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docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

High marks for compassion, low marks for survival skills





There And Back Again
101 Words


“We shall miss you, Princess Gertrude,” her subjects and companions said, gathering around her as she stood before the mysterious door in the Dark Wood.

“And I shall miss you,” Gertrude said, setting aside crown and scepter and sword, and pulling on her now-dusty backpack. “Until I can return,” she added, to assorted cheers.

She stepped through the door, and back into her room. The closet door slammed shut.

“Gertrude, have you finished cleaning your room?” her mother called out.

She opened the closet door, stepped back inside, and pulled it shut. It had worked once, maybe it would work again.

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crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

In Orbit Above Planet H0-M0
168 words


Stardate 69696: This is Cpt. Straight.

We located the source of the energy that fills the universe with gay: an artifact the size of 100 button-up shirts, with room near the bottom for boots and a single pair of dress shoes.

All attempts to measure the anomaly flood the ship with pulsing lights and thumping bass. We launched torpedoes and other phallic objects, but it swallows them up with unadulterated glee.

I planned to send red shirts down to the planet to assault the artifact head on, but they have eschewed shirts and now spend all their time oiling each other’s chests.

The plan is up to me now. My wrist goes limp as I write this, and I know that I only have a few minutes before I turn. I have access to the transporter, and I’m going to attempt something my drill sergeant would frown at--but if he wanted sensible and safe he never would have recruited me. Or given me this fabulous boa.

Straight out.

Nethilia
Oct 17, 2012

Hullabalooza '96
Easily Depressed
Teenagers Edition


Display, Don’t Play
(120)

Mom caught me just as I’d gotten the pink sequined dress on the red-headed dolly; it’d been a tight fit. “What are you doing?” she shrieked, snatching the doll out of my hand.

“Playing.”

She shook the doll at me before realizing she’d done so. “You know better than to go into my storage cabinet!”

“It’s just the hallway closet,” I grumbled, watching her start sorting out the many containers I’d pulled down. She’d probably be there for hours “fixing” her doll collection. I didn’t understand why she just let her dollies sit stuffed away like that, in Ziploc bags, with little white labels like “1969 Bubble” and “74 Malibu”. Some weren’t even out of the box.

Parents were weird.

ZorajitZorajit
Sep 15, 2013

No static at all...

Repeal
127 Words

Ted walked to his barn, a fifth of whiskey in his hand and a tobacco cigarette in his lips. He took a slug from the bottle and pulled the door open. The smell of hay inside was honest. He belched.

The tarp unfurled from his truck with a flapping like the stars and stripes over ...y’know, that hill they made those statues on. He had been saving foodstamps and bitcoins to buy the petrol, but now he poured it into the tank. The pickup revved to life and purred under him like -- like a woman.

He took the shotgun shell from the dash wistfully. They’d gotten his gun. But after fifty years, the Republicans were back in charge. And he’d never have to be gay married again.

CaligulaKangaroo
Jul 25, 2012


I Have Become the Avatar (A Children's Tale)
(169 Words)

“There’s nothing to worry about, sweetie,” Sally’s mother assures her. “There’s no monster in your closet.”

As the bedroom door clicks, Sally’s closet burst open with the agonizing roar of realities shredding apart. An unholy beast of shadow blots out the hellfire behind the Dora the Explorer magnet covered door. “Little one,” a commanding voice speaks. “I have come for your essence.”

“Shut up!” Sally yells at the monster, throwing her pink fleece jacket at its head. “You don’t exist!”

The jacket falls upon its horned crown, and ghostly black tendrils move amongst the stitching. “Your tribute,” The Beast roars. “It gives me strength.”

“No, you can’t!” Sally cries. “That’s my jacket! Its not tribute!”

“I am your jacket now. Its essence has manifest into my being, and I have become The Avatar of North Face Winter Wear.”

“Mommy says my jacket goes in the closet!”

The Beast halts, now under the leash of a new master. “As you wish,” it utters, slinking back to its cedar wood sanctuary.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


THUNDERDOME WEEK LXXXV RESULTS POST

I bring terrible news from the future. Your future. Which is now the present. Our present. Now I don't know what kind of presents you were expecting but I was thinking maybe a ball and a glove would be nice, you know, play a little catch out back with the old man; dodging traffic, swapping stories. Stories about communication. Long-distance communication. Stories that were actually stories and not just strings of words algorithmically optimized to waste my time.

I miss you dad.

41 sign ups, 36 submission - 38 if you count the stragglers (I don't) - but only a handful of you bothered to come up with anything even remotely worth our Sundays and Mondays to comb over and reflect on, and even those guys were just pretty okay.

After actually not that much deliberation whatsoever, WeLandedOnTheMoon! was declared responsible for the piece that annoyed us the least. Congratulations Moonman. You did it. Or something. Come down from there and take up your throne.

Riding Moon's coattails, Schneider Heim, Kaishai, and Docbeard were found acceptable in small doses, lethal when taken with alcohol, and should consider this sentence indicative of their status as Honorable Mentions. You go guys. And girls. I think only one of you is a girl.

As for the rest of you, this two-for-one compost heap of prose managed to produce not one but TWO losers, Pseudoscorpion and RunningIntoWalls, who must now battle to the death to decide which among them is worse. Pseudoscropion, your story was little more that a teaser trailer to the stupidest science fiction plot imaginable featuring the choreographed destruction of the universe. RunningIntoWalls, your story was nigh incomprehensible to a few of us, which unfortunately did little to hide the fact that basically nothing happens. Dude sees dead people, gets in a car accident with some guy he just met yesterday, and reflects on it all while the orderlies play tic-tac-toe on his hospital chart? I think? I dunno. Nothing happens. Including the tic-tac-toe bit. I just made that up.

Speaking of nothing happening, a good number of you opted not to include any meaningful events whatsoever in your submissions, either eschewing any sort of plot arc entirely or reducing your story to the equivalent of a 4chan greentext story wherein stuff happens in only the most technical sense, yes, but why do we care? What does it matter? HopperUK, Some Guy TT, Anoulie, The News at 5, Nickmeister, A Tin of Beans, Bushido Brown, Jonked, That Old Ganon, and Starter Wiggen are all guilty of wasting our time with non-stories in which nothing is accomplished or matters, and may hereby consider themselves Dishonorably Mentioned. And one more for the road, for Krotea, whose story I read twice and still couldn't tell you what happened. Sackcloth and ashes, all of you, and be grateful you had Pseudo and Running to break your fall.

But we're not done!

Crabrock and Cache Cab both left babies on our doorstep without telephoning first, for which they are both disqualified. Also, Crabrock is dumb and doesn't think "They" is an acceptable gender-neutral pronoun. ZorajitZorajit and RedTonic are also disqualified, the former for drifting off-prompt on top of letting small children play with irreplaceable pieces of history, the latter for drifting off-prompt and off-flash rule. And finally, Nutranurse and Nitrousoxide are both DISHONORABLY DISQUALIFIED. Nutranurse, you dove off-prompt, off-flash rule, and still penned a story in which nothing happens and nobody cares. Nitrousoxide, you wrote fanfiction, or at the very least drew direct inspiration from everybody's favorite 1971 edutainment game and didn't even bother to hide it. You also introduced email into a world without computers or internet, which somehow has no bearing on anything. Not that anything happened here either.

Crits when I can bear to look in the mirror again and see a man instead of a victim. Take it away Moony.

Bad Seafood fucked around with this message at Mar 25, 2014 around 06:55

Schneider Heim
Oct 17, 2012


I'll be doing more line-by-line crits. Now, to take a leaf from Beef's book, I'll ask that you do someone else a line-by-line, then put the words "crit me Schneider" in front of the post. I'll be searching through the thread with that text. I'll post again once I've gotten enough.

Expect one crit per day until I'm done with requests.

If you really want to improve your writing, you'll have to learn how to read someone else's work critically. It'll make you better at analyzing your own work, and you'll be helping someone else with theirs! It's a win-win.

CommissarMega
Nov 18, 2008


Schneider Heim posted:

If you really want to improve your writing, you'll have to learn how to read someone else's work critically. It'll make you better at analyzing your own work, and you'll be helping someone else with theirs! It's a win-win.

This sounds like an amazing idea, thanks! For us just starting out on our writing, would you suggest we just look at the Thunderdome losers, or can we choose on our own? I won't be critting mine, obviously.

dreadmojo
Oct 23, 2010



Legit Cyberpunk

RunningAtThePoisonWallsBrawl for the Honour of not being the Loser

What's that? Miscreants rummagin' in the garbage again? The cops have been called and only one of you will get away. I require 700 words or less on the theme of escape from a dreadful but well-deserved fate with a clearly described arc - beginning, middle, end.

No science fiction or fantasy, no-one dies.

Get to it - I can hear the sirens already.

due 29 March 2014, 11.59 pm PST

Schneider Heim
Oct 17, 2012


CommissarMega posted:

This sounds like an amazing idea, thanks! For us just starting out on our writing, would you suggest we just look at the Thunderdome losers, or can we choose on our own? I won't be critting mine, obviously.

Ideally you shouldn't be picky. In my experience I find it harder to crit stories that are generally decent/good because their flaws are less obvious. Bad stories will help you explain in no uncertain terms why a story is bad and how it hosed up.

If you want to continue this discussion, then take it to the Fiction Advice thread.

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


interpromptin'

Mr Boogie's Bad Day

As usual, he came in darkness. He started simple: branches of trees scratching the window like a witch's fingernails. This failed. What he specifically did next was complicated, but every dog and cat in the neighbourhood started catterwauling and later had very strange dreams.

This too, got no reaction. The fear-o-meter should've at least been spiking by now. He slid through the walls of the house where his targets lay. They were playing the x-box. Haloes, it looked like.

"Give me the controller, Tim," said the fatter boy, "if we die to the boss, we won't pass the level and I don't have any more coins!"

"Sod off Jim," said the fat boy, "you're useless at killing the space invader men."

"BOOOOOOOOOOO," said Mr. Boogie. He called all the shadows from the place beyond and bent them towards the two boys.

"Piss off monster, you're not as cool as video games," said Jim.

Mr Boogie left, defeated, through the closet.

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

Congrats to WLOTM!, schneider heim, and docbeard on all earning their first positive mention in TD! A week for newbies [and Kaishai]. Makes me happy to see people improving. The rest of you should feel bad.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

Mars
87 words

Juanita had two dresses she could wear to her cousin’s quinceañera but she didn’t know which one to pick.

“Hey Fatass, can you help me choose my vestido?” she called out to her sister. Fatass is a common nickname for overweight people.

“Wear the blue one,” Fatass said, “The pink one squashes your boobs weird.”

Gracias,” Juanita said as she returned it to the closest.

Two days later, the pink dress killed Juanita in cold blood. No one ever suspected the dress. It was the perfect crime.

Martha Stewart Undying
Oct 22, 2012



Can I still post critiques even if I was a soft-headed baby that completely failed to do anything but cover themselves and the poor judges in poop?

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


nutranurse posted:

Can I still post critiques even if I was a soft-headed baby that completely failed to do anything but cover themselves and the poor judges in poop?

Knock yourself out.

Cache Cab
Feb 21, 2014


drat! I would have at least had an honorable mention if not for my unjust disqualification.

I am in for this next prompt. I am posting that I am in now so that I can offset the time vortex which caused me to be disqualified last week.

Again, I am in, so dare not disqualify me again!

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

Crit me Schneider.


Have a random crit, Entenzahn.

Entenzahn posted:

White Vision
477 words

The ground sways harshly. Outside of her cage, men in puffy jackets make noises at each other and move their arms as they argue. One of them points at her. A leather hand opens her cage and takes her out. She is stroked, whispered to, shown a small roll of paper. The man slides it into the container on her leg. He gives her a kiss on the forehead and opens the door.

Something always irks me about animal characters written this way. Maybe it's because authors tend to simplify concepts ('a leather hand' instead of a glove), but the story still has to be understandable to a human reader, so the animal protagonist still has to have unrealistic comprehension of what's happening to them. As soon as I started reading I was like, I'll bet this is going to be about an animal struggling to complete human tasks beyond its comprehension and, yep. This wouldn't necessarily be bad in an of itself, but the story doesn't do a whole lot with the perspective you chose.

The see outside is rough. Even down on the surface she can feel the winds. Heavy clouds race across the sky. A bad time to be up there, but it is not her choice. The leather hands throw her in the air and she does what she knows. She does her duty.

She flies. ok

She pushes her wings to gain height, ascending away from the floating metal bird See this is what I was talking about above. Floating metal bird? Is it an airplane? I was assuming a ship of some kind but... . The invisible force Ok in like 3 sentences you refer to 'the invisible force' as wind. This is the kind of thing I was talking about above too. pushes her back, but she has been trained, and she is strong. She climbs, approaching the black clouds until she can almost touch them. Up there she flows through the current. The stream changes constantly.

For a second, the wind disappears. She falls. Circling through the air, she manages to adjust her wings and to glide, still down, but slower now. Below her, water crashes against water. Drops land on her feathers. She can’t land here. She will drown. She must find—

Wind!

She soars back up and flies. To glide against the wind, to keep away from the see ugh is tiring and it takes hours for the coast to appear, but she knows where to go oh good, it might've gotten tense there for a second. Soon she flies over the beach, over treetops, hills and green fields. It rains. Thunder roars in the distance. A strong gust of wind picks her up and throws her like a bug. It takes her many precious seconds to regain her composure.

Up is up again, but in the distance, she spots the next threat. Falcon. It changes its course.

It sees her.

She dives between the trees. The falcon, fast as lightning, closes in on her. She flies between and around trunks, trying to shake him off. A quick look behind. It’s still there, almost on her now. She drops harshly, surges straight towards a giant tree, dragging back up just before she smashes into it. The wooden texture scratches her belly. Behind her, there is a cracking sound.

Free again, she resumes her course. Finally, a familiar sight. A big, wooden box. Wires. Others, like her.

Home.

She glides through the small opening in the box and hops onto her stand. A bell rings. Moments later, a man runs in, and removes the paper from her leg. He reads it. He looks at her with big eyes. Then he is gone.

She flutters over to the food container and eats. She has done her duty, and the grain has never tasted so good.

I don't hate the writing in this (other than see/sea ugh). What I'm not keen one is....the whole concept, I guess? The staccato sentences, the present tense, the animal protagonist; none of these things are working well together in this piece.

The humans are basically irrelevant. You could've written a story about a bird simply flying from point A to point B and eating a thing, the end. It might have been a more fulfilling story if we have a better idea of what larger conflict this bird has such a small but crucial part in.

I appreciate that you clearly put effort into creating not one but two obstacles for your crowtagonist (I know it's a carrier pigeon but I physically couldn't stop myself just then). The issue is that your little bird pretty much just keeps flying, and eventually the obstacles go away, and as the reader I didn't have a satisfying sense that she had to do much other than literally be a bird doing bird stuff to succeed.

Prompt-wise, I think this misses the mark. The message needed to be more important to the story. Your bird is basically carrying a MacGuffin.

I want you to go read Song of the Crow. It's a relatively recent novel that anyone who writes a cliché animal protagonist should have to read.

Otherwise, keep pushing yourself. This story didn't have anything to say, really. Do YOU have things to say? Loosen up and tell us next time. You had so many words left over! You could have gone in and added nuance and cool imagery. Could've given this little bird a purpose other than "get from the beginning of the story to the end of the story".

tenniseveryone
Feb 8, 2014


Entenzahn, I am doing you a favour. I liked the basic idea of your story but it sure did feel like a first draft. Feel free to crit me Schneider, if you fancy.

Edit: Didn't mean to step on your toes, Sitting Here!

Entenzahn posted:

White Vision
477 words

The ground sways harshly.

I'd say in most cases to follow the Elmore Leonard rule of no adverbs. Ever. Considering this opening line is evocative whilst keeping an air of mystery as to the setting, "The ground sways" works fine.

Entenzahn posted:

Outside of her cage, men in puffy jackets make noises at each other and move their arms as they argue.
"Make noises" is a weird choice of phrase here, especially when you then confirm that they're arguing. Is it because they're talking and the bird doesn't understand them? Are they really just yelling noises at each other? Needs to be a little more concrete - consider saying they argued, conversed, earlier - or be vague in a less weird way - like saying they spoke, or talked to each other. I like the non-verbal communication of them waving their arms about, maybe be more specific again as to what they're actually doing, since "moving their arms" could mean basically anything.

Entenzahn posted:

One of them points at her. A leather hand opens her cage and takes her out.
More weirdness. You're specific about one of the men being the one to point at her, but then "leather hand" - is it someone with a leather glove? Someone with a leathery hand? Be more specific about how she's "taken out", too, since that phrase has different connotations. You have the room for some description here, even; he "gently leads her out" or something like that.

Entenzahn posted:

She is stroked, whispered to, shown a small roll of paper.
Given she's a bird, why would she be "shown" the paper? The past-tense shift is a little clumsy, and also doesn't make it clear who's doing the stroking/whispering/showing. Is it the one guy who pointed at her? Is he the same guy who opened the cage? Or are all the puffy-jacketed men joining in? "He/they strokes(s) her, whisper(s) to her, gives her the message."

Entenzahn posted:

The man slides it into the container on her leg.
A container that's part of her leg, strapped to her leg, or what? Again, which man is this? I think their might be a more elegant word than container you could use here, too.

Entenzahn posted:

He gives her a kiss on the forehead and opens the door.
The kiss on the forehead is good, but hasn't he already opened the door and let her out of the cage a few lines ago? Or is this a different door, in which case, I don't really know what's happening.

Entenzahn posted:

The see outside is rough.
*Sea. Also, this is some telling not showing. Don't tell us that the sea is rough, describe it; then you can counterpoint you description of choppy waves or w/e with your description of the sky above.

Entenzahn posted:

Even down on the surface she can feel the winds.
This might be a good time to "reveal" what they're actually on (boat? ship? reading further on, er, a plane?), rather than saying "surface". On the surface of what? The Earth? It also doesn't seem surprising that you can feel strong winds. Instead, just compare her experience of the swaying to the wind from above: "The ship/boat/plane(??) rocked harder above the choppy wave and below the winds whipping down." Obvs something better than that, though.

Entenzahn posted:

Heavy clouds race across the sky.
I don't know what "heavy" clouds are. Clouds tend to be pretty light. That's why they float. And race.

Entenzahn posted:

A bad time to be up there, but it is not her choice.
Again, telling not showing. I mean, we know ourselves from your description of the sky that it's a bad time to be up there. Have her cower from the weather, or otherwise be reluctant.

Entenzahn posted:

The leather hands throw her in the air and she does what she knows. She does her duty.
Again, leather hands or leather gloves, and who do they belong to? Use a better word than "throw", too, otherwise I think of GOB tossing a dove into the sea in Arrested Development. "Launch"?
I like this in its own little para, nicely done.

Entenzahn posted:

She pushes her wings to gain height, ascending away from the floating metal bird.
Wait whut. "Floating metal bird?" So she was on a plane all along? Then why all the talk of the sea? Why would a plane keep a messenger pigeon? That is misleading and also a goofy description. I think you have to commit to describing everything from the bird's point of view - ie not knowing what the men are saying, that they are men, what the sea is, that she has a duty, etc - or else quit it with this.

Entenzahn posted:

The invisible force pushes her back, but she has been trained, and she is strong.
Again, we already described the wind so she must be aware what it is, so "invisible forces" is just a bit silly and confusing. Are you talking about the wind, or some actual invisible magical forces? Who knows?

Entenzahn posted:

She climbs, approaching the black clouds until she can almost touch them.
This is the first I've heard about any dark clouds. Swap the "heavy" clouds of earlier for "dark" clouds and then you've got something to refer back to.

Entenzahn posted:

Up there she flows through the current.
"Up here". We're following the bird's journey, not watching it from below.

Entenzahn posted:

The stream changes constantly.
What with "current" and "stream" this might be a good time to talk about the sea again? Compare the going above ground to below? Then it leads well into the next bit.

Entenzahn posted:

For a second, the wind disappears. She falls.
"She begins to fall" has a more gravitas and also leads into you describing the fall. Otherwise it just looks like a punchline of sorts.

Entenzahn posted:

Circling through the air, she manages to adjust her wings and to glide, still down, but slower now.
Given this is, basically, the first big dramatic scene of the story, maybe expand on it a little. Put her in more peril, make it seem more dangerous, show her struggling to adjust her wings and glide rather than it just happening.

Entenzahn posted:

Below her, water crashes against water. Drops land on her feathers.
See, mention the water again just before this and you make introduce the threat earlier and make it all the more worrying as she heads toward it. Maybe go for something more than "drops" landing on her, though, cos that just sounds like she's been caught in a light drizzle rather than being close to a tsunami pulling her under.

Entenzahn posted:

She can’t land here. She will drown.
No need for the second sentence. We know that's why she can't land there. We know how water works.

Entenzahn posted:

She must find —
Wind!
See where I liked the line break for "She flies", it doesn't feel as earned here. Describe the wind? A sudden gust? I dunno.

Entenzahn posted:

She soars back up and flies. To glide against the wind, to keep away from the see is tiring and it takes hours for the coast to appear, but she knows where to go.
So we get her taking off described in detail but then a few hours pass by with no description? Give us a little something, c'mon. Also I thought the wind was helping her, but now she's tired due to gliding against it? When did that happen? Also, *sea. Again.

Entenzahn posted:

Soon she flies over the beach, over treetops, hills and green fields.
"Soon"? I thought this had taken hours? Also if it's "the" beach it should also be "the treetops, the hills, the green fields". Again, you're missing the opportunity to do some nice description here and again, is she a dumb bird who doesn't know what a plane is or is she a smart bird who can name a beach?

Entenzahn posted:

It rains. Thunder roars in the distance.
Don't need the former if we have the latter. Thunder roars. There's a storm brewing. The weather isn't nice. We get that. Again, maybe refer to the weather back on the plane or whatever it was?

Entenzahn posted:

A strong gust of wind picks her up and throws her like a bug.
That simile doesn't work. Are bugs particularly susceptible to being thrown by wind? Any more than birds? There's better comparisons you could make, rather than to just another creature. Maybe even a simile the bird might make?

Entenzahn posted:

It takes her many precious seconds to regain her composure.
If time is so precious how come we skipped over several hours not a few lines ago? And again: how did she regain her composure?

Entenzahn posted:

Up is up again,
I missed the part when it wasn't

Entenzahn posted:

but in the distance, she spots the next threat. Falcon. It changes its course.
Again, she recognises a falcon, so she's not a totally dumb bird. I also don't really feel any threat from you just saying it's a falcon. Describe it, highlight how much bigger it is than her, that it's in her airspace. Also saying it changes its course doesn't mean anything because a - We don't know what its course was and b - We don't know what its changed to until the next line. For all we know it's uninterested, or hasn't noticed her, and has buggered off.

Entenzahn posted:

It sees her.
See, we know now, but we didn't before!

Entenzahn posted:

She dives between the trees.
If she's going to do this, maybe let us know beforehand that she's flying above trees. You mentioned them along with a beach and green hills, so we don't actually know where she is at this point.

Entenzahn posted:

The falcon, fast as lightning, closes in on her.
CLICHE KLAXON! "Fast as lightning"? C'mon. Again, this happens so quickly there's not really any peril.

Entenzahn posted:

She flies between and around trunks, trying to shake him off. A quick look behind.
Birds aren't people. I don't think she'd check behind to see where the falcon is.

Entenzahn posted:

It’s still there, almost on her now.
"He" or "it"? Pick one and stick to it!

Entenzahn posted:

She drops harshly,
Take it a rule of thumb to never use the word "harshly" again. Especially don't say you got critiqued harshly.

Entenzahn posted:

surges straight towards a giant tree, dragging back up just before she smashes into it. The wooden texture scratches her belly. Behind her, there is a cracking sound.
Trees don't have a wooden texture, they are wood. Not only that, but wood on its own wouldn't scratch you, else we wouldn't make most furniture from it. Swap "wooden texture" out for "rough bark". Be more specific as to what this "giant tree" is, if you want. Also, there's a cracking sound? Does that mean the falcon hit the tree or what? You need to make that clear.

Entenzahn posted:

Free again, she resumes her course. Finally, a familiar sight. A big, wooden box. Wires. Others, like her.
From the way this reads the chase happened literally just before she was home. Give us a couple of lines of plain sailing towards her end destination at least before the "Finally, a familiar sight".
We guessed that, no need to tell us. Unless all these italicised bits are meant to be her thoughts, in which case, there should be more of them throughout. Really you don't need them at all since most of the story seems to be told from the bird's point of view anyways.

Entenzahn posted:

She glides through the small opening in the box and hops onto her stand. A bell rings. Moments later, a man runs in, and removes the paper from her leg. He reads it. He looks at her with big eyes. Then he is gone.
Okay, she knows this is a man, so therefore all the other vague descriptions in the story need to be changed. No leathery hands - leather-gloved hands - and please make it clear how many men are handling her at the beginning. Also, "he looks at her with big eyes"? What does that mean? Is he an anime character? Do you mean they're loving? Or watery?

Entenzahn posted:

She flutters over to the food container and eats. She has done her duty, and the grain has never tasted so good.
Cute ending. I'm not sure you totally nailed the premise of the Thunderdome, and it might've been nice to sprinkle in some cues as to what the message was about (were the plane people in trouble? The arguing seemed to suggest that, but the they seemed pretty cool when they were taking the bird out). Needs a lot of tidying but I dig the basic story, telling it from the bird's point of view, and some of the description. Just be a little more concrete and sure of yourself, and take time to flesh things out some.

Mercedes
Mar 7, 2006

"So you Jesus?"

"And you black?"

"Nigga prove it!"

And so Black Jesus turned water into a bucket of chicken. And He saw that it was good.


It has come to my attention that I have been bamboozled. Lied to. CONNED!!!

My anger had been focused on the wrong person! This perpetrator of evil skulked in the shadows manipulating the events like an... evil puppetmaster! But light has been cast on your corner and your visage shall be known to all!!!


Dr. Klocktopussy!!!

You wrought the evil that is Dog Police, and for this I cannot let it go! You must be brought to justice!

I MUST HAVE MY VENGEANCE!

BRAWL ME!

a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly


I am pleased with this result... Expect a prompt at about 4:30 EST when I am not busy rocking faces at work.

Nitrousoxide
May 30, 2011

do not buy a oneplus phone




Nevermind

Nitrousoxide fucked around with this message at Mar 25, 2014 around 17:48

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003


Mercedes posted:

Dr. Klocktopussy!!!

You wrought the evil that is Dog Police, and for this I cannot let it go! You must be brought to justice!

I MUST HAVE MY VENGEANCE!

BRAWL ME![/b]

Finally some credit where credit is due.

You're on.

P.S. Dog Police is awesome and the best

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

High marks for compassion, low marks for survival skills





Crit me, Schneider

A Tin Of Beans posted:

The Last Letter
1,197 words

My detailed thoughts on this are here.

In general, as I mentioned above, I was confused as to why this got put on this week's poo poo list for about the first half of the story. The second half just went off the rails, and while I have read (and probably written) substantially worse in my time, your largely strong first half made the culmination of it all more disappointing than it might otherwise have been. I think my biggest objection is that everything after the reveal of Anil and Enil just feels lazy and rushed.

Also, while I'm aware that the prompt this week asked us to avoid going into the how of the communication, I'd have loved to see more of the why. Why did Enil (or possibly Anil) start writing to her? Why her in particular (especially if he didn't know what she looked like or even what species she was)? How did that connection get made?

I really liked the way you established the character of Mads, though, and I wish you'd carried that level of characterization through to the end.

Bad Seafood
Dec 10, 2010

If you must blink, do it now.


I will judge this brawl.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.” - Mark Twain

You have seven days and 700 words to get back to me on this quote.

a new study bible!
Feb 1, 2009



BIG DICK NICK
A Philadelphia Legend
Fly Eagles Fly


THUNDERDOME WEEK LXXXVI: Have You Seen My Trophy?

Look, Thunderdome, I get it. Spending hours and hours hunched over that dirty keyboard, only to be swatted on the nose with a dishonorable mention, or worse, a loss, can’t be fun. Can it? Maybe writing just isn't your thing. You must be good at something. Ever tried juggling? Cooking? Trainspotting? Oh, you haven't? Well, look deeper.

This week, your prompt is to write about people who are obscenely talented at something obscure, mundane, or otherwise minor. Want to tell me about the world’s greatest grocery bagger? Awesome. World’s greatest hopscotcher? Skippy. World’s greatest Starbucks employee? Serve me up a pot of that. Tap into your real life experience if need be, but keep in mind this general rule:

If you can get famous in any standard sense, solely for doing it, don't write about it.

Also, please be sure that your story includes an actual plot. If you are writing about the aforementioned grocery bagger, giving me 1100 words exclusively on grocery bagging will cause me to commit suicide be bad for you. As standard, no fanfiction, no erotica.


Sign-up deadline: Friday, March 28th, 11:59 PM USA EST
Submission deadline: Sunday, March 30th, 11:59 PM USA EST
Max word count: 1100

Judges:
WeLandedOnTheMoon!
Sebmojo
Schneider Heim

sebmojo posted:

Beginnings are delicate times, as Aunty J said a long time ago and SO we will have a flash rule to burn that into your thick skulls: Least-good combination of title and first line will receive a dishonourable mention regardless of the quality of their story.

Your title should encapsulate something essential about your story, like a tiny poem with bold tags around it.

Your first line should make us thirst, should make us loving burn to read your second.

The further you trek from these ideals, the closer you get to the jagged rocks and odiferous belching mudpools of DMland:



Talented People: (41)
Cache Cab
Sitting Here
God Over Djinn
A Tin Of Beans
Entenzahn
Anathema Device (or die trying)
Crabrock
Starter Wiggin Flash Rule: Your protagonist is constantly jostling for number 1 status with a childhood rival.
curlingiron Flash Rule: Your protagonist suffers crippling performance anxiety when his or her talent is observed by an outside party.
tenniseveryone
Whalley
Auraboks
Tyrannosaurus
Bushido Brown
Figaro
Jonked
Paladinus
Nethilia
toanoradian
Some Guy TT Flash Rule: Chatty motherfucker chats too much, gets what's coming to him.
Nitrousoxide
Crab Destroyer
The Sean
docbeard
The News at 5
Chairchucker
ZorajitZorajit
RedTonic
Masonity
nutranurse
That Old Ganon
nickmeister
RunningIntoWalls
perpetulance
HopperUK
Thalamas
Fumblemouse
Cpt. Mahatma Gandhi
Kaishai
J. Comrade
JuniperCake

a new study bible! fucked around with this message at Mar 30, 2014 around 22:28

Sitting Here
Dec 31, 2007


Blood Empress of Thunderdome

Tap to emit spores


Clapping Larry

In.

God Over Djinn
Jan 17, 2005

onwards and upwards


in

A Tin Of Beans
Nov 25, 2013



In!

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why didn't you invest in
Thunderdome?


Innnnn

(^^^also thanks for the crits!^^^)

Anathema Device
Dec 22, 2009

by Ion Helmet


In. With a

crabrock
Aug 2, 2002

aka sticklegs



Grimey Drawer

in. i'm going to have fun destroying people's stories by linking to people who are famous for said talent.

Starter Wiggin
Feb 1, 2009

Screw the enemy's gate man, I've got a fucking TAIL!
Do you know how crazy the ladies go for those?


In.

curlingiron
Dec 15, 2006

Adventure Awaits!


Fun Shoe

In!

tenniseveryone
Feb 8, 2014


Since I snuck through the last Thunderdome undetected I am already in.

Whalley
Mar 5, 2004

neato devito


In

Auraboks
Mar 24, 2013

...huh?


In.

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

In.

Bushido Brown
Mar 30, 2011


Lipstick Apathy

In.

Figaro
Feb 21, 2006

Hi, I've come to apply for the doctor's job. I can assure you my credentials are top-notch, I've just graduated from Harvard College Yale. I aced every semester, and I got an 'A'.

In

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Jonked
Feb 15, 2005

by exmarx


I'm in.

  • Locked thread
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