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  • Locked thread
Djeser
Mar 22, 2013







I'm in.

Djeser fucked around with this message at Feb 27, 2014 around 14:16

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Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


Schneider Heim
Oct 17, 2012


I'm in.

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

DJESERCRIT

quote:

07:46:24: <djeser> aw gently caress, slept through the deadline :/
07:46:56: <SaddestRhino> haha weren't you toxxing yourself for care-posting
07:48:02: <djeser> it's up to seb whether i can prove i cared even though i missed the deadline
07:48:17: <djeser> he is my care arbiter
08:10:49: <sebmojo> Djeser it's up to seb whether i can prove i cared even though i missed the deadline
08:10:58: <sebmojo> i want you to read that sentence extremely carefully
08:11:13: <sebmojo> and then decide what you want to do
08:11:29: <sebmojo> I will generously give you 2 hours , then check the thread
08:11:51: <sebmojo> at which point i will decide whether you cared enough
08:12:20: <sebmojo> DO YOU UNDERSTAND Y/N
08:13:24: <djeser> y
08:13:37: <sebmojo> 10 4 good buddy make me proud


Djeser posted:

My set: http://lego.wikia.com/wiki/6987_Message-Intercept_Base


My flash rule: Must be set in a Midwestern megachurch

In Limbo
(750 words)


Not sure about this title - will decide whether it is productively ambiguous or just annoyingly ambiguous and vaguely religious sounding at the end


The suns were setting and the usual god-chatter came in over the comms. The airwaves grew heavy with salvation and nirvana. All the deities of Cygnus 3 cried for their hives as the exosolar night rippled away from Urbis Planitia, the midwestern plains. Yeah, nice brisk world-building. 'salvation and nirvana' should probably have something like 'whispers of' or 'mutters of' prepended given you're talking about sound.

Iota jabbed his finger into his non-Newtonian stress ball. $88.99 FROM INNOVATIONS INC CALL NOW OUR OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY Even as a Tellurian, follower of Tellus, as brutalist a god as you’d find, he liked the overlapping waves of poetry. There was peace in variety without commitment, the way twenty conversations muffled noise right by your ear. This is an example of how to do sci fi well - you're doing character by showing how they react to the world you've built, rather than wanking on about it with 'as you know professor' dialogue and infodumps.

Feedback came from 401.34 on the ultrawave band, screeching, words echoing into pure sine waves. It was the Lamurites, and it was their Revelations.

The Tellurian Church wouldn’t let that happen.

Iota held the radio close to his lips. “Kappa, get the lookout bay turned around. Lambda--get the jet ready.”

The Cygnan sunsets beyond the angled roof of the church spun out of view, replaced by the ink-purple night sky. Iota ducked through the airlock and entered the main control room. This move is kinda pointless, I think. Plus you don't duck through airlocks, they have to cycle or they are actually doors

Theta adjusted his helmet, then gave a thumbs-up to Iota. The high G-forces had given Theta’s face faint lines. The man’s horizon-gaze and strong arms made Iota felt pale and fat. He couldn’t even blame genetics. They were all clones. I like the distinction between the clones. Iota is a hilarious future goon.

“The Temple of the Tongue?” Theta asked.

Iota shook his head. “Pillars of Lamur.”

“Let’s give those Lamurites Purgatory.” Theta heaved himself into the fighter with one arm.

Iota frowned. Climbing up and down the ladder for communion winded him.

The ground team, Iota included, assembled at their stations. The whirr of a droning hymn filled the room as the fighter lifted from its pad, then coursed through the open bay and into the sky. Yeah, this is weird - why would a ship lift off from the control room? probably better to do that convo over screens or w/e, you could have got the same thoughts and character stuff out of it.

Iota pulled the headphones around his ears and listened. 401.34 came through crisp, in glorious transcendance, intercut with the team’s conversation..

“Half a minute out. What kinda Revelations are we talking about?” Theta asked.

Mu, their theologist, answered. “Dualist. Should be volcanic flows sweeping up the wicked, burning away sins.”

Iota couldn’t see Theta, but he could imagine his curt, cool nod. I like this.

“Right. Iota, how far are they?”

Iota held the headphones with one hand. The rise and fall of the purified sounds broke into a hundred unique, perfect noises, then fell into step with each other. “Natural laws still holding. Go with hypostatic weapons.” I think this works for me because although I have no real idea what's going on I'm confident that the charcters do.

He stared at the screen, to give his eyes something to look at. The fighter was just outside Lamurite airspace. Over the harmonious choir of Lamur’s voices, the steady rattle of Theta’s weapon fire rustled through the comms.

The Lamurite verses didn’t even falter.

“No dice,” Theta said.

Iota rubbed his forehead. He was sweating. Chanting and gunfire rang in his ears. He had to talk to the priest soon, ask if there was a possibility his cloning batch had been short a few genes.

“If you hit them with a gnosis blast--” Iota said.

“One-two punch: gnosis and hypostasis,” Theta interrupted.

That was his idea! Iota bit his lip and held his complaints in. I like his pissy little mental asides The gnosis blast from the fighter crackled in his ears. The sounds of Lamurite Revelations grew softer. They hesitated for a moment. That moment filled up with the rattle of hypostatic guns. The Revelations fell into discord. Lamur, speaker of their Revelations, warbled sadly GOOD USE OF ADVERB in the background, his end times postponed.

“Break out the sulphur salts, guys. I’m comin’ home,” Theta said. this is v clint eastwood in Firefox circa 1985

On Iota’s screen, Theta’s swooped and crossed back over the Lamurite border. Theta was a hero again. Sometimes, Iota just wished he’d die.

Something else emerged from Lamurite airspace. A second icon trailed after Theta, closing the distance quickly. Tellus, he hadn’t meant that!

“Theta, Lamurite on your six!”

“You homothel-” what? An explosion of chanting swallowed up his words, then burst into crackling static. ‘Ground Impact’ flashed across Iota’s screen.

“Theta’s down. Lambda, get the rover. Find him.” Kappa said. Iota didn’t move. He stared at his hands, pale and useless. Lambda rolled down the sloping facade of the church. Iota paced back to the observation bay and jabbed his stress ball. Tellus, he hadn’t--it was a guilty thought.

After an eternity of minutes, Lambda’s rover rolled back. The passenger seat was full Theta grinned weakly as Mu and Kappa helped him out.

“Like a Lamurite could aim,” he wheezed. I like how theta and iota are basically the same person but in different movies

Iota couldn’t say sorry. He hadn’t done anything. Just thoughts.

“Good day.” Theta clapped Iota’s shoulder, grinning.

“Yeah.”

One confessional wouldn’t be enough for Iota today. And a decent tangled bow on the end.

Yes, that holds up pretty well. You've done a good job of integrating the two elements of your prompt/flashrule, the sci-fi worldbuilding is assured but not overpowering, the simple action narrative plays a good counterpoint to the internal introspective one, and both strands support the genuinely odd world you're presenting. The title works ok as a character statement plus being a vaguely theological thing to put at the top of the story.


Oh, and eBeef if you're handing out crits I'll take one on JIM SPACEMAN: MOON ATTACK.

dreadmojo fucked around with this message at Mar 4, 2014 around 09:57

Oxxidation
Jul 22, 2007

a negative influence


It's been a while but I'll take a crack at this one.

Jonked
Feb 15, 2005

by exmarx


I'm in, but I haven't heard from my partner-to-be? Email me when you get a chance, buddy, at my username AT gmail dot com if you picked a creature!

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

Whose kitty litter did I shit in?


I'm in like Flynn. I'm also open to collaborate, so PM if you're down.

Requesting a crit.

literally this big
Jan 10, 2007



Here comes
the Squirtle Squad!


I'm in, maybe with a partner? Who knows. This'll be my first time Thunderdoming, but if you're DTF (down to formulate) then PM me.

literally this big fucked around with this message at Feb 28, 2014 around 08:13

Cpt. Mahatma Gandhi
Mar 26, 2005




You're awesome, thank you.

That Old Ganon
Jan 2, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER

How will critique be handled in this case? Would we be able to "out" our stories in the Fiction Farm come next prompt if I just gotta have some critique?

This fresh-faced first-timer is in.

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

quote:

Would we be able to "out" our stories in the Fiction Farm come next prompt if I just gotta have some critique?

I don't know what that means? I am going to critique every story that is entered this week, and Rhino and Sebmojo likely will as well.

That Old Ganon
Jan 2, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER

systran posted:

I don't know what that means? I am going to critique every story that is entered this week, and Rhino and Sebmojo likely will as well.
I saw that submissions would be anonymous, so I wasn't sure how we would find out about our results.

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

I'm going to post links to a google doc with all the stories, and you'll find your story and see the crits on it.

Phobia
Apr 25, 2011

I'm a suave detective with a heart of gold in hot pursuit of the malevolent, manipulative
MIAMI MUTILATOR
and the deranged degenerates who only want their
15 MINUTES OF FAME.


OCK.


In. Yep.

That Old Ganon
Jan 2, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER

systran posted:

I'm going to post links to a google doc with all the stories, and you'll find your story and see the crits on it.
Gotcha. Thanks for clearing that up, much appreciated.

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003


BRAWL RESULTS: MUFFIN VS. KAISHAI

Dr. Kloctopussy posted:

Lo, I have been summoned, and I have responded to said summons and do thusly respond, as follows:

You've written baroque, but I've had enough of it. Instead give me a story written clearly, concisely, verging on sparse, even. Not like that sentence.

In the spirit of eliminating the extraneous, this theme shall be your just desserts.

Deserts.

Interpret as broadly as you like, but please don't write a prose poem describing sand.

Upper Word Limit: 1000 words. MAKE EVERY ONE COUNT OR ELSE.

Due Date: Monday, Feb. 24, 2014, Midnight PST.

Why you write so good? hard to judge

I liked both these stories for different reasons. I felt they both rose to the challenge of the prompt, and each had strong points where the other was slightly lacking. I edited both of your stories and cut out more than 10% of your words (though the proportionate number of cuts were close enough that the actual numbers did not play into my ultimate decision.) The edited versions are at the end of the post. (Sorry, not red-lined).

Muffin: I really enjoyed just reading this story, without thinking much about judging it. You maintained a definite "voice" and an economy of words. I enjoyed the opposing scopes of world destruction and the creation of new life. It was far-reaching while remaining intimate. I also liked how the card game was used to reflect the overall theme of holding onto hope. It wasn't subtle, but it worked for me. Your interpretations of desert (Antarctica, the result of global warming, and being barren) were creative. Much better than a prose poem about sand, thank you. As for weaknesses, your narrative arc is flirting with "vignette" territory, and two of your characters feel like place holders. Even your main character feels one- or two-dimensional. I felt the pop-culture references did not add very much, even to the atmosphere. I would have liked to see you push a just little further outside of your normal style. Editing yours was more challenging, because I had to decide what contributed to ~atmosphere~ and ~voice~ instead of just story, but I did cut over 10%, and did a bit of rearranging.

Kaishai: Your story had more of an immediate emotional gut-punch and a clear conflict and resolution (even though the resolution was only partial for the characters, it felt complete for the story). Your dialogue conveyed so many undercurrents and tensions. Especially when Elena says "You left me." That three word sentence says so much. It's been bouncing around my head for days. Your treatment of the desert theme was multilayered, covering not only the setting, but also the verb (Alexander deserted her), and the undertones of loneliness and survival. Naming the baby Sahara was borderline too-far, but ultimately I felt like it was okay--it felt like something she might actually name her baby. You'll notice in the edit that I did delete her calling Alexander by the nickname "Sandy," though. I was impressed by the contrast between the feel an style of this piece compared to other things you have written. On the downside, while this story was definitely concise, it also felt a little small. There were emotions under the surface, but I feel they lacked a certain complexity. The tension was straightforward, which gave it more of an immediate impact, but less of a lasting one. (Except that one line of dialogue that I love). You had a few awkward sentences and some places where the perspective became ambiguous. There were also a few places where I felt you told us something that could be left implied. Those areas make up the bulk of my edits.

This was an extremely difficult decision that I have been thinking about since Monday, in multiple consultations with SittingHere, and it is still difficult!! You are both winners of my heart, but there can be only one victor in Thunderdome. It is not two men enter, two men leave. So, this victory is not just by a hair, but by a very, very fine hair, like a bunny rabbit hair or something. So without further ado:

THE VICTOR: MUFFIN

I don't think I can argue for either of these stories as being objectively better than the other, so I ultimately, utterly subjectively, picked the one I enjoyed reading more, even though it was just a little bit more. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO! THIS WAS SO HARD OH GOD! OH right, judges show no pain. Please replace this with big ego stuff.

Other random thoughts: I thought it interesting that both of your stories involved children, and that you both used repetition very effectively in a challenge about being concise (i.e. neither of the repetitions felt superfluous).

MY EDITED VERSIONS:
(p.s. these were great fun to edit and if either of you ever wants help editing please hit me up!)

The Great Southern Waste (Muffin, 713 words down to 627 words)

Want a cold beer at Scott Base? Stick it out the window. Bottle only: fingers outside and you’ll lose ‘em. The summer crew might enjoy a balmy 0 degrees celsius. The winter lot are less lucky.

Penguins and sterile darkness for a thousand miles. Nothing to do but drink, play poker, and drill ice cores. The sign on the door says Climate Research. The manifesto taped to the wall has three points:

#1 save the world
#2 no kids until we save the world
#3 don’t talk about The Thing Mad Max

We were playing Texas Hold ‘em with Gibbs and Murray when she told us. I had a pair of 3s. Terrible, but you play your cards against those on the table. Anna was not drunk. We had bags under our eyes. None of us had shaved in weeks. The rest of the crew were asleep.

Anna is as close to magic as I have met: the ice is her crystal ball. Every day, she stares at ice cores until her eyes are red, and swears she’s not been crying. She wrote a paper about them, then received death threats. She no longer talks to the press.

“It’s done,” she said, throwing down a few dollars. “Tubes tied.” Her voice was hollow, resigned. I met the bet.

“Me too,” said Murray. “Vasectomy. Boxing Day, back in the world. Doctor asked why. Told him I was a Catholic with a sex addiction. Shut him up.”

First three cards flipped over: Queen of Spades, King of Spades, Six of Hearts. Fuckall for me. Two more cards to go, turn and river. Two sorts of people chase the river: fools, and those with nothing left to lose.

Dangerous thing, hope.

I hadn’t gotten the snip, but I didn’t want them to know. It started as a joke. We’d made a pillow fort and wrote “no kids allowed” and got drunk and marvelled at the patterns of ice on the windows. It was cramped, boring, and cold in the base, but we stuck with it because we were saving the world.

Making it a better place for our-

Turn: Five of Clubs. Useless.

It was in front of us, clear as ice. The earth was dying, and we were paramedics. As news of Anna’s frosty reception made it south, our bravado faded. The first of many wounds. We realised we were undertakers, keeping the place neat for whoever wanted to look it over later.

Oh, humanity? Gone to meet Jesus, ain’t comin’ back.

We used to be scared of monsters that looked like people, then we cut out the middle man. The forbidden movie changed. A monster can be killed, but a desert can only be survived.

Barren. Hell of a word. You wouldn’t push your lover in front of a train, and you wouldn’t bring a kid into the mess that’s coming. Easier to-

River flipped: 3 of Clubs. I threw a few bucks on the pile. Murray folded. Chasing a straight, no doubt. Anna met the bet. She gave a lopsided grin, like old times. Gibbs saw the look, and folded.

“So, what’ve you got?” I said.

She shrugged and flipped her cards. Pair of Jacks. Good hand, at another table. I laid mine out. Murray laughed. “Trip threes,” he said, “bloody hell, saved myself some cash there.”

Gibbs crooked an eyebrow. “Just what the hell were you chasing?” he said.

“Dunno,” I said, “but looks like I found it.”

We drink, we play poker, we drill ice cores. They are more worrying each year, but the world is not worried. Terrible, but you play your cards against those on the table. We can only bet big and keep chasing the river.


--------

Deserts (Kaishai: 443 down to 388)

Alexander tasted grit as he knocked on Elena's door. He dragged his hand over his face, scrubbed the sweat onto his jeans.

The door opened, and she stood there, drawn and sallow. Red lines webbed her wide eyes. He spoke fast. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"You left."

"I didn't know."

"You left me," she said with the same old edge. He thought of leaving again.

Inside, the baby wailed. Alexander blocked the slamming door with his boot. "I want to meet her," he said.

"You have no right. Go back to wherever you went."

She bashed the cheap plywood into his foot and cursed him when he stood still for it. The cries got louder, shriller. Elena went to the child, and Alexander followed her into the cramped trailer.

She bent to gather the sobbing pink bundle from the crib. The baby's face was flushed as bright as her onesie. Elena cradled the girl against her shoulder and swayed, murmuring nonsense. Her eyes were too dull to spit hate at him.

Their daughter kept crying.

"Let me hold her. Let me give you a break."

"She's mine!" Elena tightened her hold; the baby screamed. Elena's face turned white.

Alexander held out his arms. "Christ, Elena, no one could take her from you."

The sound Elena made when she handed him their baby was like a sob itself. Then his right hand cupped his daughter's fragile head, his left her padded bottom, and he drew her to his chest.

She howled at being held by a stranger. She squirmed. Alexander rocked her, stroked a finger along her cheek. Would her wispy hair turn dark? or red like his? "Hush, darling," he said. "Sahara. Hush now."

Her wails softened: she was exhausted too. He looked up at Elena. "You should have told me."

"You left," she said, and he couldn't deny what was true.

"She should have a father. It's not fair to her for you to do this alone."

Silence. Elena had always been at least as honest as he.

Baked dust blew through an open window. Alexander turned, shielding Sahara with his body. She snuffled against his shirt, quiet and limp in his arms. Water pricked his eyes for the first time in years.

Elena's gaze had a heavy weight. "Maybe," she said at last. "Maybe."

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

Sign-ups are closed.

Here are the submissions so far: https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

I will be doing my crits in a seperate googledoc. Seafood will add stories in as they come in.

angel opportunity fucked around with this message at Mar 1, 2014 around 23:38

Black Griffon
Mar 12, 2005

Now, in the quantum moment before the closure, when all become one. One moment left. One point of space and time. I know who you are.

You are destiny.


Yeah, a visit to the ER and all that involves pretty much ensured that there's not gonna be a story. At least I didn't have any writing partners.

Nikaer Drekin
Oct 11, 2012


Black Griffon posted:

At least I didn't have any writing partners.

Same here- I was flying solo, but I've got to drop out. I did write something this weekend, but (a) it's over the word limit and (b) it has... nothing at all to do with the prompt. Oh well.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

you guys realize you still have 9 hours right? :P

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

I'm going to post my crits once the deadline is over. It will be a google doc that will update as I crit. I have already done a crit of every story that has been emailed so far. If you submit before 11pm EST, there is a strong chance you will have your crit tonight or first thing after I wake up. Anything submitted at the last minute will have the crit up a lot later.

Quidthulhu
Dec 17, 2003

Stand down, men! It's only smooching!


I am a terrible person and have written nothing. #bailtown. Shame me.

PMush Perfect
Sep 30, 2009

H3Y H4V3 YOU GUYS H34RD 4BOUT HOM3STUCK?


Quidnose posted:

I am a terrible person and have written nothing. #bailtown. Shame me.
Quid, I submitted a decent story this week.

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


The Leper Colon V posted:

Quid, I submitted a decent story this week.

saving face

Quidthulhu
Dec 17, 2003

Stand down, men! It's only smooching!


The Leper Colon V posted:

Quid, I submitted a decent story this week.

I'm proud of you, buddy!

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

You have a few hours left, and I'm going to bed soon, so here are the crits so far https://docs.google.com/document/d/...8rTxRknq58/edit

Do not reveal yourself to people in IRC or in the thread! I will disqualify you from winning if you tell people who you are. Don't loving do it. If you reveal yourself you can still lose though, so don't try to be cute.

Even though I did a number system on this, number systems are kind of dumb and it's mostly for my own reference. The judges have barely conferred so far, so hold tight anything could happen!

literally this big
Jan 10, 2007



Here comes
the Squirtle Squad!


Ended up going it alone for my first Thunderdome outing because I have no friends and nobody loves me. It was a lot easier to get writing than I thought it would be, but that 1000 word cap was a bitch to work around. I just wanted to write more and more, and I think my story feels a bit rushed because of it.

I'd like all the crits I can get on this one. This is the first thing I've written so go easy on me tear me a new one!

JonasSalk
May 27, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Edit: I'm dumb as gently caress. NVM.

JonasSalk fucked around with this message at Mar 3, 2014 around 16:56

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

All of my crits are done, and Rhino is working on his. We will probably end up waiting on sebmojo; I'm hoping he has done a lot of crits already.

Once the winner is announced, feel free to ask me in bold Systran, longer crit please. My story is: NAME OF STORY

Also, once the winner is announced, I'll ask Seafood to enable comments on the master document, and I encourage everyone to go edit their name into the title of each story so we can see who everyone was. Please do this so that Kaishai and Crabrock can record everything properly into the archives.

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


Why are there so many stories on

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lk-yH1KeZqU

?

literally this big
Jan 10, 2007



Here comes
the Squirtle Squad!


The Saddest Rhino posted:

Why are there so many stories on

Probably a lot of people wanted to avoid something super serious (especially after those first three crits got posted), and wanted to go for something a bit nicer than "man fights big scary monster."

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

systran posted:

All of my crits are done, and Rhino is working on his. We will probably end up waiting on sebmojo; I'm hoping he has done a lot of crits already.

Once the winner is announced, feel free to ask me in bold Systran, longer crit please. My story is: NAME OF STORY

Also, once the winner is announced, I'll ask Seafood to enable comments on the master document, and I encourage everyone to go edit their name into the title of each story so we can see who everyone was. Please do this so that Kaishai and Crabrock can record everything properly into the archives.

I have consumed your effluvium. Judgment is rolling towards you like a terrible locomotive.

Make fast your bindings and close your eyes.

angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

RESULT POST

Winner: Full Course

Everyone agreed on this, we didn't have to discuss it.

Loser: The Bird of Fortune <-- Confirmed that this was Benny The Snake

Everyone hated this the most. It was a special kind of laziness and poo poo story. There were a lot of nonsense stories, but we could feel the authors behind them at least trying to put some fun or cool ideas into the stories.

Honorable Mentions:

1) The Harpy

I loved this story, and the other judges had no issues with giving this an HM.

2) The Hidebehind

This was solid, and we weren't unanimous, but 2/3 judges agreed (we couldn't check with one) this could get HM.

Dishonorable Mentions

1) "Untitled (the one that begins with: Threadbare cloth yielded to the breeze."

Totally unclear and bad prose. At least you tried harder than The Bird of Fortune.

2) "Monkeys' Wedding"

Unclear, bad prose, confusing as poo poo. Painful descriptions. loving stiff boner knives as an ending???

3) Lead us not to temptation

This was offensively boring. I can give you a longer crit if you'd like, but I feel it had no actual characters, if that makes sense. Your protag/antag was just disembodied evil, and it followed around a guy who was cartoonishly good.

GO INTO THIS DOCUMENT AND LEAVE A COMMENT WITH YOUR FORUM NAME ON YOUR STORY TITLE!
https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

Whoever wrote the winning story can post a prompt whenever they'd like. If the winners or losers were a team, choose the true winners and losers and report back here ASAP.

If you toxxed yourself, please quickly claim a story so we don't ban you.

THE BROWNIE AWARD SHOW

Somehow none of the terrible Brownie stories got DM, BUT:

Most rapetastic and creepy brownie story: Working Title

Even though this was a creepy loving story, it was the best Brownie story.

Worst brownie story: Thomas and the Elf

I hated how everything became irrelevant and out of nowhere you had them just talk about the kid's dad. Ugh.

angel opportunity fucked around with this message at Mar 3, 2014 around 23:21

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Some odiferous judgebelches. As with systran, if you want a longer crit, speak up.

Firegirl: nice enough idea, but no actual conflict or tension

On one hand: tolerably creepy idea, but it ends where it should start

Full course: wow. I wish I’d written this. ++

God defend the queen: yeah, haha, pretty decent gags cc

Hidden mickeys: good work, ending doesn’t really bring it home unfortunately, but nice use of detail up till then

Unicorn hunt: this is striving for way more significance and GUD RITING than it actually warrants – next time have a story too

Harpy: 80% there – great use of details, but I wanted more of a motivated change from her

Why we lay our mirrors face down at night: Aw that was really neat. Good use of mythic cadences and rhythms, with a sprinkling of modern talk to spice it up, clever tale. Should have cut the last para though. +

The brave man walks through fire: Hm. I quite like the overall shape of this and your poems are good, but there’s some structural issues (it takes a long time to work out what’s going on) and clunky anachronistic phrasings that lessen the effect. Not terrible though.

Working title: Nice creepy and imaginative take on the myth – pov shift midway hurts it, though.

Lead us not into temptation: clunky, plonky, don’t care. A few nice bits of description but really WGAF about these cartoon people

Holes: I am moderately fond of this idea, but the execution leaves me completely cold.

Ocellus: oo, yeah, that’s actually pretty tight and sweet. Nice unsentimental fantasy world, good twist and turn on the dismount. +

Aesop’s lost fable: noir cyberpunk talking animals doing Breaking Bad is an underserved niche. Doesn’t quite stick the landing, sadly, because Terry is totes hosed when the MitM gets round to it and a better story would have addressed that, but I enjoyed reading it.

Oedipus or if you want to see God laugh, make a plan: um wat.

The final words of Edward Pluton/Milk: Adequately put-together words, but both these are lacking some essential element of conflict to make them worth the reading.

The bird of fortune: unf this is pretty bad; I mean guy finds buttloads of gold, kills friend to take it is more the start of the story than the end? Plus loads of infelicities and bad words. –

Untitled: oh god terrible words make them stop –

Monkey’s wedding: yeah, a decent yarn with lots of well-deployed details. Clunky phrasing mars it somewhat though.

Jesus take the wheel: “I’m not sure why I’m here” expresses my feelings exactly, halfway through the story. And then it goes on, and I find out, and I DON’T CARE. When your whole story is a bad last-line gag, don’t also put the gag in the title maybe. And oh god get to the point faster next time.

The hidebehind: Haha, this is actually pretty neat in the way it dangles the expected outcome then flips it. Effective, tight, +

A likeness captured in stone: A strong and clever idea spoiled by clunky phrasings and word choices.

Tooth and nail: Messy, unconvincing, did not like. Pick a world to live in for your story, don’t split the difference.

Thomas and the Elf: ohh, clunkeriffic. Is this a joke? DM

Untitled: competent, solid, conflict and change.

Junkie of Standards: Hi Fumblemouse. eDIT: NOPE I like this a lot, the strange oral cadence works well with the street legend feel and the wry asides.

dreadmojo fucked around with this message at Mar 3, 2014 around 23:18

literally this big
Jan 10, 2007



Here comes
the Squirtle Squad!


Systran, seb, (and anyone else) longer crit please. My story is: Thomas and the Elf.

I wrote at least 1,300 words, but cutting it down to fit was the real problem. Could I get advice specifically geared towards how to edit mine down more effectively? I totally agree that my story ends up feeling rushed as all hell, and I'm really disappointed I didn't get to do more with it.

PMush Perfect
Sep 30, 2009

H3Y H4V3 YOU GUYS H34RD 4BOUT HOM3STUCK?


My story was Unicorn Hunt, and it turns out I failed spectacularly at drawing the parallel between "everything's magic when you're a child" and "everything was magic back when there were still mysteries about the world". If I could get a longer crit, specifically focused on precisely how I hosed that up, that'd be great.

This is at least the second time I've been really proud of a work and the point it makes, and had it actually be bad enough to nearly be worth a DM.

PMush Perfect fucked around with this message at Mar 3, 2014 around 23:31

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Seb:
Systran gave me a good idea of where mine (Why we lay our Mirrors face-down at night) was weak, but I'm curious to see further comments from you, since you seemed to like it more than he did.

Systran, your comments (on the doc and in IRC) were substantial enough that I have a good idea of what I should fix.

Now tell us the name of our new lord and the name of our newest 'Dome bitch.

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Illegal Carrot posted:

Systran, seb, (and anyone else) longer crit please. My story is: Thomas and the Elf.

I wrote at least 1,300 words, but cutting it down to fit was the real problem. Could I get advice specifically geared towards how to edit mine down more effectively? I totally agree that my story ends up feeling rushed as all hell, and I'm really disappointed I didn't get to do more with it.

You can ask for things you'd like the crit to focus on but don't give us 'extra context' and don't abase yourself like in the last line. We literally physically don't care.

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Interprompt

Pick a random noun from here, and plug it into the search box on the Guinness World Records site.. Then write 200 words on one of the records it finds for you.

As always this goes until the new prompt is posted, anyone can enter, anyone can crit.

dreadmojo fucked around with this message at Mar 3, 2014 around 23:36

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The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


Illegal Carrot posted:

Probably a lot of people wanted to avoid something super serious (especially after those first three crits got posted), and wanted to go for something a bit nicer than "man fights big scary monster."

Is this your reason for not writing a luchadore story

Because wow weaksauce

Everyone gets crits much later in the day when I slog through them with a clearer mind. I hated every single one of those brownie stories.

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