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  • Locked thread
Cingulate
Oct 23, 2012



Broenheim posted:

interprompt

exploding into poo poo

200 words
Broenheim made a post

4 words, prompt: "exploding into poo poo"

Broenheim made a post

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hubris.height
Jan 6, 2005



Pork Pro

Shitstorm
Prompt: "exploding into poo poo"
87 Words

It was supposed to be a harmless prank. No one was supposed to get hurt.

Felix had been on tour with the Main Man for about 3 months now. It was finally to the point he could be trusted to load the soundboard up for drops.

But when Main Man hit that note in his Sandstorm remix, it was the Brown Note. The result was a warehouse filled with ecstasy fueled ravers making GBS threads themselves. You couldn't hear Man's sweet remix, for the sound of explosive poo poo.

Meinberg
Oct 9, 2011

ICE-MEIN


Broenheim posted:

interprompt

exploding into poo poo

200 words

Regret
(15 words)

He realized, far too late, that he shouldn't have eaten those sugar free candies.

Jon Joe
Oct 19, 2011

HELP! I'VE FAILED AND I CAN'T SUBMIT


Grimey Drawer

Broenheim posted:

interprompt

exploding into poo poo

200 words

lovely Plans
19 Words

"Perhaps it was not a good idea," Weston wiped his face, "breaking into the waste treatment plant with C4."

Jon Joe fucked around with this message at Aug 31, 2015 around 20:43

docbeard
Jul 18, 2011

High marks for compassion, low marks for survival skills





An Anonymous Memo to the People's Pedantic Front

FOR THE LAST TIME, A DIRTY BOMB IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK IT IS.

Dr. Kloctopussy
Apr 22, 2003


Broenheim posted:

interprompt

exploding into poo poo

200 words

Lysander, A Poem of Erasure
114 words


LYSANDER, THE BLOOD OF GOD.
HEIR TO THE SKY. THE MIGHTY AXE

Lyle the punk bitch
a fat, pimple faced fifteen-year-old boy wearing an MC Chris hoodie
teeth stained an artificial red

the she-beast lurking in the corner.
The little bitch had drawn blood.

NOW Ė
BEHOLD THE ALTAR!

Mountain Dew Code Red and Pop Rocks

a completely different
explosion

The bucket! explosion
the poo poo bucket
the bucket!
the bucket, He waited, terrified. Nothing.
the bucket, his entire vision became a sea of red and brown.
The bucket erupted
the bucket Pollockíing the walls.

The smell of saccharine and poo poo filled Markís nose as he bled out on the cold floor.

Dr. Kloctopussy fucked around with this message at Aug 31, 2015 around 18:15

Kaishai
Nov 3, 2010

Scoffing at modernity.

Dr. Kloctopussy posted:

Lysander, A Poem of Erasure
114 words


epoch.
Jul 24, 2007

When people say there is too much violence in my books, what they are saying is there is too much reality in life.


Thyrork posted:

Feeling Repentant because your entry this week is poo poo? I know I am, and I have just the cure for post-posting blues! Why its mercilessly tearing into your fellows of course!

http://forums.somethingawful.com/sh...5#post449103287

http://writocracy.com/thunderdome/?week=159

Pick your sin group and write a critblurb for every other story within! What, you didn't join in the orgy? What are you, some kind of prude? WELL CONGRATULATIONS ANYWAY, because now you get to pick a group! Rip and tear into your sin of choice!

Its more productive then trying to post edgy FJGJ pictures!


Sloth
(Appropriate because I'm doing this instead of working, LOL!!11)

For each entry, I will say one nice thing (or more) about it, even if I hated it and it was trash.

Sleep, a Song, then Sleep Again
You need to work on syntax. You have dialogue without attribution, sentences without periods, "feel" instead of "fell" that caused me to read the sentence three times. Other poo poo that just doesn't sound or flow nice. Read your stuff out loud; that will help. Between these pretty basic oversights it's clear you either a) didn't care and/or b) didn't proofread (see a). As for the story, there's no real conflict, no real reason to care about these animal characters. I get this sense you couldn't come up with a way to hamfist a sloth into your story, but, since you toxxed, you just wrote a story about animals but it never really spoke to you, so it didn't give you much impetus to care about it.

Nice thing: Some decent prose at the very end, there.

- - - - - - - -

Paper Jam
Oddly enough, I like the idea of a story of a Community-esque roomful of writers trying to pitch ideas for a sketch show. What I would have liked even more would have been a story. Absolutely flummoxed as to how this got an HM. The whole navel-gazing aspect of TD in-jokes and blah blah blah was just, well, lazy. Which, okay, har-har, I get it. Sloth. "That's the point!", you say. It's not a story.

Nice thing: The writing was still quite good, and I found it flowed very well.

- - - - - - - -

Would You Please Step Into the Box
Why doesn't your title have a question mark?! Your story is well-written, has a plot, an interesting setting, and an actual ending. newt said he didn't see what was "sloth" about this, but I'd wager that trading your soul in exchange for lovely parlor magic tricks if the very definition of lazy, so ... ??? Now, I must say, if I were judging, I wouldn't have HM'd this, either, because your prompt was "gently caress it; good enough," and that particular aspect I felt was totally devoid, here.

NIce thing: I already said enough nice things, gently caress you.

- - - - - - - -

Aspiration
OMG THIS STORY WAS AMAZING AND YOUR BALLS SHOULD BE IN A MUSEUM

- - - - - - - -

Saved by the Bear

quote:

But who will come to replace my batteries?

haha, oh man. I literally, physically, cringed reading that line. This story was pretty dumb and uninteresting and your protagonist is a loser that the reader can't be bothered to give a poo poo about. The conflict is, um, buying batteries I guess? Try this: Summarize your story into a sentence. Do you want to read that story? Of course you don't. Write a more engaging story. Oh, almost forgot: Take a look at your first paragraph. Now delete it. Look, your story is wholly unchanged.

Nice thing: Uhhh. You covered Sloth. You covered "Oddly pleasant cuddling", which, I will give you, okay, that is a tough prompt.

- - - - - - - -

The Gentlewoman Caller
Syntax again. Y'all motherfuckers need to proofread. Y'all also need to learn some basic poo poo. Let me show you what I mean, in your case:

quote:

ďDon't know why they call me that, only one of the three of them applies.Ē <-- THIS SHOULD BE A COMMA she growled, standing up slowly.
ďOv- over there. On the desk.Ē<-- THIS, TOO, SHOULD BE A COMMA the maid squeaked.
ďBut why here? Lord Taylor is barely worth working for, never mind robbing from!Ē her <-- THIS WORD SHOULD BE CAPITALIZED. IT'S THE FIRST WORD IN A SENTENCE, RIGHT?tone was so filled with contempt it surprised Cass for a moment.

loving fourth-grade English, here. Also, you overuse exclamation points. A lot. I mean, a LOT! You know what a lot of exclamation points make a story sound like? Like it was written by an eight year old. My daughter uses them a lot. She, still, uses them far less than you. Lastly: This story needs proofreading. "But you already bitched about my grammar, I get it!" you shriek. No, I mean, for pacing and word usage and economy of prose. You waste a lot of time getting to the point and you could cut things. Then other things are confusing and could be revised for clarity.

Proofread. Do it. It's good for you.

Nice thing: A heist is an underused story element, I guess. The prose concerned with the knife to the maid's throat, I felt that was well done. The pacing and word usage, it read very well. I could tell you enjoyed writing that part. You sounded bored in other parts.

- - - - - - - -

missing story by Jitzu the Monk
Your story sucks and you suck and you should die irl.

Nice thing: I was getting really sick of critiquing so thank you for being a loving LOSER FAILURE DORK



In closing, I want to point out that no one stole my flash prompt because THEY FUCKIN SCARED LITTLE BITCHES.

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


poo poo Crits part 1 of ?

Don't be discouraged because dockloc has already won this, maybe you can surpass her

you cant, sorry

Cingulate posted:

Broenheim made a post

I shan't take this insult sitting down. You have made a terrible foe today.


Meh, idk. Just feels like a shoehorned brown note reference.


Short, snappy, straight to the point. I like.

jon joe posted:

lovely Plans

A lot like Meinberg's, but a lot more interesting. Why are they breaking into a waste treatment plant? Why C4? Why are they so dumb? These questions leave me wanting more, which is good, but I know enough for me to understand it.

docbeard posted:

An Anonymous Memo to the People's Pedantic Front

IM GOING TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE ITS COOL AND IT SOUNDS LIKE IM YELLING AND I LIKE IT. This wasn't bad, but it leaves too many lingering questions without giving me enough.

Dr. Kloctopussy posted:

Lysander, A Poem of Erasure
114 words


LYSANDER, THE BLOOD OF GOD.
HEIR TO THE SKY. THE MIGHTY AXE

Lyle the punk bitch
a fat, pimple faced fifteen-year-old boy wearing an MC Chris hoodie
teeth stained an artificial red

the she-beast lurking in the corner.
The little bitch had drawn blood.

NOW Ė
BEHOLD THE ALTAR!

Mountain Dew Code Red and Pop Rocks

a completely different
explosion

The bucket! explosion
the poo poo bucket
the bucket!
the bucket, He waited, terrified. Nothing.
the bucket, his entire vision became a sea of red and brown.
The bucket erupted
the bucket Pollockíing the walls.

The smell of saccharine and poo poo filled Markís nose as he bled out on the cold floor.

emptyquote

Halbey
Dec 9, 2009


hubris.height posted:

Shitstorm
Prompt: "exploding into poo poo"
87 Words

It was supposed to be a harmless prank. No one was supposed to get hurt.

Felix had been on tour with the Main Man for about 3 months now. It was finally to the point he could be trusted to load the soundboard up for drops.

But when Main Man hit that note in his Sandstorm remix, it was the Brown Note. The result was a warehouse filled with ecstasy fueled ravers making GBS threads themselves. You couldn't hear Man's sweet remix, for the sound of explosive poo poo.

It's rare for a genius to be recognized in his/her own time, but tonight I am recognizing you. DROPTHEBASS

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


Fast judgingAnime is good judging

The Saddest Rhino
Apr 29, 2009

I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning


anime is bad

SurreptitiousMuffin
Mar 21, 2010

I got it wrong. Look, I'm well aware I got it wrong and uh, I got it wrong.


anime is bad

flerp
Feb 25, 2014


Sloth crit for epoch.

Boring first line. Give me something more.

quote:

The Englewood street terminated in an informal dead-end; No posted sign nor intersection, the asphalt merely crumbled away atop the original cobblestone.

I think that phrase is unnecessary since ďinformal dead-endĒ already tells us that, and I think the crumbling asphalt works better next to that first part.

quote:

Marc pontificated on the great distinction between laziness and apathy. TestYourIQFree.com proved him to have a 142 IQ. He had six (6!) unfinished novels on his gaming PC. All variations of great to tremendous, they were. He could always go back to school for something in the STEM field. He was great at hacking, heíd bragged.

Please donít write stories about my life, or Iíll hack you nerd. Serious talk though, you lay this on a bit thick and it's very cliche ďnerd who will never achieve anything but acts like he will.Ē More of a caricature than a character.

quote:

Their breakup was beautiful. She had caressed him, held him. Had cared for him like a stray since he was a boy and she was a girl. Tears cut a shiny river on her impeccable makeup. Her hair dangled above him like the final curtain and she had uttered to him a promise: ďYou know that place between sleep and awake? Thatís where youíll find me. Thatís where Iíll always love you.Ē

I like the first part of the paragraph, the final curtain Iím iffy on, but the dialogue feels odd. It doesnít seem like something someone would say in a breakup.

Hmmmm, Iím not sure what the point is. Things just kind of happen. The first scene isnít really necessary since the story isnít about getting the drugs and more about trying to find the girl again (at least, thatís what the more interesting part was). The major problem is that there isnít much character to latch onto. The protag is just generically nerdy and incompetent, and the girl isnít much but just a plot point. Thereís some characterization, but it lacks enough for me to not be fully invested.

Another thing is the tone. Itís all over the place. It starts out like a drug story, but then suddenly heís in like a doctorís office? Itís very strange and doesnít make much sense, which may have been the point? A sort of dream like state to everything? But then that makes everything fuzzy and Iím not sure what Iím supposed to believe is real or fake and Iím not completely sure. You start with this generic drug story opening which then goes into this really weird doctor poo poo thatís kind of surreal. Then breakup story thatís supposed to be kind of funny where we laugh at the protag for being such a man child, but then Iím supposed to care about the breakup and root for the protag as it gets sad and he tries to get back with her in his dreams. Then thereís this weird dark dream and it just kind of goes all over the place. I think most of the drug explanation stuff is unnecessary since all I really need to know is that the drug makes it so that he has lucid dreaming. Thereís some neat ideas in here, they just need to be picked out of the trash, and the story needs to figure what exactly itís going for.

epoch.
Jul 24, 2007

When people say there is too much violence in my books, what they are saying is there is too much reality in life.


Thanks for the in depth crit Bro!

Tyrannosaurus
Apr 12, 2006

I failed to submit because I was so excited about New Zealander Tim Price winning the Burghley Horse Trials on the quirky but freakishly talented Ringwood Sky Boy

WEEK CLX JUDGEMENT

There were some really great stories this week guys so a big shout out to all you that did something awesome! Remember, just because you don't see your name here in this post doesn't mean you didn't write something enjoyable. Unless you didn't write anything at all. In that case you can, and I mean this in the best way possible, go gently caress yourself. For the most part, everyone who did submit submitted something decently readable. This was a good week to judge.

Now if your name is Halbey or Thyrork then you submitted something that wasn't particularly readable and in fact sucked and you should try not to do that again. Dishonorable mentions to you both. Same goes for Cingulate. Except doubled. You are this week's loser. Thanks for the turds, you three.

Luckily Jonked, Bompacho, WeLandedOnTheMoon!, Grizzled Patriarch, SurreptitiousMuffin, and sebmojo all wrote really good stuff. Seriously. You should go check those stories out and take notes. What's particularly fun about them is that they are all so wildly different. Honorable mentions all around.

This week's winner is Thranguy. Welcome back to the throne. You deserve it.

I'm done judging now! Yay!

Tyrannosaurus fucked around with this message at Sep 1, 2015 around 10:04

autism ZX spectrum
Feb 7, 2007



Fun Shoe

I'm willing to do a few line-by-line crits if anyone's interested

sebmojo
Oct 23, 2010


Legit Cyberpunk

yes please

also

https://www.google.co.nz/search?q=p..._sm=93&ie=UTF-8

Morning Bell
Feb 23, 2006



Yams Fan

Nubile Hillock posted:

I'm willing to do a few line-by-line crits if anyone's interested

I would love a crit on my piece this week, thank you!

kurona_bright
Mar 21, 2013


Nubile Hillock posted:

I'm willing to do a few line-by-line crits if anyone's interested

*yoink*

Thank you very much!

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why didn't you invest in
Thunderdome?


Nubile Hillock posted:

I'm willing to do a few line-by-line crits if anyone's interested

why, i am interested

Cingulate
Oct 23, 2012



Posting to see my new Avatar of Shame

Kaiju15
Jul 25, 2013



Nubile Hillock posted:

I'm willing to do a few line-by-line crits if anyone's interested

Yes please.

Chairchucker
Nov 14, 2006

The man was stunningly well dressed. He had a smart looking jacket, and a really neat looking cape, the lining of which was shimmering and sparkling in more than Oriental splendour, which is a great deal of splendour indeed, just ask Kipling.

CongratuPRRRRRROOOOOOMPT THRANGUY

Halbey
Dec 9, 2009


Tyrannosaurus posted:

WEEK CLX JUDGEMENT

There were some really great stories this week guys so a big shout out to all you that did something awesome! Remember, just because you don't see your name here in this post doesn't mean you didn't write something enjoyable. Unless you didn't write anything at all. In that case you can, and I mean this in the best way possible, go gently caress yourself. For the most part, everyone who did submit submitted something decently readable. This was a good week to judge.

Now if your name is Halbey or Thyrork then you submitted something that wasn't particularly readable and in fact sucked and you should try not to do that again. Dishonorable mentions to you both. Same goes for Cingulate. Except doubled. You are this week's loser. Thanks for the turds, you three.

Luckily Jonked, Bompacho, WeLandedOnTheMoon!, Grizzled Patriarch, SurreptitiousMuffin, and sebmojo all wrote really good stuff. Seriously. You should go check those stories out and take notes. What's particularly fun about them is that they are all so wildly different. Honorable mentions all around.

This week's winner is Thranguy. Welcome back to the throne. You deserve it.

I'm done judging now! Yay!

If there's one thing that I know about, it's turds!

Jon Joe
Oct 19, 2011

HELP! I'VE FAILED AND I CAN'T SUBMIT


Grimey Drawer

Nubile Hillock posted:

I'm willing to do a few line-by-line crits if anyone's interested

I'm interested, thank you.

skwidmonster
Mar 31, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER


Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

Thunderdome CLXI: Negative Exponents

The Library of Babel by Jorge Luis Borges. The Liberation of Earth by William Tenn. The Balloon by Donald Barthelme.

What do these stories have in common? Apart from being some of my favorite short stories of all time, that is? Well, let me ask another question. What's an aspect of story writing that a lot of 'domers consistently have trouble with? That's right, dialog. Now, some people might try and assign a dialog-heavy week to correct that, but I don't hold with that kind of hippy teaching attitude. When the kids keep abusing the toys, I say take them away entirely. And that's what those stories have in common. No dialog. They're all purely exposition-based stories. Pure narrative. That's what you're doing this week, God help us all. (I'll permit one spoken line if you must, since some of my examples do that and fair is fair.)

If You Were a Dinosaur, my Love by Rachel Swirsky. From Neil Gaiman, The Man Who Forgot Ray Bradbury, and also May, June, September, and November out of A Calendar of Tales.

Just throwing a few more examples closer to Thunderdome-size. Speaking of size, you have 1,225 words to use. And since this is a structural prompt, I'll even give a nice, broad theme for your stories as well. To celebrate Labor Day Weekend, the theme is You Had One Job. (Special bonus rule: if anyone submits some cutesy meta wordvomit about themselves failing to write a story this week, they will, without fail, get the DQ/DM combo platter.)

What I Want: For people to take advantage of the format. Tell stories with an epic scope, or that engage an interesting and complex idea, or do a deeply personal single-character story. Most if not all of my examples can be found trivially online with Google, and if I didn't like them they wouldn't be there.

What I Don't Want: Fanfiction or Erotica, obviously. I also don't want to be bored or confused.

I will offer flash rules on request. They will be harsh, and fairly abstract. You run a risk of being assigned epic poetry if you ask. If you want a more concrete flash rule, ask one of the other judges when and if they show up.

Entry Deadline: 11:59 PM California time Friday

Submission Deadline: 11:59 PM California Time Sunday.

Judges:
Thranguy
Broenheim
Djeser

Entrants:
Entenzahn
skwidmonster
Kaiju15
jon joe
SlipUp
epoch.
Killer-of-Lawyers
Benny Profane Second Person Narrative
Jonked Epistolary Story
anime was right
GlyphGryph
God Over Djinn
sebmojo
SadisTech
Obliterati
kurona_bright
crabrock
Morning Bell
Sitting Here
Cingulate
Bompacho
Nilkaer Drekin
curlingiron Unreliable Narrator
Oxxidation
Fumblemouse
Grizzled Patriarch
theblunderbuss
Kaishai

Thranguy fucked around with this message at Sep 5, 2015 around 12:35

Entenzahn
Nov 15, 2012

What will you say when
your child asks:
why didn't you invest in
Thunderdome?


in

skwidmonster
Mar 31, 2015

THUNDERDOME LOSER


IN gently caress yes

Kaiju15
Jul 25, 2013



In.

Djeser
Mar 22, 2013



Hi Thunderdome I'm judgein

Jon Joe
Oct 19, 2011

HELP! I'VE FAILED AND I CAN'T SUBMIT


Grimey Drawer

In it to win it

SlipUp
Sep 30, 2006

THUNDERDOME LOSER


in

epoch.
Jul 24, 2007

When people say there is too much violence in my books, what they are saying is there is too much reality in life.


This is a gently caressin cool prompt.

edit: Gaiman's story about Bradbury made me cry. If it doesn't make you cry, please, consider CHOKING TO DEATH ON YOUR SUBWAY(R) SANDWICH, FOR YOU ARE A HEARTLESS PEDERAST.

epoch. fucked around with this message at Sep 1, 2015 around 17:48

Killer-of-Lawyers
Apr 22, 2008


In.

Benny Profane
Feb 23, 2012



In, and requesting a harsh/abstract flash rule.

Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

Benny Profane posted:

In, and requesting a harsh/abstract flash rule.

All right! You get Second Person Narrative. Enjoy!

Jonked
Feb 15, 2005

by exmarx


In, requesting a flash rule.

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Thranguy
Apr 21, 2010

'Read over your compositions, and when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.' -Samuel Johnson

Jonked posted:

In, requesting a flash rule.

And for you it'll be a Epistolary Story. Make sure the chunks are big enough I don't mistake it for dialog!

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