Comrade Blyatlov posted:

But thanks to their grit and plucky attitudes, they've won every time!
Mostly won!
Batted even!
Had a few key victories!
Not lost anyone yet!
Not permanently had anyone die yet

Ravenfood posted:

quote:

<Gun? What gun?> Rachel yelled.

Pop! Pop! Pop!

Something stung my bare belly. <He’s got a BBgun!>

<He could put someone’s eye out with that!> Rachel cried in outrage.

<Yeah, mine!> I said. I closed one talon over the cube. It was too big! I used both talons. I could hold the cube, but I could barely stand. I flapped like a madman and managed to fall off the desk, still holding the cube.

Pop! Pop!

<Okay, now he’s ticked me off!> Rachel said.

<Don’t hurt him!> I said. <He’s just an innocent bystander.>

<Innocent, my ->

Pop! Pop! Pop!

I flapped hard and scooted along the carpet toward the door. Rachel did a little better, but once in the hallway her wings hit the walls with each stroke.

“Oh no, you don’t!” David yelled. “Give me back that blue box!”

Off we went: two dragging, scuffling, staggering, BB-stung birds, one hauling a blue box.

Followed by an outraged boy yelling and firing a very lifelike gun.

Down the hall!

<Ow!>

<Look out!>

“Give me back my box!”

Pop! Pop! Pop!

Down the stairs!

<Ow!>

<Hey, watch it!>

“Give me back my box!”

Pop! Pop! Pop!

Through the empty family room where the TV was on, showing Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

<Whoa, I forgot to set the VCR!> I said. <We’re missing Buffy.>

Pop! Pop! Pop!

<Owww! Oh man, I am so going to find a way to hurt this kid tomorrow at school,> Rachel threatened. <I’m going for the sliding glass door. Distract him while I get it open.>

<Distract him? By doing what? You figure I should do my Lord of the Dance impersonation?>

Rachel grabbed the sliding glass door handle with her beak and yanked. David ran straight for me. Straight for the box.

I could either jump up and rake his eyeballs, or give up the box. But David was not a Controller. He was not an enemy. And even I don’t think you can just go around tearing into innocent bystanders.

I jumped back from the box. The door slid open. And Rachel and I flapped across the back lawn, over the pool, above the fence, and out of there.

“Yeah! And don’t come back, either!” David yelled as he fired off a final BB.

<I am so not looking forward to explaining this to Jake,> Rachel said.

<We got our butts kicked by a kid with a BB gun. That’s just pathetic.> A hawk rose up to join us.

<Tobias?>

<Yeah. Man, that was a bad bump I took. I was having this weird dream. I was trapped in the conservatory with Professor Plum. So, how’d everything go?>

quote:

It was not our finest hour. We backed off, regrouped, and decided to try again the next evening after David had calmed down. We still had to get that blue box back before dealing with the much bigger problem of how to save the leaders of the free world.

Plus, I was supposed to be doing a makeup science paper to replace the paper I’d forgotten to do last week.

The next day was another school day. You know the routine: get up way too early, shower, dress, stand around waiting for the bus with the usual collection of dorks, try to cram for the first-period test while the bouncing bus bruises your butt bones.

Then it’s that first sight of the school building, followed, in my case at least, by a sinking sensation. Then you spot some cute girl who hasn’t called you “Beavis” yet and you start thinking, Okay, I guess I can stand another day.

Homeroom. Class. Class. Lunch.

The long wait in line as the aroma of something dead wafts toward you. Brussels sprouts? Eggplant? No, it’s cauliflower.

“You said your name is Marco, right?”

I swiveled around but continued to push my plastic tray along the line. It was David. I jerked like a guilty perpetrator being questioned by Lieutenant Sipowicz.

“Yeah. Marco,” I said. “David, right?”

He nodded. Then he looked at the food steaming and reeking. “The food was better at my last school.”

“That would pretty much have to be true. It couldn’t be any worse. Not unless your last school was a prison.”

He didn’t laugh. He just looked at me kind of intensely. “I don’t have any friends here yet. Something really weird happened to me yesterday. Very weird. Want to hang?”

“Sure. So, what -”

“Cauliflower or green bean casserole?” the lunch lady asked me. “Come on, little Marco, let’s keep it moving.”

“The casserole definitely,” I said. “It sounds so French and all.” I turned to David and said, “You know the English word for casserole? Slop.”

Again, no laugh.

We got our food and threaded our way through the boisterous zoo that was the lunchroom. There were a couple of empty tables at the far side of the room. I sat down. David sat across from me.

I had to act cool, not too interested in his story. It was easy because I basically knew all about it.

“Remember that blue box I showed you yesterday?”

I pretended to think. “Yeah. Now I do, yeah.”

He leaned forward. “Last night someone tried to steal it. And you’ll never guess how they did it. Trained birds.”

“Say what?”

“Two birds flew in my bedroom window and tried to get away with the box. Fortunately my cat, Megadeth, went after one.”

“You named your cat Megadeth?”

“I just wish my snake had been out of his box. He’s had his venom taken out, but I bet it would have scared those birds.”

“Snake?”

“Yeah, he’s really cool. He’s a cobra. You’re not even supposed to be able to own them, but my dad got it for me. He goes overseas a lot. He’s a spy. But don’t tell anyone.”

This was getting to be a lot to absorb. A cat named Megadeth, a cobra, and a father who was possibly a spy?

“Ooookay,” I said.

“Look, I know it sounds weird and all, but those birds were not ordinary birds. One of them opened a sliding glass door. It was an eagle, I think.”

“Why would anyone want to steal that blue box?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. But it must be valuable, right? Or else why would someone go to all the trouble of using trained birds?”

I nodded. “Makes sense.” Yeah, right. Makes perfect sense: burglar birds. There are times when I realize my real life has gotten so insane that I can’t even be sure what is truly insane.

“Anyway, I bet it’s worth a lot of money, so I’m going to try and sell it.”

That sent a nice chill up my spine. “Sell it?”

“Yeah. I posted a ‘for sale’ notice on a couple Web pages last night after all this went down. I described it. And I described those symbols, the ones that look like foreign writing? This morning before school I checked, and there was already an answer. Some guy says he wants to see it. He says he’ll pay good money. Says he’ll go anywhere, anytime.”

That did more than give me a chill. That stopped my breathing for about ten seconds.

“You did what?”

“I’m thinking I should have some backup, you know? Someone to cover me, in case anything goes down. You’re the only guy I know here.”

“You didn’t give this guy your address, did you?”

David smirked. “I’m not a moron. The guy could just rip me off while I’m stuck here at school.”

He shook his head and gave me a sly leer. “I set it up on a timer so the E-mail with my address won’t go out till right before I get home.”

“It’s on automatic?” I said.

He nodded. “I send the E-mail, the guy comes over, and I give you ten percent for helping me out.”

“Good plan,” I said as calmly as I could. But inside I was having a very different thought that went something like, You IDIOT FREAK! Do you know WHO is going to show up looking for that box?

Of course I didn’t say that.

I spotted Jake heading over in my direction. I gave him a small shake of my head, and he turned away. David rattled on, telling the story of the bird invasion. Then moving on to plans for spending the money he was going to make. But I wasn’t listening.

In a couple hours the E-mail was going to be sent. And very, very soon after that, David was going to get a visitor he didn’t want to meet.

I sat there, looking at David and thinking, How in the world am I going to save your life?

Epicurius posted:

quote:

“You named your cat Megadeth?”

Mazerunner posted:

whatever yeerk who stumbled on this while trawling ebay is feeling pretty hot right now though

Mazerunner posted:

whatever yeerk who stumbled on this while trawling ebay is feeling pretty hot right now though

quote:

Through the empty family room where the TV was on, showing Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

<Whoa, I forgot to set the VCR!> I said. <We’re missing Buffy.>

Mazerunner posted:

whatever yeerk who stumbled on this while trawling ebay is feeling pretty hot right now though

cptn_dr posted:

I would guess that he's trying real hard to be like his dad, cargo culting spy stuff.

freebooter posted:

'90s references coming thick and fast. What was up with the Irish dancing craze?


This is probably it but also, lol at how his dad would react. "Yeah I found some weird solid-state hard drive with foreign writing on it. Chucked it up on eBay, some guy's coming to the house right now."

quote:

I told Jake later during class. He jerked upright, said a word you really shouldn’t say in class, and was sent to discuss the matter with the principal.

I spent part of the afternoon finding an opportunity to tell Rachel and Cassie. I had to wait till they were together. Cassie has a calming influence on Rachel.

One thing was clear: We didn’t want that E-mail going out. Which meant I was going to be missing the last two periods. Jake made the final decision between fifth and sixth period, by my locker.

“Do it,” he said. “Bail. And get to that kid’s computer. Kill that E-mail.”

“He may have security on it, a password,” I pointed out. “Maybe I’ll swing by and try to get Ax to come along.”

Jake nodded. “You’re not going to have much time. Better haul. You can use my notes from class later.”“

Thanks,” I said. “But I think I’ll use Cassie’s notes. Yours will be all covered with doodles and pictures of jets and tanks.”

I know how to get up to the roof of the school, and fortunately, no one was up there. I shoved my outer clothing into my backpack. I’d have to get it later. In five minutes I was in the air.

I knew I was on a desperate, life-and-death mission. But that couldn’t totally erase the absolute joy I felt on pushing off from the school roof and feeling the air beneath my wings.

I mean, I’m sorry, but haven’t you ever sat in school, wishing you could zoom off into the wild blue? It was just so cool. As long as I didn’t consider the possibility that the school might call my dad.

That took away a little of the pleasure.

Plus, the possibility that before this day was over I’d be fighting Visser Three.

And yet it was a mostly sunny day, with some huge cumulus clouds piled miles high in the sky. And the warm air radiating up off the ground lifted me effortlessly higher and higher. Higher and higher, till the houses looked like shoe boxes and cars looked like Matchbox toys.

I turned toward the distant line of forest. It wouldn’t be easy finding Ax. He kept out of sight during the day. We were worried some deer hunter would spot him and try to shoot. Or worse, that some Controller might spot him and know what he was.

Now I began to realize that the breeze was blowing against me. Which meant slow going. But Tobias had taught us that sometimes altitude makes up for ground speed. See, if you get high enough, you can use gravity to let you swoop long distances, even against the wind. It’s like climbing to the
top of a really tall slide. Even if the wind is against you, you can slide to the bottom.

I rode a thermal up and up, as high as I’ve ever flown. I don’t know how far. But far enough that I spotted a small private plane at my same altitude.

I took aim on the forest and went into a long, gentle glide that eventually brought me to my target.

Ax hangs out in about ten square miles of forest. You have any idea how much forest that is? A lot. That’s a lot of trees. My osprey eyes saw everything, down to the beetles and worms down on the dead leaves.

But even I couldn’t see Ax. Not for a long time. Too long.

Now I was nervous. Now I was definitely nervous. I’d been in morph for over an hour, and even when I found Ax I’d have to fly all the way back to -

A flash of movement below!

A deer. No! Not a deer. Not unless deer were turning blue.

I spilled air and headed down.

<Ax! Ax! Is that you? It’s me, Marco.>

He stopped running. I was close enough now to see one stalk eye swivel up toward the sky and focus on me.

<Shouldn’t you be in school?> he asked.

<What are you, the truant officer? I need your help. Do you think you could get past whatever security someone might have on a PC?>

Ax laughed. Then he stopped. <Oh, you are serious. I assumed you were making a joke. I am making an effort to recognize human humor and respond appropriately.>

<Uh-huh.> I landed pretty well on a fallen log, digging my talons into rotting wood and exciting a bunch of termites. <So, can you do it?>

<Of course I can do it,> Ax said. <A human computer? I know you don’t mean to insult me, but really, even asking the question is an insult to any Andalite.>

I sighed. <Whatever. You need to morph. We need to haul butt.>

<What is the problem?> Ax asked. But he wasn’t wasting time. He was already melting, shifting, morphing.

<It’s the blue box. If I’m right, in about an hour Visser Three is going to get an E-mail offering him a chance to buy it.>

quote:

Ticktock. Ticktock. Time was running out fast.

The wind was with us on our trip back to David’s house. Just one problem: Have you ever tried to find one house in the middle of a whole subdivision of almost identical houses? From the air? When the only other time you’ve seen the place was at night?


<Are you lost?> Ax asked me.

<No, we are lost,> I said. <Look for a pool. It was sort of kidney-shaped.>

<A pool? A Yeerk pool?>

<No, just a human pool.>

<I’ve never heard of such a thing. Are they necessary for reproduction?>

<No. But they help you get friends during the summer.>

I spotted a blue, kidney-shaped pool and veered toward it. It looked right. Surely it was the right place. Only just across the street was an identical house with an identical pool. I could have cried from sheer frustration. Then, from up above us, came a thought-speak voice. <Ax? And who, Marco? Cassie?>

<Tobias!> I yelled. <What are you doing up there? And how did you know it was us?>

<What I’m doing is riding this excellent thermal. And any idiot would know there’s something weird about a northern harrier and an osprey zipping around peeking in people’s windows. Good grief. Have you ever heard the word “subtle”?>

quote:

<Make fun of me later,> I snapped. <We need to find David’s house. Like now!>

<A block to the west,> Tobias said. <Hang tight, I’ll show you.>

Down he fell, like a missile coming down on its target. Ax and I flapped to intercept him.

<What’s the deal?> Tobias asked.

<He’s offering the box for sale over the Internet. He already has one interested party. There’s a timed E-mail we have to stop. But I’m worried he’ll have it protected by a password. That’s why I brought Ax.>

<Ah. Um … if there’s a password, why not just turn off the computer?>

I almost splatted into the rooftop from sheer “duh.”

<Oh. I guess we could do that,> I said, feeling like possibly the biggest idiot in the world. Of course, duh: Turn off the computer. Or at least yank out the phone cord.

I hate feeling like an idiot.

<It would still be best if we made it look like the E-mail went out. Then if David doesn’t get an answer he’ll figure, you know, no one was interested.>

<How do we get inside the house?> Tobias asked. <All the windows are closed. I’m not splatting into any more windows.>

We were circling above the house, three birds of prey, probably looking like vultures or something. Tobias was right. The windows were all closed. There was plywood in the window Rachel had busted the day before.

I was feeling a little more relaxed now. We had a little more than an hour before the E-mail would go out. Plenty of time.

<Okay, here’s what we do. Ax and I will morph to cockroach and crawl in under the back door. Tobias, you stay and make sure nothing eats us.>

Ax and I landed in the backyard. There was a nice, high fence, which was good. And we’d looked in every window and were sure no one was home.

I demorphed by the rusty swing set. In a few minutes Ax and I were ourselves. We walked over to the back door. I knelt down to take a look at the crack beneath the door. There was plenty of room for a cockroach.

“Okay, let’s get this over with,” I said. I rested my hand on the doorknob, preparing to enter cockroach morph. But then I felt the doorknob slip.
“Hey, these people left the door unlocked,” I said. “Come on.”

<Nooooo!> Tobias yelled, just as I pushed the door open.

“What’s the matter?” I said. “It’s open, so -”

WwwwAAAAHHHHH! WwwwAAAAHHHHH!

<Burglar alarm, that’s what’s the matter!> Tobias yelled.

<What is that unpleasantly loud sound?> Ax wondered.

“Oh, man!” I yelled. “Come on! Let’s go! Tobias, let us know if you see cops showing up!”

I rushed inside, with Ax trotting along behind me. Through the kitchen, with Ax’s hooves skittering wildly on the linoleum.

WwwwAAAAHHHHH! WwwwAAAAHHHHH!

Through the carpeted family room.

Crash! Ax’s tail had caught a lamp. A ceramic lamp. Which was now pieces of ceramic lamp.

WwwwAAAAHHHHH! WwwwAAAAHHHHH!

Up the stairs.

Crash! Crash! Crash! Three little, framed pictures mounted on the stairway walls were swept clean by Ax’s tail.

WwwwAAAAHHHHH! WwwwAAAAHHHHH!

“This is working out great!” I yelled in frustration.

<Marco! Ax! Someone’s pulling up!>

Into David’s room. The computer monitor showed a cool screen saver. I bumped the mouse. Off went the screen saver. I double-clicked on the AOL icon.

Deedly-deedly-deeedly! The phone rang and I jumped about two feet straight up.

WwwwAAAAHHHHH! WwwwAAAAHHHHH!

Deedly-deed -

Someone had answered the phone! I shot a look at Ax. It wasn’t him.

WwwwAAAAHHHHH! Wwww -

Someone had turned off the alarm!

And from downstairs I heard a strong, male voice say, “Yes, I’m home now and the alarm was going off. (Pause.) I’m sure I can handle it. (Pause.) No, I’m a law enforcement officer. No need to send one of your guards out here. I’ll check it out.”

Click.

David’s father, obviously. Home from work. Home from work as a “law enforcement officer.” Home from work with his gun.

I glanced at the screen. The AOL software was loading up. Slowly.

No time to wait. We had to hide. We had to hide me, plus a big, blue scorpion-looking, deer-boy from outer space. And we had to hide us from a guy who knew how to search.

Great.

“Ax! Into the closet and morph something small!” I hissed.

He leaped. I leaped, too, straight underneath the desk. I was going to yank the phone wire out, just to be safe.

But David’s desk was one of those desks that has a back piece. I couldn’t get to the wires.

“Okay, if anyone is up here, might as well come on out so there are no accidents,” David’s father said. “I don’t want to have to shoot anyone.”

I couldn’t reach the phone cord. “Rrrrgghh!” I said in total frustration.

I jumped up, glanced at the screen, dropped to my knees, and rolled under the bed.

From beneath the bed I saw shoes stepping slowly through David’s door.

I held my breath.

And that’s when I realized two really terrible things.

One: In my quick glance at David’s monitor, I had noticed something odd. The clock in the lower, right-hand corner was wrong. It was off by an hour.

David’s E-mail was going out not in an hour and three minutes, but in three minutes.

Two: David’s pet cobra slept under the bed.

Grammarchist posted:

Visser Three shows up to David's house, but in a comical coincidence he's actually trying to buy David's cat.

HisMajestyBOB posted:

AOL icon? Shouldn't that be Web Access America?


Also, lol at computers using phone cords. Or just "phone cords"

HisMajestyBOB posted:

AOL icon? Shouldn't that be Web Access America?


Also, lol at computers using phone cords. Or just "phone cords"

quote:

It slithered up, over the lip of a cardboard box. And let me tell you something: Time really is relative, because I aged about five years in five seconds.

It formed itself into a coil. And then, quite suddenly, up it went! Head flared wide, tongue flickering, it raised up and …

Bonk!

The cobra hit its head on the bottom of the mattress.

This seemed to leave it feeling puzzled, because it sort of hung there, half up, half down, staring at me like it was all my fault.

I remembered David saying it had been de-poisoned. Or whatever they call it. But how can you trust a kid who’d own a snake?

The snake stared at me with glittering, evil eyes.

The shoes came closer.

What was I supposed to do? I could morph to something small. Like a bug. Like a roach or an ant or a flea. But there was a slight problem with that: I was being eyeballed by a cobra not two feet away! Who knew what snakes might eat?

Then it hit me. The obvious, if slightly insane solution. I reached my hand for the snake.

Fwapp!

The snake struck! Fangs in my hand, right in the fleshy part between the thumb and forefinger.

“Urgh!” I groaned.

“All right, come out from under there!” David’s father said.

I grabbed for the snake and held him tight this time. He began to thrash, slither, wriggle, and just generally be annoying.

“On the count of three, and bring your hands out first!”

Thump!

A muffled noise. I saw the black shoes swivel to face the closet. It was Ax, providing a distraction. Good old Ax!

I held onto that stupid snake and I focused. When animals are acquired, which is when we absorb their DNA, they become calm, relaxed, peaceful. Most of the time, anyway.

But not the snake. No, as I absorbed the DNA and as David’s father went to the closet, that lunatic snake kept thrashing like an idiot. The closet door opened.

“All right, step out here and … jeez Louise!”

I heard the sound of a gun being holstered. And then the big black shoes started doing a dance. A little dance called “stomp the bug!”

<Marco! I am in spider morph and this human is attempting to crush me with his artificial hooves!>

I couldn’t answer, of course, since I wasn’t in morph. All I could do was try to distract David’s dad for Ax, like he’d done for me.

So I yanked the cobra back and flung him, across the floor. He went flopping and hissing out into plain view. At which point David’s father said, “Ah, Spawn! Get the spider, Spawn!”

Things were going from bad to worse. The cobra locked its nasty gaze right on poor Ax, who I could now see zipping around insanely between the man’s big, black “artificial hooves.”

Ax was going to get stomped or eaten, one or the other or possibly both. Nothing to do now but crawl out from under the bed and …

Dingdong!

“Get that spider, Spawn! That’s the door. Probably rent-a-cops from the security company, the useless … I told ‘em not to bother.” He muttered his way out of the room.

I squirmed quickly out from beneath the bed, stood up, narrowly missed stomping Ax myself, andpushed Spawn the snake out of the way.

I swept Ax up in my hand and leaped back to the computer.

And there, on the screen, the fateful words: Your mail has been sent.

I took a deep breath. I had a morphed Andalite in my hand. A deadly E-mail was on its way. David’s policeman father could decide to come back up and resume his search. And I had a painful snake bite on my hand.

At least there was no poison. Or I’d probably be dead by now.

Unless it was one of those slow-acting poisons.

From downstairs I heard, “Hey, look, I told your office I didn’t need them to send you. Waste of your time. Probably just a false alarm. I have it under control.”

I guess he hadn’t seen all the stuff Ax had accidentally broken. The sound of the door shutting.

Now what? I wondered.

The E-mail had gone out. David’s dad was going to start searching again. And I didn’t really want to leave the house. Trouble could start at any minute.

Spawn, the snake, had slithered away into the closet. No time for Ax to demorph and then remorph.

There was maybe just enough time for one morph.

Just time for one morph that could stay right here in the room and not be noticed. Or eaten.

“Ax! I’m gonna morph! I’m putting you down.”

I tossed Ax onto the floor. I wasn’t too worried about dropping him. He was in wolf spider morph and I’d done that morph before. They’re tough little creatures.

I focused my mind and began to morph.

I began to morph the cobra.

quote:

Here’s a news flash about snakes: They don’t have arms or legs.

I began the morph and the first thing I noticed was that my arms and legs were withering. Not just shrinking. Withering. Like if you took a strip of paper and put it at the edge of a fire in the fireplace. And it doesn’t quite burn, it just sort of … withers.

That was happening to my arms. It was bizarre. It was the kind of thing that would make any sane human being scream like a ninny. I mean, come on! You’re looking at your arms and they have skin and muscles and hair, fingers on the end, fingernails, and all of that seems to crumple and weaken and shorten and shrivel.

But as bad as that is, your legs are worse. You need them for standing.

As soon as I realized what was happening I dropped to my knees. As quietly as I could, but I’m sure I still made some sound. Great! Now David’s dad would definitely be coming back. I rolled onto my side and back under the bed.

I twisted my head and realized that I was twisting it too well. My neck had grown. I could look straight down without crimping my neck.

What I saw was my morphing suit and my skin both begin to be covered by a pattern. Like tiny, tiny diamonds drawn in my flesh. The scales of the snake. They were yellow and a sort of dirty brown. My arms were little twigs poking out from the trunk of my body. My legs were thinning and stretching, all muscle gone, my feet gone.

I heard the eerie sound of my own bones turning watery and disappearing. I literally felt the sagging of my internal organs as they sort of lay there, unsupported by the usual bone and muscle.


I could hear a faint “scrrrrrnnnnnchhhh” as my spine extended out, forcing its way down one of my withered legs. And then, all at once, the other leg whipped around like a fast-action ivy or something. It whipped around the leg with my spine in it and melted together to form a tail.

Now, here’s the gross part. Morphing, like I said before, is never logical. Things don’t happen smoothly. Sometimes it’s like they happen as weirdly as possible. Like the Andalite scientists who invented morphing had a twisted sense of humor or something.

Because even as the scales spread across my almost totally tubular body, and my legs became a tail, and my arms … well, they were gone now … but even while all this was happening, my head was untouched.

I know I still had my normal, human head. Normal size … with a snake where the rest of my body should be.

Yeah, get a good, clear mental picture of that. Think about it being you. And then think about just how much you’d want to scream right about then.

I was a worm with a head.

I’ve had two legs. I’ve had four legs. I’ve had six and eight legs. I’ve never had zero legs. Zero legs, zero arms.

Fortunately, my lungs were tiny snake lungs and couldn’t have forced a sigh up through my human mouth, let alone a scream.

I am so going to have nightmares about this, I thought.

Then, at last, my head began to change. It was a relief. I mean, either be human or be a snake.

Don’t be a little of both.

You feel weird stuff during morphing. Never any pain, which is good, because seriously, you don’t want to think about how much it would hurt to have half your internal organs disappear and have your spine shoving into new places where it doesn’t belong.

But you sometimes feel things like they’re far off. The way you feel things in a dream. Like they’re happening to someone else, but they’re still happening, right?

I could feel my windpipe, the part that goes to your mouth, push up, up through the roof of my mouth. Then I could feel it join with my nose. I have no idea why. All I know is, I couldn’t breathe through my mouth anymore.

My head was shrinking very fast now. The scales covered my neck, spreading up my cheeks like really bad acne, then across my forehead and over my scalp, replacing my hair.

My mouth was getting bigger, relative to my head. A normal human mouth is maybe, what, five percent the size of the whole head? Well, now my mouth was about a third of my head.

I felt my teeth suddenly turn mushy. They became puffy flesh, like rotten gums. And then I heard the sound of something growing inside my mouth. I felt it, too.

Fangs!

They grew and curled back up against the roof of my mouth. Of course, Spawn had had his poison sacs removed. So …

Then it occurred to me: This morph was created from DNA. Surgery wouldn’t affect that. The fact that Spawn had no poison did not mean I didn’t.

I had fangs. Hollow needle teeth. And above those fangs, up in my mouth, poison filled the sacs.

Between those fangs my forked tongue whipped … out, tweedle-tweedle-tweedle as it wiggled. In. Out and tweedle, tweedle, tweedle. In.

It was like smell. Only not. I was tasting the air. But tasting it with more refinement than the world’s greatest food lover. I was tasting individual molecules.

My sight was excellent. It was even in color, which was a relief. Different colors than normal,but color.

In addition, I felt a new sense, a new awareness added to the others. It took a while to figure out.

But then I realized: I could sense heat. Not like the difference between a hot stove and a block of ice. This was infinitely more refined. I could sense the difference in heat between the side of a carpet strand that was toward the faint sunlight, and the side that was in shadow.

The only real problem was hearing. Snakes don’t have external ears, you know. Mostly I was hearing through vibrations in the floor that seemed to travel up my body.

But then, I’m used to that. It’s pretty much the same as when you’re in cockroach morph.

Mostly, though, I was a creature of sight, with that questing, tasting tongue to back me up and an eerily precise ability to sense minuscule differences in temperature.

And that’s when the snake’s own mind appeared within my consciousness.

Cold.

That’s how it felt. Like a ghost was standing beside me. Like someone had opened a door in my brain and a rush of Arctic air had blown in.

The snake heard the sound of footsteps approaching, climbing the stairs. It was wary. Not afraid, just … ready. Like Clint Eastwood walking into a saloon. Not afraid … just making sure his gun hand was free.

Tongue out, tweedle, tweedle, tweedle. Tongue in. Wary and hungry.

I sensed heat. Not much, since what I was sensing was cold-blooded. But enough. The wide-set eyes spotted jerky movement, eight legs motoring.

<The human is coming again,> Ax said.

The cold, calculating, emotionless machine that was my brain noticed the odd sound in my head and dismissed it. Irrelevant. What mattered was hunger and movement and warmth.

Tongue out, tweedle, tweedle, tweedle. Hmmm. The musk of a bug. The scent of a spider. Movement, warmth, and taste.

Movement and warmth and taste meant food. Food was the answer to hunger.

<Marco, what do you think we should do?> Ax asked.

I didn’t answer. Instead, I reared up, cocked my head back, stretched the thin bones that spread my cobra cowl, and with speed as great as an Andalite’s tail, I fired my head forward, mouth open.

I ate Ax.

I ate him in one quick swallow.

WrightOfWay posted:

lmao that the snake is named Spawn. David is such an edgelord.

WrightOfWay posted:

lmao that the snake is named Spawn. David is such an edgelord.

nine-gear crow posted:

If the books were set in the 2000s, the cat would be named Rammstein or Slipknot.

Fuschia tude posted:

They were both totally a thing in the late 90s though.

Jazerus posted:

cat: megadeth
snake: spawn
notebook: absolutely full of drawings of six-barreled shotguns and sick guitars with spikes on them

quote:

I felt him squirming inside my mouth. I felt the eight hairy legs kicking.


<Did you ingest me?!> Ax demanded, sounding outraged.

<Um … yes.>

<Have you lost control of your morph?>

<Well …> Okay, maybe I had. For just a minute. Now I was back in charge, though.

It was slightly embarrassing. As a rule, you shouldn’t eat your friends. Then something terrible occurred to me.

<Did I bite you? How do you feel?>

<Urgghh … groggy …>

<Morph out!> It didn’t matter anymore if David’s father saw Ax. Ax would be dead in seconds if he didn’t demorph. I spit the spider out, which was not an easy thing to do. My snake tongue didn’t work like a normal tongue. It came flitting out of its own little slot, tasting the air every second or so. It was great for picking up the scent of possible prey. It was useless for pushing half-dead spiders out of your mouth.

Fortunately, Ax was already demorphing. He was growing bigger and bigger in my snake mouth and pushing his own way out.

And that’s when David’s father reappeared. “What the … Oh, oh, oh! What is that thing?”

No choice. I had to contact the man. I had to use thought-speak. Of course, there was no law saying I had to tell the truth. And it’s a fact that you can’t tell where thought-speak is coming from.

<Greetings, Earthling! Klaatu barada nikto! I come in peace!>

“Yaa-ah-ahh!” David’s father said and backed up a couple of steps.

I saw him draw his weapon from a shoulder holster and point it at Ax. I couldn’t blame him. Ax was about the size of a Beanie Baby, with eight hairy legs, blue and tan fur, a wormy sort of scorpion tail, and two very tiny arms.

<Do not fire your Earth weapon!> I yelled. <We come in peace!>

“‘We’? A second ago it was ‘I.’ How many of you are there?”

Great. Count on a “law enforcement officer” to notice that. I recalled David saying his dad was a spy. What was he, FBI? CIA? Or a member of the shadowy secret force that’s always giving Mulder and Scully so much trouble?

<Um, well, Earthling,> I said, <there’s just one of me. But I suffer from a sort of space mental illness. Split personality. Hey, it’s a long, long trip from planet Xenon Five, I had to have someone to talk to!>

Ax had grown to the size of a teddy bear. A really ugly teddy bear. “Whatever you’re doing, stop it!” the man cried. “Stop growing!”

<Hey! What the heck are you two doing in there?> It was Tobias’s voice from outside.

<I’m a snake, I bit Ax, he’s demorphing so he won’t die of the poison, the stupid E-mail got sent, and this guy is gonna shoot us!> I said. <Any other questions?>

“Stop growing, or I’ll shoot!” the man said.

Click!

He pulled back the hammer on the gun.

“I said freeze.”

<You got new problems,> Tobias announced. <David’s walking up.>

<Earthling!> I yelled. <Your son ditched school early!>

Don’t ask me why I said that. I guess I had some instinct that maybe all parents are alike and even when faced with a weird, morphing alien, they’ll focus on their kids first.

The FBI slash CIA slash Secret Whatever Agency agent’s eyes flickered. “He what?”

<He ditched last period.>

Now, let me step back and paint this picture for you: It’s me, the snake, thought-speaking to a very suspicious guy, pretending to be speaking from a now cocker-spaniel-sized half-spider, half- Andalite, while getting information from a Bird-boy, announcing that some kid had ditched school early.

Question: Is my life insane?

Answer: Oh, yeah. Definitely.

“I came home from work early,” David’s father said. “Hah! Got him! I’ll ground him for a month!”

The sound vibrations of a door opening downstairs.

Ax was now more Andalite than spider. And he was morphing his way clear of the poison.

“I told you to stop that,” David’s father said, snapping back to the fact that maybe, just maybe, having an alien in his house was slightly more important than catching his son skipping a class.

<Marco, hang in there,> Tobias reported from outside. <I see an eagle, an osprey, and a falcon heading this way. Should be here in about ten minutes.>

<That’s great, as long as this guy doesn’t decide to pull the trigger! ‘Cause I’m guessing the bullet will take less than ten minutes to travel.>

David suddenly appeared in the doorway. He stopped dead and stared at Ax.

“Whoa!”

“He says he’s some kind of alien,” his father said tersely.

“Whoa-oah-oah!”

“By the way, you’re grounded.”

“An alien, no way!”

I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself. In thought-speak I said, <Yes, way!>

It would have all been stupidly funny. I mean, it was bizarre, that’s for sure. But the humor vanished in the next instant.

Because that’s when Tobias said, <A limo, two Jeeps, and a moving van, coming fast, all together! Coming this way!>

And I said to David and his father, in as calm a voice as I could manage, <Listen to me. All hell is about to break loose. The two of you need to hide.>

“Hide? Why do we have to hide?” David said defiantly.

<Because the alternative is to be dead.>

quote:

Dingdong!

The doorbell rang.

David’s father kept the gun on Ax, who was now definitely an Andalite.

<You don’t want to answer that doorbell,> I said.

Unfortunately, the real Spawn, the original cobra, chose that moment to slither out of the closet. Slowly, David’s father turned his gaze down to me. Then back to Ax, then to me again.

<Yes, it’s me, the snake talking. Look, don’t do anything stupid.> He jerked the gun toward me.

BLAM! BLAM!

I felt an impact. Not pain, just an impact. I jerked my snake head and saw a hole the size of a quarter in my body, just six inches up from the far end. I was seeing carpet through my snake body.

Now David’s father was taking more careful aim.

Fwapp! Ax swung his tail like a bullwhip! The gun went flying. So did a finger.

“Hey!” David cried.

“Ahhh!” his father yelled.

CRRRRUNCH!

Downstairs, the door exploded in splinters.

David’s father clutched his injured hand.

<TOBIAS!> I yelled in thought-speak. <We’re gonna need reinforcements!>

There was a severe, house-shaking pounding as many large feet ran up the stairs.

Two Hork-Bajir warriors leaped into the room, saw Ax, and cringed back. And then, between them, stepped another Andalite. Older than Ax. And in some way you couldn’t quite put your finger on, very, very different from Ax.

<Visser Three!> Ax sneered in hatred.

<We heard shots. We thought maybe we could help,> the Visser said mockingly.

“Get out of here!” David yelled.

<Get out of here?> Visser Three said. <Why, I’m disappointed. I just got your primitive E-mail and I rushed right over.>

“Y-y-you want to b-b-buy the blue box?”

<Oh, yes, definitely,> Visser Three said. <I do, I do. And I’m willing to pay anything. Let’s see, what could I offer you for the box? I know!> He whipped his tail and pressed the blade against the throat of David’s father. <I’ll pay you with your father’s life.>

<You aren’t getting the box,> Ax said calmly, stepping forward to tail-range with the Visser.

<Then this human will be separated from his head. I understand that’s usually fatal in humans.>

For a long moment, no one moved. Not Visser Three. Not Ax. Not David or his father. Not the two Hork-Bajir.

No one moved. Except me.

I was new in the morph. I hadn’t really tried it out yet. And I had no idea how you’re supposed to move if you don’t have legs. But the snake’s own brain knew.

I slithered. Long muscles in my body contracted, shortening one side of my body, forming a halfloop.

Then, I uncoiled the half-loop to push my head forward.

I was silent. I was swift. But I was not invisible. And I was losing blood from the bullet hole in my tail.

<What is this? Another Andalite in morph?> Visser Three wondered, cocking a stalk eye down at me. Sudden movement!

David’s father jerked his head back, away from the Visser’s tail blade. David ran straight at the Visser, yelling, “Let him go!”

Ax whipped his tail forward. Fwapp! But his attack was slowed by having to be careful of David.

Fwapp! The Visser blocked Ax’s blow!

The two Hork-Bajir stopped looking like statues and leaped forward, blades flashing.

Two Hork-Bajir and Visser Three versus Ax and a snake. It was impossible! Doubly impossible with David and his father running around getting in the way.

Fwapp!

Fwapp!

Tail blades sliced the air.

Shwoop! Shwoop! Hork-Bajir wrist and arm blades slashed.

Ax was quickly driven back, desperate, against the far wall. It was a slashing, tail-whipping madness that ripped posters from the walls and lacerated curtains and sent all the little toys and gewgaws on David’s desk flying.

I slithered after him, coiling, stretching, coiling, sliding across the floor in pursuit of hooves and the big Hork-Bajir, Tyrannosaurus feet.

Target! A Hork-Bajir ankle!

I reared up, I sighted, I fired!

Fast as an Andalite tail, I launched my diamond head forward through the air, mouth open, fangs down. Thmph!

Yes! I hit flesh! I sank my needle fangs in, all the way. I felt the venom pumping, pumping, pumping chemical death into the Hork-Bajir’s leg.

“Rrrraahhhh!” the Hork-Bajir yelled in pain. He kicked, and I was like the end of a whip! He kicked madly, trying to dislodge me, but I was stuck to him by my fangs.

Back and forth! Whipped forward, whipped back. My head was almost still, glued to the vile Hork-Bajir leg, but the rest of my long body flailed away through the air.

Flail forward! <Aaaahhhh!>

Flail back! <Aaaahhhh!>

And then the Hork-Bajir began to slow down.

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!

David’s father had found his gun. He was in the corner, still cradling his bloody gun hand and firing with the other hand.

I saw three circles appear in my Hork-Bajir’s chest and down he went.

I disengaged my teeth.

More Hork-Bajir rushing into the cramped room. I remembered Tobias saying a moving van was\ coming. That would hold a lot of Hork-Bajir.

One big Hork-Bajir stepped on me, not even noticing I was there. A big mistake on his part. I jerked my head forward, quicker than the blink of an eye. This time I bit and released quickly.

Ax was down!

I saw him topple over and I saw Visser Three and two Hork-Bajir close in on him.

And that’s when things got really ugly.

“Hhhhrrroooarrrhh!” There was a throaty, hoarse-sounding roar and through the door stepped something even more awesome, more terrifying than a Hork-Bajir warrior. Through the door, bowing her massive head and crunching her huge bulk, came Rachel.

If you were to come across a grizzly bear in the wild, out among the trees, it would look huge. But here, confined inside a bedroom, it was beyond huge. The bear was reared up on its hind legs and its cute little ears were scraping the ceiling. I mean, it scared me, and I knew it was just Rachel in a morph.

You want to know what it’s like being a human up against a grizzly bear? Well, you know that “da,da,da,da” commercial for Volkswagen? Anyway, take that Volkswagen and run it head-to-head into an eighteen-wheeler going ninety miles an hour. That’s human versus grizzly.

You just have no concept, no concept at all, how powerful a grizzly bear is till you’re up close and personal with it.

Hork-Bajir are nasty, tough opponents. But even they did a quick double take when Rachel stepped into the room. And behind her, sliding past her with unnatural grace, like molten steel, came a tiger.

The fight had been rowdy. Now it was going nuclear.

David was going to have a real problem cleaning up his room.

Epicurius posted:

One guess who's coming.

Chapter 14