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  • Locked thread
SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Paladinus posted:

Fire That Burns.
Based on a Russian folklore tale.
(100 words)


An old bear has nothing to live for, that's what they say. But what escape do I have? I'm a bear, the king of the woods. And no other bear will ever raise their paw against an elder. For months now I wonder around the forest in hopes that a falling tree breaks my neck. No such luck.

Human. Human is my only chance. I go out on their grey longpath, but there are no humans around. Only a burning car. I open the door, get inside and fire consumes me. I'm a bear that died in a burning car.
Приемлемый эта

SurreptitiousMuffin fucked around with this message at Jul 14, 2014 around 09:47

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Paladinus
Jan 11, 2014



SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Приемлемый эта

As God is my witness, Muffin, if I didn't know any better, I'd totally call you out on your lovely attempt at Russian.

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

I am doing crits in google docs. The scores are initial impressions and are subject to change based on how good/bad everything is. Winners/losers for each brawl will be decided based on all three judges, so even if the score you see on here beats your opponent, don't assume you won!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...yWU4zvwc1w/edit

PoshAlligator
Jan 9, 2012

When SEO just isn't enough.


systran posted:

I am doing crits in google docs. The scores are initial impressions and are subject to change based on how good/bad everything is. Winners/losers for each brawl will be decided based on all three judges, so even if the score you see on here beats your opponent, don't assume you won!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...yWU4zvwc1w/edit

I'm also judging this week and will also be working on them in a Google Doc throughout the day. However, while I have an idea of the scores while writing, I will not be releasing any of them publicly until I've read all the stories. However you'll probably get a good sense based on what I've written about them.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

Gau
Nov 18, 2003

I don't think you understand, Gau.


I just want to say that you guys are awesome for releasing this stuff in real time.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

leekster didn't post his story in time, so he fails.

No loving extensions. I gave one to one person who posted before the deadline because i wanted everybody to have a brawl partner, but luckily all the people who failed to submit were against each other. I guess i paired them up really well.

You should still submit, but you are disqualified from this round.

Number 36
Jul 5, 2007

Keep it up, kid! Gimmie a smoochie smooch!

Thanks for the critiques, you two are very quick.

My opponent never showed, such a shame

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

Number 36 posted:

Thanks for the critiques, you two are very quick.

My opponent never showed, such a shame

You are fighting Anomalous Blowout now, one of the Mercenaries that your team so graciously hired.

here's my crit document, and i'm also leaving the scores out until the end.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

crabrock fucked around with this message at Jul 14, 2014 around 16:12

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


WHERE IS BEAR STORY.

СУКИ! ИДИОТЫ! НЕ НА ХУЙ!

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


Breaking and Entering
(100)

As soon as we saw the open door, we knew something was amiss. A broken chair and trudge up the stairs later, Junior found the girl in his bed. She was out cold and snoring--snoring!--with the cream from his breakfast porridge still on her pink lips, the bedsheets mussed under her stocking feet.

The story says she woke up, saw our family, and screamed and ran off. But the truth is that a growing cub needs his food and small children are very easily stopped with a paw swipe.

We made sure Junior didn't go without his breakfast.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

This was the prompt:

Tyrannosaurus posted:

A Song of Natty Ice and Fire

Bad Seafood. SurreptitiousMuffin. You two are fine, upstanding gentleman of class and sophistication so I'm lobbing you softballs and expecting homeruns. I want some stories about Greek letter fraternity men. More specifically, I want epic tales of frat guys heroically fighting the evil dominions of... whatever...

You can give me all the violence, sex, and moral ambiguity you want but let's get two things straight: 1) the frat guys are the good guys here and 2) I want you to avoid sterotypes as much as possible. I know goons have a tendency to hate this group but you're gonna liken them into heroes of old. If you try and get cute with this prompt you're gonna end up with an ugly side of me.

Both of you embraced stereotypes instead of avoiding them.

Both of you wrote "funny" entries that didn't super amuse me.

Seafood wrote about a couple assholes destroying aliens with rock'n'roll. Muffin reskinned a goofy pool party noodle fight into Homer's The Trojan War. Seafood gave me a better fight against evil. Muffin gave me better heroes.

Here are my notes
https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

Here is my judgement
Muffin wins

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


Looks like it's time for a brawl results double feature. Or triple feature I guess since T-rex posted while I had this tab open.

Cash Grab

Gau posted:

A Reward for the Righteous

Cache Cab posted:

Title: Playing Dirty and Getting Away With It
So a couple weeks ago I asked the two of you for moral victories at the expense of material ones. Gau wrote about a religious lawman whose moral convictions end with his life. Cache Cab wrote about a paper-thin moron whose abject stupidity ruins his career. He also posted late, but let's not muddle the issue. It's not like posting on time would've saved you.

Cache Cab's James Grovin is an idiot. What's more, he's a dull idiot. A dull idiot not one of his presumably many friends is willing to defend against slander, though why even bother if he won't defend himself? Dispelling lies with proof isn't taking the low road, nor is calling a liar a liar. Speaking of liars, yours is nothing but. He's cartoonishly evil, his platform is nonexistent beyond badmouthing his competitors. A joyless read, all around.

Gau's Isaac fairs a bit better, though in a few ways that's strictly a comparative statement. He certainly picked an odd line of work for man who refuses to kill even in self-defense (or hypothetically in defense of another). Not even willing to shoot to wound - though apparently fine with putting things out of their misery. It could be argued he's about as much an idiot as Cache Cab's senator, but the key difference here is he's actually a person. A person with standards and convictions believably at cross-purposes. We don't know enough about his quarry to say the same - whether he's a person or not - but we know just enough to imagine there's more to his story.

Writing-wise, Gau still has Cache Cab beat. Cache Cab's prose is competent but does nothing to salvage his thoroughly dull characters. You could gut half this story's word count and lose nothing. Gau's prose, meanwhile, sets up a lot of powerful details in a short amount of time. The opening in particular. It's a very respectable piece.

Gau wins, if you didn't guess that already. Stone cold.

The Boys in Black and Blue

Mercedes posted:

Lady Luck: The Fickle One
This one was a bit trickier to call. Both your stories were reasonably enjoyable; both had an arc, and both hit the prompt. One of you did a slightly better job, but we'll get to that in a moment. First some one on one.

Mercedes' action-packed submission hit a lot of high notes. His heroes are heroes, but also still flawed. His protagonist McCallister steals the whole show. Unfortunately for Mercedes, stealing is a crime. A buddy cop routine is a two-man gig. Brennen gets lip service. He's barely consequential. There's also the white cop black cop dynamic, which you don't really capitalize on. Neither character's ethnic background matters. There's no ethnic border they help each other over.

Back at the Batcave, Nethilia actually took a big risk in going for a slow burn. Buddy cop stories are typically flanked by big action, and while a quiet simmer is usually more my thing, I was a little disappointed that you didn't let your hair down and get wild. Your story ends up being more of a pressure cooker than an explosion, its meat and potatoes drenched in exposition gravy. Negatives aside, however, your partners work well together. They both have ethnic identities that define them without dominating them, and overcome their differences to become a killer team.

Picking a favorite here is difficult. Merc's story nails the spirit of the genre, but Neth gets closer to the nature of its heart. Merc's story is a lit fuse while Neth's is a calculated boil. As harsh as it is, I have to give it to Neth.

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

duckyb's crit is now added to my googledoc since I overlooked his/her entry before.

also is synirc/mibbit not working for anyone else, cause I haven't been able to connect for the past day or two.

angel opportunity fucked around with this message at Jul 14, 2014 around 23:30

a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly


systran posted:


also is synirc/mibbit not working for anyone else, cause I haven't been able to connect for the past day or two.

Not working here either. I downloaded hexchat and had to reteach myself to IRC.

Thalamas
Dec 5, 2003

Sup?

Last crit for Gau

Gau posted:

A Reward for the Righteous (810 words)

The wind blew hot and dry across Isaac’s face, and God spoke to him - not as a booming voice in the sky, but as a quiet whisper in his heart. Oh my. With eyes closed and lips animated in prayer, he heard his Father’s voice as the ineffable knowledge of what was right and wrong in this wicked world.

“Amen,” said Isaac. He was kneeling knelt at the top of a knobby hill; sandy scrublands stretched in every direction, backed by increasingly impressive mountains. Nice setting. Isaac stood and pulled the hobble from his horse. Swinging a leg over, he gazed across the desert and saw a rising cloud of dust riding away at a hard run. Clouds of dust do not ride, good sir.

A man named Harcourt had shot two gamblers and a working woman in a tavern in Fort Hall. He’d stolen a horse and fled as fast as the nag would carry him. When Isaac rode out the next morning, he followed a steady Cut this or find another word. trail leading south toward Utah. In Salt Lake, the badge on his vest wasn’t worth a hunk of tin. Because of Mormon country? Is he a local sheriff? Also, wouldn’t it be worth exactly a hunk of tin?

Isaac sang as he spurred his thoroughbred on down the hill:

Well you may throw your rock and hide your hand,
Working in the dark against your fellow man.
But as sure as God made black and white
What's done in the dark will be brought to the light.

You can run on for a long time,
Run on for a long time,
Run on for a long time…
Sooner or later, God will cut you down.
I do love me some Johnny Cash.

Harcourt nearly made the mountains before his horse lolled Doesn’t fit, especially with the mount screaming in the next sentence. and fell over into the brush. Harcourt’s stout, bow-legged shadow walked away from the screaming mount. Isaac was surprised Telling. You can make this better anyway. that the outlaw’s third-rate quarter had made it this far; his own horse was covered in foamy sweat. No longer in need of a hurrying, Isaac reined her back to a walk.

The spent horse brought Isaac a to a moment of pause. Its breath came in ragged, painful gasps. Blood poured out from the spur-cuts on its flanks. Harcourt had left this poor animal to die in the hot sun when a single bullet would have ended its suffering. It was a monstrous creature indeed that would murder three people in cold blood, but left a stolen nag in agony to save a bullet. The observation made by Isaac is clean piece of writing. The lead up to it is slightly overwrought.

Isaac cocked his pistol and took deliberate, slow aim at the creature’s head. The shot echoed off the foothills and across the flats. Harcourt started and began to Don’t begin to do things, just do them. You know, like the Nike motto. sprint away.

Isaac spurred his horse into action. Like an avalanche gaining on an unfortunate traveler, the marshal rode the murderer down. Harcourt tried to juke and cut, but Isaac just circled around him. At ten paces, Isaac halted and brandished his revolver.

“Right there is just fine, Harcourt,” he called. “Get those hands up.”

Harcourt raised his palms next to his chest and turned around.

“All the way up,” said Isaac. He slid off the horse, his boots drawing up a puff of dust.

Harcourt’s scarred, wicked Wicked numero dos, amigo. It can work, but I don’t love it here. face twisted into a smile. “I’ve heard ‘bout you, lawman,” he said. “Says you ride hard, but you ain’t got guts to kill a man.”

“You do as I say,” Isaac said, “and we I like the we. Makes it feel like the truth. won’t have to find out.” The smile on Harcourt’s face faded, but didn’t disappear.

Isaac felt the pull of the Enemy on his soul. Some part of him wanted to shoot this man, to have it out here and now. Just a squeeze of the trigger and Isaac could drag the body back behind his horse, instead of escorting him back to Fort Hall for three days or more. He’d sign the papers, claim his reward, and no one would miss a thing. Good old fashioned dead or alive, eh?

It wouldn’t be justice, though. Isaac was a man of the law, but he was no judge. He had no God-given right to name himself executioner. The voice of God whispered: Thou shalt not kill. drat it, Gau.

Isaac pulled the hammer back. “Get those hands up right-”

Harcourt’s iron leapt out of his holster like a snake striking at the air. It was all impossibly fast; Isaac never heard the shot. There was a flash, and hot iron lead burned in his chest. Blood dripped from the hole in his heart as he fell to one knee. In the distance, Why is his horse distant before it runs away? his horse ran into the brush, spooked by the shot.

His crooked smile back in force, Harcourt took a few steps forward and placed his boot in the center of Isaac’s chest. “Thought so,” he said, pushing Isaac over his legs onto his back Awkward phrasing, but I like the imagery. in the dirt. Harcourt laughed and spit, stomping off after Isaac’s horse.

Isaac’s breath was gone, but his voice mouthed a prayer. Even as his life faded and a murderer rode off on his horse, he said the words. They were the only justice he knew.

Said the words? What words?!?

Your title and first line combination are interesting, but nothing happens in the first paragraph. You make up for this throughout the story by creating a classic western setting, a pair of believable characters, and a story with no major flaws. You fulfill the prompt admirably; a bad man not only wins, he gets a drat fine horse in the bargain. Poor Isaac becomes another sacrifice on the altar of the Lord. It’s eminently believable with some good imagery throughout (Harcourt as a dust cloud/shadow, Isaac as an avalanche).

That said, if we’re talking Ten Commandments, there is specifically no prohibition on killing people who have committed certain crimes (i.e., murder). Additionally, since the reward (issued by a judge) states it can be fulfilled even if the killer is dead, the marshal appears to authorized to execute the killer if necessary. As a result, the moral victory is slightly hollow to me. Change those two things and this would have a much better punch.

I have an exercise for you. Go through the story, find the word “was” throughout the narrative, and reword the sentences so that it is no longer there. It’s not always better, but it certainly is most of the time. Less passive, more active.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

RESULTS FOR THUNDERDOME 101



TEAM OCK wins by a loving landslide. Jeebus. 7-4. It's like Brazil vs. Germany all over again.

I don't feel like writing up a bunch of fancy poo poo so i'm just going to lay this poo poo out:

Winner: Tyrannosaurus. You have a very interesting story that I would like to read more of. It wasn't perfect, but it was entertaining, not about some dead brother/sister/lover, and made me actually care what happened to the character.

Honorable Mentions: Ironic Twist, Sitting Here, God Over Djinn, Noah

Loser: Jesus Christ Mercedes. What the hell were you thinking? You submitted a paltry 450 words that were laden with racism and not-funny jokes. Furthermore, it was about a divorce. You were the only person that didn't even PRETEND to make it war themed. You know I don't really find this "wacky" poo poo funny, and I know you're capable of writing a decent story. This just seemed rushed and "ha ha, look at me!" maybe riding the high of getting that green next to your name this week made you forget this is still a writing contest where you need to try!

DMs: Fuschia tude, PootieTang

Overall the quality of this week was about average. Nothing really made me super angry, so that's a collective victory for Thunderdome in general.

Sound the prompt horn.

crabrock fucked around with this message at Jul 15, 2014 around 08:11

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool


i am genuinely surprised i did even close to that good

was expecting to get creamed

Meinberg
Oct 9, 2011

ICE-MEIN




Proooooooompt!

Go Team OCK!

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry



team sun our finest hour is yet to come

PootieTang
Aug 2, 2011

by XyloJW


FUSCHIA TUDE I'M CALLING YOU OUT, BRAWL ME IF YOU DARE

Let's face it, neither of us put our best work forward this week.

In fact let's be brutally honest, we both submitted turds. It's just as a superior being, my turds are clearly better than yours.

And you had to go and smack talk before hand, so I'm not gonna let you walk away with just that minor beating. Plus I love Chinese historical war style poo poo, so your obvious place-holder entry is doubly insulting.

You and me, mano-a-mano, for real this time.

P.S.

PootieTang fucked around with this message at Jul 15, 2014 around 02:47

Phobia
Apr 25, 2011

I'm a suave detective with a heart of gold in hot pursuit of the malevolent, manipulative
MIAMI MUTILATOR
and the deranged degenerates who only want their
15 MINUTES OF FAME.


OCK.




OOOOOCKKK

ALSO

Phobia
Apr 25, 2011

I'm a suave detective with a heart of gold in hot pursuit of the malevolent, manipulative
MIAMI MUTILATOR
and the deranged degenerates who only want their
15 MINUTES OF FAME.


OCK.


Sithsaber posted:

You silenced my urge to scream, "death to nazis!" I don't know whether to applaud or report you to Uncle Sam. I'll just applaud.

Oh, thanks very much brosef!

ALSO. Since I'll have some free time tomorrow, I'll crit three stories from the losing team this week. That isn't a stab at the losers, unless you are one of said losers, then it is totally a stab, get on my level.

EDIT: Except for Ducky, who somehow beat Sebmojo. I didn't even see that coming. Nice going wes.

Phobia fucked around with this message at Jul 15, 2014 around 02:40

Gau
Nov 18, 2003

I don't think you understand, Gau.


OCK OCK BABY

it's so fitting that a dinosaur won

Noah
May 31, 2011

Come at me baby bitch


y'all dickheads are welcome.

lets brawl.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

THUNDERDOME CII: B-I-N-G-O

Last week sure was rough, huh? Stressful, am I right? I’m right. I’m always right. Well, let’s maybe relax a little. Maybe spike our tea with some vodka. Maybe have a some fun. You wanna have fun? Great! Come on down to--



Sign up and I’ll give you a bingo board. Check off five elements in a row (diagonals count) and submit your story. This shouldn’t be complicated. You fuckers should have all played bingo before.

If you are wondering what the word list consists of I have been asking people I respect as writers to self-report recurring themes and common elements of their works. If I didn’t ask you, it means I think you suck <3 <3 jk someone probably analyzed your previous entries for you. Feel free to pm me if you're super concerned about being included <3 <3

Word Limit: 1202 words
Signs-up Deadline: Friday at midnight (EST)
Submissions Deadline: Sunday at midnight (EST)

Judges
Tyrannosaurus
sebmojo
Phobia

Bin-Goers
Noah
DuckyB
Sithsaber
Anomalous Blowout
WeLandedOnTheMoon!
Broenheim
Echo Cian
LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE
Meinberg
Mercedes
Bad Seafood
PootieTang
curlingiron
Grizzled Patriarch
waffledoodle
Fumblemouse
meeple
Thalamas
Sitting Here
Entenzahn
Nethilia
Chairchucker
theblunderbuss
QuoProQuid
Auraboks
HopperUK
PoshAlligator
Number 36
Blade_of_tyshalle
Kalyco
Alpacalips Now
D.O.G.O.B.Y.N
Malefic Marmite
Helsing
Dr. Kloctopussy
Paladinus
Lead out in cuffs
docbeard
Obliterati

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at Jul 16, 2014 around 23:42

Noah
May 31, 2011

Come at me baby bitch


In. Lets do a thing.

DuckyB
Jun 27, 2014

Gentlemen.


Aw poo poo yes, let's do this. In.

Sithsaber
Apr 8, 2014

by Ion Helmet


IIIIIIINN

In.

Anomalous Blowout
Feb 13, 2006

I crashed Thunderdome's 6th Birthday and all I got was this av!

Since I'm out for all of August I may as well in at least once more in July.

a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly


BINGO

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

I will judge.

I am filled with... yes... rage. For some reason.

So write well.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


In

Echo Cian
Jun 16, 2011



I regretted not joining last week so in this one.

anime was right
Jun 27, 2008

death is certain
keep yr cool


ok in maybe this time ill write a character.

(im assuming this is why crabrock gave me a brutally low score)

Meinberg
Oct 9, 2011

ICE-MEIN


I shall indeed this week.

Phobia
Apr 25, 2011

I'm a suave detective with a heart of gold in hot pursuit of the malevolent, manipulative
MIAMI MUTILATOR
and the deranged degenerates who only want their
15 MINUTES OF FAME.


OCK.


EDIT: New Babby's judging this week, look out.

Phobia fucked around with this message at Jul 15, 2014 around 04:49

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Noah posted:

In. Lets do a thing.



DuckyB posted:

Aw poo poo yes, let's do this. In.



Sithsaber posted:

IIIIIIINN

In.



Anomalous Blowout posted:

Since I'm out for all of August I may as well in at least once more in July.









Echo Cian posted:

I regretted not joining last week so in this one.



LOU BEGAS MUSTACHE posted:

ok in maybe this time ill write a character.

(im assuming this is why crabrock gave me a brutally low score)



Meinberg posted:

I shall indeed this week.

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


crabrock posted:

...it was about a divorce. You were the only person that didn't even PRETEND to make it war themed.

Oh. My fault. I didn't get the memo where it had to be absolutely literally about war. Divorce doesn't share any qualities of that. No sir. My mistake. I won't happen again.

I'm in.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


systran posted:

also is synirc/mibbit not working for anyone else, cause I haven't been able to connect for the past day or two.

WeLandedOnTheMoon! posted:

Not working here either. I downloaded hexchat and had to reteach myself to IRC.
Same. Downloaded an alternate client but still can't connect to SynIRC.

Also, in.

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PootieTang
Aug 2, 2011

by XyloJW


Count me in too.

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