Hi everybody! Meet my roommate!

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > Hi everybody! Meet my roommate!

chrimbus granger: Jul 5, 2004; by Lowtax

UPDATES
Brian Shares His Thoughts on The Something Awful Community
http://media.putfile.com/Brian-Speaks-His-Mind
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anQnBs93EIg
http://kelleyvice.com/images/Interview.wmv
Brian's Martial Arts
http://youtube.com/watch?v=zy7IWZCECOA
The Bri-Fi Archive
http://admkyle.googlepages.com/

hello guys my names brian!!!

Hey guys! This is Brian, my roommate I am currently sharing a dorm room with for summer school classes. Brian is a really cool and interesting dude, with lots of talents and funny little "quirks." He would really like to get to know you guys, but first you guys should get to know him!

- Brian is 22 years old.

- Brian is from Prescott, Arizona.

- Brian is a Business major.

- On his myspace, under the "Who I'd Like To Meet" section he lists Weird Al, Linkin Park, Bill Engvall, Larry the Cable Guy, and Jeff Foxworthy. As you can tell, he is a big fan of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour...except for Ron White. His humor is too "out there" for Brian.

- Brian is really interested in stand up comedy. Here is a picture of Brian in his youth, on stage for the very first time!

thank you very much ladies and gents.

- Brian really likes anime and manga. He likes to sit around in his underwear and watch Yu-Gi-Oh. At night time, he wears a reading lamp strapped to his forehead and reads manga about magical japanese schoolgirls. He also does this in his underwear.

- Brian is a man of many talents who is just looking for love. Here's a quote from a myspace blog entitled "Keeping in touch . . . with reality? Get Real!"

quote:

How can a guy like me make it into the world where the only good talents he has is a wonderful music taste, computer game savvy, and a hobby short story writer? What can a guy like me do? Especially when he has dreams of becoming a part-time comic, a semi-known musician, and a guy who needs love from a girl?

just a guy who needs love from a girl

- His musical taste is indeed quite wonderful. Some of his favorite musicians include Linkin Park, Weird Al, Garth Brooks, Everclear, Hoobastank, and Sum 41. He also owns all of the soundtracks to the Mortal Kombat movies.

- Brian is an excellent dancer, specializing in "swing dancing" and his own style of Martial Arts influenced dance he calls "Mortal Kombat" dancing. When he swing dances, he has the beautiful grace of a retarded child having a seizure in slow motion. His "Mortal Kombat" dancing involves assuming random martial arts positions to the Mortal Kombat theme while breathing heavily and staring at me.

- Brian really likes to stare at me. Sometimes, out of the blue, he will start playing a Linkin Park song at high volume on his laptop and stare at me. I can see him staring at me from my peripherals and try to pretend I don't notice his gaze. This does not work. When I finally make eye contact he doesn't say a word and just turns back to his computer screen.

- One time I went shopping at Target with Brian to pick up some supplies for our room. At the check out line, he was visibly upset and his eyes were blood shot. I asked him what was the matter. He replied, "Later tonight...I think I will go to Walmart. I need to get something to help me sleep. I need to buy...some WINE COOLERS."

- Brian really likes the game Magic: The Gathering. He has over "5,000 cards" and has "no intention of stopping!" I asked him if the ladies like guys who play magic. He stared off in the distance and told me, "Sometimes, I wish I could find a girl who plays Magic." Here is a picture of him holding up some of his favorite cards.

i am gathering up the magic. also you better be skateboardin or im gonna arrest you

- Unlike most people, Brian is unable to sense when he is about to fart, and will do so at random times. One time when I was sitting on the computer, he walked by and farted in my face! I asked him why he did this and he responded, in an angry and loud tone, "SOMETIMES UNEXPECTED THINGS HAPPEN, OK?!?!"

- Brian also likes to leave poo poo stains on the toilet seat. He has done this at least 3 times. I asked him, "Brian, why do you keep leaving poo poo on the loving toilet seat?!" He responded, "Whoa! Whoa! WHOA! Ok, I admit that I do leave some on the toilet at times. But I NEVER LEFT IT ON THE FLOOR!" I never said anything about a floor.

- Brian can phase in and out through different dimensions. The time space continuum is his BITCH.

now u see me, now u don't

- Brian is a big fat gently caress

- Brian likes to smear peanut butter on chocolate chip cookies and eat them.

- Brian really loves Jackie Chan movies. He plays Rush Hour 2 about two or three times a week, replaying his favorite scenes over and over again. Thanks to Brian, I have most of the movie memorized, and can recite certain scenes verbatim.

- Brian loves kids.

why do you look so uncomfortable little one

- One time Brian went to take a shower, and forgot to get a towel. He ran into the room at lightning speed naked to go get one.

- Brian is quite the talented author, and has posted some of his work on his myspace. Here's a short story of his he is currently working on entitled "Computer Love."

quote:

Even after the three years after working on it, I can say my greatest achievement seemed to be just perfect. A home-brewed A.I. (Artificial Intelligence) program on my personal computer made me feel just awesome. Of course, �she� helped out a lot.

Yeah, �she.� The AI program I rendered initially was to be a guy but I figured that a girl would be a whole lot better for me. My decision was easily helped by my parents support. Thanks to them, I managed to get the entire house computerized. And since I made a special network that allowed her to travel to any part of the house with her will, she seems not only a protector but a friend.

I think the only bad thing about her is that she really doesn�t have a name except a program name. Her program number is AI-12. Not exactly the twelfth AI program I made but it was the twelfth modification. But I have thought about calling her Melissa. There will be consequences if I gave her the name of the girl I modeled her after. I will have to be careful.

I have currently nicknamed her �Twelve.� To make sure she will accept, even though she was programmed with a feedback function that I got from a friend overseas, I had to ask her myself. �Program AI-12, I�m still here. I need to talk to you,� I said.

As she popped onto the screen, there she was; a beautiful girl standing replying, �Yes, Brian-san. What do you need?�

I have no problems against her calling me Brian-san, since I did create her. I said, �I know you have a program name, but I seem to have trouble coming up with a real name for you. But I believe I did come up with a nickname for you.�

�That�s great! What did you decide?� she asked in that sweet tone of hers.

�How about I call you Twelve until we decide to give you a real name?� I asked.

�That is perfectly fine, Brian-san,� she replied. �What made you decide on that?�

�Well, it is your program number,� I replied. �It�s hard to call you AI-12. So I decided to call you Twelve. Do you have any objections?�

She simply smiled and said, �Nope. No objections.� She took a moment to sigh and asked, �Otherwise, Brian-san, how is your day going?�

I smiled as I know that a girl like her would be out of my league but she keeps me company. I replied, �It�s going pretty good. I had a slow day, though.�

�Oh, before we continue, Brian-san, you just received an email from Koichi Tokugawa,� she said.

Ah, it�s him. If it wasn�t for Koichi, Twelve�s feedback function would have been a simple idea. �Very well, Twelve,� I said. �Can you open it for me?�

As she complied with my request, Koichi asked about my AI�s progress. �Twelve, can you get a blank email ready to be filled?� I asked.

�Sure thing,� she said. �What would you like to say?�

I smiled and said, �First, address it to Koichi Tokugawa. And in the body, write on it what I say. �Program AI-12 is going perfectly fine. Her feedback function is working flawlessly, thanks to you. I must thank you greatly. No name is currently given but we have decided to nickname her Twelve because of her current modification number.

��So how�s your AI going? I�ll bet anything you went female yourself. Can you send me a pic of your AI? I�ll send a pic of Twelve.� Finish with my usual ending signature, Twelve. Still photo yourself and attach it to the email,� I instructed.

�Done, Brian-san,� Twelve said. �Ready to send the email?�

I nodded and said, �Please do. It means nothing if I keep an email originally written for Koichi.�

She chuckles and said, �Very true.�

After sending the email, Twelve looks at me and said, �Continue with your story.�

I smiled and told her everything that happened today. �I see. So you had a pretty long day. You have my sympathy, Brian-san,� she said. �but . . .�

�But what, Twelve?� I asked.

�If I can make one wish, that would be a real girl and keep you even more company and give you even more sympathy,� she said.

Whoa. Even I am still impressed at how realistic Twelve has gotten over the past few years. �I don�t know how you got that thought, Twelve, but I am proud to say at how realistic you have gotten in the past three years and twelve modifications,� I said. �You are undoubtedly an excellent friend to have, even if you are a computer program.�

�Thanks, Brian-san,� she said. �That means a lot.�

Even though she has been rendered and designed, I imagined what it would be like if she really was real. Oh man! I would be the envy of the friends in my circle. �Oh dear. It�s close to ten o�clock, Brian-san,� she said. �You should get some sleep. Tomorrow�s your competition.�

That�s right. The Magic the Gathering� tournament country finals at my college. I have waited for this day.

After waking up from Twelve�s excellent alarm clock, I went out and arrived at the college for my tournament. After a gruesome eight hours at the college, I arrived home with the title of 2008 United States Pro Tour champion. �Twelve!� I yelled.

My parents asked, �What do you mean, Brian?�

Oh, that�s right. I forgot to tell them about her nickname. �Well, I decided to give my AI a nickname of Twelve,� I said. �Since I don�t have a good name for her anyway.�

My parents nodded and I yelled again, �Twelve! Where are you?�

Her face popped up on the special TV screen I developed. �Hey, Brian-san! How did the tournament go?� she asked.

�Say hello to the 2008 United States Pro Tour champion!� I said.

�Congratulations, Brian!� my mom said.

�You were right, Brian,� my dad said. �Perhaps that is your knack.�

�I�m so proud of you, Brian-san,� Twelve said. �Which deck did you use to win?�

�My Pow-Red deck,� I replied. �A legitimate deck and rained supreme as the instrument of my new title.�

After a glorious day, I went downstairs and rested. As I laid down on my bed, Twelve came on the screen right next to my bed. �I am so proud of you, Brian-san. You have trained that deck for so long,� she said.

I chuckled and said, �To be perfectly honest, if it weren�t for you, my deck would get creamed every time. Your deck analyzer is just perfect.�

After thinking about the three years that I spent to make Twelve perfect, I put on my headphones and asked, �Hey, Twelve. Can you turn on my Windows Media Player and playlist DRJ84?�

�Sure thing,� she said.

After doing what I asked of her, she glances at me and says, �You do recall that your Dance of the Machines is my favorite song?�

I smiled and replied, �Of course, I recall. Besides, I seem to recall that you liked Sleep in Peace even more?�

As we exchanged quips at each other, I continue looking at her and seeing a huge resemblance to a girl I once knew. After she sent her last photo, I lost contact with her. I modeled Twelve after her in my haste. I kept a secret from Twelve; if she ever became real, I would definitely name her Melissa.

After listening to some music that I wrote and composed, Twelve asks, �Is there anything else you require of me, Brian-san?�

�Just one, Twelve. Amplify the VRAM to maximum and execute Dance eJay 6,� I replied. �I have an idea for a new song.�

I have been composing some music as a hobby as I did on my stories. However, I have paid a little more attention to my music than I used to. I guess it is only natural for being the only musician in the family. I have no idea how I got the idea of becoming a musician got into my brain but helps balance out my logical brain to nice equal weight. Oh well.

As I selected samples to play as the beats, Twelve pops up in her own window and said, �That is a neat beat, Brian-san. I suggest adding some sound that resembles the sound of a beat of a dragon�s wings. Add some color to the composition overall.�

I smiled and said, �That is a good idea, Twelve. Thanks. I may be a music composition student but I do know the elements of a good song.�

Well, I think my roommate is a pretty talented and cool guy. I hope you enjoyed meeting him as much as much as he enjoyed meeting you. Always remember to "amplify the VRAM to maximum" when you want to execute Dance eJay 6. See you around guys!

hello ladies. goodbye ladies. lets hang out again

chrimbus granger fucked around with this message at 00:16 on Jun 29, 2006

# ? Jun 27, 2006 09:58

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 12:20

Parlett316: Dec 6, 2002; Jon Snow is viciously stabbed by his friends in the night's watch for wanting to rescue Mance Rayder from Ramsay Bolton

Brian should talk to Ghost.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:00

M3wThr33: Sep 4, 2004; I gave up long ago trying to contribute anything ever.

This is sadistic.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:02

Evil Agita: Feb 25, 2005; Lord Fool, give me another chance. I'll prove my strength to you!

He seems like a cool guy.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:03

Milligans pants: Jan 12, 2005; budget shoggoth

Brian looks like a business major.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:03

The Royal Nonesuch: Nov 1, 2005

His shoes are pretty fresh.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:04

Steelies: Mar 11, 2006; by elpintogrande

He sounds like a goon. He'll be sad when he reads this.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:04

AnarchicBunny: Jul 24, 2003

Brian wrote Brian fan-fiction. Is that allowed?

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:05

Lutherous: Jun 7, 2006; by Ozma

Brian should fight Ghost for who is the most bizarre and quirky person we goons can dig up.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:05

SenatorIvy: Mar 1, 2003; Bush lied, Kentucky Fried.

The horror. The horror.

Parlett316 posted:

Brian should talk to Ghost.

Please don't insist.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:05

ToiletDuk: Sep 4, 2002; That's right, fat stuff.
Shake those chins!

Man, Fire Elemental is so 1993. Brian should totally get some newer Magic cards. Now they've got super premium foil inserts! He should be totally excited about that.

The real question, though, is what action of Brian's was the last straw that got you to post this highly informative dossier?

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:05

zee is zae: Nov 7, 2004; (Don't run away, it's only me)

You know...He watches you sleep.

You must know this.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:06

Indian War Chief: Oct 4, 2003; by Lowtax

You know, DukeOfPhilipII did this and discovered his roommate was a goon :wth:

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:07

chrimbus granger: Jul 5, 2004; by Lowtax

ToiletDuk posted:

The real question, though, is what action of Brian's was the last straw that got you to post this highly informative dossier?

it was definately today when he left a poo poo stain on the toilet seat for the third time and didn't wipe it up

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:07

FetusSlapper: Jan 6, 2005; by exmarx

He seems like a typical nerd. Maybe you should help him improve himself instead of being passive agressive by posting internet slander.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:07

criscodisco: Feb 18, 2004; do it

Brian doesn't look that fat. Perhaps you should steal his towel while he's in the shower and be ready with your camera on "sports" mode.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:07

Chopper: Feb 13, 2006

criscodisco posted:

Brian doesn't look that fat. Perhaps you should steal his towel while he's in the shower and be ready with your camera on "sports" mode.

Because he wants pictures of a naked fat guy?

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:08

Potemkin: Sep 22, 2005; Catherine I can't say I approve of the amount of time you're spending in the stables...

The best part about this is I can imagine you getting annoyed with him and then pretending to befriend him for months. "Quick, do your Mortal Kombat dancing," "Lemme see one of your short stories," all the while thinking about the post you're gonna make on somethingawful. The really sad part is that I'm sure he honestly thinks your his friend.

Oh man, I love Brian, please, please update us, I want pictures of him dancing.

Edit: And can someone tell me how you get shitstains on a toilet seat? What is he doing, hovering like hell or just squirming around the seat?

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:08

midge: Mar 15, 2004; World's finest snatch.

He seems like he's keeping himself occupied with things that he enjoys, while you just write about him. You rule.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:08

angrykid: Apr 9, 2006; My puppy progeny will prove themselves well-trained, classy, and dignified.

I had a calculus class full of Brians. All the women were lucky to have gotten away unmolested.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:08

GlazedMcGuffin: Jan 26, 2004

I don't know; Brian sounds pretty awesome:

Verbal posted:

One time when I was sitting on the computer, he walked by and farted in my face! I asked him why he did this and he responded, in an angry and loud tone, "SOMETIMES UNEXPECTED THINGS HAPPEN, OK?!?!"

Also:

FetusSlapper posted:

Maybe you should help him improve himself instead of being passive agressive by posting internet slander.

Internet libel!

GlazedMcGuffin fucked around with this message at 10:11 on Jun 27, 2006

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:09

BeigeJacket: Jul 21, 2005

I'm guessing that Brian has that nerd voice where it is kinda husky and high pitched at the same time.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:09

bucksmash: Mar 11, 2002

AnarchicBunny posted:

Brian wrote Brian fan-fiction. Is that allowed?

Brian wrote Brian fan-fiction involving an AI program named Twelve and secretly wishes to turn into a real girl. Then he attends a Magic tournament.

If there's more, you must post it. I'm feeling masochistic.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:09

Halfhearted Boner: Oct 18, 2004; porno stunt man

Are you just asking for internet detective to find Brian and give him a link to the thread?

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:10

autoaim.cfg: Aug 6, 2005; WHINY SHITHEAD
*drops mic*

Verbal posted:

- Brian really likes to stare at me. Sometimes, out of the blue, he will start playing a Linkin Park song at high volume on his laptop and stare at me. I can see him staring at me from my peripherals and try to pretend I don't notice his gaze. This does not work. When I finally make eye contact he doesn't say a word and just turns back to his computer screen.

This is why you should sleep with one eye open and a hammer underneath your pillow from now on. If you sense that someone is close to your bed at 03:00, slide your hand underneath your pillow and come out swinging. Dont stop until you hear a few wet crunch noises. You will thank me when you see the ballgag, handcuffs and pliers fall to the floor out of his limp hand.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:10

danifestmestny: Jun 11, 2003; Lincecum, Cain, and pray for rain

I'd do her.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:10

chrimbus granger: Jul 5, 2004; by Lowtax

FetusSlapper posted:

He seems like a typical nerd. Maybe you should help him improve himself instead of being passive agressive by posting internet slander.

Everytime I try to let him know he is being creepy and weird he gets very defensive and starts yelling crazy nonsense at me. He doesn't look that fat in the pictures but I would assume he has at least 70-80 pounds on me. I don't want to provoke him because he could crush me.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:11

miss_chaos: Apr 7, 2006

So he seems like a cool-ish guy...

Surely there's a "last straw" reason as to why you posted this, to justify the nastiness. I can't imagine him finding out about this would be good for your roommate relationship. He looks like the kinda guy who could kill you in ways you haven't even heard of yet.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:12

criscodisco: Feb 18, 2004; do it

Chopper posted:

Because he wants pictures of a naked fat guy?

Maybe not everything is about him, eh?

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:13

Gabriel Grub: Dec 18, 2004

Maybe you should teach him how to use a toilet?

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:13

ToasterThief: Jun 1, 2001; Let's all just get along.

He lacks the neckbeard, though, that essential goon fashion statement.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:14

Cy: Jul 24, 2004; by Tiny Fistpump

Ahahaha holy poo poo. Threads like these make me fear the roommate I'll get in September, but I'm assuming these guys are rare. Right? RIGHT?

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:14

Deus Ex Macklemore: Jul 2, 2004; Zelensky's Zealots

-The worst thing about Brian is his passive-agressive roomie who can't get anyone else to live with him because of his foul disposition and stinky feet.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:14

Lutherous: Jun 7, 2006; by Ozma

I think this thread is going to go in one of two directions.

1) We Goons are going to relentlessly attack this poor man on the forums.

2) We Goons will try to help this poor man better himself.

I am really torn on which one I want to choose.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:15

Potemkin: Sep 22, 2005; Catherine I can't say I approve of the amount of time you're spending in the stables...

Psi posted:

Ahahaha holy poo poo. Threads like these make me fear the roommate I'll get in September, but I'm assuming these guys are rare. Right? RIGHT?

Unfortunately, there's one of these at every school. Even more unfortunately, that's always your roommate.

Edit:

Lutherous posted:

I think this thread is going to go in one of two directions.

1) We Goons are going to relentlessly attack this poor man on the forums.

2) We Goons will try to help this poor man better himself.

I am really torn on which one I want to choose.

I vote one, on the grounds that it will be funnier. Although I feel like a bad person now.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:16

SenatorIvy: Mar 1, 2003; Bush lied, Kentucky Fried.

At least he's being realistic here; 12 is pretty low-tier.

Flyinglemur posted:

-The worst thing about Brian is his passive-agressive roomie who can't get anyone else to live with him because of his foul disposition and stinky feet.

Is declaring passive aggresiveness the new declaring misogyny?

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:16

chrimbus granger: Jul 5, 2004; by Lowtax

Flyinglemur posted:

-The worst thing about Brian is his passive-agressive roomie who can't get anyone else to live with him because of his foul disposition and stinky feet.

no i think its because he leaves poo poo stains on the toilet seat

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:16

SenatorIvy: Mar 1, 2003; Bush lied, Kentucky Fried.

With the stereotype, apparently a lot of people think leaving poo poo on the seat is normal.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:17

Lollerich: Mar 25, 2004; The little doctors are back,
they want to play with you!

I knew there was something missing in my life. Now, I know that it is ok to write fan-fiction about yourself. I've always been a great fan of myself.

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:18

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 12:20

PokeJoe: Aug 24, 2004; hail cgatan

Verbal posted:

no i think its because he leaves poo poo stains on the toilet seat

At least it isn't the floor :v:

# ? Jun 27, 2006 10:18

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