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angel opportunity
Sep 7, 2004

Total Eclipse of the Heart

If you can't even proofread your own story for poo poo like completely missing periods and "were" instead of "where," don't ask other people to waste their time giving you a line by line.

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Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

Whose kitty litter did I shit in?


Phobia posted:

Would you kindly do a line-by-line of my TD entry Benny?
This one?

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

prooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooompt

Benny the Snake
Apr 10, 2012

Whose kitty litter did I shit in?


Phobia, I went ahead and did a line by line critique of your most recent TD submission.

The Fall of Cedric Conrad
1447 words

Took him a minute to remember how to breathe. His legs twitched and he laughed, laying back, hands off fate’s wheel, rolling with it ‘til he crashed and burned. He, Cedric Conrad, 40, was not himself. Great intro. I personally would've re-worded the last sentence as “The victim is Cedric Conrad, age 40. He was not himself.”

"Pace yourself. Try not to fall when you trip cuz' it's hard to get back up."

That was what Lacie told Cedric, 16, the day of his first. Cedric said that he didn't feel anything and Lacie laughed. Lacie was chill, real Stevie Nicks type. Try putting “age” next to “16” for better context. Wore the pants, Cedric liked that.

"Give it a few. Best comes to those who wait."

Cedric felt it, 'it' being his head and 'felt' being the helium pumping in through his ear. His nails dug into the arm of the couch because he was afraid he'd float and get torn by the ceiling fan. This is a really vivid image. Lacie laughed and hugged Cedric and told him not to worry, just relax, roll with it baby. Only thing Cedric remembered was watching Rocky Horror with Lacie's head buried in his chest. They stayed in touch 'til Cedric, 35, went into rehab. Again with the numbers. I feel that if you emphasize the numbers as being their respective ages, it helps reinforce that we're witnessing a series of sequential events and consequences.

Cedric, 40, felt all round his apartment! Touching things! The remote, pillows, an apple, the wall! Everything was so fresh, so new! Spent a hour just feeling around the bookcase, cackling like a hyena every time he knocked over a book! Jesus Christ comma it was hilarious!

Cedric, 20, went to the same University as Lacie, still friends. The grammar here is kidna wonky. I would re-write this as “At age 20, Cedric went to the same University as Lacie.” You've shown us already the two of them are friends through their interactions, so the “still friends” bit is superfluous. She invited him to dozen parties. The Only time he accepted was when he was high enough not to give a gently caress about nerves. Course, he still gave enough of a gently caress to stick to the wall with a cup of cola in his hand.

"They don't bite, you know."

Guy The guy smiled. Asian, swimmer's body, real pretty. This sentence is fragmented. I understand that it can be a stylistic choice in order to make the narration more punchy but that sentence still could be re-arranged so that it reads easier. Like “He was Asian with a swimmer's body and he looked really pretty.” Cedric smiled back and said he didn't handle parties well.

"Me neither. Let's be wallflower together." I'm assuming that it's a stylistic choice that Guy is using wallflowers singular when referring to the both of them. You could always try turning “wallflower” into a verb so that it would read “Let's wallflower together” since “verbing” is a recent linguistic phenomenon and would make the dialogue feel more natural.

They talked for what felt like hours. Cedric laughed more than he had in ages. He couldn't believe it when “Can't Help Falling in Love” came on and they actually started mock slow dancing. Everything was going great. Then they kissed. D'aww

Next day Cedric was scared. He never knew that side of himself. But he liked it. The guy was Ken Akimoto and they went out on a date two days later. Lacie said they were cute together, but she always made a face Cedric couldn't read when they were together.

It took Cedric, 40, ages to figure out how to use the phone. Try re-writing it as “At age 40, it took Cederic ages to figure out how to use the phone.” It flows better Kept ringing and ringing. Hank, Lacie's husband. “Hank, Lacie's husband, answered the phone.” White boy but down to earth. Cedric liked him.

"Cedric. Lacie's been trying to call you.

"We heard about Ken. She wants to know if...

"Cedric? Buddy, are you there? I can hear you breathing.

"If this is a joke it isn't funny.

"Lacie's worried. We're coming over, don't worry."

Cedric dropped the phone. The walls were closing in on him and everything was turning red. He needed to get the gently caress out. He didn't want to go back to rehab.

Cedric, 21, dropped out of college. “At age 21, Cedric dropped out of college.” The whole name and number tic is getting tiresome because 1) at best it's questionable gramar and 2) it lacks context. Ken said it was fine, just take a break. Cedric got a job paper pushing, didn't pay well but it was something. “Cedric got a paper-pushing job. It didn't pay well, but it was something.” Ken and Cedric, 22, found an apartment and moved in. “At age 22, Kevin and Cederic found an apartment and moved in.” Ken wore the pants, summa cum laude but didn't go for Graduates. Got a job at an advertising agency that paid well. Cedric really loved that high-rise. He was happy for a time.

Ken took him to Chinatown one night. For once Cedric, 24, didn't smoke. Omit the number. It shouldn't matter what age he was since “one night” implies that it was recent. Server laughed when Ken spoke Chinese. Ken was Japanese so it was a surprise. There should be a “The” next to the word “server”. Server got them the real menu, very fancy stuff for cheap. You keep omitting articles. I'm starting to think that it's a weird tic instead of a stylistic choice. They talked for a bit. How's the job? Are your parents coming for Thanksgiving? The niceties stopped though. Ken got serious.

"Please don't be mad."

Cedric promised he wouldn't get mad. I would've made the two sentences a single paragraph. Otherwise, this was neat how you juxtaposed dialogue and narration.

"I really think you should quit."

Was he talking about the job? It was dead end but Cedric liked it.

"Don't act dumb. You know what I mean. I'm worried that you may have a problem."

There wasn't a problem. He could pace himself. Cedric told him not to worry. You do a good job showing how Cedric has a dependency problem without outright stating it.

"You're getting high almost every day now. Hank said you called Lacie up one night asking to drive you to Taco Bell."

Cedric laughed. Holy poo poo comma he remembered that. Ken didn't laugh. He sat up straight and made that motherly frown of his. Ken didn't seem to mind back in school.

"You aren't in school anymore Ced. I'm just worried, okay? Please promise me you'll quit."

Cedric promised he would quit. Ken nodded and smiled.

Cedric, 24, moved out after he broke Ken's flatscreen. “At age 24, Cedric moved out after he broke Ken's flatscreen.” Cedric went over to Lacie's and cried in her arms. Lacie smiled and patted his head like a puppy.

"Screw that guy. He's got money coming out of his rear end, he could afford another loving flatscreen."

Cedric hugged Lacie, told her thank you. Now you're dropping conjunctions. Then he took a hit, asked if Lacie wanted some. Lacie looked away.

"Sorry, I'm trying to quitting." “Sorry, I'm trying to quit.”

Cedric slept on her couch for a week.

Cedric, 40, never walked outside when he was high. Seriously, you're starting to sound like Frank Miller. Always stayed inside or got into a car to go somewhere. Chronic article omission. It can happen to anyone. The creeping sense of unfamiliarity grew as he stumbled down the street. poo poo got alien to him: everything was in focus but strangely abhorrent. The sidewalks, crosswalks, alleyways, streetlamps, pedestrians, the trees, all larger and wider and slouching and verdant. This is a great way of illustrating what a bad trip is like.

A man with an elephant snout started bumbling towards him. Cedric didn't like the look of him so he ducked into an alleyway. He bumped into a giant in slouchy jeans and a wifebeater.

"Watch it rear end in a top hat."

Cedric watched it but he fell on his rear end. He groaned. The giant looked towards his gremlin friend and cackled.

"Holy poo poo do you see this guy?"

The gremlin wore a hood over a baseball cap started laughing too. Now you're dropping pronouns. The clown to the giant's left, white bread what? and wearing a beanie, grinned and pointed at Cedric.

"Dude this nigga high as hell."

"Hey man where you get the chronic?"

Cedric whimpered. This was a nightmare, he was going to wake up soon. Drop the comma and make them into two separate sentences or else add “and” between the both of them. He rolled onto his scraped knees and started trying to crawl away. Something grabbed him by the hair and threw him back.

"Never did like loving tramps."

"Mikey tape this poo poo." Missing comma

The clown pulled some alien device out and aimed it at Cedric as the gremlin and giant started pounding Cedric into mush. They kept talking about posting it online. Youtube superstars. This fragment has no context. Cedric vomited blood and he think thought he pissed his pants and as the monsters started howling. His mouth tasted of metal and he passed out after that.

Cedric, 35, lost his job paper pushing. He came into work high. Lacie wasn't answering her phone so he went home and got high. Lacie called him back.

"...Ced, are you high?"

No he was not high. Was That's what he wanted to tell her but instead he slipped and hit his head on the counter. When the ambulance came they found Cedric on the floor with a gash in his forehead.

They put him in rehab for several months. When they let him out, Cedric, 36, felt like a new man. He discovered that he didn't need weed. He reconnected with his parents and got up on his feet. Found He found a job as a McDonalds manager. He was happy for a time. Lacie stopped talking to him though comma and that disappointed him.

Cedric, 40, couldn't get up. They took his wallet and left him on the ground. No matter how much he scratched and clawed at the brick wall he could not get up. He was stuck on the ground and he couldn't get up.

"Try not to fall when you trip cuz' it's hard to get back up."

Holy poo poo! He just got that! Cedric started laughing with vomit on his face and piss in his pants! period It was the funniest loving thing! He kept laughing until the ambulance came! period He kept laughing when they strapped him down on the gurney. And he didn't stop laughing until they stabbed him with a needle.

Cedric Conrad woke up in the hospital. There were flowers and baskets sitting next to him. He was so lucky to be alive, so many people that truly loved him. Cedric did not smile though. Everything looked gray.

Cedric, 40, got a phonecall. It was someone he didn't recognize.

"Is this Cedric Conrad?"

“This is him.”

"My name is Yuri Akimoto. My brother, Ken, was in a car accident last night."

Cedric hung up the phone. Ditched and ditched work. Went He went downtown and hit the first dealer he found. Then he went home and lit up. Took him a minute to remember how to breathe.

I can see what you're going for. You're trying to match the disorienting effect of inebriation by bouncing around different times. It's doable, but what hamstrings your story is the bad grammar. And yes, I'm very aware of the irony hypocrisy. But grammar is context and context is ultimately subjective and different person to person. You have the context to where you can drop the little things like articles, pronouns, and conjunctions. You have the context to where you can cram sentences together without proper parsing. You have the context to where you can designate where the characters are by stating a number next to their name. But as the reader, I don't have the context. Every time this ride is about to get started, it stops and I have to do the work and fix it myself. The idea is good but if the delivery isn't competent then the idea is worthless. Remember, it's not what you have, it's the way you use it.

Benny the Snake fucked around with this message at Jul 1, 2014 around 03:47

Anomalous Blowout
Feb 13, 2006

I crashed Thunderdome's 6th Birthday and all I got was this av!

THUNDERDOME WEEK 99 RESULTS: Insert a joke about entries being problems here

This round, 17 of 19 signups submitted, which was a pleasant surprise given the shortened week.

More or less everyone managed to stay on theme with varying degrees of success, which was also good to see. Overall, all three judges agreed that the content of this week's entries definitely tipped toward the higher-quality end of the scale.

That being said, there was one entry that stood out head and shoulders to all three of us as the WINNER: crabrock's story of an empathic firefighter was wonderfully feely and may or may not have made one of the judges tear up a tiny bit. The ending in particular had some great imagery, and depsite the fact that we only got to know the protagonist for 890 words, we wanted him to make it, drat it.

Honorable Mentions go to the Thunderdome Sensory Romance Power Hour. We got a surprising amount of romance entries this round, and it was difficult to pick a favourite among them. Kaishai had a dramatic, well-wrought tale of lovers at a train station with some turns of phrase that really impressed. On the other end of the spectrum we had Nethilia whose romance was utterly down to earth, but the judges appreciated that true-to-life feeling is just as hard to obtain. God Over Djinn also struck a romancey chord in our cold judgmental hearts, and the purposeful, calculating nature of her protagonist was a touch we all appreciated.

Each one of those HMs probably could have been a winner in a weaker round, or if someone had buried crabrock in their backyard.

As far as DMs and losers go, there were some low-middling pieces that will not be DMed this week simply because the worst of the worst was a whole 'nother level of bad.

Dishonourable Mention goes to PoshAlligator. From the first line onwards this story is jumbled and confusing. The sentence fragment problem from last week rears its ugly head again. Right when it finally starts to build a tiny bit of suspense at the end, you underwhelm the judges by having the whole story be about a blind guy throwing away a dead mouse. Not so rad.

Loser this week was a tossup between either you or Posh, but congratulations, Benny the Snake, yours was technically worse and more of a letdown. You at least managed to acknowledge the theme, but "man who can smell a lot of stuff, smokes e-cigs" wasn't an interesting enough premise to grab the judges when there was no actual plot to be found.

Congratulations to the HMs and winner, and an overall congratulation to those not listed as DMs/losers, because there really were some quality bits and pieces in the middle this time.

Crits incoming, and we'll see what BadSeafood has in store for WEEK ONE HUNDRED. See you in a couple weeks, crabrock!

Anomalous Blowout fucked around with this message at Jul 1, 2014 around 00:12

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Week 99 Djesercrits will be here:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing LINK FIXED, COMMENTS VISIBLE NOW

Currently, Schneider, D.O.G.O., Benny, Djinn, Crabrock, and PoshAlligator have their crits up. Everyone else, expect to have yours soon, though likely after Wednesday, as I have work and a brawl.

Djeser fucked around with this message at Jul 1, 2014 around 00:25

curlingiron
Dec 15, 2006

Adventure Awaits!


Fun Shoe

Week 99 crits
yes I know I still haven't done crits from contagion week, I'm sorry

First of all, I'd like to say that the mean quality of the stories this round was probably the highest for any week that I've judged so far. Not once during the judgment process did I want to die, nor did I pop a rage boner, which was an incredibly refreshing change of pace.

That having been said, this is Thunderdome, and in hindsight my crits are perhaps a little more vitriolic than necessary in some cases, considering I did them as I read last night. A majority of these complaints I would actually consider fairly nitpicky, to be honest. There are several of you who still need to work on figuring out basic story structure, and a few of you for whom basic grammar lessons would not be amiss, but again, for the most part, I had far fewer complaints than I'm used to having. GO TEAM!


Yeah, okay, whatever. Here are crits:


Schneider Heim
Pretty eh on this one. Nothing terribly distinguishing about it, but not terrible by any stretch. I thought the “AND NO ONE ELSE CAME TO HER FUNERAL” thing was a little over the top, and, uh, how did the sister learn sign language if her mother didn’t teach it to her? Did the younger brother come out of the womb magically knowing sign language and make the effort to engage his older sister in conversation? That seemed weird to me. I guess that’s all, though.


D.O.G.O.G.B.Y.N
Was the terrible grammar and syntax supposed to be a stylistic thing here? I kept vacillating between thinking it was something you were doing intentionally, and thinking that maybe English isn’t your first language. If it was the former, I don’t think that it works in this case, since you’re using a third person narrative, and even if you weren’t, it’s a little racist, don’t you think? If it was the latter, then, uh, sorry? Read more, I guess.
Also, what the gently caress was up with the poles around the village? Were they supposed to be lightning rods? I had this weird moment where I thought this was some kind of post-apocalyptic scenario, but there really wasn’t enough information to figure out what was going on. That’s frustrating as a reader, and really detracts from what you’re trying to do.
P.S. Maggots only eat dead flesh, I don’t think they’d do anything in your ears but try to get out.


Benny the Snake
Ugh, I loving hate perspective shifts within a scene. I hate them so much. There are some more weird things you’ve got going on here (no hipster bartender calls himself a “mixologist,” that term is on the menus at Red Robin ffs; you’ve got excessive scene-setting that isn’t really necessary – like the bartender; random characters pop up without introduction – who the gently caress is Mark?; etc.), but that was my biggest complaint. Oh yeah, and the fact that it’s not really a story. At the end of your piece, I not only wasn’t sure if the chef was actually a bear or not, I didn’t really care at all. It could have been the beginning of a longer plotline, like the introduction to this weird bear-chef with a smoking habit (I’m not up on e-cig tech, either, but you might want to research this a little more before you use it in a story again), who then gets pulled into a Chinese mafia turf war or something, but this? Isn’t much of anything.


God Over Djinn
You bitch, you know I’m a math nerd. Augh, I like this a lot, and I feel like it’s pandering to me somehow. Like, throw a cat in there and you’ve basically got “hey curlingiron, I wrote you this”.txt. …But I still love it.


Crabrock
gently caress, dude. gently caress. …I got nothing. This is rad as poo poo. The ending was maybe a little cheesy, but I was into it.


PoshAlligator
I don’t know what it is about your prose, but it’s really hard to parse. I might have to put this aside and read it again later to make sure it’s not just me, but even beyond your over-fondness for sentence fragments in your first paragraph (which I know Kaishai has discussed already), your word choice – particularly adjectives and adverbs – is… Really odd sometimes. I’m not sure how to explain it other than that. Here, for example: “hearing them crumple defeated, as he wished he could.” What? Again, maybe it’s me, but this is loving weird to try and parse in my head as I’m reading.
Okay, now that I’ve read the whole thing… What? So what? Why do I care about any of this? Is this some kind of metaphor for something that I’m not getting? I’m only saying this as a possibility because I have been completely oblivious to subtleties of a story on at least one occasion while judging, but this just smacks of “pretty vignette” to me. You showed me some senses (semi-obtrusively), but you forgot to put any sort of plot in there. C’mon, man.


Obliterati
Your first line makes me hate your character. Was this intentional?
‘Startled deer in a faeces factory.’ I can actually hear you chuckling over this line. I hate it.
Did your main character just kill a man with an elbow to the stomach? I’m torn between irritated and impressed.
Okay, so if I’m reading this right, Nameless Business Dude pays Barry to do drugs for him, but only on the weekends? I guess that’s… kind of interesting. What makes NBD’s bond with Barry so special that he can feel it across such a great distance, when he has such a weak connection with everyone else? I feel like there are a lot of odd holes that detract from the piece. I don’t really resonate at all with any of the characters (who are barely characters), which doesn’t help.


Kalyco
Please don’t name two characters two things that are nigh impossible to tell apart when you’re reading quickly. I kept having to go back to figure out which one was Arny and which was Ary. It was annoying, and totally unnecessary. Rule zero of writing should be ‘don’t intentionally piss off your readers.’ We get that they’re twins and it’s confusing to everyone else, but I don’t read books to get annoyed and confused (unless I’m reading Gene Wolfe, and at least then it’s confusing in a good way).
Speaking of Wolfe, your ending is weird, and I am somewhat nonplussed by it. Is this a commentary on one brother always wanting what the other has, but being unable to attain it? Is Erin his ~Twue Wuv~? I don’t get it.
Oh yeah, and there’s no way that they would put a kid in a separate track in school because he was colorblind. We’re looking at reintegration in schooling whenever possible; colorblindness requires pretty minimal accommodations, afaik. I teach high school math, though, so maybe somebody else can fact check me on this one. /teacher rant


Teddybear
This… Is actually pretty good. I have maybe some quibbles with it being a little too rushed, but I think that’s just because you put in a lot of story into a short space. There’s also a weird thing going on with the voice of the narrator in this… Is it passive voice? I’m not sure exactly what it is, but it feels like I’m reading a very detached narrative of events instead of a person’s experiences, which is what I expect when I’m reading something in the first person. But it was a pretty decent little narrative for what it was, and I appreciated it. Good job!


Ironic Twist
What just happened here? What is going on? Who has a missing sense or an extra one? Is that a thing in this story? I am seriously confused as hell right now. Did they go to the hospital after she STUCK HER loving HAND IN BOILING WATER??? Or was it just “oh, hee hee, I’ll recreate the day we met and our love will be restored~”? I know nothing about these characters, and none of their motivations make any sense to me. You need to either give your reader more clues as to what’s going on, or maybe just rethink the whole plotline.


SittingHere
drat, girl, I got nothing to say to you, either. Your prose is lovely as always. This sort of reminded me of your entry for Captain Thunderdome, actually; maybe just because of the sinkholes and houses bit. Sorry I don’t have more for you. This was up for an HM, but there was some trepidation on giving out a million of those this week. Sorry!


WeLandedOnTheMoon!
This is another one where it feels like it ends really abruptly. You packed a lot of poo poo in here, and it’s lost a lot of its emotional impact because of it. I think your premise is interesting, but it’s lacking the emotional depth that would make me really connect with any of the characters. You’ve got a few random typos, too, which are annoying, but I’m sure you’ll pick up on if you give it another read-through.


Kaishai
Aww, sweet. I’m sorry, some of these crits aren’t going to be very helpful, especially when they stories are of high caliber like this one. This story has a nice depth of prose, but feels a little light in the plot department. I did enjoy your use of both a missing and additional sense, and I thought that this sense was very creative, if a little weird. Good weird, though.


Thalamas
Oh, this was a nice one, too. You leave a lot of things unsaid here, but I really enjoy the parts that you left out; they’re not necessary, but they’re intimated appropriately, and in a way that makes them feel natural. If that makes any sense. I think your opening paragraphs border on overblown, but I enjoyed them anyway. You have some nice imagery in there, but there are a few parts you could probably pare down without losing any of the power you have going for you. This was a sweet story, and I really liked it.


Nethilia
Aaaaaugh, sad story?!? We were doing so well this week, why’d you kill the love?? Nah, this was good, and I liked it a lot. You did a brief genderswap on the baby at the very end, though, which might be my only complaint. Oh, and your opening sentence uses “had been” instead of “was,” which I think reads a little easier. That’s about it, though. I’M HELPING!!


Grizzled Patriarch
Oh my god, what did I just read. Was this a story? I have phantom itching all over my body, I’m thoroughly uncomfortable, and I hate you. I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY!!


Tyrannosaurus
The other judges liked this piece, but I was pretty disappointed in the ending. You had almost 500 more words to play with, and you chose to end it THERE? Right when the interesting part happens? Why? Hell, you probably could have just scrapped most of what you wrote here, and just written about going to Iraq to get a dude’s leg back, and it would have been pretty rad. I don’t know, I like your idea, but I think that you mishandled it here. This piece is entirely setup and no follow-through.

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


PoshAlligator posted:

Well, here's my entry.

Inspired by Taco's version of "Puttin' on the Ritz".

---

Puttin' on the Ritz


https://soundcloud.com/xavier-marchena/ritz


Yea, this just happened.

Schneider Heim
Oct 17, 2012


Benny the Snake posted:

Would you please do a line-by-line critique of my current TD entry Helm?

Sure. Expect it in a day or two.

a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly


Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


oh poo poo wrong thread

flerp fucked around with this message at Jul 1, 2014 around 02:08

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

High marks for compassion, low marks for survival skills





My last few, much-belated, crits from Thunderdome XCVII

Fumblemouse - Getting His Wings

I liked the idea of the Sergeant’s thing for story mechanics, but it didn’t quite come off. Felt like you were winking at the audience a bit too much. It was otherwise a fine, well-told story that, for whatever reason, never quite grabbed me, and I think that’s down to the abrupt ending. I’d have liked to have seen more rumination on the events at the end. I don’t know if the protagonist thinks he did something worthwhile that ended badly, if he thinks he was an idiot, both, neither, or what. As it is, it just stops with the event and the Sarge cracking wise about character development.

Sebmojo - Justice Is A Good Machine

Were I to choose one word to sum up what I like about this story, that word would be atmosphere. This story does a fantastic job at giving me a sense of what it means to be,in this place. But again, I find it difficult to personally connect with these people. Everything’s held at some remove. Not necessarily a bad thing at all, some wonderful authors have done their best work like that. It’s just not what I prefer.

Ultimately the worst I can say about this one, though, is that there were better this week.

Fuschia Tude - The Climb

I have nothing against making the reader work a bit in a story, but the more work you require, the sweeter the reward had better be. And this just offers nothing but an admittedly clever (if you had pulled it off) puzzle-box plotline. I’ve done this before, and was rightly lambasted for it, and so I pass the experience on to you.

You give us a sequence of events, and nothing else. Imagine writing Hamlet as “The ghost of Hamlet’s father told him he was murdered by his uncle. He went a little crazy and hatched all sorts of schemes that ultimately led to the deaths of everyone he had ever cared about. THE END,” except even there you kind of feel for Hamlet. No such luck here.

No moral dilemma, no dilemma of any sort, no sense of who this farmer is, what prompted him to volunteer to go looking for food, what’s happening to him, or why it matters that he’s (assuming I’m even reading this correctly, and I’m far from sure of that) become the agent of his own destruction through some kind of time travel.

Nothing here matters. So why should I read it?

Grizzled Patriarch - Fresh Powder

Here we have another well-written story that just doesn’t quite fit the prompt, though I suppose a literal struggle against the environment isn’t completely alien to what was asked. You do a good job of evoking the hopeless situation that Albert and the girl are in, though I find myself wondering who she is to him. He’s in a desperate, difficult situation, of that there’s no doubt. What I think I missed here was something that pushes him over the line from ‘person fighting for his life’ or even ‘person fighting for the life of his sister/daughter/complete stranger’ to ‘hero’.There is, again, no sense of why. It’s a hard thing to do, because doubtless he doesn’t even question what he’s doing, but I should really learn something about him through his actions and responses to situations, and all I’ve really learned is that he’s apparently bad at hunting.

Tyrannosaurus - O.G.

I think what pushes this from good to better for me is the idea that Juko isn't just a victim of his past, but that he's actively complicit in maintaining that life for himself. It makes his desire for something better for Rozay that much more poignant. A strong entry during a pretty strong week.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

I always win when Seadoof plans a prompt take over.


Seriously 100% of the time now.

God Over Djinn
Jan 17, 2005

onwards and upwards


Crit for Benny the Snake's Ursine Cuisine:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

God Over Djinn
Jan 17, 2005

onwards and upwards


Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


A hundred weeks of Thunderdome. Just a few shy from the thread's second birthday to boot. That's a lot of Thunderdome, and a couple of us old timers feel like we deserve a curveball of a prompt in celebration.

Thunderdome Weak One Zero Zero: The Black Attache Case

First a bit of mood music.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zlSQcI6zS7Q

Los Grano D'oro. A coastal city halfway between nowhere and everywhere, its dark streets bathed in the glow of a thousand neon signs. Night has come to this city. Night and fear. Fear and opportunity. Somewhere in the beating heart of this international port, a man has misplaced something. Something valuable; irreplaceable. Even now he haunts the streets, a cigarette on his lips and a question on his mind.

"What has become of the black attache case?"

This week on Thunderdome, we're doing something a little different. A little complicated. Try to keep up. It gets good, I promise. In the middle of the night, an incredibly important briefcase goes missing. Tomorrow it could be anywhere. In the meantime, it is going to change a lot of hands. Sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose. Whose purpose? I guess that's for you guys to decide.

This week we will all be writing in a shared universe. Specifically, each of your stories will be taking place in the aforementioned city over the course of this long, lonesome night. Each of you will be charged with writing the POV of someone - anyone - who has come across the black attache case, only to have it taken from them sometime later. How and where they found it is up to you, as is how they inevitably lose it. Maybe they stole it or killed a man for it. Maybe they misplaced it, or pawned it off for cash. It's a tight-knit world out there tonight. Tighter than you'd think. One man's loss is another man's gain.

As this is a shared universe, it wouldn't surprise me to see a few familiar faces. In fact, that's exactly what I what. After you've drawn up your leading man or woman, feel free to post them either here or over in the Thunderdome IRC channel (check the OP). Authors are subsequently encouraged to incorporate one another's characters into their own submission. Think of it as a supporting cast pool we all contribute to. Nobody needs to ask your permission to use your character, and you don't need to ask anyone else's. Unless you're going to kill them. Then you need permission. This should go without saying, but obviously only ONE person can kill your character, so if it isn't you then you should probably think about picking your murderer carefully.

Of course, if you'd rather play your cards close to your chest and not share anything that's fine too. Jerk.

After you've signed up, unless you plan on posting your character in here, DO NOT POST ANYTHING until sign ups close on July 4th, midnight PST. At that time, one of your esteemed judges will post the Clearly Labeled Prologue that gets this whole mess started. From there you have until July 6th, also midnight (still PST) to post your submission. At some point in the middle, someone else will be responsible for a Blatant Intermission, which won't matter too much, leading into an Obvious Epilogue that will later wrap things up. Submissions may be up to 1,000 words in length.

Deep breath here, fellas.

FINALLY, on three different days to be decided at the judges' discretion, each of us will post a supporting character of our own design in this very thread. Once posted, up to five different authors can claim that character for use in their submission. One of them, randomly, will be told the fate of that character lies in their hands. For everyone else, for better or worse, these particular supporting characters must survive your literary onslaught no matter what. Nobody has to claim any of these characters, but if you do you can only claim one.

Okay, that should be everything. Just to nip a few question in the bud, though:

WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE CITY?
Los Grano D'oro is a multicultural port city set in the vaguely modern day. Where, specifically, is irrelevant. The name's Spanish, but people the world over live and die here, so don't feel hedged in when it comes to anyone's background. Likewise, feel free to play it fast and loose with the zoning board. If you say there's a Chinatown, guess what? There's a Chinatown. If it helps at all to think about it, picture a place halfway between Hong Kong and Los Angeles.

WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE CASE?
You don't need to know what's in the case. Neither does the audience. If you show me what's in the case I will literally be so angry.

WHAT CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT THE GENRE?
No fantasy, no science fiction. Surrealism and magical realism are permitted provided you've got what it takes to pull them off. You probably don't. Aside from that, just the usual: no fanfiction, no erotica.

SINCE CRABROCK GETS WEEK 101 WHAT DO I GET?
What indeed.

TL;DR?
The macguffin is missing. Each of your protagonists is one in a long line of characters whose hands the macguffin passes through. Tell me about your character's time with the macguffin. Don't tell me about the macguffin. In the beginning you found it and in the end you lose it. Bonus points for populating your story with characters from other people's imaginations.

I STILL DON'T GET IT?
It's Pulp Fiction, Thunderdome-style.

Take it away.

DIRECTORS
Sitting Here
Bad Seafood
Fanky Malloons

WRITERS
Nethilia
Djeser
Sebmojo
DuckyB
Whalley
Mercedes
Phobia
Broenheim
Crabrock
Anomalous Blowout
God Over Djinn
SurreptitiousMuffin
The Saddest Rhino (tentatively)
Thalamas
Meeple (by association)
Docbeard
Grizzled Patriarch
Meinberg
ZorajitZorajit
Obliterati
Kalyco
Noah
Leekster
D.O.G.O.G.B.Y.N.
WeLandedOnTheMoon!
Fuschia Tude
Nikaer Drekin
Benny the Snake
Dmboogie
RunningIntoWalls
Schneier Heim
Paladinus
Ironic Twist
Kurona_bright
Fumblemouse
PoshAlligator
Tyrannosaurus
King Cohort
QuoProQuid
Entenzahn

ACTORS

Whalley posted:

Ilana is an ex-IDF member who, upon completion of her tour of duty, hosed right off to Los Grano D'Oro and became a bartender. She has really short hair, is uncomfortable around strangers, and loves silver rings.

Mercedes posted:

Black Jesus: Nigga of Man, black, dreadlocked, smooth-talking holy man of a run down lovely church deep in the hood. Is also not the real Black Jesus.

DuckyB posted:

Phillip Clarion is a thirty-six year old, French-American man, and the primary enforcer of an anonymous fixer-for-hire agency. His team specializes in digital security and acquisition, but he will not shy away from personally handling jobs that require a physical presence. At 5'4" and 130 lbs., his slim, brown-haired, brown-eyed, pale does not cut an imposing figure. This perceived weakness has become the core of his role as an enforcer. Phillip strives to achieve assigned objectives with stealth, efficiency, and minimal body count.

On each job, Phillip a slim, false cigar wallet filled with dissoluble drugs, ranging from sedatives to lethal poisons, a burner, jailbroken smartphone connecting him to his team, and a 9mm Springfield XD-S for emergency use. To aid in infiltration and security detail assignments, he studies and practices both parkour and aikido, and recently attained the rank of Rokudan in the latter art. Training in these particular arts has given him a deep appreciation for patience and repetition in practice, as well as fluidity and intuition in implementation. During field observation he tends to dress and act as boringly as possible until his team confirms a target, and prefers to subtly sedate or poison any victims rather than use more direct methods of violence. Outside of work, he possesses a somber but relaxed disposition, rarely seeking out social contact on his own but willing to entertain a few co-workers and close friends.

The Saddest Rhino posted:

Erik is sad. Erik's a blonde bearded trucker from America with cold blue eyes, and huge like a mack truck (think The Mountain for your popular culture references). He is distant and quiet, and mostly thoughtful. His presence in Los Grano D'oro is up to you. Erik is permanently depressed.

Also he's gay.

E: I give you all permission to have Erik sex any character.

Thalamas posted:

Molly is all of thirteen, has multi-colored hair, and a smart mouth. She doesn't believe the rumors at school about her father being a mob lawyer and has gotten into a few fights about it. Elmo, their bodyguard, is just around because daddy loves her.

Elmo is a mob enforcer assigned to watch over Molly's father and his family, though he is particularly devoted to the kid. His nickname is St. Elmo's Fire. Dropped out of seminary for mysterious reasons.

Meeple posted:

Barry 'Baz' Richards is, in his own words, "just a guy who does stuff, like. It's a job, innit?" A small-time London crook and shady 'entrepreneur', he wound up in Los Grano D'oro a few years back after a spectacularly convoluted plan gone wrong (he refuses to talk about it), and has been scraping by ever since.

sebmojo posted:

Rolf Backslash, trucker and poet. Hairline: receding. Belly: vast. Odor: pungent in the extreme.

SurreptitiousMuffin posted:

Pretty Peter Polio is a heroin addict and occasional medical assistant, mostly because he's good with needles. His body is gaunt but his face is RIDICULOUS HANDSOME OMG GUYS SRSLY.

docbeard posted:

Miriam and Michael Augustine made their fortunes the old-fashioned way: by stealing them. That's all behind them now. They've long since traded their high-society con artistry and jewel thievery in for a life of idle luxury, devoted instead to each other and the finer things in life (particularly those fine things that come from a bottle). But their past isn't quite done with them. Nor they with it.

Grizzled Patriarch posted:

Hector is a wharf rat. He's semi-indigent, crashing where he can, and he worries constantly about making ends meet. Recently he's gotten into trouble with some dangerous people, and now he just wants to get as far away from Los Grano D'Oro as possible.

Meinberg posted:

Alex Lecosto has her fingers everywhere in the Los Grano D'oro art scene. Poetry, galleries, theater, her words and her money make her influence known to all and sundry. She enjoys the control that she asserts, the power and influence she reaps, and the shoulders that she rubs with. But her end game is a mystery to everyone but herself. She's androgynous, pale, tall, and sharply-featured, and flaunts her asexuality. Her weapon of choice is her wits and her words, with her web of favors as a back-up if she really needs it.

ZorajitZorajit posted:

Elle FR Velez, late night DJ. Elle's show is the sounding board for half a hundred crazies, advertisements for quote-unquote massage parlors, and the very best music in the world. Somebody broke Elle's heart in her youth and she never got over it.

Obliterati posted:

Alabama Eriksson is a renegade archaeologist who lost his prestigious lecturing gig after he confused two types of pottery that six people on Earth give a poo poo about. Shunned by his peers, he makes ends meet appraising idols looted from lost temples and drafting up fakes to go with them. He has really great jokes about the Neolithic that his new associates just don't get, but one day he's gonna make it back to the big leagues and this time he's gettin' tenure.

God Over Djinn posted:

Yvonne, 20. Short, lots of dark curly hair, heavily pregnant. Perpetual scowl. Baseball cap, brim pulled down low. Was the only girl on her high school football team. Just dropped out of St. John's great books program to come back to the LGD, and she is not happy about it. She really thought she'd gotten out of this place, but Fate has a funny way of kicking you in the dick sometimes.

Broenheim posted:

Shannon is visiting Los Grano D'oro to see the festival held there every year. She's a twenty-something year old whose spending her you (and the rest of her parent's money) traveling the world, and she's already been to a good amount of places. She's young, but cautious, and tries her best to blend in with the crowd. She'd rather watch something from afar instead of getting involved.

D.O.G.O.G.B.Y.N. posted:

Mr. G is a former high school biology teacher in his early thirties who was forced into desperate measures (gov't cut funding, salaries got worse, society got worse). He now lives in a dingy two-room apartment growing transgenic marijuana (Shady Employer of Your Choice supplied him with a stolen gene gun, plus eventual maintenance). Said marijuana has a lot of THC (20% in the unprocessed plant), though it's flipsided by potential side-effects such as nearly fatal, minutes-long convulsive laughter episodes, or a 'lude-like laxing of bodily functions that's quite impossibilitating. Effects vary among users. Mr. G is a frail, very attentive, very nervous man, especially in the vicinity of Shady Employer's enforcers or other related crooks. He's paranoid of Shady Employer's activies and what they might mean to his own future.

WeLandedOnTheMoon! posted:

Taj "Coyotaje" Clinton is a tall, thin, and handsome man who is never caught without his Australian outback hat and aviator shades. When he was six, Taj started his smuggling career under the tutelage of his father. For the next twenty years, he smuggled narcotics and people across the Mexican boarder for the Los Zetas cartel. He eventually started using what he was smuggling, taking a cut here or there where the Zetas wouldn't notice. Someone did, because the last thing Taj remembers about his smuggling career is that night that when he was hauling cocaine and migrants through South Texas. The slapjack to the head. Waking up in the desert. Everything gone.

Taj knew that the Zetas would be looking for him, so he went into hiding and got sober, except for the two packs of cigarettes he smoked daily. He had a kid of his own, Melinda, and although the marriage was short, Taj was happy.

That was thirteen years ago.

Thirteen days ago, Taj received a call from a voice he knew, but didn't know. The Los Zetas have Melinda, but promised to keep her safe for fourteen days. They'd even forgive his debt, but after that, "there are no promises anymore." The only way Taj will ever see his daughter again is by apprehending the man known only as Domingo Silver and returning him to the Zetas. He's tracked Silver to Los Grano D'oro.

"Person for person," they promised, "on our honor."

He'll hold them to it.

Nikaer Drekin posted:

Madame Hyacinth, real name Harriet Dorsey, runs Madame Hyacinth's Cure-Alls and Curios, a squat little new-age store on one of the million street corners in Los Grano D'Oro. Now in her mid-fifties, she didn't come of age during the hippie-dippy era but still welcomes its spirit into almost every aspect of her life. That's not to say she's blissfully naive; her ex-husband is locked away and serving a life sentence, and she's had to run her shop alone as a result. When her store seemed to be bleeding money, she made a decision: she'd have to offer something more than incense sticks and chakra stones. Now, Cure-Alls and Curios doubles as a safe house where, for a reasonable fee, mobsters can hide drug stashes, weapons, and all manner of other criminal paraphernalia. Despite the risk involved, Hyacinth has been crafty enough to avoid detection so far. Of course, the fact that her twin brother is a police lieutenant probably means she could sweet-talk her way out of a bust if necessary.

Benny the Snake posted:

Todd Templeton, age 43. Profession: professional gambler. Which is just a euphamism for "Compulsive gambler with enough skill to keep himself out of bankruptcy". Losing at the blackjack tables at the El Diablito casino, Todd one day has a chance encounter with a lady in a red dress and a mysterious briefcase.

dmboogie posted:

Rose is an African-American woman in her late twenties, about 5'9 and in excellent physical condition. She has been staying in Los Grano D'oro for about a month at the behest of her employer, an infuriatingly cryptic organization known as "The Vermilion Moth". Rose's mission is to thwart the goals of her employer's rival, the similarly cryptic and presumably infuriating "The Turquoise Mantis". This takes the form of many things, whether that be moving a particular table in a particular cafe a couple inches to the right, or assassinating certain inconvenient people.

Rose prides herself on her professionalism, maintaining a calm and polite attitude whenever she's on the job. Off the clock, she tends to keep to herself. Lately, she has been having doubts about her line of work.

RunningIntoWalls posted:

Hello fellow entrepreneurs,

My name is Mr. Williams. I am the local owner of the billiard hall on Flower Hill Road past the florist on the corner of Flower and Barnacle Drive. I need someone to help recover my briefcase as something very important was in it. I last remember it being at the Sidewalk's End bar on the night of July 24th. All applicants will be paid on how fast the briefcase will be returned. Please don't open the briefcase, as you know what they say, "curiosity killed the cat". Please also be on your best behavior as the regulars don't appreciate their elderly host be smacked around. Happy hunting and I wish you a great day.

Signed,

Mr. Williams

Schneider Heim posted:

Bran Brahms (may or may not be his real name) is a fifty-something man who hangs out by the docks, teaching medieval weapon-fighting to a small community of LARPers. Carries a wooden sword, dispensing his own brand of justice on rowdy drunks at night. Dresses like it's a Renaissance Fair everyday. May or may not be right in the head, but he'll have your back.

Fuschia tude posted:

Issa Brückenau is a larger than life (in every sense) film magnate. He struck gold with a series of hits back in the 70s, before some high-profile flops in the 80s nearly shut him down. Though the studio subsists today by relentlessly exploiting its properties, Issa still sees entry to the big galas in town, usually showing up an hour late and already buzzed. He's somehow survived all this time without dying of a heart attack or alcohol poisoning; though he likes to play the fat bumbling oaf, his few friends know he has a kind of vicious cunning when he sees something he wants.

Ironic Twist posted:

Morris Aram is a homeless ex-standup comedian with a scraggly blonde beard who’s currently trying on alcoholism to see how well it fits. He left the business two years ago after clubs wouldn’t hire him because he pissed off a linchpin in the East Coast scene by telling her to “go buy a sex toy with a name that ends in –tron.” Has read the tattered copy of From Those Wonderful Folks Who Brought You Pearl Harbor he keeps in his back pocket fourteen times. Has fantasies of being a 70’s ad exec, living and dying by his wit and wordplay. Cannot be fake-nice to people he doesn’t like or respect. Came to Los Granos D’Oro because nobody knows who he is. Yet.

crabrock posted:

My character is a trash collector.

You don't know anything about him other than that though, because who knows anything about their trash collectors?

However, he may be seen around town/getting in the way/picking up the trash, but you don't talk to him and he doesn't talk to you.

He is average build/overweight, dirty, salt & peppered unkempt hair, gruff, and stinks to high hell when he's on the job.

Paladinus posted:

Meet a simple Polish locksmith Jacek Skwarek, age 32. He's visiting his nouveau riche of a childhood friend* who resides in an opulent penthouse right in the middle of the city's Soho. The two didn't see each other since uni, and learning about his mate's glamorous and adventurous lifestyle fills Jacek with remorse about his average uneventful life in Poland. Nevertheless, without much experience in traveling abroad and with little knowledge of foreign languages Jacek feels alien in Los Granos D'Oro and wouldn't even want to try his luck in exploring the city without a guide.

Jacek is reasonably thin and is always slouched standing at 6'5 (2 m). His shaved head complements an unmemorable face of a Slavic working man.

Nethilia posted:

“Candy” Ashley is about 18 years old and living in Los Grano D'oro because poo poo, it's there and she's there and she found a place.

She has heavy lidded olive-gray eyes, is tiny (about 5'2") with a sleek, slim build, and has pale skin that can let her pass as about four races/ethnicities, but especially black and Latina. Her silky, straight, jet black hair is worn in a high ponytail that reminds people of a flowing stream. Her street wear is weird enough to make someone do a double take but nothing overly flashy: dark grey tank, red mesh overshirt, blue jeans with black patches, big silver loop earrings, a red stone pendant, and grey sneakers. Unless she has her rollerblades on (which she always does on the streets) and those are black and red roller blades, the old 90s looking ones.

Her attitude in passing or quick views by others? She makes you think of a deadly, chaotic, unpredictable eel.

kurona_bright posted:

Ruth Lin is 21 years old, and wears her straight black hair in a ponytail. Completely blind without her glasses. Somewhat short and slightly overweight, she silently judges anybody who comments on it. Sticks to casual clothes in order to blend in with the crowd. Anybody who either manages to touch a nerve or mention photography, celebrities, or programming has their ear talked off.

She mans a cash register at a nearby hardware store while looking for a job that uses her newly-obtained community college degree. She hates the job, but is good at hiding it.

Her main hobby is street photography, and she has absolutely no qualms about possible invasions of privacy. Has become proficient at hiding her printed porny romance novels from her fellow bus passengers.

Fumblemouse posted:

Austin Stevens is a dirty, smelly, washed up wreck of a man who panhandles on streetcorners. He has a seemingly endless collection of Apocalyptic signs, warning of the end of the world, the coming of the beast, the fall of Babylon etc. Every single one of them is lettered with exquisite calligraphy.

If you ever see him standing up rather than hunched beside a wall, bottle beside him and rambling almost incomprehensibly, you will discover he is infeasibly tall. He does not write personal ads - but he does clip interesting ones from the personals section of the city's last remaining newspaper after he's finished sleeping under it.

Anomalous Blowout posted:

Adelmo Concepción is a quiet man with a disposition that leans toward cheerful. He's a native of Los Grano D'oro, getting into his fifties, and for twenty some-odd years in his youth, he was curator of La Galería Sinsonte. He ran the Galería with his high school sweetheart, Carminda, who was the artistic brains behind the operation. They married in their late teens and he happily sold Carminda's work into their middle years. He was forced to close the Galería when his wife fell ill, and after nursing her through a slow and agonising death at the hands of kidney failure, he was left to raise their daughter alone.

Adelmo presently works as a cab driver, and since he works nights on weekends, the pay is usually enough. But he's just found out that little Rosalinde has been accepted into a prestigious arts school. How is he going to afford tuition?

PoshAlligator posted:

Kurt Geyser is a failing stand-up comedian whose life has gone downhill ever since he left his cosy, secure gig as an entertainer at a middling holiday park on the coast of Devon. He thought he was on the up and up after his agent booked him a gig headlining at the Los Grano D'oro Improv, but as he got off the aeroplane and checking his phone it turned out he had mistakenly been booked instead of Burt Geyser, a regular on UK comedy panels shows. He's now replacing Kurt at the Improv, but the comedy club has been kind of enough to let Kurt keep the hotel room for the few days he had been booked. He decides to stay on and check out Los Grano D'oro, the furthest away from home he's ever been. Maybe he can find somewhere to network or hit up a couple of open mics. Maybe he can just enjoy himself for the time in forever.

Phobia posted:

Alyssa, 19 years old. Sits at 5'3, with a beefy build and deathly pale skin. She has dull brown eyes with heavy bags underneath, a big pugdog nose, and short, curly brown hair. Her clothes are nothing to really write home about : a baggy red hoodie, white undershirt stained with Los Grano D'oro's equivalent of buffalo sauce, baggy jeans and white sneakers.

Complete loser who works as a programmer who contracts out from her basement. The type of person who posts on the Los Grano D'oro's equivalent of Troper Tales, complaining about why she has no friends and why boys don't like her and 'oh people are so annoying right?'. She always speaks in monotone like she has a perpetual eyeroll going on and uses big words that she clearly does not understand. Considers herself asexual except for mack truck drivers who just so happen to be her fetish, along with boys with glasses and redheaded roller derby girls. She also keeps a folding Karambit in her back pocket.

Tyrannosaurus posted:

Given that Los Grano D’Oro is a place "halfway between Hong Kong and Los Angeles" it’s no surprise that there is a large islander community in the city. Some cities might have a Little Italy. The LGD has Polyside. And Polyside has a little bit of everything. Samoans, Tongans, Filipinos, Micronesians. A thousand different peoples and a thousand different languages and a thousand different problems.

Zeke Taukave immigrated with his family from Fiji when he was just a baby. Fast forward a couple years and all of a sudden that little baby has become a big dude. And I do mean big. Built like a mix between a pro football player and an 18-wheeler. Lots of dark, curly hair that he keeps tied back in a ponytail. Heavily tattooed. He played football in highschool until he was arrested and dropped out. Now, free of the education system, he works as a bouncer and sells prescription pills and occasionally gets his hand dirty.

King Cohort posted:

Kendrick Morris is a forty-something stick-thin African-American man with a scraggly beard and a ratty coat. He's not homeless, but he's not far from it, either. He pays for his apartment by performing marriages on the cheap, and hearing and absolving confessions once in a while. Sometimes people can't get married the right proper movie way, for one reason or another, and Kendrick's happy to do what he can for those people. Ditto with the folks who've got secrets weighing heavy on their hearts; Lord knows there's plenty of them. Life isn't much like the movies, he hates having to tell his patrons, whether they be an interracial couple about to elope or a teenaged murderer with an attack of conscience. Growing up in Los Grano D'oro is enough to tell most folks that, but a lot of the time they don't really learn it until it's already too late. He knows he didn't.

He's still licensed to marry, and he's still technically a Catholic priest, although he separated from the church a couple years back because of certain ideological differences. What matters, though, is that he's still faithful. His most prized possession is his cassock, a far cry from his street clothes, tucked away in his closet for the times when it's needed.

QuoProQuid posted:

Sister Karen Retinger is an assistant to the Promoter of the Faith, responsible for disproving miracles and so-called prophets. Prim, proper, and highly educated, Sister Karen is a terrifying theological powerhouse determined to achieve sainthood. Her only problems: a sense of skepticism that stretches far beyond the bounds of acceptability and a volatile personality that leaves other people feeling uncomfortable. She loathes having to ask others for help and will often make tasks needlessly complicated to impress her opponents.

Entenzahn posted:

Ray 'Mopey' Dope - Used to be part of the Los Grano D'Oro police department. More or less forced into corruption, then fired for getting caught. Now works odd jobs for independent clients and the mob. He likes to whine about his life sometimes, but mostly he doesn't give a poo poo anymore. Loves a good bottle of Jack, but can't actually tell a good one from a bad one, he's just being a pretentious douche. He's got a beretta that he's decent with, and is more cunning than he looks. He's overweight, in his mid-thirties and wears a trenchcoat, because noir.

Don Raúl - Mexican kingpin and leader of the Locos, a criminal outfit in Los Grano D'Oro that literally consists of crazy people. A businessman at heart, he believes in a free black market and always provides reliable payment to his subjects, in gold, unless he can weasel his way out of a contract and blame it on the invisible hand. He's kind of racist, definitely insane and an utter megalomaniac, or as he likes to call it: megalomexican.

Djeser posted:

Hi my name is Jackie Lawson and I'm in the sixth grade. My favorite things to do are practicing tai kwon do, doing sparring, and watching fighting movies. My favorite movie/TV show is Kung Fu Panda. What I'm doing over vacation this year is Going to Los Grandos Dorito because there's a big exhibition I got invited to. I'm really looking forward to it because I'm going to stay in a cool casino and my dad lets me come with him all around town and I can watch him play the card games because I'm good at black Jack.

Jackie (Jacquelyn) Lawson: a ten-year-old bundle of hyperactive rear end-kicking in a taikwondo gi and a pink flower-patterned backpack. She wants her life to be a Jackie Chan movie, and she has one hell of a front-kick.
GUEST STARS

Sitting Here posted:



Goldie Lockeless is just one of the many names the mysterious dame with an agenda goes by. She can be whoever and whatever it takes to secure the future of the briefcase. Her motives may be noble, they may be sinister; the only certainty is that they are inscrutable.

She seems to have an aversion to controlling the case herself, preferring to manipulate others into doing the dirty work of passing it from hand to hand. Her contacts range from the dregs of the criminal underworld to the pinnacles of the political elite. It is rumored that she has a history of looting the collections of rich, eclectic hoarders, but that's probably just hearsay.

She enjoys long conversations in dingy locations, furtive looks, and veiled implications. She's got legs for days and often favors some variety of short skirt/long jacket combo. She's a blond bombshell, when she's not busy playing the smoldering redhead or the seductive brunette.

Currently, she's seeking an accomplice to her schemes. Must be willing to get double crossed, betrayed, abandoned, titillated. Must be willing to exposit via pillow talk. Preferably, they would brood over her long after she's slipped out of their life and back into the shadows from whence she came.

It's very likely that anyone involved with the briefcase will become involved with Goldie, AKA whoever.
Set to appear in Thalamas, Dmboogie, Benny the Snake, DuckyB, and Broenheim's submissions.

Bad Seafood posted:



Adrian Stepwater has never been much of a people person. A former cop turned private investigator, he lives by himself in a modest apartment where he lavishes affection on his windowsill garden. Surprisingly articulate, he disapproves of swearing and is prone to long, rambling conversations - just not with other people. Perpetually tired and vaguely irritated, there isn't much color in his life. Just his flowers and his trademark red jacket.

But even a man like Adrian can't work alone. His darling Elizabeth is ever at his side, a magnum revolver he inherited from his father. He calls her Elizabeth because he considers it a classy woman's name. He always refers to her as though she were a person.

In truth, Adrian couldn't care less about the case, but he's got a hunch it's the ticket he needs to blow the forces that lurk beneath Los Grano D'oro wide open. But whatever you do, don't call him a hero. He's not doing it for you. He's doing it for the houseplants.
Set to appear in Phobia, RunningIntoWalls, Docbeard, and Kalyco's submissions.

Fanky Malloons posted:

Rajitha "Raj" Singh:
Thought to be a runaway. Approximately 17 years of age. One of the oldest members of La Niñas and de facto leader. Protects La Niñas territory and members with a viciousness that borders on psychopathy. Extremely intelligent and does not seem to fear police (or anybody else). Often hides razor blades in her hair. Known arsonist. Thought to have masterminded the Jinggouzi Warehouse fire and is a person of interest in multiple gang-related assaults.

Hanan Salumeh:
Approximately 15 years of age, thought to have been disowned by family. Known to work as thief- and spy-for-hire for other criminal elements in Los Grano D'Oro, and is frequently seen in the company of Stavros Arvanatis and/or his underlings. Thought to be a major player in the recent Jewishtown robberies. Keeps numerous weapons hidden within her abaya and uses them without prejudice. Consider armed and dangerous.

"Honey":
Real name unknown First name may be Rae or Rachel. Origins unknown. Appears to be a young teenager but may be as old as 20. Often seen wearing pigtails and/or ribbons in her hair, and a navy blue dress that resembles a sailor outfit. Frequents ports of entry to Los Grano D'Oro where she runs extortion scams aimed at men who mistake her for a much younger child. Usually accompanied by Xixi Fang.

Xixi Fang:
17 years of age. Former child prostitute taken in by La Niñas when her pimp was found dead under suspicious circumstances (note: this is still an open, unsolved case). Usually seen in the company of the individual known as Honey, acting as an enforcer in her extortion scams. Does not appear to speak English, though it is suspected that this may be an act.

Georgette:
Congolese refugee. Last name unknown. Appears to be a recent addition to La Niñas. Seems to be around 14 years of age but may be significantly older and suffering the effects of chronic malnutrition. Frequently seen in Chinatown, where she may meet with Hin Yan Duchene (unconfirmed). Reported by various criminal informants and law enforcement personnel to be an extremely proficient Bokor. Officers are reminded that the effects of any curses laid upon them by this individual are purely psychological and are therefore to be ignored.
Set to appear in Nikaer Drekin, Anomalous Blowout, Whalley, WeLandedOnTheMoon!, and King Cohort's submissions.


Bad Seafood fucked around with this message at Jul 7, 2014 around 07:24

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


I welcome myself to the city with an IN.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



In.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

In:

DuckyB
Jun 27, 2014

Gentlemen.


New meat, reporting In.

Whalley
Mar 5, 2004

neato devito


In, and:

Ilana is an ex-IDF member who, upon completion of her tour of duty, hosed right off to Los Grano D'Oro and became a bartender. She has really short hair, is uncomfortable around strangers, and loves silver rings.

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


You are drat loving right I'm in this poo poo!!!

Black Jesus: Nigga of Man, black, dreadlocked, smooth-talking holy man of a run down lovely church deep in the hood. Is also not the real Black Jesus.

Mercedes fucked around with this message at Jul 1, 2014 around 05:16

Phobia
Apr 25, 2011

I'm a suave detective with a heart of gold in hot pursuit of the malevolent, manipulative
MIAMI MUTILATOR
and the deranged degenerates who only want their
15 MINUTES OF FAME.


OCK.


IN.

DuckyB posted:

New meat, reporting In.

Phobia dropped his bag with a thud and yelled towards DuckyB's ball pit. "YO SHITHEAD!"

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


DOGOGBYN

https://soundcloud.com/xavier-marchena/dog

Your welcome.

Phobia
Apr 25, 2011

I'm a suave detective with a heart of gold in hot pursuit of the malevolent, manipulative
MIAMI MUTILATOR
and the deranged degenerates who only want their
15 MINUTES OF FAME.


OCK.


QUESTION.

Can we submit more than one character into this pool? A character other than the POV in so-and-so's story?

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


Phobia posted:

Can we submit more than one character into this pool? A character other than the POV in so-and-so's story?
You can submit anyone who plays a substantial role in your story, but if you submit several characters at least one of them must be your protagonist and all of them must feature in your story.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


I'm in

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

in.

edit: misread question/answer

Anomalous Blowout
Feb 13, 2006

I crashed Thunderdome's 6th Birthday and all I got was this av!

In.

God Over Djinn
Jan 17, 2005

onwards and upwards


in

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Yo nerds I'm IN it to win it.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


Gonna jump on this landmine of a loophole right now and rule no suicide pacts (i.e. two authors decide to kill each other's protagonists).

DuckyB
Jun 27, 2014

Gentlemen.


Phobia posted:

Phobia dropped his bag with a thud and yelled towards DuckyB's ball pit. "YO SHITHEAD!"

Pho? PHO!

You're dumb and so's your face. Come at me.

Character Submission: Phillip Clarion.

Phillip Clarion is a thirty-six year old, French-American man, and the primary enforcer of an anonymous fixer-for-hire agency. His team specializes in digital security and acquisition, but he will not shy away from personally handling jobs that require a physical presence. At 5'4" and 130 lbs., his slim, brown-haired, brown-eyed, pale does not cut an imposing figure. This perceived weakness has become the core of his role as an enforcer. Phillip strives to achieve assigned objectives with stealth, efficiency, and minimal body count.

On each job, Phillip a slim, false cigar wallet filled with dissoluble drugs, ranging from sedatives to lethal poisons, a burner, jailbroken smartphone connecting him to his team, and a 9mm Springfield XD-S for emergency use. To aid in infiltration and security detail assignments, he studies and practices both parkour and aikido, and recently attained the rank of Rokudan in the latter art. Training in these particular arts has given him a deep appreciation for patience and repetition in practice, as well as fluidity and intuition in implementation. During field observation he tends to dress and act as boringly as possible until his team confirms a target, and prefers to subtly sedate or poison any victims rather than use more direct methods of violence. Outside of work, he possesses a somber but relaxed disposition, rarely seeking out social contact on his own but willing to entertain a few co-workers and close friends.

DuckyB fucked around with this message at Jul 1, 2014 around 07:18

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


Ok I'm tentatively IN (Sunday is meant to be free so I wanna do that)

Character:

Erik is sad. Erik's a blonde bearded trucker from America with cold blue eyes, and huge like a mack truck (think The Mountain for your popular culture references). He is distant and quiet, and mostly thoughtful. His presence in Los Grano D'oro is up to you. Erik is permanently depressed.

Also he's gay.

E: I give you all permission to have Erik sex any character.

The Saddest Rhino fucked around with this message at Jul 1, 2014 around 07:30

Thalamas
Dec 5, 2003

Sup?

In.

edit: Molly is all of thirteen, has multi-colored hair, and a smart mouth. She doesn't believe the rumors at school about her father being a mob lawyer and has gotten into a few fights about it. Elmo, their bodyguard, is just around because daddy loves her.

Elmo is a mob enforcer assigned to watch over Molly's father and his family, though he is particularly devoted to the kid. His nickname is St. Elmo's Fire. Dropped out of seminary for mysterious reasons.

Thalamas fucked around with this message at Jul 1, 2014 around 14:24

Meeple
Dec 28, 2009


My character was going to be a black attache case that was getting real sick of all this poo poo, and just wanted a quiet retirement in an attic or the back of a wardrobe somewhere, but Seafood said I couldn't so you'll just have to imagine how awesome it would've been instead. I suppose it would've gotten a bit awkward if someone had tried to kill my character off...

Instead you can have this guy:

Barry 'Baz' Richards is, in his own words, "just a guy who does stuff, like. It's a job, innit?" A small-time London crook and shady 'entrepreneur', he wound up in Los Grano D'oro a few years back after a spectacularly convoluted plan gone wrong (he refuses to talk about it), and has been scraping by ever since.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

Rolf Backslash, trucker and poet. Hairline: receding. Belly: vast. Odor: pungent in the extreme.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Ahaha gently caress you Rhino putting Erik in everything.




Pretty Peter Polio is a heroin addict and occasional medical assistant, mostly because he's good with needles. His body is gaunt but his face is RIDICULOUS HANDSOME OMG GUYS SRSLY.

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The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


gently caress Erik not me can you not make the distinction.

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