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The Something Awful Forums > The Finer Arts > The Sci-Fi Wi-Fi > corran horn fucking an otter: Space Australia, or Actual Australia?

Arc Hammer: Mar 4, 2013; Got any deathsticks?

Twenty pages and several discussions of the Jedi Academy Trilogy and not one of you brought up the part where Lando goes to the ~~Giant Amoeba~~ Umgullian Blob Races to watch gelatinous cubes on a track while using a Jedi Tracker to find a guy who pretends to use The Force to influence bets.

Or the time where Chewie and Threepio became the aunt and uncle who take Han and Leia's twins to Coruscant's museum of natural history where Jaina and Jacen find an elevator that takes them to the bottom of the planet and they get attacked by a cyclops.

Or when Leia's childhood friend was babysitting Anakin Solo and used a mountain that was also a giant tentacle droid to fight against a dumbass Imperial commander riding around in the giant robot spider from Wild Wild West.

# ? Oct 2, 2021 02:43

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 29, 2024 12:03

Cease to Hope: Dec 12, 2011

it's really a wonder that such absolutely loving weird books are also so incomprehensibly boring

# ? Oct 2, 2021 02:51

Jazerus: May 24, 2011

look man when i think about lando in the EU only two things come to mind: the fact that he's always got a new mining operation, and that time he climbed around nude with lobot while c-3po and r2-d2 watched

# ? Oct 2, 2021 02:55

fartknocker: Oct 28, 2012; Damn it, this always happens. I think I'm gonna score, and then I never score. It's not fair.; Wedge Regret

Jazerus posted:

look man when i think about lando in the EU only two things come to mind: the fact that he's always got a new mining operation, and that time he climbed around nude with lobot while c-3po and r2-d2 watched

Was that the thing in the Black Fleet Crisis? I remember him and Lobot stuck in that dumb ship for 3 books doing nothing but don�t recall him being naked�

# ? Oct 2, 2021 03:02

Jazerus: May 24, 2011

fartknocker posted:

Was that the thing in the Black Fleet Crisis? I remember him and Lobot stuck in that dumb ship for 3 books doing nothing but don�t recall him being naked�

yeah. it's been many years since i read it (because black fleet crisis is abysmal) so maybe i'm mis-remembering but i'm pretty sure that whatever they had to do in order to leave the dumb ship at the end involved lando & lobot clambering around part of the ship in very little clothing, if not totally naked

# ? Oct 2, 2021 03:07

fartknocker: Oct 28, 2012; Damn it, this always happens. I think I'm gonna score, and then I never score. It's not fair.; Wedge Regret

There�s a parts where the vacuum suits they wore are too bulky to get through parts of the ship and they take them off, but I don�t recall them explicitly said to be naked or close to it and assumed they had clothes on :shrug:

:shrug:

# ? Oct 2, 2021 03:18

Cease to Hope: Dec 12, 2011

You can liven up any story by imagining Billy Dee Williams has a nude scene in it.

# ? Oct 2, 2021 03:57

Cerv: Sep 14, 2004; This is a silly post with little news value.

Threepio and Artoo are already naked. So it�s only fair to join in.

# ? Oct 2, 2021 04:12

skasion: Feb 13, 2012; Why don't you perform zazen, facing a wall?

Lando also gets stripped naked and left to die in the first(?) Lando Calrissian Adventure iirc

# ? Oct 2, 2021 04:39

SolarFire2: Oct 16, 2001; "You're awefully cute, but unfortunately for you, you're made of meat." - Meat And Sarcasm Guy!

Dapper_Swindler posted:

i feel like loving aliens is kinda normal in star wars. the exoctic poo poo is probably wanting to gently caress hutts or various non bipedal aliens. maybe those aliens that have six legged wolf babys.

"However I did make it with a hot alien babe. And in the end, is that not what man has dreamt of since first he looked up at the stars?" -Zapp Brannigan

# ? Oct 2, 2021 07:27

banned from Starbucks: Jul 18, 2004

Arc Hammer posted:

Twenty pages and several discussions of the Jedi Academy Trilogy and not one of you brought up the part where Lando goes to the ~~Giant Amoeba~~ Umgullian Blob Races to watch gelatinous cubes on a track while using a Jedi Tracker to find a guy who pretends to use The Force to influence bets.

Or the time where Chewie and Threepio became the aunt and uncle who take Han and Leia's twins to Coruscant's museum of natural history where Jaina and Jacen find an elevator that takes them to the bottom of the planet and they get attacked by a cyclops.

Or when Leia's childhood friend was babysitting Anakin Solo and used a mountain that was also a giant tentacle droid to fight against a dumbass Imperial commander riding around in the giant robot spider from Wild Wild West.

Wait what. I read that horrid poo poo series and I don't remember any of that.

# ? Oct 2, 2021 13:01

Toph Bei Fong: Feb 29, 2008

Starlog #31 Feb 1980 posted:

SOLO GETS IT

. . .This is in response to the letter from Eva
Albertsson (STARLOG #28) concerning the
"rumor" about the killing of Han Solo in the Star
Wars sequel, Empire Strikes Back. I am in com-
plete agreement with her. I first read about it several
months ago, in an interview with David
Prowse.who stated that a new character, Boba
Fett, was being brought in (Prowse thought) to kill
off Han Solo, because Harrison Ford's contract
ran out. I read it again in the same issue Eva did,
and in another article that did not deal with
Prowse. It was in a magazine called Star Wars and
it strongly suggested that Darth Vader would cap-
ture Han Solo and expose him to the dark side of
the Force. This would put Luke Skywalker in the
position of having to face Han Solo and it asked the
question "W,ould Luke Skywalker be able to face
and kill his friend?" This, to me, is the same thing
as saying this is exactly what's going to hap-
pen�that Luke is going to be put in the position
and maybe at the very last minute Han won't be
able to kill Luke and Luke kills him instead. Then,
in the the trailer of Empire, there's one scene of
Han Solo being knocked out and another with him
in a chair obviously against his will, so I don't
figure I need any more proof of this. As Eva
Albertsson said, if this character is killed off, I, too,
am completely through with anything having to do
with Star Wars.

Mrs. Lynette Lichenstein
105 Opal Ct.
Houston, TX 77009

SOLO WILL SURVIVE

... In reply to Eva Alberlsson's letter in STARLOG
28 about the possibility of Han Solo's demise in
the Star Wars' sequel: be assured he won't die.
Craig Miller, Director of Fan Relations al Black
Falcon, Ltd., has assured fans of this at a recent
San Francisco convention. Besides, having one of
the heroes be killed is not in keeping with Star
Wars' optimistic spirit. Nevertheless, Han Solo is
not the key to Star Wars' success� he is only part of
the whole. He is, in effect, Luke Skywalker's
sidekick. In the future, if Lucas wants to lake Han
Solo out of the picture it won't destroy Star Wars
or the cycle of stories.' Lucas has said thai new
characters would come in and old ones would
leave. I'd hate to see Han Solo outlive his useful-
ness. If all you see in Star Wars is the need for a
character "to earn your (Lucas') film any response
from anyone past the age of 12," there can be other
characters for you besides Han Solo. It appears
thai the new character, Baron Lando Calrissian, as
a galactic businessman, will also be representative
of the "everyman" of the galaxy as is Han. Even
Darth Vader isn't necessary for more than a few-
films. We'll have a new villain, Boba Fett, and of
course the Emperor and the entire Empire yet to
overcome. In fact, I suspect Vader will get his com-
upance in The Empire Strikes Back. There's an en-
tire galaxy of characters out there. As an avid Star
Wars' fan, I'm looking forward to seeing new
characters enter and leave the Star Wars sagas as
long as Luke remains in all the films to lie "The
Adventures of Luke Skywalker" together.

Tracy Duncan
P.O. Box 2385
Eugene, OR 97402

VADER'S VOICE

... I am an avid fan of Star Wars. I read everything
that relates to it. I've been following the
developments of The Empire Strikes Back, and it
seems that all the original stars have been recast to
repeat their characters. This brings me to my ques-
tion. I know that David Prowse will once again
portray Lord Darth Vader, but I would like to
know if James Earl Jones will once again be the
voice behind the mask?

Sampson B. Pipkin
162 Graham Ave.
Paterson, NJ

Yes.

Starlog #31 Feb 1980 posted:

Stalking STRIKES BACK
with Ear and Typewriter

BY DAVID HOUSTON

One of the things we hear about the
knew Star Wars picture, The Empire
'Strikes Back, are verifiably accurate.
The original actors are back in their original
roles (most of them, anyway), and there are
some new inhabitants of that galaxy far far
away that we will meet when the movie pre-
mieres, barring disaster, on May 17, 1980, in
London, and May 18 in the U.S. and Cana-
da. John Williams is writing a new music
score, and the new head of special effects is
Brian Johnson- � who worked on Alien and
Space: 1999. Originator George Lucas is ex-
ecutive producer this time; Gary Kurtz is
again producer, and Irvin Kershner, a new-
comer to the Star Wars empire, is the director.

Once a questioner gets past such dry pro-
duction details, however, and into more ex-
citing matters, he or she receives only wry
silent smiles from the knowledgeable few in
the Lucasfilm office. Cite "freedom of the
press" and the smiles turn to gleeful laughter.
Nobody's talking!

But Hollywood � home of the gossip col-
umn � is not known for its ability to keep
secrets. Rumors are flying; the air in Los
Angeles is positively smoggy with them.

Herewith set down, for your edification
and confusion, are the rampant and not-so-
rampant, consistent and inconsistent rumors
about the content and characters of The Em-
pire Strikes Back.

(We presented this compilation to an of-
ficial in the Lucasfilm office. He read it. His
assessment and comments conclude this
article.)

Take Obi Wan Kenobi, for instance. Did
he die or merely vanish in Star Wars? A good
many people claim to be sure that Alec Guin-
ness will appear in Empire as Obi Wan; they
say, variously, that:

� Only his disembodied voice will be there.

� He will appear in flashbacks.

� He appears as an ephemeral shape that
one can faintly see through. He dies yet again
and reappears in an even more transparent
form.

So many people believe it that it may well
be true that the hinted-at romantic triangle of
Luke, Leia and Han becomes a serious issue
in The Empire Strikes Back, and that it is
resolved once and for all.

They say that:

� Leia chooses Han Solo.

� Leia chooses Luke Skywalker.

� Leia runs off with Chewbacca. (At least
the Lucasfilm office had the kindness to flatly
refute this possibility.)

The most disquieting rumor (which was re-
ported in People Magazine) is that Han Solo
is killed in action � leaving the field clear for
Luke. But then, we've also heard that Mark
Hamill doesn't want to be in Star Wars 3 and
so Luke gets killed; or that both Luke and
Han die and the saga continues with either the
Princess or one of the new characters in the
lead.

The Millennium Falcon was constructed
full-size for Empire; it weighs 40 tons, stands
16 feet high and with its mandible stretches to
80 feet in length. Rumor has it that the gigan-
tic ship lifts off under its own power! (Outer
space shots will still use miniatures of the
ships.)

It seems that there are more rumors involv-
ing Han Solo than any of the other charac-
ters. Someone who claims to have read the
"final synopsis" of the script reports this:

Chewle Taken Prisoner

While on the ice planet, Hoth, our intrepid
Rebels are attacked by Stormtroopers. Al-
though the Rebels defeat the troopers, the
representatives of the Empire knock Chew-
bacca unconscious and take him away as their
prisoner. Although Leia insists that Chewie's
rescue must wait, that other Rebel business
must take precedence over an attempt, Han
defies the orders and takes off in the Falcon to
rescue his friend and co-pilot.

Someone else who claims to have read the
same "final synopsis" says no, that it is Han
Solo who is taken prisoner, not Chewbacca!

And wouldn't this be interesting. . . .

Near the climax, Han Solo crosses light
sabers with Darth Vader. Although Han
doesn't really know how to use the weapon,
he's doing fairly well when suddenly the light
beams are "fused" together and Han's and
Vader's "life forces" are intermingled. Luke
has a chance to come to the rescue � but if he
kills Vader, might he not kill his friend too?

One of the new characters in Empire is,
reportedly, a rogue named Lando Calrissian.
It is said, in various circles, that he is a good
guy, and that he is a bad guy. One intriguing
rumor has it that Calrissian is an old friend of
Han Solo and in fact is the man who sold Han
the Millennium Falcon. Even if that's true,
it's as likely that he's a villain as a hero, con-
sidering the ethical fences Han has been
known to straddle.

Another of the new characters has the evil-
smelling name of Boba Fett. They say he'll
rival Darth Vader for sheer terrorism. Ap-
parently, he's a remnant of the old Imperial
Shocktroopers � who once made the Storm-
troopers look like school-crossing guards.
Then others say:

No, he was never a Shocktrooper; he has
merely adopted their uniform as a symbol of
his nefarious purpose.

(You may have actually seen Boba Fett
before; he appeared with Darth Vader in the
Star Wars Holiday Special on CBS TV last
November.)

Boba Fett wears Wookiee scalps on his
shoulder! (Or, alternately, dangling from his
belt.)

The most interesting speculation about
Boba Fett is that he is a bounty hunter who
will work for whichever side pays him the
most, and he plays both sides when he can get
away with it.

Here's a rumor within a rumor: Boba Fett
will be played by one actor, and his voice will
be overdubbed by another � and even those
in the Lucasfilm office do not know who will
be dubbing the voice!

That's the method used with Darth Vader,
of course: His body was played by Dave
Prowse and his voice by James Earl Jones.
Which brings to mind another rumor � that
Dave Prowse will not be playing Vader in the
new movie. (Once again, Lucasfilm broke si-
lence to specifically deny this; Prowse is play-
ing Vader.)

Word has gotten around that the Emperor
will make an appearance in The Empire
Strikes Back. Equally persistent are the
rumors that he will be played by Orson
Welles. . . and by Christopher Lee.

One of the special-effects people told us he
knew for sure that neither the Emperor nor
Ben Kenobi would be in the picture � but
those fellows at the effects plant are cagey and
are no more to be trusted on such matters
than anyone else.

"Will the Real Darth . . . "

Occasionally one hears a little discontent
over the ending of Star Wars; some feel that it
would have been more satisfying if we had
seen a direct confrontation between Luke and
the man who killed his father� Darth Vader.
Perhaps it's just wishful thinking in opera-
tion, but it is strongly believed that Empire
concludes with a fierce light saber duel be-
tween Luke and Vader.

And more than once we've heard that it
turns out that Vader is really Luke's father!
Of course, we've also heard, from reliable
sources, that Ben Kenobi is really Luke's
father, and, from still other sources that Ben
killed Luke's father.

It has also been reported that in Empire we
learn considerably more about most of the
continuing characters � including why Darth
Vader wears that mask. We have also heard
that in one scene we see Vader without the
mask!

Chewbacca, C-3PO and R2-D2 have larger
roles in Empire than they had in Star Wars, it
is said.

Admittedly this next story doesn't sound
too likely, but according to one report:

Luke and C-3PO are captured by a horren-
dous alien (stop-motion animated, the story
goes) who dumps them into a tank-like prison
filled with a breathable liquid. The only way
the alien can be killed (shades of Dracula) is to
drive a metal stake through his heart. The on-
ly metal around, unfortunately, is C-3PO;
and Luke melts the 'droid down to fabricate
the weapon.

Apparently it is true that stop-motion
animation will be used much more extensively
in Empire than it was in Star Wars � where it
was used for the holographic creatures in the
chess-like "let the Wookiee win" game. Phil
Tippett and Jon Berg are reportedly the
animators in charge.

Finally, here is a grab-bag of miscellaneous
rumors � some absurd, some logical, none
confirmed or denied:

� The Millennium Falcon falls into a black
hole � with Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie and
Darth Vader aboard � and travels through
time.

� On a jungle planet, where Luke and Han
are seeking allies against the Empire, the two
enlist a race of winged aliens called the
Quarrels.

� There are creatures called the Quarrels,
but they are dolphin-like aquatic mammals.

� The Rebels visit three different planets in
Empire, and there are different races of in-
telligent creatures on each one.

� The Rebels visit three different planets,
but none have indigenous sentient life.

� Princess Leia is captured by Storm-
troopers and delivered to Darth Vader who,
by use of the Force, seduces her into be-
traying Luke and Han.

� The special-effects team at Industrial
Light and Magic, near San Francisco, have
been working on an experimental process
that uses holography and makes it possible
for an image of the Millennium Falcon to fly
off the screen and up the projection beam.

� In their travels, Luke, Leia and Han en-
counter a female villain, a sort of "Queen of
Outer Space' ' (who will not be played by Zsa
Zsa Gabor).

� Relating vaguely to that black hole
rumor, it is said that Han Solo and Chewie
land on a desert planet where they meet time
travelers from Earth's 13th century who are
trying to fight off Stormtroopers with
catapults and crossbows.

� Through the use of the Force, Luke per-
suades Darth Vader of the error of his ways
and convinces him to enlist with the Rebels
against the Empire.

It's a good six months before The Empire
Strikes Back reaches the movie theaters of the
world; and it's safe to assume that the
preceding batch of rumors is only the begin-
ning. Star Wars captured the imaginations of
millions, instantly, as no other film in history
has been able to do; and it seems almost un-
fair that so many of us have had to wait so
long to be once again immersed in � or hurled
into � that romantic and exciting world. We
can't just twiddle our mental thumbs, and
speculation and rumor-mongering seem bet-
ter than nothing.

The "Empire" Responds

We asked Craig Miller, a member of the
publicity department at Lucasfilm Ltd., to
look over the above, and to let us know how
we did as researchers. Well, Craig, what's our
score?� Ed.

Well, David, that's as interesting a bit of
rumor-mongering as I've seen in quite some
time. Seriously, though, you've done pretty
well � better than I had hoped you could do.
Of course, a fair percentage of the rumors
you list are incorrect, but there are four or five
that are accurate. Which ones they are will
have to be left as an exercise for your
readers� at least until the 21st of May, 1980.

While you came across a few rumors I
hadn't heard before (a Queen of Outer
Space?!?), there were a few your researchers
missed.

How about : Luke convinces Han to accept
the teachings of the Jedi, initiates him into the
ways of the Force and from that point on they
grow and learn together.

Or: The Millennium Falcon passes through
a time warp, and Luke, Han and Chewbacca
end up fighting in the Clone Wars, side by
side with Luke's father and Obi Wan Kenobi.

One fan magazine reported that the Em-
pire had invented a spy satellite that they use
to seek out Rebel bases, while another
reported that the Rebellion was using them to
eavesdrop on Imperial communications.

One columnist for a Hollywood trade
paper reported that rock star Mick Jagger
would be doing the score for The Empire
Strikes Back, while another announced that
Steven Spielberg would be directing the third
film in the Star Wars saga.

I think my current favorite concerns
Princess Leia's father. Of royal heritage, he is
the nephew of the Emperor, and, rather than
leading the Rebellion, he is actually a double
agent. Forewarned of the Death Star's attack
on Alderaan, he escaped and now sits in the
Emperor's court, advising him.

Of course, as with your sets of rumors, I
can't tell you which of these are accurate. I'm
afraid you'll just have to wait. But don't
worry, it'll be worth the wait.

https://www.inverse.com/article/15123-george-lucas-s-original-plans-for-star-wars-episode-vii-and-boba-fett-reve posted:

�Oh, they cared [about rumors],� he said, laughing. �We wrote a fake treatment for The Empire Strikes Back, and had just enough things people knew would be there - like that there would be an ice planet - and let it leak so there would be more rumors. And Starlog Magazine helped us. We gave them the earliest photos of The Empire Strikes Back, and they wrote an article saying �We don�t know what�s happening on Empire Strikes Back, but here�s a list of rumors we heard.� And it was a list that I compiled and gave them.�

Even George Lucas himself was tickled by the idea. �I showed it to George,� Miller recalled, �and he said �You should write more rumors!�� And that�s exactly what Miller did.

�What we did in the final article, it ran that piece with the rumors, and then it had a sidebar, which was a response from me as a rep of Lucasfilm,� Miller explained. �In it, I said some of the above was true, some wasn�t � we wouldn�t tell them which was which � and here are some more rumors that we�ve heard, that may or may not be true. At that point the only photo we released was Luke on the Tauntaun, but you only saw the Tauntauns neck and top part of its head.�

Those rumors were preserved online at Archive.org, and they�re very entertaining in retrospect; the lies include suggestions that Han Solo dies, Han becomes a Jedi, Leia chooses Luke, and the Millennium Falcon flies through a time warp back to the Clone Wars. But the Starlog column also hinted at Han�s deep freeze at the end of the film, revealed character of Lando Calrissian, and correctly described Boba Fett. So Miller wasn�t afraid to put some real spoilers in there.

That column contained one of the early public explanations of Fett, the bounty hunter, and his prominent place in the story points to what Miller says were Lucas�s original intentions for his epic saga.

�Originally Boba Fett was set up in Empire as a character, and the third movie�s plot was going to be more about Boba Fett rescuing Han Solo and all of that,� Miller revealed. �Boba was gonna be the main villain� That was set up, why he was taking Han Solo away, why there was a thing with him in the Christmas special.

�When George decided not to make a third trilogy, he completely jettisoned that story line, which is why in the first ten minutes, Boba Fett gets bumped into and falls into the mouth of a giant monster,� Miller added. �So he took what was planned for the third trilogy, which was the confrontation between Luke and Darth Vader, and the battle with the Emperor, and that got squished down from three movies to one movie. And that became the plot of Jedi.�

It�s a whopper of a revelation, and helps contextualize four decades of popular culture. Cinematic history was altered by Lucas�s personal fatigue, which came from a mix of dealing with the enormity of Star Wars, business issues, his own life, and the desire to make other sorts of films.

�At first there was one film, and then George originally announced that it was one of 12, and there were going to be 12, and then that changed to, oh there was never 12, there was only 9, and he was going to make 9,� Miller said. �And then during all of it, George kind of lost interest in continuing it� While we were working on The Empire Strikes Back, George decided he was going to complete the first film trilogy and that would be it.�

�And I remember sitting in a mixing room with George, working on Empire, and he told me he was just going to make the third movie, which didn�t have a title at that point, and then stop,� Miller continued. �He was going to retire from making big movies and make experimental movies. And that�s why the whole plot of the third movie, what became Return of the Jedi, completely changed.�

Lucas�s 15-year retirement from Star Wars didn�t do much to derail the enthusiasm of hardcore fans, who showed early on that they were very, very dedicated to the Galaxy far, far away. Miller remembers one of his better publicity coups, setting up an 800 number (1-800-521-1980, the film�s release date) that allowed fans to call in before Empire and hear little clues about the upcoming sequel, as recited by Luke, Leia, Han Solo, C-3PO and Darth Vader.

�There was no advertising; we talked about it at conventions, and Starlog ran a two paragraph announcement of it,� Miller recalled. �And with just that, we completely swamped the 800 system.�

AT&T forced Lucasfilm to buy more phone lines, cease their advertising (easy, since they weren�t doing any), and apologize to the public and other 800-number users. �That was great because now it was being carried all over the world that we were apologizing that Star Wars fans were so enthusiastic about seeing Empire that they swamped AT&T,� Miller said, laughing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ThGdJ9kfUw4

Not every display of fan zeal was as welcome � while Lucasfilm tried to look the other way when it came to fan fiction, it had to take a hard line against the increasing amount of sexually explicit slash fiction published in fan-zines but all told, Star Wars plans played nice and created the largest, most sprawling fan base in all of fiction.

Miller, who left Lucasfilm shortly after Empire hit theaters, has spent over 30 years as a consultant and working in animation, traveling the world and collaborating with legends like Jim Henson. But while he�s moved on, he still looks at the Star Wars fandom with a sense of accomplishment and joy.

�I�m proud of having been involved in something that�s become so iconic all over the world. I have a lot of friends who are like part of the 501st and that whole thing,� Miller said. �I grew up as a science fiction and comic book nerd, back when being one is looked down on, and now while there are still people who look down on science fiction fans as weird, I think they�re the same people who paint themselves blue for football games. Science fiction has become the accepted major genre. Every other movie, it seems, is either science fiction or fantasy or based on a comic book.�

# ? Oct 2, 2021 14:44

Arc Hammer: Mar 4, 2013; Got any deathsticks?

banned from Starbucks posted:

Wait what. I read that horrid poo poo series and I don't remember any of that.

You don't remember when Admiral ackbar retired in disgrace because he crashed a B Wing into a planet's sacred glass windchime tower?

Or when Luke had to complete a super Mario lava platforming section to convince a guy to join his Jedi school?

Or the time Mon Mothma was infected by a flesh eating bacteria during a meeting with an Imperial delegation that was held in an arboretum of carnivorous plants?

# ? Oct 2, 2021 15:30

fartknocker: Oct 28, 2012; Damn it, this always happens. I think I'm gonna score, and then I never score. It's not fair.; Wedge Regret

The Jedi Academy trilogy is batshit insane at times, but IMO they�re at least somewhat entertaining and fairly easy reads. Compare that to a bunch of other stuff that came out in the years after (The Callista trilogy, Crystal Star, Black Fleet Crisis) which at times are Passchendaele-level slogs to get through for big chunks of them.

# ? Oct 2, 2021 18:57

Hazo: Dec 30, 2004; SCIENCE

banned from Starbucks posted:

Wait what. I read that horrid poo poo series and I don't remember any of that.

The Jedi Academy trilogy is absolutely full of vividly described and wildly different thematic scenes that are somehow also very forgettable. For instance: I read it countless times growing up and I completely forgot that the blob races, the spider-walker assault on Leia's nanny (she was too busy doing space things to watch her kids I guess?), and the entire "Mon Mothma was poisoned for Reasons and Admiral Ackbar's neice or whatever has to Force-suck out each individual droplet of poison" subplot were all from the same trilogy.

# ? Oct 4, 2021 18:13

Arc Hammer: Mar 4, 2013; Got any deathsticks?

Han and Leia reading the Little Lost Bantha Cub to Jacen and Jaina for their bedtime nap.

Defeating Exar Kun with the power of friendship and Jacen holding up Luke's lightsaber as a two year old.

Mara Jade showing up for two seconds, looking at the academy and then says "lol I'm out" and bouncing away from the books altogether.

After the books came out Kyle Katarn was retconned into being one of the students, alongside Corran Horn. If Katarn actually was there he'd have probably punched the ghost.

# ? Oct 4, 2021 19:35

fartknocker: Oct 28, 2012; Damn it, this always happens. I think I'm gonna score, and then I never score. It's not fair.; Wedge Regret

A good chunk of I, Jedi is devoted to pointing out the issues at Luke�s academy.

# ? Oct 4, 2021 19:45

Robot Style: Jul 5, 2009

Corran Horn and the Methods of Rationality.

# ? Oct 4, 2021 20:08

karmicknight: Aug 21, 2011

Robot Style posted:

Corran Horn and the Methods of Rationality.

# ? Oct 4, 2021 21:31

SolarFire2: Oct 16, 2001; "You're awefully cute, but unfortunately for you, you're made of meat." - Meat And Sarcasm Guy!

Corran Horn and the Methods of Otterfucking.

# ? Oct 5, 2021 00:28

Defiance Industries: Jul 22, 2010; A five-star manufacturer

fartknocker posted:

A good chunk of I, Jedi is devoted to pointing out the issues at Luke�s academy.

When your trilogy is so badly written that even Stackpole can dunk all over you with impunity.

# ? Oct 7, 2021 02:32

Jazerus: May 24, 2011

you can make fun of him all you want but the zahn/stackpole/allston version of star wars was basically peak star wars

# ? Oct 7, 2021 02:37

ThisIsJohnWayne: Feb 23, 2007; Ooo! Look at me! NO DON'T LOOK AT ME!

Jazerus posted:

you can make fun of him all you want but the zahn/stackpole/allston version of star wars was basically peak star wars

Everyone doesn't appreciate pegging as much as you do buddy

# ? Oct 7, 2021 18:58

SlothfulCobra: Mar 27, 2011

Somebody laid this down in another thread, and it deserves to be here.

ninjahedgehog posted:

People talk a lot of poo poo about Darth Lightsaber Knees or otter loving or Waru, but this right here is the nadir of Legends (and I say this as someone who was overall a Legends fan)

Explainer for those who don't know -- in Dark Forces II: Jedi Knight, you fight a dark Jedi named Yun who's played by an Asian actor in the live-action cutscenes:

He's pretty forgettable in the larger EU overall, he later dies saving Kyle Katarn who then uses his yellow lightsaber for the rest of the game. At no point is there *ever* any indication he's anything but human, until a sourcebook later comes out that says actually he's a near-human species known as an Epicanthix. Human anatomy students might recognize this as very similar to the epicanthic fold, a feature of the eyelid that's typically associated with Asian people.

So yeah, there's a race of aliens in Legends EU that are human in every way except for the fact that they look Asian, which makes them just near-human. Insane that this was ever approved, at also that no point did anyone at Lucasfilm retcon it after the fact, even after actual EU authors pointed out that hey, this is kinda messed up.

Dan Wallace, prolific EU sourcebook author posted:
Whoa, I didn't realize that the name of the Epicanthix species was probably derived from epicanthic fold. That's...uncomfortable.

https://web.archive.org/web/2016051...31275924/page-2

# ? Oct 12, 2021 20:55

skasion: Feb 13, 2012; Why don't you perform zazen, facing a wall?

how the gently caress could anyone even tell he�s Asian? The Jedi Knight FMVs are like 320x240

# ? Oct 12, 2021 21:24

Fuligin: Oct 27, 2010; wait what the fuck??

Jazerus posted:

you can make fun of him all you want but the zahn/stackpole/allston version of star wars was basically peak star wars

hell ya brother

# ? Oct 12, 2021 22:45

Defiance Industries: Jul 22, 2010; A five-star manufacturer

Jazerus posted:

you can make fun of him all you want but the zahn/stackpole/allston version of star wars was basically peak star wars

Zahn and Allston, maybe.

# ? Oct 14, 2021 08:24

Arc Hammer: Mar 4, 2013; Got any deathsticks?

Oh poo poo I almost forgot about how Han takes Kyp Durron alpine skiing on Coruscant at the start of Dark Apprentice and they have to outrun an avalanche.

# ? Oct 15, 2021 17:30

Jazerus: May 24, 2011

Arc Hammer posted:

Oh poo poo I almost forgot about how Han takes Kyp Durron alpine skiing on Coruscant at the start of Dark Apprentice and they have to outrun an avalanche.

the whole "han acting like a rich awkward stepdad" thing with kyp is just weird as hell

# ? Oct 15, 2021 17:46

skasion: Feb 13, 2012; Why don't you perform zazen, facing a wall?

Defiance Industries posted:

Zahn and Allston, maybe.

Stackpole kind of sucks but he deserves big big credit for coming up with this

skasion posted:

Luke sold the burnt out husk of the Lars family farm to an alien named Throgg. Throgg was later dispossessed by Biggs Darklighter�s dad, who convinced the local authorities to pass a racist ballot initiative to expropriate him. Facts

# ? Oct 15, 2021 18:27

skasion: Feb 13, 2012; Why don't you perform zazen, facing a wall?

Jazerus posted:

the whole "han acting like a rich awkward stepdad" thing with kyp is just weird as hell

Everything about how the EU conceived of Han�s post war activities and relationship with Leia is at minimum weird and at best, completely insane. As depressing/dumb as the sequel take on that is, it is still an improvement

# ? Oct 15, 2021 18:33

Robot Style: Jul 5, 2009

Han Solo posted:

I've always dreamed of having a place of my own, and I figure it's about time Chewie and I built my dream sky house.

# ? Oct 15, 2021 18:37

Arc Hammer: Mar 4, 2013; Got any deathsticks?

Reading bedtime stories about a little lost Bantha cub to baby Jedi? Lame.

Winning a planet of bikini force witches riding Rancors in a card game before kidnapping your girlfriend and giving it to her as a present? Hell yeah.

# ? Oct 15, 2021 19:30

Up Circle: Apr 3, 2008

the dathomir back is complete and total nonsense but hell yes he won a planet in a card game and then had to do a toxic masculineity to get leia to marry him

# ? Oct 15, 2021 20:46

Hazo: Dec 30, 2004; SCIENCE

Up Circle posted:

the dathomir back is complete and total nonsense but hell yes he won a planet in a card game and then had to do a toxic masculineity to get leia to marry him

And it worked :c00lbert:

:c00lbert:

# ? Oct 15, 2021 21:54

Jazerus: May 24, 2011

Up Circle posted:

the dathomir back is complete and total nonsense but hell yes he won a planet in a card game and then had to do a toxic masculineity to get leia to marry him

what a man, solo

# ? Oct 15, 2021 22:13

Defiance Industries: Jul 22, 2010; A five-star manufacturer

Jazerus posted:

the whole "han acting like a rich awkward stepdad" thing with kyp is just weird as hell

The parts where Anderson tells us that Han is thinking about how cool Kyp is and how much he wants to be best friends with him is maybe the most pathetic thing I've ever seen in print. And I work at a newspaper.

# ? Oct 16, 2021 05:54

Cooked Auto: Aug 4, 2007; If you will not serve in combat, you will serve on the firing line!

Up Circle posted:

the dathomir back is complete and total nonsense but hell yes he won a planet in a card game and then had to do a toxic masculineity to get leia to marry him

Let's not forget about the date rape gun as well.

# ? Oct 16, 2021 14:25

skasion: Feb 13, 2012; Why don't you perform zazen, facing a wall?

Lol that Star Wars which already has magical mind control powers felt the need to come up with alternative sci fi date rape methods

Actually I�m not loling at all. That is hosed up

# ? Oct 16, 2021 15:05

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# ? Apr 29, 2024 12:03

Hazo: Dec 30, 2004; SCIENCE

Wasn't it not even subtly or creatively named, and it was literally called like THE GUN OF CONTROL or something?

Courtship was the first Star Wars novel I ever read and it really instilled in me at a very young age how loving weird the Star Wars EU was

# ? Oct 17, 2021 02:45

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