coworker*
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Oct 25, 2020 20:02
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Make sure to follow it up with a “ok boomer” to show how hip you are
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Oct 25, 2020 20:06
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dee eight posted:the best version of that joke is different and you told it badly anyways This is pretty funny. Thank you for the laugh.
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Oct 25, 2020 20:07
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A farmer has 3 daughters going on separate dates on the same night. However, the farmer is concerned for them, so he waits at the door with his shotgun, judging each man as he arrives. The first man comes up to the door, knocks and introduces himself to the farmer: "Hi, my name is Eddy. I'm here for Betty. We are going to get some spaghetti. Is she ready?" The farmer thinks the first man is good, and lets his first daughter go out on the date. Then the farmer waits for the second man to come to the door, and the second man says: "Yo, I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Can we go?" The farmer things the second man is also good, and lets his second daughter go out on the date. But then the third man arrives at the door, and says to the farmer: "Hello, my name is Chuck." And then the farmer shot the third man.
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Oct 25, 2020 20:11
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Q. How do we know Jesus was black? A. They nailed him to the cross instead of sentencing him to community service.
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Oct 25, 2020 20:13
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mudskipp posted:How about Lol
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Oct 25, 2020 21:17
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What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
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Oct 25, 2020 21:55
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So FDR walks into a bar...
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Oct 25, 2020 22:04
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One day, Ivanka wanted to go to a party, so she went to her father, Donald Trump, and said, “Daddy, can I please go to the party?” Donald Trump thinks for a moment and says, “Okay... I’ll let you go to the party, but first you have to suck my dick!” Ivanka says, “Fine!” and gets on her knees. Donald Trump whips out his toadstool dick and Ivanka starts sucking, but after a few seconds she recoils and says, “Daddy! Your dick tastes like poo poo!” Donald Trump laughs and says, “That’s because your brother, Don Jr., wanted to go to the same party!”
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Oct 25, 2020 22:09
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How many liberals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Who knows? They’re still crying about the power being off.
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Oct 25, 2020 22:36
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AND THEY CALLED IT... THE ARISTOCRATS!
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Oct 25, 2020 23:05
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What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never had a lentil on my face.
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Oct 25, 2020 23:49
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"What needs to be fired 12 times before you guys understand" I'm trying to mix the twin humours of people losing their job and people losing their lives but I just can't get the wording right.
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Oct 25, 2020 23:59
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“Who’s a dumb piece of poo poo who won’t put on a loving mask?” *point both thumbs at them*
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Oct 26, 2020 00:10
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LizzieBorden posted:What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? look 6 posts up. also you hosed it up
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Oct 26, 2020 00:17
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How are the police like a box of chocolates? They'll kill your dog
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Oct 26, 2020 00:33
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thunderdome winner
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Why did the dead baby cross the road? because it was stapled to the chicken! That joke got me a job 
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Oct 26, 2020 00:36
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Did you hear about the old man who got arrested at the craft store for dipping his testicles in glitter? Yeah it was pretty nuts.
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Oct 26, 2020 00:46
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Before we start I have to explain why the ethnicities mentioned in this joke are actually inferior and I'm not just pretending for the sake of the joke...
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Oct 26, 2020 01:09
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If you think I'm bombing now just wait 'till 5...4...3...2...
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Oct 26, 2020 01:22
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You: Knock Knock Them: Who's there? Then just walk away, go to your car and sit in it all day until you see them in the car park/on the street, drive toward them at full speed and just be for you hit them lean out the window... You: ME!!
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Oct 26, 2020 02:24
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Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the first whale turns to the other and says *make whale sounds until its funny* *continue to make whale sounds until its not funny anymore* *continue to make whale sounds until it becomes funny again* The second whale turns to the first whale and says, "Dude, you are so high right now."
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Oct 26, 2020 02:51
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Donald Trump is walking into the woods with a 7-year-old child. The child turns to Trump and says, “I’m scared.” Donald Trump replies to the child, “You think you’re scared? I have to walk back alone!”
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Oct 26, 2020 02:54
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I'm a big fan of shaggy dog jokes that are told for enjoyment of the speaker. "So I was traveling for work to New Bedford last year, and I stopped in to this wharfside bar for a drink and while I'm enjoying my drink, I notice what looks to be a straight-up pirate. He's got a hook hand, an eyepatch, a peg leg, the whole nine yards. I figure, I gotta talk to this guy, so I strike up a conversation and buy him a drink. We're talking and my curiosity gets the better of me and I say 'I gotta ask, what happened to your leg?" 'Yar, he says, 'tis a sad story... *tell the most involved pirate ship battle story you can where just as he's about take the enemy ship, they fire one last cannon* ...and that cannonball took me leg off at the knee, so now I have this peg-leg.' 'Wow, that's an amazing story,' I think. So we keep drinking and we keep talking, and I'm still so curious so I ask him. 'What happened to your hand?' 'Yar tis an even sadder story. Five years to the day of losing me leg, I finally found the scurvy dog who took me leg, and... *tell the most involved story of a boarding action that you can, the sights, the sounds the smell of blood and gunpowder, culminating in an epic swordfight on the smoldering wrecks of the two ships. Just as he's about to take his revenge he saw the man's rapier flash and took his hand off at the wrist...'so now I have this hook." Again, it's a loving amazing story. So keep drinking and I finally have to ask. What happened to your eye? 'Yar,' he says, 'tis the saddest story of all. Twas a year after I floated back to Tortuga and I'd fought me way into a new ship, a new crew and a burning desire for revenge. We set sail in the morning, and as I gazed out at the boundless sea I knew that revenge would finally be mine and then, a bird...it shat right in me eye.' 'wa..what?' I asked. 'A bird poo poo in your eye? I don't get it.' 'Argh,' he says sadly, 'twas me first week with the hook.'
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Oct 26, 2020 03:16
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| # ? Apr 26, 2024 10:46 |
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A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar. "What is this?" asks the bartender, "some kind of joke?"
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Oct 26, 2020 03:24
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