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  • Locked thread
Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


I'll See You Soon
1154 Words

There wasn’t any pain at first. Bastille looked away from Layla’s eyes, down to where he felt the cold steel of a kitchen knife sliding out of his stomach and the warm blood replacing it. He put pressure against the wound to stymie the blood flow, but his hands were trembling so much, they were useless.

Then the pain arrived. It was slow and dull at first, but intensified within moments until Bastille kicked his legs trying to control it. Funny how he didn’t remember ever making it to the floor - or how quickly the pain faded away.

With unfocused eyes, he looked up at Layla, but she refused to meet his gaze. So tired, thought Bastille as he closed his heavy eyelids. He jerked awake. “Layla, help me,” he pleaded, his voice small and pitiful.

She turned her back to him to set the bloody knife in the sink.

Bastille struggled to his feet. “It was an accident! Really! Just get me to the hospital...” He reached for her shoulder.

And passed through her.

Bastille stood dumbstruck. Layla scrubbed her hands in the faucet, keeping her head low and staying quiet.

He saw himself on the ground slumped against the wall. His shirt was stained a wet dark red and his skin was ashen.

He didn’t know how long he stood there staring at himself but was eventually snapped out of his reverie when he heard a car pull up on the driveway. Bastille saw the car when he peeked through the kitchen window. He’d recognize that lovely pick-up truck anywhere. Layla’s ex-boyfriend. What the hell was Jay doing here?

Jay was a bigger guy, in a nasty NASCAR shirt that was a size too small. He waddled through the front door carrying a large tool box. “It’s about loving time.” Jay bellowed tossing it on the kitchen table. “Was starting to think you liked the guy.”

“Let’s just hurry up...”

“Layla!” Bastille shouted, willing himself to be heard.

She helped Jay lay down a tarp and move his body over to it.

As Bastille’s body was moved his hand brushed against him and he felt his fingers twitch. Bastille knelt next to his body and touched his hand again. He concentrated and flexed his fingers. He just needed to show Layla that he wasn’t gone just yet.

Bastille positioned himself mirroring how his body lay on the ground. A moment passed before everything went dark. Bastille forced his eyes open; the sudden light stung and he groaned in pain.

“Holy poo poo, fucko’s still alive.” Jay snatched the knife from the sink, handing it to Layla. “Do me a favor and finish what you started while I get the trash bags ready?”

Layla took the knife and knelt over Bastille, holding the blade over his heart. She paused, looking uncertain.

Bastille locked eyes with her and he fought his sluggish body to move his lips. “Please... help...,” he mouthed.

Layla’s eyes were tear-lined and puffy, but her mouth was set in a straight, tight line before plunging the knife into Bastille’s chest.

Bastille fell out of his body and through the earth.

***

Black Satan grinned, bringing a blood-filled goblet to his lips. “You’re going to have to speak up, Bastille. I’m not quite sure I heard you right.”

“I want you to grant me power long enough to get revenge on someone I once loved.”

Black Satan tossed the jeweled goblet back over his head before he leaned forward in his throne. “Your Layla is already going to hell. I don’t need your help in getting her soul.”

“What about her family then? Her mother!”

“Her mother cried surprise sex and two innocent black men were executed. I’ll be seeing her soon.” He stroked his goatee. “I’ll tell you what. In the years you’ve been patiently awaiting your turn to see me, your Layla had a daughter.” The malevolent glint in Black Satan’s eyes was unmistakable.

Bastille knew what the devil was asking for. “I’ll do it.”

“Splendid!” Black Satan clapped his hands, light flashing from each ring on all his fingers. “You have twenty-four hours.”

***

Bastille stared at the young girl sitting behind a janky stand. She couldn't be more than six years old, with curly strawberry hair and looking like a miniature Layla.

He walked up to her, giving a smile that she returned. “Hot Kool-Aid?” she lifted a coffee pot with both hands.

Bastille couldn’t help but laugh. “Sounds delicious.”

“Twenty-five cents!”

Bastille smirked. “Is your mother here? I’m an old friend.”

The little girl pointed to the house behind her. “She’s inside. Do you want some hot Kool-Aid?”

Bastille felt Black Satan’s power pulse in his hand. “I’ll tell you what - what’s your name?”

“Elaine.”

“I’ll tell you what, Elaine. I don’t have any money on me right now. Let me pay your mom a visit and I’ll be back with money from her.”

“No money, no goods!” Elaine pouted a little.

“Fair enough.” Bastile held his hand out. “Let’s shake on it. I promise to get some money, come right back out and buy some of your delicious Kool-Aid.”

“Deal!” Elaine placed her small hand in Bastille’s and her body went rigid. Her skin went ashen, and her eyes rolled back in her head before she fell to the ground, stiff.

Bastille left Elaine’s body on the sidewalk and walked up the driveway. A large truck with a vanity plate reading "JAYBN01" sat in the driveway. Good. That bastard’s home too.

Bastille pounded on the front door until Jay opened it. He wore a newer NASCAR shirt. Jay’s eyes widened in recognition, but Bastille didn’t hesitate, wrapping his hands around his throat.

His death was quick; his skin went pale.

Bastille discarded the corpse, walking through the house until he found Layla watching the news. She turned her head and and once she recognized the man standing there she screamed and tumbled out her chair, backing away, backing away from Bastille.

Her terror felt loving amazing. "Yep. The man you murdered all those years back." He smirked and marched towards her, reveling in her terror. "Jay's dead, thought you should know. Oh, and I see you have a daughter." He smirked and shook his head, gesturing to the front lawn. "Sorry, my bad. Had."

“NO!!!” Layla sobbed, clutching Bastille’s pant leg. “Our baby! You killed our baby girl!”

Bastille flinched back. “Our baby girl?” The darkness in his hands throbbed with devouring need.

“I’m so sorry, Bastille! I was pregnant and I didn’t want it so I called Jay and I -”

Bastille slammed his fist into her face. Then her head, then her face again, as he straddled her chest. Over and over, and over, sobbing.

Black Satan slow clapped.

Bastille jerked up to find himself back in hell.

“I hope you had a great revenge. Welcome home.”

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Anomalous Blowout
Feb 13, 2006

I crashed Thunderdome's 6th Birthday and all I got was this av!

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy



Seriously.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Interprompt: The Sauropod In The Room

My first graders wrote a story together about the time a dinosaur came to our class. You must write a complete story about dinosaurs and education.

You will be ranked against said first graders when I post their story at the end.

They needed only 100 words, but because I don't expect you to be as good as a couple of first graders, you get 160 words.

Sithsaber
Apr 8, 2014

by Ion Helmet


When the dinosaur first came to class, I was super scared. I was super scared not because the dinosaur was big and slobbery, but because it did its homework, and I didn't. Me and the rest of the kids in the Pee Wee league had figured out that we could skip doing homework if everyone said they couldn't do it because of the game or bible school, butt dinosaurs didn't play football or believe in Jesus, which probably meant it did its homework.

If it did its homework, maybe Mr Simmons would make me do homework. I don't like homework, but my mom will make me do it no matter what. I would hit the dinosaur and tell it to stop doing homework, but it's a dinosaur, and I'm also super scared of being eaten.

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

(USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)

Lead out in cuffs
Sep 18, 2012

THUNDERDOME LOSER

crabrock posted:

i expect the bingo cards to get fancier and fancier, so if you're going to post your 5 things in spoilers you might as well not even bother.

Some of those cards are under spoilers because they contain spoilers. Under my spoiler tag is a perfectly well coloured bingo card, thank-you very much.

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why didn't you invest in
Thunderdome?


Professor Dino
116 words

The wall burst to rubble as Professor Dino barged into classroom 2A.

"GOOD DAY I'M PROFESSOR DINO," he roared over the sound of crying children. He picked up a piece of chalk with his tiny arms and wrote 'PROFEZZER DINOH' on the chalkboard. One very indignant little girl raised her hand. "That's not how you write 'Professor' she said". Professor Dino ate her.

"ANY MORE QUESTIONS," Professor Dino screeched. There were none. "SPLENDID. CLASS DISMISSED."

He took his hat and stopped as the building around him creaked. The walls collapsed, heavy chunks of stone burying dozens of children beneath them.

Professor Dino laughed. "SILLY ME, THE AMERICAN SCHOOL SYSTEM IS NO PLACE FOR A DINOSAUR. OOPS."

Paladinus
Jan 11, 2014



Learning the Hard Way
(94 words)


They are all dead. All those children are dead and can never be brought back to life. Not even the time machine that's transported an ancient beast to their class can change that now.

Here's Bobby Branson's bloody bones. And that's Stanley's stomach. Brian's brain, Anastasia's intestines, Harry's heart... There are barely enough parts to make a single whole child out of this mess, but one girl is still fully intact. Dolores is riding a dinosaur. She's got a gun and a bloodthirsty smile on her face.

Well done, Dolores, you pass the test.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


Need sleep.

Post tomorrow.

Deep shame.

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


Bad Seafood posted:

Need sleep.

Post tomorrow.

Deep shame.

Vengeance is finally miiiine!!!!

Alpacalips Now
Oct 4, 2013


Best Show and Tell Ever (159 words)

Emily brought a pterodactyl to school for show-and-tell. She couldn't wait to see the look on Sandy's face when she realized no one would care about her dumb pictures from her trip to Spain once a dinosaur started flying around the room.

During roll call, it screeched and ripped apart its box, then flew onto Ms. Staples head. It beelined to the window with Ms. Staples' wig in its talons. It thudded against the glass, and then the floor.

Ms. Staples calmed the class by beating her yardstick against her desk like 100 times. She retrieved her wig and marched to Emily.

“Take that hideous thing outside!”

Sobbing, Emily scooped it up and walked outside. A shadow fell over the playground. A huge pterodactyl landed in front of her.

“I, uh, saved his life.”

It bowed. After nuzzling its baby, it motioned for Emily to jump on its back. She jumped on, and her many adventures began.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

Bullyosaurus
Stego was the only Dino-American in his class. After his father had hit it big in the luxury fern business, they'd moved to a fancier side of town with snobby neighbors and fewer drive-by eatings. In the halls, the others whispered when he passed. Somebody spread a rumor that his spikes were mostly fat, not bone. He sat alone at lunch, silently munching on his salads while the others enjoyed giant slabs of meat. He eventually graduated and was very successful, but still gets panic attacks when he thinks about school.

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Mercedes posted:

I'll See You Soon
1154 Words

There wasn’t any pain at first. Bastille looked away from Layla’s eyes, down to where he felt the cold steel of a kitchen knife sliding out of his stomach and the warm blood replacing it. He put pressure against the wound to stymie the blood flow, but his hands were trembling so much, they were useless.

Then the pain arrived. It was slow and dull at first, but intensified within moments until Bastille kicked his legs trying to control it. Funny how he didn’t remember ever making it to the floor - or how quickly the pain faded away.

With unfocused eyes, he looked up at Layla, but she refused to meet his gaze. So tired, thought Bastille as he closed his heavy eyelids. He jerked awake. “Layla, help me,” he pleaded, his voice small and pitiful.

She turned her back to him to set the bloody knife in the sink.

Bastille struggled to his feet. “It was an accident! Really! Just get me to the hospital...” He reached for her shoulder.

And passed through her.

Bastille stood dumbstruck. Layla scrubbed her hands in the faucet, keeping her head low and staying quiet.

He saw himself on the ground slumped against the wall. His shirt was stained a wet dark red and his skin was ashen.

He didn’t know how long he stood there staring at himself but was eventually snapped out of his reverie when he heard a car pull up on the driveway. Bastille saw the car when he peeked through the kitchen window. He’d recognize that lovely pick-up truck anywhere. Layla’s ex-boyfriend. What the hell was Jay doing here?

Jay was a bigger guy, in a nasty NASCAR shirt that was a size too small. He waddled through the front door carrying a large tool box. “It’s about loving time.” Jay bellowed tossing it on the kitchen table. “Was starting to think you liked the guy.”

“Let’s just hurry up...”

“Layla!” Bastille shouted, willing himself to be heard.

She helped Jay lay down a tarp and move his body over to it.

As Bastille’s body was moved his hand brushed against him and he felt his fingers twitch. Bastille knelt next to his body and touched his hand again. He concentrated and flexed his fingers. He just needed to show Layla that he wasn’t gone just yet.

Bastille positioned himself mirroring how his body lay on the ground. A moment passed before everything went dark. Bastille forced his eyes open; the sudden light stung and he groaned in pain.

“Holy poo poo, fucko’s still alive.” Jay snatched the knife from the sink, handing it to Layla. “Do me a favor and finish what you started while I get the trash bags ready?”

Layla took the knife and knelt over Bastille, holding the blade over his heart. She paused, looking uncertain.

Bastille locked eyes with her and he fought his sluggish body to move his lips. “Please... help...,” he mouthed.

Layla’s eyes were tear-lined and puffy, but her mouth was set in a straight, tight line before plunging the knife into Bastille’s chest.

Bastille fell out of his body and through the earth.

***

Black Satan grinned, bringing a blood-filled goblet to his lips. “You’re going to have to speak up, Bastille. I’m not quite sure I heard you right.”

“I want you to grant me power long enough to get revenge on someone I once loved.”

Black Satan tossed the jeweled goblet back over his head before he leaned forward in his throne. “Your Layla is already going to hell. I don’t need your help in getting her soul.”

“What about her family then? Her mother!”

“Her mother cried surprise sex and two innocent black men were executed. I’ll be seeing her soon.” He stroked his goatee. “I’ll tell you what. In the years you’ve been patiently awaiting your turn to see me, your Layla had a daughter.” The malevolent glint in Black Satan’s eyes was unmistakable.

Bastille knew what the devil was asking for. “I’ll do it.”

“Splendid!” Black Satan clapped his hands, light flashing from each ring on all his fingers. “You have twenty-four hours.”

***

Bastille stared at the young girl sitting behind a janky stand. She couldn't be more than six years old, with curly strawberry hair and looking like a miniature Layla.

He walked up to her, giving a smile that she returned. “Hot Kool-Aid?” she lifted a coffee pot with both hands.

Bastille couldn’t help but laugh. “Sounds delicious.”

“Twenty-five cents!”

Bastille smirked. “Is your mother here? I’m an old friend.”

The little girl pointed to the house behind her. “She’s inside. Do you want some hot Kool-Aid?”

Bastille felt Black Satan’s power pulse in his hand. “I’ll tell you what - what’s your name?”

“Elaine.”

“I’ll tell you what, Elaine. I don’t have any money on me right now. Let me pay your mom a visit and I’ll be back with money from her.”

“No money, no goods!” Elaine pouted a little.

“Fair enough.” Bastile held his hand out. “Let’s shake on it. I promise to get some money, come right back out and buy some of your delicious Kool-Aid.”

“Deal!” Elaine placed her small hand in Bastille’s and her body went rigid. Her skin went ashen, and her eyes rolled back in her head before she fell to the ground, stiff.

Bastille left Elaine’s body on the sidewalk and walked up the driveway. A large truck with a vanity plate reading "JAYBN01" sat in the driveway. Good. That bastard’s home too.

Bastille pounded on the front door until Jay opened it. He wore a newer NASCAR shirt. Jay’s eyes widened in recognition, but Bastille didn’t hesitate, wrapping his hands around his throat.

His death was quick; his skin went pale.

Bastille discarded the corpse, walking through the house found Layla watching the news. She ted her head and and once shezed she ut her chir,cking away from Bastille.

Her terror felt loving amazing. "Yep. The man you murdered all those years back." He smirked and marched towards her, reveling in her terror. "Jay's dead, thought you should know. Oh, and I see you have a daughter." He smirked and shook his head, gesturing to the front lawn. "Sorry, my bad. Had."

“NO!!!” Layla sobbed, clutching Bastille’s pant leg. “Our baby! You killed our baby girl!”

Bastille flinched back. “Our baby girl?” The darkness in his hands throbbed with devouring need.

“I’m so sorry, Bastille! I was pregnant and I didn’t want it so I called Jay and I -”

Bastille slammed his fist into her face. Then her head, then her face again, as he straddled her chest. Over and over, and over, sobbing.

Black Satan slow clapped.

Bastille jerked up to find himself back in hell.

“I hope you had a great revenge. Welcome home.”

Judge fiat; under the wire; not disqualified.

Video crit three of this week's stories after the verdict has been rendered

Hammer Bro.
Jul 7, 2007

THUNDERDOME LOSER

Dinosaurs Are People, Too (87 words because I've always been an underachiever.)

Yesterday's substitute teacher was a dinosaur. A gigantic beast, scaly and ashen, who reeked of rotting meat. He introduced himself as Saul Iskia (or something like that), but I couldn't take my eyes off his teeth. His slimy, yellowing teeth. After that I spent most of the class doodling, and only looked up when he assigned five pages of homework. I hate him and I hope he goes extinct.

One of the girls whispered on the way out, "I hope I never look that bad at 50."

Phobia
Apr 25, 2011

I'm a suave detective with a heart of gold in hot pursuit of the malevolent, manipulative
MIAMI MUTILATOR
and the deranged degenerates who only want their
15 MINUTES OF FAME.


OCK.


Okay, Merc's un-DQed? Alright. Only fair I suppose. Seafood better get his story in or else I'll frown at him.

Also, here's some live judgin' for you to tide you over before Rex comes back.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/...dit?usp=sharing

theblunderbuss
Jul 4, 2010

I find dead men rout
more easily.


Jurassic Something-or-Other (92 words)
When scientists used science to bring back the first dinosaur, I always thought they would put it in a zoo. Instead, they sent it to school, to learn about this strange new world of ours.

I taught it addition, and it disproved a dozen theorems in an afternoon. I taught it English, and it wrote poems that made my heart sing. I taught it science, and it bred more dinosaurs, and then it burned down the school.

I seriously have no idea where it is now.

The lords of the earth have returned.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


This story is just not working out even remotely. I accept failure and the end of my streak.



Death of a Dog Police.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Djeser posted:

Interprompt: The Sauropod In The Room

My first graders wrote a story together about the time a dinosaur came to our class. You must write a complete story about dinosaurs and education.

You will be ranked against said first graders when I post their story at the end.

They needed only 100 words, but because I don't expect you to be as good as a couple of first graders, you get 160 words.

Midterm Grades

Moved down to Kindergarten:
Sithsaber - Untitled
Hammer Bro. - Dinosaurs Are People, Too

Acceptable performance for their grade level:
theblunderbuss - Jurassic Something-or-Other
crabrock - Bullyosaurus
Alpaclips Now - Best Show and Tell ever

Moved into an accelerated program for gifted students:
Entenzahn - Professor Dino
Paladinus - Learning the Hard Way

Final report card coming when the interprompt ends. Still time to get your homework in before the end of class, kids!

bromplicated
Mar 28, 2003

Mur-ur-ur-ur

Parent Teacher Conference (135)

Parent-teacher conferences reached record levels of attendance ever since dinosaurs were rendered un-extinct. Kids started to go missing. Bloody streaks stretching into the periphery of the playground, wheeled sneakers with blinking lights half chewed.

"Can't we do something?" Asked a concerned mother.

"About what?" answered the teacher.

"You know, the dinsoaurs."

"Not really. They're protected under law as endangered species."

"But do they really have to drop them off next to our schools? Isn't there a deserted island they could live on instead?"

"Don't be silly."

"If we stopped treating them as ANIMALS, and started treating them as EQUALS, maybe this wouldn't be an issue!" Interjected the smelly woman who had no children, but attended the meetings anyways. She was eaten by a Velociraptor on her way home. Everyone was glad about that, at least.

bromplicated fucked around with this message at Jul 22, 2014 around 06:22

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


145 words

First Day of School

Rex walked into the classroom, his Power Rangers backpack strapped around his tiny arms. He was nervous as all the triceratops stared at him. He waved as best he could.

“Hi, my name is Rex.” He muttered under his breath.

The class whispered amongst itself. “My daddy always said not to talk T-rexes,” Rex heard one of them say.

Rex put his head down and walked towards an empty desk. He opened his backpack and brought out his Power Rangers lunch box and opened it. It had a peanut butter jelly sandwich, and a note from Mom.

“Make sure to make some friends, Love Mom.”

“That’s an awesome lunch box!” Rex heard from behind him.

He turned around and saw a triceratops.

“Thanks.”

“Mind if I sit next to you? I’m the new dino here.”

Rex’s head perked up, “Me too!”

“The name’s Sally.”

“Rex.”

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

JUDGEMENT

Strong week. Very enjoyable. Very nice. Very strong.

Echo Cian was the strongest. Winner winner chicken dinner.

Honorable mentions go out to HopperUk, Obliterati, Number 36, and Grizzled Patriarch. Thank you all for writing nice stories.

PoshAlligator, Broenheim, Lead out in cuffs. Dishonorable mentions all around.

Ausmund. I bestow upon you the loser's crown.

Aight I'm done here. Sound the horns. See you all come August.

Meeple
Dec 28, 2009


Tyrannosaurus posted:

Aight I'm done here. Sound the horns. See you all come August.

To the tune of https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9m7tPikH0UA

Proooompt
PROOOOOOOOMPT

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

Odiferous judgeburps

Be aware: you got zero credit for hard prompts. You chose the elements, you had to make them work.

Posh alligator First para ok but o god pointless endless vague no punch at all DM/LOSS

Alpacalyps now Really not bad, good tension, stakes, bme and clearly sketched dystofuture. A slicker on-ramp in the first para would have helped ease us in, so maybe if you'd left the info dump til after she came out of her dream? Poss HM.

Chairchucker i wanted a different name from fido, then you could have gotten a nice surprise out of it being a dog but sleek and breezy as usual; if it had come to a point it could have been a contender

Echo cian angel gettin subs lol, but nice up to then, clean and strange. Again, didn't need to lampshade your dream; also, the 'fairies are real and walk among us' thing jars in the presumed cyberpunk reality set up, but you pull it off with the noiry slap of the ending.

Number 36 Kind of absurd setup, and clanky clunky in many places, but there are enough cleanly observed details to make it readable and the otaku's efforts make him modestly engaging

Ausmund What the poo poo LOSS

Hopperuk Aw yis thats the stuff sweetly written, strong motivations, nails the mythic feel Poss HM/W

Waffledoodle the only thing thats holding this back from an HM is the contrived setup w/ the mudmen tbh i think pyrokinetic teens or tribes of zombie cannibal sediment people rather than and iyswim

Meeple i understand why you had a purple line on your card coz hooee hello HP, but bring a lovecraft shovel when you gotta dig another unnameable cosmic horror hole as i always say to the missus, and you know what, this works pretty well. I wanted to hear more from cliche mysterious magic shop guy though.

Entenzahn i kind of hate this sort of story but at least something happens, even if it's terribly pat. Tolerable.

The blunderbuss nice precision of dialogue and you just about nail the relationships, but i think having your central conflict be conveyed via overheard speech leaves some drama on the table, and with faintly autistic protagonists i'm not sure that was wise.

Lead out in cuffs competent prose and nice gobbets of dystopic detail but holey moley you're sort of trowelling it on with the dreadful terrible future fundies and the ultra haxxor terminal case and its kind of hard to care Poss DM

Thalamas eh fantasy bleh peg leg fanfic

Broenheim clunky 70s fantasy Poss DM

Wlotm clever ideas but fatally marred by pov fuckery and bad poetry, plus the tentacular downfall would be scarier if it was less random, maybe?

Nethilia angels avoiding the cover charge lol, and i like your setup but it doesn't go anywhere particularly interesting

Helsing good details but it ends where it should begin (lol time jump) what you have here is more of a well sketched premise than a story

Noah weirdly affecting Poss HM

Blade of tyshalle lots of details, but little to care about; you're starting at a disadvantage with a time fuckery story so make sure you bring the reader along

Kalyco decent scifi, competent prose, good twist

Obliterati i have officially had enough cyberpunk did u know that but that said this is a nice tight piece, and your blues/crazy sci fi juxtaposition works nicely does it land? Not quite. But, still HM

Auraboks decent work. you make the time fuckery work with the story rather than against it (something few others really managed) and it's a nice simple con gone wrong yarn about appearances and expectations that only fails by being too light and a bit sloppy

lou begas moustache down at heel angels are pretty much never not funny, so yay for that. Goon descriptions are nearly never not a bad idea, though, so it's lucky you told an engaging story with a funny punch (lol dreamcatcher) and had some emotional heft to the off ramp.

anomalous blowout lots of pretty fragments that don't quiiiite make a story. but definitely not terrible.

grizzled patriarch clearly, even coldly described microcosm of a greater failure, with lots of robust detail.

docklock yeah, this also does something interesting with its time fuckery (circle of life ect ect) and does it in the service of a nice word punch. perhaps falters in being so iconic and mythic, but that's the groove and your needle scrapes it well

duckyb fallout fanfic, but a bit of well-written fallout fanfic is no terrible thing for a cold war kid like myself. However: it ends where it should start.

mercedes you're touching on something tight and nasty here and your prose is mainly clean, though with enough clunkers (pov, showing/telling) to be annoying. I suspect we'll be seeing Black Satan again. Poss DM solely for the mistakes - you don't get to be sloppy in a week this strong.

I will do six (6) line by lines, sound off if you want 1

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why didn't you invest in
Thunderdome?


sebmojo posted:


Entenzahn i kind of hate this sort of story but at least something happens, even if it's terribly pat. Tolerable.

I will do six (6) line by lines, sound off if you want 1


do elaborate

Obliterati
Nov 13, 2012

Ask me about being the most Magnificent Bastard in EU4 Multiplayer.

sebmojo posted:

Obliterati i have officially had enough cyberpunk did u know that but that said this is a nice tight piece, and your blues/crazy sci fi juxtaposition works nicely does it land? Not quite. But, still HM

I will do six (6) line by lines, sound off if you want 1

I'll take one.

Number 36
Jul 5, 2007

Keep it up, kid! Gimmie a smoochie smooch!

sebmojo posted:

Number 36 Kind of absurd setup, and clanky clunky in many places, but there are enough cleanly observed details to make it readable and the otaku's efforts make him modestly engaging

I will do six (6) line by lines, sound off if you want 1

Yes

Meeple
Dec 28, 2009


sebmojo posted:

I will do six (6) line by lines, sound off if you want 1

I would like one of these. I had to cut ~500 words from my first draft this week, so I'd be particular interested in any bits you thought were still extraneous.

Thalamas
Dec 5, 2003

Sup?

sebmojo posted:

Thalamas eh fantasy bleh peg leg fanfic

I will do six (6) line by lines, sound off if you want 1
Yes, please.

Alpacalips Now
Oct 4, 2013


sebmojo posted:

I will do six (6) line by lines, sound off if you want 1

This sounds great!

Alpacalips Now fucked around with this message at Jul 22, 2014 around 15:34

Helsing
Aug 23, 2003

I'M ESCAPING TO THE ONE PLACE THAT HASN'T BEEN CORRUPTED BY CAPITALISM...

SPACE!


sebmojo posted:


I will do six (6) line by lines, sound off if you want 1

I'd like to take you up on this very generous offer.

waffledoodle
Oct 1, 2005

I believe your boast sounds vaguely familiar.

If anyone else feels like doling out bonus crits, consider me signed up. My turn-ons are being judged and feeling sad

Obliterati
Nov 13, 2012

Ask me about being the most Magnificent Bastard in EU4 Multiplayer.

Helsing posted:

I'd like to take you up on this very generous offer.


waffledoodle posted:

If anyone else feels like doling out bonus crits, consider me signed up. My turn-ons are being judged and feeling sad

I'll take these two.

Echo Cian
Jun 16, 2011



oh god hurry up and fix my computers repair guy

Thunderdome Week 103: Pacifist Run

With two computers bricked, I'm getting a bit sick of things dying on me. Contrary to my entry last week.

So this week, I want to see fantasy with no violence.

Your plot cannot be driven by physical violence in any way; you'll have to come up with some other kind of conflict. That said, there had better be conflict, because I want to read some actual stories here, and they'd better not be boring. Not that I hold out much hope from my last times judging you fuckers.

It should go without saying from the tone of this, but no grimdark, either. Be creative for once.

Signups end Thursday at midnight, submissions end Sunday, blah blah blah EST, you know the drill.
Wordcount: 1200
Judges: Echo Cian, Sitting Here, God Over Djinn

Those who have taken the vow of nonviolence:

Chairchucker: A Cat By Any Other Name Would Still Be a Jerk
Number 36: A Tower of Joy
Alpacalips Now: Lissandra's Hope
bromplicated: Return from Evernight
Crabrock: The Ends
HopperUK: HMS Dragonfly
Meeple: Heirophany
Gau: In Search of Eons Past
Entenzahn: Memorabilia
Jick Magger: Why did the elf cross the road?
Thalamas: 7
WeLandedOnTheMoon!: The Alchemist's Spire
Nethilia: Perhaps Tomorrow
Obliterati: Purification
docbeard: A Friend in the System
Hammer Bro.: Temperance
Fumblemouse : The Tower of Wizardry
Blade_of_tyshalle: Firmitas, Utilitas, Venustas
Benny the Snake: Burn the Witch
SurreptitiousMuffin: Love Blooms on City Rooves


Results!


Failures:
Djeser
Ausmund
Phobia
Kalyco

Crits:
Echo Cian | Second round
Sitting Here
God Over Djinn

Echo Cian fucked around with this message at Aug 6, 2014 around 00:39

a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly


Sign up post.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


IN.

Verily, I will gently caress you up.

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


I'll judge with you if you'll have me

Number 36
Jul 5, 2007

Keep it up, kid! Gimmie a smoochie smooch!


Yes

Blade_of_tyshalle
Jul 12, 2009

If you think that, along the way, you're not going to fail... you're blind.

There's no one I've ever met, no matter how successful they are, who hasn't said they had their failures along the way.



You have my sword axe bow goat.

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Thalamas
Dec 5, 2003

Sup?

In.

  • Locked thread
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