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Oxxidation
Jul 22, 2007

a negative influence


Yeah, Full Course was mine. I'm sort of flattered systran could name me as the writer despite me submitting like half a dozen times at most.

Luckiy I have a prompt in mind on this go-around. I'll gather up judges and have something by this time tomorrow at the very latest.

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literally this big
Jan 10, 2007



Here comes
the Squirtle Squad!


sebmojo posted:

You can ask for things you'd like the crit to focus on but don't give us 'extra context' and don't abase yourself like in the last line. We literally physically don't care.

I didn't include that bit to get attention. "How can I cut down what I have and be more efficient with my words, in order to fit more ideas into my story" is what I meant to say.

literally this big fucked around with this message at Mar 3, 2014 around 23:42

Jay O
Oct 9, 2012

being a zombie's not so bad
once you get used to it

Systran did not like me and EchoCian's story at all (Ocellus), and sebmojo did. I AM LOST AT SEA. Longer crit requested so I can find ways to improve it.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

I'd like a longer crit on Holes from whoever, if that's ok with my partner.

Whalley
Mar 5, 2004

neato devito


Sitting Here posted:

I'd like a longer crit on Holes from whoever, if that's ok with my partner.
It's definitely okay with me

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Thunderdome Interprompt
Dangerous
(200 words)
An explosion rocked the house of Charles Dangerous, naturalist.

"God drat it," he growled.

Charles Dangerous hated being interrupted during entomology time. He threw his chainsaw to the ground.

Sexyanna's voice crackled in his ear. "It's the green anaconda, it's escaped!" she gasped, desperate to get his giant snake under control, and also there was a anaconda on the loose.

"Get on the radio right now, babe. Warn the mayor that he'll need a cleanup crew for one huge-rear end dead snake."

Charles Dangerous hopped into The Eagle, his transforming fighter jet, and shot out of his volcano cave mansion's conservatory.

The anaconda roared and spat globs of radioactive venom at the police choppers zooming around it. Charles heard the screams as a chopper was dissolved by mutant snake drool.

"You can't run," he growled with his dark but handsome past, "An' aconda hide."

Green slime shot toward him. For a moment, hope was lost. Then the twin minigun turrets tore through the acid and the snake like Charles was going tear through Sexyanna tonight.

The mayor flexed as he saluted Charles Dangerous's jet.

"A true American hero..." the mayor sighed masculinely.

"With a dark past," Charles added.



Guinness record: Green anaconda - most extreme exaggeration as to its actual size of any animal

QuoProQuid
Jan 12, 2012

WHO LOVES BLOOD SODA?
KEL LOVES BLOOD SODA!


I do. I do. I do-oo.


Systran, longer crit please. My story is: The brave man walks through fire

EDIT: I wrote the action scene in my section because I hadn't done any action before. My stories are almost always, "People talking in a room together." I would appreciate any pointers you have on writing fight scenes.

QuoProQuid fucked around with this message at Mar 4, 2014 around 01:16

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

You scoff at her fake outrage. “Whatever, I don’t want to be a part of that pee class anyway.”

You storm off to the Dean’s office where you spend the rest of the day sitting and doing your homework.

That evening your mom gets a call from your teacher, and you’re informed that you’re grounded for a week. You shrug it off.

Friday

You scarf down a poptart and skip out before your mom wakes up so you don’t have to answer any more of her angry questions. Your ride to school is uneventful, and you are distracted with your new rebellious feelings.

You stop in to say hello to Gus, who is sitting at his dad’s donut shop.

“Hey man, what’s going on?” you ask.

“Finishing this stupid essay. You made me feel like I should stop screwing around and really buckle down with my school work. You know, I could actually still pass and go to high school next year.”

“That’d be cool. I’d like it if we could be in the same school.”

“I should finish this and my dad said he’d give me a ride.”

“Ok, I’ll see you later.”

You get back on your bike and ride to school. You head to class and make a big entrance, hoping to get Molly’s attention. She doesn’t look up from her book.

You take your seat at the back of the class. The hamster is nowhere to be seen. You ignore the day’s lessons to think about how awesome it’s going to be taking Molly to the dance.

The lunch bell rings and you laugh at some kid eating a taco that looks like an animal barfed it up.

You walk over to Molly. She looks up at you.

“Hey gorgeous,” you say, “hows about you go to the dance with me tomorrow evening? Pick you up at eight?”

“Ugh, yeah right.”

You are befuddled. “What do you mean?”

“You’re being a jerk. You made more Chauncifer cry yesterday. He didn’t do anything to you.”

You roll your eyes. “That kid is weird.”

“Some people think you’re weird, and I always defended you.”

“You did?”

“I used to have a crush on you. Now I think you’re gross.”

You hear somebody yell “heads!” and you look to see Gus running at you, not looking where he’s going. You jump out of his way at the last second, and he knees Molly in the face with a sickening thump.

She lets out a blood-curdling scream, and flops to the ground.

“Oh my god! I didn’t see you, honest!” says Gus. He looks up at you for help, but you don’t want to be there anymore. You turn around and walk away. Molly’s friend Shannon passes you, and you call her a bitch for no good reason.

You walk back to the picnic tables and take a seat. You look over to see Gus helping Molly up. She’s crying and her nose is bloody, and you can’t help but feel glad. You’re too good for her, you tell yourself, and scan the lunch crowd looking for some desperate loner to ask to the dance.

The End

crabrock fucked around with this message at Aug 4, 2014 around 06:48

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Meinberg. A certain sys-someone in IRC had trouble telling us apart. The only indignity worse than not being known is being mistaken for someone else, and I want retribution.

Brawl me, so that people can remember which one of us is which.

JonasSalk
May 27, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER

I wrote "Junkie of Standards" and it was fun. Can I get a longer crit, Sebmojo?

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

You may.

sebmojo fucked around with this message at Mar 5, 2014 around 03:20

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


I wrote Fire-Girl. I would like a longer crit on my story.

Oxxidation
Jul 22, 2007

a negative influence


No more talking, no more fun, Oxxi's lessons have begun.

Thunderdome Week LXXXII: Comma, Noun, Verb

Judges: Oxxidation, crabrock, Erogenous Beef

"Said-bookisms." I knew what they were before I first heard the term, and I do not like them, and if you use them then I do not like you. But the kind I like least are the ones involving actions which have nothing to loving do with the vocalization of words. Such as:

quote:

"I've got AIDS," he smiled.

quote:

"Die Welt als Wille und Vorstellung," Bob shrugged.

quote:

"J.K. Rowling was way too in love with this one," she purred.

God. It's like getting brain freeze every time I read one. The mind attempts to visualize an action which runs contradictory to dialogue and locks up, destroying the pace of the story. But to destroy your enemies, you must think like them. To that end, and for my own amusement, I've assembled this prompt. The subject is:

In which a character has just won, and is in desperate need of consolation.

And the conditions are:

Your story must involve dialogue in some capacity.

All dialogue must include said-bookisms and they must, without exception, be as elaborate as you can make them, while complementing what is actually being said.


For once this bad writing habit is going to be put in the harnesses and pull the story forward rather than rot in the road beside it. The point of this prompt is not to write an "ironically" bad piece where you find-and-replace the word "said" with as many overwrought substitutes as you can; the point is to create a story where the characters communicate with their actions, as the language would suggest, instead of just flexing their faces like abused stop-motion sculptures because you're afraid of repeating a four-letter word too many times. This is your chance to use an abused and rightly-maligned technique with thought and care, because if you don't then you will be yelled at slightly louder than usual.

You can use as much or as little dialogue as you like, but if you only include one or two lines of talk then those lines had better be loving dynamite and my standards will be at once stringent and perilously unpredictable. And as for the subject - anything goes, but if any one of you comes within the same zip code as Shirley Jackson's The Lottery I'll drop your submission to the bottom of the pile and shovel dirt over it.

E-Beef includes the following flash rule, which is aptly named I think cuz it's loving brilliant:

Erogenous Beef posted:

Flash Rule FOR EVERYONE

Every time you use "said + adverb" or "asked + adverb", your word count drops by 25.

Exceptions may be made if I find it funny or awesome. Gambling on this isn't advised.

Signup Deadline: Friday March 7, 11:59 pm EST
Submission Deadline: Sunday March 9, 11:59 pm EST. I'll allow some flexibility due to Daylight Savings Time kicking in, but don't push your luck.
Maximum Word Count: 1,200 words

I look forward to your disappointments.

Participants

Djeser
Occupation
QuoProQuid
Jay O
Sitting Here
JonasSalk
The Leper Colon V Unreliable fuckup
sebmojo
Ursine Asylum
Starter Wiggin
Techno Remix
Nitrousoxide
Noah
Phobia
WeLandedOnTheMoon!
Magnus Gallant
Nethilia
Entenzahn
Crab Destroyer
Jeza
The Saddest Rhino
Martello
Baudolino
docbeard
Tyrannosaurus
Jagermonster
Masonity
God Over Djinn
The News at 5
Lead out in cuffs
Anathema Device
Wangsbig
Whalley
Cache Cab
Nikaer Drekin
CaligulaKangaroo
Schneider Heim
Joda
SurreptitiousMuffin
Kaishai

Oxxidation fucked around with this message at Mar 8, 2014 around 05:01

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



"In," Djeser ejaculated.

NieR Occomata
Jan 18, 2009


I'll sign up for this one

QuoProQuid
Jan 12, 2012

WHO LOVES BLOOD SODA?
KEL LOVES BLOOD SODA!


I do. I do. I do-oo.


I'll do this.

Jay O
Oct 9, 2012

being a zombie's not so bad
once you get used to it

"In," Jay O interjected.

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

After a languid pause Sitting Here chortled, "in."

JonasSalk
May 27, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Jonas looked at his pope hat and pontificated, "in."

PMush Perfect
Sep 30, 2009

----------------------
|PMush used Shitpost! |
|It's super effective!|
----------------------


"Yeah, sure, whatever," Colon V yawned, waving his hand dismissively, "I'm in."

elfdude
Jan 23, 2014

Mad Scientist

Another DM ;_; Ohwell, at least I'm breaking the mold enough to say that the stories attributed to me were not mine.

Lead us not to temptation was mine.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

"In," he spat. A little gobbet of phlegm landed on the judge's stylish red-hot iron shoes and smoked, briefly.

Ursine Asylum
Jul 10, 2012

dreaming of that face again

it's bright and blue and shimmering

grinning wide and comforting me with it's three warm and wild eyes


"In", he grimaced, the cracking of his knuckles adding punctuation to his monosyllabic utterance.

Lead out in cuffs
Sep 18, 2012

Look at my horse; my horse is amazing.

Screw you, Oxxidation, for posting the prompt literally three hours after the interprompt.

Interprompt story: longest river.

Egypt, 1313 BCE (147 words)

It was ten years ago they sold me down the Nile. That’s the lot of us slaves. Your master crosses the wrong royal and gets himself messily executed. And what then? They ship you off to the Valley of Kings to haul stone ‘til you die.

They should’ve known better than to leave a slave bark tied up next to the boy king’s ridiculous gold barge. Especially one with a rancorous old alchemist inside. They didn’t even post a guard. It was the middle of the desert. Where would we go?

Snuck into the royal barge is where. I’d been saving that arsenic for when the work got too hard. But a decade of aching bones and bleeding fingers have been more than worth it. I smiled for the rest of that wretched journey down to the necropolis. We had a new tomb to build, before long.

Starter Wiggin
Feb 1, 2009

Screw the enemy's gate man, I've got a fucking TAIL!
Do you know how crazy the ladies go for those?


"In" she snorted, her chest heaving from exertion.

Techno Remix
Feb 13, 2012



"My last Thunderdome entry was not good," he declared. Nodding sagely at his monitor, he added, "Might as well put the advice I got to practice. I'm in."

Nitrousoxide
May 30, 2011

do not buy a oneplus phone




"In," he gulped as he ran his shivering fingers over the mechanical keyboard in an almost rhythmic manner, giving the otherwise quiet and empty room an echo which threatened to shatter his fragile eardrums.

Noah
May 31, 2011

Come at me baby bitch


Eh, in.

Phobia
Apr 25, 2011

I'm a suave detective with a heart of gold in hot pursuit of the malevolent, manipulative
MIAMI MUTILATOR
and the deranged degenerates who only want their
15 MINUTES OF FAME.


OCK.


"Jovial," Phobia flicked his nose with one hand while he typed the penultimate "I" then the ceremonious "N", lips pressed into a bold leer. "I knew my failed entries from the Bulwer-Lytton contest would come in handy someday!"

a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly


WLOTM's eyes shot to the computer monitor, his mouth hanging in a crooked smile. "I'm in," he hurredly belched to nobody in particular.

Magnus Gallant
Mar 9, 2010

by Lowtax


Grimey Drawer

in

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


"In," she snuffled, remembering that time she was allergic to cats.

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why didn't you invest in
Thunderdome?


In

Crab Destroyer
Sep 3, 2011


In.

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


Sitting Here posted:

After a languid pause Sitting Here chortled, "in."

the languid pause was to take a sick bong hit, just so everyone is tracking

Erogenous Beef
Dec 20, 2006

i know the filthy secrets of your heart


Oxxi asked me to help judge. Apparently he hates me. Or, since he's inflicting me on you, maybe he hates you more. Either way, I hate said-bookisms, I hate you, so get to the kitchen and bake up a delicious hatewich. Since you're gonna have to do this said-bookism bullshit, don't be a limp-rear end. Put some effort into it. Be clever. (Okay, knowing most of you: try to be clever.)

And now a crutch for the creatively-crippled:

Flash Rule FOR EVERYONE

Every time you use "said + adverb" or "asked + adverb", your word count drops by 25.

Exceptions may be made if I find it funny or awesome. Gambling on this isn't advised.



Also, marty, get your lazy rear end in here and write us some crackling cyberpunk saidbooks, ja?

Jeza
Feb 13, 2011

The cries of the dead are terrible indeed; you should try not to hear them.


finally a prompt that plays to my strengths

In

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


In

Martello
Apr 29, 2012

by XyloJW


Erogenous Beef posted:

Also, marty, get your lazy rear end in here and write us some crackling cyberpunk saidbooks, ja?

FINE! I'M loving IN

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Baudolino
Apr 1, 2010

THUNDERDOME LOSER

"In" Baduolino said to himself mentally.

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